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April 30, 2009

Okay, I'm Not Kidding Around Anymore.

A year or so ago, I posted this quick little diddy on the physics involved in an Apache gun shoot. Take special notice of how the M203 chain gun sounds; it's got a "rat-at-tat-tat" sound to it. So being the anal retentive asshole that I am, I kind of cringed when Bowman forwarded in this video of gun camera footage with the description, "A-10 Warthog 30 Mike-Mike." Keep in mind that "Mike" is the phonetic alphabet equivilent to "M", so 30MM. You see the A-10's 30mm cannon sounds so much more different, not to mention since it's fired from a moving plane, so stationary footage like the one shown is practically impossible unless it's filmes from another platform, like was in the case of this A-10 that hunted down some Taliban fleeing on motorcycles (as filmed by a Predator drone).

So as a former blue-suiter I feel it is my duty to illustrate the difference between the damage the M230 30MM gun on an AH-64 Apache helicopter can do versus the damage done by an A-10's GAU-8 Avenger cannon. That's right: M230 gun. GAU-8 CANNON. You see that? Gun. Cannon. gun. CAN-NON. Now from the previous read I talked about joules of energy, but here's a quick chart on the amount of energy a single round releases upon its target, presuming a direct impact. Now let's talk rate of fire. A M230 gun shoots at 675 rounds per minute, a GAU-8 at 3,900 per minute. So not only is the GAU-8 shooting more powerful rounds, it's shooting more powerful rounds six times faster than it's Army counterpart. The 'rat-a-tat-tat' sound of the M230 becomes more like a constant roar, or from further away, sounds like a gentle buzz like similar to when you 'blow raspberries' at a baby. First you see the explosions, then you feel the blast ... ... and then a few seconds later you hear the 'buzz' of the cannonfire. But don't take it too personal Bowman, even sometimes I get sucked into the shit...

RE: Saddam's gold tanker truck. Sorry to burst your bubble, but those bars are all brass. Col. Brown, in the last picture, is my father. Erika B.

Let your mind chew on this for a second. The average human reaction time is 190 milliseconds, which is 0.19 seconds. But I think it's pretty safe to assume that pilots would have faster reflexes than the average schmuck on the street, so let's say pilots can clock in 150 milliseconds/0.15 seconds, which is over a 20% faster. Thus for a military pilot to squeeze and then release the trigger on his weapon, we can guess to be about 0.3 seconds. How many 30mm rounds has the Air Force pilot fired in less than one third of a second? Well 3,900 rounds per minute = 65 rounds per second = 20 rounds in 0.3 seconds. Look down. Give your mouse a good click. Boom, 20 rounds. The Army's M230 output in the same time frame? 3 rounds. Now let's look at the amount of energy released upon a target with the minimal burst. For those of you keeping score, that's a 57 times advantage to the GAU-8. Yes Puddy, career be damned, this makes you the Douchebag of All Time for giving up your seat in the venerable A-10 Warthog.

I work at a commercial lockshop somewhere in the midwest -- would like to share with you the contents of a safe a customer dropped off with a lost combination. The middle number was 69. Anonymous

Yeah you know those Five-Second movies where the entire plots are boiled down to five seconds? Here's fifteen of them. The Lion King made me LOLz. and 'Heat' nailed it right on the money. Why is it when two actors who used to be great; Pacino and DeNiro, get together in the same movie, it sucks? Godfather 2 being the exception of course, but that's only because they didn't play opposite of each other. Three words: Past. Their. Prime.

E! Entertainment Network covers spoof Tiny Entourage, a shot-by-shot remake of the most memorable scenes from HBO’s “Entourage” in which the roles of Vince, Drama, Eric and Turtle are recast with midgets. The rooftop golf scene is okay, the "Let's hug it out bitch" isn't but the one where Drama and Turtle hook up with some cougars from John's past is awesome.

The dirty dozen - Media Matters compiled this list of the twelve worst media moments in Obama's first hundred days. And lots of Cramer Obama-proofing his portfolio. And of course, Fox News catches the most hell. Raise your hand if you're surprised.

CLICK HERE AND YOU WILL HAVE A BOOBIE SEIZURE.

six ways that THE ALMIGHTY PORN reuns the world. safe for work.

welcome to tv-intros, where all we care about is how the show starts.

awesome read: chop-chop square. inside saudi arabia's brutal justice system.

a pair of lungs breathes outside the FUCKING HUMAN BODY with the aid of a device...

enter an ugly url above and hit convert button to be faced with beautiful words of charles dickens.




April 29, 2009

THIS IS NOT A TEST.

On this day in history: After Los Angeles officers were found innocent of savagely beating motorist Rodney King, an assault that was caught on tape, frustrations for many of the people exploded resulting in the L.A. riots. This was a black eye for Los Angeles for years. Well, the riots and the white chick with the big fat ass shoehorned into white pants. I do dis becuz it's free, meyan!

Hey can anyone make this out - is that a Superman beach towel?

Here are ninety-five old school games you can play online. But if you weant to play M.U.L.E. you have to go here and play a Nintendo version. It's not quite as good as the Commodore 64 version, but in lieu of nothing, I'll take it.The Sports Science of Happy Gilmore is tested on a segment on FSN. Pro Golfer Padraig Harrington is put to the test to see if this swing really does what Adam Sandler thinks it will do. Beware of an angry Bob Barker.

Ernie, You might get a kick out of this Craig's List ad, regarding thieves at garage sales. Bo

Here's white people and gang signs... some people should just never. Baierman

HelloWe found batman, became assbat [Ernie says: don't look!]. pj

Ernie, This swine flu remind you of that Pandemic game challenge you had a few years back? I seem to remember my best strategy was to make it highly contagious but not terribly lethal at first, get it to cross borders without killing people so the borders stayed open, and then once all continents were infected than turning up the juice. Comforting, really, to know that was just a game. Right? topher

Erie, Love the site..blah blah blah. I was on Facebook and took one of the site's quizzes. This one was a political quiz. As soon as I saw it I thought of you. Tony in Westerville, Ohio

Tony. I'm glad you thought of me, but while you're at it my name is spelled ERNIE. Cheers. And Topher, yes all this swine flu stuff is just a work of fiction. So yesterday I sit down at Bikini Joes for a few games of NTN and sure enough it's all M*A*S*H trivia so I know I'm going to ki...

WE INTERRUPT THIS REGULARLY SCHEDULE GAME CHALLENGE TO GIVE YOU THIS BREAKING ALERT! NO, I WON'T BE REHASHING PANDEMIC OR PANDEMIC 2, BUT I WILL CHALLENGE YOU TO SCORE HIGHER THAN 3,320 IN THIS NEW THE SWINE FLU SNEEZE GAME. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING ALREADY IN PROGRESS...

...and I says, "Listen you scary cunt, there's lipstick on my glass and it isn't my shade. I want a clean glass." Bitch.

SO HELP ME GOD I WILL BE THE FIRST FUCKING PERSON IN LINE.

if you're done looking through the want ads, see how your city is doing for job growth.

ford fusion hybrid averages 81.5 mpg, sets world record with 1,445 miles on single tank of gas.

john, i don't think we're allowed to wee here. it's fine, just keep a look out.



April 28, 2009

At Least I Didn't Fuck Lumberg.

When Flaherty first made me sit down and watch Office Space, I thought what a dumb fucking movie. Then before I for five minutes into it, I was in love. Now it's one of my favorite movies, right up there with Army of Darkness. So the other night I had an insurance salesman over the house, trying to hock me accident & life insurance, and I swear to sweet baby Jesus it was Gary Cole, who played Bill Lumberg in Office Space. I had to buy a fucking policy because fuck, I don't care if he does rank in the top ten worst movie bosses, it's still Lumberg, man. But having said that, there's no fucking way I'm shelling out $65 for his autograph, no matter how many TPS reports he does.

Me? I fucking loathe NASCAR. I don't find it entertaining at all. What's the fucking point? Go fast. Turn left. Repeat. I just can't get into it. I dunno, maybe if they had more road courses where they sometimes do that thing every once in a while? What's that thing? Oh yeah, TURN RIGHT. But when Carl Edwards went ass-over-tea-kettle off two cars and into the wall before skidding to a stop just short of the finish line, it kind of made me look up from my NTN box. Maybe NASCAR ain't so bad after all, eh?

Here's something that came as quite a surprise to me - Adam Sandler's early stand up routine was actually pretty funny. You can even see how his style developed from then till now. Anyway, here's a clip of a young Adam Sandler posted by someone on YouTube who claims that he predicts his own success in the first 40 seconds? "You've got great jugs." - I'll have to remember that one.

Sorry Long Haired Mike, The Red Sox swept all three weekend games from the Yankees -- including coming back from an 11 to 0 defecit to win 16 to 11 -- and ending with center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury, stealing home plate. Go Sox. And yes, Yankees suck cock.

And for those of you who didn't tune for the weekend update because you were outside doing whatever, your next mission is to build a tower taller than mine. Now keep in mind you can't build a pyramid shape with a wide bottom -- it's all single stack but the phsics engine seems to be prety forgiving when it comes to toppling over. You're awarded points for each blow you sucessfully stack, with combo bonuses for multiple drops in a row. You need to beat my 17,500 but remember, you MUST submit your score to the leaderboard for it to count and of course remember to put EHOWA in your screen name.

Oh and before I go. Excuse me, Ms Spears? Yes, hello yes. Um, before I go I just wanted to warn you that -- oh, how can I say this tactfully -- YOUR FUCKING TAMPON IS SHOWING. Stay classy, Lousiana!

biggie, biggie, biggie, can't you see? sometimes your words just hypnotize me..

ten women we never want to see on any "hot list" ever again.

i'm warning you - DON'T LOOK.

take the quiz: doogie howser journal entry or twitter update?

obama: one hundred ways in one hudred days. some good, some bad. some trivial.



April 27, 2009

Hey! Hey! Eyes Up Here, Asshole.

Well, the good news is we rocked the party on Friday night, and won all seven points against our arch rivals, the Lugg Nutz. The bad news is the team that was one point ahead of us also won all seven points, thus finishing their season.... you guessed it... still one point ahead of us. Thus they got first place, we got second. "But Ernie, second place is still a good finish!". To quote Stroker Ace, "Second place is the first place loser." Now I look back at all those games where we'd lost by 2-3 pins and want to cut my fucking wrists.

You know what the best thing to come out of Rochester, New York is? Me. That's right, me. What's an example of a travesty in Rochester? Popeys runs out of chicken. Yeah, that's a crisis. "They should be havin a tractor trailer out back with da chicken, because they be tryin to feed they kids." And then watch as they be pullin out in a motherfucking Cadillac. No shit. And I used to walk down Lake Avenue on my way home from high school, although it was a McDonalds then. jesus, I hope the Ruskies include Rochester in their first strike package.

Intel co-founder Gordon Moore was a visionary. In 1965, his prediction, popularly known as Moore's Law, states that the number of transistors on a chip will double about every two years. Look, I'll show you.

Feel free to check out these ten best "Coworkers with Benefits" nominees below, but after the interview's over and you've placed your vote for which one actually gets the job, be sure to remember to come back on Friday, May 25, to see who won and to place your vote for the next category, "Married to the Job." My personal vote is for Natalie Hurley/Sabrina Lloyd from "Sports Night" but only because Crista Miller/Kate from the Drew Carey show isn't on there.

Good news: a company offers you a 130 year old four bedroom Victorian style brick home for free. Bad news: you have to move it 1,000 yards to a new location and that includes going up and over a forty foot wall to a church. With some amazing pics. Man, you British guys get all the good stuff. Free houses, free Guiness, free dental care. Man, it's just not fair!

This might sound a little fishy to you but there are those who believe that somewhere in the vast blackness of space, about nine billion miles from the Sun, the first human is about to cross the boundary of our Solar System into interstellar space. His body, perfectly preserved, is frozen at –270 degrees C (–454ºF); his tiny capsule has been silently sailing away from the Earth at 18,000 mph (29,000km/h) for the last 45 years. He is the original lost cosmonaut, whose rocket went up and, instead of coming back down, just kept on going.

If you missed GI Joe: Resolute this weekend, then you missed out. Here it is in its entirety and broken into bite-sized chunks. (The Storm Shadow/Snake Eyes fight is in Part 8 in case you were wondering.) Culled from Gorillamask.

I was kicking around replacing the stock exhaust on my Yamaha V-Star 1110 Classic... any suggestions?

cool: breathing fire with 150 proof alcohol. not cool: melting your face while you do it.

twelve major brands that will soon disappear, i sure do hope you sold your CROX.

wow, who knew jamie hyneman from the mythbusters is is such a douchebag.

engrish captions from lord of the rings - "too long i have wanted my sister."

maru the cat loves to attack boxes. i hate cats and even i think this is cool.

goofs, bloopers, pictures, quotes and trivia from thousands of movies.

the twelve saddest world record attempts ever caught on video.

OMG IT'S THE SWINE FLU WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE.





April 25, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Second Sucks Weekend Joke Here.

you speeders in new york city? you guys are FUCKED.

eleven predictions that back to the future part ii got right.

remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? we do.

the twenty best "that guys" of all time. hey look, it's david morse!

gene simmons you marketing genius - kiss burger. our meat, your mouth.

ten most celebrated tv show hangouts. i'm not sure if moe's should count, though..

collected here are a some recent photographs looking into reclusive North Korea from the outside.

your mission is to build a tower taller than mine -- and you MUST submit your score to te leaderboard to count!





April 24, 2009

This Shit Makes me Sick.

A few people have sent in email detailing what they claim to be Barak Obama's response to the Somali hostage crisis. As always, 90% of what's in the stories are complete bullshit, so again as always, I'm going to ask you to stop forwarding misinformation around. Besides, we all know what really happened! See, you should always look on the bright side of life, otherwise these massive number one hits might never have been released.

In response to the Pirates off the coast of Somalia, the crew of South Park join in on the fun. On last night's episode of South Park, Cartman's newest hope is to leave Colorado and live the dreamy life of a pirate off the coast of Somalia. Cartman recruits his gang (sans Kyle) and travel to Mogadishu where they become hostages. After being saved by a French cruiseliner, Captain Cartmen commandeers the boat and takes it back to the Somalian pirates where Cartman takes charge. While it's the pirates that talk to Cartman and crew about how great America is, it's the US Navy Seals that save the day. We'll cut off your cock and feed it to our croc, Somalian pirates, we!

A few people have asked and yes, Lefty is doing just fine following her sexual assault. Oddly enough, I think she's mated with the bigger of the two, Humping/Sore Ass Duck, since I see them waddling around together now. As for Voyeur Duck, I dunno, I haven't seen him. I presume he's off in pursut of a Lefty to call his own. And surprise, they're not geese; they're Muscovy ducks. Geese are crazy. They don't give an fuck. Ducks? Manageable. Chickens? Helpful. Sparrows? You don't even know they're there. But geese? Geese will fuck you up. They'll tear your fucking face off if you give them the chance. Don't take my word for it. These hapless schmos found out the hard way that geese are downright gangstas. Not as gangsta as Ike, but probably pretty close. And my earlier pitbull story prompted these...

re; pitbulls, not always the dog, sometime's it's the owner's influence (this was the dog). got my chin in the way of a throat lunge by an American Bull Dog. That’s the kind of dog that prompts me to certain kinds of responses now. If I see one acting weird (flinchy, sneaky looks etc) in public , especially anywhere near kids, I get something to kill it. Then I let the owner know my plan. I tell them what is going to happen if I judge their dog to be a risk. I’m not going to wait for an outburst. Then it’s up to them to control it, or as in one case, leave pissed. Paul

Not sure what spurred your posting about pitbulls but as a pitbull owner I have to agree, the breed in general has gotten a bad rap. To be precise, calling a dog a 'pit bull' is incorrect, a 'pitbull' isn't a specific breed as I'm sure you're aware. Anyway getting to specifics, I am the very proud owner of a 7 year old female pitbull, the american terrier variety, I got her when she was 3 years old right after she had surgery for glaucoma, they removed her eyes to prevent infection but she is just as capable and the friendliest dog you've ever met. --Andrew

Correct. "Pit bulls" as we know them are actually American Staffordshire Terriers, kissing cousins of the English Bull Terrier who were bred indeed to bait bulls. But no offense Andew, but the whole no eyes thing kind of freaks me out. Although I'm sure I'd get used to it in short order. It'd be like fucking a fat chick in the dark, I suppose. And Paul, seriously, the dog was probably trying doing you a favor and protect you from that fucking shirt, but you moved at the last second.

Hey, I don't know if you're much into science fiction, but did you ever get the feeling you watch too much Star Wars? I think this girl sure does, but I'm not going to tell her that because you know it'll just depress her. Almost as depressing as wondering how hot Tara Reid would have been if she hadn't had that botched tummy tuck done [shudder].

"WE. ARE. AMERICA. I don't give a rat's ass if it helps, we are America. We do not fucking torture. We don't do it." As said on Fox News. Live. Wow. I never thought I'd hear such a strongly worded argument against torture from those guys.

i do love boston.com's pictorials - here's earth day 2009.

nfl draft busts - where are they now. yeah, #1 is from the raiders.

cars from the 70's we'd just as soon forget. what, no love for the cordoba?

read this and see where the first lady gets her burgers. that's right. FIVE GUYS.

camera phone + changing room mirror + partially open curtain = NIPPLES! NSFW.

kenny powers' twitter is awesome: "earth day? i couldn't give two shits. i'm here every fucking day."



April 23, 2009

There Are Three Sides To Every Story.

With every swinging dick having a cell phone camera and a YouTube account, we're seeing more and more arrest videos surfacing on the internet. First it was the skateboarder kids, then a few months ago it was the 'Don't Taze Me Bro" dumbass, then it was the poor bastard who was shot in the back while he was laying on the ground, and yesterday was the news crew that was arrested by the dickhead cop in El Paso. Sometimes the footage includes the preceding events led up to the arrest, but more often than not, they don't and I think this paints cops at the disadvantage. Because as the old adage goes, "There are three sides to every story. Yours, mine, and the truth."

Now, was arresting a news crew for filming a traffic accident a miscarriage of justice? Most likely. Granted we don't see what happened in the two minutes that led up to the arrest but I can't imagine a news crew would do something so outrageous as to warrant the little angry cop's over-the-top response. But arresting a fat guy for refusing to put on clothes at California's Coachella concert? Yeah, I think that's pretty justifiable, no matter how much the crowd is against it. Sure one could consider nudity at a concert a victimless crime, but c'mon man, we've got big tazers and you've got a little cock, so put some damn clothes on.

So I was a little amused when a few days ago I saw some news footage about a pastor who had gotten into a scuffle with some border agents and they ended up laying the smackdown on him. I as even more amused when I received this email from Steve...

Hi Ernie love the site, and felt compelled to get this story out. Now, my brother is a sheriff's deputy, so I fully appreciate what law enforcement do and are faced with daily, but this story illustrates some very serious flaws in our system with a rather tragic conclusion. Here it is verbatim:

"My friend's brother Steve was involved in an incident at an Arizona border patrol stop on Tuesday. Apparently this stop is wholey within Arizona, not at a border at all, but routinely stops cars and searches their contents. I don't know the whole history, but at some point Steve decided that he would no longer consent to warrantless searches. Sometime in February he shot this video at a similar New Mexico checkpoint: Abusive Border Patrol Agents w/ Nunchucks at NM Checkpoint (27 minutes) He refuses to let the officers search his vehicle and insists that they have neither probably cause nor a search warrant. The officers in that incident never really made it clear what it was that made them suspect he was doing something illegal. I think they just pull aside a certain number of cars for a closer look. After about 30 minutes of constitutional chatter, they let him continue on his way.

On Tuesday, April 14, he was stopped at a similar non-border border stop, refused to allow his vehicle to be searched. A magical dog was brought out and the agents stated that the dog had indicated drugs or a person inside the car. Steve didn't accept that the dog had established probable cause because he knew there were neither drugs nor a body in the car. He felt the officers were lying about the dog and asked them for a repeat performance. They refused. Highway patrol arrived after about an hour and they assisted in breaking Steve's windows, tasering him, grinding his face against the broken window glass and arresting him. He went to the hospital and spent the night in jail. His description of what happened: Baptist pastor beaten + tazed by Border patrol - 11 stitches (9 minutes)"

Steve (not from the story)

You know, it's funny. The same people who bitch about drugs and illegal immigration, bitch when something is done to try and stop it. As Lord of the Internet, I'm sure you're all salivating at the mouth, waiting for me to weigh in on these events. I shall not disappoint. Here are my thoughts on the subject.

My initial impression of Steven Anderson is that he is a complete fucking asshole. For starters, he begins his post-beatdown video with, "Hello this is Steven Anderson, Pastor of Faithful Word Baptist Church..." -- as if him being a pastor somehow makes him beyond reproach. Like he's somehow incapable of lying and thus we have to take everything he says as, well, gospel? Like he pisses sunshine and shits puppies? Aw, horse shit. I don't fucking believe it. You want to impress me, Pastor Steve? You want to earn my trust? Start your video by introducing yourself as, "Steven Anderson, average American citizen..." Because any fucking asshole with $50 in his pocket can get ordained as a minister and just because I'm calling myself Pastor Ernie doesn't mean I'm any less capable of lying than I was ten minutes earlier, when I was Regular Ol' Dickhead Ernie. So now right off the bat he starts trying to manipulate me, and now he's suspect.

Which brings me to... sure, he tells a nice sympathetic tale, but how the hell do we know if it's true? We're only hearing his side of the events. He can include, omit, or embellishany details he wants to support his side of the argument. Hell, for all we know he pointed at all the cops and yelled, "Nigger! Nigger! Nigger!" before hitting the gas and and almost running over a wagon full of clowns as he's trying to bust out of there. But again, we're supposed to just trust him because after all, he is Pastor Steve!

But what irks me most about this asshole is the fact that he's actually looking for sympathy. Listen, if you really and honestly feel these border checkpoints are an infringement on your civil rights -- and I can certainly see how they would be -- then all the power to you and I wish you nothing but the best as you fight The Man. But just like the asshole who got himself arrested after he refused to show the police officer his drivers license during the scuffle with Circuit City, there are two ways to go about accomplishing your goal; the smart way and the dumb way. The smart way would be to comply with the officer's request -- even if you believe the request to be unconstitutional -- and then once it's all said and done, go take your case up in civil court and write your Congressman. Pastor Steve's first video is twenty seven fucking minutes long. Twenty seven minutes. When if he had simply answered the border agent's questions, he could have been out of there in two minutes so his argument that the check points are an undo burden and inconvenience is drawn into question. So is he really trying to protect his Constitutional rights, or is he just an incredibly paranoid attention whore? Well, to shed light on that answer, I'd like to point out that the guy had a fucking camera with him. Nobody carries around a fucking camera unless you expect to stir up a little bit of shit. Then ask yourself did Pastor Steve antagonized the officers? I wouldn't go so far as to say he was uncooperative, but he sure wasn't exactly cooperative, either. Oh, and I just want to point out... when the cops said for him to cover his face because of the breaking glass, I LOL'd because I knew what was going to happen. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, I don't think Pastor Steve really wants to change anything, I don't think he's some mystical Defender of the Constitutional, I think he's just an attention whore. And when an attention whore willingly puts themselves in a position where they stand a pretty good chance of getting their fucking ass beat by the cops? Don't come crying to men when you get exactly what you asked for. Dumbass.

it's vampire girl vs frankenstein girl. performed by chinese chicks. man, it's just fucked up.

ten latin phrases you pretend to understand - caveat emptor, bitches!

--> the suicide girls re-enact fight club. this is so NSFW. <--

seventeen cool magnet tricks. i call bullshit at extracting batteries.

wow, this is pretty bitchin. identify any foreign language by pasting in the text.





April 22, 2009

No, Not Really. But You Can Still Fuck Off Though.

Yes, I know today is Earth Day, I just don't give a shit, sorry.

Jimmy Kimmel had Billy Bob Thornton on last time to ask him one good question and several boring one. The good question was pertaining to his weird behavior during a radio interview a few weeks ago. Tip: Jimmy asks him right off the bat about the interview. After Billy Bob explains himself, the interview gets a little boring. So yeah, he told the DJ to kiss his ass so who's got cum on their face now?

I know a certain police officer who's going to be in a lot of troubllllllllllle! Kind of like the fat cop from Die Hard. Ever wonder what if John McClane used twitter in Die Hard? We'd have had the chance to read such gems as, "Just grabbed my Beretta. Forgot my shoes though. I'll be fine, right?" and "Just used this awesome 'Yippe-ki-yea, motherfucker' line. Seriously, how cool was that?"

This happened this past week in DCA. An A319 was pushed into one of our E170's while under tow. Looks like the winglet of the 319 sliced the APU exhaust clean off the 170's tail. And if you want a laugh, read the incident statements written up by the ramptards involved. Let's all wish them luck passing their drugtests. According to Kamesha: "I was wing working on the right side I get heyes the sing to stop and he was not look at me he keep going I start to run to hem." You'll also note she dated her report 5/09. I can only assume this is because she plans on doing this again next month. WTF. -- Ed

Did you know Kevin Costner was a high-powered, computer-savvy 80's businessman? He wasn't. But he played one on TV! In this mellow Mac ad, the future star of Waterworld shows how cool it'll be to ride a bike, own a dog and run a company. It does have a prescient tag line: "There are going to be two kinds of people in this world. Those who use computers. And those who use Apples." Word.

Hi I'm Denise Richards. Most people know me as a Hollywood celebrity or from my reality show on E! But it's no secret what I'm best known for; just mention my name and most people will say, "It's my funbags." It's true, everyone loves my funbags. And now I'm proud to say you can get your own hands on Denise Richards fabulous funbags!

Ernie, Long time viewer first time contributor. My mom is an avid nature photographer and she caught this great sequence of a squirrel that took over a bird house. The third picture is classic. I don’t know if you can use it, but if you can, enjoy! Stephen

Every since mini-skirts became popular in the late 1960’s, men have been obsessed with beautiful women wearing these incredibly short skirts. Frankly, it was a fantastic invention. Women in mini-skirts always command attention! Here are some of the best mini-skirt photos in one gallery.

china vs the united states. a visual comparison.

"click it before you stick it!" - international list of people with std's.

old and busted: muppet zombie movies. new hotness: muppet oceans 11.

twenty athletes you would want with you in a bar fight, dibs on mike vallely.

you can't buy a cyclekart and, even if you could, the racers wouldn't let you participate.


April 21, 2009

Yeah, I Still Watch Cartoons Every Once In Awhile.

When is getting smacked in the fucking head by a golf ball really cool? When Bill Murray is the golfer, that's when. I'd sell my fucking soul to have switched place with that woman. Well, her or this little frog, either one works for me. It's in the hole!

Pit bulls have a pretty crummy reputation these days. Between the myth of a pit bull’s “locking jaw” and the constant news stories depicting the dogs as ruthless-attackers of innocent children, it’s no wonder that many people have grown afraid of the breed. The fact is these dogs are no more evil than any other breed. Indeed, pit bulls usually score very high on dog temperament testing, they have a passing rate of 84% compared to the average dog score of 77%, and their sweet disposition around children has earned them the nickname of “nanny dog.” Sharky, shown here, is an internet sensation that shows the loving side of the American Pit Bull Terrier.

Remember that drunk Red Sox fan at Fenway Park dancing in front of the entire stadium to Michael Jackson's hit "Beat It". Well here's news footage of the same guy dancing to Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself" later that same day. and yes, his wife tries unsuccessfully to drag him out of there. Beer rules.

Want free stuff today? I'll give you a choice: a free scoop of ice cream or a free deer. You choose.

Not again! Twenty four films too painful to watch again. I would like to add Chasing Amy to this list. Watching Joey Lauren Adams throw herself at a guy for over an hour only for him to be too gay to give her the tooling she deserves, just breaks my heart. Although I'm with them all the way on Leaving Las Vegas.

Ernie, My eyes aren't as good as they used to be. In the attached photo, can you tell me, is this tattoo an eagle or hawk? Thanks, Bo

The record for most rotations hanging from a power drill in a minute is 141 achieved by The Guy Hiang (Germany) on the set of Guinness World Records - Die Größten Weltrekorde in Cologne, Germany, on 1 September 2007. That must be one strong power drill.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to show us how stupid the shows we watch are. Here some guy from the BBC making fun of our cable news talking heads, from Keith Olbermann at MSNBC to Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck at Fox News.

Here are three things to enjoy about hockey -- four if you count the reporter saying "cocksucker" on live television (towards the middle).

Ants are the automatons of the animal kingdom. They make no decisions and have no sense of self-preservation. Their purpose in life is to serve the colony, and their role is set at birth. Some of the behaviors and adaptations various species have developed can be strange and cruel, but they serve the colony, not the individual ant.

The first picture reinforces all my Telemundo research indicating Hispanics love breasts as much as me and they seem to put them on their traffic signs. The second picture is probably why I didn't see any skinny Mexican women in Cozumel. TJ

Here's a list of ten things that should have killed us when we were young prove that today's kids are sheltered little pussy bags.

Meet the Bertone Mantide — part Corvette ZR1, part Italian model and all sex appeal. With the Mantide, Jason Castriota's come very close to outshining his last great design, the Pininfarina P4/5. Exclusive gallery here.

the fucking yankees are cheating again. already.

why tech support sucks cock: a look behind the scenes.

twenty worst action film stars of all time. jay leno. jay leno?

eight most tragic and violent deaths for tv characters. so long, lem.

another anonymous confession site - i'm so bad at sex that... .

we've all seen dui tests go bad, but this one is fucking EPIC.

got a bicycle? got a death wish? well then go join danny macaskill.

play songs on your phone by punching in these pattern of numbers for each song.



April 20, 2009

Mmmmmm, How About A Nice Bowl Of Trouser Chili?

This post was delayed by about ten minutes, as right when I was abotu to send everything up to the server, I leaned over to fart but ended up shitting my pants instead. So that took a minute to remedy, sorry. Please accept these images of Jessica Biel topless in Power Blue as my penance.

Anyway, I swear to God I need to start carrying a pen and paper with me throughout the day, especially when it's time for bed, because that's when I come up with the most awesome topics to post about on EHOWA. Unfortunately for me, my short term memory sucks and thus each following morning I'm destined to stare at a blinking cursor wondering what the fuck I'm going to write about today. So you might be wondering, that after such a build up how did bowling go? Well, good but not great. If you remember we bowled the 15th place team so it should have been easy pickings for us. Unfortunately I bowled 40 pins under my average the first game and this the series started out kind of like this. No matter how hard I concentrated I just couldn't get my shit together. Fortunately, I got my shit together and we took the last two games plus pins, so we enter the final stretch in a two way tie for third place, a scant two points behind first place. So IF (we beat the third place-co-tie team by 7 points) AND (the first place and second place teams split 4-3) THEN (we win the whole fucking smash.)

So yes, today is 4/20 and stoners everywhere are rejoicing. Me personally, I've never done weed. No shit, not even once. Not because I think it rots your brain or is a gateway drug -- I don't on both points -- but because when I was a little tyke my father promised to beat my fucking ass if he ever caught me smoking it. And thus I am convinced that even now, should the Mary Jane touch my lips, my father will materialize out of thin air and beat me senseless. Dad's old school like that. But, on the flip side, I've never met a dry martini I didn't like. Go figure. Besides, there are more important things to celebrate 4/20 -- for example today is Carmen Electra's birthday! Here she is falling on that nice beautiful 36 year old ass of hers.

Susan Roesgen is a reporter at CNN and on Wednesday, she got really snippy at a Chicago teabagging get-together, blaming everything on "the right-wing conservative network" Fox News. Fair enough. But Gawker is reporting that she applied to work at Fox News TWICE in 2005. Doh!

I almost got into deep shit on the motorcycle this past weekend. I was in a group of about twelve motorcycles coming back from Clewiston and I was in the middle of the bunch when a traffic light dropped the axe and split us in half, leaving me towards the tail end of the front group. I honked my horn to get the attention of the rider in front of me and motioned over towards the side of the road. Tradition is this message is passed forward via honk/wave until it makes it to the front of the pack, so we can all ease off to the side of the road. Unfortunately for me, the person in front of me was unfamiliar with this, and presumed the hand signal meant, "OMG! Pull over immediately!" Which they did. Cutting directly into my path. I slam on the brakes, locking up the rear tire and after a quick, "Just a good old boy, never meanin no harm, beats all ya ever saw, been in trouble with the law, since the day they was born, Bo and Luke Duke General Lee driving, yee haw!" sideways skid... I ended up not broadsiding the other ride. But it was close. Lesson learned: never assume you know what the other rider is going to do.

In addition to the Featured Models, Bullz-Eye brings to you more hot chicks in our "Girl Next Door" layouts. We will be on the lookout for more models for this section, so feel free to contact us if you want to be photographed for Bullz-Eye.com or if you have suggestions on models we should feature (photos are welcome!). All models must be at least 18 years old when photos are taken.

And although I'm five days late, I was kind of surprised at some of the names on this list of the world's hottest Jewish chicks. I mean sure, Bar Rafaeli is going top top the list, but that's all bit a gimme, right? But Rachel Weisz? Isn't the surname Weisz one of the most hardcore German names out there? Soooo... a German Jew? I mean, aren't there rules against this sort of thing? Isn't the world supposed to be swallowed up by the space-time continuum if someone tried to be both German and Jewish at the same time? Not that I'm complaining; the fight scene she had with that Egyptian chick in The Mummy Returns was well worth the price of admission. Alas, here are some more classic fighr scenes, including Rowdy Roddy Piper making some asshole put his sunglasses on.

Tens of thousands of letters, e-mail messages and faxes arrive at the White House every day. From these, ten are painstakingly selected to be placed in President Obama's briefing book each weeknight. Designed to give the President a sampling menu of what Americans are thinking, these ten are the ones Mr. Obama reads, and sometimes answers by hand. Here are some examples, inclusing some whiny dude bitching about smoking.

This two minute clip from the upcoming Transformers 2 movie is now making its rounds on the internet. On the upside it shows a thirty second montage of the insanely hot Megan Fox changing clothes and lifting her dress. On the downside it shows a thirty second montage of Shia LeFag acting like a complete and total raging pussybag, so I guess it's a toss up. But here's something I didn't know; LeFag got his bones on E.R. playing a kid with muscular dystrophy and what do you know; he was a FUCKING DICKHEAD then, too.

in soviet russia, junkyard gets down on you!

mel gibson’s girlfriend in russian maxim magazine. mel rules..

cold war bunker becomes modern mansion. with stripper pole.

hand signals from the stork club. another round of drinks please.

uncomfortable plot summaries: redneck trucker kills chinese immigrants.

ten famous hostage situations, including one with the president of iran.


April 18, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here... P.S. 1024x768 Sucks.





April 17, 2009

Teabag, Teabag, Teabag. Jesus Christ, Shut Up With The Teabag Already.

Oh my God, everywhere I turn on the news it's teabag story after teabag story. Listen, you bunch of obnoxious assholes, you're never going to recapture the eloquence of the original Boston Tea Party, so please stop trying. I don't care of you're for it, or if you're against it -- please stop. Besides, by calling it a Tea Bag party, guess what you make me think of? That's right. Over and over and over again, it's nothing but teabag story after teabag story. So please stop. It's terrible; everything is terrible. Everytime I turn on the news or load a web page and am bombarded with this big in depth analysis of some teabagging party, I want to smack myself right in the Frenchman so hard I double over in pain. Please stop making my balls hurt. Please talk about something other than tea bagging, because there are many other news worthy stories out there. For example...

For example, did you know that Bruce Campbell was originally cast as the main character in the television series 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. Bruce Campbell Fact #187 - Thanks Ian.

Also it's been forty eight years since the Bay of Pigs Invasion (known as La Batalla de Girón in Cuba), was an unsuccessful attempt by a U.S.-trained force of Cuban exiles to invade southern Cuba with support from U.S. government armed forces to overthrow the Cuban government of Fidel Castro. Professor and the first post-revolution Prime Minister José Miró Cardona was chosen to lead the planned provisional government. The plan was launched in April 1961, less than three months after John F. Kennedy assumed the presidency in the United States. The Cuban armed forces, trained and equipped by Eastern Bloc nations, defeated the exiled combatants in three days. The bad Cuban-American relations were exacerbated the following year by the Cuban Missile Crisis.

And hey I don't want to be a hater, but rumor has it that Angelia Jolie is pregnant again. Will someone please remind her that the human vagina is not a clown car. But on the upside, you do have to give props to a woman who was quoted as saying, "I'm the person most likely to sleep with my female fans."

It's a little tough distinguishing between the ten different moods of Gary Busey ever since he head got all fucked up in that motorcycle accident. Because Gary Busey doesn't just give advice, he shares information of the heart at a spiritual level.

I do hope you found all the testicle pictures scattered throughout this post to be quite disturbing.

I can't believe Burger King pulled this ad because people complained it was offensive. I say fuck political correctness, because I want a Texican whopper right now.

the fiftymost brilliant atheists of all time.

schindler's list. no seriously, it's schindler's actual list.

some alcohol trivia. let me just say that president johnson ruled.

fifteen hottest mother daughter combos in show business. two words: paulina. gretsky.



April 16, 2009

The Bowling Alley Is The Poor Man's Country Club.

So we're coming down to the wire in this season's winter bowling league, and my team the Surfside Cadillacs have managed to work our way up all the way up from 18th place to 4th overall. We've got two weeks to go until the season ends and this week we're bowling the 15th place team. So as long as we don't choke we should score some major points which is good because we're one point behind our arch-rivals, the Lugg Nutz. The sons'a'bitches. Now if you're not really a bowler, you may think, "who cares," right? So let me try to explain it another way; the first place team takes home $2,000 in prize money. That's $500 per bowler. But then consider it costs $16 per week, times thirty six weeks, so it costs $576 per bowler for the season. So pretty much the first place team gets to bowl for $2 a week, but more importantly gets to talk shit to everyone until next season. And I'm a pretty hardcore competitor so you can't put a price on that. Wwish us luck.

Well, it looks like Real World is going to be a pretty short lived challenge, since Sean got all powerful on me and shit...

With A LOT of luck, a little bit of skill and a whole lot of time I finished the game. -Sean

I know, I was surprised too. So, I was going to make the next challenge Redstar Fall, but since the game comes with its own structured walkthrough, what's the point? So... does anyone have any suggestions for the next Game Challenge? Remember, games where you have to get a little creative do best.

Billy Mays visited the MJ Morning Show and took a camera through Micky D's drive thru and messed with the workers. Surprisingly, the McDonald's employees played along with his infomercial speak.

That Dominos is about 5 miles from my house. Our work cafeteria is closed Fri-Sun. and I have ordered from them countless times in the past ten years. I drove by there at lunch time yesterday and noticed there were a lot of cars in the parking lot. There are usually only 1 or 2. I didn't know about the video then. I assume it was the health department. I saw it later on the evening news. They threw out all opened food, sterilized all utensils, prep areas, etc. Pretty much the whole kitchen, under direct supervision of the health department. Re-open Thurs. I clicked on your link to the video and it said that it was removed due to "copyright claim by Kristy Hammonds". That is the stupid cunt who filmed it!! Can she claim that after posting it in a public domain? She has 2 or 3 aliases and a rap sheet a half mile long, including being a registered sex offender -- 5'3" 160 lbs. hahahahah, she's a big un' !! Anyway, love the site, have visited almost every day for the past few years. Sorry about not contributing, there just isn't any exciting shit happening around here. Pat.

So when did you go to work for Jim Henson? I see your creative talents have spread. Rob

Hi Ernie- I saw this on Craig's List in Boston 4/15/09. I thought it was funny - great site, thanks! Scott

Scott, I'm not going to even ask what you were originally searching for. I don't wanna know. The TV tabloid interviewed Lisa Rinna about posing naked again for Playboy in the issue on newsstands April 17. Rinna is 45. Who is running this empire, some 80-something? Oh, right. If looking at Rinna's lips isn't scary enough, then, well, you, er, um, won't want to look inside the covers, so to speak. Carlie Christine, was in for a rude awakening when she was fired from her day job as a cheerleading coach at Casa Robles High School. The coach posed for Playboy's coveted "Cyber Girl of the Week" using her real name and info. Rumors started to trickle in as soon as some kids started to not make the team. Those parents printed pictures of Carlie Christine and placed them on the principal's desk. I'm sure he was disappointedly excited. Personally I think she's about 1/3rd as hot as Oksana Pochepa, even though this broad is going to cost Mel Gibson $500,000,000. Oh, and Jessica Alba has a tattoo of a gift bow directly above her asscrack. Try not to dwell on that while you're in another meeting about TPS reports.

the top ten tax dodgers in american history.

seven retarded tax evasion schemes that people are actually trying.

dumbass thinks paintball gun is broken. aims it at his nuts. guess what, it's not broken.

as i watched this police chase from the barstool at bikini joes i thought, "great publicity for scion."

you were welcome to stay in my uterus for nine months, and then my house for seventeen years...

rest easy, the russians are keeping their old ballistic missile submarines in a healthy state of repair. or not.



April 15, 2009

Today Is Tax Day. Time To Pay The Man.

Income taxes are due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th. However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed and for at least the next four years, tax payments will not be due until you are nominated for a cabinet position. Please check with your tax adviser to confirm. But tax day doesn't have to be all bad, even though you are sending your hard earned money away in a little envelope to the government. If you take this guy's advice you can really stick it to the man.

Quay believes that this new We Didn't Start The Flamewar video is some of the best material College Humor has ever produced. And no shit, I have to agree. Kudos to her.

Hey, see if you can guess what this is before I show you the answer. Kinda creepy, eh?

Does the 30 minutes or less delivery promise override the 5 second rule? Either way I have officially ordered my last Dominos Pizza. Within only a couple of hours of our posting some gross-out videos of bad Domino's employees last night, Consumerist readers Amy Wilson and whyerhead managed to track down the location, call the store directly to alert the manager, and send the address to Domino's corporate. The only two clues they had were the YouTube handle of the uploader and a quick glimpse of the surrounding area as viewed through the drive-through window in one of the clips.

In five days, my lifespan will surpass that of the daughter of Lord Byron, translator, mathematician and the first computer programmer. How about you?

The next game challenge is kinda close to Totem Destroyer, only your goal is to not only have the little guy land on a safe block, you have to clear all the other blocks from the screen as well. So play Real World and see if you can advance past level 10 (I'm still going, though).

ten reasons why gay marriage should be ILLEGAL.

worried how to survive the apocolypse? worry no more.

forty things every drunkard should do before he dies (of cirrhosis)

angry chick pulls a hulk hogan headslam. wait for it, wait for it... this is my country!


April 14, 2009

Dammit.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm close to the military -- at least not so close as someone who lives on/near a military installation, or regularly visits an active duty base. But I suppose for a fast lazy civilian, I'm probably closer than other people who wear shorts to work every day. This of course stems from LBEH and while we keep the soldier's names truncated to the first four characters of their last names, here in the inner sanctum we've got some 700+ names, ranks and hometowns. Armed with that information, I've always known that I could go to this list of Iraq/Afghanistan casualties and the law of large numbers would inevitably dictate that sooner or later a few names would match up on both lists. To be quite honest, I've never had the time -- or more importantly the inclination -- to do such a comparison because I don't know how I'd react when confronted that one of the guys we've flown home has been killed in action. Call me a pussy, but I'm perfectly content with my ostrich-head-in-the-sand approach to the subject.

But one thing I do on occasion is Google search the names of the folks I met while I was in Washington DC for SFC Paul Ray Smith's Medal of Honor ceremony. Eh, just to see who's still in the military, who's out, see if anyone's been quoted during an interview, that sort of thing. You know, the usual cyber-stalking stuff. Sometimes I get hits but more often than not I don't, as the events of 2003 fade off into history. But. Unfortunately. Last night I got a rather big hit. A hit I didn't like.

The last time I saw (then) Specialist John Mele, both he and his wife were kneeling in front of SFC Smith's headstone at Arlington National Cemetery. John was one of the few married soldiers there, and instead of hang around the bar and get stupid like the rest of us did, he and his wife did a little sight seeing in the nation's capital. So I didn't get the opportunity to talk with John as much as I did some of the other folks, like Derek Pelletier and Michelle Chavez. My interaction with John and his wife was more limited to, "Hi, how are you today," as we boarded the bus to several events, and sitting near each at the Pentagon ceremony. But John still made enough of an impression on me to where I remembered both he and his wife's name, and could probably still pick both of them out of a police lineup. So I don't mind telling you I was quite saddened when a recent search for "John Mele army" yielded this result.

I'm now forced to reflect upon what limited interaction I had with John and have come to the conclusion that his reluctance to 'hang with the group' wasn't tied to a nonchalance about the events at hand, or any unwillingness to be social; but probably just a yearning to be normal for a little while. To just relax and let his guard down and go out with his wife and see the sights and get a hot dog and ride the bus and visit a museum and read a menu written in English and just... just not have to worry about getting blown up at every turn. You know, the things that you and I take for granted each and every day.

John Mele left behind his wife Jennifer and a daughter Clarissa, who is now about nine years old. So long Sergeant John Mele, United States Army, I really did hardly know ye.

this sox fan breaks out to michael jackson's beat it in front of all of fenway. beer is awesome.

this one's for you, paul l. - fact-checking the fact-checkers. snopes.com gets an 'a'.

seventeen more images you won't believe aren't photoshopped.

ELIZA DUSHKU. AS A DOMINATRIX. YES, YOU'RE WELCOME.

you want lists? i'll give you lists. here are lists of lists.

a dummy's guide to spotting counterfeit money.

another example of the awesomeness that is man's best friend.



April 13, 2009

Now I Don't Want To Brag Or Anything.

But in November of last year I questioned why the United States hadn't begin using Predator/Reaper drones in the ongoing fight against piracy off the Somali coast. Four months later, this past February, these UAV's are authorized for just such a use. Then on Friday I question why the United States hadn't used Navy SEALS to rescue the ship captain being held hostage. Less than forty-eight hours later, SEAL snipers do just that. Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you the White House reads EHOWA for policy advice; but I'm not going to tell you they don't, either. I'll just let you draw your own conclusions. I met Ali, he told me I'm the greatest.

Two observations on this weekend's stunning hostage rescue, though. First, when the news began to trickle in that captain had been rescued, it was initially reported that while one pirate was already onboard the Navy ship negotiating release, the captain jumped overboard in a second attempt to escape. This would present two possibilities for how things went down; a really cool way and a-not-so-cool way. You see the not-so-cool-way would be if the captain had indeed jumped overboard which would have rendered the three remaining pirates onboard the life boat sitting ducks. Then any asshole with a .50 cal machinegun could turn the lifeboat and its occupants into swiss cheese, without fear of harming the hostage. That would have been cool, but not as cool as what actually happened: three individual snipers -- aiming from a moving platform that's already rolling up and down with the oceans waves -- simultaneously engaged three individual targets -- each of whom were also rolling up and down in the oceans waves -- even more so than the snipers themselves because of the small size of their craft -- and achieved incapacitating kill shots. Now that's a fairy tale ending.

And secondly, can you imagine the look on the one pirate's face as he was 'negotiating' onboard the Navy vessel? Sitting there all high and mighty, dictating the terms, thinking he's holding all the cards. And then all of a sudden the conversation is interrupted by Bang! Bang! Bang! from outside. Confusion reigns for a few seconds until someone walks in and whispers in the lead American negotiator's ear, who then frowns as he turns the little pirate guy and begins, "Uhhhh... So, about that whole hostage thing...." You know, I almost feel sorry for him. Poor bastard. Looks like someone came out of the toilet with just his dick in his hands.

Ernie, I am huge a fan of your site and have been for a few years, I have even sent you some shit in the past, no I have not donated to LBEH because I am a broke ass self employed contractor who can barley afford to get my self home most days, my brother in law is in the army, 2 cousins is in the air force, and one cousin in the marines, I applaud what you do for them and I think it is awesome. This is where I get kinda pissy with you, you ask why we are currently not blowing the shit out of 4 terrorist fucks in a 28 foot dingy with all of cool ass, top of the line equipment, and the best trained military force on the planet, I will tell you. Its because of the DOUCHEBAG liberal president people like you voted for is in charge of pulling the trigger, and HE HAS NO BALLS. Everyone thought the dude was so smooth, and wow listen how good he speaks, and hope and change and blah blah blah. I would be willing to bet this man you voted for does not own or has never even fired a weapon in his life, and yet he is the guy who is in charge of the most powerfull defence force on the planet, and he is a huge sloppy vagina (insert sloppy vag pic here) when it comes to defense. and who does he have as his spokeshole / defense secratary...........Fuckin hillary fuckin clinton. JESUS H CRIST man, you fuckin people voted for this pussy and now every one is gonna find out the hard way the dude's all talk. at least mccain (who i fuckin dispised but still voted for) had some fuckin balls. he also had some experience in forigen policy and defense. what a concept, hire a guy for a job........who knows what the fuck he doing, not just cause he's nice n' smooth and he's hip and has fuckin ludacris on his IPOD who gives a fuck! ALL THE GUNS IN THE WORLD ARE USELESS IF YOURE TO SCARED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PULL THE TRIGGER. And you wouldnt want the rest of the world to look down on you, I wouldnt want his poll numbers to go down. everybody likes him sooooooo much. you dont want to piss any one off. he's a touchy feeley soft ass liberlal who has never had his hands dirty, and is not going start now. He is too busy cutting defense spending, and drafting assault wepons bans to worry about silly things like defending one guy from some other guys that are just trying to make some money. There you go, your cool ass president has no balls and you voted for him. I continue to follow your site daily but I have to say I was realy disapointed when I read you voted for that fuckin guy. thanks, Jack

Ernie. You are spot-on correct about the SEALs and their prospects against the pirates. They train for this stuff ALL THE TIME! Nothing would be left except shark food. The problem is – we need a CINC with testicles that will decide to USE the SEALs… I think Michelle took those boys long ago. Dan.

Well guys, given this weekend's events, I sincerely hope you'll forgive me this time; internet might have been down at the White House and they might not have gotten my instructions on time. I know what you're wondering. You're saying to yourself, "Wow, Ernie's birthday is in a few weeks and he's the most awesome guy in the universe and he's always right about everything, so I wonder what I'll get him for his birthday?" Well, I've got four words for you: Hans. Sewn. Atari. Cartridges. Let's watch as the local news station gets pranked by various fake namesand please help me wish a Happy Birthday to Dixie Normous and Emerson Biggins! I'm just sayin.

Ern, A funny pic my buddy sent. Apparently he is either having a really bad day, or got served a shitty plate of Mexican. Lanco

Ernie, Long time visitor....A friend of mine is technologically challenged and needs our help. Here is the request that he sent me..... "If any of you electronic gurus knows how to connect a surround sound DVD/VCR, please let me know ASAP. My new neighbor keeps asking me. The wife complains about all the time I am over there to try and help her. Here is a photo of what the set-up looks like. Maybe you can help!" Dave

Hi Ernie! You had a hotlink for the term "Crazy Japanese" with a shot of three girls on a beach. I was inspired to send this photo I had on my hard drive. I don't know where it came from. Jeez, I hope I didn't snag it off EHOWA! - Frank

Okay, Game Challenge. Everyone seemed to have fun with Totem Destroyer 2 -- so much fun in fact, that several of you completed all fifty levels. Now here's a curious thing. The game ticks off the number of seconds it takes you to complete each level, so one would logically conclude that when the game is completed, it'll give you some type of total score or total time.... not so much. So the first person to shred this game was Kevin, followed by (in no particular order...) Andy C, Matt B, Mark T, Darren F, Durk, Brian, Ross, Chris, Wolf, Eddie, Aaron, Big D, and Ian. Completed it, sent in your screen cap and don't see your name in lights? You were probably one of the fifty copies of "TOTEMDESTROYER2.JPG" that I received. No unique file name letting me know who you are = no soup for you.

ten big breasted... errr... sorry, big brained beauties.

well, ehowa is up to $214,028. erniestreet? $817 bucks.

here's the dumb cunt who climbed into the polar bear enclosure.

a homemade wall of death, complete with mild concussion goodness.

old and busted: 25 year business card. the new hotness: how to pack your suitcase.



April 12, 2009

Happy Easter Motherfuckers!

Now go round up some bunnies before things get out of hand.

UPDATE: YARR!!!! YARR! YAR- [BANG!]


April 11, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Martha's Easter Weekend Joke Here.

peeps imitate life - especially the octopeeps.

hey you bitches, get the hell out of my garage.

TAXES chainsaw massacre: how to handle the IRS.

if the onion says it's true - then it must be true, right?

think your ferrari can outbrake a 7,500 ton freight train? think again.

hair don'ts. celebs visit worth1000's hairstylists, with disasterous results.

if you're going to spend your 15 minutes fo fame, this ain't a bad way to do it.

crowds guaranteed. because life is not about being liked, it's about being effective.

a red fox listens out for mice scurrying six feet beneath the snow before diving head first into the drift.


April 10, 2009

Sooooooooooo, Can Someone Explain This To Me?

Because I don't understand. Somali pirates attack US ship. Okay, gotcha. Somali pirates take control of US ship. Okay, with ya so far. American crew revolts, and takes back US ship. Uh-huh. American crew takes single pirate hostage. Yup, I follow. Somali crew takes American captain hostage. Okay I follow you. American crew and Somali pirates make a deal to trade the captured pirate for the captured captain. Yeah, okay, makes sense. Somali pirates renege on the deal. Well, okay they're *pirates* so I guess I can see that happening. Then out of the clear blue sky?, a US Navy Destroyer arrives on the scene. Yeah okay, I expected that. Now the US Navy Destroyer is negotiating.... Wait, you're losing me ... with the pirates... Wait, what? ... who are in a lifeboat... Okay, you just lost me there ...that's out of gas. Wait, What The Fuck?

To make sure I've got that straight, a warship from the most powerful navy ever to sail the oceans is negotiating with four Skinnies in a drifting lifeboat. Uh-huh.

I mean it's not like no one has ever thought of this contingency before? I mean what are we going to do? If only we had some sort of warfighter trained in special naval warfare and prepared to fight on SEa, Air and Land. You know, someone with the right gear to operate in the most extreme environments in the world. Maritime warriors who have distinguished themselves as an individually reliable, collectively disciplined and highly skilled maritime force. Perhaps a team of guys who are also capable of employing unconventional warfare, foreign internal defense, counter-terrorism, and other missions. You know, able to get in and out quickly and without being seen, gathering intelligence, destroying targets, and performing rescues, among other things. My God, if only we had a specialized team like that in real life.

I mean this is it folks. A Grade-A Prime Number Once USDA Choice opportunity to drop the fucking hammer on this pirate thing. So uh, WTF?!

But while we're on the topic of Navy SEALS, I want to point out a story down in Texas -- yeah, it's always in Texas -- that happened last week. You've heard me previously mention former Navy SEAL Marcus Luttrell, the lone survivor of Operation Red Wing based in Afghanistan back in 2005. The story is essentially yes, those guys really did shoot his dog. Now after you get done marvelling at how he found the strength to not shoot, but if there's anyone who has earned the right to not spill any more blood, it's guess it's Marcus Luttrell. of course my initial reaction would to be to round up some donations and buy the man a new dog but here's the thing; if I were him I wouldn't want one. Not yet at least. I consider my dog to be completely irreplacable and God forbid if something should ever happen to him, I wouldn't want a new pooch this soon. But I dunno, maybe he does? And I can't imagine there aren't folks local to him down there in Huntsville, Texas who have already made offers to get him another dog when he's ready. Plus DASY was given to him by America's Vet Dogs, a group that provides service and guide dogs to members of the military, so I just don't know when/if there's anything we can do on that front.

I'll tell you what you can do, though. You can call and give an earful to Sheriff Clint R. McRae at 936-435-2400 and District Attorney David Weeks at 936-435-2441 and let them know you want to see Michael Edmonds and Alfonzo Hernandez made very popular in prison. That you can do. That you will do. I command it.

And the current leader in Totem Destroyer 2 is Vinnie who just made it to level 34 which is slightly higher than Eric on level 33.

...By the way is this a dude with big nips or a chick with small tits? Jeff.

I went to the Red Sox game last night. I thought you would appreciate the seats. I sat in the WB Mason luxury sweet that was fully catered and had an open bar. Barker.

Those crazy Japanese, seem to be having fun despite budget cuts. Here's this hilarious clip of a Japanese gameshow forcing contestants to partake in fear factor-type challenges, in a library. Unfortunately, the nasty food these people have to eat isn't the only thing they have to keep down. The automatic smacking machine was a nice touch.

The thirty one most nerdtastic coffee mugs in existence. And let me tell you something; I just found the Initech mugs on ebay, so I know what my bitches are getting for Christmas.

Ever wonder why raincoats are yellow? Wonder no more.

conficker eye chart -- reloaded. also known (in the great tradition) as: spread this chart.

unreal boobs galore at reality tv awards. reasonably safe for work.

burgers u.s.a.: a cross-country menu tasting. mmm, boston blue burger.

fuck straw, it's this 450lb fat ass that broke the camels back.

nine awesome things william shatner has done besides captain cirk. denny crane..

want to be a good little sperm? which EHOWA seeds will fertilize this egg?

because nothing says hardcore drinker like a snuggle pub crawl.

hey chubby - how much would you weigh on other planets in our solar system?

fuck straw, it's this 450lb fat ass that broke the camels back.


April 9, 2009

Does It Pass The Sniff Test?

This one is for you Andy, just in time for Passover. The Top Ten Jewish Musicians. We all know Gene Simmons was a Jew, along with all three Beastie Boys (thanks to Adam Sandler). But I'll be honest, number one surprised me but at least now we know why they call him Diamond Dave.

With the previous year's elections well behind us, I had hoped that this would bring about the end of the misinformation emails that routinely make their rounds on the internet every four years. As it turns out, not so much. Probably the biggest topic of said emails is gun control and there are three specific front runners in that arena. I'm going to do my best to address these three in hope that people will think a little before forwarding these email out in FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD fashion. Perhaps it's time to revisit my Stopping Spam post, eh?

Anyway, before anybody gets sand in the pussy lips I want to point out that this misinformation game goes both ways. When GWB was elected back in 2000, the internet was flooded with liberal leaning emails about how Republicans were going to hand out assault rifles to each new kindergartner. Likewise, now that we have a Democratic president in office, the story de'jour seeks to vilify the Democrats by exposing every move they make as a veiled attempt to take away our guns. All too often we blindly believe something because it's all to conveniently aligns with our own ideals. If a gun owner receives an email detailing how Obama is going door to door collecting guns, it's immediately accepted as true and forwarded on without a moment's hesitation, because we so want to believe the "other guy" is a villain. Well maybe he is, but maybe he isn't. So when these little stories make their way around to you -- and oh they will, trust me -- I implore you to do a little thinking for yourself and see if it passes what I like to call, the Sniff Test. What's the Sniff Test? Easy... does the incredible story I'm being asked to believe sound reasonable? And just for the record any email that begins with, "It has started..." is going to be complete bullshit.

Email circulating one. Obama wants to bring back the Assault Rifle Ban. Now this one is easy to believe because hey, it was Bill Clinton (a Democrat) that first signed it into law back in 1994. So it wouldn't be too difficult to believe that following it's expiration/non-renewal by a Republican president, that Obama would seek to reinstate the ban. It sounds reasonable. And thus it passes my initial Sniff Test. Except here's the corker; the bill to reinstate the Assault Rifle Ban was indeed introduced, but it was done so and co-sponsored by five Republicans. Wow. That's not to say that Obama wouldn't sign the Bill should it make it's way through Congress; I'm sure he would. I'm just saying that because something is so easy to believe, it doesn't make it true. Besides, if you think Obama reintroduced the Bill to reinstate the Assault Rifle Ban, you might want to brush up on your understanding on the three branches of government.

Email circulating two. The Blair Holt Firearm Licensing and Record of Sale Act is going prohibit ownership of handguns from those that have not acquired licenses. Now quite frankly, this one kind of scares me, because there's more truth than falsehood to this rumor. To me, nothing is scarier than legislation introduced in a victim's name because it gets people reacting emotionally rather than logically. But that's food I'll chew another day. Back to this bill, first off you have to define "severely curtail" -- what's severe to a gun not is not severe to a seal loving hippie. Essentially it's saying that if you want to own a handgun, you've got to obtain a federal handgun permit and in doing so you've got some additional responsibilities. Examples: I think requiring a safety course isn't a bad idea at all, in fact I think I mentioned that right after I shot my kitchen. And making it illegal for a licensed gun owner to fail to record a gun loss or theft within 72 hours is a good idea, because fuck man?! Wouldn't any responsible gun owner fall all over themselves to report it immediately? To me it would be like stepping over a dead body for three days. But then there's the scary part: including such verbiage as, "...any other subjects, as the Attorney General determines to be appropriate." What the fuck does that mean? Ultimately, I think the bill is going to fail. It's been out for four months and has yet to attract a single co-sponsor. I had a link to an article explaining how even the NRA isn't worried about this bill, for that very reason, but alas I can't find it.

And coming in third for the Bronze, is a fresh one just starting to make its rounds. And here's where the Sniff Test really comes into play.

Georgia Arms is the 5th largest retailer of 223 Ammo in America. (they sell 9 mm, .45, etc). They normally buy spent brass from the US Dept of Defense - 'one time used' shell casings by our Military - from training on Military bases, etc. They buy the brass and then re-load for resale to Law Enforcement, Gun Shops, Gun Clubs, etc. They normally buy 30,000 lbs of spent brass at a time. This week the DoD wrote a letter to the owner of Georgia Arms and said that from now on the DoD will be destroying the brass - shredding it. It is no longer available to the Ammo makers - unless they just buy it in a scrap condition (which they have No use for). BTW - The brass is NOW going to be sold by the DoD to China as scrap - for less money than Ammo manufacturers have been paying for the shells before processing to destroy. That sure helps the US economy now, doesn't it? Sell cheaper to China - and do not sell shells at all to a proven US business. Any agenda working here???? The Georgia Arms owner even related a story that one of his competitors had already purchased a load of brass last week - and the DoD contacted him this week and said they were sending someone over to make sure it was destroyed. Shell Casings he had already bought! THE BRASS HAS NO VALUE TO THE AMMO MAKER IF IT IS DESTROYED/SHREDDED/MELTED. HE ONLY USES IT TO RELOAD DIFFERENT CALIBERS - MAINLY .223 BULLETS. Georgia Arms owner says that he will have to lay off at least half of his 60 workers, within 2 - 3 months if the DoD no longer sells their spent brass to him. He has 2 - 3 months inventory of shells to use. By summer - he's out.

Other versions go on to include such commentary as, "Obama going after our ammunition!" and, "Loss of US jobs, control of ammunition by the new Obama administration.... liberalism at its best and on the way to socialism. When times get bad...and they will very soon...only the bad will have guns and ammo. This new "Obomanation" is going to make good citizens into crinimals by trying to take our guns and ammo."

Of course all web searches on this topic always have the same story lines, all pointing to a single source as the root of their information. I'm always uncomfortable believing things from single sources because hey I can write a story about how my Mayor fucks goats... get that story picked up by fifty other blogs... but it still doesn't make it true. So pretty much what we're faced with is having to rub a few grey cells together and see if we believe this story. Enter the Sniff Test. What the author is asking us to believe is that the Department of Defense -- already facing budget cuts -- is going to sell their scrap brass to China (presumably under orders from Obama) for less money than they would to a domestic buyer. Well, looking at (what we must presume to be) the original letter, the brass is "likely" to be sold to China. In the forwarded emails, the brass "is" going to China. That coupled with the addition of the Obama verbiage makes me begin to question the validity of the document as a whole. Is it true? Well with everyone reporting it citing the same person as their source, I dunno. Plus another site is reporting that ban that maybe never was, now definitely isn't? What's the truth? Who the fuck knows. But somehow, this last one smells a little too rotten for me to take it at face value.

But I will say that a box of twenty .45 Speer Gold Dots is running $34.95 down at Fowler Firearms. So Georgia Arms' Box of Heat sure is looking good at $390 for a box of 1,000 rounds. That might sound like a lot of ammo to you, but trust me when the zombie uprising finally happens you'll thank me. Best to be prepared, right? Oh, and based upon the recommendations of Tristan and Charlie, I ordered my Crossbreed holster this morning.

Getting off the serious topics of gun control and politics, let's talk about something we all enjoy; porn. Here are ten porn chicks who should go mainstream, with Teagan Presley being my choice for Best Actress, and fifteen of the funniest MILF porn titles. And how Who's Nailin Sarah Palin didn't make that list, I'll never know.

Ernie, I got a kick a kick out of 'guess how she keeps her muff versus the way she dresses' item. It reminded me of my one-time neighbor Gene. He was an older French guy, not the sissy kind a lot of folks imagine French men to be but an old military type that could kick a man's ass just by looking at him hard. We were discussing the philosophy of women one beer-filled weekend when he shared with me a tidbit about women that I will never forget. He said, "Kevin, if you want to know what you're going to be getting, just look at her elbows." Her elbows?" I said, genuinely confused. Sure," he answered casually, and went on to describe his philosophy. According to Gene, you can generally tell a woman's hygiene 'down there' by looking at her elbows. Skanky elbows - rough or dirty skin there - equals skanky pussy. Clean elbows equals clean pussy. The rougher and/or dirtier the elbows, the dirtier the pussy and vice-versa. The idea is that a woman who will take good care of one area she can't see will take care of the other. Although it isn't a foolproof method - I've had my share of surprises - Gene was damn sure onto something. That old crazy French fucker was fearless - I once saw him painting the wall of his two story house by hanging half off of the roof without a safety rope - and he had more women in his house in the average month than I did in the average year. Note that his advice was never 'avoid dirty pussy.' He just liked to know what he was getting into, because he never turned away the trim. Kevin

Here you go sir! My idol NutnFancy reviews the Glock 30. Enjoy, Jeff.

As I wrote to you earlier, the Yankees are dead... and the article is here. For the record, again, I am not a Yankees fan, I just love the game and honor the (previous) historical heritage of the Yankee's history. I weep for this history. I fear that the money vultures are killing the great American game. KoD.

Actually I was just talking to a die hard Yankees fan the other day, about how I felt bad they closed Yankee Stadium. Love em or hate em -- hate em -- there was a lot of history in that place. it kind of makes me with for simpler times, like when I just did nothing but played video games. Here are Robot Chicken's top fifteen video game spoofs -- Donkey Kong vs Halo is funny, but I prefer the Grand Theft Mario.

dave barry: a journey into my colon -- and yours.

star wars turns a little less nerdy as two hot chicks have a light saber fight.

forty per cent of australian women wear a bra with a cup size dd or bigger. yay!

michael bay's rejected transformers 2 script, now with more hot megan fox FEMALE ASS.

well here's something i never thought i'd say: hot bikini girl peels a banana with her feet.

meet one hundred and seventy five people who were arrested in the last twenty four hours.


April 8, 2009

Flexibility Is The Key.

On Thursday, April 9th, some of the best golfers from around the world will head to Augusta, Georgia for the 72-hole, four-day-long 2009 Masters tournament to compete for the coveted Green Jacket (and a butt-load of cash). But for some foolish reason, this event is men only. And any fool knows that the best way to make anything that’s men-only a hell of a lot better is to add a ton of super hot chicks! Which is precisely what we’ve done here with Gorgeous Girls Golfing: Masters Edition. These ladies will make you want to (insert hole-in-one joke here…).

I think I may have mentioned that I follow House pretty religiously, which is why it came as quite a shock that Kal Penn's character unexpectedly committed suicide in Monday night's episode. At first I suspected some stupid dream sequence, but once it was pretty clear he was written off for good, I guessed some contract dispute. Wrong on both accounts. Actor Kal Penn quit and is going to work for Obama, if you can believe it. Yeah it shocked me too, but multpiple sources are reporting it, so, uh, wow. Good luck, I guess?

New Game Challenge. The original Totem Destroyer was such a hit, that I figured it was time to add Totem Destroyer 2 to the library. So far I've made it to level 18, but I'm still playing so if you send something in higher, don't think I'm a jerk for not posting it if I happen to beat you.

I’ve been watching a lot of Oz lately so I thought about writing a list of the best TV prisoners. Unfortunately when I was done it contained four guys from Oz, five guys from Prison Break and George Bluth Sr. from Arrested Development. I switched to movies and got a much more diverse array.

A powerful earthquake in mountainous central Italy knocked down whole blocks of buildings early Monday as residents slept, killing more than 70 people in the country's deadliest quake in nearly three decades, officials said. Tens of thousands were homeless and 1,500 were injured. Ambulances screamed through the medieval city L'Aquila as firefighters with dogs worked feverishly to reach people trapped in fallen buildings, including a dormitory where half a dozen university students were believed still inside. Outside the half-collapsed building, tearful young people huddled together, wrapped in blankets, some still in their slippers after being roused from sleep by the quake. Dozens managed to escape as the walls fell around them. L'Aquila, capital of the Abruzzo region, was near the epicenter about 70 miles northeast of Rome.

Ernie, Here are a few pics that came from a trailcam set up on a stock tank. These were sent to me by a friend. Enjoy Ty

I’ve been to a Hooters once in my entire life. The year was 1998 and I was in Alabama. I simply remember being a pledge in my fraternity and wearing a gigantic cowboy hat. I felt like a total jackass. And in that year, I don’t think Hooters was quite as established as it is today. At least not from a waitress perspective. Don’t get me wrong. These waitresses were hot, but if you go to a Hooters today, word is you really get a bang for your buck. In fact, many of these women take their jobs very seriously.

A man was detained by TSA in St. Louis for carrying cash. The man was traveling home following a Campaign For Liberty (Ron Paul) event. I thought the Missouri Information Analysis Center document was retracted? Apparently these goons didn't get the word.

Here is part of the opening to the movie "The Princess Bride" featuring a very young and hot Robin Wright (Penn). She is the princess who's always ordering around the farm boy (Cary Elwes) whom she secretly loves. "As you wish," was the line from this underrated comedy slash romance.

Many of us wish to live long, others have high hopes to prosper. Then there are those who want both. Those are called 'Trekkies". Trekkies may have been given a bad rap due to their anti-social behavior, their over-enthusiastic devotion, and the way a 60 minute show has overtaken their lives. Is it fair to them when we call them outcasts? Perhaps it's just the few fans of Star Trek who ruin it for the rest. Here are fifteen pictures that give Trekkies a bad name.

tell your virtual girlfriend what do do. i tried, "go do my laundry" but it doesn't work.

you're about as useless as tits on a bull. useless human anatomical features.

a vhs visit to id software, circa 1993. a must for DOOM lovers.

just exactly what is rocket science? let's ask judge judy.


April 7, 2009

This Tasteless Tuesday Is All The Way From Finland.

My GFs brother is a tard. She had left out this part of her rich family heritage when we first met. I found out later when I was to meet her family for the first time. Sort of a "Oh...did I mention that my brother's a tard?" She may have been a bit reticent to tell me because I have since discovered that her mother didn't have to change her name when she got married. I am told that this is fairly common here. There also seems to be a higher than normal occurance of genetic problems here. Lots of abnormalities.

His name is Heikki,(HAY-KEY)a fairly common name here in rural Finland. He is a 47 year old man with the mind of a 6 year old. He lives with his 79 year old mother in an apartment that connects to a facility for the "less than." He isn't a mongoloid. I am not quite sure how to classify him. He has a malformed skull. Neanderthal type ridges over his eyes huge lips, and giant purple bags under his eyes. Until recently, he lived with his mother in a rural farmhouse that had no hot water. From time to time I would be required to drop off some groceries. Heikki would often meet me at the door, his personal stench overwhelming me. They kept pigs, and very often Heikki would have flies swarming around his head. Attracted by his funk and the build up of food in his clothes.

He was a fairly well adjusted 'tard. Happy, toilet trained. But one day he collapsed for no appearent reason. He was rushed to the hospital and eventually was diagnosed as having had some sort of "cerebreal incident."

He recovered sufficiently and was released from the hospital. One problem remained. Whatever part of the brain that was destroyed by this stroke also contained the area where he learned his toilet training. He has lost the ability to decide when and where he will shit and piss. Now he wears diapers. He might be watching television when suddenly his motion stops, he cocks his head to one side and the unmistakeable sound of liquishit squirting into his diaper rumbles through the air. Due to the medication that he takes the smell is horrendous.

Here's the best part. He has a permanent urinary catheter - his "perm" - which is a rubber hose snakes out the front of his pajamas and winds down his leg to a large transparent recepticle that is strapped to his ankle. It is most usually half filled with piss. He sits in his rocking chair his hand down his diaper cautiously exploring his uretheral connection.

The reason that I want to tell you about this is that last night there was a problem and the nurse was not able to make a home visit. My GF's mom called and asked if I could come over and help clean her little boy up. When I arrived Heikki was obviously in distress. Not only was the bag on his ankle completely full, but half of the 1/4" tube was backed up with piss. As I entered their place a horrendous odor of hot shit blasted out the door. Perhaps roiled might be a better word. Like a shimmer of heat on a hot day.

Heikki removed his hand from his perm to greet me. It was covered in dried fecal matter. Retching, I grappled the lumbering 'tard from his rocker and prodded him into the shower stall. I stripped him down to the diaper. Liquishit had seeped up his back leaving a crusty film. His body was swollen with edema. He was a ghastly white color. He had big brown nipples like a pregnant woman. And a nice set of A cups to show them off. I undid his diaper. The smell make me retch again. Most of the lower half of his body was covered in the most disgusting shit. His diaper was full of tiny rocks swimming in a thick soup of poo. I grabbed the shower and washed him down.

It was then that I saw it. His PLASTICHOAD! I had never actually seen it. Let me describe it to you. He had an abnormally large penis. It could be classified in fact as "huge." It was a good 11" plus. And diameter was commensurate with length. Due to the permanent plastic tube it was semi-erect. The eye was swollen to accomodate the catheter. I had never used a catheter before but it seemed straight forward enough. A couple of valves. Simple plumbing. I reached down and turned the valve. A stream of hot piss arced through the air. A good liter of piss drained away. I washed down the whole mess and put a clean diaper on him. - Joe

RE: the gun range murder/suicide. Here's a video from the surveillance cameras. Scott.

I really tried my best to answer the questions people sent me all the time. I hope this at least gives you a better idea of who I am. At another time, I might do another one, answering even more questions. It took me a while to do this, because lately I have been busy as hell. Well I hope you guys enjoy it. [video] - Mr Chi City

Hello, Ernie. i am not really a fan of dogs, but damn, i think this is pretty cool no matter who you are. keep up the good work. thanx!!! Charlie

Here are some photos taken at Pratt, KS, by a UP locomotive engineer last Sat. evening, when the big snow storm went through... Tyson

Hot Girls Teach Ultimate Fighting - It seems fun at first, but the full contact sparring gets really awkward.

"Fast & Furious" has outraced the competition with a $72.5 million opening weekend, the best showing of any movie so far this year. Now comes the movie Ryan Seacrest says is, "So freaking hot." We're talking about the, "The Fast and the Bi-Curious."

Watch all the delicious fakeness of Chris Jericho vs Mickey Rourke in Wrestlemania 25. If Rourke was hoping breathe some life into his career, this ought to shut the door on that.

dogs rule, cats drool.

the twenty most amazing coincidences.

gangsta kid vs security glass door = serious concussion time.

the five most popular safety laws that don't work. stupid speed limits.

fat woman's waterpark fail. maybe she should have stuck to the lazy river.

how to fix your transmission with a broken umbrella, a bic pen and a rubber band: the macgyver quiz.

do you think you can guess how a babe keeps her muff based on her how she dresses? NSFW.

ridiculous horror movie weapondry. kristy swanson? a basketball? really?

trivia wasteland - a work in progress.


April 6, 2009

Now That's How I Spell Relief.

Did you know you are 12,571 times more likely to die from cancer than you are from a terrorist attack? Me neither.

Of all the different athletes, pro wrestlers make the best transition to movie stars. Why? They're already actors. And I think most people would agree with me if I said that acting now is more fake now than it was back in the old school days of Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Roddy Piper, et al. So you would make the presumption that today's wrestlers are better actors than yesterday's wrestlers, right? Wrong. First off, here's old school Rowdy Rodd Piper in They Live. That's right, he has come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and he's all out of bubblegum. Not an Oscar worthy performance, but certainly watchable. Now in contrast, here's John Cena in 12 Rounds. What the fuck man? And that's his second movie. So why can't the new wrestlers act as well as the old wrestlers? I don't know what's worse, crap like this or the rap battle with Eli the retarded black kid. Who the fuck would knowingly pull out a camera to record these fucking things?

Ernie, A guy at work grabbed these yesterday and emailed them out. I hate email forward chains so I copied his message below and reattached the photos. "Sometime life imitates art. This is something I’ve only seen in the movies. Today I was driving to get lunch when I saw the below incident. I captured it on my phone. The city had put new concrete on Lemon at Inwood. A truck/trailer took the turn sharply, pulling all the warning pylons away. When the light changed, a car did not see the new concrete and since there were no warning cones; well take a look." This was an actual person I know that saw this actually happen yesterday, not my best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night and saw this happen. I also googled "car stuck in wet cement" (because I knew you would any way) and found this article. Michael

I grew up in Roseburg OR and have been going to Pete's for going on 30 years now and I can tell you that sign was there long before "Ho" made it into the popular vernacular. I've heard a titter or two out of it and the occasional rant about misogyny but the fact that the sign is still there proves that, at least in one little backward town, there are those who don't bend over and say AHHH every time popular opinion changes the meaning of an innocent thought. Mike

Ernie watch your back at the shooting ranges! This happened at the range I usually go to. A mental mother shot her son and then herself. Scott.

To celebrate the reopening of the Whitechapel gallery, five top contemporary artists are taking over our Art & design site all this week. For the first installment, see the Chapman brothers filmed as they've never been filmed before - from the view of Staffordshire bull terrier Kylie. The video settles down after the dog stops trying to shake the camera off.

Hey Ernie, love the site. The recent saga of lefty reminded me of some old photos I had. On a trip to a zoo somewhere I watched an ostrich chase down and have his way with a female, she clearly wanted no part of it. I was in Tampa for the Super Bowl and one night my buddy and I were walking around Ybor City and we had to navigate though the religious jackasses and their bullhorns. As the lead jackass was telling everyone they are sinners, these two walk behind him with a banner from a party they are promoting down the street. A little while later we walk past the party and there is the sign again only this time the girls in the poster were standing in front of it. Cheers, Mike

Hey Ernie. Fellow Floridian here, down in Broward. Also, former USAF. Here's a cool game I found. It's extremely easy to play but takes a while to get good at. How the people got their high scores I'll never understand. Love your site, check it every day. Kevin L

Someone put together a short list of the top five dead comedians, and of course on the list was my arch nemisis, Mitch Hedberg. So I told myself that I was going to sit down and watch the entire five minute clip of his routine. And just as I suspected, I just sat there. It was gay. But I can understand the draw to stoners because the guy's delivery is like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. The Sam Kinison is awesome though, stupid seventeen year old drunk driver. So long Sam, we hardly knew ye.

on-board view of a shuttle launch, with some pretty [annoying] music to go along with it.

forty years old and still rocking the house - when jennifer aniston's ass attacks.

gulls + herring x bait ball / easy access = some unexpected snacky cakes.

anna kournakova. wife. tennis star. model. triathlete. tramp stamper.

easter is right around the corner, have the kiddies give this a try.

ten gory surgical triumphs on youtube. not safe for lunch.

ten left handed hotties. mmmm, milla jovovich.


April 4, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

demonstrators converged on london's financial district on wednesday, chanting "abolish money" and "storm the banks"...

kenny powers listens to, "you're fucking out, i’m fucking in," by kenny powers (read by kenny powers).

legendary commander tells story of shuttle atlantis' close call.

sylvester stallone. the italian stallion. the stud. the servicer.

six insane sports stories that will make you believe in curses.

top ten stripper pole fails. i thought the first was going to take out the motorcycle.

chewielovesleia - gettothechopper - ihadacoupleofbeers - ruhrohraggy - traffictiedup - wheelofpower


April 3, 2009

I'm Throwing This Away. We Ain't Even Got No Milk.

I stopped watching E.R. several years ago, right around the time Eriq LaSalle and Anthony Edwards left the show, which if I'm not mistaken was around the eighth season. Shortly thereafter, the plotlines started to get really out of control. George Clooney climbing into a drainage pipe to save a kid? Okay, I can buy that. A helicopter falling and killing a guy who had previously had an arm chopped off in another helicopter accident? Not so much. And seriously, when's the last time you've ever heard of an ambulance being blown up as a mob hit? I mean things just got stupid. Dr. Benton being torn between his career and his family? Interests me. Dr. Kovac going off to save Africa? Not so much. Dr. Green having to explain to Josh Lyman that his wife died in labor? Tore me apart inside and I can remember everyone in the dayroom had their hands on their foreheads muttering, "No fucking way." But watching a bunch of people falling in a balcony collapse? Yeah, I just don't care.

But for reasons I can't explain, I do have the strange desire to do Parminder Nagra. Presuming of course she doesn't open her mouth. Because as soon as she does and words fall out, I'll just vomit on my then flacid penis. And nobody wants that. But if I could dial back the E.R. time clock, I'd prefer to do Dr. Lewis from the first four seasons, which is something I was sure Dr Green was going to do as soon as he divorced that cunt of a wife of his. Oh, oh! And when the beeper went off and they realized it was Dr. Gant? Man, that just takes the cake. Yeah, those were the days.

And for those of you who can't wait until Jessica Biel's Powder Blue movie is out in theatres, and looking at photos of Amanda Bynes in short shorts is no consolation, some eager fella provided you with Jessica’s past stripping attempt in extreme slow motion. Thank you, oh unknown soldier fighting the battle of the blue balls…you just made life so much more bearable until er, the “release” date. Yes, somewhere right now Justin Timberlake is sitting back, rubbing his crotch and thinking, "Yeah, I'm hitting that."

Ernie, Glad you’ve got the edge back. Hey, I ran across this video, and I want to know can we swap our President for Mississauga's Mayor? She’s a hoot, and her city is debt free with $750 mil in reserves! Regards, -Harold

Hey Ernie, Thought you might like to, uh, check this out? Everything is better with bacon! Susan

Ernie, you magnificent sonuvabitch, here’s a little something that ought to give you some fuel for a good post. Keep on keepin on. Martin

Well, I guess that's why the New Hampshire state motto is Live Free Or Die, eh? Between Massachusetts and Florida is a toss up. Mass had an income tax and I could circumvent the blue laws because I lived within ten miles of the New Hampshire border, while Florida has high property tax but I get to pack heat and ride my motorcycle for eleven months out of the year. Either way, everyone agrees that New York sucks cock. So no, I'm not infected by the move-back-north-bug just yet. Speaking of infection, Conflicker.C virus - are you infected? Here's an easy way to tell. It's so simple even you can figure it out without having to seek professional help. Which is something you might have to do for your junk after a nice trip to Las Vegas to see Jeanene Fox.

sr-71 disintegrates around pilot during flight test.

would you buy your girlfriend one of these 20 shirts?

a 360 degree panoramic view of the new yankee stadium. oh and yankees suck, go sox.

hungry leopard gets into a spot of bother after falling into a well.

celebrities looking like celebrities. wait, what?


April 2, 2009

'Go_Fuck_Yourself' Is Not Recognized As An Internal Or External Command.

Yesterday I came across a lawyer, err, I mean yesterday I came across this article listing twenty five computer products that refuse to die. Several things on that list are sitting on my desk, and no I'm not talking about a dot matrix printer. I still have my Apple Newton, which had the best handwriting recognition software of any PDA out there even today. Fuck trying to learn Palm's crazy ass script, my Newton just worked. I think I have a few 5.25" floppy disks left over from my Commodore 64 days; I keep them around for nostalgic reasons and I think I even have a few customer programs on there. Zip Disks, I never liked. Even when they were new I thought they were garbage, so fuck them. I was the Lord of all that is dBase, and as the article notes, Netscape is now called Firefox. It's funny how Netscape once dominated the browser arena, lost its market share to Internet Explorer, only to slowly gain it back again some years later as the hip alternative. Prodigy was my very first online service. I remember entertaining myself by getting one step to booking an airline flight online, and then clicking cancel.

But the real crem del'le creme is MS-DOS. Oh Command Prompt, how my heart pines for thee. Because if you look around EHOWA you'll see the design isn't exactly cutting edge, especially when compared to a lot of the newer sites out there. This was first attributed to my having to do all of my updates over a modem because I was at work, and didn't want to get busted by my company's Network Nazis. But once I spread my wings in 2005, I was of course free and clear to bring EHOWA into the Web 2.0 arena. But, eh. I kinda see a lot of those sites as bloated and weighed down. So why fix what isn't broken? Sure you can't set your own customized colors, filter what categories to see/not see, or provide comments on every little subject. Why the fuck would you want to? If you don't want to see something, don't click it. See, EHOWA is awesome the way it is.

So how does MS-DOS come into play? Well, let's see; the pictures section? Each evening just before midnight, this batch file runs and (a) looks for new pictures on the site, (b) creates the thumbnail image, (c) completely rewrites all 177+ pages of pictures, and (d) posts the new web pages and thumbnails up to their appropriate servers. As soon as that finishes, this DOS batch file shuffles around the order of 120x120 banners I have on the right side, and pulls the latest 140x70 image for the newest features sections highlighted at the bottom of each page. And whenever I post a new phone cam picture, Eudora kicks off this DOS batch file that (a) renames the file to the new date-at-time format I'm now using, recreates the sidebar code to include the new image, recreates the phonecam archive page, and then posts those new web pages and the camera images to EHOWA. Each morning my computer automatically emails me a report of who clicked on what, by running this DOS batch file. So pretty much the sidebars and pictures sections are completely self sustaining; living off of a diet of ECHO's and FOR /F's and IF %%A LEQ %DAYS% DO's, leaving me free to work about the 'meat and potatoes' of the site.

My newer ventures, Ernie Street and Ernie's Arcade I've tried to give a little tighter appearance, but still maintain the high-speed/low drag. You'll have to pardon the banners on those, but as I've said before the bandwidth doesn't pay for itself. besides, there's one of each and they only appear once every twelve hours, so I'm not killing anybody. My goal for the latter of those two sites is to move all the game challenges there so it's a little more work friendly. I dunno, for some reason I just figured I'd mention that. Especially the work part. Here's a list of the ten worst office co-workers, with Yours Truly was a combination of The Toy Collector and The Loiterer. Missing from list is my true identity, the Mystery Webmaster.

Hey Ern, I think this video shows how ipods/iphones are like tricycles while Blackberrys are F1 cars. Clinton.

Ernie. Switching between English and Spanish on Verizon's website gave me different "family and friends" -- No little fat kid, no Asians, no Tiger Woods guy and hotter chicks. Ei Yi Yi Yi! Paul.

Ernie. Dude where did you get that bling for Ike? He looks stylin! He could be in The Hebrew Hammer sequel with that shit on. Love the phone cam photos, one of my favorite things to hit every day, never know what I will find. Keep up the good stuff, Bill

Sorry, no Hebrew shit there bro, that's a big fucking gold Jesus I wear with my Cardinal costume each Halloween. I decided to put it on Ike after portraying him as such a pimp in my duck story. Believe it or not, I just lucked out and found it the costume store while digging through a box marked "PIMP JEWELRY". Anyway. From an interview with Rob Schneider, "I wanted to make a movie that was a little crazier, a little more outrageous. I’m absolutely unapologetic about it. And the response I’ve gotten is overwhelming, because I didn’t give a fuck and I just went for it." Now personally, I don't really like Schneider as a main character, I don't think he's a strong enough actor and quite frankly I hope he gets raped by this guy, but he did have some interesting things to say. I will admit that he was funny as Ula in 50 First Dates, though. Cough... cough... Adam Sandler hack... cough...

Ernie, Here's one for you, I took this picture today at "Pete's Drive-in" in Roseburg, Oregon. Cody

Hey Ernie, First time, long time. As you know, for purposes of brevity, airlines condense city names into three letter codes. Thought I'd share my favorite one. Keep on truckin' - Robo

Last night Bill O'Reilly went on The Late Show with David Letterman to discuss Rush Limbaugh, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, his boycott of Sean Penn and a whole lotta other issues. O'Reilly actually comes off as likable and he even outwits Letterman once or twice, which is pretty bad ass. Not as quite as bad ass as Chuck Fucking Norris, but hey who is? How bad ass is Chuck? I'll tell you. Chuck was attacked by a grizzle bear once, and he fended the bear off with a stare. The bear later apologized and hoped there were no hard feelings.

innovative realtime surveillance program designed to empower the public to proactively participate in fighting border crime.

old and busted: choose your own adventure books. the new hotness: choose your own adventure ON DRUGS.

more than 1,000 cities in over 80 countries observed earth hour 2009 on saturday march 28th.

if you happen to find a love one with their brains blown out, you can call these guys.

awesome macrophotography of various animals. 96mb+ but worth waiting for.

school assignment to reinterpret the fairytale little red ridning hood.


April 1, 2009

Awwww, You See The World Through Rose Colored Glasses.

Earlier this year I posted some swimsuit bikini pictures of Lauren Budd, the hottest celebrity we knew nothing about. Two months and dozens of bikini and underwear pictures later we've learned one thing and one thing only. Lauren Budd may sometimes go under the modeling name, Violet Budd. Enjoy the pictures.

And if my all pink layout (kinda lame actually, when compared to an ipod controller Mazda RX-8) isn't enough for you on this April Fool's Day , here's a list of all the websites on the internet currently running April Fools spoofs.

Time hop off the canni-bus and join us in a little mind numbing appreciation. Of course if you were as fucked up as he was, perhaps then maybe you'd be willing to try Akutaq.

Uhhh, did this guy pop a boner on Dancing With The Stars? I mean his dance partner was 17 year old gymnist Shawn Johnson, so I can't say that I blame him, I'm just wondering if Chris Hansen will be offering him some cookies soon.

You've got to get caught up in April Fools to some degree. You have to. Shit man, we're all gonna die anyway, why enjoy it a little? In the history of college pranks, two schools stand out as masters of the craft: Harvard and MIT, both well-known for their elaborate practical jokes, often on each other. But schools can't rest on their pranking laurels -- Zug wanted to know which school has the better sense of humor today. So they conducted an experiment where they staged a prank at both Harvard and MIT, then gauged student reactions at each college.

Don't forget, the Conficker virus is supposed to hit today; it looks like Elmendorph Air Force Base is already having a tough time, so be careful.

Who are the best comedians at dealing with hecklers? Well, instead of just insulting the heckler, George Carlin uses in-depth psychology to understand why the heckler would be shouting out in the first place. Then, Carlin also insults him a tad. Hey, side question, wasn't this the girl who was going to law school?

the difference between pixar and dreamworks.

just in case you weren't petrified of spiders already.

eight video games that need a zombie mode. sim city, fuck yeah!

who gets the last laugh? top internet hoaxes and pranks you too can pull.

twenty ridiculous complaints made by vacationers. the beach is a little too sandy.



ERNIE CAM

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