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January 31 2006

What The Fuck Is That Big Zit On His Head All About?

Sorry no update yesterday kids I found this new bar and just couldn't tear myself away for some reason. Don't worry I caught a cab home. We did have to take a detour though because one of the roads was closed after some motorcycle guy took a spill after crashing into some old geezer on a suped up Rascal.

Ladies and Gentlemen this is NOT Gwen Stephani topless.

And here's my baby! It's fellow Bostonian Eliza Dushku opening her shirt and showing off her beautiful Boston Pride. Go Sox! And fuck you Damon.

Find out which of your neighbors donated to which political campaign. You can even find street addresses... kinda spooky actually.

because sometimes even heroes ride the short bus

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January 29 2006

I'll Take Two Gallons Of Propwash Please.

Two days before Christmas my fucking refridgerator died. So I bought a new one and the old one has been sitting in the garage for three weeks because carting it away was going to cost me $50... fuck that. So to get rid of it I put it in my front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home You want it you take it". For the past four days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. I eventually decided that people were too skeptical of this deal looking to good to be true. So I changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". Today someone stole it.

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January 28 2006

Well At Least They're Killing Each Other Now.

So long Challenger we hardly knew ye.

Man I can only hope that my truck will be this tough. Your Ford weeps.

You want to know how unfair life is? I'll tell you how unfair life is. They're going to make a Candyman 4 and a Garfield 2 but the next edition of Evil Dead won't have Bruce Fucking Campbell. That's how fucking unfair life is.

Remember earlier this month when that guy got sucked into a jet engine in El Paso? Well parts is parts.

Attention Hooters Managers: please be sure to keep up on the maintenance of your restaurant less an unfortunate burned out bulb do your advertising for you.

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January 27 2006

A Chocolate City.

The Battle For N'Awlins. Sounds like that Ned guy.

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January 26 2006

Yep We Gots Everything You Be Needin.

First off a word of wisdom to all the retarded chicks out there. While hubby is away serving in the military thou shall be a good little girl and not fool around.

I mean what color is the sun in her world anyway? The greedy bitch. Was she really so dumb that she through she was going to get away with it?

Anyway moving on to more lighthearted things I found a web page by accident and realized (after it fully loaded) that someone had just way the hell too much time on their hands. It's Pi calculated to 1 million decimal places. Now this is just my guess but I bet he went through a lot of soda and a lot of cigarettes while doing that math eh?

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January 25 2006

OK Time To Vote.

I know I'm late with this and I really am sorry. You people have wanted this for a long time so take one last look at the Best Tits Contestants and then vote! A few of the subcategories had to change because there wasn't enough entries for some (example: Best Costume) but I'm sure you'll make do.

My question is about LBEH and a last-minute ticket that I suspect you helped on. A Marine MP in Quantico needing a ticket to Dallas named L/Cpl Joshua L[astname]? Ring any bells? He was all excited "They're calling! Ernie Dad... your Ernie...from the House of Whoopass!" I don't know how you came to be "My Ernie" but I really really appreciate your helping so many. The Corps broke his neck in a Humvee crash but he's returned to duty with a fusion and works in his unit's armory. See the photo for me and my hero. Our caption on that one is "gotta keep a strong pimp-hand."

All my best James L[astname]

www.helpinghandsmonkeys.org

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January 24 2006

Someone's Rockin My Dreamboat.

For as long as I can remember the on going battle between American and Japanese automakers has centered not around price but on quality. The Japanese have it and we don't. Countless times I've been forced to sit and listen as some Toyota automaker brags about how his car made it to 200000 miles without a tuneup while some poor Ford driver is waiting for a ride to the mechanic to go pick up his car. Granted there are always exception - my own gas guzzler is at 191000 miles and still running strong -- I think it's generally a true stereotype. So this past week Ford announces that due to decreasing demand they are forced to shut down some plants to shave off some inventory and expenses. Okay fair enough I suppose drastic times call for drastic meas

And herein lies the difference between us and our Bonzai shouting friends - how they continue to score more points than us. Where as they would most likely shut down whatever plant was producing the lowest quality vehicles (measured in number of defects) we're shutting down the plants that cost the most to run regardless of the quality of their product. Case in point? One of the plants Ford is shutting down is the Atlanta assembly plant -- their NUMBER ONE plant for quality. That means if you bought a Ford over the past few years and haven't had any problems with it it was probably built there. And the plant they have in Asshole Arkansas that produces the greatest number of lemons? Still going strong since they're cheaper to operate. Once again Ford is fixating on near sighted gains to make the biggest impact on their bottom line while Asian automakers continue to outpace by thinking long term. I bet Henry is rolling over in his grave right about now.

Hahahaha fat boy!

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January 23 2006

The REAL Iron Mike.

Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant in the picture is Michael Burghard part of the Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) Team that is supporting 2nd Brigade 28th Infantry Division (Pennsylvania Army National Guard).

Leading the fight is Gunnery Sgt Michael Burghardt known as "Iron Mike" or just "Gunny". He is on his third tour in Iraq. He had become a legend in the bomb disposal world after winning the Bronze Star for disabling 64 IEDs and destroying 1548 pieces of ordnance during his second tour. Then on September 19 he got blown up. He had arrived at a chaotic scene after a bomb had killed four US soldiers. He chose not to wear the bulky bomb protection suit. "You can't react to any sniper fire and you get tunnel-vision" he explains. So protected by just a helmet and standard-issue flak jacket he began what bomb disposal officers term "the longest walk" stepping gingerly into a 5ft deep and 8ft wide crater. The earth shifted slightly and he saw a Senao base station with a wire leading from it. He cut the wire and used his 7in knife to probe the ground. "I found a piece of red detonating cord between my legs" he says. "That's when I knew I was screwed."

Realizing he had been sucked into a trap Sgt Burghardt 35 yelled at everyone to stay back. At that moment an insurgent probably watching through binoculars pressed a button on his mobile phone to detonate the secondary device below the sergeant's feet. "A chill went up the back of my neck and then the bomb exploded" he recalls. "As I was in the air I remember thinking 'I don't believe they got me.' I was just ticked off they were able to do it. Then I was lying on the road not able to feel anything from the waist down."

His colleagues cut off his trousers to see how badly he was hurt. None could believe his legs were still there. "My dad's a Vietnam vet who's paralyzed from the waist down" says Sgt Burghardt. "I was lying there thinking I didn't want to be in a wheelchair next to my dad and for him to see me like that. They started to cut away my pants and I felt a real sharp pain and blood trickling down. Then I wiggled my toes and I thought 'Good I'm in business.' As a stretcher was brought over adrenaline and anger kicked in. "I decided to walk to the helicopter. I wasn't going to let my team-mates see me being carried away on a stretcher." He stood and gave the insurgents who had blown him up a one-fingered salute. "I flipped them one. It was like 'OK I lost that round but I'll be back next week'."

Copies of a photograph depicting his defiance taken by Jeff Bundy for the Omaha World-Herald adorn the walls of homes across America and that of Col John Gronski the brigade commander in Ramadi who has hailed the image as an exemplar of the warrior spirit. Sgt Burghardt's injuries - burns and wounds to his legs and buttocks - kept him off duty for nearly a month and could have earned him a ticket home. But like his father - who was awarded a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts for being wounded in action in Vietnam - he stayed in Ramadi to engage in the battle against insurgents who are forever coming up with more ingenious ways of killing Americans.


January 22 2006

Well This Is Pretty Twisted.

Pretty cool idea. This guy started out with one red paperclip and has successfully traded it up to a 16' box van. Check it out. And if he ever gets his crib then I've got a whole fucking box of paperclips ready to go.

And now a not so cool idea. If some asshole buys this fucking accordian for $1.8 million fucking dollars I'm simply going to be sick.

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one extremely super duper really extra popular girl


January 21 2006

Respect Your Elders Dammit.

Well I have some good news some more good news and yet even some more good news. The good news is the Army has finally redesigned their Vietnam era M-60 machine gun. The even better news is I got 24 of these after about fifteen minutes.

And well just remember they said it I didn't.

From "Andrew Biggart"
Subject Another Bronson shout out

Whats up Ernie

I had Bronson Arroyo at my bar this past Tuesday doing a show in Gainesville Florida and he wanted to say what’s up to you. Hope you get a kick out of this and if you’re ever up here near UF let me know!

All my best
Andy

Yeah Andy is kind of my hero. Well him and Bronson of course. But you Johnny Damon? You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.

Here are three great fucking places to go skiing. First in Dubai in the United Arab Emirates yes that's right I said in the middle of the desert. And if you like lots of fresh powder then the former Czech Republic might be better for you. Or of course there's always Brazil.

as a guy who worked for mcdonalds for 3 years i'm ashamed at how poorly i did in this


January 20 2006

Iraq Loves Chuck Norris Too.

Hey Ernie

My name is SGT Max T. I am currently deployed to Iraq with the Pennsylvania National Guard. We love your website it is funny as hell. We view it everyday to see the new stuff that is posted. The Chuck Norris facts are fucking hilarious! We quote them on almost a daily basis. Keep up the good work. I decided to come up with some of my own 'facts' and send them in to see if they get posted. Please use any or all of them. Here they are:

Chuck Norris doesn't get invited to participate in orgies orgies get invited to participate with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was talking in full sentences walking and running and fully potty-trained at the incredibly young age of six months. He learned all of these feats approximately six months after mastering 'the roundhouse kick.'

In 1954 the Japanese government decided to pay tribute to Chuck Norris and made a biographical film about his life. They titled it "Godzilla".

Due to political correctness U.S. currency will now read "In Chuck Norris We Trust."

At a press conference a reporter asked Chuck Norris if he spoke any foreign languages. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the reporter in the face killing him instantly. He then turned to the audience and said "I speak two languages English and Roundhouse-Kick-to-the-Face."

Ares the Greek God of war and Athena the Greek Goddess of war produced a son together. They called him "Chuck Norris the Greek God of Roundhouse Kick".

Chuck Norris was sick only once. They called that era "The Cold War."

The average man can use a razor 7-10 times to shave his face. Chuck Norris uses 7-10 razors to shave around his beard.

Chuck Norris once slept with an under aged 15 year old girl. He was three at the time.

In the event of an emergency Chuck Norris can inflate his lungs and his chest can be used as a flotation device.

Chuck Norris doesn't go to the bar to pick up women. He goes to the bar to pick out women.

Chuck Norris is not racist. He hates all races ethnicities and nationalities the same. Except for the French. He hates them more.

Thanks man. Take care.
Max

No no thank you Max. Be safe and May the Chuck Be With You.

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January 19 2006

Yeah Fuck You Too.

Okay so it was a Jeep Wrangler and not a Toyota FJ40. Hey it's not the first time I've been wrong. No seriously.

Anyone want to take a nice leisurely drive with me? No? Anybody?

Ah the circle of life: old people die as babies are born. Just so long as I don't die in a fire I'm happy.

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January 18 2006

No I Can't Drive Fifty Five!

Go on & write me up for 125!

Post my face wanted dead or alive!

Take my license n' all that jive

But I can't drive...55!

it's martin luther king day charlie brown

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January 17 2006

Gotta Keep Up Appearances Ya Know!

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you the official 2006 EHOWA screen saver!

I stayed in New Orleans for Katrina and all I got was...

I was going to take up a career as a court reporter but somehow decided against it at the last minute.

You know I can't see myself stop preaching hot hot Israeli Army chicks are. Seriously. But we also have some hot chicks here in the US too... especially in the midwestern states! Everybody knows I love MMW but who knew she loved me back! You can check out more of Melissa Midwest here!


January 16 2006

So A Funny Thing Happened This Weekend...

I went to go and look at that Dodge Challenger I told you about last week and was a little disappointed to find the body was a little more beat up than I had expected. There were a couple of big cracks both bumpers would need to be rechromed you could see the car's previous color (purple) around the side view mirror on the passenger door that sort of stuff. With Dodge bringing back the Charger and Challenger models this year demand for the old E-body cars (Challenger & Barracuda) has increased accordingly and the prices have just gone through the fucking roof. And if I were to consider a convertible to enjoy some of this newfound sunshine? Well just look for youself. And that one ofr $11000 -- yeah that's also beat to shit and without a fucking engine. So wi

But while I was there I noticed this guy had another car covered up in his garage. I asked what it was and when he told me it was a 1963 Nova SS Convertible I was like "Eh Chevy... white trash shit wagons." But just for grins we pulled the cover off and I will admit I was pretty surprised at what I saw. It's doesn't exactly have muscle car looks by any means but the original slant 6 has been replaced by a 290hp Crate 350cu V-8 gasguzzler so it's got some get up and go. It's old school yet mechanically sound -- no power steering power brakes or fucking seat belts for me baby! I verified it's VIN and cowl tags and oddly enough 1963 was the last year of the convertible and the first year for the SS option thus making it kind of rare so it will be the But if I had to guess this isn't going to be a long term investment for me -- I can't see this car becoming a family heirloom or anything. But it will give me the opportunity to cut my teeth on learning how to do some mechanical work (No not Almish mechanic). Now I will tell you I feel bad for switching teams here but being able to buy a convertible car in better shape for less money than the Challenger was just a little too good to pass up. So I had to swallow my pride and here we are. It needs a a few personal touches to make it mine but all in all it's just a classic old car that will provide some And if you love Kate Beckinsale or 2003's vampire flick Underworld then you'll be happy to know the sequel is less than a month away from being released. Perhaps Kate will dig my new car eh?

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January 14 2006

Plan B.

Sorry my sweet bitches I've been busy.


January 12 2006

Can You Smell Me Now?

Well wish me luck kids!

Hey just a quick shout out to all my former co-workers back in Wakefield (yeah this means you Sampson). As you approach the weekend just remember this is where you are. And this is where I am. Any questions?

And not to look like a dick or anything but I think it's time I start looking for a bigger hard drive.

December 9 2005(CNN) While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when sniping members of Al Quaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied "Recoil."

The last man on earth is sitting in a bar drinking. He holds up the empty glass and says: "Drink I think we need another bartender."

man if hummer made ads like this we'd all be driving one


January 11 2006

Uh Yeah We're Gonna Need A Stool Sample?

Because you Congressman Moran just got punked. So you better watch your ass Congressman because I predict a devastating roundhouse kick in your immediate future.

Some misadventues in really bad pornography -- eh maybe not safe for work but not a big deal. You pussy.

Ever have a midget come up to you and tell you your hair smells good? Thats right I said "hair" ladies and gentlemen! Hair! Hello is this thing on?

stressed out? relax! put your feet up! take a dep breaty! and kill some people!


January 10 2006

Now This Is The Girl For Me.

I warned you man don't fuck with Chuck!

Now see people made fun of me when I tried to convince you of the glory of she that is Lindsay Lohan. Yes made fun you did. But did you know Lindsay holds the power to shut down the internet with just a look? Nooo you did not!

Okay I'm going to go on the wagon for awhile since I just noticed all my pants have gotten a little snug recently.


January 9 2006

A Hankerin For A Hunka Cheese.

While I've always wanted one with the New England winters an old muscle car never seemed very practical. But now that I'm down here where the sun does shine and we dont get -10 degree winters I've found myself itching to buy a new car since I really don't need AWD any more. Well not so much a "new car" as an old car... I want some nice Mopar muscle! I know I know a lot of you are probably Chevy & Ford heads but they're just not my bag. Plus I'm looking for something a little less mainstream so that kind of rules out the Camaro & Mustang crowd. Ideally I'd love a nice Challenger or Cuda but since I don't have $83 trillion fucking dollars in my pocket I'm finding myself in somewhat of a pickle. I simply don't have the mechanical skills to buy a car that needs major restoration work nor do I have the funds to buy a showcar... so I'm trying to I looked into a 1970 Dodge Challenger before Christmas but when the guy sent me a paypal request for $3000 before the auction even fucking ended I realized that like many people on eBay he was just trying to fuck me. His account has since been deleted and the auction halted -- fuck you Larry Smith.

Perhaps the most promising prospect is this 1969 Plymouth GTX coming in to a local dealer near me sometime this week. I like the looks of the car which is pretty much a Road Runner only not quite as expensive I know how much he paid for it so I'd klnow what's a fair price plus it doesn't require any restoration work since I'm an idiot.

Then departing from Mopar for a bit but still not mainstream this 1971 Buick GS convertible is pretty fucking cool too. I talked to the guy and know what he wants for it and I think it's a pretty fair price. The drop top would be a shit load of fun in the warm Florida sunshine plus that big fucking 455 cubic inch engine makes 520 ft/lb of torque. w00t!

All in all I'm still in the watch-and-wait mode since there are so many choices out there and I kind of feel like a small fish swimming among sharks. But hey there's always other stuff on ebay I can spend my money on right?

Ok and I am SOOOOOO fucking happy that Eli Manning got fucking drilled yesterday the selfish little fuck. He won't get to vote on the Best Tits contest when we start voting on Wednesday/Thursday.


January 8 2006

Say What You Want I Still Fear Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw Chuck Norris spent the rest of his what was supposed to be a relaxing day punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first last and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The sun doesn't actually rise or set. Chuck Norris simply claps twice.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time but he died because of his weak spot the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. You do the math.

Chuck Norris cloned himself just to see if he could kick his own ass. The result was the second ice age.

Rather than "good intentions" Chuck Norris paved the road to Hell with the mangled corpses of the Viet Cong.

viagre soap pump - evil porcelain rabbit - shirt filled with boobies


January 7 2006

I See Jordan's ( @ ) ( @ ).

Katie Price (aka Jordan) showing her sexy curves in public... she´s an exihibitionist... yummy!


January 5 2006

Oh This Can't End Well.

Thanks you for flying Crazy Fucking Canadian Airlines and we hope you being with us today. Our Captain has indicated we'll be coming in for a landing momentarily so please return your trays and seats to the upright position. Thank you!

I bet you didn't know that Jesus H Tap Dancing Christ was a guitar player eh?

And just so you know right now there are people viewing the various pages of EHOWA. w00t!


January 4 2006

Yeah You Park That Thing Right There.

So the State of Florida has granted me permission to carry a concealed weapon! Now given this is the first handgun I've ever owned I'm sure as hell not going to go packing heat while I'm a on an afternoon burger run. But for things like a hurricane evacuation or if I'm carrying a large wad of cash (ha fat chance!)... you know what that means don't you? Yep right in the doodles.

Hey guys don't say I never did anything for you.

national chili cookoff in terlingua texas (boobies!)

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January 3 2006

Now That's Just Mean.

Ever wonder what it'd be like to win the lottery? The poor kid he was crushed.

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January 2 2006

I See Right Through Your Little Ruse.

That's right folks. It's a new year. And you know what that means? New years resolutions! Mine is to buy a home gym and get back into shape. What's yours?

beachballs - packingbox - porchfishing - tasteslikechicken

fuck you johnny damon! you go to hell! you go to hell and you die!


January 1 2006

Wow What A Party.

Happy 2006 everybody! My head hurts.


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