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April 30 2006

I Asked You Answered.

Last week I asked why Iran was talking so much smack to the United States when it's pretty much a given they wouldn't stand a fucking chance in an armed confrontation with us. Behold for I have been enlightened...

In answer to your question as to why Iran is begging for a fight so much the answer is fairly simple really; they need an outside attacker. Right now the mullahs are looking at a growing group of disaffected youth who are sneaking around to violate Islamic Law. These young folks are commiting such nefarious acts as going to rock concerts hidden away in basements and reading non approved materials. So the ruling elite of this perverse semi-islamic society need a convienient way to galvanize popular opinion within their country and focus national attention on some one else as well as kill off that generation which is set to rebel and over throw them in the next decade or so. What better way to accomplish this than to start a war with America or Israel. So there ya have it simple brutal and effective. (Name and address withheld so I don't have to live in a bunker like Rushdie; cause these friggin people are nuts who kill you for telling the truth.)

You know as fucked as that is you have to admit it's a pretty effective plan. Completely fucked unspeakably sinister grossly subhuman... but effective. Scary isn't it?

think you're a good driver? think again!

ooooooooooo! somebody is in trouble! where were YOU on 4/20? hmmm?

boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies!

April 29 2006

One Second in the Life of a Racer.

By Tom Frey

The Unlimiteds go flashing through the racecourse engines howling air shearing heat waves streaming. Four hundred eighty miles an hour is 8 miles a minute and the elite racers take about 70 seconds to cover the 9.1 mile Reno course. If you could take a souped P-51 racer flying the circuit at Reno slow time down and examine just one second what would you find?

In that one second the V-12 Rolls-Royce Merlin engine would have gone through 60 revolutions with each of the 48 valves slamming open and closed 30 times. The twenty four spark plugs have fired 720 times. Each piston has traveled a total of 60 feet in linear distance at an average speed of 41 miles per hour with the direction of movement reversing 180o after every 6 inches. Three hundred and sixty power pulses have been transmitted to the crankshaft making 360 sonic booms as the exhaust gas is expelled from the cylinder with velocity exceeding the speed of sound. The water pump impeller has spun 90 revolutions sending 4 gallons of coolant surging through the engine and radiators. The oil pumps have forced 47 fluid ounces roughly one-third gallon of oil through the engine oil cooler and oil tank scavenging heat and lubricating the flailing machinery.

The supercharger rotor has completed 348 revolutions it's rim spinning at Mach 1 forcing 4.2 pounds or 55 ft3 of ambient air into the combustion chambers under 3 atmospheres of boost pressure. Around 9 fluid ounces of high octane aviation fuel 7843 BTU's worth of energy has been injected into the carburetor along with 5.3 fluid ounces of methanol/water anti-detonant injection fluid. Perhaps 1/8 fluid ounce of engine oil has been either combusted or blown overboard via the crankcase breather tube. Over 1.65 million foot pounds of work have been done the equivalent of lifting a station wagon to the top of the Statue of Liberty.

In that one second the hard-running Merlin has turned the propeller through 25 complete revolutions with each of the blade tips having arced through a distance of 884 feet at a rotational velocity of 0.8 Mach. Fifteen fluid ounces of spray bar water has been atomized and spread across the face of the radiator to accelerate the transfer of waste heat from the cooling system to the atmosphere.

In that one second the aircraft itself has traveled 704 feet close to 1/8 mile or roughly 1.5% of a single lap. The pilot's heart has taken 1.5 beats pumping 5.4 fluid ounces of blood through his body at a peak pressure of 4.7 inches of mercury over ambient pressure. Our pilot happened to inspire during our measured second inhaling approximately 30 cubic inches (0.5 liter) of oxygen from the on-board system and 2.4 million yes million new red blood cells have been formed in the pilot's bone marrow.

In just one second an amazing sequence of events have taken place beneath those polished cowlings and visored helmets. It's the world's fastest motorsport. Don't blink!

April 28 2006

We're Approaching A Milestone Here.

Now you too can sit in your cubicle and watch baby Bald Eagles hatch. Live cam pretty fucking cool. Takes a minute or so to connect so be patient and sheyat. I sure hope the bird flu never makes it up to them since it seems to have made it to Florida.

Ladies. Please take a note. Some girls are made to dance while others just can't no matter ho whard they try. To avoid embarassment please know which of the two you are. Thank you for your cooperation.

A lot of people shit on MySpace as being the new AOL. But have you seen the Girls of MySpace pictorial that Playboy is doing? Why can't one of these bitches IM me?

top 5 creative uses for your ipod - personally #5 is my favorite

April 27 2006

Their Hypocrisy Knows No Bounds.

Mexico’s Immigration Law: Let’s Try it Here at Home - By J. Michael Waller

Mexico has a radical idea for a rational immigration policy that most Americans would love. However Mexican officials haven’t been sharing that idea with us as they press for our Congress to adopt the McCain-Kennedy immigration reform bill. That’s too bad because Mexico which annually deports more illegal aliens than the United States does has much to teach us about how it handles the immigration issue. Under Mexican law it is a felony to be an illegal alien in Mexico. At a time when the Supreme Court and many politicians seek to bring American law in line with foreign legal norms it’s noteworthy that nobody has argued that the US look at how Mexico deals with immigration and what it might teach us about how best to solve our illegal immigration problem. To prevent tourists from taking advantage of their immigration system Mexico has a single streamlined law that ensures that foreign visitors and immigrants are:

• in the country legally;
• have the means to sustain themselves economically;
• not destined to be burdens on society;
• of economic and social benefit to society;
• of good character and have no criminal records; and
• contributors to the general well-being of the nation.

The law also ensures that:

• immigration authorities have a record of each foreign visitor;
• foreign visitors do not violate their visa status;
• foreign visitors are banned from interfering in the country’s internal politics;
• foreign visitors who enter under false pretenses are imprisoned or deported;
• foreign visitors violating the terms of their entry are imprisoned or deported;
• those who aid in illegal immigration will be sent to prison.

Who could disagree with such a law? It makes perfect sense. The Mexican constitution strictly defines the rights of citizens – and the denial of many fundamental rights to non-citizens illegal and illegal. Under the constitution the Ley General de Población or General Law on Population spells out specifically the country’s immigration policy. It is an interesting law – and one that should cause us all to ask Why is our great southern neighbor pushing us to water down our own immigration laws and policies when its own immigration restrictions are the toughest on the continent? If a felony is a crime punishable by more than one year in prison then Mexican law makes it a felony to be an illegal alien in Mexico.

Yet if the United States adopted such statutes Mexico no doubt would denounce it as a manifestation of American racism and bigotry.

Will we ever adopt immigration laws similar to those of Mexico? Yeah when pigs fly.

an exclusive interview with sean preston spears

join your felow ehowa readers and see who can fertilize this egg

April 26 2006

Let Me See Your War Face!

Private Joker: I wanna slip my tube steak into your sister. What'll you take in trade?
Private Cowboy: What do you got?

Okay can anyone tell me why Iran is talking so much smack? "The Americans should know that if they assault Iran their interests will be harmed anywhere in the world that is possible" he was quoted as saying by a state television announcer. "The Iranian nation will respond to any blow with double the intensity" the leader added. What are you fucking kidding me? Just what the fuck are they going to do to us? They have absolutely zero power to project force on a global scale other than the occasional whackjob who wants to strap dynamite to himself and strolls into an Israeli restaurant. I mean fuck I don't go walking up to a 7'2" judo champion and say "Hey motherfucker if you hit me I'm going to kick your ass double!" What gives?

See I told you Cindy Sheehan's crazy fucking antics would make the world remember her son as being the brunt of many jokes and not as an American soldier who gave his life for his country. And it's starting...

boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies! boobies!

quit crying about gas prices - find the cheapest gas near you right here

April 25 2006

Back To The Basics.

When I was in junior high all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

In high school I dated a girl with big tits but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college I dated a passionate girl but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

nuclear nightmares: twenty years since chernobyl (there's a good mulligan pic too)

April 24 2006

Let's Put This To Rest Shall We?

Okay another rant about something that's been irking me for a few years: 9/11 conspiracy theories. Those assholes that believe no the acts of September 11th were not the result of terrorists but were the result of some super secret government plot to erode our civil liberties and justify the bombing of a select group of oil rich countries. There have been many scientific approaches to both prove and disprove these theories even the fucking French have joined the fray. Now this site isn't alone there's a shit load of them out there. The former of the two sides has been put into a nice flash file which you can view here. Go ahead I'll wait...

Ernie A link to a site showing a PPT slide show supposedly showing how the Pentagon was hit by a missile or a fighter jet on 9/11 instead of a hijacked 757. I'm not sure if this should piss me off or make me laugh at the fools who put it up. Spin Baby Spin! Spin a story well enough and people will believe anyhthing. No wonder the world is all fucked up. - Bill [link]

And on the flip side we have just as many people offering scientific proof that a Boeing 757 did in fact crash into the Pentagon...

But no matter how convincing one side can be there is still one irrefutable truth to both side -- they're both theorized by armchair quarterbacks who still eat cereal in their mother's basement. Sure maybe one of them took a few classes at an aeronautical school. Maybe one of their cousin's former roommate's nephews son's priest's babysitter did in fact see (not see) a jetliner scream down Washington DC streets. Whatever.

And so it is here today that I Ernie Lord of the Internet shall put all 9/11 conspiracies to bed. I will give you irrefutable proof that 9/11 was in fact NOT a government conspiracy; and certainly not one orchestrated by GWB. Even the most skeptical of conspiracy theorists will shake their heads as they know they can not challenge my rock solid argument. I will do all of this with two simple words. Are you ready? Are you ready for my foundation shaking proof? Here it is.

Monica. Lewinsky.

Yep you heard me correctly I said Monica fucking Lewinsky.

So you might ask just how does this golden cocksucker have anything to do with this nation's largest tragedy of modern times? I'll explain you poor simpleton. First let us compare the two presidents who were in office for each of these events: William J. Clinton and George W. Bush. The former is one smooooooth fucking operator. Love him or hate him you have to admit Clinton was smooth. That motherfucker could sell ice to eskimos. He stood before the entire country and convinced us that without a doubt he did not have sexual relations with that woman. And fucking-a I sure believed him. Shit we all did! Clinton was extremely intelligent he was powerful the economy was booming and above all else he was smooooooth. And even the leftest of the left and the rightest of the right will agree that Clinton outclasses GWB in pretty much all of these departments. Think about it they call GWB "Dubya" and Clinton "Slick Willie" - you do the math.

And if that poor motherfucker couldn't get away with getting a simple blowjob from a fat chick without the entire country finding out about it then there's no fucking way in hell that GWB could pull off the biggest mass murder in American history. Period.

So please lose the grassy knoll shit. Stop taking x-rays of jet engines. And someone tell Charlie Sheen to stop pretending to be someone else and get back to doing what he does best - not fucking Denise Richards. Because despite all the fluff than anyone can heap on it all breaks down to if Clinton couldn't stay off CNN after five months for a simple blowjob there's absolutely no fucking way any plot by GWB could stay hidden after five years. By now someone involved would have talked. A missile operator. A remote control pilot. An explosives expert. Somebody. SO face it - 9/11 was what it was; a terrorist attack. End of story.

moooooo! nothing says fun like a live feed from webcams hooked up to cows!

April 22 2006

I Fucking Hate Cats Too.

So you think you're smart eh?. Well did you forsee the price at the the gas pumps going this outrageously high? How's that hungry new Hummer H2 treating you now?

Hear no evil. See no evil. And for the love of sweet Jesus certainly try to refrain from doing any evil.

The short story is on Halloween last year I had a few hundred beers a friend of mine and I kinda got into it. He swung I ducked but on the way by I grabbed his shoulder and we became airborne and we landed on his shoulder with my fingers between us and the black top... I snapped both me ring and small finger. About two weeks later after I sobered up I went to the doctor and he decided to put a screw from the "top down". As it turns out not all doctors should be practicing. This retard put the screw thru the top of the broken piece and shattered it now keep in mind the screw was the correct length for the two pieces because the screw went thru it stuck out the bottom.... After the bandage came off I realized the error of shit for brains... anytime I touched the bottom of my finger I could feel the sharp ass screw as a matter of fact I had to on several occasions pull the skin off the screw.. I waited for my next appointment. He took X-rays looked at them and said "it looks great let me know if you have any problems in a few months" I said nothing and went to a new Doctor and showed him the X-rays.. 2 days later I was in surgery getting the screw removed and a fricken 4" nail put in... The button is because the top of the bone was so fucked up the "new Doc" had to remove the tendons off all the shattered bits and put them back where they should be. He then tied them there and had to use an anchor (the button) so the thread wouldn't pull thru my skin... Fucked up huh...Declan

Uh oh. Looks like our troops might be in trouble. Check out this terrorist training video that shows just how intense they train. Bwa-hahahahahaha! What a bunch of douche bags.

ever wonder what it's like to eat a tablespoon of ground cinnamon?

hey girls do you love dick? here's a great receipe for some spotted dick

this is a mean averaging of seventy six images of fellatio. no seriously.

April 21 2006

I've Always Hated James Taylor.

When you’re down and troubled And you need a helping hand.
And nothing whoa nothing is going right Close your eyes and think of me.
And soon I will be there To brighten up even your darkest nights.

Jesus as soon as that shit comes on the radio it makes me wanna puke my guts out. I'd rather tune the radio and listen to some nobody sing than that asshole. He makes time stand fucking still for me. It is the ultimate Ernie Torture.

Ernie No T&A in this one for you ... but my guess is you could have some fun with the link text since you like to toss curveballs out there. Since there is a Rainier Beer sign that you can turn on and off ... maybe slip something in there like: "... and ever wonder what type of beer the Hulk like to drink?" Drop me a note if you are going to put it up and I'll add an "I Love Ernie" note to the webcam field of view. - mr paint

WARNING: GRAPHIC! photos of injured animals from illegal net fishing. WARNING: GRAPHIC!

April 20 2006

Here This Will Freshen You Up A Bit.

Aw it's such a nice day outside why don't you call up a good friend and go play?

Hey serious question time for all you baseball card buffs. With all this steroid shit going on in major leage baseball do you think my Barry Bonds rookie card is still worth anything or no? I'm just looking for an idea... nothing exact.

This my friends is why dogs fucking rule. Not cats not birds not pot bellied fucking pigs but dogs. Ironically enough the dog shares the same name as a firearm manufacturer. if that's not irony I don't know what is.

Ernie - This wreck happened on frontage road of I-55 in Jackson Mississippi. Two med students were racing. The guy in the corvette took off after the mustang wrecked. - Jeff

Our friends down under seem to have found a solution to their immigration problem. Why can't it be that easy for us?

This is cool - come see where your fellow EHOWA readers hail from - takes about 2-3 minutes to load so be patient. And the one guy from Iran? Don't worry he won't be there much longer.

red sox boobies! red sox boobies! red sox boobies! red sox boobies!

April 19 2006

You Sit There Perfectly Still.

Firefox users rejoice they're finally starting to do some advertising. In India (corrected!).

Ladies lay off the donuts hit the gym and avoid the dreaded FUPA!

Went as gound crew to the opening day at Dodger's stadium - here are a few pix for you! Hope all is going well - thanks for the "Pilot Shout out!" Also caught the Yankees in pre-season in Arizona. HA! Check out the airspeed & mach number on the GPS - not too shabby eh? - Puddy

Ha! Ha! Ha! Wow that's funny! A pic of Johnny Damon to bust my balls as you go! Ah-ha! Ha! Ha! You sure got me.... assbag!

collection of photos taken during a russian air force museum tour

April 18 2006

Now That Just Ain't Right.

You know they say humans evolved from monkeys which I think is a bunch of bullshit because I can't do this.

On the hot celebrity scene I'm glad to see insanely hot Lindsay Lohan looking healthy and more full figured again. But as glad as I am for her I dunno about these vitamins she's been taking to put weight back on... I mean they're having some weird effects ya know?

Because you don't know the power of the Dark Side beyotch!

dance pipe cleaner dance!

April 17 2006

Well That Just Isn't Very Nice.

Looks like not all of us had a good Easter.

Okay kind of a quirky novelty thing for anyone other WWII history buffs out there. You can use this German Enigma Machine encoder to encrypt a message and then see how long it takes your computer to break the code using the Turing Bombe Simulation here. Ahh the things you Google for at 1am...Good times good times.

Ever have one of those days where you have one drink too many and end up doing something you later regret? Yeah well I haven't had any of those lately thank goodness. Oh please don't be so high and mighty. You know we've all done it at some point.

Pop quiz asshole. You have four seconds to draw these sketches. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

Ok to close out today's post just something I found a little bit disturbing. I was looking through the server logs to see where my traffic was coming from recently and found this visitor from the UK who discovered EHOWA for the first time via Google. Yep that's right Google "Fuck my ass" and I'm the 10th link. Weird man weird.

i fucking hate pennies but this is pretty cool. the holsteins? not as much.

April 15 2006

Happy Fucking Easter!

My how times flies. It seems like Thanksgiving was just yesterday doesn't it? Regardless let me be the first to wish everyone a Happy Easter weekend. Twice. No three times.

Hey if you happened to die in India recently their police would like to have a word with you. I just wanted to make sure I passed on the message thanks.

Well that's it for me. I'm off to an Easter egg hunt. Bye!

ah the good old days when bo jackson used to play for the raiders

friendly boxing match between two army sergeants takes a turn for the worst for one of them. boom artillery!

easter boobies! easter boobies! easter boobies! easter boobies! easter boobies!

April 14 2006

Welcome To Opening Day

Welcome to the new EHOWA restaurant my name is Ernie and I'll be your server today. Can I interest you in today's special?

Good news girls! In response to Steak and Blowjob day which was in response to Valentine's Day you now have Cake and Cunnilingus Day.

And now a special gift for EHOWA's little friends a coloring book for lawyers.

Here's a list of the top 50 jobs as ranked by Money magazine. Surprisingly enough American foot soldier is nowhere on the list.

some really great patriotic videos and slideshows

April 13 2006

I Seem To Be Missing Something Lately.

Some semi-hot Jewish chick took a bunch of pictures of her fellow Hot Israeli Bitches with guns. You don't get to see that everyday now do you?

Well if you're anything like me you woke up this morning and wondered "Say just what does happen to the human body when it's ejected out of a car at 150 mph?" Well wonder no further!

and just so there's no misunderstanding - i fucking hate you johnny damon!

April 12 2006

Paul 2 Ernie 0

He hauled in two 19" redfish. Minimum length to keep? 18". I hauled in three snook measuring 23" to 25". Minimum length to keep? 26" Yep I was an inch short. Like that's the first timer I've ever had to say that right?

Then I hauled in one 19" Redfish. "Sorry only allowed to keep one per person" so we had to throw mine back. So fuck him I ate his fish.

April 11 2006

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on immigration.

"In the first place we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed or birthplace or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American and nothing but an American... There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American but something else also isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag the American flag... We have room for but one language here and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people." -- Theodore Roosevelt 1907

April 10 2006

Now Now. Safety First.

So my buddy Paul is coming for a visit this week. In fact I pick him up at the airport around 2:30 today. I was just going to give him my address and have him take a taxi but figured eh I'd give him the royal treatment and pick him up in Earl. Don't worry it's safe the brakes are fixed. Besides with him being a hockey coach I didn't want to get my ass kicked.

Speaking of safety here are some photos of a foam test that went wrong at Ellsworth AFB in South Dakota. It was supposed to be a 15 second burst of fire supressing foam but when the system wouldn't shut off well things got kind of. Well you can see for yourself...

Well without setting off any kind of a chain reaction I trust the next few days will include a few lap dances before Paul has to fly back to Boston. Wish us luck!

ah nothing says friendship like a nice flourescent lamp to the balls

April 9 2006

Ornery Little Motherfucker.

So Ike had a pretty interesting weekend. I let him out to take a leak this past Friday night and as he was coming back into the house I watched him walk past a dark spot on the sidewalk and then much like a cat leap straight up in the air. I thought that was odd but since he just continued on into the house like nothing happened I didn't think much of it. As I followed him in I too walked past this dark spot which looked just like a potato; until this potato moved towards me. I too jumped straight up like a cat.

I decided to give whatever this thing was a wide berth and made my way into the house and flipped on the outside light. There staring back at me lay a small red yellow and brown snake. No big deal says I snaked don't bother me at all. This one was about a foot and a half long and no more big around than my pinky. Being from the northeast I've never seen anything more than a gartner snake in the wild so with some curiosity I approached to get a closer look. I expected him to turn around and beat feet as I approached seeing as he was so small. However his reaction was quite the opposite; he coiled up and raised his head as if ready to strike. As I stepped sideways in shock his little head followed me -- always with those beady little eyes and always ready to strike. In fact I distinctly heard him say "Fuck you."

As I leaned in closer to ask him to repeat himself he went through a striking move -- not close enough to get me but close enough to let me know he meant business. Given this little guy's aggressiveness -- gartner snakes usually haul ass upon seeing a human -- I began to be concerned that perhaps this fucker might be venomous. A baby copperhead perhaps? Was I in danger I wondered? Visions of me smooshing a snake with a shovel and having to bring both it's flat body and my limping dog to the vet's emergency room dashed through my head. I stepped backwards towards the door. His beady little eyes followed me in some sort of a miniature Mexican standoff. As I opened the door and backed through he whispered "bitch."

Inside I called Ike over and watched him come to me. There was nothing wrong with his gate he wasn't favoring any spot on his body which might indicate he had been bitten and he was just his normal goofy self. I thought briefly about tossing my roommate's Yorkie out there to the snake as a test but then decided against it. We had company over that night so I urgently called everyone out to the front of the house to see our new little buddy with the big attitude.

Everyone took a closer look and among them the general concensus was no it's not the deadly copperhead but a harmless red rat snake. So unless I were a small frog or lizard this snake couldn't eat me and thus meant me no harm. We scooped him up with a shovel and with a mighty heave sent him sailing into the yard where presumably he slithered away had a few snake beers with his snake buddies and told them how he almost kicked my ass. He sure did have an attitude.

But I bet the little fucker doesn't know just how close he came to having his entire weekend ruined by the business end of a shovel.

a face so ugly only a mother could love. or his new fat wife

April 7 2006

Listen Up America.

Over the past couple of weeks I've noticed the digital clock on the cable box has been getting a little fuzzy so yesterday I went to get an eye exam. As I suspected my prescription changed and it's time for some new specs. Don't worry the picture I posted yesterday wasn't my new glasses they were actually my BC glasses I found from my basic training days. As a side note I think this year for Halloween I'm going to dress up as Hank Hill. Anyway while I was there I asked the doc about Lasik. I'd love to get it done since glasses and contacts can be a pain in the ass sometimes but somehow I still can't get my mind around a fucking cigar cutter taking a hunk out my eye to make a flap. That shit just spooks me out. I get sick just thinking about it. But I know it has to be done so the way I figure it this time next year I'll have my eyes test again and if they don't change well then I'll let Obi Wan Kenobi use his lightsaber on my eyes. And I'm sure as hell not going to go to some quack who pulls up in a Hyundai offering a 2 for 1 sale while the ink on his weekend training certificate is still dry. Fuck no. I want to go to a rich motherfucker who picks our which of his seven Ferraris to drive to work that day because he's been making assloads of cash off Lasik surgery for the past 10 years. The way I see it I only have one pair of eyes so I don't want to take any chances of things screwing up.

What really burns my ass aside from having to get the balls to sit down in the chair is for each decade I've been wearing my contacts I have to go for one month without wearing them prior to the surgery. This is because I wear hard contacts and this down time allows time for my eyes to return to their natural shape in order to get the best results. Thats six fucking weeks baby. Ugh.

Well anyway with me soon being able to see better perhaps that will improve my improve my parking a little bit.

eighteen things you always wanted to know about antactica but were afraid to ask

April 6 2006

No It's Okay It's Diet.

People please. Will you get your minds out of the fucking gutter? That's the last time I'm going to ask.

Well I'll admit I've done some pretty stupid things in my life but nothing like this. Looking like it belongs in a chase scene scene right out of a bad Italian Job remake these guys drive their car on subway tracks and through various underground stations. The way people look makes me think it's authentic even if there was no satisfying crash at the end.

One of my favorite shows on television right now is My Name is Earl. And as an added bonus besides being a former castmate of Kevin Smith and being married to Jaimie Pressly (on the show at least) Jason Lee just makes me laugh with all the funny shit he says. I honestly think it's one of the best shows on Tv right now. And if you don't watch it I hope you get fat and die.

Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.

Homey #1: Yo hold up...Jesus was a virgin?! He went from 12 to 33 with nothing?
Homey #2: Fuck that shit. He definitely got his dick sucked or buttfucked some bitches.

Woman #1: It's really small you know but the sex is wonderful.
Woman #2: You mean he's rich?
Woman #1: Yeah. Exactly.

Girl #1: Randy won't stop coming on my face.
Girl #2: ...Are you going to finish your bagel?

Man: You could turn people to stone with your eyes.
Girl: Dude there are lots of other people on this train go hit on someone else.
Man: I know but you're the closest and I don't want to move because I have to pee.

And more things overheard in New York...

And then on the flip side of American television we have Natalie Portman doing some gangsta rap. Yes you heard me correctly I said gangsta rap. Why Lord? Why have you forsaken me? First she cuts her hair now she's acting like a fucking idiot. I'm not saying I wouldn't do her I'm just saying I wouldn't admit to it afterwards.

So just out of curiosity how long would it take a hacker to crack your password? Ha! Not feeling so tough now are you smart guy? Okay before you go do me a favor and gaze into my eyes for twenty seconds.

great collection of airshow pictures taken over the past 5 years including some new school ruskie stuff

April 5 2006

Everyone Gets Their Fifteen Minutes.

Using the latest computer generated imaging here's what Bill Clinton would look like if he grew a mustache.

One site that I've always enjoyed and try to go back and visit once a month or so is -- it's run by this Ukrainian chick named Elena who happens to live within driving distance of Chernobyl. ANyway her father is some sort of a nuclear scientist so she's competent enough to ride her motorcycle through the irradiated city without turning herself a nice shade of glowing green. She documents her trip with a few dozen photos and even through I've seen them all before it's always fascinating to go back and look through them again. You get some idea how fucking eerie it would be to ride your motorcycle around an entire city and not see one other person. (Zombies?) Plus sometime in the past few months she added another section digging up some relics of the Ruskies vs Nazis battle for Kiev. Old bullets hand grenades bunkers and occasionally; the stray jawbone. The layout is very high speed/low drag the English is a little broken plus she's kinda hot -- so if you've got a few hours to kill look through the site as you won't be disappointed.

Hey I'm selling two mobile phones that I'm not using anymore so if anyone is interested:
Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels)
Motorolla camera phone and vibrating alert
Have a look at the pics and do me a favor - see if anyone you know is interested? Thanks.

Ernie - This happened the other night in Redwood City California... Drove through the San Mateo County Sheriff's Office Substation. Classic... Original Message: Here are some pics of the crash into the NFO Sub. Gamble did an outstanding job in getting these guys. Glad no one was in there. Perhaps a no parking sign in the lobby would have helped.

Aw man I with I found this in time for April Fool's day... you can do a free 5 minute trial of a three way telephone conversation. I had a porn shop call a 7-11. Ah good times good times.

britney's porn piano - random pictures from afghanistan

hey chubby - how much would you weigh on other planets in our solar system?

April 4 2006

Some Ups And Downs Today.

Well I didn't get the chance to update yesterday so I've got an assload of stuff to post today. Some you will like some you won't. For example the good news is this guy made a list of the 10 Best 80s Movie Music Videos. The bad news is Huey Lewis and the News only came in at #9 which I think is a fucking travesty. That was 10-6... here's 5-1. Why they're on a seperate page I dunno hey it's not my site.

Ernie - Here is a great optical illusion photo taken of a Lufthansa 747-400 and a United 757-200 that were on simultaneous approaches to runways 28L and 28R at San Francisco (SFO). The separation requirement for flying parallel and simultaneous approaches is 225 meters (about 750 feet). These two aircraft are at a safe distance for the approaches they are each flying. Due to the 747 being three times larger than the 757 and being slightly behind it gives this incredible optical illusion.

This is the coolest thing in a long ass time. Territory Wars - this game has got it all! Stick figures. Grenades. Gunfire. Headshots. And Chuck Norris. And if you have what it takes to complete all 10 challenges then you win a showdown with the red headed cowboy himself. Say what you want but the game is fucking addictive. Thanks to Shawn for letting me host a copy of it.

On Wednesday April 5th at 2 minutes and 3 seconds after 1:00 in the morning the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. This won't ever happen again. Well you know until 3006 anyway.

EHOWA exclusive photo! This past week end I snapped this picture of the biggest police bust in history! That one was for you Puddy!

list of auctions selling ex-girlfriend photos (with thumbnails of course!)

April 3 2006

There's always one.

Yep there's always one guy who takes an April Fool's joke hook line and sinker. And this year's award goes to...

Long time reader first time writer love the site. What is all this bullshit that I’m hearing about? About censoring the internet? On their site they say and I quote "Bringing stability reliability and values to the Internet." What values are they talking about? Why are we being forced to see only what some right-wing communist says we can look at? They ( call it a victory when our freedoms are crushed and websites are forced to remove or censor content that only a minority of people may find offensive. And heavily fine websites that don’t comply by June 1 2006. My question is: if they find it offensive why do they look at it? is even mentioned on their homepage and is called “corrupted” and in need of adhering to “basic moral and ethical standards”. Whose standards are we all supposed to adhere to? Some stuck up lawyer who thinks he’s better then everyone else? Ernie rally the troops you have to put a stop to this. These people want to make the entire internet a gigantic Barney show with sing-along’s and hand holding. Don’t let them win. - William

Don't worry Will your kids are doing just fine on their own. You beed pwn3d.

okay and the weirdest fuckingmom with an ebay account award goes to...

April 1 2006

Guess What Today Is.

I pity the fool. -- Mr. T.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. -- Mark Twain

But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty. -- 1 Cor 1:27

However big the fool there is always a bigger fool to admire him. -- Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux

[Politicians] never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. -- Thomas Reed

Sometimes one likes foolish people for their folly better than wise people for their wisdom. -- Elizabeth Gaskell

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer

Looking foolish does the spirit good. -- John Updike

He who lives without folly isn't so wise as he thinks. -- François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. -- Mark Twain

A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees. -- William Blake

A fool must now and then be right by chance. -- Cowper

It is better to be a fool than to be dead. -- Stevenson

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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