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June 30, 2006

I've Been Called Worse.

Okay, seriously, I know some of you people worship me and shit, but there's a line that you shouldn't cross. When I'm just going for a walk in public and one of you snap a picture of me - that's invading my privacy. So stop it.

A few people have asked if the brakes on my Nova are working better, and I'm pleased to report, yes they are and thank you for asking.

Funny shit. Now we've all received hundreds of emails from Nigarian scammers to the point where it makes me want to puke. And you know the drill, "I'm a Nigerian Prince, I need to get millions of dollars out of the country, in exchange for your help I'll give you some, etc, etc." The guys at 419eaters.com play along and get the scammers to do funny shit to 'prove who they are'. Check out some of these photos in their trophy room.

Ernie, Saudações from Brazil, I´ve been reading your posts by years now and love it. I was surfing the internet and found the pic attached. Seeing it, just realized why our guys have not found Bin Laden and why after 500pds of ordinance Al Zarqawi lived for about 1 hour. Actually the pic attached is the guy pointing were both of them are... Cheers, Julio / nEPHITA

Oh. Well, that all makes sense now, doesn't it?

Insurgents in Iraq have started to shit their pants now that they know Optimus Prime is on our side. Yep, that's right, Optimus leads the way now, bitches!

russian boobies! russian boobies! russian boobies! russian boobies!

bye bye birdie 1 - bye bye birdie 2 - bye bye birdie 3

drunk hillbillies and their extreme tractors. yes, i said tractors.


June 29, 2006

Wow, They Must Be Some Big Nachos.

We live in a policitally correct world. Yes, we've all seen or heard the versatility of the word Fuck. But when's the last time you've heard of anyone has written a legal paper on it?? "This Article is as simple and provocative as its title suggests: it explores the legal implications of the word fuck. The intersection of the word fuck and the law is examined in four major areas: First Amendment, broadcast regulation, sexual harassment, and education..." [read more...].

And I won't even talk about the stuff you have to do to get a little extra french fries. Or how about the fact that it's not cool to be American anymore?

Man, it must be tough to come home from work and find your old lady flat out cheating on you. And then you wonder what will happen to their kids... man, almost makes you want to go out and get a vasectomy, doesn't it?

top ten game - weapons of all time - doom's chainsaw way back at number nine? bullshit!

what's the best way to avoid being eaten by a lion? drown the motherfucker!

knock-knock. who's there? emerson. emerson who? emerson big tits!


June 28, 2006

But You Add A Little Barley, A Pinch of Hops, Some Yeast...

Although obviously, water doesn't rot your teeth or give you hangovers.

Me personally, I think we should apologize to Iran, but I'm a very forgiving person. But if you're worried about surviving a nuclear holocaust when either they or North Korea pushes the button? No problem, just bone up on the Ark II and all is sure to be well!

Anyone brave enough to order viagra online yet? Well, Zug was. Me, I'm only brave enough to try the tanning creams. How do you think they're working for me so far?

some old busted ass russian tanks somewhere in afghanistan


June 27, 2006

She's Be Babraham Lincoln!

Aw, c'mon honey, you know I put in some late hours at the office last night!

To become old and wise, you must first be young and stupid. Yep, I'm betting the kid wishes he did that landing at a different angle than straight down.

Mental note for all your pranksters out there.... don't steal letters from this place, otherwise they'll get very pissed off and end up beating your ass.

Marine on Camp Fallujah Iraq marches geese to the pond [video]. - GySgt Dearing

Now that's pretty damned funny. And strange. Well, not as funny and strange as a girl being afraid of pickles, but hey the human imagination can only go so far.

Just in case you ever wanted to turn your webcam into an infrared one so you can see in the dark, here's how.

Okay, that's all for today. Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

having a mig-23 crash on your fucking head - it's the only weay to die

hey guys, unhappy with your small nipples? me too! well now it's time to do something about it!


June 26, 2006

And That's Just From The Salad Bar.

Hey ladies, my girlfriend is pretty desperate for some advice, can any of you help her out?

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Road in Fishers ( Indianapolis). The sign was up for about two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell "peonies".

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I've started eating healthier. Yep, I've been cutting out a lot of the red meat from my diet.

Awwww, Comcast technician needs his sleepie sleepies. Poor little guy is all tuckered out from being on hold evidently.

mannequins? mannequins? we don't need no steenking mannequins!

i appreciate the ehowa fan signs, but the boy scout in me says hacking into trees is not cool


June 24, 2006

See, That's One Of Those Optical Illusions.

If you stare at it long enough and relax your eyes, you'll see a hidden word.

I don't think there's any real mystery to this chick's dating service video. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

cats. who look like hitler. zig heil! zig heil!

another episode of rednecks reacting to cheating girlfriends


June 23, 2006

I Wonder If It Gave Them Wings?

In case you ever wondered what happened to the Nutty Professor. He's alive and well and covering the news in Jacksonville, FL.

Latest polling shows 43 percent of all Americans say that illegal immigration is a serious problem. The other 57 percent said, "no hablo inglés."

Here's a little movie I made of a friend getting drunk at a house party. It's a little long (8 minutes) - but the last 2 minutes are priceless. Plus, my friend told me "whatever you do, don't put this on EHOWA." - Brian

You know, all a guy is trying to do is relax in the park with his dog, and he can't even do that.

Ernie, I got back from Iraq in January of this year. The other day I was sorting through some of the zillions of photos and videos me and my soldiers took, looking for some to send out to friends. I sent several to a buddy of mine in VA who posted them to his web site. One of them is a video I made shooting a HP printer. Most everyone who has seen it suggested that I send it to you. So, here is the link to the site. The video is located towards the bottom of the page. I served with the 1-155th Infantry Battalion, 155th Brigade Combat Team out of Mississippi. We were located about 30 miles SW of Baghdad. Hope you like the video. Take care and God bless! Dirk W.

So if rain on your wedding day is supposed to be good luck, what do you suppose this is?

how do you know you've been drunk shamed? your fridge is empty and you're $600 poorer!


June 22, 2006

Now THOSE Are What I Call Windowlickers!

Ernie, I've been a reader of the site for about 5 years, love it. I was wondering what software you use to upload your camera phone pictures, also which cell service you use. I LOVE that feature. Are you able to somehow get the pix from your phone directly on the computer without using the computer, or do you use a palm? As you can tell, I don't know the first thing about how to do this ... but I am an Oracle DBA so i'm not an idiot when it comes to computers. thanks man! Bryan

Sure thing Bryan. First off, the easy stuff. My phone is an LG 8100, but who the carrier is, isn't important as they don't play any role in how the pictures get posted. I think I pay $10 to send 250 images a month. Anyway, you'll see the process really isn't that scary once I break it down. The only bit of background info you need to really know is that all the webpages you see on EHOWA are built using Server Side Includes. That is to say the only thing unique to each page is the crap in the middle.... the main body of content. The left, top, and right menus are just text files that my webserver actually inserts into the .shtml file before serving it up to your web browser. So when I make a change to one of those text files and upload that my server... poof, all the pages on EHOWA dynamically change as well. Huh? here just click here and you'll see what I mean. That file, along with two others, get stuffed into each page you see. Got it? Good.

Okay so let's say I'm sitting at a bar somewhere -- I know, shocker -- and I see a bartender with big tits that I'd like to post to the site. I snap the picture and email it via the phone to [an email address]. I put that in brackets only because it's continued privacy is one of several security features to make sure only my stuff gets posted.

So what happens after I send the photos off and go back to my beer? Let's take a look. As I'm trying to sneak a better look at the bartender's cleavage, my computer at home is running a copy of good ol trusty Eudora and checks for anything sent to [an email address] every ten minutes. If it finds an email that...

- is specifically addressed to [an email address],
- is specifically from [my cell phone's email address],
- has a specific word in the Subject field,
- has an attachment between [a specific range] in file size,
- and the attachment is named in a particular fashion (called a file mask),

... then Eudora spawns off a DOS batch file I've created (that's right, I'm old skool baby -- still do my daily updates in WORDPAD!) which in turn extracts the photo, renames it to the current date & time, modifies the rightmenu.txt to include the new photo(s) and uploades both the file(s) and the rightmenu.txt file to the server. Then, presto, you can see them.

Now, some weaknesses. If I fuck up and don't put my magical key word in the subject field of the email... the photo automatically gets deleted. If I forget to rename the file on my phone to match the mask that Eudora is going to look for... photo deleted. If I ever change my cell number, and forget to modify the rule in Eudora that queues the batch file... the photo gets deleted. Again, just a little built in security to keep things from getting accidently posted. If the mail service where [an email address] lives happens to go down... no photos posted. If my computer at home fucks up and crashes or Eudora gets accidently closed out... no photos posted. If a storm hits and I lose power or cable at my house? No photos. If I change my mail directory on my computer and don't change the batch file... you guessed it, no photos. But things have held together enough where I've been doing the phonecam thing for about two years now with no real hiccups. It's nice because they're shown in the same fashion as every other image on EHOWA is and there's a comfortable feel to it, instead of some lame ass flickr shit. I've tried doing movies as well -- most cell phones allow for up to 15 seconds of video -- but whatever the hell file format it records in is evidently incompatible with anything other an another LG phone. So no dice there.

But if I remember to do everything right, viola! And before you ask, yes you can have the batch file, and no, the ftp login information, MAILDIR and FILEMASK variables are obviously not the ones I use (duh!). Ahh, the good ol fuckin DOS prompt, man. Is there anything it can't do?

Thank you for attending the Ernie School of Phone Camera Posting, and this concludes out broadcast day!

The was one of the signs I thought you'd get a kick out of. My g/f and I took Old Rt. 66 from Chicago to Santa Monica Pier, then hit San Fran, Yosemite, Reno, Salt Lake, Yellowstone, Devil's Tower, Mt. Rushmore then home back to Chicago... Still haven't gone thru all 3000 pics yet (I'm sure I'll have some funny ones to send it)... but wanted to send u this one first. Enjoy... Carl


June 21, 2006

I Call It Tough Love.

Anyone delighted by last week's Spirit of Truth preacher will be further delighted to know has his own soundboard now, too. Praise Jesus, you know what I'm sayin dawg?.

For some reason I'm feeling very creative today. Very musical. Very artistic. And I'm not exactly sure why, maybe it's the nice cake someone sent me?

Ernie, I was hoping you could give me a hand with something. A few days ago, while in the process of moving, I found a puppy wandering around the woods behind my house. He appears to be mostly boxer, but I think he has some lab in him as well. He's a really good little dog, but a bit dense at times, and so we've taken to calling him Dude, it just fits. I sent a photo of him and was kind of hoping you could help me find someone willing to take him in somewhere in the Austin/San Antonio/Houston triangle of Texas. He needs shots, to be fixed, and plenty of food, and being a mostly broke college kid I can't afford to keep him. I just couldn't bear to leave him on the streets. Any help would definately be appreciated. -Justin H.

So whaddya think? Any Texans down there wanna help a pooch out?

I now present to you, 1001 ways to open your bottle of beer without using a bottle opener, because that would be cheating.

My first contribution of an almost unfortunate yet totally funny shortening of the movie title "Fun with Dick and Jane" which was paired right next to Brokeback Mountain. I thought that you might get a kick out of this. Keep up the fun site! -L

Ever wonder what would happen if the starship Enterprise encountered the Death Star? Seriously, you sci-fi nerds have way too much free time on your hands. No seriously, I'm not kidding, stop it G out and find better ways to occupy your time.

365 days. 1 brown dress. an ungly woman's one-man show against fashion and good taste.

the sweetest fucking mercedes benz you will ever see. me wants one!


June 20, 2006

You Know It Pains My Heart To Say This.

But we all knew how this story was going to end, even as the first news reports came across the wires that two of our soldiers had been captured. Of course they were tortured. Of course they were killed. Of course their bodies were booby trapped. Look at who we're dealing with. They're animals. Try to imagine the horror these two young men endured before death mercifully took them. Look for aljazeera to broadcast footage of their torture later this week.

Yet when we stack some assholes up in a naked pyramid, it warrants international outcry. If a Marine sings a parody song just mentioning violence, and CAIR is up in arms and calls for an investigation. Yet murder our young soldiers and dump their mutilated bodies in the streets of Iraq, and we'll just keep that on the down-low. Double standard? You betcha.

I tell you what though. You can bet your rosey red American ass those two will be the first, last, and only soldiers taken alive. From here on out, it looks like fight to the death would be the name of the game.

Me? I still say pull out and nuke em from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.


June 19, 2006

And Lift Up Your Shirt? I Like It!

Can one of you guys give me a hand finishing my breakfast? There's just too much to eat.

This small village near Balestrino, Italy was abandoned in the first half of the 1960s after a land slide and hasn't been touched since.

From: Neil Gallop neil.gallop@o2online.de

Thought you might like to know that the term "Achtung Mutterficker" which is display so prominently on the start page of your web site does not exist in the German language. It also does not exist in Austrian-German, and the same applies to the Swiss-German language. I assume you are attempting to translate that so heart-warming term "mother fucker". For your information (realizing that you know little or nothing about anything that happens outside of the United States of America, by your own admission), the concept of fucking your own mother never really caught on over here in Europe, with the exception of ancient Greece, but even there they now prefer to enter into sexual congress with somebody outside of their immediate family. The same cannot be said of significant areas of the country of which you seem so proud.

Neil you're bweaking my balls here, Neil. You're bweaking my balls. There you go Neil Gallop! How you wike dat, you fucking cocksucka! Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Neil Gallop! Well fuck you! You want good gwamma, well gwamma that you buttfucking piece of shit! What you tink I'm just a perry webmaster? I'm pwanning the attack! Congratuwations Team Gewmany, you stopped nothing!

But seriously, why does everyone from Europe suddely feel like they have to be a pain in my ass lately? Do you people really take your soccer that seriously?

this my friends is what we call a negligent discharge

thou shalt not approach david ortiz!


June 18, 2006

Wow, A Little Parentel Responsibility Shines Through!

So today is Father's Day and ironically enough, I got a reply from ol English Ian today. And I have to admit, I'm a little impressed. I saw something that I haven't seen in a long time here on this internet... parental responsibility.

Someone actually taking responsibility for their parental oversight, disciplining their child, and correcting the problem. It's certainly something we see less and less of every day. Behold:

Dear Sir,

When I got home from work yesterday after a weeks work, I checked all of my mailboxes as usual and found one of them to have 111 (and counting) junk mails. As I don’t usually get so many I checked them out only to find they were all concerning EHOWA. Not knowing what this was, I asked my 14 year old if he knew as he also accesses this particular mail account. He confessed and pointed me in your websites direction. Once I had read the letter he sent regarding the picture you posted he was banned from going on the net when I’m at work. Having seen your site I understand that he shouldn’t have been viewing it due to his age and that’s going to be how it is in the future.

However, Don’t you think your action is rather extreme, posting someone’s address for a bit of criticism is rather over-reacting isn’t it? My son was barely rude, I’m sure you’ve been called worse than an idiot before, yet you act like it’s the worst insult you’ve ever heard. According to one e-mail I received, the implication is that you are in some way connected to the military, if that’s the case then I would hope for a touch more restraint in other situations.

As it is, I’ll close this account down after sending this and my son has been duly punished, I’ll include some of the mail I received to give you a demographic of your visitors.

Sincerely, Ian Mitchell.

So how about that, eh? Instead of trying the "pin the blame on the donkey" approach that Chuck's dad tried, ol Ian leans into the plate and takes one for the team. So good for you Ian, my hat's off to you. as my punishments are tempered by compassion, I will remove those sexy pics of you even though you presumably don't have that email anymore. Go in peace, English Ian.

Now as far as my reaction being somewhat extreme... actually I thought I was pretty tame. Especially considering (a) the disclaimer page as you enter EHOWA, (b) our voluntary submission for parental monitoring software and (c) the laundry list of (somewhat stale) hate mail I have so prominantly displayed on the side menu bar. You know, "Nemo me Impune Lacessit" and all that good stuff, right Nate? Anyway, my favorite reply that Ian included... "you are a d-bag and i hope you get cancer in your eyes" from Jonathan G.

Cancer in your eyes! Funny shit, thanks Jon!


June 16, 2006

Uh Yeah, I'd Like The Honeymoon Suite Please?

As you might have guessed, I clearly don't have a fucking clue about the World Cup, as was made clear by my misidentifying yesterday's stab victim as English and not Croatian. Believe it or not, I actually did spend a few minutes trying to find the origins of the photo, even going so far as to look up Brasil's opponents were so far. And I did see Croatia, but figured I would find blue on the Croatian uniform in addition to the red and white. So I figured this guy was just some fan, sitting in some stands, watching some game. Then I looked up the three teams that were exclusively red and white; England, Poland and Japan, I kind of figured it's be safe to rule out the Japs. So in a toss up between England & Poland, well guess who I picked. Anyway, thanks to the many people who brough this to my attention in the proper manner...

Sorry to bust your bubble about English Supporters but that English supporter is a Croatian. He’s obviously Croatian because of the red & white checks (England don’t wear this pattern) and the Brazil fan behind. England haven’t played Brazil, Croatia has. England have enough bad press about our team and fans, please, please don’t add to it through ignorance – other than that – great website Ern!!! - Alan, Jane, Ben & Ciara M.

He is Croatian not English. Regards on a great site! An English football (soccer) fan - John

The fan in the photo is not an Englishman, but a Croatian. Shot was taken at the Croatia vs. Brazil match, and you can make out a Brazillian shirt in the background. - Roundman

Love the site, always good for a laugh, keeps me form doing too much work!! Just two things really, "Team USA " are still in the World Cup, and the "drunken english fan" happens to be Croatian, no other football team plays in checkers, not that we English don't get drunk, we do, with great frequency! Keep up the good work, Mr Murph, London, England.

So there you have it, a small cross section of the people who emailed in and explained my error to me. My humble apologies to all the English football fans out there. That is, except to this fuck:

From: Ian Mitchell
Subject: Stabbed English Fan
Croatian, not English. 10 seconds on Google stops you looking like an idiot to every football fan out there.

Hmmm, let me think. Spend 10 seconds on Google researching a photo of a sport I don't give a fuck about, or, spend 10 seconds jerking off into a bag of squirming maggots and thinking about your 8 year old little sister. Hmmm, tough call. But, given that I got the picture wrong, you can guess how I spent my afternoon yesterday. So, sit back and think about how you could have better spent 10 seconds of your life instead of emailing me. In the meantime, enjoy your soccer game, you whiney little bitch.

And my thanks to Blue Cross of Florida, for sending a nurse to my house to aid in my recovery. Thanks guys, I appreciate it!

never forget hurricane katrina's victims - one windy fucking mountain


June 15, 2006

Sorry, I Got A Late Start This Morning.

World Cup. Now that team USA has been knocked ut, I find myself unexplicably rooting for our neighbors just south of the border. And get a load of this drunk Croatian. Yes, note the stab wound on his stomach. Classy!

Guys, tired of your circumcised penis? Yeah, me too, so let's reverse em, shall we?

If you think littering is a victimless crime, think again. here's a story of what something so simple as a 6-pack ring can do to wildlife in the Ozarks.

For your convience, I will now provide you with step by by step instructions to herniate every disc in your lower back. Step 1, you and equally stupid friend climb onto your home's roof. Step 2, grab friend in piledriver. Step 3, simple jump! "Are you guys ok?"

Oh yes, I will win this Abu Musab al-Zarqawi action figure.

Hi my name is Robert I had this sticker of your site put on my van, and I thought you might like to put it on your site. It is by far the best site i've ever been to! Thanks keep up the good work - Robert

Some pictures of Big Ben Roethlisberger - both before and after his motorcycle crash. Always wear a helmet, kids!

Pictures of the all alluminum Ford Shelby Prototype as it was being shipped to be photographed in this photoshoot. Sneaky bastards.

alien vs predtator - we know they hunt each other, but can't they just get along?


June 14, 2006

A Few Chuckle McChuckletons...

Don't forget, today is Flag Day.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "Sorry fellas, we don't serve breakfast."

A man asked his doctor if there was a test to help him determine if he was gay. The Doctor said "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants." The man pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55." The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. The man said "55". The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's ass he once again told him to say 55. The guy goes, "1...2...3..."

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" The Irishman smiles and looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these!"

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", does that make the Tennessee Titans "The Tits"?

Billy's father had a lot of guns around the house and was always telling Billy things about being careful with guns and how to take care of them, etc. Well, one day Billy was in the tub masturbating,and his mother walked in just as he was ejaculating. She stormed out, and Billy chased after her, saying, "I wasn't playing with myself! I was just cleaning it and it went off!"

tired? awww you poor baby. here you go seepies

nerds rejoice. how to make x-wing fighters out of subway tickets


June 13, 2006

Don't Cut Me, Mick.

As a friendly reminder to all, while you may find some mature content on EHOWA -- such as profanity or frontal nudity -- this is not a porn site. I always tell people that if EHOWA were a movie, it'd be rated R. Not X, not XXX, but R. Arrrrr.

Okay, I had my follow up appointment this morning and much to my relief, this doc wants to proceed in a different (non-surgical) direction. To say that was a load off my mind would be an understatement. Based upon a follow up exam, all parties feel the finger of blame should be pointed at this cool doohickey called the Iliopsoas Tendon. It runs from the upper portion of your outer thigh down the front of your groin, swings just to the side of your nuts, and down the front of your leg. Evidently mine is snapping back and forth over bony protrusion -- no not that one -- as I contract and extend my leg.

Evidently this is a very difficult location to get to surgically, since there's all kinds of "stuff" in the way. Besides, the surgical solution is to lengthen the tendon which just sounds kind of unnatural to me. I did some searching on the procedure, and the only pictures I could find were from a veterinary website, but I'm sure the procedure has to be similar since a tendon is a tendon is a tendon -- fyi the the Z tenotomy technique gives me the heebie jeebies.

So for now, I start an oral (heh) dose of cortisone to try to get the immflamation to go down and allow the tendon to heal. If that doesn't work, a radiologist sticks a needle -- into my fucking groin -- and injects cortisone directly into the irritated bursa. I can assure you I will be piss ass drunk should that need to occur. So when I say I've got a much more warm and fuzzy feeling with trying this conservative treatment first, I ain't just whistlin Dixie. I was not looking forward to having a camera crammed into my joint no matter how small it is. But on the flip side, my liver is going to last forever.

In the meantime, news from the front. Well, almost...

Subject: Query from a soon to be deploying soldier

Dear Ernie,

I frequent your page and enjoy the content and pro military stance in which you have taken. In these days it is hard for people to still have faith and confidence in what we do. I am soon to be deploying to Iraq. I can not tell you a date for obvious reasons but I am counting the days. I am a blackhawk crewchief SGT/E-5 but also a part time filmmaker. My biggest concern is that the people of this country do not understand what we are doing and who it is that is doing it. Soldiers make up less then 1% of the population so that means that no more then 3% of the country really understands what is going on other then what they see in the news.

Thus I have created a sort of pilot sitcom for my unit through our train up for Iraq and it got me to thinking. I want to show as many people as possible what it is that we do. So after careful consideration I have decided to create "(A) Black Jacks (J)". It is still in the works as far as planning but it will be created by soldiers for the world. The concept is to not show the world the blood and gore that they see on the news but to show them that even as soldiers we are the Average Joe. I watch shows like, "Over There" but they do not tell the real stories. It is all glamorous hollywood bullshit in my opinion. I want the world to see our faces and hear our stories. I don't intend to stage anything because that would take away from any realism I am trying to capture. I ask nothing of you sir in the sense of proceeds or gratuity, but I did wish to ask you because of the amount of people who go to your website if you would aid me in showing people the true Americans. I am going to set up a site strictly for this project at a later date, in which time I will upload the episodes. Thank you for your time sir. On behalf of myself and IMTP (In My Tent Productions) thank you for LBEH! -- SGT Christopher H.

Well if that isn't a match made in heaven, then I don't know what is. So whenever you're ready Chris, let 'er rip. And try not to get too muddy - over there. And no, Chris did not make this video.

Since I like the remote controlled airplane videos, here is an old timer that built a 20' wide B-29 with four 80cc motors. He even drops the X-1 from it which makes a pass for the crowd, and lights the rockets. Very cool. Thanks Jason.

EHOWA EXCLUSIVE! photographic proof of water on mars!

see where ehowa's last 500 visitors came from - warning - takes about 60 seconds to load

more french things that suck. their alphajet trainer getting pounded by their crappy mirage 2000


June 12, 2006

Oh This Can't Be Good.

Just got back from the doc's office and I can't say that I'm tickled pink with his diagnosis. It seems the MRI found some imperfections in the cartlidge in my hip socket. Okay, so what's that shit mean? Oh, it means they want to inject a fluid into the hip joint, forcing the ball out of the fucking socket, so they can snake in a small arthoscopic camera, and if need be, a little roto-rooter to grind down any rough spots or tears. The doc actually held up a pen when giving an estimate how big the camera was. Can you imagine sticking a fucking pen into the ball and socket of your hip for a little show and tell? Me neither. That my friends, is what the medical community refers to as not cool. Surely the end of the world is upon us.

You see, the biggest beef I had with the MRI itself was, after they injected the iodine dye into the hip joint, it felt like my leg going to explode out of the hip socket. Seriously. I'm laying there on the table just waiting to hear the "pop" and see my leg bounce off the floor on the other side of the room. Now deep down I knew that wasn't going to happen, but ask if that stopped me from shuffling my left log along the floor insteaf of picking it up, for fear of that very thing? Why no, no it didn't. In fact, when I was mercifully told I could put my boxers back on -- walking around in a gown with your ass cheeks hanging out is very humbling -- I used one hand to put my underwear on, and the other to hold my leg in. As an overall experience, it was Not Very Cool.

Anyway, I go see the head orthopedic guy tomorrow, so we'll see what he says. I feel like I should be preparing for a last meal or something.

your complete tribute to those who wear sandals and socks

so what happens when you dump three gallons of liquid nitrogen into a pool? find out!


June 11, 2006

Signs, Signs, Everywhere There's Signs.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I get a drumroll please? Thank you. I present to you, the nation's weirdest preach. Because I ain't tryin to trip a nigga up, like yo.

Q. How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes a surgical team to get it out.

I don't know if you've checked this out before, but over at VWvortex they have an 81 page forum discussion about one hot, French news reporter, Melissa Theuriau. Just please don't ask me what I was doing at VWvortex. You see, on an August morning in 1978, French filmmaker Claude Lelouch mounted a gyro-stabilized camera to the bumper of a Ferrari 275 GTB and had a friend, a professional Formula 1 racer, drive him at breakneck speed through the heart of Paris. The film was limited for technical reasons to 10 minutes; the course was from Porte Dauphine, through the Louvre, to the Basilica of Sacre Coeur. No streets were closed, for Lelouch was unable to obtain a permit. The driver completed the course in about 9 minutes, reaching nearly 140 MPH in some stretches. The footage reveals him running real red lights, nearly hitting real pedestrians, and driving the wrong way up real one-way streets.

cool: use your computer's microphone to test your lung capacity vs famous athletes


June 9, 2006

Today Is About Clothing And The Lack Thereof.

A lot of people ask me how I always have something to post. Well, some of this shit just writes itself. Others, I have to do a little more work for. Plus I get a lot of user submissions. I mean fuck, it's my tax dollars, right?

I received this though e-mail, I must warn you that the images are a little graphic, so if you have never seen a live birth before, you may want to think about it twice before you continue...

WARNING! There have been unconfirmed reports of a sasquatch sighting in northern Vermont, near the Canadian border. So far Forestry Services have been unable to verify the authenticity of this grainy black and white amateur photo. Stay tuned for more details as they become available! In the meantime, we urge all residents to stay inside and keep their doors and windows locked.

Bullshit, Chuck! You were using performance enhancing drugs, and I can prove it! And for those of you who did NOT partake in my little blast from the past with Mike Tyson's Punch Out yesterday, here's a video of a guy completing the whole fucking game in 18 minutes. Beat that, bitches!

the complete archive of all things a.c.m.e used by wylie coyote

so, what skeletons do you have in your closet? hmmmmm?


June 8, 2006

Maaaaaaan, You Got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!

And here I was ready to wake up this morning and tell everyone about the totally fucked up experience I had getting an MRI on Monday, and this dead motherfucker had to come steal my thunder. Well, I'll shelve that story for tomorrow's update, and rewrite a eulogy for our lately departed friend. I dunno how we set the trap, but whatever it was, he took the bait. Say hello to Allah, motherfucker! I find it kind of satisfying, ya know, after such a long and exhaustive search, our guys finally got the motherfucker. I'll be honest, I actually got a woodie when I heard. Here's the raw video of the airstrike, because we all know their eye in the sky provides the best seats in the house!

Hey more great news, too. It seems that after all these years my friend Lisa still loves dick. Isn't that just heartwarming? Good for you, Lisa!

In this short controversial film, Scott VanPala takes you on a chaotic yet adventurous journey with a powerful and destructive Potato Gun. ... all He illustrates how he made his using nothing more than hairspray and pvc pipe from Home Depot using gift certificates he got for Christmas. He then demonstrably shows the various, and perhaps irresponsible, uses of shooting vegatables long distances. At halftime, he takes a break to show the many benefits gun ownership has had for society. PLUS - See him crash through a window in a Honda to finish a job that the spud shooter couldn't. Watch the way propane propels tuber out of a Potato Cannon and the subsequent explosion.

God dammit, my pet snake got out again, can you help me find it? Thanks.

a good sunburn -- a bad sunburn

do you have what it takes to work for ari gold? silence lloyd, it's fucking golden.

only two months late for easter - lord of the peepe, return of the peep!


June 6, 2006

D-Day Was 62 Years Ago Today.

MONTEITH, JIMMIE W., JR., First Lieutenant, U.S. Army, 16th Infantry, 1st Infantry Division. Place and date: Near Colleville-sur-Mer, France, 6 June 1944. Entered service at: Richmond, Va. Born: 1 July 1917, Low Moor, Va. G.O. No.: 20, 29 March 1945. Citation: For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity above and beyond the call of duty on 6 June 1944, near Colleville-sur-Mer, France. 1st Lt. Monteith landed with the initial assault waves on the coast of France under heavy enemy fire. Without regard to his own personal safety he continually moved up and down the beach reorganizing men for further assault. He then led the assault over a narrow protective ledge and across the flat, exposed terrain to the comparative safety of a cliff. Retracing his steps across the field to the beach, he moved over to where 2 tanks were buttoned up and blind under violent enemy artillery and machinegun fire. Completely exposed to the intense fire, 1st Lt. Monteith led the tanks on foot through a minefield and into firing positions. Under his direction several enemy positions were destroyed. He then rejoined his company and under his leadership his men captured an advantageous position on the hill. Supervising the defense of his newly won position against repeated vicious counterattacks, he continued to ignore his own personal safety, repeatedly crossing the 200 or 300 yards of open terrain under heavy fire to strengthen links in his defensive chain. When the enemy succeeded in completely surrounding 1st Lt. Monteith and his unit and while leading the fight out of the situation, 1st Lt. Monteith was killed by enemy fire. The courage, gallantry, and intrepid leadership displayed by 1st Lt. Monteith is worthy of emulation.

BARRETT, CARLTON W., Private, U.S. Army, 18th Infantry, 1st Infantry Division. Place and date: Near St. Laurent-sur-Mer, France, 6 June 1944. Entered service at: Albany, N.Y. Birth: Fulton, N.Y. G.O. No.: 78, 2 October 1944. Citation: For gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty on 6 June 1944, in the vicinity of St. Laurent-sur-Mer, France. On the morning of D-day Pvt. Barrett, landing in the face of extremely heavy enemy fire, was forced to wade ashore through neck-deep water. Disregarding the personal danger, he returned to the surf again and again to assist his floundering comrades and save them from drowning. Refusing to remain pinned down by the intense barrage of small-arms and mortar fire poured at the landing points, Pvt. Barrett, working with fierce determination, saved many lives by carrying casualties to an evacuation boat Iying offshore. In addition to his assigned mission as guide, he carried dispatches the length of the fire-swept beach; he assisted the wounded; he calmed the shocked; he arose as a leader in the stress of the occasion. His coolness and his dauntless daring courage while constantly risking his life during a period of many hours had an inestimable effect on his comrades and is in keeping with the highest traditions of the U.S. Army.

PINDER, JOHN J., JR., Technician Fifth Grade, U.S. Army, 16th Infantry, 1st Infantry Division. Place and date: Near Colleville-sur-Mer, France, 6 June 1944. Entered .service at: Burgettstown, Pa. Birth: McKees Rocks, Pa. G.O. No.: 1, 4 January 1945. Citation: For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity above and beyond the call of duty on 6 June 1944, near Colleville-sur-Mer, France. On D-day, Technician 5th Grade Pinder landed on the coast 100 yards off shore under devastating enemy machinegun and artillery fire which caused severe casualties among the boatload. Carrying a vitally important radio, he struggled towards shore in waist-deep water. Only a few yards from his craft he was hit by enemy fire and was gravely wounded. Technician 5th Grade Pinder never stopped. He made shore and delivered the radio. Refusing to take cover afforded, or to accept medical attention for his wounds, Technician 5th Grade Pinder, though terribly weakened by loss of blood and in fierce pain, on 3 occasions went into the fire-swept surf to salvage communication equipment. He recovered many vital parts and equipment, including another workable radio. On the 3rd trip he was again hit, suffering machinegun bullet wounds in the legs. Still this valiant soldier would not stop for rest or medical attention. Remaining exposed to heavy enemy fire, growing steadily weaker, he aided in establishing the vital radio communication on the beach. While so engaged this dauntless soldier was hit for the third time and killed. The indomitable courage and personal bravery of Technician 5th Grade Pinder was a magnificent inspiration to the men with whom he served.

ROOSEVELT, THEODORE, JR., Brigadier General, U.S. Army. Place and date: Normandy invasion, 6 June 1944. Entered service at: Oyster Bay, N.Y. Birth: Oyster Bay, N.Y. G.O. No.: 77, 28 September 1944. Citation: for gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty on 6 June 1944, in France. After 2 verbal requests to accompany the leading assault elements in the Normandy invasion had been denied, Brig. Gen. Roosevelt's written request for this mission was approved and he landed with the first wave of the forces assaulting the enemy-held beaches. He repeatedly led groups from the beach, over the seawall and established them inland. His valor, courage, and presence in the very front of the attack and his complete unconcern at being under heavy fire inspired the troops to heights of enthusiasm and self-sacrifice. Although the enemy had the beach under constant direct fire, Brig. Gen. Roosevelt moved from one locality to another, rallying men around him, directed and personally led them against the enemy. Under his seasoned, precise, calm, and unfaltering leadership, assault troops reduced beach strong points and rapidly moved inland with minimum casualties. He thus contributed substantially to the successful establishment of the beachhead in France.

B A C K T O N O R M A N D Y


June 5, 2006

Well Fuck Me Runnin'

99 Hotties - Almost 100 of the hottest girls around!

Went on the Big M Casino boat out of Ft Myers this past weekend, and I'm $300 richer thanks to some handy blackjack work. But they don't give away free booze like they do in Las vegas. And at $5.50 a pop for a jack & coke, I figure me and the casino boat came out about even at the end of the night.

You may have defeated my Southern Hook Palm technique, but can you defeat the 1000 styles of Rumsfeld?

This is pretty cool... copy the link below to try it out. Ignore all the crazy Russian on the site, just type your name in the text box and click to see what your name looks like in Russian ...very cool! - Tim

More reasons why Japanese television rocks. Here's an episode of a show called Silent Library, where contestants suffer more and more outrageous tortures without being able to utter a sound. Funny shit, man. Then, to run with the international theme for a bit, first take a look at a comparison between Swedish and British nightclubs (it's a powerpoint presentation, so give it a few secs to load...).

Great Job! Really enjoy the site. Here's some content from where I work. Bikini Babes! Hope you Like. - DJ Bobnoxious

Remember about three or four years ago, a car carrier loaded with all kinds of expensive Volvos, Audis, and BMW's sank during a storm during a run to the UK? Well here's some pictures of the salvage of the ship itself. They had to cut the whole fucking thing into pieces and haul each one to the surface. Mangled cars included!

This past Saturday was the MTV Music awards it was Jessica Alba's winning of Sexiest performance that really got me horny.

And finally, something we've ALL been waiting to see. One of those assholed pulling wheelies on a crotch rocket goes down HARD. Snaps his leg in a nice 90 degree compound fracture, and his friends don't know what street they're on when they call 911. Of course, the asshole holding the camera doesn't set it down to help until the very end. That's what friends are for!

the complete picture archive of anyone who's been duct taped to a wall

...making a raft out of gatorade bottles and rowing it across the charles river is certainly an accomplishment...


June 3, 2006

Can I Set Up Weekly Deliveries, Please?

You know what they say, idle hands do the devil's work.

This is a website that translates the links on a given site into graphical format. Whatchu mean? Well, I'll show you... here's the main "ENTER" page of EHOWA. Now here's one set for HOME. And just for kicks... eBay!

This is what happens when you ask your 16 year old son to cut the grass and take out the trash. Jeep was moved into back yard the night before so it would be safe from flying rocks when mower was used by driveway. "Hmmmm," son thought, "I'll burn the cardboard instead of bringing it to the alley". Wooooosh! Flash fire! (He has no hair on his legs now.) Gas can, which wife had just filled with $13.00 in gas for yard cutting, bursts into flames... Son panics and tosses can... under my Jeep. To make things worse I was on duty and was dispatched to my own house. I arrived before the Fire Department and ran to the back yard to see my fully involved prized possession turning into an inferno. Quick note when dealing with an insurance company, don't keep maintenance records in glove box. This makes proving your mileage a bit tougher. - Dave

Somehow I feel like she's standing on her lastleg there. Art! Art! Art!

Since you're familiar with the troopers in Upstate New York, I'm sure you know that they don't really mess around when it comes to speeding... especially in a work zone. I was traveling just west of Schenectady in a 65 that quickly dropped to a 45 work zone. I was in the process of slowing from 72 to 50 when !BAM!, there he was, the Sergeant Dollard himself (yes, I remember the name). He nabbed me. He wrote me a ticket for 62 in a 45, as he should have. Afterall, if I was working on the side of the road I wouldn't want some jackass speeding by me endagering my life. I should add that the trooper was quite professional and courteous. Anyway, I took your advice. I was extra courteous to the officer, followed your suggestions regarding hands on the wheel, pulling over at a convenient location (rest area after a 'thumbs up') etc, but as stated earlier still got the ticket. So... I made the trip from MA back to NY to appear in court. I pleaded my case that I'm a salesman and a good driving record was important to me. The assitant DA sympathized with me and dropped it to a $100 parking ticket! Whoo Hoo!!! Sorry for the long winded letter, but I just wanted to let you know that your advice saved my ass. In addition, I definately learned my lesson. Thanks! Love the site! Keep fighting the good fight brother! - Steve

Fun-nay. Check out this spoof of MTV Cribs - Star Trek style! Complete with their own unorthodox decorations.

good news - space invaders in 3-d. bad news - i can't figure out how to hit anything

good news - there's a new kind of gunship patrolling iraq. bad news - it's your family suv


June 2, 2006

Aw, My Beer Is Getting Warm.

A little more follow up on the reefing of the USS Oriskany. Some video of the actual sinking. Some video shot by Navy EOD divers to verify the wreck's placement. And some cool pictures shot by a local dive shop there in Pensacola. See, three things I just did for you there.

Anyone planning on not practicing safe sex might want to give this chart a peep. But I think the last one (oral/anal sex) leaves out one possible risk: bad breath.

Fun with spam! This guy has a text to speech engine reading off his spam, all set to a nice soundtrack. Good clean fun.

wakey! wakey! eggs and bakey!

this is pretty cool for you engineering nerds. build a walking stick machine (trust me it's cool)


June 1, 2006

Today, You Have The Floor.

Well, today I'm going to turn the floor over to you guys with a little reader feedback action. So don't say I never did anything for ya.

But before I do, let me first mention a new site I started called... Ernie Street! It's nothing fancy, just me and three other people are going to each post two links per day. Some of mine will be cross posts from EHOWA, which is blocked by a lot of corporate & government firewalls. The design is clean. The links are eclectic. And we'll try to keep the thumbnails safe for work.

We’ve been fans of your site for many years, but never submitted any material (although someone near us did since the May 2nd Baptist "Sex Matters" billboard is about 2 miles from our house). Anyway – in April a bunch of us rode our bikes 165 miles from Houston to Austin, TX. 13,000 cyclists partake in this event. Our team of 5 themed the weekend "Two in the…" you know what I mean. When we weren’t making our "gang" signs, we were yelling "Alabama Hot Pocket" and "Alaskan Pipeline" as we pedaled down the road. When the ride was over, I was browsing your site and saw the "Iraqi shocker" image…and of course sent it to my riding friends. Then today, I saw the "Disney shocker" image and decided it was time to share our photos. The "cycling shocker 1" image was taken at about 6:00 am in the morning before we headed out for day 2 of the ride. The "cycling shocker 2" image was taken at about 2:00 in the afternoon after we’d completed the ride. On the first picture, the guy on the left…is he used to women with three playholes or what?? Thanks for the entertainment! - Jennifer J.

Wow, what a surprise, thanks Jen!

I recently graduated from the fire academy and gave the "student speech". After the ceremony we went out for drinks and these pics are from the ride home and at home. My classmates treated me like the man of the hour. Just thought you may like to post them. I give you full right/privelage to use them as you please. - Mike B.

Hmmm, I'll try to remember that face the next time I have to call 911 for something.

I've been a regular visitor to your site for years now. I thought it was about time I contribute something fun or interesting for you to possibly share online. After doing a little searching around the net, I came across a "Nude Patch" for Half-Life 2. I doubted it would actually work, but went ahead and installed it anyways. How freakin' cool! Check out this in-game footage I took last night. Enjoy! - Mike M.

Somehow my old Liesure Suit Larry just doesn't cut it anymore.

Ernstabator, I went Deep Sea fishing (50 idiots on the side of the boat) in San Diego last week - it rocked! Check out the fish's bugged out eyes from ripping him off the bottom of the ocean - can you say "Decompression Sickness?" Hey - can you hook a brother up? Purging more exercise equipment - this time a stationary bike - the last time you posted it as a link on your site, I got 38,000 hits and sold it for twice what I thought I'd get - If you can, I'd appreciate it. Hope you're not sweating the prospects of getting tagged in another hurricane! At least not yet, anyway.. HA! Take care, Puddy

Some more eBay fun. Anyone for a little Six Wheelin? No? Perhaps you're not feeling that lucky then? Don't think you can pick a winner today?

I'm a manufacturer of children's jewelry, an industry that used to be huge in Rhode Island, until people figured out that importing from China was cheaper. The local dealers have been negotiating trades for patriotic themed material with the 4th of July coming up, and we came across an American flag pin that somebody tried to sell us in bulk. I'm sending you an attachment of a picture of one of the pins. The damn thing is made in China. A pin, of the American flag, made in China. And by the way, the quality is much worse than American made pins. I'm hoping you could send out a reminder to your readers that we need to all take a closer look at what we buy, and make sure that as much as possible is American made. It's important for the economy, and it's easy to forget. Thanks Ernie, keep up the good work with the site! - Alex

bmw driving maniac evades police for hours, then crashes.


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