E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Remember: Pumpkin Is A Noun, Not A Verb.

Well, Halloween is upon us, so you know what that means. Christmas is right around the corner. Yep, we haven't even dropped candy into kids bags yet and the stores already have Christmas decorations out... and we still have one more holiday to go before we get there! Kind of fucked up, isn't it?

And you thought your Halloween decorations were cool? Check out what one of my readers, Ralph Schwartz, did in his front yard. Top that and you'll get your very own page on EHOWA, too! And let's not forget Alek's interactive Hulk'oween cam!

I also added four more contestants to the Best Tits contest. Still time to get yoru entries in, too! Oh and this is how Red Sox fans enjoy the offseason.

Sooo.... I thought brunettes were supposed to be smarter than blondes? If that's true, why is it that this brunette sounds dumber than a bag of rocks? And not the regular rocks either, the really dumb ones. Oh, and she takes her clothes off after she mumbles out her airport security story. Eat your heart out, blondie.

Leann Tweeden, a co-host of the Best Damn Sports Show Period, has my permission to shake her laffy taffy whenever she wants. Especially if she lets me use my box of drug evidence on her. Because I'd be Ever Faithful to that ass!

south park brought us the halloween spooky fish. now this nutjob from nh brings us the spooky haunted doll

an annual halloween favorite - awesome pumpkin carving with grumpkins.com!

Why I Still Prefer Internet Explorer Over Firefox.

Everybody has an opinion about everything. And given we all surf the web, Internet Explorer vs Firefox is no exception to the rule. One has been a steadfast cornerstone of the internet. One is from a small company that fights back against the man. One is as widely accepted as a credit card. One is almost a status symbol of your unwillingness to conform. Personally, I think they do pretty much the same fucking thing and don't really give a shit which I use. With one exception, which I will explain to you and hopefully you'll understand why I prefer IE over Firefox.

Take a look in the bottom of your browser window, you'll see a status bar. You'll know it's a status bar because it will say, "Often imitated but never duplicated! The ORIGINAL Ernie's House of Whoop Ass!!" Yep, that's your status bar. Now, pass your mouse over this link, and take a look at the status bar again. The status bar text changed to, "http://www.doubleagent.com/". Neat huh? Now that worked for both IE and Firefox users alike, because it was just a plain old link.

But unfortunately, life ain't always plain or old. Sometimes it gets a little complicated. For example, one thing to understand from my perspective is times arise where I must -- MUST -- track the traffic I send to other sites. I do so by using a service linkfacts.com -- which by the way has given me absolutely zero trouble since I switched to it a few months ago. So when I want to monitor traffic sent to a specific link -- example the Lost Season 3 promos -- instead of just linking directly to it and never knowing how many people clicked on it, or from what continents they come from (important since English speaking visitors are more valuable to English speaking sites), how many are repeat visitors, etc... I use linkfacts. I do this by adding the link into their database and getting a unique link number in return.

Now the first link people can easily interpret, see where it goes, and can make a judgement call if they think it's something you might like to check out. The second one is kind of cryptic, you don't really know where the fuck it's going to send you. So, if you're using Internet Explorer, what I can do is add some javascript code that puts text in the status bar, and tells you where it's really going. As an example, pass over this link and what it displays in your status bar.

You folks using Firefox don't understand what just happened, because the special code I use to display the text isn't recognized by your browser. You only saw "http://www.meatspin.com/" and not the text "try this link and you will by hypnotized!!".

So what the fuck does this all mean? Well, to use a "live" example, in order for me to track how many people went to the last Game Challenge, I used this link. Those folks using Internet Explorer can see the genuine destination of the link displayed in your status bar, which is http://www.funflashgames.com/chainletters.htm. Where as those of you using Firefox can only see http://www.linkfacts.com/l.php?l=6490 and don't know what the fuck was up or whether the link is safe to click on or not.

Which is why I like Internet Exploder better than Firefox. Now, if any of you Firefox weenies know a way for me to accomplish this mouseover code in a manner compatible with your browser, I challenge you to tell me. It would certainly give me something to smile about.

Oh, and for those of you who wanted more images from my scrotal ultrasound, here they are. That image was taken with a waterproof camera by the way, since the doc didn't want to get dirty. Who's dirtier? This girl, this girl, or this girl?

the top ten scariest games. the fact that doom3 is ranked all the way back at #6 is bullshit!

clerks 2 in its entirety is available for online viewing. dunno how long this will last so you better hurry.

Getting Turned All Topsy Turvey.

As the century turned, one of the biggest attractions at Coney Island's "Luna Park" was its private herd of elephants, which roamed freely. A favorite was Topsy, a three-ton tusker whose great strength had been put to use building the attractions that made Coney Island so much fun. But Topsy had a temper. She killed three men in three years, the last a drunk who had fed her a lit cigarette. Topsy had to go. But how? The authorities fed her carrots laced with cyanide. She wolfed them down without effect. Topsy was one tough elephant. Thompson & Dundee, who owned Luna Park, decided to turn Topsy into a moral issue -- and to make a profit at the same time.

They announced that man-killer Topsy would be publically hanged for her crimes.

The ASPCA protested: Hanging was cruel and inhuman punishment. After all, hadn't New York State just replaced the gallows with a modern electric chair? All right, said Thompson and Dundee. Coney Island has a powerful electrical plant -- we'll FRY Topsy! But to pull it off, they needed top-shelf technical support. And that's where Thomas Edison came in. Edison at the time was engaged in his own free-for-all, battling George Westinghouse for control of America's electric infrastructure. Edison had declared that his direct current system was safe, but that Westinghouse's alternating current was a deadly menace. To prove it, Edison had been publically electrocuting dogs and cats for years. And it was Edison who had convinced New York to use Westinghouse's "deadly" AC for their electric chair. Topsy offered an opportunity that Edison couldn't resist. What better way to demonstrate the horrible consequences of alternating current than to roast a full-grown elephant?

Edison sent over a crack team of technicians -- and a film crew. Topsy was led to a special platform, the cameras were set rolling, the switch was thrown. It took only ten seconds. Edison later showed the film to audiences across the country to prove his point. In the end, it made no difference. AC beat out DC, but both Edison and Westinghouse prospered. In fact, Westinghouse was awarded the Edison Medal for "meritorious achievements in the development of the alternating current system."

That wasn't much consolation to Topsy, who was dead, nor to Luna Park, which was eventually destroyed in a horrible fire. Today, nothing remains of either except for Edison's film.

bad comedian vs two angry lesbians int he crowd. this ain't gonna be pretty

for all of youhellboy enthusiasts, never fear. it almost never happened, but hellboy 2 will begin production in the upcoming year

They'll Make Your Breath Smell Good, Too.

Well, I talked to C.R.O.W. and two of the little baby rats wouldn't take any food and ended up not making it. But on the flip side, the other three are doing well and have healthy appetites. So, if trained people with an assload of experience fostering these tiny critters only managed to save three of them, odds are I wouldn't have been so lucky.

Game Challenge. Who is the current leader in Chain Letters? Is it Lisa? Noooooo. Is it Durk? Noooo. How about Chip? Uh-uh. It's Malcom. Everyone else was close but not close enough.

I'll give you people a few more days to try to beat Malcom. But hey, it's going to be tough conquer. And then we'll move on to our next challenge. But don't send me any scores yet, as any more and my head will spin.

why you should remove your bore sight before you start shooting your rifle

in 1984, stanley kubrick placed ads for aspiring actors to send in audition tapes for "full metal jacket". this is one of them...

this is why cops in america carry guns

I Don't Have a Good Costume This Year.

I had debated going as Duffman but didn't pick up the materials in time. Then I remembered I found by glasses from basic training, so I figured I'd go as Hank Hill. That didn't pan out either. Everything I think of gets rejected. So now I'm lost. I want something that's going to shock people but at the same time have a classic feel to it.

And while I'm not a professional, but I do know how to tell if your daughter is gay.

Well, I guess now we know how GWB rolls. It does look a little fucked up because it's so tall though. It just looks so out of proportion, yet somehow still priceless. Hey, along those lines but not, remember me bitching about how much I hate those fucking yellow ribbon magnets people put on their cars? Well these folks summed it up nicely for me. Speaking of which, LBEH 2006 kicks off in a week or so, so make sure you're prepared!

Precisely why you shouldn't take your work home with you, folks. Just when you think you're on top of something, it blows up in your face.

Wow. Wow. That's all I can manage to say at the moment. At first I marveled at the beauty and then like Lee says, I got down to the last three photos and things just went awry.

Fighting with Jessica Biel. Oh how I have longed to hear those sweet delicious words.

a little dated, but someone from nyc has a nice photo set of the corey liddle plane crash

so you think all strippers are bimbos and pole dancing is easy huh? well, try your hand at it, mister!

No Seriously, C'mon In.

We have a total of 8 entries in the Best Tits Contest so far. I do have a big ass blurb to post about the prizes everyone is getting, I just wanna ping a few sponsors first. So while the end details are not finalized yet, please keep em comin ladies!

And you picked a good time to visit too, because my FEMA check just got here. And you know what that means: i see new holder for my iPod is in my future. And maybe go out for a little snackey-snack.

So the Top Five Manliest Female Celebrities were named this week. Hillary Swank and Sarah Jessica Parker were no surprise, but Jessica Simpson? C'mon, nobody with a body that shakes like this can possibly be manly. And to suggest it is, well, that's just poor judgement.

If you wanna see an example of bad timing when it comes to text sensitive advertising, check out this CNN screen capture. If you wanna see some very filthy violence, here is the place to do it. And if you want to see some Russian chick (she says her name but I'll be damned if I can understand her... had to read it at the end) bend in ways that I don't think God ever intended for a human to bend... then this is your lucky day. Because while you may be having a good one, Jamie and Adam are not.

Oh, and before I forget. I disqualified oner person for submitting what I believe to be a digitally edited photo for the most recent Game Challenge. So for a short while, Bud was the man in Chain Letters. And by a little while, I mean about an hour until Simon came along. And Simon thought he was the man, right up until Wall came along. And he continues to be the current champion. That is, unless you want to try to knock these three guys off their pedestal.

Well, Halloween is right around the corner and you know what that means. Yep, time to break out some spooky stuff. That Easter Bunny, he sure is a sneaky one. And he's, well, watching over me. Help.

in the perfect example of art imitated life -- play black ops: korean conflict!

everything you ever wanted to know or see about the inside of a nike sneaker factory. child labor not included

I'd Be Afraid To See The Waitress.

Fear comes in many forms. Sometimes fear is just mass hysteria that's been whipped into a whirlwind by current events. Sometimes fear is having to haul ass out of a military funeral when you try to protest it like fucking retards. And sometimes fear is just going to sleep . So try to face your fears head on, whatever they may be.

Man, one thing I do miss about New England this time of the year, are the beautiful mountain views. But hey, I guess Florida has it's moments, too.

And while I'll preface this next video by saying I'd sooner have screwdrivers shoved into my ears than listen to Creed, it's a great tribute to the dog we all helped, Gypsy (thanks Monica!). By the way she is doing terrific and was even given an honorary best in show by a local pit bull association. Take a long slow ugly walk down memory lane.

Now please go about ya business!

remember the 'oceanic air' 747 that was used in the movie 'executive decision'? well the actual plane they used is still going strong...

instead of saving for your child's college education, why don't you spend a little for it?

Would That Be A Locked Treasure Chest?

Republicans are starting to save money in Washington by not buying bookmarks anymore. They recommend you just bend over a page.

Looks like McDonalds might have a problem with their spokesperson!

Contrary to what you might think, your myspace page sucks. But in your defense, it doesn't suck enough to be listed in the Myspace Sucks Countdown

ten timeless lessons from my friend and yours.... benjamin Fucking franklin!

Today Begins Oktoberfest!

The local German/American club is kicking off their Oktoberfest celebration today! That means three days of debauchery this weekend, and three days of debauchery next weekend! Woo hoo! So don't expect timely updates, baby!

Are you still cool? This test is based on how cool you were in high school and what crowd you ran with, etc.. But it's still pretty accurate by today's standards. You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed. So let's see... Are you still a cool person?

So today is the day I head back to C.R.O.W. to check on the baby rats (not mice and and see how they're doing. Because they were so tiny, there was some speculation raised that they could be squirrels, but since I didn't see any mission impossible climbing ability, I'd tend to think not. Nor could I tell which was male and which was female, so maybe I can find that out now, too.

Now, in its eighth year, the Gumball 3000 is the world’s largest, cult car rally. It is an annual playground for celebrities, supermodels and billionaires alike, combining popular culture, adventure and eccentricity with style. Ready more at gumball3000.com! Yep, there's a fine balance between driving your car fast and driving your car too fast. Man, Jesus would be very ashamed of you, if you did that to your car.

So guys, protect your grill while you're hitch hiking around out there, there might be angry Roman soldiers running about!

there are 22,498 ernie's in the usa. 398,958 stewart's. but only 30 ernie stewart's!

it twists. it turns. it emails via blackberry. it\'s the mark foley action figure. no word on the kung fu grip

more photos of lucy clarkson's kiss her beautiful ass sign!

I Think Somebody Is Gonna Get The Axe Soon.

One thing I've never been accused of, is being a fun person to deal with in the morning. I mean you wake up an dhave to deal with all the aches and pains from the previous day's work. Maybe take a few hours to shake off a hangover. It's a bitch man. But, every once in awhile I do wake up and have something to smile about.

Fact: Canola oil is non-conductive of electricity. Fact: Computer cpus routinely operate in the 90-100 degree celcius range. Question: Can you use your computer to make french fries? Answer: Yes! (Idea originated from, but pictures no longer hosted, here.)

Okay, I know a lot of you are big fans of the new Game Challenges I've been doing, so it's time for another. So now we move on to... Chain Letters. No, it doesn't involove forwarding spam. It's a word play game where you simply have to form words using letters that are adjascent to each other. My tip to you is, don't go sequentially down the tiles. Instead, look for a vowel and work from there. If you get stuck, you can hit 'shuffle' and have your tiles mixed up. Plus the Game Challenge section has been updated with all the latest scores and links. I'll be posting my score later today, bitches!

Hmmm, I wonder who has the bigger udders in this picture? I can't be sure either, but I do know if the one on the left's boyfriend comes home, somebody is in for a world of shit.

uh yeah. i was considering lasix surgery right up until i watch this fucking video. i couldn't make it past the eye shaving part

you have a better chance of a meteor landing on your house than you do dying on a five mile bus trip

And This Little Piggy Had A Beer And A Shot!

I was thinking about finally getting enough balls to buy a motorcycle, but don't know if I will be able to work on it myself. I might need some help.

And on this week's episode of Guess What The Fuck I Am, can you guess before the third picture?

hmmm, when i moved from ma to fl, ma went up one notch, but fl went up 9. i bring smartly!

tommy lee jones was al gore\'s roommate, and james caan was a rodeo rider. huh, whooda thunk it?

There, All Safe And Sound.

Well, you can all rest easy now, my orphaned baby rats are all taken care of now. No, I didn't sell them to an Asian food vendor, I turned them over to C.R.O.W. which is a local wildlife rehabilitation clinic. I was turned on to them after visiting three veterinary hospitals here in Cape Coral. The first was Ike's vet. And his staff was so un-fucking-helpful -- the three whores working the front desk barely taking time out of their hen conversation to acknowledge me -- not only did I leave there pissed off but I took Ike's medical records with me because I decided to find a new vet right on the spot. Fuck them. Second was Kindness Animal Hospital and they're the ones that suggested C.R.O.W. but the pickup would have to be at their other location. So I drove there and the staff oohed-and-ahhed over the cute little bastards and then helped coordinate me driving the little buggers out to Sanibel Island where C.R.O.W. is located. In fact, the folks at Kindness were so helpful, they're Ike's new vet. Anyway, made a donation to CROW (voluntarly, thank you very much) and after repeatedly grilling the staff to make sure euthanasia is nowhere in their vocabulary, reluctantly handed the box'o'rats over to their head veterinarian. She looked them over while I filled out some paperwork, and later assured me that aside from being a little hungry, they looked to be in good health. No diseases or nothing. I can even go visit on Mondays and Fridays if I want. So, the Munsters' future looks bright indeed. They'll be rehabilitated and released back into the wild and no doubt be getting into my garbage before you know it.

Dude, that is so cool, I dedicated a whole page to it. Pop that popcorn, it's an hour and a half long!

Someone sent in this link to the birth of boomboxes and man did that bring back memories. Makes me think back to when Radio Raheem was teaching me about love and hate. My how time flies. Today everyone has cellphone and nobody has land lines anymore. Shit, I bet I'm still the only webmaster who still codes their entire site by hand anymore. Fight The Power.

if yourr children know all lyrics to "my humps", you might be a redneck

here's the coolest video of 18,400 gallons of exploding paint that you'll see all day

20 things the average person doesn't know about windowx xp

Five Blind Rats, See How They Fall.

So it's Sunday afternoon and I get the bright idea to cut down some o fthe twenty or so coconuts that are hanging from one of my palm trees. It's that time of the year, and a few had fallen down already and since this tree is a favorite spot for the dogs, I didn't want any more coming down at an in opportune time and crowning Ike. So a tree trimming I went. And a falling the cocunuts went. And as I'm cleaning up, I spot this little gray wiggling thing in the grass. I look closer and recognize a baby rodent -- later I'd come to identify them as fruit rats (aka palm rats or roof rats). And then I realized that there was one, two, three....five of them. All sprawled out around the tree, all shiving cold. They evidently fell from the tree during violent shaking that happens with the sawing motion. How they didn't get squashed by the falling coconuts is anyone's guess. And then I realized one of the palm stems I just cut down held their nest, which now lay in ruins on the ground. Shit.

Now I know, what you're gonna say. They're rats. They're a nuisance. They're all over in Florida.

I know. But regardless, I just couldn't leave them out there at the mercy of Mother Nature. Ospreys, snakes, and owls... Oh my! You see, if their nest had come down in a storm or something, then they're fair game. Mufasa's circle of life and all that jazz. But it didn't. It came down because I wanted to make my tree look a little nicer. Which by the code of Ernie Law, means I'm responsible for 'em now. So before I knew it, there were five infant rats wriggling around in a towel I had warmed in the microwave. (The towel, not the rats). I bought some baby formula, mooched a tiny medicine dispense from the Publix pharmacy, and used my snazzy Food Saver to make some hot water packets that I switch on and off for warmth.

I think a trip to the vet might be in order this am, to see if we can't get a little fluids into them... two of the three's skin will stay tented when it's pinched, meaning they're dehydrated. Feeding has been a little rough, since the medicine dispenser is actually a little too big so they end up wearing more formula than they drink. So maybe I'll even pick up an eyedropper. The plan is to nurse em along until they're independent and then release em in some mangroves a few miles from here. I know, drastic measures for pests. But you have to remember, growing up our household played animal shelter to untold numbers of abandoned mice, squirrels, birds, and yes, even a rat or two. I couldn't turn my back on these little fuckers and be able to live with myself afterwards. It just wouldn't be right.

So keep Herman, Lily, Marilyn, Grampa and Eddie in your thoughts. Wish me luck.

halloween is almost here...find the nearest haunted house to you here!

hmmm, so i wonder what your girlfriend's whore score is?

get your very own god figurine at the jesus christ superstore. but you can't get an allah though

Guess What Day Today Is?

If you said Friday the 13th, then you're FUCKIN WRONG! If you said the start of the 2006 Best Tits on the List Contest, then you're FUCKIN RIGHT!

As always, for every lady that enters, EHOWA donates $10 to breast cancer research. Our 2005 donation was $300 since we had 30 entries. Plus this year we're going to make sure nobody walks away empty handed. We're going to be giving away prizes to every single gal who enters. And that's on top of our traditional prizes of $250 for Best Tits winner, $150 for Runner Up, and each of the three categories (Best Nipples, Most Perky, and Best Implants) getting $75!

The rules are simple:

So c'mon gals, whip out those cameras and whip out those boobs! You know it's for a great cause... I love boobies! Oh, and for breast cancer research, too. Mail your entries to 2006@ehowa.com!

some really cool fucking cars from the paris auto show. don't worry, only one of the cars is french.

awww, she looks like a little angel when she sleeps. seepie seepie...

So Why Didn't He Just Use The Parachute?

If I didn't tell you I have mixed emotions about Cory Lidle plane crash, I'd be lying to you. On one hand, he was a husband, a father, and from what I can tell a good role model. On the other hand he was, well, a Yankee. Me and another webmaster, James from Metadish, always go round and round since his being a Yanks fan and my being a Sox fan make us sworn enemies. I always tell him I hope for Johnny Damon to die from AIDS, and he reports by wishing a heart attack upon Big Papi. And while I really, really, really do wish Damon gets AIDS, I can't say that I'd wish any harm upon Lidle simply because he's not a money-hungry-backstabbing-traitorous-son-of-a-whore-who-turned-his-back-on-the-most-loyal-fans-in-baseball-who-loved-him-dearly. Well, maybe I'd hope for a broken arm if he's due to pitch to the Sox that day, but that'd be it. But one thing I can't understand is, if he was having trouble with his plane, why the fuck didn't he just use the plane's built in emergency parachute, instead of trying to slalom through downtown Manhattan and risk crashing into a building? And they found his logbook? So fucking what. I mean do you really expect the last entry to read, "13:00 turning towards big fucking building."

Well, either way, so so long Cory Lidle, we hardly knew ye. Oh, and last week I posted a link to some chick named Coco but I didn't know who she was -- well she's Ice-T's wife. There, so that settles that.

Sorry buckaroo, but I can't post stuff like that anymore since the revisions of U.S.C. 2257 went into effect last year. We have George W and the former Attorney General John Ashcroft to thank for that little bound and gagged rule. But on the up side, I can post these girls gambling since they're not actually doing anything other than just getting naked. Now, had they been touching themselves or each other, then I couldn't post it at all. And while I suspect this woman wants black cock, I couldn't show you if she actually did. See the difference? And the stupid thing is, I can't post said fart-blooper video because the chick was licking the guy's ass for the first few seconds, but posting this is perfectly ok. Can anyone make sense of that? I can't. In fact it's a mystery to me.

So there you have it folks, have fun driving his neighbors nuts. Let's just hope they don't solve their problems the Amish way... with guns. Oh, and looks like Keith takes the gold with 56 seconds. Some other dude sent in one with 58 seconds, but it was so fucking small I'm not posting it. New game challenge tomorrow.

what happens to your body if you stop smoking RIGHT NOW

doom fans rejoice! the high impulse energy weapon - aka the BFG9000 - is here!

Well, That Didn't End Well.

I hate cats. Cats are stupid.

'cause this is thriller, thriller night! and no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike!

speaking of german. this knockoff of seasame street. is. uh. really. really. weird. really weird.

I Wonder If I Can Pay With My New $3 Bill?

Kim Jong better watch his ass. Look at what happened to the last Korean to challenge a guy in American Flag tights. And as odd as it sounds, I kind of miss the Soviets. Sure they were our arch enemy and copied everything we did, but at least they were predictable and knew they weren't crazy fuckers bent on destroying the world.

Dude, I don't even wanna know how of all the places on the internet, you navigated your way there. Just do what you gotta do and report back to me when you're done.

uhhhhh, this girl totally freaks me out. the strips of skin collected on the table leave me fucking speechless

Holy Shit. He Must Be Reawwy Wonery.

But dude, when you get wonrey, there are good and bad ways to make yourself feew betta! Fiwing off weapons of mass destwuction is not one of dem! Yur bweakin my baws here Kim, yur bweaking my baws! You hear me you buttfucking piece of shit! You gonna cause da end of da world, mmkay?

I say is DPRK wasnts nukes, we give em to em. One at a time.

Because ladies and gentlemen, you can't place an online ad to find the right person you should marry. You're never going to find a the person who's the right fit for you. Now THIS is the right way to do it. Oh, and Keith is int he lead.

nine reasons to become an evil villan instead of a superhero

the 2007 serial killer calendar. charles manson says happy new year!

A Throwback To The 70's Man.

So on Saturday someone sent me this link to the Best Zombie Films of All Time If you look, number two is one of my favorite movies, 1978's Dawn of the Dead. The original one, too not the piece of shit remake that did a few years ago. Anyway, one of my favorite non-zombie scenes is the gang hanging out killing time in an old school arcade. So I went and did some web searches, and low and behold, I remember going to a Time Out when I was a little fucker. It was only there for a few years before it was ripped out in favor of something newer, but I definitely remember the old school look.

And if the name Dario Argento doesn't ring a bell, his daughter is Asia, who was in XXX and Land of the Dead. Oh, and she also took her clothes off at some point.

And the next hottest movie comign out? Me thinks Ghost Rider with Nicholas Cage. Personally, I don't like all the CGI crap they're putting into movies nowadays, but I've always liked the man vs the Devil theme.

this korean elevator looks pretty dangerous. or... is it?

one brave peeping tom - he actually brought a video camera with him. check out the footage

Your Nuts And You. Or Rather, My Nuts And You.

Today, we're going to talk about my nuts. Or more specifically, my right nut.

You see, about a week ago, I was noticing my right nut was a little tender to the touch. Not bad; I wouldn't say there was any pain per say, but just a little more discomfort than usual when things were getting banged around. I didn't pay much attention to it, just figured I pulled something lifting weights. That is, until this past weekend when I was watching TV and doing an Al Bundy, and what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a lump on my ball! Immediately I'm like, "What in the Jesus H Christ On A Wheat Cracker is This?!"

So I gave myself a little closer inspection and aside from this little hard spot, about the size of a BB, everything looked normal. Everything felt even on both sides, there was no swelling, nothing. But, given (a) I don't have any medical experience, plus (b) pain + lump = bad, plus (c) testicular cancer is the most common form of cancer among males age 15 to 44... I decided I had better get my balls to a doctor ASAP.

So for the remainder of the weekend, my imagination was of course going nuts (hee hee). Logically you can sit there and rationalize that the chances of getting The Big Casino are pretty low, but since it does happen, why not to me? Could I be, "one of those guys?" Could it, "happen to me?" How would this affect my favorite joke, "What's got four legs and three balls? Me and Tom Green!" Would the punch line to the new joke be too long, "What's got six legs and three balls? Me and Tom Green and Lance Armstrong?" Since I shave my head already, would anyone notice if all my hair fell out? Could I save a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico?

All these questions needed answers, and fucking quick. Like always, I don't go to the doc unless my fucking leg is falling off, but you fuck with a guy's plumbing and you play by a different set of rules. First thing Monday morning, I was on the tele booking the first available appointment which was 3:30 that day. Both me and my nuts trembled with anticipation. Would I soon be looking down and seeing only one twig and one berry? Time to find out.

And of course, the receptionist at the doc's office was hot. Of course. "What are you here for?" "Lump in right testicle." "Uh-huh." "So can I get your number?" "I don't think so." I kill some time in the waiting room watching some whores on Jerry Springer debate who loves the redneck guy more, get escorted to a room, and am soon joined by the doc. And for the first in what would be several times this week, found myself having an in depth conversation about my balls with a complete stranger. But you can only talk so much before you realize that to truly experience the sweetness that is my balls, you have to hold them in your hand. And so, sigh, he did.

But it's not all homo-erotic news, as the doc reassured me that while yes he did feel the lump, he was reasonably sure it was not in the testicle itself, but in a bunch of swirly stuff called the epididymis. (Since I didn't know what the fuck the epididymis was, I'll assume you don't either. It's more or less the plumbing that resides between your testicle and the "out door", and provides the sperm a way to leave the body and so it can be deposited on your sister's face.) Now, notice he said "reasonably sure." And if I were making reservations for four in a popular restaurant, "reasonably sure" would be ok. I'd even be comfortable if my mechanic told me he was, "reasonably sure" my truck would make a cross country trip. But when you're talking to a guy about his balls -- balls which I hold very near and dear to my heart -- I'm shooting for a little more certainty.

And that brings us to where I was yesterday afternoon. And girls, if you want to make a guy cringe, use the words, "Scrotal ultrasound." Sure, we know ultrasounds are painless, but you should never use the words 'scrotal' and 'ultra' in the same sentence unless you're watching a movie with Ron Jeremy. And I wasn't. I was sitting in a waiting room looking up at the female nurse who just called my name and was soon going to be running, what amounts to a tricorder, over my twig and berries!

Of course, she first had to sap any sense of dignity I might still be holding onto by forcing me into one of those hospital gowns. Which I'll tell ya, when it's your balls at stake you really will be surprised at how many compromises you're willing to make. So gown on, flopped on the gurney, lights dimmed, warm fluid being squirted on my balls... it was almost romantic. Any by the gentle glow of the computer monitor, I found myself once again discussing the ups and down of my balls with a total stranger. I asked her if she needed me to show her where the lump was, and she assured me that no, she'd be able to find it. That kind of worried me. Suddenly I felt like a cave, some spelunkers just showed up, and I was going to be explored whether I liked it or not. And explored I was. Here, take a look for yourself!

So long story short, while I'm relieved to find nothing is out to eat my balls, I am somewhat defective... I have an epididymal cyst. But I don't have the Big Casino, which means my balls and I still have many more wonderful years together. I'd like to thank Phillips Medical Imaging department for providing me with a means to post my nuts on the internet. Again. And I'd like to thank Al Bundy for being an inspiration for allowing me find a cyst in my balls.

Once again, I hope you've appreciated this guided tour of my balls, and we certainly enjoyed having you today. Please return your seats to the full upright and locked position and prepare for returning to your normal day. And of course, as my balls are a little depressed, I know they certainly would appreciate some words of encouragement. Perhaps you can send an online get well card to them at myballs@ehowa.com. Girls maybe you can write my balls a nice poem? I happen to know for a fact that my balls are huge fans of Japanese haiku, and would absolutely love to have some written for them. I'll be posting the more heartfelt entries. But please, no rough stuff.

hey there are a lot worse things that can happen to your balls besides a cyst

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testes. testes. this is only a testes of a new video embed

I Gots Me A Doctor'S Appointment This Morning.

But no, not for family planning, for an ultrasound. And the doc told me no food or drink for 12 hours prior, but c'mon is this really necessary? Probably not, but hey, if I come out of this alive, you know what starts.

Yep, it's official. Michael Jaskcon has moved to Bahrain. I wonder if he's going to blow anybody while he's there?

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oh and i liked yesterday's SCRIBBLER so much, here's my fucking score

And They'll Be Double Shots, Too!

I know, it's very daring to post that sign. Too bad it's not at my local bar though. Because if it was, I'm not ashamed to admit I'd be there pretty much every day.

Funny. Jessica Simpson is busy trying to work the crowd, but this amateur photographer is only interested in one thing - shooting her camel toe.

Man if there's one thing I can't stand, it's how The Man spies on you. People get in a position of power and before you know it, they make complete assholes of thsemselves. And I don't think they even realize how dumb they look.

That sideways ship launching thing still freaks me out. Here's some photos of other ships being launched that way.I swear to God, if I didn't see it with my own two eyes I'd think it was all smoke and mirrors.

well now that it's been 5+ years, people can safely start being douchebags again. world trade center key for sale

this is about as much fun as watching paint dry. or corn grow, whichever reference works best for you

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Jesus Christ, what the fuck is it with guns and schools lately? Has everyone lost their fucking mind?

A few weeks ago, Birgit Smith was in Winsonsin to christen the Navy's first littoral combat ship, the USS Freedom. Make sure you check out all the pictures - it never fails to freak me out how they launch these things sideways and they don't tip over.

Anyway, in response to yesterday's ACME Batman Suit, this guy thought his was better, but somehow I disagree. In fact, I think his suit makes him look a little fat.

That looks like it'd be a scene right out of Canadian Bacon. The only thing we're missing is John Candy.

Oh, and Kurt seems to have teken the Puzzle Mania to the extreme with a score of 238,500 points. Well, any way if this article is true, I should have more money than Bill Gates by the end of the year, so, well, uh, Fuck the Police!

for a mere $185,000 you can own the original 1958 plymouth fury used in the stephen king flick, christine

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Come here little girl, would you like to give me a kiss?

Hmmm, I wonder if Stumpy ever falls down and does a nice faceplant?

Anyone remember the ACME Batman suit that Wile E. Coyote used? Yeah, so did this lady.

sesame street + martin scorsese = good clean family fun!

i'm sorry, what did you say kenny, i couldn't hear you.

and you guys wonder why the air force is the best! ha! check out these hot fighter chicks. i got dibs on BLAZE!

Guess How Many Cookies And You Can Put The Tip In.

From the, "Okay keep fucking with Mother Nature and See What Happens " Department... some asshole breeds a lion and tiger together produces a "super cat" which is called a "liger". It weighs 900 fucking pounds. Am I the only person who finds this scary? So how long do you figure until we read about this guy being eaten by his own creation? Not too long I hope. Because some things just weren't meant to be.

Wow, I bet these girls will have two very red snappers tonight.

hey ride by the skateboard, die by the skateboard. but don't cry like a little girl about it

david koresh provides the hoff with some marital and fashion advice