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September 29, 2003

Good From Far, Far From Good

Just a note to other webmasters/forum users out there. If you see a pic you like on EHOWA and want to use it yourself, hey go nuts. But don't be a prick and try to steal my bandwidth by linking the picture right off my site. That's weak and only skinny crack ho's do that. I review the server logs periodically and when I find someone stealing my bandwidth, I shoot them in the face with a bazooka. So please, if you like a pic and want to use it for your own purposes feel free. Just download it and put it on your site to utilize your bandwidth, not mine. Thanks.

You'll never look at playboy magazines the same way again. The guy does professional photo retouching. He shows some photos of hot babes in bikinis and stuff, and then he shows the photo before it was retouched.

the thirteen things that make life worth living

September 27, 2003

To Call Or Not To Call

Do Not Call! First Ammendment! Judges. Senators. Telemarketers. Almost as much drama as is on our forums from time to time. Please allow me to voice my opinion which will, not suprisingly, be superior to all others.

The first dipshit judge struck down the D.N.C. list, because he deemed the Federal Trade Comission overstepped its authority by creating it. This is a stupid argument, he knows it, and is now paying the price. Congress rapidly passed legislation reaffirming so, and before you knew it we were back at the races.

Now another judge has stepped forward and with a bang of his gavel, he too has struck down the list that would make 50,000,000 phones a little quieter during dinnertime. And I hate to say it folks, but this latest guy has got a point. Not for any first ammendment issues, that's as stupid as the FTC argument, because a telemarketer's right to speak is counterbalanced by my right to privacy. But because the current proposal would prevent one group from calling, while allowing others to continue. It would discriminate against, and man it pains my heart to even say this because I loathe them with the very being of my soul, but it would discriminate against telemarketers.

Sigh. I can't believe I just said that. Please, before you spit Coke all over your monitor and delete your bookmarks to EHOWA, allow me to 'splain.

The whole purpose of the D.N.C. list is people are sick and tired of having their dinners interrupted by unsolicited phonecalls with people soliciting donations, our business, and our opinions. How many times have you put down your fork and scrambled for the phone, only to find the caller-id reads, "Out of Area" which is a sure sign you're going to be greeted either by a machine, or some squeaky voiced dipshit reading from a script, "Uh hello, is a Mr....uhhh.....Steeewert there?"

The D.N.C. list as it stands prohibits only to commercial telemarketers from calling you, but allowing non-profit organizations and political parties to keep dialing away and interrupt your mom's special meatloaf suprise just like they do now. The lawmakers said, "Okay put your number on this list and it'll be illegal for anyone to call you" That's kind of self serving and unfair. If I'm sitting down and spending time with my family and friends, a phonecall asking me to donate money is just as unwanted as a call asking me to buy aluminum siding. My point being, we don't care why the person is calling, we just want them to go away and never do it again.

What Judge #2 is saying is, "I think this list is a good idea and if we're going to implement it, then EVERYONE adheres to it not just a few groups we choose. And until the law is written that way, it's discrimination and therefore unconstitutional." And while I would be grateful for the lion's share of telemarketing calls this current law would block, and would love to see all telemarketers roasted alive in the flaming pits of hell, I have to reluctantly agree with el'Judgo.

No matter how attractive a law squashing telemarketers is, the way it's currently being implemented is flawed. Either nobody is allowed to call, or everybody is. That my friends, is the American way.

Unless of course, you do want to buy aluminum siding.

September 25, 2003

Hey Kennedy Shut Your Boozehole

Oh by the way, here's the telephone number for the the dumbass US District Judge in Oklahoma City who thought it'd be a bright idea to try to strike down the nationwide "Do-Not-Call List". Thankfully, Congress picked up the ball. Anyway, let's see how he likes to be interrupted while he's eating his meals and otherwise trying to conduct business.

I was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, I lost my wallet with all identification. Cutting my trip short, I attempt to make my way home but was stopped by a Customs agent at our border.

"May I see your identification, please?", asks the agent.

"I'm sorry Sir, but I lost my wallet", I replied.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border", says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" I exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one ass cheek and a picture of George W. Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see", replies the agent.

With that, I drop my pants and bend over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!", exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Massachusetts."

"Thanks", I said, "but how did you know I was from Massachusetts?"

The agent replies, "I saw the picture of Ted Kennedy in the middle."

September 24, 2003

Don't Step On My Blue Suede Shoes

You know, try as I might, I couldn't find an official website for Primer 55. What's up with that?

Anyway, one of my neighbors was car-hijacked at a traffic light! A young woman proposes to wash your car window while you wait at the red light, and another one takes advantage of it to open the back door and steal everything she can grab. Be warned, they are very well organized. Don't leave your doors or windows open if you drive up to a red light! If your windows get washed... don't look at them, they'rejust trying to distract you.

U.S. Court Blocks Anti-Telemarketing List - Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me. Tell me there wasn't any money slipped into a suit pocket with this bullshit.

September 22, 2003

Virus Alert

I'm sending this to all who send me email. One of you sent a virus to me recently, but I don't know which of you did it, or which file it's in. But it's a very serious virus -- just look at what it did to my mouse....

So, Congress is complaining on how long Bush's war is taking but consider this: It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation. It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. (They conveniently appeared shortly after the statute of limitations had run out.) It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to storm the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick. It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida.

And for those of you who don't see updates to EHOWA every couple days or so, read this and learn how ot use your computer for something other than a paperweight...

From: Allan Korte
Subject: A quick question...

I think I may be having problems with my browser... Here's why, and I've noticed it with several of the sites that I typically visit daily...

When I go to your home page, the last post I see is the "Why Terrorism Works" which I think you posted on the 11th of this month. Also, when I try to check out the tits section, it's the same half a dozen or so pictures you had posted before you got hurt.

I go to a few other sites daily, and i think maybe I'm seeing 'old' versions of their sites as well.

So I'm asking first, have you updated your site since that "Why Terrorism Works" post? and secondly, do you know of a setting I should or could change to rectify the problem if I"m in fact not seeing the latest and greatest version of the websites I visit?

Thanks, Allan
To: Allan Korte
Subject: RE: A quick question...

In Internet Explorer change the following...

Tools, Internet Options, General Tab, Delete Files, [OK].

Tools, Internet Options, General Tab, Settings - check "every visit to the page" and then lower the allowed disk space to 1mb, [OK]

Give that a try and let me know how it works out.
From: Allan Korte
Subject: Re: RE: A quick question...

Wow... I've now got an awful lot of boobies to look at now!

The settings were set up as to check for new versions "never" and with 250mb of storage. Thanks a bunch!


Question. There is a frog stuck in a 60 foot well. How many days will it take the frog to get out if for every day he jumps five feet up, but then falls back three feet? Need help with the answer? Just drag your mouse over the following block of text...

[ Only 29 days. The last jump he was out of the well so he did not fall three feet back! ]

Oh and I know there are a lot of racing fans out there, but who would have thought there'd be so many demolition derby drivers?

ehowa car 1 - ehowa car 2

September 20, 2003

Help My Friend Get A Job

Hey a good friend of mine, Susan, is looking for a job as an Administrative Assistant. If any of you know of an open position out there, Im sure she'd really appreciate the inside track. Here's her resume's cover letter...

Good daye,
I can only Type wif one finggar (middelfingar) but can sulve Solitair in 20 seconds in the Profi mode. I dont´t worry about the telefone because I talk to my frends on it for about 5 howers a daye.
I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secretairy but it musent be to complicaited. I ave a small problem from wen I was born (I ave a funnye culor hair), so you can pai me less if you tink that I am good for the jobb.
Thak you in advancie for yore answer.
Yore best aplicant so farr
PS : Because my resime is a bit short heer is a picksure of me taken at my last jobb.

Thanks in advance, I'm sure she'll really appreciate it.

September 18, 2003

A 120 mph BMW launch

This for everyone who drives too fast and believes your car will protect you in case of a crash. This should also be a message to all the idiots out there with enough money to buy a fine Bavarian driving machine but not enough sense to learn how to drive one; or any car for that matter. The driver? Wiped up with paper towels.

Writing is a lot like sex. At first you do it because you like it. Then you find yourself doing it for a few close friends and people you like. But if you're any good at end up doing it for money.

September 15, 2003

Two Things

1. ATV Crash Pics, Part Deux. A little forensic evidence in my latest ATV crash. For starters, see if you can tell where the hill ends, because I sure as hell couldn't. And for a little perspective, that brown stick in the background is a telephone pole. Look closely from a little further back and you'll notice my tracks going right off into the wild blue yonder. And here's a shot looking straight down, which is tough to get perspective on with the ground all one color, but the quad at the bottom is six feet long. Here's my Raptor's only visible damage, the torn seat. Let us all give a moment of silence for my helmet, which galiantly sacrificed its life so that I could live to ride another day. Here's me with a concussion, notice my battered brain bucket on the trailer to my right. No visible wounds to speak of this time. The lesson? Always wear your lid, folks. Because if I hadn't, you know what probably would have happened. Chi-kow!

2. Best Tits. We're up to twenty five entries so far, which is good considering that I haven't been promoting in in my previously mentioned unconscious state. I'll have the categories and prizes posted later today!

September 13, 2003


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Neat, eh?

September 11, 2003

Why Terrorism Works

By Irwin N. Graulich
Sep 4, 2003

Stop thinking like a Westerner and you will begin to understand terrorism.

There was virtually no guilt trip for destroying the great cities of Nazi Germany, Japan or Korea, including the unfortunate victims of war known as "innocent civilians." Once upon a time democracies knew their enemies and were able to determine general target locations. There was no moral problem with bombing Berlin, Dresden, Hiroshima or Nagasaki, although they resulted in hundreds of thousands of casualties. Yet today, when 5 civilian deaths are produced in Iraq or 2 Palestinians are wounded by rubber bullets, the event becomes a worldwide tragedy. Even worse, the targeting of a Hamas terrorist has become synonymous with assassinating a head of state. Why?

How did terrorism manifest itself into freedom fighting and what are the reasons it has emanated from the Muslim world? When a once great civilization and religious culture fails miserably, it has only 2 choices. Go out of business or delude itself into believing it has not failed at all, by producing a new false reality of physical strength and spiritual greatness. Thus terrorism was born to compensate for a hatred of the good and successful, who are also superior in virtually every way. Muslim religious leaders are its major proponents because they see the flaws and fraudulence of their own belief system which is a frightening concept.

The previously mighty, powerful Arab and Muslim world has fallen into the dustbin of history. It no longer produces anything of value, wisdom, discovery or progress. Those amazing Arabian armies of the desert have been reduced to the laughing stock of West Point studies, with the six strongest Arab nations together being totally decimated by a tiny Jewish nation of largely Yeshiva boys.

Furthermore, this little Jewish state has become one of the leaders in scientific and technological breakthroughs, while the countries that retain a good portion of the world's oil wealth have trouble building a shopping center. Israel is a hard enough pill to swallow, but America's success cannot even fit into their mouths.

As Western democracies progressed into the 21st century, much of Arab/Muslim civilization reversed course back into the 16th century. No more great Muslim warriors; no more medical breakthroughs; no more beautiful writings. The development of modern warfare has made every Arab and Muslim country the "butt" of military jokes. The well known videotapes of large battalions of soldiers crying and surrendering to the Israelis waving their hands in the air, or the "brave, great" Iraqi soldiers giving up to journalists during the Gulf War have become embedded into everyone's mind, especially fellow Muslims. Their dignity was destroyed and thus terrorism was born. However, there is something wrong with a mentality that is embarrassed because a tyrant like Saddam was defeated.

Terrorism is a type of warfare where the perpetrators can truly never lose. Since terrorists are made up of many independent cells and events, there is no unified army to defeat and no flag to surrender. Even more incredible, the supportive local populations who most certainly have knowledge of or harbor them, become innocent civilians. Bomb factories, young men living in apartments with AK-47's and no jobs, people shooting rockets and machine guns blasting; yet the neighbors know nothing. Give me a break!

The brilliance of terrorism is that it separates the population from its army so that the foundational populace is absolved of any sins. And thus you can now have a nation like Iraq being separated from Saddam's Baathist regime in which the Iraqis bear absolutely no responsibility, except for 55 people in a deck of cards. Unfortunately many Iraqis were part of the problem, but terrorism and a terrorist dictatorship has allowed them to hide. This strategy also entitles troublemakers to blame their rescuers for the entire predicament. Throw in the term "occupation or occupier" into the mix, and the total responsibility is cast on the morally decent savior, America.

Terrorists have become great public relations propagandists. Unfortunately, wars throughout history have produced many civilian casualties. That is the nature of the beast. While innocent women and children were certainly killed in Allied bombings over Nazi Germany, the ultimate blame for their deaths was always understood to be Hitler and his evil henchmen. Leave it to the geniuses of "the religion of peace (sic)" to develop a new tactic that makes every Muslim an innocent civilian.

Fighting terrorism has led to an immoral concept--the fighting of a compassionate war. Such an idea is a moral outrage. The nature of war and victory is to totally defeat the enemy and create an atmosphere of fear so that they do not rise up and shoot your soldiers or blow up UN officials having meetings. Of course, a moral nation does its best to minimize civilian casualties. However, terrorists have an uncanny ability to rewrite moral battles into genocidal atrocities like Jenin.

Blaming decent democracies is the foundation of terrorism. Because no Arab or Muslim nation is a capitalist democracy where people can feel proud of their accomplishments, terrorism and the lies associated with it are designed to make their populations feel good. It was obvious that America would become the target of terrorism after Israel. After all, America and Israel are, according to the Islamic world, the only countries stopping world domination of Islam.

The Arab and Muslim populations are desperate to believe that they have not lost every war, that they are not weaker than the Americans or God forbid the Israelis. That is why they believe the big lies. According to Adolf Hitler, you heart and your mind have to be open to believe, which is why there can be a museum in Cairo, Egypt dedicated to the Egyptian victory over Israel in the Yom Kippur war.

America and Israel, represented by Christianity and Judaism, are the moral mirrors held up to the face of the Islamic world. They see our successes and our decency. They see how American soldiers treated Iraqi soldiers who were wounded. They see how some Palestinians are treated in Hadassah hospital and how a modern Israeli society has been built in only 55 years. America and Israel are just too superior morally, intellectually and technologically. No one could be that good or successful.

Arafat, bin Laden, Saddam, the Ayatollahs, Assad, the Saudi ruling family, et. al. must all be saying, "We Muslims look like jerks. Let's destroy those despicable, morally high Jews and Christians. They make us all look bad. Wait, we cannot accomplish this goal. Let's use terrorism; it seems to be working."

taliban bodies -- die terrorists die

September 10, 2003

Behold He Has Risen

Well, my back is feeling a little better after my roller coaster of an ATV ride. The human body just wan't meant to take that kind of punishment, ya know? I don't remember waking up this sore when I used to play golf.

I've still got about half a dozen more Best Tits entries to post, but hey these fingers aren't working with as much dexterity as they did two weeks ago. The fat kid is sore.

From: Kurt Nelson
Subject: You sure were lucky!

Hey Ernie, I'm glad to hear that you are alright after the Wile E. Coyote incident. You said you would not call yourself lucky, I disagree. I was on a motorcycle June 14. I was on Southbound Interstate 5 in San Diego. Got hit by a car, run over by a motorcycle, hit by a truck, and drug under a truck. I am now in a wheelchair. I would love to trade you for a concussion and a bruised spine. You were indeed lucky in my book. I am glad to hear you are fairly healthy, and wish you well. Respects, -Kurt

Jesus Fucking Christ, Kurt. Want some advice? Don't go for your pilot's license.

I've received a lot of tough news lately. First, I found out the love of my life was cheating on me. Yes, you heard me. I just found out Kylie Minogue is now engaged to some schmoe, and it happened right under my nose. Then, I find out Jenny McCarthy refuse a lesbian scene with Pamela Anderson in a new spoof movie 'Scary Movie 3'. God dammit all to hell. What's next, outlawing beer?

Hey if you're surfing EHOWA from work and don't want to get in trouble, use this spreadsheet as a good cover story.

September 8, 2003

ACME Rocket Powered ATV Anyone?

All I can say is, Ugh.

For those of you wondering where the fuck I went and why the fuck the site hasn't been updated, here's your explanation. You see it was August 31st, the day before Labor Day, and me and a couple guys from work went out riding our ATV's at a sand pit somewhere in Nowhereville, Mass. Now said sand pits are owned by a concrete company (sand being one of the ingredients to mix concrete) and in the dozen or so times we've been to this place, nothing has changed terrain-wise. No new hills, no new ditches, no construction vehicles or their tracks, no new signs, I mean nothing. It's been unchaged like this for six months, and we've all made the logical conclusion the sand pits are no longer mined, and are probably abandoned. OK, fine.

So, we're zipping along going up and down the hills, which are anywhere from 20'-25' high, and we're having ourselves a grand ol time. I crest one hill and lean back on the seat, ready to plunge downhill into the next berm. One second I'm buzzing along on terra firma and the next second, I'm not. The ground just fucking disappeared right before my eyes. The entire side of the hill had been excavated sometime within the past week and now was no longer a hill but now a cliff. So all of a sudden I'm living out a scene from of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, flying through the air with nothing between me and the angry looking ground but two stories of fresh New England air. I hovered there midair for a split second with my eyes bugging out and a little fucking "Yipes!" sign, just an instant before I disappear in a cloud of dust and coyote hair. I think I remember hearing the plane crash sound byte they play when the boulder falls on him.

In case any of you are curious as to what your last words would be in such a catastrophic event, rest assured that mine were, "Oh Shit." I didn't scream it, I didn't yell it, but more of a loud matter-of-fact. At least, as was reported to me by my friends who heard my battle cry, and came to see what happened after the ensuing silence.

I do remember on the way down, in the 0.0000000001 seconds I had to contemplate my fate, that it was possible for me to land this. That's not to say I have the skill or experience to do so, but that it was merely possible. And I only mention this because (a) it's the only thing I remember about the accident and (b) I'm pretty sure I held onto the quad all the way down and didn't bail. Whether that was a good or bad thing, we'll never know, because I'm sure as fuck not going to re-enact it just to pacify somebody's curiosity. I can tell you this though, we found my tire tracks at the top of the cliff... no skid marks, full power right off into the wild blue yonder. Didn't even have time to touch the brakes. With something that happens that quick the only thing you really have time to do is shit your pants.

My crash landing would have been much worse had there not been some loose sand at the bottom, which I'm guessing is a byproduct of the hill's recent excavation, ironically enough. But I do know that I hit hard and have the helmet buckle imprinted in my neck to prove it. As best as anyone can figure, the quad landed nose first and then somersaulted a few times, me being thrown clear on the first revolution. I have to tip my hat to Yamaha as they sure can build em, because the only damage to the quad is a ripped seat.

Me? Good thing I drink milk. I ended up with a mild concussion, bruised spine, and a pretty sore fucking shoulder (I think it's something with my collar bone). I couldn't remember the date, my phone number, or even if I had just crashed -- I kept asking if that's what happened. To date, I don't remember the half an hour before the crash, the crash, getting up from the crash, riding my ATV back to the trucks, waiting while they were loaded up, changing back into street clothes, the entire ride back to drop everything off at one of the guy's houses, the ride back to my house (someone else drove both legs), going up three flights of stairs to my place, taking my contacts out, or getting into bed. I suppose it could have been a lot worse, but I'm not going to sit here and say I was "lucky" because if I were, I wouldn't have driven off a fucking cliff to begin with, right?

My doc gave me a prescription for "hydrocodone" which as best I can tell is generic vicodin. And how the fuck anyone can become addicted to this shit is beyond me. They're like instant little hangovers. Pop one pill and you get to enjoy some serious nausea, a swimming head, and fucking get this... body aches. What the fuck? The only way these things work as painkillers is you're too busy trying to not throw up to worry about what hurts.

I do have a shit load of pictures (both boobies and not) to post, which I will try to get to later today. This is my first day back to work (I was off all last week dry humping a heating pad on my couch), so stay tuned.

September 7, 2003

Werewolves in London

I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand,
Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain.
He was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook's,
Going to get himself a big dish of beef chow mein

Werewolves of London

If you hear him howling around your kitchen door,
Better not let him in.
Little old lady got mutilated late last night,
Werewolves of London again.

Werewolves of London

He's the hairy-handed gent who ran amuck in Kent,
Lately he's been overheard in Mayfair.
Better stay away from him,
He'll rip your lungs out, Jim.

Werewolves of London

Well, I saw Lon Chaney walking with the Queen, doing the...
I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. walking with the Queen, doing the...
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's,
His hair was perfect.

Werewolves of London

Draw blood

so long, warren zevon. aaahhh-ooooooooooo!

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