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February 28, 2007

It Also Doubles As A Flotation Device.

Hey I figured out why elk have long antlers.

What's little, green and frustrating? No, not beer shits, I'm talking about Puyo Puyo Fever. It's very easy to play, so help yourself.

Ernie, Thanks for your unconditional support of the troops, and thanks for the lite brite, I felt like a kid again for a minute. Matt H, Captain, USMC

Pssst, Mike. Thirteen stripes buddy, thirteen stripes! I know, I know, not enough room. Stupid Lite Brite.

Hello Ernie, I am doing a trip this summer and thought that you guys might find it interesting due to the heavy ATV content you have. I'd be glad to keep in touch if I find a sponsor through your website. Actually, I'd be glad to keep in touch either way as I am a big fan. See my website or my auction. Thank you, John M

Mmmmm drugs are bad, mmmmkay? Oh, and a quick shout out to everyone back north? You still have two more months to go.

how to break your shoulder in ten easy steps. now with video goodness!

the FLIP research vessel is the only ship in the world having the ability to flip from a horizontal position to a vertical position while at sea

February 27, 2007

Okay, Before You all Me An Asshole....

... hear me out. A few weeks ago, I got a whiney email from one of my regular readers because I said the Hensel twins creep me out. Hey I'm sorry, they do. But after reading that Wikipedia article it got me to thinking and some pretty fucked up questions came to mind. And I ask them to you not in a mocking way -- but to think seriously for a second and try to imagine what the answer could be. As a lot of these are legal matters, so let's assume we're not talking about these two(?) young girls, but instead of a fictional pair of 25 year old conjoined twins, whom we'll name TwinA and TwinB. Based upon what I have read, it seems clear they would have two separate legal identities, so keep that in mind.

For starters as per the article, each girl had to get their own drivers licenses -- so by extension TwinA and TwinB would be required to do the same. Let's say I'm sitting at a stop light and boom! I get rear ended. I get out of the car to see the other driver(s?) coming out as well. "Why did you hit him?" says TwinA. "I didn't hit him, YOU hit him!" counters TwinB. Who would be at fault? Whose driving record would the insurance fall under? If they were to get pulled over several times, could they always say TwinA was driving so that TwinB retains a clean driving record for insurance purposes? Or would they both get tickets? Could TwinB still legally drive if TwinA's license gets suspended? Or if they alternated back and forth in regards to traffic violations, could they not accumulate twice as many points as the rest of us before losing their driving privledges?

Marriage. I fall madly in love with TwinA and she accepts my proposal for marriage, even though TwinB doesn't like me. After we consummate our marriage, could TwinB have me charged with sexual assault because she was an unwilling participant? What if everything goes well through ten years of marriage, but one day TwinA decides to take me to the cleaners. Could she file for divorce and take everything I own claiming 'a ten year affair' with TwinB?

Crime. Simple shoplifting. TwinA uses the left arm to pocket a pack of gum and they try to walk out of a store. They get caught and the police are called. Can the cops legally handcuff them, given that the right side of the body is controlled by an innocent TwinB? Can the cop even put them in the back of the patrol car, given that you'd be knowingly detaining an innocent person? Or what if it got worse... TwinA gets mad at me one day, picks up a gun and shoots me in cold blood. How would the legal system handle this? Would they be incarcerated, as an innocent TwinB would be punished as well? What if one of them punched me and I wanted to take out a restraining order, but still wanted to be able to see the other? What would you do?

Victims. How about if they were the victim of a crime? What if without warning I walked up and pushed them down? I'd be charged with assault, sure. But one count or two? Drug use. If I force you to take drugs, that's a crime. So what if TwinA snorts cocaine but TwinB didn't want her to. TwinB would get high because of their shared bloodstream, and therefore suffer all the detrimental effects of drug use. Could TwinB press charges on TwinA? Again, if so, how would you punish TwinA? What about a civil suit? How would attorney - client privledge come into play given you can's really speak to one without the other overhearing?

Politics. I presume with two separate identities, they each are allowed to vote? Could one run for public office but not the other? What if they both ran for office? Could they be their own running mates? What if they ran opposite each other - one Republican and one Democrat? Womans Rights. As the result of my marriage to TwinA, they get pregnant, TwinA wants to have the baby, TwinB doesn't. What happens? Could they take each other to court?

Employment. I'm run a business and TwinA & TwinB come in for an interview. Would I have to hire them both? If so, would I have to pay two salaries? Or what if I only hired TwinA? TwinB is obviously going to come to work each day with TwinA. What if as a non-employee, TwinB gets hurt while on my property. Am I liable? What happens if TwinB is rude to a customer? Can I legally fire TwinA for TwinB's non-employed conduct? Would health insurance coverage be extended to TwinB as well?

Pretty fucked up, right? I kid you not. This kept me up last night. And I'm sorry, the fact they did not ask for, nor do they have any control over their situation, doesn't make them any less creepy. C'mon, be honest. If you answered your door and found a Girl Scout and a half asking, "Do you wanna buy some cookies?" tell me you wouldn't be a little freaked out. And, would you be obligated to buy two boxes or would just one be enough?

I saw this and thought- this is what Bo and Luke would have to ride if they ever got a DUI. Seen on the streets of Dublin, parked outside the GPO on O'Connell street. - Sharkbit

Hey, I bought a new plane and would love to take friends out for a ride! It's an older model and every once in a while I get stuck having to hand-prop it. - Mick

Even though World AIDS day isn't until December 1st, there's been a lot of AIDS Day crap going on lately. The new poster for Hostel 2 has Bijou Phillips' headless and topless body. And somehow through this, she's been tied to AIDS, but I'm not sure how. These two guys support AIDS too, and look at how well it worked for them.

Hey E, Thought you might like it. On Friday, February 16th my wife and I were in the Detroit airport waiting for our flight to Lansing. We were headed to Mt. Pleasant to see Queensryche, the Greatest Rock Band in the World. We saw a young soldier in the terminal and went over to him to thank him for his service. We started talking and learned that he just back from Afghanistan and that he was from Lansing and on our flight. He said he wanted to rent a car to get to his folks house to surprise them. He'd been gone for 7 months and nobody yet knew he was back. He asked me if I knew if he needed a credit card to rent a car even though he had cash. I told him that I thought you did and that we were going to a concert in Mt. Pleasant, about an hour north of Lansing, but that we would be honored to give him a ride. He accepted (I threw in a cold beer to seal the deal). We arrived at his folks place and needless to say they were surprised, I haven't seen or experienced that kind of emotion in a long time. It was overwhelming. We visited for a little while and left for our concert. We had lunch with him and his wife before our return flight on Sunday. We have new friends for life. From that trip I learned about the "Welcome a Hero Home" program we have at the DFW airport that welcomes the soldiers home at the gate (link). My wife and I have volunteered on weekends to join in the welcome and will be encouraging our local Queensryche Empire folks to join in with us. With all the negative b.s. out there on the war I think people forget that these brave souls are there as volunteers and politics aside are risking their asses for us. Hopefully more people will get involved with some kind of program to thank our heroes. Thank you. Later, Randy and Maria

Very cool, thanks guys. Hey remember the robotic arm ride? Well the robot is up on ebay and can be yours for a cool $25,000. Plus shipping.

continuing with my remote control jet powered plain fetish, now we have an f-18 to add intot he mix. gay paintjob though

February 26, 2007

A Little Sneak Peek Inside The My Life.

To get the full fun out of today's post, you will need to have Google Earth installed. Go ahead, I'll wait...

... ... ...

Good. First, let's take a trip down memory lane by looking at the house I grew up in. It was 27 Marlow Street, for those of you curious enough. If you look at the garage just to the north of my house, it was in the loft of that attic where I got my first blowjob. Thanks Kathy! The big storage lot that appears just to the west of my house actually used to be JP Mead Co, which was like a first generation Costco. And the railroad tracks running along side them led to many an adventure... such as my childhood fort My friends and I built this on the barge canal bike trails after watching Red Dawn at the theatres, as we were then convinced the Ruskies were coming. It was also the first time I discovered Lea Thompson. As of four years ago, it was still standing. The fort, that is, not my wood for Lea.

Let's see, what else did those railroad tracks lead to? Oh yeah, the first time I ever got arrested... for criminal tresspassing! Yep, the parents went out of town for a week and while the cat is away the mice will play. Me and my friends busted into this building to do a little harmless exploring. Well, harmless in the sense that we didn't damage or steal anything, not so harmless in the sense that we set off a silent alarm and were greeted by Rochester's Finest upon our exit from the building. Paddy wagons are cool.

But my brushes with the law weren't quite over. This building here used to be a Chase Pitkin, which is (was) a home improvement chain owned by Wegmans grocery stores. They've were on thin ice ever since a Home Depot or a Lowes popping up every fifty feet, but back in their prime everyone loved them. Including me. Truth be told it was just a misunderstanding, what I called an "extreme employee discount" they called grand larceny. Aw c'mon don't look at me like that. It wasn't the end of the world and we sorted it all out after awhile. And yes, I know this is just too juicy a tidbit to let slide, so more on this at some other post.

Oh and before we leave Rochester, this is where my friend Obed is buried, in the military section of Holy Sceptre cemetary.

Now enter my Air Force years, and my beloved Town Hanscom. This was my first dorm room - building 1503 room 108. Good times, good times. It was there that I discovered alcohol and his Holiness, Samuel Adams. And here's my first job in service to Uncle Sam, Electronic Systems Division, Acquisition Logistics, building 1608 second floor. Dick was my boss. The snack bar had iced tea and bagels, life was good. As a side note, when I first made that bookmark, the Google Earth maps weren't blurred out like they are now. National security folks, national security. Nothing to see here, move along.

Oh yeah, and just before I got out of the Air Force, we did a few dorm moves, and it was here, room 202 that i got crabs from that dorm skank.

But then I was a free man, casting off my yolk of service to the American people and entering our workforce for myself. This is the condo I lived at in Chelmsford, Massachusetts for seven years. It was here that EHOWA was really developed into the cornerstone of the internet that you know it as today. And just my fucking luck, it wasn't until about three months before I moved to Florida that I discovered a great bar and poolhall right around the corner from me, called Reflections. It's very well hidden and they don't do much advertising, so if you're in the neighborhood, stop on by. The vomit in the second floor mens bathroom is mine.

Oh and while I was living in Mass, this is where I had my spectacular ATV crash where I earned a concussion and seperated shoulder, and on an unrelated note, my mom died of cancer at Park Ridge Hospital in Rochester. Nice overdose of morphine, thanks guys!

Which of course brings us to present times, with me in Florida. I tried to find the exit off I-4 where Earl's brakes failed without warning, but didn't have any luck. And while you'll understand if I don't post a satellite view of my driveway, I will say that most days you can find me having lunch at Bikini Joe's on 47th Terrace. I'm the guy with the most points on NTN trivia. See you there, sucker!

Thank you Lt. Col. Bruce Crandall. I guess 42 years late is better than never!

these three words should scare you: robotic assisted prostratectomy. fast forward to 3 minutes to skip the doctors' interviews

take a fresh look at the world from many different points of view. who knew clouds = 1/1,000,000,000 of our water?

February 24, 2007

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Real quick Challenge update. I thought I was finally going to win a challenge but Mike S decided he'd come back to claim his title in Bullet Time. But no. He was denied by Will. And the current leader in String Avoider 2 is Spencer with 21:59.

the complete history of all major religions shown via maps in 90 seconds. the wars start around 570 ad

thank you burt brady. you sir are my person of the week, too.

February 23, 2007

Today Is A Sad Day.

But before I explain why, I must first explain a little about how EHOWA works. At the bottom of each post are two rows of thumbnailed links. I started using these thumbnails about six months ago after receiving numerous requests to label what links were safe for work (SFW) and what links were not safe for work (NSFW). I don't actually use that text, but figured a small photo of a pair of tits would be just as good. Anyway, I try to keep things pretty well mixed. The NSFW stuff is never anything hardcore, mostly babe galleries, a nipple slip, or some sort of sexual quiz. The SFW stuff ranges from trial runs for Game Challenges, embedded movies, news bloopers, picture galleries hosted on other sites, weird news articles, and the like.

So why is today a sad day? Well, today marks the first day that Britney Spears is mentioned not in the NSFW side like she has always been, but instead in the SFW side. She has managed to transform herself from hot little sexpot with permenantly erect nipples which I yearned for, to a total white trash Sideshow Bob. I guess you can can the girl out of the trailer park, but you just can't take the trailer park out of the girl no matter how much money you mix in. Much like my surprise with Billy Bob and Angelina, I now look back at Kevin and Britney and shake my head... who would ever have thought that he'd be the normal one?

Ciao from Italy! It's not a joke but something funny (sorry for my bad bad english) Here you can find a gallery of of motorbike expo. Look at the pictures: is it a bike expo or a fetish and bdsm expo? heheehehe Take care, Rick

In the comedy, Man of the Year, Robin Williams plays late-night comedian Tom Dobbs, who unleashes his comic rants on his way to the White House. In celebration of the Man of the Year DVD release, take this quiz to see if you can tell the difference between actual quotes from politicians and those said by the fictional Tom Dobbs. You might be surprised -- and a little excited -- to find out who said these outrageous quotes.

the coolest fucking web clock you'll ever see. everything is there, study it for a few seconds and it will all come clear to you

like to gamble? here are ten things the gambling industry won't tell you. but seriously, you should figure these out on your own

February 22, 2007

Coulrophobia noun - The Fear Of Clowns.

Wow, I guess down there in Columbia they take their circuses pretty damned serious. It's a good thing that didn't happen up in Europe though, because their clowns know how to kick ass and will literally beat the living shit out of you.

Speaking of beating the living shit out of people. Mike came close in Bullet Time, but alas, it was me -- your favorite fucking Internet God -- who came through with e win this time. Finally! I found out the trick was to crank your speakers up as loud as they'll go, so that when the gunshot goes off it more or less startled you into clicking the mouse button involunarily. See, victory through fear! So what's next on your plates to try to beat me in? Well, we're going to do a little something off our first album. Remember String Avoider? Well say hello to String Avoider 2, bitches! My time to beat is 24:23.

Ernie: I can imagine that a few of your devoted readers may drive 'performance-enhanced' small imports, with many modifications designed to enhance their speed in impromptu street racing. I have discovered a website that illustrates a system of performance enhancements that, in the case of their test-bed 2001 Sentra SE, resulted in a 2 second reduction of this car's 1/4 mile times; almost a 15% decrease! With minor adjustments, their method can be adapted to improve the performance of almost any vehicle! As a public service to your street-racing readership, please make them aware of this system. Scott.

Wow, that kind of surprised me when they took the sawand cut the top off, didn't it? Aren't tits just the greatest things ever? Well, tits and an alarm clock that makes bacon while it wakes you up. Oh, and that was Alicia Douvall, by the way. She's a British chick who's known for being exceptionally trashy, plus she did P Diddy for awhile, but ehen I repeat myself.

Subject: Re: 02/19/07 mind fuck.
Ernie, oh my God, don't DO that to us. What the hell WAS that thing? Was it a guy? A girl? Oh man, that's a visual that I really didn't need. Please tell me that's a photoshopped picture, please? That can't really exist in nature.... Jimbo

Honestly, I dunno Jimbo, I just post the weird shit that gets sent in! Like someone sent in this gallery of snow in Japan but I dunno if that's worse than the snow in Poughkeepsie, NY though, because that shit collapsed a parking garage.

February 21, 2007

Let's See HER Fucking Cat Do That.

One of the things I try very hard to avoid talking about here on EHOWA is politics. Aside from the obvious fact that who the fuck would come to a site names "Ernie's House of Whoop Ass" looking for political commentary, it's a no-win sitiation for me since I end up pissing off 50% of my readers no matter what side of an argument I take. And that's not to say that I really give a flying fuck that I've pissed someone off, I just don't want to have to leaf through the "neocon" or "neolib" emails for the next week following the post. As a side point, that in and of itself is a neat phenomenon - if I support gay marriages, I'm called a neolib(eral). If I write detailing death and destruction, I'm a neocon(servative). Which -- seriously -- both of those terms really just irritate the living shit out of me. The term neo-anything is just plain fucking dumb. But as someone who pretty much supported GWB a scant five years ago, even I'll admit it's getting harder and harder to defend the things he does -- or doesn't do -- lately. Okay, sorry, enough of that.

Don't really know how you go about this. My name's Justenn. I suck at most of the games you put up. They're fun as hell, I just smoke alot of pot, and I suck at them. Anyway, cool site man, not too many people who invest that much time into something for as long as you have. Justenn

Jesus Christ man, you smoke so much pot you spell your own name wrong. But you know what? I'm in a good mood today, so today you're going to be the high score on Bullet Time. There are others who have better reflexes than you -- for obvious reasons -- but today? Today is your day.

Wife: "Honey, we're supposed to get a big snowstorm tonight." Husband:"Okay, so park the car inside for tonight." Wife: "Okay."

how to: free huge custom poster for your wall. assuming you live in a dorm of course.

so how much average credit card debt has been rung up in your state? LIVE STATS too. i watched alabama go from $1300 to $5300 yesterday

February 20, 2007

Let's See Your Fucking Cat Do That.

Yep, inclement weather sure can be a bitch sometimes. Kind of makes me glad things have settled down a bit and I can get back to my regular routine again.

Well, for the first time in doing these Game Challenges, a score sent in on the first day has withstood the test of time. Ethan with 108,960 has won the crown on Crazy Maze. So that of course brings us to... what's next? Well, me personally, I was pretty entertained by the Bullet Time from yesterday, so let's see if you can beat 16,461

This site is a little slow to load right now, as I'm wagering their server is getting pretty overloaded but, I've been in the mood for movies from the 80's this past week or so. I bought Back To School and The Running Man, but have yet to find WarGames. I just don't feel like buying it online, I want instant gratification. And the best part about The Running Man? Richard Dawson. And the worst part? This stupidity is being passed on to our kids. That's the real shame.

behold as mother nature decides to drive up the cost of cherries this winter

behold as the folks from worth 1000 turn average everyday celebrities into works of art -- essentially they turn everyone into me

February 19, 2007

Go Prince Harry. Ya Got Balls, Kid. Be Safe.

Okay, let's start out your Monday by giving you a nice mind fuck. Pretty weird, eh?

Ok, so imagine you live in Portugal you find a lovely farm house set in a decent plot of land. The place has been empty for 15 years! Whilest exploring your new property you find a large barn in the trees. The door is padlocked shut and its all rusted solid. So you grind the padlock open and find...

Okay, educate me. I know the average schmoe can use Photoshop to digitally edit everyday pictures. But, what the hell package do you use tomake this Finger Football video? It looks home shot some something crappy like a webcam, but given the stuff happening defies physics, obviously it's massaged. Any idea?

Ryan Burke decided it would be a great idea to amass a crowd of 100s of UNC students to witness him breaking up with his girlfriend Mindy. "So here's the deal. Ryan found out his girlfriend, Mindy, had cheated on him. As such, Ryan resolved to humiliate her even worse than she humiliated him. Under the guise that she was meeting him in the Pit because he had arranged for the Loreleis to serenade her, Mindy showed up only to find out that she was, in fact, being dumped in front of hundreds of people, who at times started chanting "Slut! Slut! Slut!"" [video]

Wow, that Ryan guy had some set of balls didn't he? I got $50 that says Rambo doesn't negotiate with terrorists.

take a look at the last two weeks of terrorist activities on a world map. the us looks uncomfortably busy if you ask me. cpu intensive warning.

why? why? whay, britney have you forsaken me? i just don't get it man, i just don't get it

February 17, 2007

Wow, Did Britney Spears Blow A Fucking Gasket, or What?

WHAT DOES 23 MEAN? the trailer to the upcoming movie 23, plus people can also enter to win a Nintento Wii. entering the contest is pretty easy, too

ferguson's down syndrome adventures: his missing blue crayon

February 16, 2007

Some Things Still Creep Me Out.

Like how in hell anyone could eat bull penis. Do you really think it's going to make you strong? Or think that it will increase your libido somehow? C'mon get real! Bull penis can't make you get more pink box.

And you know what else creeps me out? The whole, "Honey where did you go last Friday?" grilling you always get on Saturday morning. Kind of makes me with I had just stayed low key and went out to look at the local bridges instead.

But perhaps the best fun comes from Mother Mature herself...

Once in awhile there is an opportunity to take in a piece of nature that you may never see. The photographer of the following photos (Photographer Unknown) was one lucky person. These animals were photographed just North of the Wisconsin Line on a highway near Marenisco, MI. - Bob F. [photos]

Took these photos from a tree stand in Idaho.... Kind of gives you a warm fuzzy about wildlife. - Kamakazee Dave [photos]

See, just like they say in South Carolina, there's plenty of room for God's creates... Right next to the mashed potatoes!

And the current leader in the Crazy Maze challenge is Ethan with 108k.

on the upside, it looks like peace in the middle east is right around the corner, look how peaceful everyone is

in anticipation of the return of Entourage - a big collection of the best of ari gold culled from gorillamask!

February 15, 2007

Russian People Are Weird.

Well, I sure am glad Valentine's Day is over. I remember someone telling me that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but I'm not so sure anymore... [google translation]

Okay, first off, Game Challenge updates. Winner of the Balloon Burst goes to none other than Mr Tarkanian with his unmatched score of 506,240. Also, sending in a higher score on Deflector is Tom with 38,104 points, so he gets his name in lights for that one. Disappointed you didn't win? Aw, c'mon guys, don't be a hater. So that brings us to the next challenge. Originally I had picked out this game Blox, which is an incredibly addicting game. Slide like color boxes around to make them disappear, clear each board to advance to ehe next, blah-blahb-blah. But the trouble came when you complete level 10, which is the last freebie level. After that you have to buy the game, which I don't think is fair to most people. Any thoughts on this? So taking it's place in the meantime, I grabbed a little something off the beaten path and we'll do Crazy Maze. Part puzzle, part reflexes. Guide your green ball to the end of each maze. It's a little Commodore 64'esque, which is probably why I like it. And don't bother starting it if you only have a few minutes, this ones takes awhile. So wait until your lunch hour.

Hey Ernie, a few weeks ago you posted some pictures of a ship with water pounding over the bow. They were screen captures from this video. Cheers and keep up the good work! - English Rick

Everyone has seen those stupid rubber testicles that rednecks hang from the back of their trucks, but I think this is the first time I've actually found them funny. You know, as opposed to having no balls whatsoever, like the French army. Oh hey if you get five minutes, take a look and let me know if you'd to hit the links with me and my new golfing buddy.

Aw Jesus Christ. Did you hear that Al Queda wants Bush to go into rehab?

the top ten best samuel l jackson experiences. unfortunately, nothing from shaft

February 14, 2007

Ah, Valentine's Day - the jour d'amour.

And who better represents romance than the only Frenchman worth his salt, that Gallic gallant himself, Pepe Le Pew?

Monsieur Le Pew, a dapper skunk, arrived on the big screen in January 1945 in the Warner Bros. cartoon "Odor-able Kitty." His creator was animator Chuck Jones, who also dreamed up Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. An early Pepe film, "For Scent-imental Reasons," won the 1949 Academy Award for best animated short. Since then, Pepe has starred in almost 20 cartoons, including "Little Beau Pepe" and "Past Parfumance." Throughout his oeuvre, the story's the same: a desperate skunk chases after a series of skunk-striped cats - "zee king-sized belle femme skunk fatales" Penelope, Fifi, Fabrette and Felice - and woos them vigorously in Franglais. Sadly, his ardor can't mask his odor, rendering his pursuit futile.

Still, Pepe's been at it for over 50 years. So this Valentine's Day, why not try some of his bons mots and let those pheromones fly. Just remember to wash with scented soap first.

"Permit me to introduce myself. I am Pepe Le Pew, your lover."

"You are my peanut, I am your brittle!"
"Ah, my leetle much ado about somezing. [kiss, kiss] Ah, my leetle lost labor's love."
"Where are you, my leetle gumbo of chicken? Your French fried shrimp is sizzling for you."
"You may call me Streetcar, because of my desire for you!"
"Where are you, my leetle objet d'art? I am going to collect you!"

"You know, eet eez possible to be too attractive!" [Pepe declared this as he was being chased by an amorous cat.]
"You know, most men would get discouraged about now. ... Fortunately for you, I am not most men."
"Ah, my darling, I love you. Where have I been all your life?"

"I'll tell you what. You stop resisting me, and I'll stop resisting you."
"If you have not tried eet, do not knock eet!"
"You are zee corned beef to me, I am zee cab-baj to you. Zee cab-baj do not run away from zee corned beef!"

"One nice thing eez, the game of love eez never called on account of darkness."
"Sometimes I ask myself, `Eez it really worth eet?' And I answer myself, `Yes!'"

loveyouranimals - loveyourbooze - loveyourbride - loveyourcowgirl - loveyourkids

February 13, 2007

I Hear The Guy In Room 156 Is A Real Nerd.

Boy, I bet it sure is cold up in New York. It's a good thing they have Vomiting Kermit to throw up hot chocolate.

I just hope that whetever you get her, it's better than what you did for Christmas, because that kind of creeped me out. Guys, shit we're easy to buy for. Just get us beer or a motorcycle. But not both, because they don't mix very well.

four lego spoof films: spiderman, star wars, monty python and 2001: space odyssey

February 12, 2007

Hey Why Don't You Hold This. On Your Face.

As of this morning, EHOWA is officially calling for the cessation of hostilies everywhere in the world. Thank you for your cooperation.

So I went to the gun range this weekend, and had the joy of getting a lane next to two homeboys trying to get all gangsta with their new gat. (Did I just say all that?). When they weren't waving their fucking gun all over the place (ceiling, floor, wall, shelf, light... themselves) it was actually pretty comical. They set their target, a black and white hostage photo that looks like it was taken in the 70's, the minimum distance out which is about five yards out ... and then they just started blastin. And ladies and gentlemen, these two assholes coulnd't hit the broad side of a fucking barn if they were standing inside. When they actualy managed to hit the paper, they ended up shooting the mock hostage more times than the hostage taker. Oh and yes, they even tried the whole hold your gun sideways shit a couple of times, too. Yep, two real genuine jackasses. I burned through my remaining rounds kinda quick and am'scrayed, because I didn't want to be there when they ended up shooting someone by accident. So you're ever in the Ft Myers area and get held up by two black dudes -- one of em holding a cheap ass nickel plated 9mm and saying "yo" every time he squeezes the trigger -- just stand about ten steps away and go, "neener neener neener!" trust me, if they hit anything I can guarantee it won't be you. Or you can take a cue from Randall Flagg and pokerize em yourself.

This happened on October 14th 2006 outside of Edison Alberta. An employee from this camp was relieved of his duties late Friday afternoon. I guess he went a little "postal" with the track hoe on the other equipment late Saturday night. What you're about to see is the aftermath that was discovered on the Sunday morning - October 15th.

Wow, that's one crazy Canadian dude. My guess is they strung him up by his balls on Monday the 16th. Ha! In the meantime we Floridians like to play a game called "Can You Spot the Canadian Girl". Would you like to try? Ready... set... Go!

pictorial tour of an abandoned russian embasy somewhere in thailand

has your favorite celebrity ever died on screen? poor clint eastwood. damned tuberculosis.

February 10, 2007

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

ebay fun with dead celebrities - anna nicole smith's actual pink bed from her tv show

ladies and gentlemen, i present to you... the amazing milk! wait, milk?

February 9, 2007

The Weekend Is Here And You Know What That Means.

Sure, any site can bring you the spider on drugs video. But who else besides me brings you the Spiderman on drugs photos? But hey, like I told my niece, I'd rather have her smoke pot than cigarettes. At least with for former you know what you're jumping into.

Ernie! Love your site! Post my appearance on The Today Show (please!) - Susan H.

Hmmm, in retrospect I'm not sure why I felt compelled to edit out her last name since you know, she said iton national tv, but hey I'm a caring person. Congrats Susan, now we all know you have a thing for big heads! Here is a lesson in park vaulting, in case anyone other than these guys would like to try and do this without breaking themselves into little pieces. And remember, there will be a test so no cheating!

Life in the North East. Early one morning I took Mary Lou (my 05 Softail Deluxe) in to get some heated hand grips put on her. It started to snow while I was waiting and this is what the ride home looked like. Photos by Robin. Thank You, Durby

Well Durby, I'd have to say that taking your bike out in mid friggin February wasn't the brightest idea in the world. Especially if you didn't check the weather report first. I think you're crazy and so does this cat. I do hope you gave Mary Lou a nice bath when you got home!

would you believe there are only 30 ernie stewart's in the entire united states? how many of you are there?

getting about as much respect as rodney dangerfield, you can torture britney by making her jump for a chicken leg

February 8, 2007

So Fast Even A Cat Can Do It.

Today's update might be a little short. I'm out of coffee this morning and I have a metric assload of errands to run. Kill me.

Current leaders in Balloon Burst had to score at least 150,000 to get your pic posted. Sorry I didn't have time to shorten the names, but for you tools that don't understand what I mean by send me unique file names, here are some great examples...

balloonburst_bigd_195360 - balloonburst_shaun_265450 - balloonBurst_stephen_203420 - mrtarkanian_balloon_score_506240 - negative_ballonburst156670 - nick_sulaks_balloon_burst_score_of_162930 - willduke-baloonburst-151610

I tossed out a bunch of "balloonburst.jpg" and "myhighscore.jpg" and the like because no UNIQUE FILE NAME. If you can't identify yourself, you don't count!

like ants fleeing a picnic, flight pattersn of corporate jets after the superbowl - from fark!

would you rather ride britney spears or a dirtbike? well, a dirtbike, some say

eye movement and direction and how it can reveal the truth or a lie

February 7, 2007

Who Cares, Man?

Now I guess we all know why you don't fuck around with crazy chicks. Nine hours. Diapers. Wow.

Okay, paying attention to the celebrities in news, I feel the need to issue a reality check for some people. Some of these examples are a bit dated, but since the theme continues to run strong even today, I think they're still relevant. Bear with me.

Michael Richards doesn't like niggers. Great, who the fuck cares? He doesn't pass immigration laws, approve mortgages, or do any corporate hiring. He's not an elected official, he doesn't represent our country on an political arena. He's just a washed up comedian with an opinion. Want to hurt him? Don't go to his shows. But his tirades shouldn't make national news.

Mel Gibson doesn't like Jews. Great, who the fuck cares? He doesn't pass immigration laws, approve mortgages, or do any corporate hiring. He's not an elected official, he doesn't represent our country on an political arena. He's just a has been actor with an opinion. Want to hurt him? Don't go to see his movies. But his tirades shouldn't make national news.

Isaiah Washington doesn't like fags. Great, who the fuck cares? He doesn't pass immigration laws, approve mortgages, or do any corporate hiring. He's not an elected official, he doesn't represent our country on an political arena. He's just some actor with an opinion. Want to hurt him? Don't watch his show or see any movies he stars in. But his tirades shouldn't make national news.

And now we find out Paris Hilton doesn't like niggers. Great, who the fuck cares? She doesn't pass immigration laws, approve mortgages, or do any corporate hiring. She's not an elected official, she doesn't represent our country on an political arena. She's just a rich chick with an opinion. Want to hurt her? Well, really you can't, she's too rich. But either way, her tirades shouldn't make national news.

And I'm sure out there somewhere is a celebrity who happens to be a minority and doesn't like us crackers. Great, I don't fucking care. They're just people. They have good sides and bad sides. Now the day these idiots start having input on national policy, fine then you can bitch all you want. But until then, focus your energies on something that matters. Quit taking everything so fucking seriously -- because if you really care what they think? Then you're just as much of a fucking idiot as they are. Now keep them off my news so we can save the airtime for more important things like Jessica Biel's spectacular ass.

we all know i hate spiders and i know daddy long legs aren't killers or nothing, but damn

February 6, 2007

You Ought To See Him Drive A Standard.

So I hear you people up north are experiencing a little chilly weather? Well, sucks to be you.

Okay, because the depth with which you people took the end of mankind kind of freaked me out, we're going to go to something a little more mindless this time. It's you, your mouse, and a bunch of balloons. There are time bonus balloons, and the there no-clickey balloons. There are extra points for clicking a sequence of color balloons. So pop away my friend, pop away if you can, at Balloon Burst.

Ernie, I apologize if I am sending this to the wrong location. The video is a tongue in cheek "training" video made by Los Angeles County Deputy Sheriffs, directing sarcastic humor at the Los Ageles (city) Police department. It was made approximately in 1987, after an incident between Las Angeles County Deputies and Los Angeles Police Department Officers. Prior to the "incident" a couple of bad guys were driving what appeared to be an unmarked police car to pull over and rob motorists in the Harbor Division area (LAPD). Spotting an unmarked Sheriff’s vehicle, the two LAPD officers jacked up two sheriff’s deputies in their unmarked unit. This incident happened approximately 20 years ago but it is still hilarious. The Deputy Sheriffs were working the early morning (graveyard) shift on an assigned burglary stake-out in an industrial complex. It was a winter night and raining and muddy. LAPD proned out the deputies in the mud and rain. The officers called the shift sergeant, who was unwilling to make a decision and they waited an additional 20 minutes for the watch commander to come out and verify these were police officers. The original video was sent first to the LAPD Chief who was a little pissed to say the least, not at the officers but at Carson Sheriffs for making the video. Sheriff Block apparently didn't share the Chiefs views and shared the video with his officers. The uniformed deputy sheriff is Tunget, previously of the Seattle Seahawks and now a Deputy Sheriff. This video ultimately found it's way to roll call training sessions in other police agencies who all had a good laugh at the expense of LAPD (as usual). Bo (LAPD Alumni), retired [video]

Well, there you have it. Everyone makes lapses in judgement on occasion. The best you can do is be honest when admitting your mistakes and hope the other guy isn't going to be a prick about it. Because if they do, you just might end up getting a big fucking headache out of it.

birthday cock cakes are old news, but this one has a surprise ending. very worth sitting through the video

some photos taken in hiroshima and nagasaki after we dropped the hammer back in '45. comments are kind of greenpeace-hippy-save-the-whales, but good pics

February 5, 2007

Yeah, Put It Right There.

To me, the two teams playing were the Chicago Bears and The-Team-Whose-Quarterback-Is-Tom-Brady's-Arch-Enemy. Is my enemy's enemy my friend? Yes, yes he is. So clearly I was rooting for the latter of the two, and was pretty pleased whent he Bears got taken to the cleaners. Besides, it's nice to see a decent athlete gain the status he deserves and not flounder along way past his prime like SOME PEOPLE WE KNOW. We love ya but give it up Brett, you have lost your way a long time ago.

Pandemic. Holy crap was this a sucessful Game Challenge. EHOWA readers played this game over 15,000 times. Which is of course why it took me so long to sort throughthe scores. Third place is a two way tie of 7,800 points by both Topher and Mr Tarkanian. Second place goes to Nancy and her 8,014 via digital camera since she couldn't do a screen capture. And winning this challenge is... Scott with 8,603. All I can say is goddamn, you guys ate me up. Last week I got some good game suggestions in so I'll post another challenge tomorrow, so stay tuned on that front.

Long time reader first time sender. I caught this this morning while checking the road conditions in Montana. How embarrassing is to be caught sliding sideways on a state road cam. John

These Iraqi insurgents figured it'd be a good PR tool to grab a camcorder and film their planning and carrying out of an attack on US forces. When the video feed ends with feet of the guy holding the camera pointing sideways, you can feel comfortable they were less whan successful. So remember there's a big difference between just planning something, and the reality of it. Now, I have to clean my place up after a party went a little crazy this weekend, in the meantime, why don't you guys go find yourself something to eat.

all the superbowl commercials - imho i think they all sucked this year

artwork using rubik's cubes for a medium

February 4, 2007

Go Indy. Hey, I'd Like To See Peyton Get His Due.

to hell with disney. nothing screams fun quite like a third world amusement park in brazil

we've all seen runaway truck ramps - but have you seen a runaway truck ramp actually being used?

February 2, 2007

Hey, At Least it's Just A Squirtgun.

For us Americans, who don't follow soccer.... err excuse me, "football" as it's known to the rest of the world, closely. Rebecca Loos is the girl many accused English athlete David Beckham of having an affair with. And although his wife Victoria has a spectacular rack of her own, I have to ask... can you blame the guy? And am I wrong in guessing he's a tit man?

A few months ago, I happened to catch an episode of Monster Garage, where Jesse went to Iraq and was supposed to build this Hummer to be some big wheelie machine. Things didn't go as planned and after a rear differential failure, the whole operation went tits up. But what I remember most is it all got pinned on some poor fucking enlisted kid who forgot to put oil in the rear differential. God for bid the guy who has the resources to ship two full blown V-8 engines over 8,000 miles, doesn't pack a spare part that I can pick up for $500 at a junkyard. So while Jesse got to beat his chest on camera and talk about how he toughed it out in Iraq for a couple of weeks, this poor schmuck got thrown under a bus on national tv. Now whether or not it was a preventable incident isn't the point, I just thought it was a pretty shitty way to let things go down. Either way, Joe sent in these pics of the Hummer before it got shipped back to the states for Mr. James to work on in his air conditioned garage.

Pandemic. Sometimes you people scare me. Seriously...

Hey there, Ernie! Just thought I would drop my email in with the probably millions you get about how to beat the Pandemic game. Basically the planet killing virus is modeled after the AIDS virus, with the notion that it can mutate to the point that it can become airborne and such. Here's how it works. Early on you start buying off the killer traits that keep your visibility rating higher. Caughing, fever, sneezing, etc. Don't remove them all, though, as your virus will then not kill enough people to get points. You play a few turns out, then when you start getting points for deaths, you buy the Immune System trait, and dump vomitting as soon as you can. Get that visibility rating down to 0, and start upgrading your transmission traits. This way you get some kills, but the population doesn't immediately see the virus spreading, and they never shut down the borders. The random part is how quickly a virus gets into each country, and each region has varying degrees of difficulty. Western Europe is the hardest to get into or spread out of. I guess the creators of the game figured nobody traveled through France enough to carry diseases in or out. Anyway, get those transmission traits up, and buy off that human only trait. Then, once you have gotten into every region, start buying the lethal stuff. Don't worry about visibility at that point, because you've gotten into all the doors. I have cracked 7000 points using this system (but not 7800, to get on the top list). - Chris.

Not only has he perfected mass murder, but found a way to slight France in the process. Things are looking up and I like it. I'm still a little spooked out with how serious some people are taking this one, but I like it.

everyone says i have some pretty cool 404 pages. yeah, i know. but here's the 404 in other languages

everyone join me at the all you can eat taco bar!

February 1, 2007

And Now Playing Centerfield...

Holy crap. You people are some Pandemic playing, mankind killing motherfuckers. Evidently I must be an asshole, because you guys had no problem killing the entire world and I have over 200 entries to prove it. Christ, even my own fucking brother did it. So hold off on sending any more scores in until I get a chance to sort through the ones I have already. But in the meantime, here's the highest one I've seen at first glance... Ibby with 6,291.

Ahhh, anyone else long for the 80's again? Shelley Long was hot. Ferris Bueller had all the answers. Reagan was still in office. Prince was still called Price and he played a mean game of basketball.

A guy named Mark from Oklahoma sent these pics in a few days ago. They're of a chick who tried to cross through a slow moving train. She failed. And in the contest of wills between the human skull and the steel wheel of a 8,000 ton freight train, guess who wins. Well, if you said the train, you win. Yep, she was really keeping an eye on things, eh? And seriously, if one person complains I didn't warn them that was going to be graphic, I'm going to bitch slap someone. You should be able to figure out skull vs train for yourself.

Hey Ern, here's a funny courtesy of Neil Boortz:

How to handle irritating seatmates. If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up.
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6. Then hit this link.

Cheers, Eric

Best Tits Update. Current leader in Best Nipples is Contestant #13, followed by #20. Running away with the Most Perky is Contestant #28 with #27 a not too distant second. And #13 seems to be leading the Best Implants as well. But who's got the overall lead for Best Tits on the List 2006? Why that would be #28 followed by #27 right on her tail. Want to rock the vote? Go for it!

And as always, I'm looking for a game to use in the next Challenge.

caddyshack: be the ball, danny. be the ball. japan: be da prane, yoshi! be da prane!

in a recent study it's been discovered that water when placed on a driving surface at temperatures below 32 degrees decreases the amount of traction

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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