E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
Put Your Pencils Down
Yep, sorry I've been ignoring you folks the past few days, I've been busy as a bastard with this scavenger hunt thing. Which if I may say so, is going off rather well. In fact, I'd like to take a few minutes to recognize a few people for extra effort and great pictures.
The "Best Homeless Person" award goes to Team 30 the Booze Crew for sending in this old bastard.
The "I Bet She's A Wildcat In Bed" award goes to Team 10 the Drunk Monkeys for proving tits dont have to be huge to be yummy.
The "Best Hunt For A Yellow Ricer" award goes to Team 12 Freaky Tiki's who didn't get the pic she wanted, but tried like hell and showed her goods all over in the process...
The "Biggest Shit Eating Grin While I Bare My Nutsack" award goes to Team 25 Fat Inc. for their clever use of cardboard.
The "How Close Did I Come To Being Arrested" award goes to Team 6 Team Shamsway for baring their nutsacks mere inches from an unsuspecting police officer.
The "$20 Says She Can Do It" award goes to Team 19 Perv's Peversions, and the odds are 5:1 in favor.
The "Hottest Batender" award goes to Team 21 The Roadtripping Boozehounds for this brunette vixen.
The "Wow Does it Fucking Stink In Here" award goes to Team 27 Team Slappy Nuts for this picture they ASSembled.
And finally the "We Even Got An Innocent Bystander To Drop His Pants Too " award goes to Team 4 C4 for this old bastard helping out.
So to everyone who entered the contest, thank you for your effort. To those of you who didn't make the semi-finals, better luck next time. To those teams who didn't send in any pictures at all, it's okay we understand. And to those of you that did make the semi's, one of you will be throwing one hell of a party soon enough.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. Watching Sky News on the Moscow thing, the Sky correspondent suggested that the "captured Chechnyan terrorists may undergo some vigorous questioning from the Russian authorities." Hmmm, I'd say that there's an element of truth in his synopsis, eh
Hey what was the most watched television show in the D.C. area last week? Just Shoot Me! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Put Your Pencils Down
Round one of the Scavenger Hunt is OVER. I am posting the last few pics now. No mas.
My Hat Is Off To You Vladimir Putin
Is Islam Evil?
Those of you who know me know I don't really have a taste for religion -- any religion. But I'm always tolerant of those who practice a faith, and try to do my best to not step on too many toes when it comes to this facet of their humanity.
But fuck, man, I've got to be honest here and say that events over the past few weeks have really caused me to look at Islam with a raised eyebrow and some skepticism. Now I don't want to make any broad sweeping comments like, "are all those people fucking nuts?" but try as I might I can taste those words on the tip of my tongue and they're dying to come out.
Tack on to that the explosion set off by Muslim terrorists in Indonesia that killed all those Australians, and now these Chechyen assholes who took an entire theatre hostage, but not before releasing their fellow Muslims, shooting an unarmed girl in the back, and are now holding the remaining 700 or so at gunpoint. What the fuck?
Back when James Kopp shot and killed the abortion doctor in the name of Christianity, our televisions were filled with priests and bishops denouncing any use of violence on behalf of their religion. So... where the fuck are all the influential Muslims in all this? Why aren't they on TV reassuring is that Islam is peaceful and calling for an end to these attacks, instead of letting these atrocities speak on their religion's behalf? Should I take their silence as condoning these acts of terror?
Because their silence is making me ask the question, "is Islam evil?"
The Difference Between the U.S. And France
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
French Answer: Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
American Answer: Shoot the son of a bitch. Then take your family to a baseball game, eat some hot dogs, have a slice of apple pie, drink a beer, sing the national anthem, then go to church and praise the Lord for one more day of freedom.
There's Treasure Afoot, Matey
Well, it's official...they're off!
Yep, that's right, the Scavenher Hunt teams have been chosen, and they have been given their first ten tasks.
More detailed info will be available on the hunt page!
We Got Em
No more teams for the scavenger hunt. If you're not in by now, you missed the boat. I'm compiling the list of everyone now, stay tuned...
Never Go Dry Again
Alright, I have compailed the final list of objectives for the official EHOWA scavenger hunt, all I need now are the teams which will be competing for the grand prize -- the Summit SBC-500B Keg Refrigerator!
That's right guys, never have to pump a keg like an uncoordinated jerkoff, never have to fuck around with dozens of empties after a dorm party, and most importantly never have to worry about skunked beer. You can pour your beer like the big boys, with just simple tilt of the tap. Be it a keg from the liquor store, or a batch of your own homebrew ......mmmmmmmm beeeeeeer.... this keg cooler will surely make having a few beers at your place the source of legends.
Now a beer fan ladies? So what, no problem! Think of how cool you'll be when your significant other finds this $700 keg cooler under his X-mas tree with his name on it!
So what I need from you guys now is to know who's in! Some of the pictures will require teamwork to get -- how else are you going to get a picture of your pressing your ass to the window on the 5th floor of a building? Thus I will ONLY be accepting TEAMS that:
So gather up your friends, and if you wanna get in on this send me an email spelling out the following:
No I won't publish any of that info, it's to keep me from going to jail and being assraped. Get in early, I'm limiting the number of teams so I don't go fucking crazy. Soon, the games shall begin. Public nudity will not be encouraged, it will be required.
Fire up Those Digital Cameras
Okay. So one more no-notice trip to fucking Philthadelphia later, and here we are. Sorry, no tales of stripper fun this time, the plane barely touched down and I was in the air again. Two days in a row. I feel like shit. Not to mention flying with a head cold is a blast... decending to land means fifteen minutes of fun where the depressurization literally sucks all the snot out of your head so you're leaking like a sieve. Yeah, envy me.
Did come back to some interesting emails though. Right after I posted this link last week, I got this whoch made me laugh milk, instead of snot, out of my nose...
Ah yes, that brings me to my next topic. The unveiling of my wonderful whizz-bang, world changing, earth shattering, mind numbing, and yes beer swilling, idea.
Well, in short, we're going to have a scavenger hunt. But instead of going around and collecting such novelty items as a stuffed platypus and a broken coo-coo clock, we're going to be collecting EHOWA pictures. What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you might ask? Well, we're going to be organizing into teams of 3-5 people, and here's a very small preview list of pictures you'll need to be taking of your teammates standing...
And the list goes on, I've got just over 50 missions right now but don't want to give too many away because I don't want anyone having a head start. Maybe I'll think of a few more before we get started. I'm just waiting to confirm the final details of the grand mo'hammy prize which is valued at $700 fucking dollars and must be claimed by someone 21 or older, since it directly related to boozing.
More details to come, there will be extra points awarded for nudity, and of course, all of the pictures will require the homemade 'EHOWA' sign to prove the pic was taken specifically for the contest!
Die Terrorist, Die!
Oh yes, my life is complete now. The long awaited sequel to "Taliban Bodies" video has been released -- it's called "Die Terrorist Die" and it was created by that patriotic motherfucker over at Grouchy Media! Die motha'fucka die!
You're Just Jealous
So once again I flip on the news this morning and really to no big suprise I'm greeted with yet another sniper shooting in Maryland. Now my first reaction is all "id" -- lucky bastard. C'mon, seriously, how many times have you sat there in a trance a few minutes before a meeting to discuss more layoffs at your job, and just daydreamed about slinging a high powered rifle with a scope up on your back and climbing up the ladder of some abandoned water tower to relieve some frustration upon your fellow man.
All of us have, it'd be un-American not to.
Thing is, normal people stop here when they're shaken out of their nasty self-indulgent fantasies of wanton violence by our laser printers beeping for more paper. It's the folks with a head full of bad wiring that actully close their eyes and stick a fork into a phonebook looking for victim. Besides, I can think of better places to take this guy shooting.
I'm sure we all agree, the guy's got to be caught and I hope put to death with a .38 to the back of the brainstem. But be honest, you're just a little bit jealous at the same time, aren't you?
Oh, I also modified the picture pop-up script so that all you have to do is click on the picture itself to close the window. Very convenient, eh?
Did You Know?
When the atom bomb was being built in New Mexico during World War II, the government hired only illiterates as janitors so they wouldn't be able to pick up secrets from the trash. This policy was so successful that it was expanded to many other jobs throughout the vast government bureaucracy after the war and continues to this day.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened several fucking times already. -- D. Adams.
This Ideas is Gonna Stick
If all my other great ideas in the past were handjobs, this new idea would be a gangbang.
This is like walking into a bar, slamming down a few tequilas and fucking the chick at the end of the bar who just happens to be a porn star.
Japanese cars, farm animals, and homeless people beware, the bald fuck from EHOWA has an idea, and it's gonna be challenging, and you're an intricate part of it. Trust me when I say, charge up your digital camera, and gather up both your friends and your courage, because you're gonna be called out and we're gonna see what you're made of. All except the stupid may participate. And the winners? Yeah the winners will look very cool.
I HATE SPAMMERS
Um, yeah so I "accidentally" received this fucking piece of unsolicited commercial email (SPAM!) in my personal mailbox, my subscribe mailbox, and my unsubscribe inbox all within 20 seconds of each other. You know, because it was on fucking ACCIDENT. Fucking spammers.
Now since I'm not a fucking dentist, I don't give rectal exams, and I find it pretty fucking unlikely that they "accidentally" added three of my email addresses to their list, I've been "accidentally" calling their 800-535-4535 and playing South Park sound clips all afternoon to make up for it.
I've already received two military ticket requests for this year's "Let's bring Em Home" project. I plan on starting things off earlier this year -- I'm shooting for December 1st to start the ball rolling both in reserving tickets and taking donations. So make sure you start setting aside your nickels and dimes kiddies, 'cause Santa is coming to town.
In December 1775, "An American Guesser" anonymously wrote to the Pennsylvania Journal:
Many scholars now agree that this "American Guesser" was Benjamin Franklin.
Wabbit Season Has Opened
This is unbelievable!
The story is that the deer jumped off the Hwy 101 bridge over 394 in Wayzata (apparently scared by a car that drove by as it was walking over the bridge). Poor bastard. Anyway, the Durango was driving under the bridge when it was hit by the falling deer.
Well, venison steaks anyone?
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