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October 31, 2001

So it's Halloween...a very important holiday for the kids. So parents, please remember some very simple steps when having a Halloween party for your children.

1. Parent participation is important, but make sure you always choose a costume that not only lets you enjoy the festivities but maintains your stature as an adult as well.

2. Games are a great way of keeping children occupied while you and the neighbor's daughter sneak off for a little trick or treat yourselves.

3. Provide plenty of snacks both for the children who will be hungry and thirsty from all their excited play, and for adults who will be hungry from other things.

4. Allowing your pets to join in the fun is only fair.

Follow these simple rules, and you're sure to have a good party for your children, their friends, and their parents. Remember, good will towards man. And woman. And don't forget to be safe.

rick and steve -- dilbert hole -- dead arab -- no hummers in nambia

October 29, 2001

Hey to everyone who thought that last post's thumbnailed pictures was child porn, shame on you. haven't you ever seen a digitally edited picture before? Look closely, the "little pussy" is the big pussy mirrored right to left, shrunk down, and then inserted between her own legs. You people need to get your mind out of the gutter.

Anyway, I found out you can learn a lot about your friends when you go out drinking with them, especially when they own a digital camera, eh ol Puddy?! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha! Don't worry folks he follows the sacred rule, which is never bring any evidence away from a bachelor party, but other than that everything else is fair game. Best part is... this is the guy I drank with over Labor Day weekend when I got snot hanging, tub harfing drunk. And while it is true that I was successful in fending off the nutsacking attempt (not all of us are successful), I was not however successful in fending off Let this be a lesson to you young kids. Drinking just brings you problems!

Well, if nothing else, at least I didn't get my leg half knawed off by a fucking brown recluse, eh?

very detailed overhead photo of the world trade center wreckage

October 26, 2001

The story of my life.

A few weeks ago, I had a really bad day at work

So when I got home, I did what most of us would do. I had a few drinks.

Well, to be honest, I drank everything in the house.

Then this fat chick I know stopped by.

So I did her.

At first I didn't remember much, I just had a really bad headache.

But once I realized what I had done, I just wanted to kill myself.

before ernie -- after ernie
how we pray -- how they pray
don't need no man -- neither does she -- neither does billy
neither does a drunk slut

October 24, 2001

You know, a thought occurred to me the other day. it was about whomever is spreading the anthrax around -- I don't think they really knows what the fuck they're doing, because if they did, they'd know that US Postal workers are not a group that should be fucking with. Talking about taking your life in your hands... just wait until their mailcarrier makes a "special delivery" of their own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Anyway, I've got a fucking snot load of stuff to post, so I'm going to slather it up here wherever I can. Some pretty fucking cool links too. And this great video. Oh, and before I forget, the Afghanistan flags arrived yesterday. And I found a pig farm and big ass woodchipper the next town over from me. Heh heh heh.

And just like I predicted on the 23rd of last month, the press is off taking pictures of these "poor little helpless Afghanistan refugees" who the way I see it are too fucking stupid to not live next to a fucking group of tanks and then get injured when we blow the fucking things up. And again as I predicted, in a display of the most ironic of ironies, this would happen while we were still digging our of dead. Told ya. And speaking of which, how about this senior citizens hospital we fucking blew up, eh? Talk about good clean humor, now that's FUNNY! Wanna know why? Because it was probably filled with all the fucking terrorists who blew up the Marine barracks in Beruit b

And you know all the hub-bub about the AC-130 Spectre that pounded the living piss out of Taliban positions last week? Fast story about that from my glorious Air Force days. I was a desk jockey, but in a office where I was able to hear and see a lot of cool stuff. Anyway, the guys from the Special Ops squadron who fly the AC-130's, came to our people with a problem and wanted to know if we could fix it for them. It seems when they were loitering around their target -- flying at 350 knots about a mile up and away from ground zero -- the shells from their 105mm Howitzer was "drifting a little" off course from their predicted kill zone. "Well, that's not right. How far off course?, we asked. "About 12-18 inches." I can't even throw a fucking baseball that accurately.

the look on george bush's face fucking kills me
zeta rock's mass mooning -- this site got me laid -- horny scarecrow
goofball -- jackass alley -- lots of fat chicks

October 22, 2001

Major overhaul done to the site.

And I'm working on the tasteless and flames sections now, so don't get yourself into a panic.

So guess how I spent my fucking weekend, eh? The things I do for you people, I swear...

October 19, 2001

Afghanistan flag update: I've got three flags on their way, thanks to this cool motherfucker Alan from I do need people's help though. If there is anyone out there -- preferably in the Massachusetts/New Hampshire area -- and you have access to a (pig) farm, a commercial duty woodchipper, or a department store mannequin, please email me. The rest of you sit tight, the curtain will rise soon enough. Thanks!

We have all been to those meetings where some asshole wants over 100% effort. So I present to you all, a way to achieving 103%. So here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future...


Then that must mean:
H A R D W O R K (8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11) = 98%
K N O W L E D G E (11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5) = 96%

Which still brings us short of our goal of 100%. So let's look a little further, shall we:
A T T I T U D E (1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5) = 100%

Ah ha! A perfect score. But wait, if there's one thing I've learned in my years, it's:
B U L L S H I T (2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20) = 103% !!!

But then even I can be outdone:
A S S K I S S I N G (1+18+18+11+10+18+18+10+14+8) = 127%!!

Now go out there and give it all you've got.

anthrax tee shirts

October 18, 2001

I'm angry. And I'm gonna tell you why.

I'm sure by now we've all seen pictures on the news of these towelheads running around burning the American flag in protest to our stomping on Afghanistan a little bit. And I'm equally as sure we've all seen the one where the asshole nearly sets himself on fire doing so, so please don't send it to me thinking I haven't seen it before.

To see these assholes burn my flag angers me of course, but it's nothing that I haven't seen before. Back when we had hostages in Iran, the Marine embassy bombing in 1983, when the US Navy accidentally shot down that Iranian airliner (whoopsy daisy!), blah, blah, blah. But today I saw something that really angered me. I dunno why, but it just struck a nerve. There was an AP photo of my flag laying flat on the ground and some towel headed fuck emptying a trash barrel onto it.

I can't explain why. It just pissed me off more then the others pictures combined. I mean stop what I'm doing and stare at the screen for a few minutes and then suddenly realize I'm white knuckled furious. I feel that I must some how equal, if not exceed this injustice. So I browsed around a little more until I found some places that sell international flags. I sent out a few emails to confirm availability, but rest assured I'm going to be acquiring a few Afghanistan flags -- measuring three feet by five feet -- within the week.

What I pose to you, EHOWA Loyalists, is the following question: How shalt I desecrate thee?

I've already decided that I'm going to take a great big American crap, and then wipe my ass with the Afghanistan flag ON CAMERA for all to enjoy. I also thought changing the oil in my Dodge Ram and using one of their flags to clean up might be a nice tribute as well.

Luckily the flags are durable polyester, so I'll be able to wash and re-enjoy the fun a few times, before setting them off to their final fate of flag-flambe (which will also of course be on video). A bunch of people have already written in suggesting I use pigs blood, pork, etc, but I'm looking for really imaginative ideas. Hey this is your list just as much as it is mine, so why shouldn't you be able to partake as well?

Any ideas? Send em here.

drew bytes -- some great telemarketer fun -- uncle melon -- 'bert is evil' is gone

October 16, 2001

Yeah I know, everyone comes here to EHOWA to read my words, but every now and again someone else sums up things in way that I could never dream of. So it's my fucking site and I'll post whatever I fucking want to.

Today's update comes not from me, but from a subscriber's letter that I received the morning of October 13th. Read it and weep.

I said good-bye tonight to a man that I barely know. He has been called to Saudi Arabia to defend me and you. Ernie, I have been a faithful member of your army for years. I'm 24 years old, 6'1" and 260 pounds, and I cried. This man was going to defend my right to get a speeding ticket, my right to file for bankruptcy, my right to hide behind a government that is willing to protect me.

I only wish that every American would look into the eyes of a man that is going over seas to defend THEM. I looked into the eyes of a younger man that is going to risk his life, so that I can have 57 channels of nothing on.

Its the trivial things that make us Americans, the small things that give us the freedom to BITCH about not having what our neighbors have.

I would gladly give up my life, if it would ensure a mothers opportunity to hug her son again, if it would make others understand what it means when we call our defend our right to defend our right to return shit to Wall-Mart because it doesn't work (after a week) defend our right to receive your joke defend MY right to drink beer with a man that will leave his family to defend ME.

I wish I was worthy of such defense.

I pledge, as an American, to live up to my fullest potential, to not take for granted what others have died or are currently risking their lives to protect, and to be a good, honest, die hard son of a bitch that will kick you in the balls if you fuck with my neighbor citizen of the USA.

May our boys come back to their friends, and finish the Keg that they left behind.

Thank you Lucas Hunt, for keeping me safe. I hope you, and your crew members, know that you are loved.

I pray that all our boys return to their friends and brothers safely.

Jeremy Russell
Stillwater, Oklahoma

Couldn't have said it better myself, Jeremy.

Now let's just hope that our guys don't have to put up with any bullshit because from these assholes who don't have anything better to do than complain about Afghani civilians being killed; when in reality they really killed themselves because they're too fucking stupid to realize they shouldn't live 100 feet from a fucking anti-aircraft battery that you know is going to get blown the fuck up!

October 13, 2001

Here's an idea (sent to me by a subscriber).

Take all of the rubble, all of the huge blocks of concrete and steel, the old busted up computers, refrigerators, hot water heaters, air conditioners, lazy boy recliners, etc. Shovel it into C17's and C5's, fly over Afghanistan, and dump it all out from 32,000 feet.

You know, an old Frigidaire can do a hell of a lot of damage from 5 miles up. With each assault we can drop leaflets "Greetings, from the 110th floor of the World Trade Center".

The next day it could be from the 109th floor. The next day it could be from the 108th floor, third day 107th, etc., etc. After 110 days of this I can't imagine much left standing on the ground. I can just see the headlines now "WORLD TRADE CENTER STRIKES BACK"!

What <wonderful irony this would be, and think how much money we wouldn't have to spend on bombs or missiles. And if that isn't enough, we could do the same for tower 1 and 2 to make it 220 days of debris.

Oh, and then nuke em.

the school of ass is back!
x-entertainment - beaver cleaver more pictures of this asshole

October 11, 2001

Behold, EHOWA exclusive photos!

Dear Ernie,

These photos were taken from Diego Garcia on Oct 9, 2001, the first day of "daylight" air strikes. I am in the USAF, and I am what's called an AMMO troop -- I make bombs to put on planes. These bombs have messages on them. This is an old AMMO tradition....Since we can't pick these heavy bastards up and drop them ourselves, we write things on them to show we REALLY care...


bomb one - bomb two - bomb three - bomb four - bomb five - bomb six - bomb seven

original bert and bin laden protester sign displayed by dutch news service

check it out i'm sorta famous (again) -- fifth paragraph down!

the adult friend finder

October 9, 2001

Uhhhh, yeah, ok.

My intuition tells me we're not exactly dealing with the cream of the mental crop here.

Especially since these protesters obviously made their bin Laden sign from a bunch of pictures printed off the web, which is a clever idea, except for the fact that they fucking used a parody one with Sesame Street's Bert still in it. Duh.

The original photo came from Bert is Evil about, eh, three years or so ago.

The man with the afro says come back Osama, and bring his missing friend with you!

October 8, 2001

Gentlemen, start your engines and let the assfucking begin!

Osama bin Laden: "I swear to God that America will not live in peace before peace reigns in Palestine, and before all the army of infidels depart the land of Mohammad, peace be upon him.''

Ernie bin EHOWA: "Alright you primitive screwhead, listen up. See this? THIS IS MY NEW BOOMSTICK! it's a 12 gauge double barrel Remington. Sport's Authority's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. Yep, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $639.95, features a walnut stock, chrome-moly steel, and a hair trigger. That's right, shop smart. Shop E-HOWA. YA GOT THAT?"

. . . sorry I shopped K-mart first because that would have sounded so much cooler than 'Sports Authority' but they didn't have any double barrelled shotguns. . .

whatever dude -

October 6, 2001

I know there's going to be this one particular Air Force shithead who's going to write in and tell me that the picture you see to the right is disrespectful to the American flag. So let me take this pre-emptive opportunity to tell him to go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. Chicks and guns can decorate my flag anyday.

Hey how about these retaliatory strikes (yes I know their flag is displayed improperly -- but ya gotta admire their spirit -- the picture was taken on September 11th so they obviously owned a big flag before the attack and so are not just fair weather fans that ran to pick one up at Walmart because it was the 'in' thing to do...) we're doing in Afghanistan that I see all over the news! Aren't they fuckign great! Man I love watching that shit blow up on TV. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. My mistake. We haven't done any fucking retaliation yet. And can someone please explain me why the fuck we haven't? Can someone explain to me why every member of the United States military hasn't had the opportunity to skullfuck bin Laden yet? I mean we've even got the fucking Russians

A lot of people forwarded in this suggestion to deal with bin Laden...

Killing him would only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner would inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, we should do neither. Rather, let the CIA, Navy Seals, Green Berets or whomever, covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

I think that's silly. Think about our future generations! I say we cryogenically freeze him, and then every September 11th we thaw him out for a good solid kick in the nuts. Then freeze him up for next year. Repeat. See, the gift that keeps on giving.

a little about the victims
don't forget these men who died for their country too

By popular request, here are the two stories that got posted to the mailing list on Thursday. First the fucking NYU pansies. And second the A-10 driver that wants to kick ass on Monday night primetime.

Flag Girl - Flag Girl - Flag Girl - Flag Girl - Flag Girl - Flag Girl

October 4, 2001

Does this shit ever end? Russian airliner bombed? Let me get two things out in the open real quick, so that you can brag you heard them here first.

One, while the plane originated from Tel Aviv, it had a stopover in Bulgaria. Mark my words they're going to find out the bomb (if it was indeed a terrorist attack) was probably smuggled onboard there, because there's no fucking way they could have gotten it through Israeli security. No fucking way. I'll do a post maybe tomorrow and tell you about my experience going through security at Ben Gurion airport in Tel Aviv. Mine was short -- 20 minutes. One co-worker in my office was held up for three hours. I mean I would just find it fuckig impossible if anyone got something past Israeli security.

And two, oh man the Russians don't play this politically correct bullshit game that we do over here... they're going to send in Spetnaz -- who simply have no rules of engagement to follow. Don't get me wrong, our Special Forces kick major ass too, but they're also watched very closely. The Spetnaz? They fight way dirty. They don't have war crime tribunals... they simply march in and pretty much shoot any motherfucker without a Russian flag on their shoulder.

classorsex - smoking gun - dribbleglass - cry for help -

October 2, 2001

Alright, new month, so things can can get back to normal.

It's been pretty surreal for the past few weeks, as I'm sure it has for everyone. But that doesn't mean you can't still have fun. You know, get a little action, Play a few practical jokes, that sort of thing.

One thing I am contemplating doing is picking up a firearms permit. Hmm, tough call between a nice flame thrower, and a Heckler and Koch PSG-1 so I can ping the fucker off at 800 yards. Any suggestions?

Hey here's a tip from your Uncle Ernie. If your wife's eyes are as far apart as a fucking hammerhead shark's... don't make a website about her. Eck!

Gonna be making a trip to San Antonio a little later this month, and I've gotta tell ya I'm going to be paying a little closer attention to my surroundings this time. Don't get me wrong, I'll still give my traditional stripper report, it's just that I'm going to notice other things too. You know, history and all.

Oh, uh, before I forget. Can anyone tell me when the Prez is going to stop being such a pussy and hit somebody?

Feral Afghani Hunt Part One - Part Two compliments of!

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