E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

A Halloween Safety Public Service Announcement.

As we all prepare for this Halloween season, please take a few minutes to read some simple rules to help keep everyone safe.

1. - Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.

2. - When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

3. - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4. - Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out.

5. - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

6. - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.

7. - Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing!

8. - As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.

9. - Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

10. - If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand there sighing with relief, GET THE FUCK OUT!

11. - If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short circuits; JUST GET THE FUCK OUT!

12. - Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

13. - If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

14. - Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

15. - If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

16. - If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

17. - Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

18. - If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had a full tank of gas, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.

19. - Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

20. - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

Hubba, Hubba.

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Droppin Bomz On Yo Ass.

Right now, Satan is freezing his ass off.

Oddly enough, although I had my full glass of Coke I forgot to put my Damon shirt on at the start of the game. And he slammed an opening home run anyway. Then I realized my mistake so I ran and changed shirts into my game attire, and the Sox struck out and the Card's lead runner got on base. So fuck, I ran back, ditched the Damon shirt and put my other sweatshirt back on. Seems to have worked, because the Sox kicked ass. Hmmm, I guess it was the lunar eclipse?

I know the Sox have a lot of free agents who will be on the market next season, and the chance of this team staying intact are pretty slim - big money will probably lure some away. But I'm okay with that. We had our taste of the sweet nectar of victory. I feel like this was our last week at summer camp, and we just beat the kids from the camp on the other side of the lake at our annual olympics. Time to fly back home.

You know I have to be honest, I almost feel sorry for the Cardinals. Really. I think this was just the Red Sox's year, and the Cards just were in the wrong place at the wrong time. All their players showed a lot of sportsmanship, they tried hard and well, shit happens. They just got smothered. But it gives me great pleasure to say, "Well there's always next year guys!"

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Well Holeeeeeee Sheyat.

More in the morning, I'm too dumbstruck.

Go Sox.

Eight games in a row.

Unbelievable. I'm still a nervous wreck.

And all you curse believers should have known better than to come around to my house. Don't you know this is my corner, bitch.

Oh, and Adam Sandler and Babe Ruth can both kiss my hairy ass!

So I'm THIS Close To An Aneurysm.

Growing up I was never into baseball. Which was odd, because my best friend Dino sure was, and us being from New York he was of course a hard core Yankees fan. I remember hanging around at his house watching the game, wondering what the fuck all the hub-bub was about when he's jump and scream because of a late inning hit. I just never got it. Baseball always seemed too slow paced for me to get excited about.

I started watching the Sox (especially behind home plate) sometime around 2001'ish, more because it looked good on the big screen tv than any other reason. I'd usually flip back and forth between the game and something else more interesting so they never got my undivided attention. Then about halfway through last season, I decided I'd watch a game from start to finish and see if I could get into it a little. And much to my surprise, I did. I mean I didn't freak out and jump around the house like Dino did, but I enjoyed the game.

And then yes, last year I learned why Red Sox fans were so supersticious, and why I was supposed to hate the Yankees so much; they broke my heart. So needless to say I followed the Sox with a little more enthusiasm this year, and can freely admit to having seen the last eight games from start to finish. And now I do shout at the tv, bang my fist and freak out when we leave runners stranded, and scream, "Fuck me!" with every strikeout. Besides let's be honest, it's not like it's worth my time to root for the fucking Raiders.

I'm also instrumental in the Sox's success, too. In order for them to do well, I have to watch the game by myself, on my couch, with my Johnny Damon shirt on, and a drink a glass of coke. No friends, no food, no phonecalls. And if the glass starts to get empty, the Sox start to make mistakes and I have to rush to fill my glass back up so they can get back into the game. So far I'm 3-0. So close, yet so far. If the Sox win, there's going to be a hell of a fucking party at my place. I know eight games does not a die-hard fan make, but it's a start.

Go Sox!

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Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their new Yankees stamp?
A. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

No, No. Who's YOUR Daddy?

You know, if four days ago you'd have told me the Sox were going to win the ALCS when they were down 0-3, I'd have called you a fuckin liar. But alas, they fought the good fight and the unimaginable has come to be... and The Evil Empire has been defeated.

I am so glad Johnny Damon chose last night to power out of his slump. I was really starting to feel bad for the guy, because he's such a top notch player and I know his poor performance in the series up to that point must have been wearing on him.

And I am so glad Curt Schilling pitched great in Game 6, thanks in no small part to a procedure to repair the tendon in his ankle; a procedure never before used and tested on a lifeless cadaver. I'd also like to thank Nomar Garciaparra for finally contributing to the Red Sox, as that cadaver.

And I'm so glad Alex Rodriguez is a greedy asshole and chose to go to the Yankees for another $12 million, and thus being his broke ass mojo over there and not here. Curse this, bitch!

So Painfully True It Hurts.

Ahhh, if this picture had only been taken fifteen years later. Ha! Anyway, this is how today's media would have reported the Normandy invasion to free those living under German tyranny...

June 6, 1944. -NORMANDY- Three hundred French civilians were killed and thousands more wounded today in the first hours of America's invasion of continental Europe. Casualties were heaviest among women and children. Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery fire from American ships attempting to knock out German fortifications prior to the landing of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops.

Reports from a makeshift hospital in the French town of St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse than the French had anticipated and reaction against the American invasion was running high. "We are dying for no reason," said a Frenchman speaking on condition of anonymity. "Americans can't even shoot straight. I never thought I'd say this, but life was better under Adolph Hitler."

The invasion also caused severe environmental damage. American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery destroyed miles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres of ecologically sensitive wetlands. It was believed that the habitat of the spineless French crab was completely wiped out, threatening the species with extinction.

A representative of Greenpeace said his organization, which had tried to stall the invasion for over a year, was appalled at the destruction, but not surprised. "This is just another example of how the military destroys the environment without a second thought, " said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all about corporate greed." Contacted at his Manhattan condo, a member of the French government-in-exile who abandoned Paris when Hitler invaded said the invasion was based solely on American financial interests. "Everyone knows the President Roosevelt has ties to big beer," said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer industry is conquered, Roosevelt's beer cronies will control the world market and make a fortune."

Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were based in part on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who sent a letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a secret weapon, a so-called "atomic bomb." Such a weapon could produce casualties on a scale never seen before and cause environmental damage that could last for thousands of years. Hitler has denied having such a weapon and international inspectors were unable to locate such weapons even after spending two long weekends in Germany. Shortly after the invasion began reports surfaced that German prisoners had been abused by Americans. Mistreatment of Jews by Germans at so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored but so far, remains unproven.

Several thousand Americans died during the first hours of the invasion and French officials are concerned that uncollected corpses pose a public health risk. "The Americans should have planned for this in advance," they said. "It's their mess and we don't intend to clean it up."

Ah it ain't easy being us.

Gross warning. When the sign at the roadblock says "STOP" it means stop, not punch the gas and try to bust through. Because if you do that, you know there's not going to be any happy ending. Now is it me or does this guy look a little like Dr Zoidberg from Futurama? Wow, pretty nasty. I didn't know the human head contained so much stuff. And finally, the zombies can reast easy, there's enough brains to go around.

Oh Who Are You Foolin?

Here are a couple of myths that I want fat people to hear disspelled:

Myth #1: I'm not fat. I'm big boned. Not true!! Based on height, most bones are the same size. And most of the fat people I know are midgets. And even if you were big boned, why does your arm jiggle like that when you are waving?

Myth #2: There's more of me to love! Not true!!! There is actually less of you to love. Your fat deposits are hideous and repulsive, and therefore disgusting. There is, however, more of you to beat up for no other reason than your obesity and lack of effort to curb your unhealthy appetite.

Myth #3: Beauty is a state of mind. Also, not true. Beauty is a state of physical health and attraction. Look at a picture of yourself - being grossly overweight makes you unattractive.

Myth #4: Wearing makeup will make you more beautiful. Again, not true. It will, however, it will make you more colorful.

Myth #5: They're laughing with me, not at me. I don't know where you get this. This is definitely not true. I have laughed at many fat people during my life. How can you not laugh? So. They are laughing at you. And so am I. Ha-ha.

Myth #6: Wearing a purple sweat suit makes you look less repulsive. I can't help but laugh at this one. This is not true. Wearing purple will only make you look like a giant grape.

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A Horse Named Kryptonite.

So completing the trifecta of celebrity deaths, Christopher Reeve bit it earlier today. Surely one can cay without refute that our beloved Superman has been the largest activist for spinal cord injuries; putting a household name to an type of injury that is so rare that I haven't even heard of anyone who's heard of someone with broken spinal cord.

I remember reading the autobiography he wrote (obviously with some help) following his paralysis back in 1995, and there's one thing that always struck me as a little off. Perhaps dare I say, a little self serving? You see, Christopher Reeve was great at using his fame and fortune as a campaigner for spinal cord victims after he himself became paralyzed, and that's a good thing. But where was he before his injury? Why wasn't he using his fame and fortune to speak out for this treatment before he himself needed it? It's almost strikes me that he wasn't for helping any cause in particular, until he found himself in a position of needing their help first. I'm just not sure how I feel about that.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed his movies -- well okay, some of them -- and I think he's done nothing but good things in regards to making the general public more aways of spnal cord injuries, spinal cord treatments, et al. I just wonder what kind of an activist he'd have been if back in 1995 he picked himself up off the dirt, brushed himself off with an embarassing laugh and merrily rode away, instead of lying there in the dirt gasping for breath while paramedics breathed for him.

Who would have thought, that the real life kryptonite would be a big brown horse named Buck. Godspeed, Man of Steel. We hardly Knew Ye.

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Sovereignity.

Halloween is just around the corner. Shall I make people laugh again by repeating my performance as a Cardinal (or maybe Bob Ross!)? I am undecided. I just know I won't go dressed as a selfish cunt.

So anyway, Cheney and Edwards went at it pretty good last night, didn't they? A lot more heated than the first round. When Edwards started talking about Cheney's daughter, Dick had a look on his face like he was going to climb over the table and smash him like Robocop. But hey, they each showed class in the end, I think. And clearly both are much better speakers than my man GWB.

I got some bitchin pics in with the following explanation:

And as fucking cool as that plane looks, and as hot as the pilot is, and as much as I'd love to believe these photos are real...sigh... but they're not. Yet on the upside, her breasts are and I Jessica Biel.

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Four! Four! Fuckin Four!

So long Rodney Dangerfield. Even in death, you get no respect.

Ah Sometimes You Crazy Canucks Are Alright.

I've received emails from a bunch of Canadians rushing to distance themselves from the Ms. Magee, Dumb Bitch Extraordinaire. And it's okay, I know she doesn't speak for all Canadians. Now granted, if this happened about five years ago, I might have had a very darker outlook, but I'm older and wiser now. And it is with great pleasure that I share this delicious little tidbit...

Ah sometimes one of you crazy bastards north of the border does something that almost (almost!) makes me proud to be your neighbor. I mean fuck, releasing Martin Short on the world is pretty a unforgiveable offense.

Q. What was the film called where Luke Skywalker got a manufacturer's recall notice on his Volkswagen?
A. Return of the Jetta. ...haha...

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added to picture archives: chinese hostage negotiations - rack em - aerobics class - deer vs plane

Either Kids Or Teachers Are Stupid.

"It should be your care, therefore, and mine, to elevate the minds of our children and exalt their courage; to accelerate and animate their industry and activity; to excite in them an habitual contempt of meanness, abhorrence of injustice and inhumanity, and an ambition to excel in every capacity, faculty, and virtue. If we suffer their minds to grovel and creep in infancy, they will grovel all their lives." -John Adams

I was in Mr Magnus' seventh grade accounting class and it was the final week of school. Myself and twenty or so other students sat hushed in his classroom while he administered the final portion of our exam. No papers, no pens, just your fucking noggen. The test was simple. He's fire off a certain amount of money for you, and you had to make change for a dollar in your head. You had five seconds to reply. It went something like this:

Now you might think that's a trivial way to test your students, but let me tell you this. I'll bet you a dime to a bucket of shit most kids can't do it now a days. In fact, I like to test fast food kids every so often and always relish as I watch them squirm and mumble as they try to work some numbers in their head, completely clueless without the aid of the bright cash register display.

The other day I went through a Boston Market drive thru to get some dinner and the total came to $5.55. After watching this pimply faced asshole waste the first minute of my time flirting with his skinny crack-whore coworker, I decided to put this life failure through a silent test. I handed him not $6.00, but $7.00. He took it without flinching, and plugged 7 - 0 - 0 into the cash register and pressed CASH TENDERED. He then put my $5 and two $1 bills away in their respective drawers and and looked up. The change read "$1.45" and he dubiously took the very same $1 bill I had just handed him back out of the drawer, along with the coins (at least he got that right) and pushed it into my hand.

I wish I could tell you this was an isolated incident, but I can't. And these kids stupidity isn't limited to just making change either. Nor is it limited to just high school kids, as it appears to be creeping into college as well. Two weeks ago I was waiting in line to pay for some items at a store and there were three young college age kids behind me, talking about the upcoming election. (Don't worry this isn't a political rant so stay with me here). And one of these fucking tools makes the comment, "Man I know who I'm voting for. Let me tell you I read the inside of a CD jacket that had a bunch of facts on [insert cantidate's name here] and I know what's really going on now..." Are you fucking kidding me? This "adult" is going to be helping to decide our country's future and he's basing his decisions on the inside of a fucking cd cover? Does he really think that after reading one tiny piece of propogands he's got an equal view of both sides? Where the fuck are this kid's parents? Where the fuck are his social studies teachers? Where the fuck are his political science professors? Aren't there any good teachers out there like Mr. Magnus anymore? Or did this kid just eat paint chips as a kid and there's no hope for him?

Why do you have to pass a test to drive a car, and pass an interview to get hired at a job... but you can vote at age 18 because you're supposed to suddenly be mature like a fucking pop-up timer in a turkey? Please, somebody help me out here. These kids are stupid and they're doomed to spend their life in jail. Hey homie a word of advice. If you're gonna throw up the gang signs and try to look tough, don't do it in front of a fritos truck. It kind of steals your thunder.

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