E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

I Had A Rough Weekend.

After I awoke in a bath tub full of ice, feeling very sore, I noticed my kidneys had been stolen and saw a message on the mirror that said "Call 911!". On my way to call 911, I realized my computer had a virus that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "'Osama bin Laden Captured!", and then decided to calm down for a moment by enjoying a Pepsi, until I noticed they had omitted the "Under God" from the pledge of allegience.

Luckily for me, knew I could pay the medical bills for my kidney trouble, since I knew someone in Zimbabwe who needed to msuggle out $32 million and would let me keep 10% for my efforts. I also knew all the computers get together to distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe, under the leadership of Bill Gates who promised a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000. I then tried to call 911 from a payphone and swore I saw Andy Kaufman walking down the street next to a tattooed guy wearing a wedding dress.

Which worked out well for me, because I was able to ask them for their help pushing my car, since I ran out of gas after not filling up my tank to protest high gasoline prices. We saw a motorist with his lights off, so I flashed my lights at him, then got shot as part of a gang initiation.

I always knew Mondays would be tough.

say what you want, but this is funny

look at the last picture for a hidden surprise!

Rotating Joke

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Because I Choose To.

One of the sites I visit daily is Fark -- there's always load of stuff to read and keep yourself occupied. My hat is off to some of the people who think of the headlines they use, and to many of their photoshop kings.

My hat is not off however, to some of the tree huggin hippies that respond to said articles by voicing their misguided and often curdled ideas, but hey this is America and it takes all kinds, right? One such tool went off in a predictable SUV bashing thread and challenged the following..."

So I'd like to take a few minutes out of my day and, on behalf of all of my fellow gas guzzling drivers, answer this person's question.

Hmmm, how do I justify driving this bigger, costlier and more polluting vehicle which consumes more finite resources and wears publically funded roadways more quickly and presents a profoundly greater danger to my fellow drivers and frequently to myself?

I'm going to not go into how I live in New England and will have to venture through 18" snow drifts to buy a quart of milk because the plows haven't come through yet. No I won't go into how I tow a trailer, sometimes through mud and swamp water, places where your little pussy electric hybrid Escape would fear to tread. No I'm not going to go into the physics that if I ever had a drunk driver wander into my lane and slam head on to me with his new enviro-friendly Prius, he's most certainly be decapitated as the suspension of my truck cleaves his head off at the jawline, and the only thing I'd have to worry about is if I can stick the landing. It's simple: you hit me, you die. And quite frankly I don't care. Don't wanna die? Buy a truck.

No, Mr Greenpeacey Save The Whaler, I'm going to make my justification as simple as this: I drive my gas guzzler because I fucking choose to. I love the way I can make windows reverberate when I tromp on the gas pedal at a stoplight. I love the way I can barrel ass up the entrance ramp the highway and blend into traffic even while towing a boat, instead of coaxing some little pussy gas sipper up whispering, "I think I can, I think I can," because I didn't get a running start at the fucking hill. I love the way I can look down into girl's cleavage and smile as they hit bumps in the road. But most of all, I enjoy running people like you into the guardrails when you think you're going to muscle your way into my lane to get a few car spaces ahead during rush hour.

"...wears publicly funded roadways more quickly..." -- Are you fucking kidding me? Is this a real argument, or did you have some minimum word requirement you had to fill? Did you do any thinking before spewing this bullshit out? I'm guessing not because....

Well what do ya know? By your own argument, carpooling four workers to the office each morning in a hybrid electric car, is harder on the roads than me driving in alone with my gas guzzler. Pardon me while I make bumper stickers, "Save the Earth! Ban carpooling in little piece of shit cars!" You stupid ass.

So do I spend more time at the pump than you do? Yeah, but who really gives a fuck? If I couldn't afford the gas, I wouldn't drive the truck. No, Mr Hippie, I drive my gas guzzler because I fucking choose to, and I don't have to justify myself to you or any of your hippie friends. And if you can't accept that, then you sir can climb right up here and kiss my balls.

So when you see me coming in your rear view mirror, you better get the fuck out of the left hand lane, otherwise "EGDOD" is the last thing you're gonna remember. Not because I'm an SUV driver, or a pickup truck driver, or a gas guzzler driver, but simply because you're a judgemental asshole. And there simply ain't room in this town for the two of us.

deploying troops need to find homes for their pets

dodge ram curb weight of 4,600 lbs, with a fuel capacity of 26 gallons @ 8 lbs per gallon. maximum registered weight of 6,400 lbs. honda civic hybrid curb weight of 2,675 lbs, with a fuel capacity of 13.2 gallons @ 8 lbs per gallon. passengers at 175 lbs each

Hey Hold This In Your Face.

Anyone else sick and tired of seeing videos and photos of killed Americans? I am. So let's turn things upside down a little bit, how about some videos and pics of killed Iraqis? Yay!

Here's a particularly stupid Iraqi who hasn't learned the most important rule about an ambush: you should conceal yourself first. And kneeling down in the middle of the street is not very concealing. Watch them brains flow, courtesy of your friendly neighborhood M-249 SAW!

So send em if ya got em kids, and I'll get em up.

Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

So I Had A Pretty Strange Dream.

So here's a dream that woke me up this morning.

I was back in Rochester, New York where I'm from, and was walking along by what used to be Sammy's Pizzeria on Colvin street in the neighborhood I grew up in. Sammy's got shut down some years ago once the cops discovered he was dealing more coaine than pepperoni, but I digress. I had a small brown june bug in my hand and for whatever reason decided to put it in my right ear. Where he crawled in and made himself at home. I distinctly remember that numb sensation of pressure you feel when you have water in your ear after swimming all day.

Anyway, realizing how uncomfortable I was, I decided that I no longer wanted mr bug kickin his feet up in my ear, so I tilted my head to the right side and tapper the left with the palm of my hand, trying to dislodge him. But he would have none of it and held fast. More pressure. They with my head still tilted, I thumped my palm just behind my right ear and was rewarded with the bug starting to jar loose and come out. But he only came halfway out and then wouldn't come any further, no matter how hard I thumped.

So I then had to reach in with the tips of my thumb and index finger, grab a hold of the little bastard, and yank him out like a big fat booger. As soon as he came out, relief washed over me like rain.

Then I woke up. Anybody got any ideas as to what this means?

grandma's retirement party -- i forgive all canadians -- redneck doorbell -- tall bike dot net

a fish story -- motivational beer posters

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I'm Feelin Awful Stressed Lately.

I dunno if it's the long, cold winter we had, or if it's just the fact that I'm getting lazier. But I find myself wanting to be at work less and less recently. Maybe I'm just old and worn out?

I think I just need a good vacation. I've got plans to hit Hawaii later this year, but quite frankly I don't think I'm going to last that long. I need to get the fuck outta dodge now. And not just a sit home with my feet up and watch television vacation, but a real live travel and see some of our nation's historic monuments or something?

Oh oh, someone else's kid got naughty and is having their shit sold on ebay! Phish tickets anyone?

New feature archives: suicide bombers and saddam's capture. And if I have to warn you the suicide bomber pics are graphic, then you're dumb fuck!

I Ain't Got A Keg To Stand On!

Forget the hassle of renting a tap from you beer store and making sure you return it on time. Gone are the days of wrapping a blanket around your keg to keep it cold. Just put your keg in the keg bag and fill with ice. Next simply twist down the pump and you are ready to go. Sleep as long as you want the next day and forget the fine for returning your rental tap late. Get your kegger kit!

i like my coffee, like i like my women...

Happy 18th Birthday Girls!

News flash just in for the year 2035.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally, scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Muslim Extremist dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

Well Smack My Ass And Call Me Rare

Dear President Reagan, today was your funeral here on the east coast, I honored your passing the best way I knew how. I took a personal day off work and and spent it at the pool enjoying the sun was the best way I could think of to pay tribute to a former governor of California. Godspeed. And did anyone else wonder why they keep dragging poor Nancy to the casket each time? She looks sad enough. Jesus, let the poor woman rest already.

Speaking of pool time, I was able to start up a conversation with a woman at the pool had just moved into our complex. After about 15 minutes into our conversation, she confessed, "There's something I'd like to get off my chest." I thought it was kind of cool she was ready to confide in me after knowing me for such a short time. Surely this was a good sign eh? "What's that?" I asked. "Your eyes."

Ouch. I need better shades!

wedding gifts anyone -- totally wrong -- wow and you thought kerry had a cute daughter

Some girls beg,
and some girls borrow.
Some bring joy,
and some bring sorrow.
But best of all,
are girls that swallow.

Address at the U.S.-French Ceremony at Omaha Beach on the 40th Anniversary of D-Day

We stand today at a place of battle, one that 40 years ago saw and felt the worst of war. Men bled and died here for a few feet of - or inches of sand, as bullets and shellfire cut through their ranks. About them, General Omar Bradley later said, "Every man who set foot on Omaha Beach that day was a hero."

Some who survived the battle of June 6, 1944, are here today. Others who hoped to return never did.

"Someday, Lis, I'll go back," said Private First Class Peter Robert Zannata, of the 37th Engineer Combat Battalion, and first assault wave to hit Omaha Beach. "I'll go back, and I'll see it all again. I'll see the beach, the barricades, and the graves."

Those words of Private Zanatta come to us from his daughter, Lisa Zanatta Henn, in a heart-rending story about the event her father spoke of so often. "In his words, the Normandy invasion would change his life forever," she said. She tells some of his stories of World War II but says of her father, "the story to end all stories was D-Day."

"He made me feel the fear of being on the boat waiting to land. I can smell the ocean and feel the sea sickness. I can see the looks on his fellow soldiers' faces-the fear, the anguish, the uncertainty of what lay ahead. And when they landed, I can feel the strength and courage of the men who took those first steps through the tide to what must have surely looked like instant death."

Private Zannata's daughter wrote to me, "I don't know how or why I can feel this emptiness, this fear, or this determination, but I do. Maybe it's the bond I had with my father. All I know is that it brings tears to my eyes to think about my father as a 20-year old boy having to face that beach."

The anniversary of D-Day was always special to her family. And like all the families of those who went to war, she describes how she came to realize her own father's survival was a miracle: "So many men died. I know that my father watched many of his friends be killed. I know that he must have died inside a little each time. But his explanation to me was, `You did what you had to do, and you kept on going."

When men like Private Zannata and all our Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy 40 years ago they came not as conquerors, but as liberators. When these troops swept across the French countryside and into the forests of Belgium and Luxembourg they came not to take, but to return what had been wrongfully seized. When our forces marched into Germany they came not to prey on a brave and defeated people, but to nurture the seeds of democracy among those who yearned to bee free again.

We salute them today. But, Mr. President [Francois Mitterand of France], we also salute those who, like yourself, were already engaging the enemy inside your beloved country-the French Resistance. Your valiant struggle for France did so much to cripple the enemy and spur the advance of the armies of liberation. The French Forces of the Interior will forever personify courage and national spirit. They will be a timeless inspiration to all who are free and to all who would be free.

Today, in their memory, and for all who fought here, we celebrate the triumph of democracy. We reaffirm the unity of democratic people who fought a war and then joined with the vanquished in a firm resolve to keep the peace.

From a terrible war we learned that unity made us invincible; now, in peace, that same unity makes us secure. We sought to bring all freedom-loving nations together in a community dedicated to the defense and preservation of our sacred values. Our alliance, forged in the crucible of war, tempered and shaped by the realities of the post-war world, has succeeded. In Europe, the threat has been contained, the peace has been kept.

Today, the living here assembled-officials, veterans, citizens-are a tribute to what was achieved here 40 years ago. This land is secure. We are free. These things are worth fighting and dying for.

Lisa Zannata Henn began her story by quoting her father, who promised that he would return to Normandy. She ended with a promise to her father, who died 8 years ago of cancer: "I'm going there, Dad, and I'll see the beaches and the barricades and the monuments. I'll see the graves, and I'll put flowers there just like you wanted to do. I'll never forget what you went through, Dad, nor will I let any one else forget. And, Dad, I'll always be proud."

Through the words of his loving daughter, who is here with us today, a D-Day veteran has shown us the meaning of this day far better than any President can. It is enough to say about Private Zannata and all the men of honor and courage who fought beside him four decades ago: We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we may always be free.

Thank you.

- President Ronald Reagan, June 6, 1984. Normandy, France.

Happy Trails, Big Ron.

"When the Lord calls me home ... I will leave with the greatest love for this country of ours and eternal optimism for its future, I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead." -- Ronald Reagan, Nov. 5, 1994

A Hollywood star-turned-political force, Reagan swept into office as the 40th U.S. president in 1981 on a flag-waving conservative revival that changed America's political and economic landscape. Reagan, who died today at the age of 93 after a long struggle with Alzheimer's disease, was a genial optimist and maestro of a simple -- critics said too simple -- creed promising lower taxes, less government, a powerful national defense and unabashed patriotism. He was, in my not so humble opinion, one of our nation's best presidents.

Ronald Wilson Reagan
February 6, 1911 -- June 5, 2004

Why? Why? Why?

Why couldn't I have been named Kermit instead of Ernie?

Why do women have two hands? I know why men do.

Why can't there be more full service gas stations like this one?

Why can't Michael Jackson still be black and singin ABC?

Why is it when you stand in the middle of a library and scream, "Aaaaaaagghhhh!!!" at the top of your lungs, everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in?

Wow I'm Hitched on Florida

So that was a pleasant trip to say the least.

I mean we had some fun on the beach, saw a few Florida babes, and of course we spent our fair amount of time boozin it up.

Even got our fat asses out on a boat and did some fishin. Which if there's one funny thing you have to see in your life, it's a fat city kid trying to keep his footing on a rocking boat while reeling in a fucking fish.

Now I know it may just be my imagination given I went from 62 degree weather to 92 degree weather, but everything seemed nicer in Florida. I mean even the homeless people seemed better.

Back here in in Holiston, Mass, someone went around on Memorial Day and posted signs with the names of soldiers killed in Iraq. A loyal EHOWA subscriber, was able to snap this picture. Thanks Bob.

Things to keep you busy
outrageously stretched limos -- b-52 model airplane