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Nov 28, 2002

Let's Bring Em Home, Again!

For the past year I have usually gotten 2-3 emails per week that went something like this: "Wow man, I really dig what you did last year for those soldiers." And yes, I'll admit that I really dug what *we* did last year for those soldiers.

For those of you new to the EHOWA family, last December we kicked off a little project called "Let's bring Em Home" where we all pitched in and bought plane tickets for military personnel who otherwise couldn't afford to be with their families over the holiday season. And I am proud to say, we were a most successful bunch! Over $13,000 donated into the pot, which allowed us to buy 28 airfares for military personnel of all shapes and sizes.

This year, I'm even more proud to announce that yep, we're gonna do it again.

I am a firm believer that the reason there have not been any terrorist attacks on American soil this past year isn't because the Al Queda is sitting around a campfire somewhere kicking the dirt and mumbling, "Shucks we're all out of ideas." No, I believe it's because they've been completely knocked off their game and sent scattering for the hills by the most powerful fighting force in history.

This past year in the fight against terrorism, there have been over 45 soldiers killed in the line of duty protecting our way of life. They fought and their comrades still do fight, so that we can sit down tomorrow and have one more helping of turkey than we should. So that we can wear funny red Santa hats while we walk around the mall and Christmas shop for gifts. So we can sit around with our families during a snowstorm and laugh and talk and bicker and reminisce, all without fear of being killed simply because we live in the best country in the world. They give us the gift of our families and our safety and our freedom.

What's the best way to say thank you and repay the dedication they unquestioningly show us? I say we return the favor, and give them the gift of their families in return.

I know this speech isn't anywhere near as long as it was last year, because I don't want to sound like a broken record. I do encourage any of you who's memory may be a bit fuzzy to take a look back at our efforts last year and perhaps your spirit of giving and patriotism will be rekindled...

Last year's efforts, while certainly done last minute, were an extraordinary success to say the least. This year I'm allowing us some more time in the hopes that we'll receive even more donations and be able to fly even more troops home to deliver Christmas gifts in person instead of by mail.

So it's at this point where for that for one of two times in the year of 2002, yes, I'm asking you to reach in your pocket and part with some cash. Skip your morning double latte and send the $5 to help buy a plane ticket for someone who bravely stands between you and the bad guys. Or $10 or $20. And if you feel their courage is worth more, let your conscience be your guide.

I'll be keeping an updated tally of all the donations, how many tickets we've purchased and for whom, what tickets we're working on, and just about every other scrap of info I can get my hands on at, on this page...

This URL, for those of your concerned, is completely safe for work. Spread it around. I charge you with the monumental task of making this Christmas season better than the last.

Also if you feel so inclined, we're working on a way to donate frequent flier miles as well... that info and more will be available on this site soon.

The preferred method for sending in your donation is via paypal. If you don't have a paypal account, you can sign up for one by clicking here...

Once you're all signed up, you can send in your donation of any amount -- and I do mean any -- right here...

And of course, if you ARE military and need a ride home for the holidays, don't be afraid to ask, because you've more than earned it.

On behalf of all those who will be seeing their families thanks to your generosity, I thank you all in advance for your time, understanding, and oh yeah baby, your donation.

Everyone have a safe and happy holiday.

I've been waiting a year to say this.... All right kids, Let's Bring Em Home!

Nov 24, 2002

Tuesday Afternoon

Looks like this year's "Let's Bring Em Home" project will be kicking a little earlier than our anticipated date of December 1st. Start counting your nickels, as I've already bought four tickets. For those of you new to EHOWA, here's a recap of last year's project, which was a great success. This year's project kicks off on TUESDAY!

More details to follow...

Nov 22, 2002

How Did We Survive?

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our houses and baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors,or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!) We slept without flame retardant pyjamas, without air conditioning, with doors and windows open.

Our dogs did not have rabies shots, distemper shots, parvo shots, and we didn't pour chemicals on them or on us to repel fleas and ticks and mosquitoes. We followed along in the big white clouds sprayed out by the city trucks to kill mosquitoes breathing in the wonderful smell of DDT. We raced around town without adults on Halloween collecting treats and eating them as we went along without having them x-rayed first. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We ate cup cakes, bread and butter, fried fat back for breakfast along with biscuits made with pure lard, and drank sugar sodas, but we were never overweight.... we were always outside playing. We played with cap pistols and toy rifles and rubber knives. We took snakes or frogs or lizards to school, but never guns. We waded barefoot through muddy water in ditches catching tadpoles and crawdads. We cut the grass with push mowers, climbed trees, and walked along the top of fences like they were tight ropes. We petted stray dogs and cats and took them home to see if we could keep them.

We shot off fireworks without supervision or safety precautions and without getting arrested. We made match guns out of clothes pins and shot flaming matches at each other and at passing cars. We walked or rode our bicycles to and from school in the flaming heat, in the freezing cold, and in the pouring rain. We were not afraid to accept a ride home from a total stranger when it was raining. We knocked on strangers' doors without fear when we were searching for our missing puppy or kitten. We left our bicycle lying in the middle of the front yard at night, and it would still be there in the morning. There were tryouts for cheerleader and Little League, and not everyone made the teams. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade as many times as necessary. We didn't wear designer clothes to school or drive shiny new cars to high school. If we had a car to drive, we were happy with anything that would run no matter what it looked like. We had never even heard of seatbelts or airbags, which probably would not do any good anyway with ten people packed into a Volkswagen.

That generation produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one from this generation, congratulations! -- Author unknown.

Nov 20, 2002

Time For an Adventure

When I was in junior high, all I wanted was a girl with nice tits.

In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with nice tits.

one - two

And you folks wonder why I don't post pictures of my ex-girlfriends on EHOWA... Ha! I've got better things to do for five months, like drink beer with you fine people!

military girlfriends and spouses
freakhole - dribbleglass - horny minded - the sex project

Nov 18, 2002

Glad I'm Not A Pats Fan

- Raiders avenged the bullshit Snowbowl loss from last season.
- Tom "Butterfingers" Brady collapsed under pressure as I expected.
- While Brady couldn't hold the ball, the Raiders did hold the lead.
- The Raiders are now 6-4 and the Pats? Yeah they're 5-5.
- I'll be going to the next game to watch Brady cry in person.

So can you believe the stupid fuck who tried to hijack an Israeli El-Al flight using a fucking pocketknife? Man what're you stupid? They're only the most secure airline in the world, that has armed sky marshals on EVERY flight, oh, oh, plus every fucking citizen, including the chicks, have been taught hand to hand combat. You weren't even fucking close pal. Next time, aim for some nobody like Air Zimbabwe or something, because we'll kick your ass too.

What's left to do, other than celebrate!

click here for a picture taken from inside a girl's bathroom!
or here for a (gross warning) grisly photo of a grizzly victim!

Nov 16, 2002

Kneel Before Zod

My hat is off to Dr Yanikoski and the rest of the staff of Saint Xavier University, for setting things right once and for all. Thank you very much.

And thank you to everyone who wrote in to the university and expressed their outrage, and for those who forwarded the story to various news services which helped get the word out even faster.

This I think we can certainly chalk up to "mission accomplished", especially since he was suspended on Vetaran's Day.

Nov 14, 2002

A Lesson On Porn

Well, I learned a lesson on porn sites today.

When you do decide to cough up some cash for membership to a porn site, make sure it's a one time charge and not a monthly reoccuring. Aside from the obvious money thing, there's also the added benefit of never having to call up your credit card company, and explain to the female representative how you'd like to dispute the charge from the merchant "Amateur Action Inc." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You can't make this stuff up!

So for now on, I'll only be linking porn sites that are free, do a lifetime membership, or charge no more than a dollar.

This I hereby decree.

I've got two words for you: FUCKING OW.

Nov 13, 2002

Just Some Stuff

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know before I go any further. How dare I forget the Marines? Happy 227th birthday, groundpounders.

To everyone who's written in to say, "rock on with your bad self Ernie" regarding my Quest to Circumcise the Peter. It's great that you voice your opinions to me, but don't forget to voice them to the school's managing body as well. They need to hear from more than just me to keep pressure on if we are to expect them to take serious steps against this guy. Be respectful.

Why am I being so adamant aout this? Think about this. Your 5 year old son throws a rock and belts another kid in the head. Other kid's parent bring their crying child up to you and like a responsible parent, you make your son apologize. Do you let your kid get away with kicking the dirt and mumbling "sorry" while turning their back to everyone? Or do you make him stand up straight, face the people he hurt and say a sincere "I am sorry". Of course you'd do the latter, but in this case, Pete is trying to get away with just shuffling his feet and saying "he started it".

I'm not going to let that happen.

Nov 11, 2002

Happy Veterans Day


Whereas it has long been our customs to commemorate November 11, the anniversary of the ending of World War I, by paying tribute to the heroes of that tragic struggle and by rededicating ourselves to the cause of peace; and;

Whereas in the intervening years the United States has been involved in two other great military conflicts, which have added millions of veterans living and dead to the honor rolls of this Nation; and;

Whereas the Congress passed a concurrent resolution on June 4, 1926 (44 Stat. 1982), calling for the observance of November 11 with appropriate ceremonies, and later provided in an act approved May 13, 1938 (52 Stat. 351) , that the eleventh of November should be a legal holiday and should be known as Armistice Day; and;

Whereas, in order to expand the significance of that commemoration and in order that a grateful Nation might pay appropriate homage to the veterans of all its wars who have contributed so much to the preservation of this Nation, the Congress, by an act approved June 1, 1954 (68 Stat. 168), changed the name of the holiday to Veterans Day;

Now, Therefore, I, Dwight D. Eisenhower, President of the United States of America, do hereby call upon all of our citizens to observe Thursday, November 11, 1954, as Veterans Day. On that day let us solemnly remember the sacrifices of all those who fought so valiantly, on the seas, in the air, and on foreign shores, to preserve our heritage of freedom, and let us reconsecrate ourselves to the task of promoting an enduring peace so that their efforts shall not have been in vain.

I also direct the appropriate officials of the Government to arrange for the display of the flag of the United States on all public buildings on Veterans Day.

In order to insure proper and widespread observance of this anniversary, all veterans, all veterans' organizations, and the entire citizenry will wish to wish to join hands in the common purpose.

Toward this end, I am designating the Administrator of Veterans' Affairs as Chairman of a Veterans Day National Committee, which shall include such other persons as the Chairman may select, and which will coordinate at the national level necessary planning for the observance. I am also requesting the heads of all departments and agencies of the Executive branch of the Government to assist the National Committee in every way possible.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and cause the seal of the United States of America to be affixed.

Done at the City of Washington this eighth day of October in the Year of our Lord nineteen hundred and fifty-four, and of the Independence of the (SEAL) United States of America the one hundred and seventy-ninth.

By the President:

Secretary of States.

My thanks to all veterans both past and present.

Yeah Pete, you're getting real fucking famous now. We ain't stoppin until you've been fired.
abc news -- nbc news -- frontpage mag -- google

Nov 9, 2002

Guantanamo Airlines

Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Ernie and I'm the senior flight attendent on your flight. We'll be departing Kabul, Afghanistan in about 3 minutes and arriving at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba's detention facility in approximately 13 hours. At this time I'd like you to make sure your trays and seat backs are in their upright and locked position to prepare for takeoff. Once we reach a cruising altitude the captain will turn off the 'fasten seat belt' sign allowing us to move about the cabin but not you.

Although there will be no food or beverage service on this flight, should you feel the need to relieve yourself please feel free to do it in your pants as we have placed puppy housebreaking pads under your ass to keep our multi-million dollar aircraft smelling fresh. The in-flight movie will consist of two prime-time features, "Taliban Bodies" and "Die Terrorist Die", but this is irrelevent to all of you as you have been bound, gagged, and blindfolded.

Flight attendents will be making their way around the cabin to assist you, and once again thank you for flying Guantanamo Airlines.

Resign now Pete, word is getting out!

Nov 6, 2002

Sometimes Sorry Just Don't Cut It

Now I'm a pretty laid back guy, and few and far between are the events that really piss me off. Sure we all get frustrated or a little irritable every now and again, but I'm talking really pissed off.

So I'm sure you'll share my suprise when I opened my inbox and read this little exchange between a cadet at the Air Force Academy and a processor of history from Saint Xavier University...

--------- Original Message ---------------
To: Peter Kristein
From: Cadet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 2002 13:16:20 -0700

Dear Sir or Ma'am,

The Air Force Academy is going to be having our annual Academy Assembly. This is a forum for mainly but not only Political Science majors, discussing very important issues dealing with politics. Right now we are in the planning stage for advertising and we would appreciate your help in the follow areas. Do you know of or have any methods or ways for interschool advertising and or communications? What would be the best way for us to advertise at your school whether it is sending you the fliers and you making copies or by perhaps putting an advertisement in your local publication? We would appreciate your input and the cost of what you recommend. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Very Respectfully
Cadet xxxxxxxxxxx

Alright, not so bad so far, right? Just a college kid who attends the AF Academy and is asking for some contact information for another university. No biggie. But here's the reply he received.

-----Original Message-----
To: Cadet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
From: Peter Kristein
Sent Thursday, October 31, 2002 146 PM
Subject: Re: Academy Assembly

You are a disgrace to this country and I am furious you would even think I would support you and your aggressive baby killing tactics of collateral damage. Help you recruit. Who, top guns to reign death and destruction upon nonwhite peoples throughout the world? Are you serious sir? Resign your commission and serve your country with honour.

No war, no air force cowards who bomb countries without AAA, without possibility of retaliation. You are worse than the snipers. You are imperialists who are turning the whole damn world against us. September 11 can be blamed in part for what you and your cohorts have done to the Palestinians, the VC, the Serbs, a retreating army at Basra.

You are unworthy of my support.

Peter Kristein
Professor of History
Saint Xavier University

So that, as one might expect sent me into a fucking tirade. I mean I saw seeing fucking stars. I wanted to kick my dog. I wanted to smack my television. I wanted to drive to Chicago and take a great big shit on ol Peter's car. But instead, I cooled down and calmly came to the realization that this matter will need to be handled with diplomacy and tact instead of brute force and anger. So I wrote the following letter to our dear professor and cc'd the President of Saint Xavier University....

Date: Tue, 05 Nov 2002 210815 -0500
Cc: Dr. Richard Yanikoski
From: Ernie
Subject: Fwd Re Academy Assembly

Hey Petey,

This email was forwarded to me by one of my subscribers, and to say that I found it's content distasteful would, at the very least, be a booming understatement. You are walking proof that even the most well educated people can still be frustratingly ignorant of the happenings in the world around them, stumbling around through life with blinders on like a retired draft horse. You see I, as are many average Joe Americans, am under the apparently false impression that our nation's educators are a tolerant and enlightened bunch who foster thought and dialog with those they are charged with teaching. Your blatant hypocrisy in this area has proved that theory is no more than wishful thinking on an earth-shattering scale.

Christ, the kid came to you simply asking for some contact information not to overthrow the world, and certainly not to be subjected to a tongue lashing fueled by your political views regarding events that happened well before he even graduated middle school. But since you're so willing to open your big fat mouth and cast your ante into the political poker table, I'd like to call your hand.

Let's take a look at what we've got here. A young person came to you and very politely asked for your assistance and you not only rebuked them and refused to help, but further added insult to injury by attacking them personally. Why did you do this? Because you disagree with what this person does for a living? Could you not simply just ignore their request, or perhaps reply with a polite, "Sorry not interested." Or would that be too low key for you? Maybe you're not strong enough to deprive yourself from the personal gratification you get when tossing some venomous, unprovoked remarks at someone who doesn't share your same views about the world?

You Mr. Kirstein, are the real disgrace to this country, and I am appalled you would *not* supporting the soldiers, sailors, marines, and yes airmen -- who put their lives at risk so you don't have to. But hey, that's your right as an American I suppose.

Let us for the moment overlook the irony of the fact that if you were to criticize the governments of Palestine, Vietnam, Serbia or Iraq, you would be drug out of your house during the middle of the night; probably stripped naked before the eyes of your crying children and weeping spouse, beaten unmercifully in the town square, executed with a bullet to the back of your brain, all before having your rotting corpse serve as a warning to those who oppose the government's rule. Let us further overlook the irony that the only reason people like you aren't beaten and killed for voicing such idiotic fantasies, is because so many men and women of our military past have chosen to give their lives in place of yours.

Instead let's look at website bio, you say you teach peace and freedom. And yet you call one of those who keeps you safe and defends your freedom a "coward" and a "baby killer" and even go so far as to suggest the military personnel of this country are responsible for the 3,000 terrorist victims of last year's attacks.

No, those aren't the words of someone who practices peace and freedom, those are the words of a grade-a certified ASSHOLE.

You want cowardly, Pete? How about the concept of flying a plane into thousands of innocent men, women and children is cowardly. Try that on for cowardly size and see how it fits.

But while we're on the subject of what pisses off who, I should confess I'm furious that you pretend to understand the situations in which these people fought and died because you read a few textbooks, snapped some pictures, and maybe even took the time to browse through a few tourist brochures, while other people -- people much better than you -- speak of these places with first hand knowledge and have the scars and nightmares to prove it.

These heroes of battles past that are the true teachers of our nation's wartime history, not some self righteous has-been with a fancy diploma and a lifetime subscription to National Geographic. But I think most of all, I am furious that someone who claims to be a well respected educator, would refuse to help a student from any institution of learning simply because of conflicting political views.

In my opinion, I don't think that person is teacher at all but more of a fraud, a fraud who damned well ought to be ashamed of themselves and offer that student their most humble apologies.

And I'd like to think that you'd be ashamed little Petey, but again let's be honest, that would just be more wishful thinking, wouldn't it?

You insulted all military personnel, past, present and future, you did it while acting in the official capacity as a History Professor of Saint Xavier University, and therefore have spoken on behalf of the University. That's very important because in this country Mr Kirstein, we don't publicly execute people for voicing their opinions against the government, we subject them to something far greater power: the court of public opinion.

Since you seem so eager to voice your political views on others, I'm going to make it easy for them to return the favor. In addition to sending this to the President of Saint Xavier University and his staff to see firsthand the calibre of intolerance they have representing them, I am also posting it, along with your contact information, to the front page of my website for all my daily visitors to see. I'm also going to forward copies to the editors of the Chicago Tribune and Chicago Sun Times, along with a few radio stations in your area. Hopefully, you'll get a taste of your own medicine and won't be so eager to impose your warped moral code on others.

Yes you say you teach peace and freedom, but both the intolerance with which you seem to treat people that harbor different views than you and the enthusiasm with which you persecute them, is quite frightening. I hope that cadet not only doesn't resign their commission but instead continues on to serve their country proudly for a long time. You on the other hand, much like the old draft horse, should have been retired out to the back pasture a long time ago.

In closing, I want you to know that this evening while I'm sitting on my couch and watching the news to see which new terrorist scumbag didn't complete his morning coffee run thanks to a Hellfire missile, you'll be in my thoughts; I'll be praying you get hit by a big fucking bus.

God bless the USA, and woe to her enemies.

Warmest regards,

Ernie Stewart Jr
USAF, 1991-1996

P.S. Nice picture. Keep the sweater. This way you look as bizarre and outdated as your sense of reality, you bow-tied schmuck.

I felt better. I vented, and it felt good. And then I received this auto-reply...

Date: Tue, 5 Nov 2002 20:07:25 -0600
From: "Peter Kirstein"
Subject: Due to considerable off-campus interest in a private

Due to considerable off-campus interest in a private correspondence with a military person, I am posting this. The situation has been resolved on a personal level with humility, mutual respect and friendliness. May nations also learn differences can be overcome, disagreements bridged and that peace and harmony are possible.

I apologize for offending the countless men and women of the military who serve this nation with professionalism and dedication to their mission.

First off by noting the "private message" is a sly way of implying there was some breech of trust here. I don't think so. Did he send it from his work account? Yes. Did he reply with "Professor of History" in his email footer? Yes. Was the original question posted to him in an official capacity because of his position? yes. Then guess what Jack, that wasn't a private email it was official correspondence. not to mention if he didn't want to be famous for his controversial views he shouldn't have been so fucking anxious to share them.

Want to offer a real apology Pete? Why not post it on your page of the university website, maybe somewhere among the "challenge American unilateralism" propoganda and the plug for your new book, "False Dissenters: Manhattan Project Scientists and the Use of the Atomic Bomb".

So now I leave it in your hands, fair reader, the judge and jury in the court of public opinion. Personally, I think "oops I'm sorry" is something you say to someone after you step on their foot when the subway comes to an abrupt halt. I don't think it quite covers labeling generations of America's warriors as "cowards" and "babykillers". But that's just my opinion.

Nov 4, 2002

Say Hello To Allah, Motherfucker!

The CIA launched a missile at a car in Yemen early Monday killing six suspected al Qaeda members, including the terrorist organization's chief in that country who was wanted for the bombing of the USS Cole, sources told CNN. The Hellfire missile was fired from a CIA drone, sources told CNN. Pentagon and U.S. intelligence officials refused to discuss the report.

The dead man, Qaed Senyan al-Harthi, also known as Abu Ali, was one of the assholes involved in the 2000 suicide bombing of the U.S. warship Cole in a Yemeni port that killed 17 U.S. sailors. Walid Al-Saqqaf, managing editor of the Yemen Times, told CNN that Ali was identified as the one in the vehicle by a mark on his leg, which was blown clean fucking off in the blast and found near the scene.

Witnesses of the blast were quoted as saying, "Man, you got knocked the fuck out."


Nov 3, 2002

My Friend Puddy!

Now I know I've got a fairly large audience here, so I just wanted to take a few minutes and pay tribute to a person truly deserving of recognition. Let me take a few minutes and tell you about my friend Puddy.

Puddy truly is the best person alive. In fact, I feel my life has been enriched by just having known this splendid individual for a few short years. I shudder to think what my existence would be if I were to not have Puddy as a friend, surely I would be worth nothing. My value as a human being would be a mere shadow of what it is now, if it were not for Puddy.

Puddy is the greatest. He is the best. I would eagerly lay down my life just so Puddy could have a warm place to sit down and eat his breakfast. In fact, I even stayed up late last night penning this small tribute to the amazing Puddy...

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
My life would be dogshit Puddy,
if it weren't for you.

I know there are lots of you out there who look up to and admire me, but I can only shake my head and sigh. For if you too were as lucky as I am to be allowed to bask in the wonder that is PUDDY, I am sure you would give me no more attention than a rock stuck in your shoe.

Oh, and by the way, the Raiders lost. Again.

Now that's a bird strike! one - two - three - four

Nov 2, 2002

They Survived!

Round two of the scavenger hunt has started. To the victor go the spoils...

Can you crack my code? i hUJ0H 05 W,I 35V37d 3W d73H

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

... more ...


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