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Ernie's House of Whoop Ass!
March 28, 2017

Short, Sweet, and Tasteless. Yep, That's Right... It's Tasteless Tuesday.

"Ernie, I have been reading your site since I was a young Marine many moons ago. I love the site and been addicted to it since the first time I read. Lately I have found your tasteless Tuesdays pretty good and figured I could add something to it. After getting out of the Corps I went to EMT school. I thought that it was a respectable and rewarding job, and I liked the fact that I would have the power to light 'em up. My story starts with my partner and I on a normal day. We have worked together for a few years and of the thousands of calls we had run together this one took the cake. It started as a normal day, running the same mundane bullshit calls. These calls being shortness of breath, high blood pressure, you name it. It may be a huge deal to that person, but to us it wasn't. We wanted a test. You know the bus full of hemophiliac nuns falling off a cliff and into a glass factory. Shit like that. Well were doing a post move; going from one part of the city to another when the call of all calls came in. Dispatch came over the radio to give us our code 3. We were kind of confused when the only information they gave us was that it was a trauma and that we were to look at our pager for the rest of the information about the call. So I light it up and head in the direction of the call. Then the pager goes off and my partner started to read. As he read the pager he began to laugh uncontrollably. He handed me the pager and told me to read it, that I was not going to believe my eyes. Sure as shit I couldn't. It read " code-3, trauma- penis in padlock." I about shit myself and almost crashed.

At this point it became personal. I put the hammer down and we were on our way just below ludicrous speed. As we start heading up the street, we see the big red house marker (fire truck) sitting on the street. We get out and walk to the back to get our gear. The whole time relishing the smell of brakes and transmission. I look toward the front door and I see a firefighter walking out and he is trying to hold back a smile. I ask him whats going on in there and the only thing he can mutter is that we just needed to see it. We park the gurney and go inside. To what do my wondering eyes gaze upon? A completely naked man laying on the couch on the verge of hallucination. When we asked to see the padlock in question he rolled over and showed us. I couldn't believe it. This was no ordinary lock. This was one of those industrial padlocks you use on your storage units. One of those disc locks. He had slid it all the was to the base of his penis. He started it at the tip and it became uncomfortable so he kept sliding it down. At this point, his member had grown roughly to the diameter of a beer can and looked like it was going to burst apart. This being because the opening of the lock was only about an inch and a half wide and once the blood went it, it wasn't coming back out. The color it turned was something that I had never seen on a human body. It looked as if you took and purple and black crayon and mashed them together.

After a few seconds of thinking, "man, that has to hurt" and trying not to laugh, a somewhat logical thought crossed my mind. Where the fuck is the key? Turns out, it was 70 miles away with his wife. Now we get the back story. He had cheated on his wife, and to show that he wouldn't cheat on her anymore, he slapped this thing on like some sort of chastity cock ring. So my partner calls the wife and asks if she can bring us the key. No surprise she said no and that for all she cares it can just fall off, and she was going to lose the key. Only thing we can do now is get this man some help. We get him on the gurney and start to wheel him outside. The whole time his friend has his camera out and it yelling how funny this shit is and that he's putting this on youtube. I've looked for the video and can't find it. Now the questions comes up of where to take this guy. Trauma center? Somewhere with a urology specialist? The nearest hospital? It's decided that we are going to the nearest hospital, and we put him in the back and are off like greased lightning. The nearest hospital is about 10 minutes drive normally, but lights, sirens, and diesel fuel, we got there in three. On the way to the hospital I call in the hospital and let them know what we are on our way with and advise them that we are going to need a locksmith. The doctor blows me off as usual, and we arrive at the back door of the hospital. We wheel him in to a room and a doctor pulls back the covers on our patient. The first words out of his mouth were, "call a locksmith." Dumbass.

We transfer our patient to the hospital bed and I take the gurney out to the rig. I clean up the back, and make up the gurney. I tell my partner we aren't leaving till we see what happens. He might have to be transferred, and since we were there, we could do it. I jump in the driver seat and my partner begins to write his report. Ten minutes later Mr. Locksmith shows up. I ask if he knows what he was called for and of course he has no clue. So I hand him a pair of gloves and give him a smirk. Boy is he in for a shock. We follow him in laughing between ourselves and show him where to go. When he sees the lock, and its position, he informed the staff that this was the hardest lock to break into, and he would be back. Here I'm thinking this guys got a special lock picking kit he is going to go get. Nope. He came back with a hammer, vice grips, and Flathead screw driver and a power drill with extra bits. My partner has to go outside when he sees the tools. The locksmith then goes to work. I applaud this man, because he treated the situations like it was another day breaking into a lock. He starts with a small drill bit to work on the tumblers. During this stage we all forget that two metals rubbing together make heat. The patient goes into a panic and screams like a wild banshee. One of the nurses grab some water and doused him. My partner and I grab some syringes full of saline and keep the area cool while the locksmith goes back to work. After ten minutes of the small bit, its time to really open this lock up. He goes for the big bit. He starts to drill again, working the drill up to speed when the drill bit bites into the lock. At this point, there are about eight people standing around watching and all had the same reaction. Doubled over in horror of what just happened. I seriously though he had ripped it off. Now the patient is whaling like a air raid siren. The locksmith is nauseous, and has to walk away for a moment.

A minute or so later, we are ready to get back to work. The locksmith though, puts the lock into the pair of vice grips and told the patient to hang on as tight as he could. My partner and I resumed our cooling measures. It took another few minutes, and a couple more close calls and he was finally through the lock. He grabbed the screwdriver and with a flick of his wrist it was open. The doctor slid off the lock. At this point we figured that blood would beginning to circulate again. We were wrong. After ten minutes more the thing looked the same. At that point we left. We never found out what had happened. I don't think it was good though." -- Jesse

Ernie, I was able to find a location that was 1 kilometer away from where your sign should have been, followed Streetview upstream a considerable distance, and no sign. So I'm not sure if your A590 sign exists any longer; or of course, it was installed after August 2016 but from the image quality, I doubt it. - Memphis

Hey Ernie. I found your wings place but it's not a restauarant, it's a beach supply store, which explains the sale on women's swimsuits. Nice try, you tricky bastard. Jeff.

Newport, originally introduced in 1957 by the Lorillard Tobacco Company, is a brand of menthol cigarettes owned by R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company. Newports comprise about 35 percent of menthol cigarette sales in the U.S. Newports have gained a commanding share of the African-American market; a 2005 survey stated that 49.5% of all cigarette sales to African Americans were Newport cigarettes. Newport is now the second best selling cigarette brand in the United States, trailing only Altria's Marlboro brand. The Newport brand also includes a non-menthol cigarette introduced in the early 2000s. On the box, the words "Menthol Box" for shorts and "Menthol Box 100s" for 100s were replaced simply with "Cigarettes".

We've done enough of these for me to be reasonably sure this photo was taken somewhere along the Folsom Street Fair, but I can't figure out exactly where. Can you help me out? I'd like to untie these knots before any circulation gets cut off.

Prisoner of war Jeremiah Denton declared his loyalty to the U.S. government during a 1966 interview for what was supposed to be a propaganda film. But his enraged captors missed his more covert message: "T-O-R-T-U-R-E," blinked into the camera in Morse code, a dispatch that would alert the U.S. military to the conditions he endured. Denton, who would survive 7 1/2 years confined in a tiny, stinking, windowless cell at the infamous "Hanoi Hilton" and other camps before his release in 1973, died of heart problems Friday in Virginia Beach at age 89, according to his grandson Edward Denton. "... --- / .-.. --- -. --. / .- -.. -- .. .-. .- .-.. / -.. . -. - --- -. --..-- / .-- . / .... .- .-. -.. .-.. -.-- / -.- -. . .-- / -.-- ."

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Blonde sexy thing loves to eat bananas and I'm sure other phallus like things!
Olivia Nervo
This All American Girl is no innocent teen....My Jaw

March 27, 2017

Florida: We Have No Taxes, No Pants, and No Chill.

Ibn Ali Miller, the man who broke up a fight between two teens in a now viral video, was honored in Atlantic City on Wednesday. Choking back tears, he used his moment in the spotlight to honor someone else - his mother.

Icehouse was Americas first domestic ice beer when it was introduced in 1993. Icehouse is ice brewed below freezing resulting in the formulation of ice crystals and a bold, never watered-down taste that you enjoy each time you drink an ice-cold Icehouse. It has a dark golden appearance and satisfying malt character without a sweet flavor that is typical of other high ABV products. Introduced in June 2012, Icehouse Edge is an ice lager/malt liquor that is 8.0% alcohol by volume.

The German Shepherd and the Belgian Malinois are often mistaken for each other due mostly to their similar color and builds. There are however, differences in their physical makeups and in their dispositions and natures that play a big role in how well they will adapt and fit in to different lifestyles. The Belgian Malinois is a somewhat smaller dog than the German Shepherd and has a lighter structure. Their height is generally between 24-26 inches and their weight range is between 60-65 lbs. Their coats are most commonly fawn, red or dark brown. The Belgian Malinois has a much more adaptable nature than the German Shepherd allowing them to adjust to many different environments and lifestyles. This means that they can live in smaller living spaces as long as they are properly exercised.

Hi Ernie: Your girl is at Cheddar's Scratch Kitchen. They have 163 locations so I'm not sure what locations she's at but here is a copy of the menu - the price is on the menu in the link is $8.29. I think I would have gone for the buffalo chicken wrapper! Martov

The woman is looking at the menu a Cheddar's Scratch Kitchen … She is ordering the Maple Bacon Chicken Sandwich and is paying $8.29 … I did an exhaustive search of EVERY Cheddar's in the U.S. and found that menu prices vary from city to city (I'm retired and have lots of time to problem solve) … the ONLY location that has a menu at that price point and and outdoor seating is located at 15119 NB I-35 Pflugerville, TX 78660. Here's the link. Cheers! Scott from NYC

Well to be honest, the thought that prices would very so much from one locale to anothert didn't really occur to me, but basically I was shooting for Cheddars as a whole. So kudos on that, but I know there are other locations that offer outdoor seating so I'm not entirely sure Pflugerville is the exact location, because the tables there don't seem to match up to the ones she is sitting at.

PRODUCT IDENTIFICATION: this one is easy -- it's Softsoap's Pomegranate And Mango body wash -- but this one is more difficult.

Hey Ernie, Your train wanderer is strolling down the waterfront in Cologne, Germany. The bridge that the train is crossing is called the Hohenzollernbrucke - 6 tracks wide, open only to rail and pedestrian traffic, it is the most heavily traveled rail bridge in Germany, with over 1200 trains crossing daily.

Dude, this one was hard. Lots of time digging and searching on your rooftop Asian girl. She is on top of tower 2, I think, of the Sunyard International Tower in Hangzhou China. Using the Chinese Google, Baidu, I was finally able to get a better translation of the characters from the image and that lead me to a company name. Then on to a headquarters and while no night shot, you can make out red on the short side and white on the long side roof top sign. This was a challenge! Pano of building and Name on front. Always fun - Wade

I tried to get a 3d view of the building via Streetview to see if the rooftop sign was visible, but no joy. So instead, how about a little LOCATION IDENTIFICATION: we've all seen the charging bull statue in New York City -- but can you find this lesser known specimen?

Micrell is specially formulated with a quick-acting antimicrobial agent (PCMX) to kill germs, a light scent and an effective degreasing agent that makes it perfect for foodservice environments. Its non-irritating formula also makes Micrell ideal for frequent use in a variety of settings, including schools, health clubs, restauranta, offices and recreation areas.

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March 25, 2017

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

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President Trump hosted the nation's most decorated war heroes in recognition of the rarely celebrated Medal of Honor Day.

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your weekend boob dump: one - two - three - four - five - six - seven - eight - nine - ten - eleven - twelve - thirteen - fourteen

Dastry - Stasyq176
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March 24, 2017

Today Is National Cheesesteak Day. AND National Cocktail Day. Coincidence? I Think Not.

Happy National Cheesesteak Day 2017! Here are the best ways to celebrate. As for me, I'm just too fucking hungry to be picky, so I'm probably going to order the very first sandwich on the menu. Where am I going and how much am I paying?

Infinite Jest is a 1996 novel by American writer David Foster Wallace. The lengthy and complex work takes place in a North American dystopia, centering on a junior tennis academy and a nearby substance-abuse recovery center. The novel touches on many topics, including addiction and recovery, suicide, family relationships, entertainment and advertising, film theory, U.S.–Canada relations, and tennis. Time magazine included the novel in its 2005 list of the 100 best English-language novels published since 1923. Infinite Jest is a bestseller in literary fiction, having sold 44,000 copies by the end of its first year of publication. The novel has continued to sell steadily and attract critical commentary. As of 2016, Infinite Jest worldwide sales have exceeded one million copies.

Here's the plan. Fill a basket/backpack/tote bag with essential gear so you can quickly head out the door all summer long the moment the picnic mood strikes. No more wasting time tracking things down. No more forgetting important stuff, like the bottle opener. And the food? It can be as spontaneous as a trip to the deli, or as thought-out as you want it to be.

Oh, so you think you know trains, huh? Well tell me everything there is to know about this red train.

That statue is on the Charles Bridge in Prague. And while the statue was removed for the Google map photo, I'm pretty sure it's this one. Nick

Hey Ernie, Love the site. Thank you for your work on the site and never selling out. The young lady on the Charles Bridge in Prague is sitting next to the statues of Saints Vincent Ferrer and Procopius. Wiki states that this is "One of the most artistically important pieces on the bridge, this statue was sculpted by Ferdinand Brokoff in 1712, paid for by Romedius Josef František, the count Thun and lord of Choltice. St. Vincent is on the left, with a coffin and a kneeling penitent sinner by his legs. Saint Procopius of Sázava stands on a devil to the right." I also wanted to give you my condolences on losing Ike. I know that shit ain't easy. Take care, Phil

Hello Ernie, the statue she's sitting next to is on the Charles Bridge in Prague. You can see a panoramic view from where she is standing here in google Maps, but the statue is gone ... maybe with the nice looking black-haired lady on the photo. Greeteings from Germany, Sascha

And if you're one of those peopler who doesn't like cheessteaks -- or put another way, you're a communist -- you'll probably be able to tide yourself with an order of wings. Where are you headed to?

Rainier Brewing Company was a Seattle, Washington, company that brewed Rainier Beer, a popular brand in the Pacific Northwest of the United States. Although Rainier was founded in 1884, the Seattle site had been brewing beer since 1878. The beer is no longer brewed in Seattle, nor is the company owned locally. In the late 1990s, the company was sold to Stroh's, then to Pabst Brewing Company, though Miller contract brews most of Pabst's beers. The Rainier Brewing Company was closed by Pabst in 1999 and sold.

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March 23, 2017

Insert Your Favorite Title Here.

Diamonds are renowned for their ability to transmit light and sparkle so intensely. We often think of a diamond's cut as shape (round, heart, oval, marquise, pear), but a diamond's cut grade is really about how well a diamond's facets interact with light. Precise artistry and workmanship are required to fashion a stone so its proportions, symmetry and polish deliver the magnificent return of light only possible in a diamond. A diamond's cut is crucial to the stone's final beauty and value. And of all the diamond 4Cs, it is the most complex and technically difficult to analyze. The cushion cut diamond combines a square cut with rounded corners, much like a pillow. This classic cut has been around for almost 200 years, and for the first century of its existence was the most popular diamond shape.

The A590 is a trunk road in southern Cumbria, in the north-west of England. It runs north-east to south-west from M6 junction 36, through the towns of Ulverston and Barrow-in-Furness to terminate at Vickerstown on Walney Island. The road is a mixture of dual carriageway and single carriageway, with the section east of Low Newton, Cumbria to the M6 being mainly dual. The road is the main route for tourists entering the southern Lake District. It has often humorously been described as "the longest cul-de-sac in the world". Can you show me where along its route this photo was taken?

Question: what can you tell me about the statue she's sitting next to?

Ernie, this small marina is in Zurich. She is overlooking the River Limmat, and the twin spires of Grossmünster. Fun one today - Wade

Ernie, The young yellow haired lass is standing in between the first and second dock on Stadhausquai Street in Zurich Switzerland; on the Limmat channel. The church across the street is the Grossmünster church completed in 1220. They build em pretty in Switzerland. The church is nice too! Here's a link to map and a link to a panoramic view from where she is standing. -Fish

Question: what brand sun block is this?

Tackle quick cleaning touch-ups and help stop the spread of germs with Lysol Disinfecting Wipes, which eliminate cold and flu viruses, helping to keep surfaces healthy year-round. Strong enough for even the toughest messes, Lysol Disinfecting Wipes can be used on most hard, non-porous surfaces. In addition to killing 99.9% of bacteria and viruses, Lysol Disinfecting Wipes also remove more than 95% of allergens, including pet dander, dust mites, and pollen.

So far no joy on tracking down this Asian sign.

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Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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... more ...



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