E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Boooooo!

From all of us here, to all of you out there, Happy Halloween!

I hate to spoil a surprise, but I'm doing so only because I have to appeal to all of you to help me out with a prop.

My costume this Halloween is going to be that of Niels Bohr, the 1922 Physics Nobel Prize winner from Denmark. I'm going to dress in a severe dark brown suit, and shave a little off my hairline and dye my hair white, as was his before his death in 1962. Then I'll put bags under my eyes, and perhaps construct a nondescript cleft chin. I'll walk around Halloween parties talking about how I incorporated Max Planck's quantum theory into Rutherford's atomic model of negatively charged electrons moving in circular orbits about a positively charged nucleus.

I imagine most people will guess who I am immediately, but just in case, I'll have witty lines ready like, "Who do you think I am? I only envisioned specific discrete energy levels for the electrons within which they could move yet not emit radiation-that's all, you stupid fucks!"

Or maybe I'll say "Did any of you other fucking freaks hypothesize how an incoming particle could strike a nucleus and create an excited "compound" nucleus? Huh?" "Does the goddamn Schledinger Wave Equation ring a bell with any of you pussies?" Then I'll smash a bottle of Newcastle Ale against my head, as Niels used to do with his science counterparts at cocktail parties hosted by the Royal Academy of Science. He was a gas, that Neils Bohr-- physicist, chemist, citizen of Denmark, lover of thousands, heavyweight prize fighter with a vicious haymaker.

Anyway, my question is, does anyone have a pair of brown socks I can use to make my outfit complete? Thanks.

But seriously, everyone be careful out there, you know with witches flying around and all.

And life is good again.

Well, I've finished my physical therapy sessions for my seperated shoulder, and all seems to be good. I get the occasional popping or clicking noise every now and again, but I can live with that. I can even ride in the car for more than an hour and not feel back pain. And just as importantly, I can update on a regular basis again. Life is good. Time to get back on the ATV and exercise a little more caution for now on, eh?

I was a little disappointed to have my sessions end truth be told, as I rather enjoyed the experience and feel it enriched my life. I grabbed some snapshots of my fellow injurees, just for keepsake.

Oh How The Mighty Have Fallen

Delicious.

What other word could I choose to express my joy over the Yankee's shutout in Game 6?

Yes, delicious.

The Yanks come in looking all tough and invincible. Nobody kept their eye on the Marlins at all. Let alone expect them to kick anyone's ass. And now, well, thing just fell apart for the pinheads in pinstripes and viola! It's time for a party!

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feelings, which thinks that nothing is worth war, is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing, which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than him." -- John Stewart Mill (1806-1873)

Do You Know This Person?

I need some help!

On Monday my car radio was stolen from my car. Fortunately a security camera mounted on a wall near my car recorded the incident. JSO has now been able to give me a photograph of the suspect to circulate to friends, in the hope that this person can be identified. While some features are familiar to me I cannot positively identify the suspect; but you might be able to help.

Please let me know if you have any clues because, while losing the radio doesn't really matter, I'd just love to get my hands on the suspect. The photo is here. Thanks.

"People who treat others as less than human must not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned." -- James Baldwin (1924-1987)

If You're Happy And You Know It

This fine, upstanding member of the infamous 18th Street LA Gang, decided one day that he would try to car-jack a semi truck at gun point as part of his gang initiation. The thug jumped up on the driver side, while the truck was in motion, and stuck a gun in the driver's face. The only problem was that the truck driver opened the door and knocked the attempted thief off. He lost his balance and fell under the wheels of the truck, at which time the driver slammed on his brakes, resting on top of him and decided that this was the perfect time to whip out his Fuji Disposable camera...Say cheese, homie!

squished homie 1 -- squished homie 2 -- squished homie 3

All Hail The Mighty Gluttons

In this year's Tour deFrance, German Jan Ullrich -- the man most capable of challenging Lance Armstrong for the win -- fell down in a crash when another bike crashed ran into him. Armstrong saw this an raised his arm, slowing down the lead pack of riders and let Ulrich catch back up to them. A few days later, some crazy lady literally hooked Armstrong's handlebars with her umbrella handle, sending him crashing to the pavement with only six miles to go to win his fifth Tour. In a splendid display of sportsmanship, Ulrich who was in the #2 position right behind Armstrong at the time of the crash, slowed down and let Lance pick himself back up and regain the lead. That my friends, is what sports is about. Victory over your opponent in an honest competition fought on a level field of play. Can you imagine if that happened in baseball?

With the Yankees front office, it's never about having an honest contest, it's about them winning at all costs. There are a handful of teams that can beat the Yanks every so often, but the majority don't stand a chance in hell and quite frankly never will. Is it because the Yankees are such a great team? Well maybe. But really it's because the other owners don't have the enormous bankrolls to spend on every all-star players that walks through their front offices door with a bat and glove for hire. If Bill Gates decided to build a team money would obviously be no object for him. He could easily pay $25 million a year to each of his players, undoubtedly the absolute best in each of their respective positions, and each year the Yank fans would be sitting right alongside the rest of us saying "what the fuck?" I just think that's a crappy way to win.

Baseball is the only major sport where there is no mechanism in place to keep all the teams on a level playing field. Football has salary caps and the draft. The NBA has salary caps and the draft. Hell ever NASCAR has regulations in place governing the allowable specifications of their cars, rules which which keep a well bankrolled team from using their wealth to a greated advantage than a less funded team. (NHL has neither but let's be honest, who the fuck watches hockey?) Sure some teams like the Giants, Red Sox or Cubs can get a big name or two, but nobody has as many household name players as the New York Yankees. Their annual salary requirements at $160,000,000 PER YEAR are more than the GNP of some third world countries. They can literally outspend their opponents into defeat before ever taking the field -- and if it weren't the Yankees with the big dollar signs, it'd be somebody else.

I'll be honest, I've never been much of an athlete but I know football a shit load better than I know most other sports. I've never picked up basketball (I'm too fuckin short). Or hockey (I'm too fuckin small). Or really until this season, baseball (see reasons above). I know last year the Raiders were AFC champs. This year they're dogshit. Four years ago, the Rams were unbeatable. Now they're so-so. Four years ago the Chiefs were last in their division. Now they're undefeated. It's ever changing and evolving thanks to the checks and balances of the draft/salary caps. Last year's underdog is this year's suprise winner. There's a sense of anticipation in not knowing how your team is going to do this year and an adrenaline rush watching the season unfold each game.

A Yankee fan can pretty wake up on opening day feeling pretty confident their team is going to have a hot season and make the divisional playoffs, regardless of any improvements other teams have undergone during the off season. I guess I just don't see the fun in that. But that's okay because this is professional sports and remember their golden rule: It's not how you play the game but if you win or lose. Right?

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

How much did the Yankees pay you to leave Pedro in for the 8th inning?

Why in God's name didn't you relieve him when he was showing signs of fatigue back at the end of the 7th?

I hope you get hit by a bus.

So whaddya think?

Aside from the occasional typographical or grammatical error, how do ya think it's coming along so far? Shootin for mid November as the official launch date.

Oh by the way, Siegfried, of the famous Siegfried and Roy duo has announced that the lavish production of magic and wonderment at the Mirage hotel and casino will in fact return. Siegfried proudly announced "The show will go on!", and should continue delight audiences with the Las Vegas strip's most popular act. Siegfried said that the only change will be that from now on, the show will be known as Siegfried and Claude.