E R N I E ' S   H O U S E   O F   W H O O P A S S

Insert Your Favorite New Years Eve Joke Here.

So what's on your plate for a new year's resolution? As for me, I'm going to do my 90-Days-No-Booze thing again. That means no beer with lunch. No wine with dinner. No bourbon with bowling. No kidding.

the top 10 celeb d-cup topless movie scenes. nsfw obviously.

Insert Your Favorite New Years Eve-Eve Joke Here.

the top 10 celeb douche bags of 2007

the top 10 most disgusting scenes in american cinema

Insert Your Favorite THREE Days After Christmas Joke Here.

seven things we should pretend never happened in 2007. fucking patriots.

the 50 most loathsome people in america, 2007 edition

Insert Your Favorite TWO Days After Christmas Joke Here.

is it me, or is chuck norris turning into a raging douchebag? first its religion, now this.

true stories, told in one delicious, all emcompassing sentence.

Insert Your Favorite Day After Christmas Joke Here.

meet the world - a different perspective on various national flags. provoking, so don't say i didn't warn you

the following things have been accomplished since duke nukem forever was announced on april 28th, 1997...

Peace On Motherfucking Earth!

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of any and/or all holidays occuring before, after, during or near the the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only "America" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, color, creed, age, sex, physical ability, veterans status, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wished.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where taxed or prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and such warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

bellsofholly - happyholidays2007 - hasslehoffwaitingforyou - santababy - xmashamster - xmaspekingese - xmaspoodle - xmaspug - xmasretriever

Insert Your Favorite Christmas Eve Joke Here...

in this corner, we have the new knight industries two thousand (kitt)

and in this corner we have the top twenty most embarassing pictures of david hasslehoff. ready fight!

Insert Your Favorite Pack, Bowl Position Round, And Hit The Road Day Joke Here...

The Star Wars holiday special in only five minutes so you don't have to watch all two hrs of the craptastic special to get the good parts. - Eric

Ernie, Scroll down this URL to the animated sequence of photos showing a 47' Coast Guard boat getting rolled by 15-20 foot swells off Morro Bay, CA, on December 4, 2007. -Guy

Help build EHOWA City! - Josh

Hey Ernie, Long time reader, first time sender. Just landed in your neck of the woods, coming from Philadelphia via Albuquerque. Next weeks 80 degree Christmas will be an adjustment. Have fun up North. I saw this on my way to a holiday party. Luckily I had time to catch it while it was in progress. I guess this pilot really wants people to know the reason for the season. Enjoy - Phix

A nice blood & guts wreck - Greg

These are sold openly at the local supermarket here. Where's PETA now? There must be thousands of poor, henpecked neutered monkeys out there! As a USAF serviceman here in the UK, I must say, your site fucking rocks. Keep it up and thanks. GJB

Erns, Not your typical Christmas card; given to us by our European customer from Zurich). Now we can be comfortable with Christmas AND Diarrhea; at the same time. Andy (former raw-chicken eating victim of Burger King bastards)

Alright, I'm rollin. Holla Holla, Get Dolla!

have you ever wanted to say "thank you" but didn't?, then later wish you had?

behold, everything you see here is from jenna jameson getting slammed in the ass on camera. merry christmas!

Only Five More Days...

... until it's fucking Christmas, baby! So of course this will be my last full text update before I head back to glorious New England for a stretch. I'll have my laptop with me of course and will still be doing updates, but chances are I probably won't be writing quite as much. The updates will be more weekend'esque. So hang on my every word now while you still can.

This year's LBEH campaign went well. Despite me spending the first two weeks of it flat on my ass with the flu and couldn't do anything, Kat and Bibi were able to rise to the occasion and keep things rolling smoothly. Each year we usually get one or two requests from Marines who'd like to come back from Okinawa. This year we received about twenty, and were able to fulfill thirteen of them. Any more and we wouldn't have any funds left over to help anyone else! Right now we have about $68,000 in cash donations, and another 400,000 in frequent flier miles. I still have another thirty or so donor names to post, so if you don't see yours and you've donated recently, don't have an aneurysm. My heartfelt thanks to everyone who donated. And for those of you on my mailing list who didn't donate, I am turning your email addresses over to the guy who runs 2girls1cup. Merry Christmas!

All in all 2007 was an up and down year for me personally. Not horribly catostrophic, and yet not wildly euphoric either. I still have a roof over my head and beer in my fridge, so I guess I can't complain too much given the way the economy is going. My intent when I moved down to FLorida was to buy a bar, and my local watering hole was up for sale the past few months. I had given some pretty serious consideration to buying it and I think what held me back was the owners were a married couple who decided to call it quits and get divorced. She wanted to keep her half and continue to run the bar. He wanted out from his half and so his portion was for sale. My better judgement warned me at the thought of buying into a divorce; I buy his half out, their divorce turns nasty, he gets half her shit and now he's a 25% partner again. So I kind of sat back and watched this one from the sidelines, and sure enough two days ago, a group of four guys just bought the whole bar for 125% of the combined asking price - paying $250,000 for the whole shootin match. I think that's way too much money considering; they don't own the building; or the parking lot; and it's a limited liquor license, meaning they can serve beer & wine but no hard stuff. So these four guys just shelled out a quarter of a million dollars for a bunch of barstools, three blenders, a handful of Bud pitchers, and a small grill. So eh, we'll see how this one unfolds. As long as they keep NTN trivia, I'm happy.

Cute brunette Sasha compares modern age porn performers to the Gladiators of ancient Rome, due to the physical considitioning they each endure for the pleasure of the masses. And with the number of nipple clamps this chick can take, I have a hard time disagreeing with her. And with that, I'll see you all in 2008! I was going to make Gimme Friction the next game challenge, but since I won't be in a position to sift through the scores, it is what it is. (That means don't send it in, you stupid fuck!)

video proof that CGI has ruined movies forever. ahhhh, the 70's when stuntmen were stuntmen

i'm not sure what this has to do with christmas, but here's 'robin hood men in tights' in its entirety

Wow. I Guess Multi-Million Dollar Contracts Can't Buy Brains.

Or condoms. But I'll bet they buy a lot of diapers. For a family that would otherwise never have to actually work a day in their lives, they sure do their best to fuck things up. So if this isn't proof you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you just can't take the trailer park out of the girl, then I don't know what is. Somebody done flip on dang NASCAR, man! Left! Left! Left! Left! Yeee Haw!

Normally I do my Christmas shopping after I make it to New York, but after a phonecall from my sister-in-law warned me there were no Nintendo DS's in the area, I realized I had take care of business before hitting the road. So yesterday I spent about eight hours playing a game I like to call, "The Nintendo Lottery." Where as since I have four nieces/nephews of Nintendo playing age, and they make four different colors of Nintendo DS (don't even talk about the limited edition blue), clearly you can see what I had to do. Because God-fucking-forbid there be two with the same color; that would just be completely unacceptable. So Gamestop has black ones, but nothing else. Target, Toys-R-Us, and Best Buy all have red, and lots of em. They must be the bastard color. Walmart has nothing. Sam's Club has pink ones, but they're part of a kit that's $40 more expensive than the stand alone consoles, which isn't that bad until you factor in the stuff in the kit sucks ass. Costco has better kits, which are pretty cool actually, but in black only. FYW, had a pink one up until twenty minutes before I got there. You'd like to think you'll outsmart your adversaries by letting your fingers do the walking. Right. And of the places that did have the DS, will any of them hold one until you get there, even if that's only ten minutes out? "Uh, please go fuck yourself, Mr. Customer." So after eight hours, two drive-thru value meals, and a half a tank of gas... I have accomplished what can not be done in the Rochester area. I have secured four Nintendo DS's, all of different colors. Hail to the king, baby.

Actually the military pictorials are still very much alive and kicking, there's just no longer a sidebar section called 'military stuff' -- just like there's no more 'crashes and accidents' or 'mother nature vs...' or 'celebrity babes'. All the pictorials are still here, including this new one, but their links have all been moved under the features link at the top of the page. This way I could use a 140x70 thumbnail to give a visual preview of the photo set, instead of two or three words which could be misleading at times. The features section allows for better search engine optimization, too. It's better for, it's better for me, and so it's better for America.

Because you're going to want to keep your eyes on target when you're flying this big motherfucking plane in to scoop up some water.

an in depth look at the physics behind ford's f-150 stopping a plane commercial

great collection of cool google earth pics - use the black up/left arrows to choose the pic

Santa Is Watching You.

I had just finished my Christmas shopping for the day and was leaving the mall when I heard a very quiet whimper coming from a little boy sitting on the sidewalk. I was concerned when I didn't notice any adults around him. As I approached, I could see he was holding a $100 bill in his hand. I said, "What's the matter, little boy? Where are you parents?" The boy, with a very soft voice said, "My mom is at home with my two brothers, and four sisters. My dad isn't around anymore. Mom sent me here to get Christmas presents for the family. She gave me all the money she had, $200." "So why then are you sitting here crying?" "Someone took my other $100." "Did you scream for help?" "Yes." "And no one came to help you?" "No." "Well, how did you scream for help?" And in his soft voice, barely audible the boy let out a, "help, help." So realizing that no one could possibly hear him screaming for help, I grabbed the other $100 and ran to my car.

Ah, Christmas. Makes ya sick, eh? The only time of the year we all practice good will towards men. Yep, that's about as much Christmas spirit as the North Koreans have for G'Dubya.

As you all know, I love classic cars. I'll never get tired of studying a classic beauty. I'm posting it because I imagine you also appreciate classic lines and beauty. There's no need to thank me. That's what friends are for.

five reasons why you shouldn't get too drunk at your company christmas party

the seven most embarrassing celebrity business failures.

I Wonder If Winter Driving A Perishable Skill?

And I was just getting ready to write about how I was looking forward to my annual jaunt northwards, and then the *second* winter storm rolled into New England. I will once again be renting a bad ass Toyota Matrix for the drive because it's good on gas. Suddenly I feel very exposed. Now I'm wondering if I'll need to swap that motherfucker out for a big four-wheel drive once I get up there. One good thing about the Midwest getting pounded by ice storms is, it gives everyone on the coast about two or three days notice to get ready. It's not nice to mess with Mother Nature. That bitch bites back.

And the highest score in Cannon Bods is... Ryan-Oh with 1,281,010. That's some mighty fine policework there, Lou.

If you're anything like me and lust after the new 2008 Dodge Challenger, and are just trying to find time to get to the dealer, you need to try harder. Chrysler has stated that after December, it is very likely they will not be taking any more orders for the new Challenger SRT8. Read More...

notable deaths of 2007 - so long ike turner, namesake of my dog.

it serves 125, takes eight hours to cook and is stuffed with 12 different birds... now that's a christmas dinner

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Hey Ernie after seeing the messed up APC, it inspired me to send in my own photos of one of our vehicles that got taken out. Like the other person said, amazingly, no one was killed in this blast. EOD said that it was two propane tanks filled with HME (home made explosive). The worst injury that came from it was a broken elbow. These vehicle are simply amazing to withstand such an explosion. The vehicle in the pics. is a RG-31 South African made vehicle. Our battalion got back from Iraq in Sept. We was tasked with finding IEDs and the battalion combined found over 1000 of them. Please with-hold my name if you post these pics. I would also like to say thanks for all the help and support you give our soldiers. Sgt. J.

watch the first five minutes of alien vs predator:requirem. no oscars, i'm sure, but two hours of entertainment.

everything you ever wanted to know baout buffy the vampiure slayer, but were afraid to ask

Cable Modem Pseudo Fucked.

I can browse the web fine, but all my ftp flients time out with 425 errors. Just started today, and before any fucking thimblehead write in and make me beat you to death, no it's not a firewall problem. I think it's actually something with the Netgear router. Weird.

Yeah the 1girls1cup thing has been out for awhile, and I just couldn't bring myself to post it. But like he said, there are some nice collections of people's reactions posted on youtube, though.

The first ever Megan Fox nipple slip pictures have emerged. And while they don't quite show as much as say, Kirsten Dunst or the old Lindsay Lohan used to, but they're quite spectacular none the less. I'd prefer she had less of a tan so you could see more distinction between boob and nipple, but hey, I'm not complaining either.

how many five year olds could you take in a fight?

when will amy winehouse die? the winner gets an ipod touch

Just The Facts, Asshole.

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's termwas Political Correctness. The winner wrote, "Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

For the many that have asked (and those that haven't yet), the Controllable Christmas Lights for Celiac Disease are up for 2007! There are three live webcams and X10 powerline control technology system so web surfers can not only view the action, but also *control* the 17,000 lights. Heck, you can even inflate/deflate the giant Elmo, Frosty, Santa, pongeBob SquarePants, and Homer Simpson – D’OH!

In case you've been living under a rock for the past twenty four hours, the first sign of the apocolypse is upon us - Jessica Alba is pregnant with boyfriend Cash Warren's child, her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. "I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer," says rep Brad Cafarelli. Alba, 26, has dated Warren, 28, since the fall of 2004 after they met on the set of The Fantastic Four, on which Warren was a director's assistant." That sucks, because she used to be soooooo hot. Godammit, Hollywood is ruining everything.

So as the midwest hets their ass handed to them by a catostrophic ice storm, I'm reminded of the one that hit Rochester back in 1991. I know you're going to be relieved when it's thawed but trust me, your kids are having a fucking ball.

And the new leader in Cannon Bods is Travis who reached 236.

uh-oh, looks like roger clemons is going to get the spankie spankie, along with 'several prominent yankees'

since i'm not on the juice like clemons is, i am only 63% bionic - test number four fucked me up.

May I Have Your Attention For A Moment.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth,assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second -- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). And 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each.

In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds,would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Oh, and Jeremy is in the lead for Cannon Bods. Oh, and fuck the Patriots.

take the booze test. i'm 98% alcoholic (duh). i would have swore that wine came before beer?

photos taken by robert d. jester, 5th special forces group, vietnam, 1964-1966

looking to score a nintento wii for christmas? this site has all the ebay auctions on one page...

FINALLY!

I've been lobbying Caesar's Palance for what seems like an eternity and it looks like my efforts have finally paid off. Now I can make a blackjack bet worth a damn. Because $25,000 a hand was soooooo yesterday.

And I have a very serious question, and much unlike me, I'm not trying to be a smartass. Am I the only person who sees that the New England Patriots have turned into the New York Yankees? The most hated team in their sport? For a team that was a nobody last year to go undefeated is one thing, but nobody likes a super-team that wins all the time. That's what made the Yanks the most hated team in baseball.

I love Leelee Sobieski, even if she is fifty seven feet tall.

But alas, in the hopes that sportsmanship is alive and well here in EHOWA, I have the next game challenge. It's by the same folks who made Odd Bods -- remember that one -- with the quirky little cartoon characters that you had to match up. The new one is called Odd Cannon, and you have to match up the characters again, only this time you fire them out of a cannon. So it's a combination of the recognition skills you used before, added with a little mouse power. In order to qualify for this score, you MUST post your high score to their leaderboard and you MUST have EHOWA in your screen name!

hanging, electric chair, gas chamber, firing squad and other historic methods of capital punishment

my mom said i could! my mom said i could! my mom said i could! my mom said i could!

T-Minus Fifteen Days And Counting.

Back north I used to love this time of the year. It was cold enough where the snow wasn't melting and turning an ugly gray, yet still warm enough where a brisk walk outside wouldn't take your breath away. Trying to get into the spirit of Christmas when you're still wearing shorts and mowing your lawn was one of the hardest adjustments to make when I moved to Florida. This year I'm finding it a little easier to get into the swing of things. I guess I've grown accustomed to the cheesy inflatable lawn ornaments that inhabit everyone's front lawns. They're sure no replacement for the real thing, but I guess people are making do with what they have, given snowmen don't do well in 79 degree heat. I'm not saying I'm ready to go Christmas caroling, but at least I'm not all bah-humbug'ey like I was last year. My prediction is I'll be all settled in by Christmas of 2008. Besides, I'll get more than my fair share of snow in about two weeks with my annual migration north coming up.

And a quick snapshot of how LBEH is doing this year: Donations received: $60,238.45. Miles donated: 282,500. Number of donors: 787. Largest donation: $2,200.00. Smallest donation: $2.00 Average: $76.93. (Stats are for money donors only, frequent flyer mile donations aren't tallied up here). Number of tickets completed: 106. Number of tickets awaiting funds: 18. Total number of completed tickets from Okinawa, Japan: 11. Average cost of Okinawa ticket: $1,509.72. ...and the work marches on! Pretty soon it'll be the end of 2007 -- you know, the year we started putting armed guards in churches.

Fuck you, Enrique Iglesias. I hope you die old and busted, like Spider Pig is going to.

coming soon to a crackhead near you - the 12 gauge taser. bringing the pain junt in time for christmas!

christmas tree - the more you type the bigger it gets. grow one and send it along.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

it's the weekend so it's time to catch a little sun and drink a few (too many) beers!

deer hunting at 140mph = some pretty expensive engine work

chefboyrzombie - cmonplease - crisiscounseling - santahatesmondays - thenewjohnnydamon

Remember Pearl Harbor.

One of the most remarkable survival stories of the Japanese attack at Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, is that of Walter Staff. Born in Magna, Utah, he grew up in Salt Lake City where he attended South High School before joining the Navy in February 1940. He was assigned to the battleship USS Oklahoma in the summer of that year. On Friday night, December 5, 1941, the Oklahoma returned to Pearl Harbor from maneuvers in the Pacific . Part of the crew was given shore leave, and those who remained on board looked forward to weekend of light duty. Walter was among those on board the battleship when it was attacked and sunk . He remained trapped in the submerged battleship for two days until rescue crew were able to set him and a companion free . He was one of 32 sailors to be rescued from the Oklahoma, which lost 450 of its 1,300-member crew during the attack.

Interviewed nearly 50 years later, the ordeal remained vivid in Walter Staff's mind: "I had been to breakfast. First general quarters sounded. Everyone was grousing around, we had just been off maneuvers, it was Sunday morning. We thought it was just another drill again and why on Sunday morning? Then about thirty seconds later a boatswain's mate came just screaming over the speaker. And you could tell by his voice that something was wrong. My general quarters station was on the water watch [to check for water leaking into the ship]. I had to go the length of the ship on the third deck. I was about halfway down the port side, and we felt this one hit . I came back up out of the lower compartment into this big forward air compressor room,… and we got another hit. It shattered the lights and we were in complete darkness. Then it was just like a waterfall, all of a sudden you are in water. I came to and felt around and Centers was there with me…

"We could hear firing, and then later on after the main battle was over we could hear boat whistles, and we knew we were sunk, but we had no idea how bad everything was. We knew where we were trapped and expected the air to be used up. We would just pass out, and we were resigned to our fate. We didn't see any hopes at all knowing about where we were and everything.

"You lose all track of time. Then we heard some tapping and we figured something was going on. They tapped one-two, one-two. Then we tapped back…. We could see a little bit of light. They are cutting away and I am watching the water below us. The water is coming up and they are cutting. I thought the water was going to beat them. It is up around your waist now, up around your neck. The water was running out where the rescue crew was working, so they just took off. You could hear them leave. It is about the worst thing, because you are that close to being rescued. You can just about touch somebody and then they had left.”

“We pushed into this other compartment. We dogged the door down after we got in so none of that water could get in. Pretty soon they were up above us, and there was a hatch on this one. They yelled down asking if we were in a dry compartment. I told them "Yeah," and they said, "Stand clear." The door flops open and there's your rescue party. I thought it was just getting dark Sunday night when we came out and it was just getting light Tuesday morning. I lost twenty pounds since I didn't have anything to eat or drink for two days we were trapped in the ship."

The source for this story was Dr. Kent Powell, "Utah Remembers World War II."

Okay, final scores in the You'll Shoot Yer Eye Our challenge. First the easy one. The highest score without rolling the odometer over is 9,996,417 by alex. Notice how he didn;t get greedy and pretty much threw away his last shot when he knew he was close. Smart. For the most bounces in a single shot record, we believe it or not, have a three way tie. Keith, Tom, and Topher each knocked their bb around 264 times. Someone send in a score of 400+, but it was obviously photoshopped. So there you have it. This game was without a doubt the most sucessful challenge I've ever put out there. I had well over 800+ entries. In fact you liked it so much, I'm going to let you folks watch the entire movie online.

think someone has a few extra nickels to do some christmas shopping with this year? - yeah, not so much

if you ever wondered what to get me for christmas, this is it. it's the original deathmobile from animal house.

think you're hardcore? see how your lifetime of injuries stack up against evel knievel's

Good News, Bad News.

The good news is the cough has almost gone away, so my throat doesn't feel as raw anymore. The bad news is I've been shitting water for the past 24 hours, so my bunghole is raw instead. Last night I was sitting on the throne and I sneezed, sending a huge glob of clear snot sailing across the bathroom to spatter against the side of a cabinet; at the very same instant the sudden muscle spasm from the sneeze forced another surge of diarrhea out of my already overworked sphincter. I snickered. It was truly coming from both ends. The only thing I'm missing is vomiting, really.

On the LBEH side, Kat, Bibi and Val have been doing more than their fair share of things, so I have to tip my hat to them. We did receive this thank you note from a mom though, and I thought I'd share it with you folks...

We're crossing the $33k mark in donations. I still have another 100 donors to add to the list, which I hope to have done today. As always, you know my drill, please help.

Leaders in the game challenge(s). Closest to 9,999,999 without going over is Scott with 9,993,374. And the most bounces in a single shot is JR with 203 bounces. One more day before I close this one out!

for those of us who appreciate an engineer with far too much idle time on his/her hands.... thanks shumpy!

how about this for a little blast from the past? it's been 13 years since the pentium floating point bug

I Feel Like One Metric Ton Of Ass.

I've been fighting a cold (flu?) for the past week and have given up. My sore throat has been coughed raw. My head pounds. My body aches. I have no energy. I am nauseous. And thus I will be exceedingly brief this morning.

ever wonder what all the beeps and whirls that r2d2 made meant? wonder no further. nerd.

the dead porn girl zoey zane (emily sanders in the news) - yep, here she be buck nekkid. (nsfw)

I've Always Loved Television.

And while I'll admit that maybe I watch a little more than I should -- bless you DVR -- I'm not a complete junkie. No, I'm not just lion around all the time flicking channels. I've got a handful of shows that I watch pretty religiously, the rest I couldn't give a shit about. Heroes, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Jericho, Numbers, Prison Break, The Office... all wildly popular shows that I just didn't get into. I tried watching one or two, and they just didn't do it for me. And there are a lot of shows that used to be good, but now suck; CSI, ER, Las Vegas, Law and Order(s) just to name a few. So needless to say my DVR list, much like my penis, is rather short yet well defined. So using this chart, I know that I have three episodes of Bones, eight episodes of Boston Legal, one episode of Criminal Minds, three episodes of House, two episodes of My Name is Earl, and one episode of Shark left. NCIS's info is still MIA, and the writer's strike shouldn't have any impact on The Shield, that goodness. I do love to see Vic Mackey really put a fucking blowtorch to the baddest of the bad guys.

And then of course there's always the old standbys to fall back on: like M*A*S*H. You can catch four episodes per day - on the Hallmark channel, if you can believe it -- and they just rolled over from the last episode of the final season (the time capsule episode, not the two hour finale) back over to the original pilot. Henry Blake is alive again. Frank Burns is still making trouble for Hawkeye and Trapper. Radar hasn't gone back to Ottumwa, Iowa yet. And the real treat - all the political incorrectness. A black guy names Spearchucker. And he doesn't mind. Seriously. Although Spearchucker only lasts three episodes before someone realized there weren't any black doctors in Korea and his character simply disappears. Operating room scenes where male doctors tell female nurses to hurry their pretty little behinds. And the nurses do so without bringing up said doctor on sexual harrassment charges. A belt of whiskey after a long workday without having to wonder if you'll be referred to Social Actions. Ahh, the good ol days.

Oh, getting back to yesterday. For anyone really wanting to get into the Christmas Spirit, A Christmas Story is available via Comcast's On Demand at any time. Woo hoo. To date I have 372 submissions for this game in a single day. See, people really do love the pink bunny suit. And there's also an assload of you sharpshooters out there who found a few sweet spots to shoot for and got some 100+ bouncers, with scores rolling over like a fucking odometer. You people kill me. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to break this game challenge up into two parts. The winner of the first half will be the highest score up to - but not exceeding - 9,999,999. So the minute you roll it over back to 0 points, that's exactly what you have. Thus there's an increased need for skill, not just banging away at a spot you know is going to bounce a bagillion times. The current leader for high score is Toby with 9,908,310 points. The second half will be whoever gets the most bounces in a single shot. Not total at the end of the game, but a single shot. The current leader for that is Ian with 161 bounces. I do have some more entries to look through, so if you've sent a score that beats either of these two, please don't send it again as I'll get to it. If haven't yet and want to beat these two Red Riders, then by all means have at it.

milfs and cougars: a practical guide - but i question their choices for cougars. question indeed.

the evolution of how water is displayed in video games. hey, i remember playing pirates!

I Am Tired And My Back Hurts.

I never knew a family of five could have so much crap. Not stuff, like everyone else, but crap. Stuff you keep when you move, crap you're supposed to throw out. That's how you keep your house from exploding. Unless of course the household is predominantly female. Then crap gets packed up and moved from one house to another, under penalty of death. Broken camcorders. Faded and weathered Christmas ornaments. Concrete frogs. Jars of mayonnaise with about an inch left in the bottom. Decorative rocks. Yes, I said rocks. All of these things would be left at the curb in a penis dominated household. But when the penises are outnumbered by the vaginas 4-to-2, crap becomes stuff. And stuff gets moved.

And Saturday night while I was schleping boxes to and fro, an icon from my childhood died a scant two hours away from me. Who would have thought that after all the shit Evel Knievel pulled back in the day, that he would pass away at the age of 69 of (more or less) natural causes? Sure, pulmonary fibrosis isn't exactly dying in your sleep, but it's a far cry from splattering yourself over the side of the thirteenth bus. All the crazy motocross tricks you see riders doing today? Wouldn't be here if it weren't for Evel. And here I am excited to get my ATV a few feet off the ground. By the way, Evel later jumped fourteen buses in Ohio.

So long Evel Knievel, we hardly knew ye.

Speedroll. At first I thought Jeremy's 216 second finish was going to walk away with it. But beating my by ten seconds was Nate who completed all 40 levels in 206 seconds. The fastest mouse in the west, that man. This next game challenge was just sent in by Mike, and I in the interest of the Christmas season, had to post it right fucking now. I bet you'll shoot yer eye out trying to beat my 14,007. I had a 21'bouncer in there! Right before I lost my depth perception, that is.

Hey thanks for the awesome picture of your beaver, Carrie. I'll treasure it almost as much as my new CAIR Bear.

the world's most awesomest greatest coolest collection of b-rated movies, ever...

Insert Your Favorite Help The Neighbors Move This Weekend Joke Here.

let me be the first to wish you merry christmas in 2007!

watch 101 classic christmas videos online

this moose gets a head start on your uncle ed

tired of happy holidays and holiday cards and holidays cards? so is stuart chepard - it's christmas season, dammit.