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April 30, 2007

Yeah Let Me Give You My Address...

And the Red Sox win 5 of their last 6 against the Yankees. Woo hoo!

Hey here's a cool fucking tip I just discovered this weekend for all the IE users out there. Me personally, I like to open different links in their own seperate tabs. before, I was doing this by right clicking on the links and selecting, "Open Link In New Tab." It wasn't that difficult, so I didn't think much of it. But then I discovered that if you hold down your Control key while clicking on a link, it automatically spawns it off in a seperate tab. Thus I can hold down CTRL, and click on 4-5 different links, and by the time I've done with the last one, the first one has already loaded. True story.

And because we all know I just fucking love zombie movies, here's the latest internet craze, The Last Stand. You only have to survive 20 days, which is fairly easy if you remember the golden rule there's safety in numbers. So it's not a Game Challenge, it's just too fucking cool to pass up. The next Challenge will be Dungeon Ball and it'll start tomorrow.

ernie, i am an army soldier stationed over in germany with very little time on my hands. your website has given me countless hours of entertainment when i can afford to fit it in. for your service to your countrymen, my 6 week old son would like to salute you. thanks. - jason

Spencer! We love you on YouTube! No shit! So what are you going to do for your next trick? Well, it involved McDonalds and some french fries. Let's just hope Spencer doesn't get burned by posting video evidence of his misdemeanor on the fucking internet. And in yet another Mother Nature Gone Wild video, who knew a praying mantis could eat a mouse? Not me, that's for sure.

Now get the fuck outta my garage.

a deleted scene from kill bill - bill lays the smack down on a street gang looking for revenge

pinchy the scorpion vs miss (black) widow -- who's your buck on?


April 28, 2007

By The Time You Read This, The Little Fella Is Just Bear Poo.

Ernie, I hope I sent the bear and moose video correctly. I sucked at trying to make that into one video, and the actual video is a little “shakey”. But if you can splice them together the video is fairly cool. The video was shot in northern Maine near Long Lake on the Allagash watershed (not far from the Canadian border). I can’t tell if the sound is coming from the calf or the mother, but either way it is an eerie sound. [1 - 2 - 3] Mother nature can be a total bitch sometimes. Keep up the great work bud. Andrew. Brewer, Maine

because it's all fun and games until you find out 102 things you didn't know about dogs.

because it's all fun and games until you watch these baby rats grow up. awwwwww



April 27, 2007

What Day Is It?

It's Friday! What day is it? It's Friday! What day it is? It's Flamin Friday! Yes it is!

A long time has passed since I've had someone really stupid write in. And I don't mean a fake stupid, like they're writing something inflammatory just because they think it'd be neat to see it posted to EHOWA. I mean someone so genuinely stupid, they let their mouth write a check their ass can't cash. And as always, I welcome feedback from you, my beloved reader. Both good and bad. Seriously. Why just last week someone wrote in to tell me, "just so you know, photo on 3-6 'littleshirttug' is same as one on 4-20 'nippleflick'". And at first I was a little taken aback. But then I did some quick searching and found this very same person has written in twice before, both times contributing material that I ended up posting. See, no problem! But something people tend to forget when they write in is, you write to me first. I didn't write to you. You wrote to me. And as we all know, sometimes bad things happen.

See, it's a circle of life kids. And sometimes that circle, well, that circle needs to be broken.

Ernie: You are a total piece of immature, hypocritical, little Boy SHIT!

On one hand You rant and rave for the support of Our troops and for anything to keep them out of harm's way (And, rightly so!). Next, You cry about the crimes and harm done to a poor innocent dog (And, rightly so!). But, You have abject insensitivity to say "Good, Pull the plug! Kill Her! when it's a poor victim's life at stake. I'm talking of course of Your "Opinion" of Terry Schiavo a few years ago. That She was too in-humane to live yet, an abused stray Dog was somehow more important to You.

You rant and rave using decidedly anti-religious rhetoric; IE: "Merry Fucking Christmas" and "Happy Fucking Easter" while doing anything to titillate Your audience for it's shock or amusement value. Evidently, You have no moral values or any history of moral upbringing. How proud Your Mother and father must be of You unless they raised You to be like this, then, if that's the case; Damn them!

The immature part? That's easy. You insist on placing Juvenile, Little Boy's game results on each and every posting of Your dribble. Then, You spend part of the time remaining placing sexist and demeaning comments concerning the beautiful nude Ladies who grace Your pages. Now, I have nothing at all against seeing a beautiful, willing, nude Woman. so, let's make that perfectly clear right now. Lastly, showing Your true colors, anything-for-a-buck; You fill the rest of the dailys with links and pop-ups to numerous, worthless web sites who will pay You their pound-of-flesh for exposure and notoriety. ALL, in the name of immature, sexist, senseless humor but, mostly for a buck. Right Ernie?

Of course, this is only My opinion. I know that there are thousands of warped individuals out there who share Your humor, or lack thereof, and, many of those same people probably have as much of little regard for human life (Terry Schiavo again) as You. Those same people are Your "Core" audience. The ones who believe that anything is funny and to not take lives or life seriously. You and they, with Your misdirected values and morals are the problems with todays society.

I don't expect to hear a reply or see this tirade of Mine printed. That is not My intention. I merely want You to know how I feel about Your apparent lack of values. Furthermore; If You do decide to print this E-Mail of mine, You DO NOT have permission to print, publicize or to let be known My E-Mail address. If this happens, as I have seen You print lately, legal action will most certainly follow to protect My privacy. This is merely My opinion of what You have put into the public domain and it's My right to tell You so, one-on-one, ONLY. - Ron

Dear Ron. After such a delicious email, don't worry, your privacy is of my utmost concern. In fact, I'd actually like to steer you towards the EHOWA disclaimer which pretty much says; after you emailed me first without my solicitation, and not the other way around, I don't need your permission to reprint your email address; you've already given it to me by writing in. And so, I pretty much own your cute little ass. You see Ron, one does not curse out Joseph Stalin, and then not expect to spend a little face time in Siberia. One does not taunt a crocodile and then not expect to spend a little face time in his stomach. And one does not write in all high and mighty to me, Lord of the Internet, and not expect to spend a little face time on the front page. That's just how stuff works, Ron. Now, at first I wasn't sure how I was going to respond to you. In fact, I was going to let this Japanese girl do it for me. But alas, she gets kind of hot headed sometimes and you certainly sound like a very tough cookie, so I decided it would be best if I do it myself.

First off, let me ask you a very serious question. What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a bicycle tire? Answer? When the tire is dead you can just jam a new tube in it.

Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry. Let's get back to business, Ron. In the opening sentence of your email you stated that, "You are a total piece of ... little Boy SHIT!" Now let's look at that for a minute. Per your accusation, I am a piece of little boy shit. I am actually child excretement. A child. Excretes. And that comes out is me. Okay. I can grasp that. So this of course means, that what I am is dependent upon what said little boy eats, right? After all, what goes in dictates what comes out, right? And so I'm not sure what little boys eat, Ron. So I googled "typical diet of a little boy". Now the first link is a sales pitch for something, so I'm going to presume you don't mean that. The third one is a short story about a mother's breastfeeding experience. Then it dawned on me! Duh! Little boys drink breastmilk! It was so obvious, how could I have missed it? That got me thinking. What it really boils down to Ron, is you're actually calling me digested breast milk. And that confused me. I'm not sure if you're insulting me, or complimenting me, or what the fuck's going on. It's like I've been knocked senseless or something.

Now your second paragraph was just downright venomous. Damning my parents to hell. Sure, you sit all high and mighty on your couch with your cat and pass judgement over people. That's not very Christian like, Ron. And you have to remember, we're all God's children here.

And then -- and then -- you got really mean! Picking on my poor helpless little games. What did they ever do to you, Ron? What's wrong with a few games, Ron. A little something to take the edge off. A little something to break up the monotony of our workday? They're certainly not dangerous, right? I mean, not as dangerous as say, eating watermelon, anyway. And insulting not only my content, but the content of the sites I link to. Now that is dangerous, Ron. Some of those guys take their sites pretty serious, and will eat you up if they have a chance. But that's not the point here, Ron. God fucking forbid you install one of the dozen free pop-up blockers out there in your quest to see free tits. Tell me, exactly how am I to control whether or not other sites have pop ups? I can control EHOWA. Do you see any here on EHOWA? Nooooo. SO what, perhaps you think I have a magic fucking wand I can wave and make the entire internet Ron-friendly?

Oh I know! Here's what I'll do Ron. I'll give you a total refund for all the money you've paid me to keep my site updated every day. Oh yeah, that's right, it's fucking free. And this is the thanks I get?

Besides, I don't know about anyone else, but I wanted to barf over your fucked up use of capitalization. All in all Ron, your email wasn't bad. I've had better. But not many. So perhaps you might want to go back, maybe make a few adjustments, clean things up a little and try again, you fucking handjob. Cheers!

Now let's check out some reader input from people who aren't trying to be such a poopy pants...

Ernie, been a fan for a long time. Keep up the great work. Due to the recent CRAPPY videos people put out of the Alec Baldwin phone call where they simply put the phone call with photos of his face, etc. my wife had the idea that I should have Donald Duck reenact it, especially since Donald gets so pissed off sometimes. So here you are- a completely artistic rendition of the phone call as Donald Duck would have done it. Please post it if you feel it is worthy. We hope you do. Take care, Steve

These pics are pretty gruesome but awesome. It's a motorcycle accident where a pregnant deer was split in half by the Harley. You could see the two deer on the road, both halves of the mother deer and the blood on the cycle. I guess it takes a Harley to do something like that. Enjoy!! - Sam

Well. It looks like I may just vomit after all. Venison steaks, anyone? Happy Friday!

the top 10 pulp fiction parodies... thanks dave!


April 26, 2007

I'm Winston Wolfe. I Solve Problems.

Well, I gotta hand it to Waste Management. I did receive a call back, and this morning they did send a guy over with a pickup truck to incarcerate my dryer. The guy's name was Joe, not Winston Wolfe, but he solved my problem none the less. I was going to conclude this story by keeping with my Star Wars theme, but wanted to wash off a little of the gay. I'm sure you understand.

Ernie - whilst searching for 'teabag' on google I found this - Robert

Ernie, thought the readers might enjoy another stuck piece of heavy equipment, especially one that is owned and operated by PADOT. The unusually warm winter up north allowed the "usually dormant" maintenance crew to complete some additional work. Unfortunately, since there was little to no frost in the ground the unexpected happened. They eventually "rescued" the machine with a larger one later that day. I guess they will think twice before venturing into this area again. A faithful reader.

Thought you'd enjoy this. I walk by it every week on my way to EE lab. -Z

Well folks, we got exactly... forty minutes to get the fuck out of Dodge. Which, if you do what I say when I say it, should be plenty. Now, I've got a corpse in a car, minus a head, in my garage. I'll take you to it.

dealerships rip you off with the "four-square," here's how to beat it

toyota yaris tops the list of the 10 gayest cars. ford escape inexplicably absent from the list.

from the this-didn't-take-long-at-all department, the alec baldwin phone message soundboard


April 25, 2007

Fear Leads To Aanger. Anger Leads To Hate. Hate Leads To Suffering.

Dear Waste Management,

Starting Thursday April 19th, up until yesterday, April 24th, I have made six phone calls to Gulf Disposal, trying to have an old dryer picked up. I was pleasantly surprised to be told they would have someone out to pick it up the following day, Friday the 20th. So late that Thursday night around 9pm, I dragged this dryer all the way down from my garage to the foot of my driveway. I even took the door off like a good neighbor to make it safe for children.

On Friday afternoon when I looked outside my window and found the dryer looking back at me, I became concerned that I was somehow overlooked. So I called Gulf Disposal and inquired as to the status of my pickup. "Don't worry Mr Stewart," says they, "you're still on schedule."

But alas, Friday came to a close and I still had this dryer standing defiantly at the foot of my driveway. It stared back at me and seemed to know that I wasn't going to be rid of it that easily. And so not wanting to get a citation from the city of Cape Coral for having refuse out, I grabbed the corners of this beast and dragged it back up my driveway in what would be the second of several trips.

Now surely, if a place of business made an appointment and didn't show, something catastrophic happened, right? Surely they would make up for this mistake by showing up the following day right? So that Saturday morning I dragged the dryer back down to the curb. Again. And so for a third time I called the local Waste Management office to see what happened. I was told that the driver made a pass by my house and did not see the dryer sitting out. Now I may not be the most observant person in the world-- someone else has to routinely has to find my car keys for me -- but I'm pretty sure that a big white dryer sitting by the side of the road is tough to overlook. The dispatcher and I speculated that perhaps there was some confusion between my street (25th Ct) and an adjacent street (25th St), and so he scheduled another pickup for Monday morning. I was thrilled.

And so, very early on Monday morning -- I know it was 6:30 because my cute new neighbor walks her dog each morning at that time like clockwork -- I began the task of dragging this dryer once again to my curb. My cute neighbor covered her ears as she power walked passed my house, trying to protect her ears from the screeching and banging the dryer feet made on the concrete. Her dog wrinkled her nose at me.

And when it was safely at the bottom of my driveway yet again, I looked confidently down at this dryer and was sure I had seen the last of it. The sun was just coming up, there was a slight dew on the grass, I had new slippers on; and I was finally going to be free of this damned dryer. I took a fresh breath of Southwest Florida morning air, picked up the pennysaver paper that gets thrown into my yard each morning, and walked back in the house.

As the sun grew warm later that afternoon, I peered out of my office window and gasped at what I saw. There camped out at the base of my driveway -- standing as defiantly as ever, mocking the sun, mocking me... mocking you -- was my dryer. I reasoned that since that wasn't the usual pickup day for appliances, that perhaps I was at the end of the list. An assumption confirmed with a fourth call to Gulf Disposal -- again I was assured that my pickup was on schedule for that Monday the 23rd. I asked how late pickups were made -- until 6pm, so there was still time! Still time!

I hung up and peered out of my window again. My dryer smiled at me. I looked away and rubbed my eyes. I looked back. The smile was gone. A cold chill ran down my spine. Did it somehow know our battle was just beginning?

I waited that Monday afternoon into early evening, listening, praying for the warm rumble of a diesel engine that would come take my pain away. My ears pining, my imagination racing and turning every distant sound into my pending salvation, only to have my hopes dashed when a school bus lumbered by. Sadly, my salvation never came.

Again, I was humiliated in front of my neighbors as I was forced to drag this dryer back up to my house. But it was warm on Monday night and the more I pulled, the more sweat dripped from my brow and the angrier I became.

Yes, yes, the Emperor could feel the anger swelling inside me. It gave me great strength. I wanted to pick up my lightsaber and strike him down. It was good. Gooood. I was indeed turning to the power of Dark Side.

I made a fifth call to Gulf Disposal that Monday night. I left a voice mail. It was an angry voice mail. I explained who I was, why I was calling, and how many times I had called in the past. I explained how if I didn't get a callback my 10am the following morning, I was going to file a complaint with the city. In fact, I was so angry that right after demanding a callback, I slammed the phone down only to realize I hadn't left my telephone number.

That's okay, you can laugh. I did. A little and milk came out of my nose.

The following morning, a sixth phone call was placed to Gulf Disposal. A gentleman naked Jody answered, and this surprised me because the other five times I called, I always ended up speaking to another gentleman whose name I failed to get. I gave Jody a quick rundown on my situation and asked to speak to a supervisor. Jody stated that he actually just listened to my voice mail and he confirmed my address before transferring me to the Operations Manager. His name was Todd. I know this because that's what his voice mail said. And so I left Todd a message. A very polite one, I might add. I explained who I was, why I was calling, and hesitantly added that aside from speaking to him, the only other thing I could think of to do was file a complain with the city of Cape Coral. I asked for a callback -- and yes I left my telephone number this time.

Sadly, that call never came. I began to fear I would never be rid of this dryer. I began to fear that no one cared about me. And as Yoda teaches us, fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering.

But I didn't want anyone to suffer, least of all me. I didn't want to continue my path to the Dark Side.

And so with a heavy heart, on Tuesday morning I called the Citizens Action Center here in downtown Cape Coral. I spoke with a very nice woman named Ann Marie. I began my story, and I have to admit it felt good to finally get it off my chest. I felt such relief in just knowing that someone listened to me. That someone cared. I'm not ashamed to admit I openly wept. Ann Marie consoled me and told me everything was going to be okay. She took down my information and asked me to call back the following day. And I did.

Ahh, if only this dryer was as steadfast in life as it was in death, I'd have never had to replace it.

Today, a bright and glorious Wednesday morning, I made another call to Ann Marie. She looked me up in her complaint log and relayed what her people had found. Per your company, on Friday morning the truck drove past my house at 7:08am and seeing no dryer, continued on. Again, I cannot explain why this happened. Perhaps pranksters came to my house on Thursday night after I had put the dryer out, moved it, only to put it back in the exact same spot at 7:09am? I don't know. I only know that this dryer was darkening my driveway from 9:30pm the previous night, but that's not important at this point. Amazingly enough, Ann Marie didn't have anything in her response from Gulf Disposal about how I was promised a pickup on Monday morning. No the only remaining portion of the response from Gulf Disposal noted that I am scheduled for a pickup this Friday the 27th, which is the usual day for appliance pickup here in the sunniest cape in Southwest Florida.

So here we are six days and six phone calls into this saga. I never received a call back from Todd the Operations Manager. I do not know why he have forsaken me. But I have dragged this dryer to the foot of my driveway for the last time. There it sits with my story scribed on it in red magic marker. The dates of the phone calls. The dates of the scheduled pickups and went unfulfilled. My complaint to the city. And a final note asking any city inspector to not issue me a citation.

But I want you to know I no longer walk down the path of anger towards the Dark Side. No, I am a Jedi, like my father was before me.

I eagerly await seeing the Waste Management truck outside of my house later this week. So please, for the love of all that is good and holy, pick up this damned dryer on Friday.

With warmest regards,

Ernie, humble resident of Cape Coral, Florida.

27 years ago today, 8 americans gave their lives trying to rescue 52 of their countrymen held hostage in iran. i'm still all for nuking these fucks.

this is a look back at some of the virals, crashes, accidents, stunts, mis-haps, bloopers & calamaties over the past few years of the internet

stephen king says cho was an asshole. and so, it came to be.


April 24, 2007

And I Heard He Likes Rage Against The Machine, Too.

Every time a new pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelop with him and does not return until the next pope is elected.

Pope Benedict XVI was intrigued with this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection. But, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back. "My brother," the holy father whispered, "I must confess that we catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?" The chief rabbi shrugs and replies: "but we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history." The pope said: "let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The chief rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the last supper.

my beloved red sox swat back to back to back to back home runs against the yankees. suck it, a-rod. suck it till you choke.

boy these camwithher videos are getting popular. here's gisele on her bed. naughty little stripper-to-be.

live webcam overlooking runway 25 - right, at los angeles international airport


April 23, 2007

Well, I Do.

For all who appreciate the outdoors... here's the rarely photographed South Florida squirrel.

Okay, let's talk turkey. Squares 2 is wrapping up, and for the first few days, Daizan had the highest score with 30,038 -- which kind of made me curious since he had such a high score and so little squares collected. Other people had scores half that with twice as many squares. So I called him on it, and here was his reply...

I collected black circles only. The black circles can either make your square shrink, give you invincibility, slow down the other squares, or give you 1000 bonus points. The black circle usually shows up once every 20 seconds. I just sat back and avoided the black squares as well as the red squares since collecting black squares just made the squares fly across the screen faster and I only collected black circles. Also the points go up for the amount of time you spend playing the game, so all I had to do was be patient and listen to that stupid song for an hour. The only problem is that after collecting 10-12 mini-square power-ups, your icon shrinks down past the size where it is visible and then the game REALLY gets interesting. I didn't cheat. I just played smarter than everyone else did.

Even though I had mixed feelings on how he did it, and I was going to go nuts on him at first, the more I thought about it the more I realized he was right. So I just decided to wait patiently and see if his scroe held up. And unfortunately for him, his strategy didn't pay off in the long run, since Tufrabza ended up beating him the old fashioned way... one black suare at a time. Sorry if that got a little confusing there for a minute. And so, we wave farewell to Squares 2 and look to the next gaming sunrise. And that will be... World Defense. it's half Deflector, half Breakout. Your job is to protect the buildings on yoru planet from a meteor shower. You do that not by drawing shields, but by rotating the planet. Although, you can buy an ozone shield later on, but I'll let you figure that out for yourself. My score to beat? 36,217. As always, scores with the entire game completed will trump any unfinished scores.

The Japanese Yamato class battleship was designed in the post Washington Naval Treaty period. The treaty had been extended by the London Naval Treaty of 1930 which limited the signatories to no battleship production before 1937; the Japanese withdrew from the Treaty at the Second London Conference of 1936. Design work on the class began in 1934 and after modifications the design for a 68,000 ton vessel was accepted in March 1937. The Yamato was built in intense secrecy at a specially prepared dock to hide her construction at Kure Naval Dockyards beginning on 4 November 1937. She was launched on 8 August 1940 and commissioned on 16 December 1941. The Americans were so impressed with this magnificent piece of naval architecture, the United States Navy extended the courtesy of sinking the gigantic motherfucker north of Okinawa. This 1/10th scale model was built for filming in this movie.

Well, it's a beautiful day out, so time to take the convertible for a spin. See ya!

todays morbid trivia = the virginia tech killer's ebay feedback profile

if anyone has the right to be angry about the iraq war, it's this widow. and she is pissed, make no mistake about that

if everyone lived like me, we would need 5.5 planets. so please ease up on your consumption so i can keep my air conditioning on

the legendary goatse.cx domain is up for sale - current price? $10,000


April 21, 2007

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

did you like the movie 300? why that's racist!


April 20, 2007

A Little Weekend Humor To Lighten The Mood.

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday", one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new." A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!"

please heed the following warnings before attempting to use the internet

pictures and short bios on all 32 of the virginia tech lunnnnnnnatic

iran exonerates six who killed in [the religion of peace]'s name

just in case you'd like to know how your tax dollars being spent - here's a nice zoomable graphic

oh no, another zombie attack! - if only cho had this to work with - this is a good dude


April 19, 2007

Okay, Seriously? Who The Fuck Gave This Guy A Gun?

And no, I'm not blaming the gun dealer. He followed the rules. And I suppose I'm also not blaming the Virginia State Police either, as they did everything they were supposed to. And I know there's going to be a lot of people who blame the judge who found this nutjob a 'danger to himself and others' but then didn't forcibly commit him. But in the end you have to remember -- and this is very important -- in the end the blame lies not with the dealer, or the police, or the judge. The blame lies with the nutjob with the head full of bad wiring that decided to kill over thirty people and injure dozens more.

And of course you have the fucking idiots who want to blame video games and violence in movies. Because of the hundreds of millios of people who play these games and watch Kill Bill each year, if one of them goes insane then surely it's the simulated violence that's to blame, not all those misfiring synapses.

Obviously both sides of the gun lobby are going to sieze this tragedy as an opportunity to further their side of the debate. But they're not the only ones. You know, I'm actually quite shocked that no one has killed Fred Phelps yet. Seriously. Some soldier back from Iraq, suffering from PTSD, maybe sees the protesters at his best friend's funeral, and just snaps. Shoots Phelps and anyone else holding a protest sign. And let's be honest, we'd all be so happy that not a jury in the world would convict him.

Excerpts culled from http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/19/gun.laws/index.html:

Some questions have been raised over Cho's mental health and whether that should have prevented him from being able to purchase the handguns.

Virginia and federal law prohibit the sale of guns to anyone who has been sent unwillingly to a mental institution.

The Virginia State Police Web site features a 16-question "Firearms Purchase Eligibility Test." The site says that answering yes to any of the queries means a person may not be able to purchase a firearm. Question 9 states: Have you ever been adjudicated legally incompetent, mentally incapacitated, or been involuntarily committed to a mental institution? Because Cho was not involuntarily committed to a mental institution, his appearance before the judge and his evaluation at a mental health facility did not show up when he bought the guns.

State police conducted an instant background check that probably took about a minute, the store owner said.

Criminal defense attorney Daniel Gotlin told CNN he believes the easiest way to prevent similar incidents in the future "is to not make guns so easily available to individuals with problems." [Ernie: Wow, did you go to law school to learn that?]

Sorry I'm cutting this update short, but I just got through with a marathon session of Grand Theft Auto, so now I have to go out and carjack someone, run over some people waiting for the bus, do a drive by shooting on a rival gang leader, rob a liquor store, fuck a hooker in alley to get my strength back up, beat her ass so I can take my money back, crash the stolen car into the police station, and then go steal a bus so I can jump it over the river. Thank God for seatbelts. I'll try to check in sometime before I kill the hooker.

warning: insane quotes from crazy religious screwballs ahead. bring your own vomit bag.

pulitzer prize winning photo documentary on a ten year old boy's battle with cancer. yeah, let's keep postponing stemcell research. that's working well for everyone.

the final scene from 'a few good men' as re-enacted by charcters from half life 2


April 18, 2007

Eh, The Gun Rant Will Be Tomorrow.

I didn't feel like doing that much typing this morning. But for those of you who haven't been keeping up on the news lately because the media always puts such a sour spin on everything, I present to you... The Week In Peeps. And to everyone who wrote in noting how I shit on Will Ferrel before, but then linked the new viral Pearl the Landlord video on Monday, yeah I know. Maybe I can only take him in 3 minute doses?

Anyway, the current leader in the Squares 2 challenge is Tufrabza with 21,215, although I have to warn you... I may have received one higher that I just haven't gotten to yet.

For anyone looking to force themselves into skipping lunch, just watch this video of a guy popping his eye out of socket and I'm pretty sure you'll lose any hope of an appetite. I couldn't imagine having my eye that exposed, personally.

From: #BMB#Macsen Wledig macsenwledig@bmbclan.net
Subject: (no subject)
glad to hear you have a lump in your balls. Hope its aids/cancer related.
enjoy

Uhhhh, while I know you're just trying to pick a fight, I think the only thing you really accomplished is making yourself look obscenely gay by asking about another man's testicles. Nice job. But, since you asked, both of my balls are back up and running full steam, so you sir, can stick it in your ass!

the virginia tech nutjobwrote a story about murder and pedophilia called 'richard mcbeef'. and..... here it is.

how many times can you recut the 300 trailer with different movies? lots man, lots


April 17, 2007

Let Me Tell You About A Cat Named Lucky.

A lot of people have asked me what I thought about the Imus firing. To be honest, I've never listened to the guy once, in fact I've only heard his name mentioned three times in my life. The first was when I watched Howard Stern's movie Private Parts, and even then it was in between beating off to scenes with Mary McCormack. The second was when someone sent in this spoof of Patton's view on the Middle East, which ironically enough is pretty close to my own. And the third time was when he got his ass canned for the 'nappy headed hoes' comment. So while I'm far from a Don Imus expert, I do think it's completely stupid to fire him for what he said. If for no other reason than, who the fuck cares what he thinks? Jesus Christ, people get so fucking bent out of shape whenever someone else says something they find offensive. Last I knew, listening to his show wasn't required material for any schools, the guy doesn't set any national policy, and above all else we're all entitled to our own opinions.

Now, for all you Imus fans out there crying about his right to free speech is being trampled on, I say get your head out of your ass. The right to free speech protects us from governmental censorship; it means that Condoleezza Rice can't whisper in Alberto Gonzalez' ear and twenty minutes later Federal Marshals are showing up on Imus' doorstep with handcuffs. But just like we, the private citizens of the United States are guaranteed our right to voice our opinions be they good or bad, we the private citizens (and the companies we form) are also guaranteed our right to voice our disagreement in any legal fashion. That means that yes, they can fire his ass and the sponsors can pull out. Having clarified that, I do think it was in very poor taste for Condoleeza to even comment on what happened. While true enough she is the most influential black female in the country right now, I think she should have kept her mouth shut because of her official capacity. But hey that's me.

But what amazes me most is this. A celebrity opens their mouth, and it's front page news for a week. But when three young men are exonerated from false rape charges -- accusations that will haunt them for the rest of their life regardless of their innocence -- nobody even cares. But even that's nothing. Mention the "Duke rape case" and everyone knows what it is and everyone has an opinion. But tell me what you know about Channon Christian and Christopher Newsome. What? Who're they? I'm not going to tell you. You'll have to do a few Google searches to find out about how back in January these two (white) people were carjacked, gangraped, tortured and murdered by four (black) men. And this isn't just an allegation of a crime, this is the full monte with mutilated bodies being burned and stuffed into trash cans. And yet I haven't seen ol Al Sharpton extend the olive branch and offer to heal the racial wounds of Knoxville, Tennessee. I haven't heard the New York Times calling for a special investigation, either. Nor is there any FBI task force created to pursue this as a hate crime.

If there's one thing I that I truly cannot stand, something that's a complete fucking hot button for me, it's hypocrisy. It burns my ass almost as much as watching people sit back and tolerate it. I think the justice system itself will run its full and fair course in this issue, as it did in the Duke case. I have no doubt that if these men did in fact commit the crimes they've been accused of, they will pay the price. It's just a fucking shame that a news search for "Duke rape" yields some 4,0000 results, while the same search for "Channon Christian" yields 6. No, that's not 60 or 600, it's 6. Six. As in one more than five. Regardless what color the victims or the accused are, if that's not hypocrisy my friends, then I don't know what is.

Ernie, I'm sure you are going to make a post about what happened at Virginia Tech today. I'm a former student at VT (transfered to Radford 15 minutes down the road). It is physically impossible for me to convey my feelings right now. I haven't felt like this since 9/11. I spent 2 1/2 years learning, living and making friendships there and now I feel like I got out easy. I feel like I should have been there... even if there was nothing I could do to help. I've been in that building many times for classes and I don't know if I could ever go in it again. Only a monster could take away so many brothers, sisters, sons, daughters and friends... From a friend in the ATF, I've heard a name that I am not allowed to say, but it is Asian and supposedly he had two handguns (9mm was the preliminary report but there's no way he could cause that much damage with 9mm's... He had to have had a rifle or another gun). As of right now, 33 people are dead after 2 were killed in West Ambler-Johnson (believed to be the ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend) and then the other 31 in Norris Hall after he chained the doors closed from the inside. While there are a number of entrances, the main door was locked which probably bought the gunman extra minutes. I ask that no one jump to conclusions up to this point. The school did everything in its power to keep its students safe and I know that the Virginia Tech Police (an actual department... not like your standard rent-a-cops) and President Steager as well as the office of Student Affairs will take alot of heat. But they did the very best they could and I can only imagine the hurt that they are going through for not being able to stop this. Finally, I ask that you and everyone else pray to whoever or whatever you believe in for the families of the students and faculty that will never see their loved ones again. - Jonathan

That's me, giving a voice to the masses for almost ten years now. Anyway, this will no doubt push the debate on (hand)gun control, especially with the 2008 presidential campaigns are gaining steam. So I will of course weigh in on this highly volatile topic tomorrow! Just like how Sarah Silverman tackles all the racial topics, and now we know she also has a nicely waxed box thanks to her interview with Leno.

bareback drive - bukkake art - optica lillusion - there's an island? - not so smart car now

a pretty cool pan-am commercial from 1958 when they first started jet service with the boeing 707. looked like some pretty bitchin seating arrangements


April 16, 2007

Remember When People Gave You Cool Stuff?

Hey, do you remember when we helped the 3/6th Marines get a satellite based internet connection way over in Afghanistan? Well, they spent some time in Iraq back in late 2005, and here's a video of them throwing down with insurgents during Operation Steel Curtain. Go ahead, let it rip a little bit!

Hey, do you remember the Kursk? Here are some photos of that poor son of a bitch sitting in drydock after it was salvaged. Google's Russian translator kind of sucks, so I sure wish I could read Russian. It's pretty fucked up. But in the interest of keeping things balanced, here's a complete list of military installations that have been blurred out on Google maps.

Hey, do you remember Jesus from the Big Lebowski? How much do you love the Jesus? Enough to allow yourself to actually be crucified? Don't worry, thers's not as much blood as you'd think.

Hey remember Odd Bods? Ryan fired the last shot across the bow because he felt he couldn't allow someone with a French sounding name win. Good for you, Ryan! For our next challenge, we're gonna veg out a bit and make it a non thinker - Squares 2, the sequel to the original. Just like before you must ollect the black squares while avoiding the red... now with special balls!

So I'm kind of split on a couple things. For starters, I've always wanted to go bungee jumping, and I've always wanted to go zip-lining. But would I ever want to do both at once? Hmm, the jury is still out on that one. Second thing. You know how I feel about Will ferrel in leading roles, but when Anchorman is recut with 300, then it made me pee just a little.

Hey, here's an early reminder for all the guys out there... Mother's Day is next month, so don't forget to pick your mom up a nice card.

wwii nazi's tank manuals - unexpectedly hilarious!

this video is, uh, eclectic. but i will admit when the hot chick stepped on a rake, i laughed.


April 14, 2007

Remember To Pay Your Taxes, 13 Million Illegal Immigrants Are Counting On You!

hollabackpastor - kickfromchuck - onefinebj - severeweatherarea - springbreakinmichigan

yo, you want a tax battle? you got it, son. keep ya refund fatta!

seven and a half minute sneak preview of spiderman 3


April 13, 2007

Oh Yeah, Today Is That Day.

Since today is Friday the 13th, a day known for making bad things happen, I figured it might behoove me to be particularly careful with my gun given my previous track record. Hence I have expanded my four rules of gun safety to ten.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate." Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

Regarding the aviation ringtones you linked yesterday. If one were so inclined, one could look in their Temporary Internet Folder after previewing the ringtone and find the MP3 of the file they just heard. Hypothetically, they could then drag that file out of their Temporary Internet Folder onto their desktop. It would be within the realm of possibilities that one could then upload this file to a place such as the Free Ringtone Uploader at Fun For Mobile and have it sent to their phone. In a manner of speaking, anyway. Keep up the good work! - Matt

Odd Bods. It came down to a cockfight between two guys Ryan and Lareve. And after the dust settled, Ryan you came close my friend, but ultimately it was... Lareve who was representin' EHOWA. How the fuck he made it to level 44 I'll never know. Best I could do was 36 and then BAM! I was history. I just could not make entry into the top ten pages no matter what I did. So, eh, fuck it.

Hey Ernie, You a fan of Friday the 13th? Here's a quiz to see how much you know about Jason and his doting, homicidal mom by answering these 13 questions. Thanks! Will

Goddamn GWB fucked me again with his promise of a stemcell veto. I'm on my last nerve man, part of me is startin to miss my blue state! One good thing about living in Florida (a red state)... we always get fresh fucking pineapples.

Two guys who do most of the voices for the Simpsons were on the Conan O'Brien's show. I love those guys. You're never too old for the Simpsons. Any toys, you're never too old for toys. Like a nice Barbie doll. And some beer.

man law #36 -- all v8 engines should be supercharged. even small ones. like this one.


April 12, 2007

What's That Old Joke About a Fat Chick And Moped?

I'm a big movie buff. Love movies. I can sit my fat ass on the couch and just go through movie after movie after movie. Just love spotting now famous actors in older movies, back when they were nobodies. A good example would be Lawrence Fishburne and Harrison Ford in Apocolypse Now. But just how good do you really think you are when deciding who is more famous whan who? I thought I was pretty good, but as you ratchet up the difficulty level, I was batting like 30%, and I just don't know how I feel about that.

The current leader in the Odd Bods seems to be womewhat of a nine way tie as everyone seems to die out at level 32. So if you can progress past that, sceen cap it and take the lead, because the other folks playing that game are kind of crushing us.

One of the advantages of being named Ernie? Whenever girls make a video with a rubber ducky, they're legally required to send a copy to me. If not, I send my cheerleaders to beat the piss out of them.

Hey Ernie, I found a site featuring a bunch of roads claiming to be the most dangerous in the world. Obviously they have never driven in down town Detroit. The pics are pretty amazing though, you should check it out. - Nicholas

And remember, only three more days until your taxes are due! Get em filed so you're not exposed to something worse!

cool ringtones - whoop! whoop! whoop! whoop! terrain! terrain! pull up! they're not free though, sorry. pull up!

when it's a lamborghini vs a bmw, well that's just ugly and nobody really wins



April 11, 2007

Warning: Watch For Hump In Road.

You know, I still can't believe Jeremy Piven wears a rug.

In order to get that paycheck I am required to pass a random urine test, which I have no problem with. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping others out. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on his or her ass. Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

And sneaking in just under the wire for Virus 2 is Rich with 61,088 points. And thus the next Game Challenge is... Odd Bods. Very simple premise. You will be shown several very simple drawings of cartoon characters and you must pick out the odd one. The faster you accomplish this, the more bonus time you get. Click the wrong one and you get penalized some time. If you make the site's leaderboard, be sure to put "EHOWA" somewhere in your name.

Driving is dangerous, so when I say stop, dammit I mean stop.

You wanna know what funny is? Funny isn't looking for your porn and not finding any, no, that's not funny at all. In fact, it's comedy gold.

why dating my last girlfriend was like playing a game of doom 2


April 10, 2007

Pac Man Breakfast.

For some reason, I felt rushed to get today's update posted, since yesterday's was so late. Truth be told, my mouse died and I had to go get a new one, which cost $40 plus about $3,000 in gas. High gas prices got you down? Save money with this pint sized solution.

Game Challenges. First, the Sheep Reaction. Chad came close but in the end it was Mike who ran away with it. You are some fast motherfuckers. Which brings us to Virus 2, where the current leader is Tarkanian with 58,498 points. That one will be ending tomorrow, so get while the getting is good. Because when it's done, it's done.

And now, we take a break from our regularly scheduled programming for some reader feedback...

Ernie: Shots from a fire near Harrisburg, PA. ABC EAST bowling lanes. Started by a cigarette and was never really under control. As you can see the brave firemen went from fighting fire to saving their own. As the roof and walls started their collapse the fire overwhelmed the two brave souls in the bucket. Everyone was safe and ok..........but it was close. Tom W

This is a videoclip from the Vice guide to travel. Basically they manage to get themselves and cameras into an area in Pakistan that sells an unholy amount of freshly made guns. Rest gets explained in the video.

hey man, love your site, first time i feel like i can add something. -this image was in a recent issue of ESPN the magazine but i figured not all of your site go'ers are sports enthusiasts. have a good one. maybe you've seen it but its a picture of a crop circle in Moscow Mills, MO. the coordinates for it are 38 53 29.92N & 90 55 26.82W - keep up the good work. - brandon s. harrisburg PA

That Pakistan thing is pretty fucked up. I mean sure, there's a good way to look at it, which is what we're shown in the news each day. But like the guy says, there's also a bad side to it, too. In the end, I think we're just looking for a reason to celebrate.

Okay, we're done for today. Dry your hands, get your bacon, and go home.

here are all four trailers to grindhouse. yep, you just fucked with the wrong mexican.

ever feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole? well, that's no longer a problem for your eggs!


April 9, 2007

The Battle Of Vimy Ridge.

Hey Ernie,

My name's Mike K., long time follower of your site. I'm a Canadian and i'm as proud to be a Canadian as you are to be an American. I know you are a former member of the U.S. Armed Forces and somewhat of a military minded individual. That is why i'd like to share with you a piece of Canada's proud military history. Ninety years ago today (April 9th) the four divisions of the Canadian Corps, fighting together for the first time in their history, charged the German fortifications at Vimy Ridge. All previous attempts to capture the ridge by the British and the French had resulted in hundreds of thousands of casualties. The French alone lost 150,000 men in an attack on the ridge in 1915. Indeed the ridge had gained the reputation of being impenetrable. Tasked with taking the ridge, General Arthur Currie (Commander of the Canadian Corps) was determined to learn from the mistakes of the British and the French. General Currie and his staff spent months planning the attack. On April 2, 1917, the Canadian Corps initiated the largest artillery barrage in history to that point. Over the course of a week they bombarded the German fortifications with over one million shells. And on April 9 over 27,000 Canadian troops attacked the ridge defended by nearly 8,000 Germans. By April 12 the entire ridge had been taken and was controlled by Canadian forces at a cost of 3,598 dead and 7,104 wounded. It is said that upon learning of the victory, a French soldier exclaimed, "C'est impossible!.", and upon learning it was the Canadians who had won it, replied "Ah! les Canadiens! C'est possible!." (Wikipedia).

The Battle of Vimy Ridge was not only an important moral victory for the allied forces but it was also an important test of new technologies and tactics that revolutionized the battlefield and are still in use today. Perhaps the most revolutionary tactic was that of briefing all soldiers, from commanding officers right on down to the lowly private, on the plan of attack and issuing every soldier maps of the battlefield. In doing so every soldier knew their job as well as the overall objective and could carry out their orders in the absence of a commanding officer. The creeping barrage was also prefected, it allowed the soldiers to walk across no man's land behind a wall of steel. New methods of counter battery artillery fire were implemented and indeed by the time of the assault approximately %83 of the German artillery pieces had been disabled or destroyed. Not only did the Canadian Corps' success at Vimy secure their reputation as being among the finest troops on the western front it also rallied our fledgling country. All 9 provinces were represented at the battle and as word of the victory spread across the country our people were united in their pride for our fighting forces. Indeed the battle was a turning point of the war and later served to provide an anchor point from which to launch a very successful counter attack to the German offensive in April 1918, which would eventually lead to victory over Germany in November of that year.

Now i know that from time to time you make fun of Canadians and that's cool because usually we deserve it, we're not without a sense of humor afterall. But i think you can appreciate the signifficance of this victory not only in WWI but also in history. This year marks the 90th anniversary of the battle. I think it's also important to note that this special weekend was darkened by the loss of 6 of our bravest in Afghanistan. They were killed by an IED and their deaths become the latest in a long list of proud Canadians to give their lives in support of their country. As we were united in our pride 90 years ago so are we now united in our grief for our fallen soldiers, for our fallen heroes.

I'm not surprised that your site doesn't mention Vimy, indeed i'd be surprised if it did. And i'm not asking that you post anything about it. I'm just a proud Canadian that wanted to share a part of his countries military history with someone that would appreciate it.

Keep up the good work Ernie.

Mike K


April 7, 2007

Happy Fucking Easter.

A small factory in the northwest, Anderson Nails, had been experiencing years of success and growth. Feeling that he was ready to try for the big time, the owner (Anderson, of course) contracted a big Madison Avenue agency to help him promote his product.

Aiming to get the greatest possible exposure, the agency booked a full minute at the beginning of the Super Bowl halftime show. Anderson was pretty excited about this, and invited all of his friends and relatives to his home for a big Super Bowl party. At the end of the first half, everybody drew closer to the TV, wanting to see the premiere of the commercial. It began with an arial shot of the desert, and zoomed in on a small walled city. As the camera slowly panned about the city, it became apparent that this was Jerusalem, during the Roman occupation. A large hill on the horizon came into view, and as the camera drew closer, a number of crosses became visible. The focus settled on a naked man in a crown of thorns, then moved in for an extreme closeup of his bleeding hands, and the nails which held them to the cross. The nails were stamped with the Anderson Nails logo. A subtitle appeared on the screen, bearing the words "Anderson Nails--the Expert's Choice".

Anderson's guests were horrified. The party broke up before the end of the game. The next day, he began to get phone calls from his oldest and most loyal customers, expressing their outrage and cancelling their orders. By the end of the week, his sales were down to nothing. He called the president of the advertising agency to cancel his contract. When Anderson explained the situation, the ad-man was surprised, and offered to create a new campaign and run it at no charge.

The new campaign was slated to start several weeks later, on Easter morning as it turns out. This time, Anderson nervously watched the commercial alone in the privacy of his office. It began the same way as before, with an arial view of Jerusalem. The camera finally settled on two Roman soldiers drinking wine at a table near the marketplace. Hearing a disturbance nearby, they look up from their drinks in time to see a naked man, with bleeding hands and feet, being pursued by a group of soldiers. The first soldier looks at his companion, smiles knowingly, and says "they didn't use Anderson nails!"

i'm in the lead for virus 2 so suck it, bitches!

i thought josh was fast, but he ain't got shit on mike!

ding, dang, doodle, man! this thar be how a redneck be pullin' a youngun's loosie toothie!


April 6, 2007

Aw, Don't Be A Dickhead.

Sure, I'm in Florida no more than a year and a half and in that time, you fucking Canadians come up with the coolest fucking snowmobile known to man. Seriously, this thing is bad ass. So what the hell? Did I do something to piss you off?

Okay, here's where we're at on the Sheep Reaction challenge. Believe it or not, a few people got insanely lucky and actually nailed a sheep at 0.000 seconds - mainly Gary and Mike. Unfortunately, despite these gimme scores, they weren't fast enough to beat Nate, who averaged a remarkably fast 0.1312 seconds. The only person to beat him was too fucking stupid to use UNIQUE FILE NAMES like I've detailed some twenty times already, and this their score gets discarded. And yes, this challenge will run through the weekend, so if you can beat Nate, send it in!

Really gross, but cool! Guy on meth decided to cut himself and start pulling his intestines out. Cops had to cuff him to stop him from pulling more out. This was an incident that happened about a week ago. The guy cut himself and then reached in with his hands and pulled out the intestines. He did survive. Thought you'd enjoy the pics -Sam

Boy were you ever spot on with that one! Those pictures are fucking awesome! They look like they're right out of a fucking zombie movie! And we all know I just love zombie movies! But seriously, why even bother saving this guy? Just open the nearest manhole, dump him in, and do society a great big favor. After you empty his pockets for loose change, of course.

Here’s your HOT for teacher, she posed nude for Playboy! YA BABY You’re right homework was never quite like this!!! Love the site! - Pete

Ah, the things that girl could teach me. It makes my heart go all pitter patter.

And if you feel so inclined, you can get a jump start on the first game challenge for next week, which is Virus 2. By toggling colors, you take over more and more area on the board until you've infected the whole thing. Effectively, you are cancer. And here's your strategy tip from your uncle Ern... much like the real cancer, you're most effective when you spread to the center of your host and work outwards from there.

G’day Ernie, I was interested to view the video of the B747 landing in Hong Kong in heavy rain. This video shows me landing a B767 in REALLY heavy rain in Carins, which is in Northern Queensland, Australia. You’ll notice that you can see absolutely nothing out the front windows until around 400’ above the ground and then all you can see are the approach lights, which appear in the left side of the right window. The noise you can hear is the rain hitting the aircraft skin and the wipers going flat out. It was an interesting approach to say the least. We then departed Cairns for Narita, Tokyo and then I had to land in a fairly heavy snowstorm. All in all a pretty busy day. Several beers were had by all that night. Keep up the great work with EHOWA. Regards from down under, Jeff.

Wow, and people wonder why airline pilots drink so much. But I suppose it's just a matter training and being able to properly follow your instrument landing procedures, right? If the steps are Step-A, Step-B, and Step-C, you follow them in that order. Because when you don't follow procedures, bad things happen.

Well, that's it for me kids. I spent a long week battling vendor after vendor and eventually getting my $2,500 back. The bank really was abig help; so if this happens to you it's not the end of the world assuming you catch it early enough. This coming week I'll call le'policia and see if they've had any luck finding the S.O.B. who got my credit card number. But for now, it's Easter weekend, the weather is supposed to be beautiful, and I'm going to relax a bit.

gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme!

remember the pictures of the chinese guy getting hosed off a building yesterday - here's the video

because in communist china, the victims mug you!


April 5, 2007

Hurricane Shutters Go Up Today.

So I have to make this update a rather brief one, I'm afraid. I do however, still think Iran should cut off from the rest of the world and nuked.

Yesterday I talked about Japanese gameshows, since they have more of a sense of human than the Chinese do. Here's a video of an Japanese guy. It's kind of comical comical.

Stop and ask yourself: who better to demonstrate how Tiger Woods 2007 works on a Wii, than Tiger woods himself?

I think of all the education that I missed. But then my homework was never quite like this. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, I’m hot for teacher.

The Email Inbox Of Nardo Pace, The Empire's Worst Engineer

gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme! gimme!



April 4, 2007

Man, That Michael Knight Is One Cool Cat.

Wow, everyone was so enthused by KITT going on sale yesterday, I thought you might like to see David Hasslehoff in a lightsaber duel.

Freddy went to a career counselor to determine what field he should enter. After extensive testing, the counselor finally gave him the results. "Well, Fred, according to our tests, you are a sadistic psychopath who enjoys inflicting pain, misery and suffering on others. All in all, you'd be a terrific designer of golf courses."

Well, there's a problem with the Yellow Out game challenge... read on.

Ernie, I was messing around with the yellow car game, and just to let you know, it's kind of easy to cheat with this game. I'd guarantee I have the highest score so far. When your car is right over the exit, if you continue to click on it, your score increases. see attached - nick

So of course I tried it, and I'll be damned if he's not right? Brian was in the lead, but alas, I'm afraid I have to stop this before things get out of hand. Sorry man. So, while I search around for some whiz bang new puzzle game, I'm going to replace this Yellow Out game challenge with a decaffeinated one, let's see if anyone notices. My reaction time after three games? 0.1502 seconds. Beat that, you hokey pokey sonnsabitches!

Sure, Japan may have some great gameshow pranks where people get kicked in the nuts or have to swim with eels, but Brazil has chicks oil wrestling and you gotta admit - that's a tough act to follow. Which is accomplished by none other than the French, if you can believe it.

a whole whopping shitload of alcoholic drinks that help lessen your hangover

understanding credit reports -- their truths and myths -- is crucial to your daily life. see 11 myths.

someone built a virtual version of the disney-mgm studios tower of terror attraction in the popular half-life 2 game


April 3, 2007

Today Is Blurb Day. Rock On, Man!

Do you know what day it is?

Hey did you know owners of Tom-Tom GPS units can download celebrity voices to give them directions, instead of the plain jane voice that comes with the unit. Check out Gary Busey's recording session. Man that guy is fucking touched. And has has very bad plastic surgery.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Watch this American soldier over in Iraq do his very best Harry Caray immitation while inspecting an van at a roadblock. The fucking Iraqis don't know whether to shit or go blind. Hey, they gotta make the best of a bad situation, right?

I know that you sometimes post some really gross stuff on your site and when I had this “procedure” done, I immediately thought of EHOWA as a home for these pics. Years of wearing combat boots played a nasty toll on my feet and toenails as I am sure many other brothers in arms have also endured. The toenails on both of my great toes used to get ingrown about every six to nine months. After more than seven years of removing them myself, I finally broke down and asked my doctor if he could do something about it. The pictures show most of the procedure which will hopefully prevent them from growing back again. The nail beds were chemically cauterized with silver nitrate which is why it looks black by the cuticle. Enjoy your lunch. Chris

Four "Live Oak" trees in the median of U.S. Highway 90 in Biloxi, MS that died as a result of Hurricane Katrina, receive new life at the hands of a skilled chain saw artist. Because we all know stuff gets crazy when the weather turns bad.

Good news: You win the lottery and can buy you and your husband matching Porsches. Bad news: You're still a woman driver.

michael, please. pardon the expression, but he does have a few screws loose. karr doesn't have my programming to protect human life

get ready for tony soprano's return this sunday with a rapid-fire seven minute recap of the entire series to date. spoilers for every episode!


April 2, 2007

Aw Fuck, I Missed April Fool's Day.

Sorry about that. My new free wireless internet wasn't working. I'll make up for it with an extra row of links today.

Needless to say I received numerous replies to my gun mishap story, and nearly everyone had their own, "yeah it happened to me, too" story to share. I'm glad I could lead the way for everyone. Well also needless to say I can't post all of them, and so I'm only going to post two; the first for it's photo evidence and the second for a very funny twist at the end. We'll get to those in just a second...

First, we have to talk about whether or not there'll even be an Easter this year! I heard the Easter Bunny is pretty fucking pissed off about how that went down. I guess that was his cousin or something, so I xan understand where he's coming from.

Anyone paying attention to the phonecam pics this weekend discovered I tried my hand at scuba diving around my pool. Which was fun except I was forced to come face to face with how fucking dirty my pool bottom is. So I'll be cleaning the hell out of that today.

Hey Ernie, just letting you know that you are not alone. Last week, after I went to work, I got a call from my wife at about 6AM. She's crying and scared, telling me that she heard someone lurking outside. I tell her to get the shotgun from the closet, but she's never fired a gun in her life so I give her a crash course over the phone. Long story short, she doesn't get the gun down, and nobody is found when the area is searched. It was a pretty helpless feeling though, not being able to be there to protect my family, so I convince her to borrow a .22 handgun from her father. I have a 6 year old daughter, so I get a lockbox for the handgun on my way home that day. When my daughter sees the gun, I tell her to never touch one, always assume one is loaded, the whole 9 yards. After 5 - 10 minutes of this, I go to the bedroom to check the shotgun in the closet. I always kept shells in it, but never one in the chamber. When I took it down, it was not on safety. I looked underneath and saw no shells in it. So I pulled the trigger. My wife and daughter were in the kitchen, they thought I was playing around and popped a bag. After realizing how dumb I was, and what could have happened, I ran to Lowes for supplies to eliminate the evidence. My wife took a picture while I was gone. I did manage to convince my daughter that I did it on purpose, as in "see, it happens just like that". That's a 20 guage, from about 6 feet away. The indent to the right is from the wadding in the shell. Rich

And the next Game Challenge isssssssss...... Yellow Out which is a puzzle game. For some reason, the snobby cocksucker in the yellow car needs to leave the parking lot, it's your mission to clear him a path by dragging the other vehicles out of the way. Reminder you're playing for points, so skipping ahead to the later levels won't get you anywhere. I stopped playing at level 10 so I could get this update posted.

First I would like to say that I have come to love your site. When my lunch break comes along I scamper my mouse on over to favorites and click Ernie's House for my snippet of informational bliss. On the days that you have other things to do besides entertain us with your rants and the fruits of your Internet surfing ("Whaddya mean he doesn't have it up yet? I hope he's okay....so he can get the daily update out! I need you EHOWA. You... complete... me!") I wonder if you're okay or if you're not feeling well. Then the update comes and all is right with the world.

I just read your Ka-Fucking-Boom story and wondered if you had stolen my story from ten years ago somewhere. I had this little piece o' crap .22 pistol with an enclosed hammer. This gun was safety at it's finest and of top quality *eyeroll*. Problem is when you take out the magazine, you can't take out the rounds from the mag and you can't pull back the slide. There's no way to tell if the hammer is cocked or not. The only way to empty the mag was to cycle all the rounds through the pistol by hand or of course by trigger. I'm telling you, Smith and Wesson would have loved this gun; it would make theirs look even better. I'm getting ready to leave the house on an extended vacation so I wanted to take the pistol to a safe location, unloaded and cleaned instead of leaving it in an empty theivable house. So I pop out the mag and rock the slide....Dangit, can't do that. Pop the mag back in and rock....that'll load it, moron. Well, I'm 90% sure I have not loaded one in the chamber. If I'm leaving it with a friend, I want to make 1,000% sure. So I walk to the front door, crack it open just enough to get the hand and pistol through, aim it at my storage shed and jerk the trigger (like in your story, since I'm sure it won't fire).

Ka - Fucking - Pow (not boom, it is a .22 after all).

Scared shitless, I run with POS in hand to the bedroom, place it under as much of the dirty laundry there as possible and run back to the front door. I stick my head out and do my best uninformed dipshit impersonation I could muster to match the same looks that are coming from other front doors at the same time. "WTF was that?" I ask my neighbor. "I thought it came from your place. Everything okay?" She says. "No, nope, not from here. I don't know what it was. Maybe car backfiring." All this accomplished two things...

1. I would not have to tell all my neighbors what a dumb shit I am if I act as dumbfounded as they are.
2. Establish an alibi for when the police show up to haul me away.

After I felt an ample amount of time was spent looking around like a dipshit, I retrieved the gun and cycled the remaining rounds through the pistol to make sure it was bone dry. I stuck a zip tie through the barrel and off to the friend's house it went. When I got back, I went to the local gun dealer's and purchased a S&W .380 for my shooting pleasure; something that can be unloaded surely and safely. After I told that story to the gun dealer, I asked could he destroy the old POS. He hit it with a 28 oz. steel hammer and took control of the remaining pieces. After looking all over the face of my shed, I never did find that bullet hole. Secretly I wondered if my neighbor's shed bore the brunt of my stupidity, but I was not about to ask him. The funniest part is that the same neighbor that I spoke with the day of the incident was over a month later cooking out with me on my front deck. As she sat in her chair drinking a beer, waiting on the chicken to cook she says... "What the.....?!?!" and proceeds to pick a perfectly formed .22 shell from the rail around my porch. I shot my porch!!! "You sure are lucky that didn't hit your house, Mike. No telling wheeeeeerrrrre it came from." as she looked me dead in the eye with that 'I know what you did last summer' look. "No idea. Too small to come out of my .380."

Anyway, thanks again for a great site. I love the way you support our troops and call it the way you see it. Not to mention the funny clips and breasteses you find floating around here and there. When I come across something of value I will be sure to pass it on. In the meantime, here's a clip of one of my buddies snorting a Ramen Noodle flavor pack. To this day he still won't eat Oriental Chicken flavor. It's amazing what a grown man will do for a hundred bucks at 2:30 a.m. when it is preceded with the words "I bet you...". Slow to start but it really gets going at 1:08 into it. Later - Michael

your kind of girl - my kind of girl

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