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July 31, 2007

I'm Really, Really Disappointed.

Let's talk movies. On the downside, for any of you who missed the Simpsons Movie link yesterday, don't worry you didn't miss much. Complete piece of shit. Remember the episode where Mr. Burns blocks out the sun? Okay, now remember the episode where Homer drives a snow plow? Okay imagine those two episodes mashed together, show a brief glimpse of: Bart's little cartoon cock, Marge saying 'God damn bomb,' Homer flipping the middle finger, and Otto hitting a bong. That's it. That's all it was. They finally get the chance to throw off thew yolks of public television censorship, and that's the best they do. I feel sorry for anyone who shelled out money to see that wreckage in the theatres. On the upside, 300 and Hot Fuzz are released on DVD today. Now, you might want to break my balls and call 300 homoerotic, and quite frankly I don't care. I think it was a fick ass flick. And I'm buying Hot Fuzz purely on faith because I loved Shaun of the Dead so much.

Ernie - Fat old Navy guys are good for something! I have seen these boats before…and this video. They are fast attack patrol boats in the German Navy. I did a quick search – not a big wikipedia fan – but here are some other pictures. Gepard Class Patrol boats. If you look at this video , it also shows the view from the colliding ship…to confirm, if you watch carefully, at the end you can see the German flag on a guy’s uniform. Wonderful seamanship – brought to you by the same people who sailed the Bismarck – that now resides at the bottom of the sea. They may goose-step well…but that cannot sail worth a damn! Dan

Ernie, Believe those are the two German Gepard Class Type 143 Fast Attack ships S-76 Frettchen and S-71Gepard, who collided off the coast of Lebanon. They were supposed to be conducting a simultaneous wake crossing, but apparently the Gepard never got the "turn" signal and stayed put. You can also see additional photos of the damage. Regards, Dave

Well, at least wooden boats are a little more flexible than steel ones. And if you've had enough of that, let's watch Christopher Walken cook a chicken (not pizza). No seriously. Mr Walken filmed himself cooking a chicken and uploaded it to No, seriously man.

Huh. I was reading the 'Today in History' section at the top and noticed that thirty six years ago today, astronauts from the Apollo drove an electric car around the moon for 6 hours. Thirty six years ago. And we haven't had any appetite to go back ever since. We should all be taking moon vacations by now, but instead we're kicking footballs into cars. Are we growing the cure for cancer in zero gravity? No, instead spending out time more productively by throwing air freshener cans into campfires and playing with loaded guns. That's awesome. Way to go, mankind.

it's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks.

408 lb man vs 233 lb man. suprisingly the laws of physics don't apply

July 30, 2007

Go Spidey. It's Your Birthday.

So actually, I've got a pretty simple solution to this Michael Vick thing that I believe all parties will find acceptable. Now one of the various accusations against Mr. Vick is that he killed off those dogs that didn't fight well. So what we do is pit Mr. Vick in a pit versus the meanest, biggest, most vicious dog he has left. And they fight to the death. No weapons. No doctor stopping the fight because of a cut above your eye. No timeouts to catch your breath. If the dog wins, we chalk it up to natural selection... and everyone can rest easy knowing justice was served. If Vick wins, he and whatever limbs he has left get to ride off into the sunset free and clear... no PETA protests, no criminal charges, no nothing. If he can still walk and wants to play football, all the power to him. Make it pay per view, with all proceeds going to ASPCA. But Vick gets to live or die by very same rules he trained his dogs to fight under. I think more people would pay to see that than they would topless yoga. Whatcha think?

Fuck Ask Jeeves. When I want answers, I just Ask You Guys. Thanks to everyone who wrote in and let me know the female comic is none other than Lisa Lampanelli. That big bitch is funny, and I think she has ruined me for all other comics. But next on my To Be Answered list is... does anyone know more about these Navy ships that seem to collide? The voices sound American, but I know that doesn't necessarily mean the ships are.

From wikepedia: Ward LeRoy Churchill (born October 2, 1947) is an American writer and political activist. His work primarily concerns the U.S. and its historical treatment of political dissenters and of American Indian peoples. While a professor of ethnic studies at the University of Colorado at Boulder, Churchill was widely discussed and criticized in the mass media in 2005, for a 2001 essay in which he questioned the innocence of people killed in the World Trade Center attacks. After an investigation of Churchill's past research, Churchill was fired by the University on July 24, 2007 for research misconduct, including plagiarism, fabrication, and falsification. (read entire article)

And when he got fired on the 24th, Chris was there to snap this picture. That's a penalty. Offense. Unsportsmanlike Conduct. Ten yard penalty. Ha!

Those of you that have been around for awhile remember me ranting an draving when I first got my PS2 and got the chance to play Gran Turismo 3. And then of course I got all excited when I got my hot little hands on Gran Turismo 4. Well, after a two year hiatus, I'm tickled fucking pink to announce they have the next one all ready to go. I don't know what took them so long, but I presume someone finally lit a fire under their ass to get moving. I think this means I may have to throw myself on the sword and buy a PS3, which I'm not too enthused about. I've heard too many horror stories about them overheating and having to be sent back to Sony for repair. Oh woe is me, the Tursimo addict.

Man, did you see that? Even advertising agencies are getting into using optical illusions for product placement. If you stare at this picture long enough, you might see a Pepsi.

And I screwed up one of the pictures of the headless moose from last week, so I asked Kevin to resend the first photo, which he did. he also sent...

Ernie- Thought you might like this one too. My wife got this one all by herself. Kevin

Ya see, punk's not dead after all.

i will live to be 78.8 years old. how about you? and who knew breakfast was so important?

July 28, 2007

Spyware Saturday.

I'm going to break from my normal routine of keeping the weekend post comment free, and I'd like to talk to you for a minute about spyware and viruses that can get installed br browsing some sites around the web. Now, over the past few months, I usually get about one email a week from people saying they "got a virus from EHOWA". And I always look upon these people with the same distain as I do gum that gets stuck to the bottom of my shoe. It's like going in for an oil change on your car, and then complaining that your trunk doesn't work. Here's why: EHOWA -- in all of it's infinite glory -- is one of the few remaining text based websites. I don't use flash, php, swl, shockwave, asp, or any other of the newer technologies. Just plain old generation one hypertext markup language (HTML). On the downside, maybe the layout isn't as robust looking as some others. On the plus side, it's high speed and low drag. No resource hungry extras that can slow your performance down. If you want to see what EHOWA is made of -- this very page you're reading -- do this:

1. Anywhere on the page (but not on a link), right click and choose "View Source"

2. NOTEPAD should have spawned off and you should now be seeing a file that begins with "DOCTYPE html PUBLIC..." blah-blah-blah.

3. Press CTRL-F and in the text block type "Spyware Saturday" and press ENTER.

4. You're now looking at the hard coded text that creates todays update. As you scroll down, you'll see the older updates, too.

You are more than welcome to do this for any of the pages here on EHOWA, to verify for yourself that indeed, I have "no viruses" installed. Again, I chuckled as I wrote that, but I'm catering to a certain denominator here.

For you techies, you'll be wondering, "Yes, but what about embedded scripts? They can contain codes install spyware and viruses." And you're right, they can. So let's look at the single, solitary embedded script that I use (and even then, you'll find it only on the main index.shtml) -- with that NOTEPAD open, do a CTRL-D and search for "statcounter". Go ahead, I'll wait. Good. Now that script is a tracker that lets me know where my inbound traffic is coming from: what referring sites, what search engines, what key words they searched for... things like that. I scan that particular script every other day, just to make sure nobody on their end gets sneaky.

Which brings us to, other sites that I link to. Because think about it. Before I can link any given site, I have to visit it first to view the content and decide whether or not it's worth posting. If such a site were to infect me (as it did on May 16th of this year which had me dead in the water for two days...) I would be unable to make any post. SO if you see a post go up, obviously I'm alive and well. And that is probably most likely due to...

Having anti-spyware installed. Personally, I use two: Windows Defender and Webroot Spy Sweeper. For former is a free utility that comes directly from Microsoft. Since it's free and easily added on, why they don't just include it with the operating system, I'll never know. But here it is none the less. The latter is software you have to purchase a license for -- it's only $25 so don't go go weeping into your pursestrings just yet. Besides, you shell out $50 a month for a fast broadband connection - what's another couple of bucks to keep your computer clean and your data safe? I selected Spy Sweeper after reading several articles highlighted in a Google search. At this point, I'd like to point out that I first purchased and installed PC-Tools SpyDoctor and was horribly disappointed. Horribly. Ended up getting a refund. There was some kind of a bug and every time I opened a new web page, my computer locked up for about 20 seconds. Every time. Every page. I averaged 15 minutes each day staring at an immobilized mouse cursor and a computer that couldn't do shit. That sucked balls. Both Windows Defender and Spy Sweeper do an excellent job at keeping the overall impact on your computer to a bare minimum; they scan in the background and don't slow your computer down at all. Oh, I also paid the extra $10 to get Webroot's anti-virus incorporated into Spy Sweeper. Again, I use both and highly recommend them.

In each post I make, there are on average, 20-25 links to other sites. I usually keep the last seven days worth of posts on the front page; so that's about 150 links to other sites, just on this page alone. And untold number in the archives. The content of these sites is, for obvious reasons, out of my control. There are some sites that I frequently link to, because I know they're safe. So I can tell you that each day you visit EHOWA and see the links in the most recent update, I have visited these myself within the past 24 hours... and made it out alive. But again, I have the appropriate tools installed to protect myself. If I do find a site that tries to install spyware, malware, or a virus I simply don't link to it. Or if the link is already up and that webmaster tries to take advantage of the increased traffic by "adding a little something extra" to a page that's getting the boost; I just remove the link. I've done it before when people have written in to complain about a specific link. But you have to help me out and give me something to go on. I'm not a fucking magician.

EXAMPLE OF A GOOD EMAIL - Ernie: On your June 19 entry, I clicked the picture link of the HD pictures of guns. It took me to this link: [link removed]. I clicked on one of the pictures of the guns and it automatically downloaded a malware file that corrupted my system. It took me 4 hours to find all the crap and delete it from my system. It's a good thing my Anivirus was installed and Windows Defender. My Internet Explorer is still a little screwy. It has major script errors. Just wanted to let you know.... please remove the link and protect your readers! - Thanks, James

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF A GOOD EMAIL - That last link, the one to the diamond mine in Russia infected my PC. Even with McAfee on the job it attached a "Toolbar 888" to Internet Explorer and tried to run several scripts. It took me an hour to clean my machine. xoxoxo Bruce

In both of these examples I was able to remove the offending link very quickly, because I knew where to look. Now let's look at a no-helper...

EXAMPLE OF A BAD EMAIL - "I got a virus from one of your links" (okay which one?) "Uh I dunno I didn't pay attention."

I mean what the fuck? What am I supposed to do with that?

Now, one final note. As a guideline, Safe For Work (SFW) sites are just that. I've yet to have an anti-spyware alarm triggered by a SFW site. Predominantly it's the Not Safe For Work (NSFW) porn sites that try to sneak something in the back door (hee hee). But use your head. Yes, porn sites are perfectly safe to visit, provided you use your fucking head. You look both ways before you cross the street, don't you? Same deal here. Install some software to protect yourself. Again, I use Windows Defender and Spy Sweeper -- the fact that my computer is alive enough to write this speaks to their effectiveness. But regardless of whatever packages you choose, you should definitely have something. To not is simply asinine. Surfing around the internet unprotected is the equivilent of going to the Apollo Theatre without wearing a condom, and you know how that worked out for Tom Hanks. So help me out a little.

going to the apollo theatre without a condom = flying your news helicopter and not watching where you're going. inside the chopper footage!

going to the apollo theatre without a condom = riding a quad up stairs without a helmet. culled from gorillamask. that's a raptor, btw.

going to the apollo theatre without a condom = driving around transporting gasoline in a post-apocolyptic wasteland without an armored tractor trailer.

July 27, 2007

Female Comics Don't Make Me Laugh.

I think I may have touched upon this topic once before, because it seems vaguely familiar to me. So I guess to rehash, female comics don't make me laugh. And it's not a sexist-power-chauvanistic thing, it's a standup material thing. Female comics always want to talk about PMS and dating and I just can't relate. There's been time I've gone to a comedy club back in Boston and have sat through an entire standup routine and barely cracked a smile, no matter how hard they tried. I just don't find them funny. I like my comedy to be dirty, loud, and rude. That's just what makes me laugh. Maybe that says something about my character, I dunno, but if the material isn't edgy and in your face, it just doesn't spark a reaction from me. Female comics just can't do that. That is, until now. So who the fuck is that broad? I think I could love her, ya know, if she wasn't so fat. But she, my friends, is one funny fucking comedienne. Golf clap!

Long time reader 1st time contributor. Thought you might like the Vermont take on moose hunting. This happened along Vt Route 302. Kevin.

Wow, that's a pretty clean, uh, break? Seperation? Cut? Severance? Well, maybe we'll just say Tab A was cleanly removed from Tab B.

Erine, While at a customers golf course today, I was coming into the shop and saw this big ole trash truck just sitting in the middle of the main yard. There really was no trash bins were he was at all and well basically he shouldn't been there. Now the drive didn't speak a lick of english and really couldn't understand that his front axle was sunk and he wasn't going to move the truck at all. When the wrecker drive showed up, he basically told the Trash truck drive that there wasn't really anything he could do inless he has $1,000.00 up front... Let's just say Waste Management lost a drive to day. An hour later I past the drive of the Trash Truck walking down the highway about a mile or so from the course... Enjoy the pics.... ~Terrence

Ernie's Note: I left that email's spelling and grammar intact. So there you have it, beaners can't drive and rednecks can't write. Ding-dang-doodle, man! Russian kids can't drive either, so make sure you watch the video to the end.

More from the Making-A-Complete-Ass-Of-Yourself-On-Live-Television-Department, watch Merry Miller interview -- or TRY to interview -- Holly Hunter. Cut. Oh. How the fuck do you keep your job after making a spectacle of yourself like that? Yeah, that's fantastic!

like drugs? an ex-narcotics agent reveals the secrets to staying one step ahead of the law

from the internet archives - true female porn clerk stories

July 26, 2007

Interesting Statement, You Don't Hear It Enough. You Don't Hear It At All.

"It is not a lack of freedom and democracy that produces terrorists. Neither North Koreans nor Cubans are busy blowing themselves up in cafes. The common denominator among all major terrorist producing states is Islam, as politically incorrect as it may be to say. It is this narrow and unbending theocratic civilization, which often provides education only in the form of uncompromising religious indoctrination, that actually supplies most of the fuel for world terror. However, it is the caustic sense of humiliation among many Muslims over Western ascendancy that actually lights the fuse. Muslims are raised on the belief that Islam, the perfect faith, is superior to all other religions and that the only reason that Islam is not ascendant is that the West is undermining it. Many Muslims simply find it impossible to attribute their current situation to their own civilization's failures."

Just when I thought life couldn't get any better -- it's another zombie movie. And what makes this one so cool? I'll tell you. ALRIGHT! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! NOW I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MUTHAFUCKIN ZOMBIES, ON THIS MUTHAFUCKIN PLANE! Complete with a trailer. Some hot chicks with lots of gunplay. I'm just giddy!

Listen, how many times do I have to tell you people. Buying and selling black people is not cool. So stop it this instant.

Thank you to everyone who sent in the hundreds of copies of Beyonce falling down the stairs. So it's posted now. So quit breaking my nuts about it. Please stop sending it to me. Thank you. And if I were Jay-Z, I'd be like... "I know your body is on fire but you're too clumsy...later, bitch!"

So I wonder how much this cost to fix?

hey kids! do you know that terrorists can look just like you and me?

i fought the moose and the moose won. but i did get some delicious moose steaks out of it

July 25, 2007

No Bra, No Gag Reflex, Shot.

Go I hate the New England Patriots, but I will admit... their fans sure do know how to tailgate.

JohnTV is at it again catching guys messing around with hookers. And of course, we have the usual protest that, "it's not what it looks like." And of course, there's more if you find that sort of thing funny.

Okay, I'm closing out Defy Gravity -- and declaring the winner as Tufrabza. The new challenge is Egg Maze. Use the arrow keys to tilt the board and guide your egg tot he end goal. Although you are timed, I will caution you that haste makes waste - so don't take any shortcuts. Remember to press START so you're not tilting an empty board, duh!

I am not a big fan of politicians or political speeches, but this speech is one is worth watching, particularly among Dog lovers, and animal lovers far and wide. Senator Robert Byrd, Democrat, West Virginia, on dog fighting - part i - part ii - part iii - He reminds us that “God created the Dog to be man’s companion.” - Paul

Honestly, I hope they nail Michael Vick to a fucking cross. Or blindfold him and shoot him. Either one works for me.

pcworld magazine presents - the strangest sites in google earth

a-10 airstrike in afghanistan. first you see the rounds impact, then you hear the rounds impact, then you hear the rounds being fired from the gau-8 avenger cannon

July 24, 2007

You Should Always Have Enough Life Preservers.

Hey make yourself useful and spot me $19 million dollars so I can buy Hulk Hogan's Miami home. I just want to make sure he takes his daughter with him, otherwise the deal is off.

A joke that nevers gets old is gluing a quarter to the ground and watching people try to pick it up. Now we can escalate that a little more by making it a dollar bill. And wiping dog crap on it. But how do you know when you've hit aces? You make one of your victims actually vomit! Now that my friends, is good clean humor.

By now, most of you have seen the video of the raccoon poking his head in through the dog door and stealing the door mat. If not, here it is, and no, it has nothing to do with being in a bad neighborhood. But my question is.... where the fuck is the dog in all this?

Motorcyclers beware: even if you make the insane choice to not wear a helmet, at least wear eye protection. See what happened to this guy when he lifted his helmet visor for a breath of fresh air and got a bug straight in the eye. Just because you have a bike, doesn't mean you're Trinity. And just because you have a car, it doesn't mean you're Jordan, either.

Disappointed with the Harry Potter ending? Here's how other famous creators would have ended it.

co you think you know the mcdonald's menu like the back of your hand? think again...

old and busted: name that tube. the new hotness: name that ass

is my man-crush on bear grylls going to come to an end? oh the humanity!

July 23, 2007

Yeah, Me Neither.

Nope, no heavy drinking for me this weekend. I dunno, something just turned me off to it.

Who says inmates can't be productive? See, you just have to teach them how to be submissive first. Then you can teach them Thriller!

A lot of people commented on the Tila Tequila interview where she exposes herself for the dumbass that she is. And a few of you even likened that tot he Family Feud video where not one, but two dumbasses get facetime. The only saving grace is that footage is about 25 years old, so the second guy is probably dead by now.

I bet you would have half as much fun on four legs as this dog has on two. And no, it's not that creepy one that runs standing up on his back legs.... this one is the exact opposite. This one can even jump.

another optical illusion - see if you can spot the c-17 brandishing the air force's new camouflauge paint scheme. it's harder than it looks

at&t gives free cellphones with iphone upgrade?

atomic bomb explosions in super-super-super-super-duper slow motion

July 20, 2007

Some Nice Bedtime Stories.

So Darren asks Joanne out. Joanne accepts. They eat at china grill. (Nice restaurant. I've been there.) Darren pays, despite Joanne offering to split the check. At some point after the meal, Darren gets the idea that Joanne didn't like him. Rather than just chalk it up to a bad date (hey, it happens, right?) Darren... Well, Darren has other plans. Darren emails Joanne asking her to send him $50 for her portion of dinner. Ok. So Darren's a bit odd. Fine. He emailed her, she didn't respond, and he let it go. Right? Come on. What kind of story would that be?

Is Britney not the biggest attention whore skank on the planet? Does she realize she's a fucking mom?! I'm sure you've already seen these but if you need a link for a big ass collection of them, I'm here for you bro. I'm a giver! - James

Ernie, that's not a tapeworm, it's medical gauze from a wound. Since you will be getting approximately 10,000 emails of people telling you this, I'll add something additional. Two pictures of my Halloween costume. Original? Not really. But the people throwing the party were strong Catholics. I was booted within minutes. - John G.

G’day Ernie, I thought you might have a laugh at this candidate's name. Regards from down under, Jeff.

Hey Ernie, dig the site, I have a beersite but blaa not good like this! Anyway I was looking for shark attacks when I came across this wierd guy holding a shark (He is like 2 pics down on the left!) is he just doing a bad pose or is he the kings son???? (Braveheart reference!) though you might like it enjoy! Big J.

Wheeler "Johnny" Lipes, had neither the formal training, the equipment, nor the urge to become a surgeon. But when one of his ship mates came down with acute appendicitis 120-feet below the South China Sea, with enemy warships circling above - he had no choice. He had to do what needed to be done or his shipmate would die. It was the first major surgery ever preformed aboard a submarine. And it was performed by a man who stepped up to the job. Four months after the successful surgery, Chicago Daily News reporter George Weller told the story. Here is his article, which won a Pulitzer Prize for distinguished reporting in 1942.

Because some pictures, you just don't want explained.

old and busted: internet movie database. the new hotness: the internet movie firearms database

dead iron monsters - a legacy of the soviet union

July 19, 2007

I Have Such Things To Show You.

Hey I hope you guys don't mind my asking, but WHAT THE FUCK DID CATHERINE BELL DO TO HER FACE? She used to be one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. And now it's like staring at a car wreck. Nose cancer is the only thing I can think of.

You know how with the new iPhone you're locked in to having AT&T as your cell provider? Well as it turns out, not so much, after all!

Hey remember Death from Family Guy?

Here's a video of a three foot long having a tapeworm pulled out. Man, that's just fucking creepy!

Birds and the's springtime here in South Texas. The mating rattlesnakes in the attached pics were photographed by Jim Winch on his ranch just east of Laredo, Texas in March of 2007 - Shumpy

And remember, things aren't always what they seem. So will someone please help get this fucking car out of my way, it's blocking the street. Like Blade says, why do some motherfuckers always try to ice skate up hill.

One person was killed and as many as 30 others were injured -- four seriously -- after a steam pipe exploded on the East Side of Manhattan during the evening rush hour. The blast caused brief panic about another terror attack, with a scene eerily reminiscent of 9/11: people frantically rushing away from a Manhattan explosion amid falling debris and blaring sirens. But officials quickly ruled out terrorism and said the blast was caused by a ruptured 83-year-old steam pipe.

old and busted: dance dance revolution. the new hotness: dance dance immolation

top 10 most memorable movie cars. i'd replace the italian job's mini coopers with christine

July 18, 2007

Reality Check.

A new survey shows that the more female you are physically, the harder it is to be taken seriously in business. For example, women with very large breasts have a harder time being promoted than women with penises.

But seriously. A number that gets thrown around by the media a lot is 3,617, which is the current number of American soldiers killed in Iraq. With a KIA, it's a nice clean, distinct line. The soldier was alive; now they're not. Well maybe clean isn't the right word for it, but there's a definite distinction between living and dead. There are no varying degrees of death. You're simply not alive anymore.

Pretty much every morning, you can unfold you local newspaper and somewhere on the front page find an article that reads something to the effect of, "HUMVEE destroyed in IED attack: XXX American soldiewr killed, YYY wounded." Now the XXX part is, as I said, nice and clean. They're dead. Their bodies will be shipped home. They will be given flag draped coffins. Maybe a memorial at their base or a blurb in a church bulletin. They will be buried. Their family will be forced to replaced a loved one with some GI life insurance money. And to the American public, that's that.

But what about the YYY wounded? To us, being wounded in battle isn't that bad. To us, being wounded in battle means you'll be carried off the evac bus by a dress wearing medic with hairy legs, Hawkeye will make you smile before operating to remove shrapnel from your belly (which he'll do without complications), you'll make a pass at Hot Lips in post-op, Father Mulchahey will lift your spirits, you'll chase nurses with Trapper, and share a nice anecdote with Radar while he pops you back on the bus, and before you know it you're back home in the states.

Fortunately -- or unfortunately -- for the soldiers wounded in Iraq, modern medicine allows the caregivers to save the lives of a great many wounded who would succumb to their wounds in previous conflicts. But whether or not you think that's a good thing might depend on what side of the scalpel you're on. The ghastly side of war is there's always going to be soldiers coming home with missing legs, or arms or eyes or feet. That hasn't changed from The Crusades to the Revolutionary War to World War I to Vietnam, where Lieutent Dan lost both his legs. As I'm sure you've seen or heard in some random article, that the signature wound for Iraq is turning out to be Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), mostly caused by IED attacks. So what about these injuries? There's no prostetic for your fucking brain. Once it gets scrambled, you're sent back to the states to see doctors specializing in head injuries. And maybe they can unscramble your brain; but maybe they can't.

A week ago I watched a documentary that followed five soldiers who returned from Iraq with TBIs. It was on Discovery, or TLC, or some shit. The degree of their wounds varied from one guy who was just unlucky enough to be standing too close to a grade when it went off, all the way up to another guy who was the sole survivor when his HUMVEE rolled over an IED. The challenges faced by the first guy, while certainly nothing to sneeze at, were fucking trivial when compared to the last guy's. Had to wear a helmet for the first few months; had to do physical therapy and relearn how to walk; stacked different color blocks to regain fine motor control; stuff like that. Very similar to what you'd expect for someone who has been in a car accident, or just had a stroke. Again, challenging, but ultimately not too life altering. Ten years from now he may not be able to do calculus in his head like he used to. Or maybe he doesn't like broccoli when he did before the injury, but by far he'll still be a productive member of society.

But the other poor bastard. Wow. Lost a good portion of his brain to shrapnel. And not so much a human being anymore, as just an empty husk of a man. Not so lucky as to be in a vegatative state, fuck that would be a blessing. No his body is just a twisted orgy of grarled, clenching fingers, and trembling, twitching legs. Eyes that roamed the room in random patterns with a stare so vacant you might as well be looking into that of a corpse. Jaws gnashing at the air and drooling. His mother had to give him eyedrops every hour, because he (it?) was incapable of blinking. Speech was a distant memory. The only sound that came was the occasional gurgling or grunt; and even then so unpredictably that it couldn't possibly be confused for any attempt at communication. Shits and pisses into plastic bags attached to his hospital bed. Fed through a tube hanging where his belly button used to be. Sedated with drugs each night to force the body into whatever form of sleep it was still capable of. Of course his mom said that he sometimes smiled when people walked into the room, but I think that was just her seeing what she wanted to see when the random twists of his face just happened to form a familiar shape. Is "he" still in there somewhere? A consciousness trapped somewhere deep down in the broken jail cell of a body? I dunno. Neither did the docs.

But as dead as his soul or his personality or whatever you want to call it, may be... he's listed as wounded. Modern medicine will allow us to keep his body alive long after it would have mercifully surrendered to his otherwise mortal wounds. But at what cost. Not financial cost mind you, but emotional cost. At what cost in human dignity? Just because we have the means to keep someone alive, doesn't mean that we always should. Like they said in Pet Cemetary, "Sometimes, dead is better."

So the next time you sip your morning coffee and scan the front page for that YYY number please remember, they're probably not M*A*S*H wounded. No, these guys coming back wounded are Fucked. Up. I hope I didn't make anyone too emotional with that little tirade, it was just something that I saw and decided I wanted to write about. On to lighter things, mark your calendars for August 21st, boys! Hayden Panettiere is currently 17.9178 years old. And she will deserve love just like everyone else.

Apparently Lovitz kicked the shit out of Andy Dick recently. I'd have paid a lot to see it. - Wade

Also noteworthy is John is in second place for Defy Gravity, and the leader is a newcomer -- Juan who made it to level 7. If you think you can beat him, perhaps it'll be time for a little Juan on Juan, eh? Play Defy Gravity.

"rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil galactic empire..."

britney spears: a rare photo history from 1992 to 2007. i'd say 2001 was the pinnacle

July 17, 2007

How To Install A Home Security System.

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they chased the mailman this morning and fucked him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked up all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."

Hey Ernie, My wife took these pictures of a very strange looking tree the patio of her villa in Positano Italy. There is no reason why the "feline repellent" was placed in the second picture she just thought it was funny. Keep up the great work! Jason M.

russians like to make internet stars from amusing or extraordinary people seen in mass communication media... this time it's big eyeball guy

July 16, 2007

So How Was Your Weekend?

Mine was pretty quiet. Didn't get into too much trouble. I was a little slow waking up this morning, though. And then I hit my shin on the coffee table, so I'm a little pissy right now.

For some ungodly reason, Tila Tequila is the most popular Myspace girl ever. She will be happy to tell you that, too. Now granted she certainly not rough on the eyes, but she's also dumber than shit. So why the fuck would she do a CNN interview to demonstrate this?

Ernie - New submission for you. I filmed (along with several others) this building coming down this morning. Tossed it up on Youtube. Sad to see the destruction- could have been used for hundreds of things, including one kickass paintball area, but that's why I don't get paid the big bucks. Jason

Being from Rochester, I actually used to walk right by that building on my way home from school sometimes. And as much as I hate Rochester now -- the chicks there aren't very nice -- I'm actually a little sad to see that building come crashing down. Aside from not being there to see the destruction myself, I guess I hold a little nostalgia for Kodak since it's the lifeblood of the city. Xerox and Bausch & Lomb also have (maybe had?) big complexes there, but it's all dying. Kodak was too slow to move to digital photography, Xerox is steadily bleeding out to digital imaging, and cheaper offshore manufacturing has taken its toll on B&L. Ah well, fuck 'em.

This is funny stuff. Three girls decide to fill a bath tub with hot sauce, and take a dip. The end is classic, one chick has to take a bath in milk.

Erns .... We manufacture this machine to fold and glue just about any paperboard box. This is a greeting card (egg-shaped) that needed to be folded (not glued) ; as you would buy in the store. Can't tell you who's card it is, but they do send Americans Greetings all the time. This used to be done by hand! Please, no rage against this machine. Thanks, Andy C. former raw chicken sandwich from burger king man

Wow, 106,000 folds an hour? Beat that, you Japanese bastards!

Do your part to fight crime - while his wife on the phone with 911, Leroy decides to take care of the burglar breaking into his home... using a .38 revolver! Leroy drops bombs!

The lights go out at a restaurant. When they come back on, everybody else is naked. How would you react?

want to read the latest harry potter book, yet not be busted for being the pussy you are? use these mock book jackets

mass ave bridge closed sunday 4/22/07 6am-3pm to appease godzilla

July 14, 2007

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

July 13, 2007

Wow, That Scared Me.

What scared me? Why pig cock, what else? Well, that and this guy ahead of me in traffic. Goddamn Friday the 13th.

Plus this picture made me laugh. Yep, just another example of the white man using the black man to get higher.

Speaking of Jesus, let's talk about what happens after you die. Or more precisely, what happens after rats die. Old news is rat mummification, shit I posted that last year I think. The new hotness? Rat zombies with glowing eyes. Scary, huh?

So anyway, I had to make a call to BestBuy support because I couldn't log onto my Rewards Zone account -- hey you laugh, but I got $65 coming. Anyway, I call their 888 number and after blundering my way through the most obnoxious, un-intuitive phone menu known to man, I get connected to some dickhead with the thickest Indian accent I have ever heard. He informs me his name is, "Joe". Are you fucking kidding me? Does BestBuy really think that if these Indian weenies adopt WASP sounding that we the customer won't think we've talking to some outsourced tech job? C'mon, give us a little fucking credit for Christ's sake, man. I'm not oblivious to what's going on ya know.

Just moved to Ottawa, and saw this intersection a few streets away from our place: I've included the picture. The guy at the city planning office must have been bored one day... Take care, Chris

Oh, and Eliza Dushku doesn't wear underwear sometimes.

Oh, oh and the current leader in Ping Bricks is... nobody, because that game sucked ass. By right clicking and choosing 'play' you could restart and keep your score, thus is was too easily cheated. Thanks to Scott for pointing that out. SO instead we're going to Defy Gravity. Use your arrow keys to keep the little black ball in the middle of the screen. Gravity will shift from up to down, left to right, double gravity, spiral gravity, you name it. How long can you keep the ball in play?

Oh, oh, oh, and Amish people pick their nose, just like me.

grab some popcorn, sit back, relax... and watch a few movies. there's some new shit on there, too.

miss your old commodore 64 like i do? then make yourself a commodore pda, duh!

July 12, 2007

I Hate To Be The Bearer Of Bad News But...

... as of 5pm yesterday afternoon, EHOWA's lifespan has become finite. I say this with a heavy heart because ladies and gentlemen, by my best calculations, I will be dead within one year.

You see, yesterday evening I discovered that a Little Caesar's Pizza opened up a scant 2.4 miles from my house. And you know what they sell there? That's right. Pizza. Lots of pizza. And this is how it works. You walk in. You hand the guy behind the counter a $5 bill. The guy takes it. And he turns around. And he picks up a fresh hot pizza. And then he turns back around. And he hands it to you. A whole pizza. A whole fucking pizza. For only five fucking dollars. And that's with pepperoni.

And so, I predict that within the next year, I will bloat up to somewhere around 400lbs, before falling over dead from a cardiac arrest. It's been nice knowing you. We sure had some good times, didn't we?

But before I ride off into that big pizza parlor in the sky, I'll make the time we have together very memorable. Don't cry for me, Argentina. Because I should have seen this one coming. I haven't made a decision on what I'm going to do with my truck yet. Remember, it only gets about 8 miles per gallon. Going down hill. With a tail wind.

Hmmm, I wonder if my HMO will pay for a pre-emptive angioplasty? Probably not, they're pretty cheap from what people have told me. I'll just sit home, play World of Warcraft and wait for the end. Et tu, Brute?

panda escapes zoo... duck loves puppy... snail plane... accident avenue... cop busts a move... super duper truck... moment of shame and fame...

how good are your photoshopping skillz? can you spot the real photos among the computer generates ones?

July 11, 2007

What Can I Say, She's A Cock Lover.

Hey great news for everyone with a sick child. GWB made a contribution towards embryonic stemcell research! Here's proof!

So anyway, the winner on the QWERTY Warriors 2 was Ripper with 2.7 million. One thing I didn't take into consideration was the different levels of difficulty the game offered. I had to disqualify a few people who played the easy levels. The next Game Challenge is all about simplicity. In fact, you'll be hard pressed to find a game with a simpler premise -- it dates back to the Atari 2600 days. Use your mouse and bounce the ball back to destroy the blocks, ah'la Breakout. You get one point per block. You also onyl get one life - miss one and you're game is over. The higher your score, the wider the playing field gets. It's Ping Bricks. Ready... set... go!

Ernie - Love the site. A buddy of mine sent me these pictures of one of his companies train derailed. He said 74 cars in total skipped the tracks and it was carrying a full load of Iron pellets. I don't know where it was going or where it happened but I thought you would enjoy the pics. Keep on keepin' on. - David.

It looks like you’ve gotten on a bit of a crash theme this week. I thought you might be interested in hearing about this one if you haven’t already. On March 23, 1994 at Pope Air Force Base (Ft. Bragg, NC), the pilots and air traffic controllers were working on taking off and landing of multiple types of aircraft at the same time. Unfortunately, someone in the tower screwed up and an F-16 and a C-130 attempted to land on the same strip at the same time. This resulted in the C-130 landing on the F-16. Of course the outcome of this was one the most massive fireball I’ve ever had the horror of seeing. The crew of the C-130 and the pilot of the F-16, of course were killed on impact and this in itself would have been a horrible tragedy. But to make matters worse, there was a battalion of paratroopers sitting behind the flight line waiting to board a group of C-141s for a jump. They were engulfed by the fireball. The ones who were killed were the lucky ones as many of the others suffered from severe burns and other horrific injuries. Nearly all of the medics on Ft. Bragg were deployed to help treat the injured soldiers as well as several hundred regular troops to help with evacuation, traffic control and other various duties. Just being stationed at Ft. Bragg and losing that many fellow paratroopers in a senseless mess is bad enough, but this story has a personal touch for me. I was originally scheduled to jump with the battalion that was on the flight line. Two hours before the jump, I was scratched because my operations sergeant found another jump the next day the he thought I would like better. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt touched by the hand of God, but I certainly did that day. You can find the story of this accident here, if you’re so inclined. - Drew

Yep, parachutes, explosions, danger, craziness and a little bit of luck. Turns out to be just a normal day for our guys in green. Pretty crazy train pictures though, eh?

my buddy craig summed this up nicely: "i have a man-crush on bear grylls" - so let's watch the top 10 moments in man vs wild...

everything you ever wanted to know about attacking and defending against zombies, but were afraid to ask...

July 10, 2007

I Wonder Is That Picture Is USC-2257 Compliant?

My buddy Matt had the inside scoop on this wrecking ball incident. Matt, I send you a million thank you's for that.

Today has to be brief, because it's errand day and I'll be spending a few hours in the car. And I have to get directions for two of the places I'm going, so that's going to slow me down all the more.

This is right up your alley, Godfather... Trust me. -Jack

Hopefully nobody will play any pranks on my car while I'm out. Sorry so short, time is money today.

trivia question -- aside from 9/11, what's the single worst aviation accident in history? why the two 747's that collided in the canary islands back in 1977of course!

trivia question - what drug is three times as powerful as cocaine but only costs one tenth the price? why it's crystal methamphetamine, of course!

July 9, 2007

...And I'll Take The Low Road.

So given my track record with ATV's, I was thinking maybe it's time for a jet ski? No?

Anyway, to continue with the high road-low road theme, someone sent me this video of a guy (with a mullet) supposedly coming home to find his wife cheating with the best man from their wedding. The thing that struck me as odd is, Angry Husband picks up the baseball bat (or some other weapon?) and goes to town on Best Man's car, but only hits the windshield? I mean if it were me, I'd be sure to hit every single body panel at least once, especially the hood and roof. Isolating the damage to an easily replaced windshield, kind of smells of internet conspiracy to me.

Old and busted: 3x3 Rubik's cube which even your dog can solve. The new hotness: a 100x100 cube which only your computer can solve. Or Stephen Hawking, you know, if he could move his arms.

Hey Ernie! I am sending you some pictures we took this Memorial Day. I love the story you posted about the B-52, but this actually was a common problem, and a few of them made it to the ground a little sooner than expected. I was part of an Honor guard party sent up to commemorate this site, and my girlfriend came along to take some pictures. We had a firing party of 3+ a caller, and 3 to give out the burial flags. Attending the service were some family, random strangers, and Captain Gerald Adler, one of two survivors. He talked for a bit about how they knew it was a special mission, and the plane was packed a little tighter. I didn't hear all his story since I was a ways off with the firing party, but everyone who could hear it, was moved to tears as he spoke of being alone on the mountian, trapped in his seat, and unable to hear anyone else, or knowing if he was going to survive. also in attendance was a couple with an interesting story. I didn't get names, but one pilot switched with another, pulling a Waylon Jennings-type survivor's tale. Since he was friends with this other pilot and his family, he and the widow comforted each other and ended up getting married. It was a really touching service, and the rifle shots went off flawless. Quite a few people ignored the uniforms and gave us very teary hugs. I hope you like the pictures I am sending! SSgt Brent M., 101st Air Refueling Wing, Bangor, Maine

While I'm a firm believer that some plane crashes are funny, I'm sad whenever I read about a Big Ugly Fat Fucker going down. And for anyone curious, Capt Adler received a medical discharge and is a very successful attorney in Sacramento. I do not know if he represented this girl, though.

the fda has announced the new food pyramid. for zombies. mmmmm, braaiiinnnssss!

fire! fire! fire! fire! fire! fire! heh-heh. heh. fire! fire!

July 7, 2007

Insert Your Favorite 7-7-7 Weekend Joke Here.

hero cabbie - i kicked burning terrorist in the balls so hard, that I tore a tendon in my foot...

happypuppy - innocenceisbliss - setthebrakes - thumbsupluke - wakkawakkawakka

ten politically incorrect truths about human nature - #1 is men like big tits, so don't get your hopes too high...

July 6, 2007

And You Don't Wanna Fuck With The Whole Trailer Park.

Man, I have got to do some laundry today, I have nothing to wear. Oh I'm sorry, did that leave a weird taste in your mouth? Me too. I think that guy was kind of a pirate, if ya know what I mean.

Game Challenge. Well, Nate has second place after giving up just shy of 400k, so the current leader (by far!) is The Ripper with 1.8 million. Unless of course, you think you can do better than these two guys.

A girl exposes the fact that she is sleeping with her boyfriends mom on a Jerry Springer. Not only is she sleeping with the mother, but was involved in a threesome, too. Redneck trash at it's finest! No shit!

Hey there Ernie. I was just looking at the site when I saw the clip about the 4” fireworks shell killing that guy. This is a photo of what a 5” shell can do, this one exploded in the mortar. I hope that that article & the attached picture help to illustrate just how powerful fireworks can be & 5” is no where near as big as you can get. If you can’t legally purchase them at a fireworks stand, don’t fool with them. If you want to learn how to safely shoot larger professional shells, go to a school to learn. They are offered all over the country around about Jan. & Feb. - Warren

Check out my off duty Israeli girlfriend. While Lila could never hurt a fly, that look could kill! - Noah.

So am I the only person relieved to find that Paris Hilton isn't the biggest story out there anymore? Far be it from me to slap labels on somebody, but I think the only real purpose she serves is erotic. Who doesn't like to see two hot blondes kissing?

find user-generated cell phone signals by major service providers. find dead spots, and compare signal strengths...

July 5, 2007

But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.

Windows Vista. Eh, it's alright. A few unpleasant surprises though. I can't quite say that I'd call the interface an improvement over XP. Way back when, when Microsoft first made the jump from the 3.1 to the 95 style interface, it just seemed more intuitive. You just instinctively knew how everything worked without really having to look for it. Now with Vista, it's just not as intuitive as it should be. You have to break in and search for it. And they took some of the functionality out, too. Like for me, I want to be able to change the icon associated with certain file types. Guess what -- can't do it. That's bullshit. And the nice "View" menu under Windows Explorer so you can change some options around and add/remove menus? Yeah, that's MIA. Or at least, I can't find a way to turn it on. I dunno, maybe I'll just have to get used to it.

So how was everyone's Fourth of July? Mine wasn't bad. You might even say it was pretty wicked. I even had some nice kabobs to eat. Wanted to go check out the new Transformers movie, but didn't make it. Any of you guys check it out?

But let me get some reader mail posted so I can get back to being long winded...

Ernie, Seen this photo while driving past a very rural watering hole known as the "COPPER HEAD" in Rockport, Illinois. Thought that all the Harley riders would get a kick out of it. Thanks for all the interesting stuff on your site.Dennis

Love your site, sent you a nice cumpie courtesy of the Nashua Telegraph jumble in New Hampshire. Kevin

Hi Ernie, We went to a call for a tractor trailer that had hit a low bridge in our city. It made a nice skylight in his sleeper cab. This bridge gets hit about once a month with various vehicles that are too tall, usually Uhauls and the like. The driver had been driving for this company for about 3 months. Enjoy, Jim A. Rochester, NH

Story of a Mission man that was killed igniting a 4" mortor in Paola, a KC suburb. Man, why would a person stick their head directly over a cannon? Great site! Thanks, John

Mariner manager gives himself the hooker, Knicks dancers blow the whistle, and a fight of the ages with an ancient Evander Holyfield. Plus, your fantasy baseball team experiences statistical warming with Al Gore.

Game Challenge. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I see a sequel come out to to a game that I've featured before. In the first rounf, we had QWERTY Warriors. The premise you were sirrounded by incoming enemies and killed them by typing an associated word. Now with QWERTY Warriors 2, it's changed a little bit. it features new power ups, a new style of gameplay and faster, more difficult modes for your hardcore QWERTY Warriors. As always, include EHOWA in your screen name when you post your scores to their scoreboard. Yeah, I'll admit, typing words may not be as much fun as watching the centerfolds at the Playboy mansion, but it sure beats workin for a living.

special effects in the new transformers movie - who, what, where, when and how!

so anyway, i was like driving along at 88mph right? and like there was this big flash, right?

when the sign says no turn on red... motherfucker, it means no turn on red!

July 4, 2007

Happy Birthday, America!

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

So just for a moment -- before the beer, bratwurst, burgers and bangs begin -- take a moment to remember what we are celebrating. Our country's birthday. Some of us were lucky enough to have won the genetic lottery to live in this country; others fled their homelands to be here. Both of us enjoy more freedom here, than anywhere else in the world. Also remember that our freedom is not cheap and persons better than ourselves have paid for it with their very lives. Honor them. They gave you and me a free and independent America.

Our forefathers swore: "For the support of this Declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."

July 3, 2007

Man I Just Love Vista.

Wow, Vista really kicks ass.

Being that it's all sunny and shit down here in Florida, compounded by the fact that gasoline is like $58 a gallon, I've kicked the idea around of picking up a small motorcycle to use for short trips. Now being a guy who has alway sbeen on four wheels, I just don't know how safe I'd feel on just two. I mean you're pretty vulnerable out there and although I know I can put up a pretty good fight, I don't want anyone ruining my birthday or anything.

It is my sincere hope that you won't fall asleep during this review of the ten best celebrity nipple slips. Crazy celebrities and their crazy diets.

Centrifugal force (from Latin centrum "center" and fugere "to flee") is defined as a term which may refer to two different forces which are related to rotation. Both of them are oriented away from the axis of rotation, but the object on which they are exerted differs. If you find this explanation a little difficult to understand, perhaps this demonstration will help make things clear.

another optical illusion - stare long enough and you might see a runaway jetski. maybe.

July 2, 2007 (Same Bat Channel, Different Bat Time...)

Ah, Nothing Like Feeling Like A Rookie Again. Fucking Vista.

July 2, 2007

eMachine T3092. August 4, 2004 - July 1, 2007. RIP.

So, uh, I go to try and use my computer, right? And like, I wiggle the mouse. And like nothing happens. So I tried tapping a few keys. Still, nothing. So I try the CAPS lock key. The light doesn't change. I open the door to the little cabinet where my computer lives. The hard drive LEG is on solid. ';m not worried, a quick power cycle should make all well. So I turn it off. Wait a few seconds. Turn it back on. I get my happy E logo, so life is good. Then a few seconds into the bootup process... boom. hard drive LED goes solid and the pc locks up again. And again. And again.

Since it was making it someway into the boot process, I just figured the video card shit the bed. The onboard fan died last year and I had to install an aftermarket one to keep it running. I always knew it wasn't going to last forever, but figured I'd ride the wave for as long as I could. So anyway, I crack the case and pull out the suspected bad video card. Reboot. Lockup. Hmmm. Start unplugging things, just to see if it'll boot up barebones. Lockup. Swap the memory around. Lockup. Pull some memory out and try to see if a DIMM is bad. Lockup.

At this point, I know the site has to be updated and it'll just be faster to go out and buy a new fucking computer than to play Troubleshooting 101. So fuck it. Off to Best Buy I go, and an hour later I'm the proud new papa of a Gateway GM5474. It wasn't what I wanted to do right off the bat but like I said, I always knew this day was coming.

Now I have to strip out all of the free trial software crap, install the shit I use, move the old hard drive over to the new computer for a little bit so I can grab a few files, and I should be back in business. And get the hang of Vista, which seems to be a little bit clumsier than XP. Site update later today me thinks!

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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