E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S
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|August 30, 2005|
Okay, I'm having some second thoughts about starting the Best Tits contest right now, and before you spit vodka all over your screen, I'll tell you why. And ultimately, don't worry because it'll be you people who decide if the contest kicks off this week or not. Not me.
First, Hurricane Katrina has just kicked the gulf coast's ass. Now some of you might wonder if I've gone soft for my fellow man and want to spare such a fun and terrific boobie fest during their time of mourning. Ha! Not hardly. The truth is, a lot of the chicks who participate in our little contest live in the south. And all things equal, they've got bigger things to worry about right now. Holding off on the contest a bit would give them time to get things back on track, and in my opinion, would result in more entries.
Secondly, believe it or not, managing the contest is a rather involved process and needs some pretty constant attention. And no, I don't mean the attention of you staring at your monitor and beating off, but more of a logistical side. The second week of September I have movers coming to pick up all my shit. The third week of September I'll be getting in some drinking time in with my family before the big move to the other side of the country. And finally, in the third week of September, I'll be actually moving to Florida, and closing on the new house. My point being, I can't say that I'll have the time to manage such a monumental task as a Best Tits Contest. And when I do it, I want to do it right; not piss anyone off because I half assed it.
My suggestion, should the majority of you my faithful readers agree, is to start the contest on October 1st, after I'm settled in and can focus my attention on boobies both large and small.
But as I said, ultimately the choice is yours: so choose wisely my son. In the meantime, remember, there are other boobies to keep yourselves occupied with...
|August 28, 2005|
Been Caught Lookin?
Please help this family rid themselves of the Curse of the Robo Sapien!
If you've got nothing to do this weekend other than draw attention to yourself, you can work up a sweat-by-proxy, you can always watch this guy's deck being built.
Watch part of a Toronto roadway wash away in these pictures sent in to me last week!
|August 27, 2005|
It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's a Commie!
Please do not feed the Indians. It leads them to do silly things and get arrested.
To give you an idea of what our troops have to put up with, here is a first person view of an IED attack on a British convoy in Iraq. Don't worry, everyone made it out with only minor injuries.
|August 25, 2005|
Take Care Of Deez Nuts!
Okay, let's get right down to business, shall we? Great tits, horrible teeth! See, it's important that you take good care of yourself. So remember, don't be like Lance Armstrong. Let this girl Rachel show you how to take good care of your nuts!
How fast can you Catch 33? My record is 28 seconds.
Hey here's a bit of trivia I bet you didn't know. When the shuttle launches, it gets a fighter escort flying top cover. The ultimate in bird's eye view.
This Julie chick is pretty smoking, plus she has great taste in cars. (Check out the posters in the background)
Oh, and as an edition to yesterday's gas price post, here's something else for you to think about while you're shelling out a mortgage payment at the pump!
|August 22, 2005|
I name sitting here completely mind fucked from last nights series finale of "Six Feet Under." Last night I went to bed shortly after it finished, and I just laid there for like two hours, staring at the ceiling and contemplating my own mortality.
|August 21, 2005|
A Stewart Family Shin-Dig.
I was supposed to be in Rochester for today and tomorrow for a once-in-a-lifetime never to be repeated, Stewart clan family gathering. But driving down one day and back another was going to be too hectic, especially on a broken foot, so I'll have to make up for it later in Sept in between moves. But it'll be worth it, I guess it's kind of my final goodbye to this snow barren wilderness.
Well, it just goes to show you, sometimes you pull a difficult mission, and sometimes you get the cushy ones.
|August 20, 2005|
Now That's Some Scary Pussy.
No, I'm serious, that really is some scary pussy.
So anyway, I'm down to less than 30 days to go. But I'm kind of dreading the drive down there.
Click the link near the bottom that says "Close call at McCaren Airport" - Close call? Had that been not been an MD it would have been a disaster. I guess the tail mounted engines do have a benefit.
Happiness is, driving your Porsche at 200 kph on the autobahn. Sadness is, finding a bird headed in the opposite direction.
|August 19, 2005|
One Out Of Thirty Three Ain't Bad.
So last night, and catching up on my TiVo and the doorbell rings. I open the door to find the weathered old battle ax that lives below me at ground floor, standing there with three cigarette butts in her hand.
Now a quick background on this lady and her husband. I put them both about late 50s to early 60s. He's a big stocky guy, well over 6 feet tall, always wears a suit to work, drives his Bonneville around like he is King Shit, and is pretty much an arrogant fuck too good to say 'hello' if he passes you in the hall. Just a few weeks ago when I was still on crutches, I was coming in from walking Ike and trying to hold myself up, hold onto my dog, and get the key in the door, all at the same time. I see this asshole coming towards the door from the other side, but do you think he does me a fucking favor and opens the fucking door for me? No, the blowhard prick takes one look at me and just keeps walking.
She on the other hand has brown leathery skin like an old shoe, baked stiff from spending too many hours in the sun; dyes her hair dark brown to hide the inevitable onslaught of gray; her chubby little thighs are speckled with a roadmap of varicose veins which she proudly displays in tight shorts; and tops it all off with a face that looks like it's been dribbled through mine field. I have never seen any family visit them, presumably because her womb is as barren as her face. The only thing they do have are flowers. Lots and lots of flowers. Flowers in flower boxes, flowers in hanging pots, flowers in big planters, flowers in the ground, in pretty much anywhere else you can get life to cling to. You can't walk around the building without having to step over one of their fucking flower pots.
Now let's get back to the butts. Oh, and I just want to go on record as saying that holding a complete stranger's cigarette butt in your bare hand? Is just fucking disgusting. Period. Anyway, "Are these yours?" she inquires. "No," I say, "I don't smoke." "Well, I found these on the ground outside of our balcony. And I know that you are moving some things out today." "That's nice, but as you can see, I'm still living here, I haven't moved out, and the only thing I had done was a new floor installed today. And again, I don't smoke." "Well, did your floor guy smoke?" "Well, I don't know I didn't ask him." "It's just that this place is turning into a zoo lately. There are cigarette butts on the ground, my rosebush has been smashed today, there's stuff in the hallway... Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah"
I tried to remain calm and explain to this old battle ax that I was not the cause of her woes. In fact, while moving things earlier in the week, I had taken two of her planters and move them out of the way so that they wouldn't get knocked over. What does she bitch about then? The fact that I didn't move the planters back. "Okay, fine lady, you got me. I moved your planters, and I didn't move them back. My fault."
Does that get me off the hook? No! This hag went on and on for about 10 minutes bitching and moaning about everything. Her plants, the noise, her plants, the cigarette butts, her plants, the dust, the weather, her taxes, gas prices, bad television, potholes, you fucking name it. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
I think she would still be bitching, if I hadn't have just said, "my foot hurts," and shut the door. Shit, by that point I didn't feel bad about dropping my refrigerator on her rose garden anymore. Bitch.
playboy presents: the girls of mcdonald's. supersize me baby!
another guess the movie quiz, only this one is considerably harder
the sleeping monkey presents the teen trixie (boobies!)
|August 18, 2005|
Holy Shit I Have a Floor Again.
Well, those guys in Iraq sure do take their volleyball pretty fucking seriously. I mean, if you take their volleyball, there's no telling what they will do.
Hey, who knew I was a tailor on my spare time?
And for those you who hate flash files yet are still a fan of Old School, here is the guy singing, "Total Eclipse of the Heart" Ernie,
Love your site man. Got turned on to it by a fellow soldier here in Iraq. I sent some pics of our airplane that got hit by insurgent fire with 7.62 X 39 MM Armor Piercing (AP) rounds. One of the rounds came through the side of the plane, through the bottom of the blue cooler pictured, and was stopped by the can of Red Bull. Interestingly, this was the only round we recovered that was fragmented. The copper alloy jacketing seperated from the hardened steel core, bounced off the interior ceiling, and was found on the cabin floor. The core continued into the cooler and the Red Bull and was only found after the mission was completed and we were cleaning up, (no new underwear).
Keep up the great job,
in .wmv form. That's right, he took another fucking piece of your heart!
A fan in Iraq...
Like any red-blooded, masculine man of the male gender, I love PVC weaponry!
what's that you say, you like a corsets? then this gallery is for you!
|August 17, 2005|
Moving Day Part One.
My condo has become a hazard zone. Refrigerators out. Couches out. Stoves in. New floor in. Boxes piled high. This has become the pain in the ass that I hoped it wouldn't be. Somebody, please kill me. Or at the very least, come take this coffee table I don't want any more.
But don't worry, I'm being a good host and buying beer for everyone who helps me. Everyone.
there's always time for the girls of the summer. boobies!
|August 16, 2005|
I'm All Shook Up, Uh-huh-huh.
Before I forget, Elvis died 28 years ago today. Hail to The King, baby.
Dear Fast Food Companies Of The World, don't take this the wrong way, but your straw's suck. Seriously. Well one of you please make a fucking straw that won't crack when I'd bang it on my arm rest to peel the wrapper off. Because of the last 8,364 times I've gone through a god damned drive-thru, I tap your fucking straw on something and end up splitting the straw down the fucking middle. Now, you know what that means. That means halfway through my drink I'm going to be sucking on a mixture of half Coke and half air. All because you are trying to save a few hundredths of a cent by making these fucking straw is so god damn thin. Please do me this favor, jack up the price of my fucking cheeseburger by two cents and give me a fucking straw worthy of American fastfood. Thank you.
Well, at least footall season has started again. It's tough to find motivation without it after having my heart broken by so many WWE babes.
First thing I'm going to do when I get to Florida? Go muff diving (FIXED!). Well, that and get in a a lot of golf.
Oh, and here are the answers to the movie quiz!
|August 15, 2005|
Sometimes Free Speech Is Knowing When To Shut The Fuck Up
So this woman camping out side of GWB's ranch down in Texas is fucking killing me. Yes, I understand she lost her son. Yes, I understand she's grieving, but just what the fuck does she hope to accomplish with this little escapade? Because so far, I think the only thing she's accomplished, besides pissing off people who have nothing to do with the war, is cheapen her son's death by refusing to accept the fact that it was his decision to join the military. And sometimes people in the military get killed, and it sucks, and it's sad, but that's just the nature of the game.
In one of the articles I read that the son, Specialist Casey Sheehan who was killed in April 2005, didn't tell his parents that he was thinking about joining the military. He just came home one day and said, "Say hello to the Army's newest recruit." Now I don't know about you, but before I joined the military, I talked the idea over with everyone and their grandmother. And most people I know from the military did the same thing. Now maybe this kid was just fiercely independent, or maybe he just didn't feel comfortable talking about this with his parents. But either way, I think mom is plenty pissed off that these events unfolded without her having any power over them, so she's looking to take out her frustration on somebody. And I'm sure that's a bitter pill to swallow and I'm sure she feels that she has to do something, but camping out on some guy's fucking lawn isn't the way to do it.
And for those of you keeping score and thinking GWB is simply refusing to meet with his mom, I bet you don't know she already got her wish in June of 2005, three months after her son was killed. I'm sorry lady, but if you've got more to say beyond that first meeting, you should have said it at the ballot box.
Take a second and read this article, and then ask yourself a question. How do you think these two fallen soldiers will be remembered by their comrades? I'll tell you. The fellow Marines of Lance Cpl. Taylor Prazynski will remember him as, "a Marine who lifted them up," and whose father respected his sacrifice. Those soldiers who served with Specialist Sheehan will remember him as a soldier with the crazy fucking mom who shit all over everything they're fighting and dying for.
Grieving mom, or selfish bitch? You make the call.
Army Spc. Casey Sheehan -
Lance Cpl. Taylor B. Prazynski
|August 14, 2005|
Let's Play A Game Called, "Go Fuck Yourself."
So you think your movie kung fu is stronger than my kung fu? Then prove it and beat 47 out of 60.
Anyone for some nice grouper steaks? I'm pretty sure this guy has enough to go around.
Who says being a Star Trek nerd isn't a viable job? I mean, nerds are people too. They have to eat, drink, sleep, and of course use the bathroom just like the rest of us.
Awwww, this poor little girl is all forgotten about, won't you help her?
|August 13, 2005|
The Goddess Bunny Tap Dancer.
No words can describe 'The Goddess Bunny'... only images... and even the images are indescribable. In spite of circumstances which would cause many to seek seclusion, this tenacious character has, for many years, maintained a frightfully loyal following in the decadent underground transvetite scene of Hollywood.
In this remarkable documentary, we will trace the rocky road tread by little Johnnie Baima, stricken with polio at birth, abused as a youth in foster homes, yet defiant enough to transform into campy, wise-cracking Sandie Crisp, a celebrated singer, dancer, actress and model.
After a starring role in a startling cult film, Miss Crisp was playfully dubbed 'The Goddess Bunny' and soon became an object of wild, fetishistic worship by the denizens of west coast counter culture. Hear the Goddess recount her own astounding story, and join her colorful group of friends and fans on a guided tour of bizarre, and unearthly underbelly of wicked, glamourous Tinseltown."
Don't say you haven't been warned. It's a strange clip...
boobies: beautiful buxom blonde barbie bares her beautiful bouncing breasts
|August 12, 2005|
These Fucking Buyers Are Trying My Patience.
A riddle for all of you "high-tech" gurus. If you see "qdjgg sdqklgds fkgmgqb kfjdmqie lgq fsqf mqdsldmfq sfqssfdb vnl klfvnoze " appear on your computer monitor, what is it? Give up? Click here for the answer. And for more technology... I now have a reason to buy an ipod.
I am a SSG serving with the 36th ID in Iraq. The picture is of my daughter who at the time was 1 and half years old. It was taken at our departure ceremony at Baylor Universities football stadium on New Years Day. The background picture is me next to our Humvees here in Iraq. Thanks for all your support.
SSG Dana W.
No Sir, thank you for your sacrifice.
The countdown to Florida has begun! It's like staring at the sun, you just can't stop looking at the boobies.
|August 11, 2005|
Just Another Day Out Of The Office.
Nukes. Who's got em, who only claims to have em, who'll really use em, and how they'd do it.
First of all, I would like to pay my respects to all the American servicemen and women who are in Iraq and risking their lives everyday to uphold the ideas of freedom that we sometimes take for granted here in North America. Thank you all for your service.
Secondly...I love all of your military footage: it is truly awesome, especially the Apache attack and the gunship attack in Afghanistan. Human carnage can be a beautiful thing.
I am in the Canadian Airforce. I am a technician on the F-18 Hornet which is, I might add, another great delivery system of death, destruction, and fuckery to one's enemies. I also did 4 years in the Infantry...Hooyah to all the ground pounders out there.
One more thing...don't hold it against the Canadians that we didn't go to Iraq. We (the soldiers) would gladly have gone to assist our brothers-in-arms. Our government, however, removed that right from us. Hopefully, we will show up in a "sand-filled shithole near you" soon to bring some support!
Your website kicks ass!
Sincerely... Ass-kickin' Canadian Girl
(Who can wield a wrench AND a rifle....Hooooah!!)
And for all you parents who don't understand your kids online speak, here you can try to use this.
|August 10, 2005|
Okay, Take Two. Testes. Testes. Testes.
Okay. So here we go for day number two of the old voice-recognition stuff and so far I can see a pretty marked improvement so I'm not crying in my beer anymore. See the trick was removing that other word in the dictionary so now I can say fucker in peace.
I've begun the task of going through a kitchen to see what's going to come with me to Florida, and what I'm been a toss out. I mean, somethings I just won't need, but other things are damn sure coming with me. I was debating taking my weight bench with me, but eventually decided against it. You know how that goes, too heavy to move and all.
Well, try to be responsible in all of my choices and not do anything stupid, but the day is still young.
Oh, and I've got a follow-up appointment with my orthopedic doctor on Monday, to see whether or not I can take this fucking cast off. And yes, it got toward fucking on the first try, for those of you curious. This might actually turn out to be some pretty cool shipped. Dammit. Shift. Dammit. Shit. There we go! I had to enunciate my t's.
dr. sticky presents a blonde in the shower. clearly, this will involve booby's
|August 9, 2005|
now this is a science experiment!
okay so you may find a few typos in this update it's not my fault honest. You see I'm doing this entire update over voice recognition software and of course the stuff is can take a few days to figure out how the hell I speak. So if you see if you mixups of the word they are or then or pale well then hey you're just going to have to live with it.
hopefully what this will let me do is get back to people over e-mail a little faster, maybe get a little more long-winded in my updates, and of course be able to use both hands while I beat off cybersex in.
the only problem I see or expose potential problem is a better way to say it is that the software brands itself to a particular machine now I have my desktop and my laptop. By their rules I will have to buy two copies of the software and hey at 100 bucks a pop homey don't play that. But hey we'll see how things play out right that's the beauty of capitalism.
one really funny thing though watch what happens when I call somebody a rotten mother factor. No I said mother factor. No I said mother Fokker. There we go! I'd like to thank my cohost Martha Fokker. Yeah baby meet the Fokker's. Wool who summation Mark. Space dammit. God dammit. woo hoo!
|August 8, 2005|
No Turning Back Now, Motherfuckers!
So I sold my condo on Friday. It was on the market for a grand total of 26 minutes. The first buyers came to look at it at 3:40pm, and I was signing the acceptance letter less than a half an hour later for the amount I was looking for. Boom, done. Next step is to get a mortgage squared away for the place in Florida, which I should be moving into around, eh, the third week of Septetmber.
Speaking of Florida, I'll be looking for a chick once I moe down there, so if you know anyone who fits my bill, let me know. Oh, and she has to look good in a bikini. Oh, and be really horny all the time.
Jesus Christ, can anyone believe Dukes of Hazzard was the number one movie for the weekend? What's that say about American cinema?
Okay everybody, be safe out there.
|August 5, 2005|
Ta-Ra-Ra-Boom-De-Day! I Sold My House Today!
Remember, it's important to support our troops, now matter who they are!
|August 4, 2005|
We're Not Fucking Around Anymore.
I was pleased to hear that all the passengers and crew were safely rescued from the Air France crash but not surprised to hear about the crash itself. Let's face it, France hasn't had a good landing since D-Day.
I knw what you're thinking. You're thinking that EHOWA doesn't have enough David Hasslehoff stuff. Well rest your weary head people, because I aim to please.
Hey when you're a redneck and your kids want a swingset, you gotta do what you gotta do. Even if you do look like a complete fucking retard in the process.
It doesn't matter is you're a Republican or a Democrat, or a Red Sox fan or a Yankees fan - just so long as you support your team! Oh, and the Yankees suck.
|August 3, 2005|
So yesterday I took the crashing of a French airliner as a good omen. But while the plane certainly did hit, unfortunately my numbers didn't. Dammit all. French people suck.
Driving with this fucking air cast on can be a challenge. I can hit the gas no problem, but fuck, finding the brake pedal is a little tough.
Ernie, This is what a lady in the Atlanta airport told me when I was on my way back to Iraq from leave. She said, "Don't go back Bush has blood on his hands." So I asked her where she was going and she said, "I'm going on my dream vacation to the Islands." She said she wanted palm trees, lots of sand, lots of sun and something cold to drink. I said to her that I would make a great tribute to her when I got back to Iraq. I would be extreamly grateful as both a Law Enforcement Officer and Army National Guardsman, and I know others would enjoy it as well, if you placed it at or near the top of your site in the next update. Thanks, Dave F.
You got it Dave. So here you go, Selfish Cunt from Atlanta Who Is Now On Vacation, this video is for you!
Oh yeah, and French people suck.
i'm sorry, did someone say tiffany teen? 187 pages with 3727 pics. have fun!
|August 1, 2005|
You're In The Shit Now.
Anti-water protesters beware: While you have the right to picket and speak out against the war, don't be surprised when soldiers take offense and protest against you. Ha-ha! Die hippie scum!
I didn't know Canadian girls from Newfoundland took their annual Salmon Festival so seriously. I got dibs on the brunette with the delicious looking nipples.
Hmmm, I got a package delivered from UPS today and for some reason, what was inside was a little damaged. It's guess it's just tough to find good help nowadays. I mean hell, even Jesus had to take a second job to make ends meet.
Paul pointed this out to me -- the link I features yesterday had this picture in its archives -- who's on the tv in the background? Why it's Johnny Damon, baby! Go Red Sox!