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Ernie's House of Whoop Ass!
June 30, 2009

Yeah, I Forgot About Grasshopper.

I'm trying to remember -- I think I've posted this video before, yes? Anyway, her name is Heather LaCroix and she's got a bunch of other videos -- you're welcome -- right here. Anyway, sorry so late today, LCEC is working on a utility pole two houses down and I've had the power go up and down all morning.

As several people pointed out to me (technically, Sean was first at 3:09pm), I forgot to include David Carradine's passing into my celebrity death trifecta calculations and so I've been motivated to correct myself. Carradine-McMahon-Fawcett complete one, and that asshole Michael Jackson is the one who started the new run. So now it's Michael Jackson and Billy Mays and ????? -- again I'm sticking with Patrick Swayze, although John had an interesting take on how Billy Mays' passing fits into the mix...

Hey Ernie, In your blog today you say that celebrity deaths come in threes and Billy Mays started off another round, but in fact it was Billy's final gift to us that we got the last round of three and an additional celebrity death ABSOLUTELY FREE! John.

Someone said these six montages from 80's movies don't make any sense, but I call bullshit. Like you don't rock out at the 'You're the Best Around' scene from Karate Kid. Please. There's some good Footloose action, too. And then they tell me there's a list of nine chicks you don't want to hook up with at the bar. And I call bullshit on that, too. Well, except for the Tara Reid part.

Ernie, Cheers from the mountains of Idaho. Long time reader from back around 2000 or so. In the military and law enforcement. Sent in a couple of contributions but here's a couple of doozies. First, I came home from work today same routine as usual. Head straight to room, lock door to keep kids out, draw weapon, eject magazine, rack slide three to four times, (here's where it deviates from the norm) don't watch for chambered round to eject, don't check chamber for round that didn't eject, ride slide forward, function test trigger and *KA-FUCKIN' BOOM." First thoughts, check groin first (cause who wants to explain that one), legs feet all ok. Second thought, "Fuck I just blew a whole in my mother fuckin' $1000 dollar dresser!" Follow the path through the drawers and out the back to the wall, fuck. Pull dresser away from wall, thank god. It stopped just out the back of the dresser and a nick in the wall. Thank God it was only my Sig 9mm. -- TwoNames the Dresser Slayer

Just in case you haven't seen this one. I liked the reference to zombies. Morgan

An exclusive featurette for Public Enemies which offers a behind the scenes look at how they are able to make the film seem like it was shot in 1934. It aslso shows how they were able to film in the exact same locations that Dillinger lived and escaped from.

where are they now? serial killer edition.

the most AWESOME rube goldberg machine i have EVER seen.

time spent eating per day vs the national obesity rate. eat up, fat ass.

how to identify circumcision damage in the adult male. not safe for lunch.

top gear finally pits the bugatti veyron vs mclaren f1. the fun starts at 4:25.

dodge the homing missiles and make them run into enemy units. arrow keys move you around.

June 29, 2009

I'm Sorry, Is it Too Soon?

Okay, so here's how I see this. Since celebrity deaths always come in three's, and Michael Jackson's death closed out the first trifecta (Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson), I'm sure there were a lot of relieved sighs in Hollywood this last Thursday afternoon. But now Billy Mays has started yet another round of celeb deaths and as I texted to my brother this morning, my hunches for the next two celebs to keel over are: Patrick Swayze and Martin Landau. His guesses were Bill Cosby and Martha Stewart; don't ask me where the fuck he got those from. I picked Swayze one for obvious reasons, and Landau just because he looks like he's been dead for ten years already, kind of like Keith Richards, except Keith going to outlive us all.

But in my efforts to live perhaps half as long as the Rolling Stones' guitarist, I too am doing my best at pickling my liver. And in the last few months I've been introduced to a curious, yet cool, and yet somehow insulting new trend: inviting text messages from my favorite bartender(s). Has anyone else encountered this? It all started about two months ago when one of the bartenders came up to me and asked me out of nowhere, "So what do you do for a living, Ernie?" Now in my experience, anytime anyone asks you a question like that, it's simply a lead in because they already know the answer before you open your mouth. And in the past I've tried I'm a webmaster, or now a blogger, or even simply, "I make my month off the internet." But no one seems to get it. It invariably leads to a twenty minute conversation about clicks and CPMs and traffic and visitors. So now I just look people dead in the eye and say, "Yeah, I run porn websites." And boom, people go, "Oh." Now that answer isn't entirely accurate but as someone once told me, a perfectly believeable falsehood is must more useful than the inexplicable truth.

So with the ice broken, we get to the heart of the matter, "So you know a lot about fixing computers?" Ahhh, now I see where this is headed... I sense little freelance IT work in my future. And over the next five minutes she explains about how her computer is blue screening on bootup, how she doesn't have any of her data backed up, what can be done to save it, etc, etc. I start to give her a few suggestions but the problem could literally be any one of a dozen things, so of course she's giving me a look back like I'm speaking in Pig Latin. Finally she says, "Give me your number, and I'll call you next week and maybe you can walk me through some of this on the phone." Fine, that's the easiest thing, so I do but as the week rolls on, no phonecall. Which is good actually, because who want to explain that phonecall to The Boss, right? But then the text mesages start. "Hey I am working 2day until 6 stop in 4 a beer and see me." Huh, you think. And as much as your imagination wants to flutter up to the big puffy clouds -- hey anytime you get a message from a chick with a body like this and the message includes the phrase, "come see me," you'll allow yourself a moments seconds of daydreaming and I don't give a fuck who you are. But then, reality sets in. And much like the colorful, "You may have already won $10,000,000 dollars!" envelopes that come in the mail, you force yourself to take a step back and take a wider look. The text messages never begin with "Hey Ernie," or even, "Yo E," instead they're always "Hey Babe," or, "Hey you." Which means that I'm one of probably two dozen, "Hey Babe" text messages that went out that morning, all in an effort to drum up their bar sales -- and of course, their tips!

And the different bartenders exchange their customer's numbers, too! Because it didn't take long before I started getting text messages from the bartenders too, "Hey hon, we have karaoke 2nite and pitchers on special. come see me on your way home from work!" But you know what? My hat is off to them. That's pretty a fucking ingenius marketing strategy. It doesn't cost the girls anything, other than a few minutes of their time and it keeps the bartender fresh in the customer's mind, even if they you make the trip that day. So if they send texts to fifteen regulars and only 20% of them show up, that's three people and an extra $15-$20 in tips that shift! That's an extra $350-400 in tips over any given month, just for being a little phone tease. These poor girls dress up in bikinis and get leered at and oogled by every unshaven, unshowered douchebag in town (me excluded, of course) so maybe these text messages are a little presumptuous, sure it's leading the guys on a little, but you know what else it is? It's pure fucking genius. I say all the power to em.

Hey Ernie, long time reader, part-time submitter. What you do for the people that keep us safe is flat out great. Normally I submit silly shit like the Turdbusters pictures and whatnot, but this time I think I have something you’ll appreciate more. This guy was awarded the MOH for valor during the Pearl Harbor counter-assault. He turns 100 on July 23rd, and I just thought that he’d deserve a quick mention on your site. Thanks for everything you do. -Jon [Lt Finn's Wikipedia article]

Ernie, Long time reader, contributor to LBEH. First time contributor to! Found this on e-bay while looking at light aircraft, "I am Jay Maynard, the Tron Guy. I bought this airplane new from AMD on June 12, 2008. I say again, WTF? Ha ha! KC

Have you ever asked yourself, "Hey I wonder what hurts more. A taser or a cattle prod?" Well if you have, then today is your lucky day as here are ten videos answering that very question. You'll notice most of the cattle prod videos take place over dirt, and with not many teeth. Anyway, I gotta go, just got a text message and guess what... she's anxious to see me!

i'm all for free speech as much as the next guy. but when does WBC become a hate group?

forty-three of the best free windows enhancements that you should know about.

top ten female child stars who became hotties. to hell with soleil moon frye.

ninety-nine amazing widescreen wallpapers to spice up your desktop.

old and busted: potato gun. the new hotness: potato gatling gun.

motorcyclist + crowd of cameramen = bowling for photographers!

June 27, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Don't Forget Farrah Fawcett And Ed McMahon Weekend Joke Here.

called it.

picket fences: bad moon rising. skip to 3:58. trust me.

shauna sands at a topless beach. shut up, you'd hit it. NSFW.

old and busted: hot athletes. the new hotness: athletes' hot wives.

eddie murphy on michael jackson from the stand up delirious 1983.

more rocker's high schol yearbook photos. kid rock was kind of a tool.

new theatrical trailer for INGLORIOUS BASTERDS and it is FUCKING awesome.

heart chart to bust some common jennifer love hewitt myths. with boobie close-ups.

kim jong il, hurricane andrew, the mark 48 torpedo, flesh eating bacteria, and historic route 66.

five shocking celebrity deaths: grace kelly, elvis, john lennon, princess diana and some other guy.

we print the finest fake receipts available, with your custom information on them.

June 26, 2009

Just How Much Cholesterol Does A Little Boy's Semen Have, Anyway?

The American Heart Association's guidelines for cholesterol state that your total cholesterol should be below 240 mg/dl (milligrams per decileter). Having cholestrol rates above this is a leading factor in heart and artery disease, including heart attacks. The average human body contains 6 quarts (5.6 liters) of blood. Using simple math, we can convert 5.6 liters to 56 deciliters, and calculate the upper limit of total cholesterol in our blood should be no more than 13,440 milligrams. Again, once we accumulate at least this much cholesterol in our blood, it's heart attack time. Now, given Michael Jackson died at such a young age, we will assume his levels were 20% beyond this threshold, giving him a very unhealthy score of 288 mg/dl, giving him in an artery clogging 16,128 mg of total cholesterol trying to sludge their way through his veins at the time of his death. To bring that into perspective, that's the equivilent to eating over 113 Big Macs.

But the King of Pop didn't like Big Macs, did he? No, he liked little boys. And after a little research, I can also tell you that the cholesterol content of human sperm is 46.8mg/100ml. Furthermore as per Wikipedia, "...amount of semen that will be ejected during an ejaculation will vary widely between men and may contain between 0.1 and 11 milliliters." -- so for the young adolescent boys that Michael was so fond of, we'll use the more conservative of number of 0.2 ml, yielding a scant .0936 mg of cholesterol per ejaculation.

And since we have already reasoned that the Gloved One had around 16,128 mg of cholesterol in his blood at the time of his death, using some simple math (16,128 / 0.0936) one can reason that Mr. Jackson sucked off around 172,307 prepubescent boys prior to his death. And to bring that into perspective, the world blowjob record is 249 cocks in a 14 hour period. So if that doesn't really creep you out, then perhaps watching Chris Paul sing about his armpits will.

So long, Michael Jackson, we hardly knew ye. And I'm kind of glad I didn't. But I will admit, Thriller was pretty bad ass, even if your girlfriend was later played by a Philipino prisoner. It still makes my skin still crawl at the 1:47 mark. Oh, and I still laugh when I think about Triumph the Insult Comic Dog covering your molestation trial. But other than those two things, yeah you're a douche.

Subject: SC FROM THE PRESPECTIVE OF A NATIVE, BUT NOT RESIDENT-PLEASE READ!! Ernie, I must comment on your rant about SC's Gov. Sanford . You focused in on the obesity rates....very high! What about the other measures, these in the lowest strata:1- education for one-among the lowest in the 48,49, 50th....thank god for Mississippi, and the rest will remain that way until and unless this one is fixed. (NOW, ,just to make sure you understand since you are from the northeast, SC has a long history of class/wealth control of the government and the populace, refer back to education or lack of it).They are today's equivalent of serfs.; 2- One of the only 'RIGHT TO WORK' one of the only states to allow terminations/firings for any or no reason. 'Right to work' law is just a misnomer to confuse the populace; 3- Average income, please refer back to the bottom five, forever and forever.;4- I forget the rest of the hall of shame statistics for SC, but they are legion, believe me.; 5- Pick your own comparison indicator for the various state's standings and see where my own, god forbid, state stands and then pass an opinion. Yours in service to the truth, Bert and no Ernie here.....Just you, guy.

Sup Ernie. I sent you the pictures of two jets rammed wingtip to tail by the tug crew at DCA awhile back. Here's another head shaker. This poor son of a bitch managed to ram a static wick into his freggin eye ball by walking into it. What is a static wick your readers may wonder? Well it's a small bundle of wires wrapped in insulation, exposed on the end and affixed to the aircraft structure. It's purpose to dissipate static electricity that forms during flight. You'll see several of these things on the trailing edge of the wings on the airplane in the picture. They're hard to see but I count about 4 on the aileron. We'll three I guess... Heads up! hahaha Ed.

It looks like the winner in Fat Slice is going to be Dave with 33 slices, followed very closely by Jim with 35 slices. So while I figure out the next game challenge after the weekend, do me this favor -- what movie is this sceen from? It's looks like a young Lauren Holly, yes? But it's not Dumb and Dumber -- or Scooby Doo -- so what movie is it?

Oh, and Farrah Fawcett died, too. Her I'm sorry to see go, she was a classy broad. So long, Jill Munroe, we hardly knew ye.

every robot chicken transformers sketch. ever.

world war iii propogana posters. with an internet twist.

take a nice high definition tour of the international space station.

june 25, 1876: was custer outgunned at little bighorn? uh, lots of dead bodies suggest yes.

"i went to neverland ranch and all i got was molested!" and more awesome michael jackson t-shirts.

June 25, 2009

Oh Stop Complaining, You're Just Jealous.

So South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took off to Argentina for week long booty call? Shut up and stop complaining; after all let's be honest here. You're just jealous. That's right, I said jealous. Because have you seen Argentinean women? Listen, in 2007 South Carolina was ranked the 5th fattest state in the Union; nudging up every so slightly to sixth place in 2008. What does that mean? One out of every three South Carolina chicks are chubbies! SO can you blame the guy for heading to where the weak peso makes him king of the world? Furthermore, Buenos Aires is ranked as the thirteenth politest city in the world. So who would you rather wake up to? This Argentinean mom and her fresh bakes croissants, or the 400lb fatty with a hairy chin, slamming down her four egg omelette from the Waffle House? Yeah, I thought so. Why else do you think all the major magazine fly down to South America every time they want to do a bikini photoshoot?

Now consider that Argentina's HIV rate of 0.5% is little higher than South Carolina's rate of 0.01% but let's be honest; when the chicks you're hunting prey that looks like this, that's a pretty acceptable risk. Because let's be honest, if you're out on the town and if after a few mojitos this chick invites you back to her room for a little fun, the last thing you're going to worry about is whether or not Elvis wears his blue suede shoes.

I could go on with several more reasons why this guy is totally cool for wanting to nail some Argentinean ass, but let's be honest, I don't have to. I've already convinced you that this man should not be scorned and ridiculed, but held up and worshiped like the cool motherfucker that he is. .

And just when you thought there was some normalcy returning to the world, consider that in two years time, this girl can legally have sex with you. Provided of course, you're not sporting one of these tattoos. Yeah, now THAT is fucked up.

Hey Ernie. I got these pictures from a friend who went to Mario Lemieux’s Stanley Cup party last week. Who knew the Stanley Cup floats? I thought it would make for a good feature. I’ve been with ya for ages (since it was Bert and Ernie’s Fuckin’ Funny List) and you’ve done a great thing in keeping us clowns laughing every day. I also really appreciate the attention that you’ve given to the troops over the years. Regards, Mike

By the way, my predictions about the rejected rose kid are coming true. Yep, this poor little douchebag is going to be famous, I tell ya. And we've all seen the website Hot Chicks With Douchebags so let's take it to another level. Every wonder how some of the hottest chicks out there end up marrying athletes that really suck at their job? Yeah, me too. And hand in hand with that, remember the insanely hot blonde chick who went on the un-fucking-believable rant? Yeah, that was none other than uber hottie Joanna Krupa. Ha! Peace out, bitches.

top ten post-apocalyptic movies. i'd rank the stand above the dawn of the dead remake any day.

top ten cities of the world with the most beautiful women. both tel aviv AND buenos aires!

another SFW video where you're going to want a little "private time". just trust me.

what are the world's worst hangover cures? pickled sheep eyes gets my vote.

four direct-to-dvd van damme films that will explode your balls.

twenty-one first person shooters you shouldn't have missed.

fun with yahoo answers. because stupid is as stupid does.

twelve bad ass chess sets. that's right, i said chess.

June 24, 2009

I Don't Know What Made Me Remember This Out Of Nowhere.

I went to high schhol with a kid named Chris, who was wicked smart. Our whole click took advanced classes and even then Chris stood out as having a little brighter bulb than the rest of us. But one day Chris' family up and moved to the other side of town, so he had to change schools. As the months waned on, Chris eventually fell out of touch with his nerd crew from the West side of Rochester and fell into a harsher crowd over in Greece. One thing led to another and he ended up getting a hold of a bad hit of acid, landing himself in the emergency room and an eventual psych hold. Nobody including the doctors and medical staff could talk to him, and he was convinced that his own family was out to kill him. In desperation, his mother called all his friends from his old West side neighborhood, hoping that seeing our familiar faces would help bring him out of his drug induced haze. So we all piled into the only car in our bunch (a 1976 Chevy Malibu nicknaked Bomber with four mismatched doors) and drive to the hospital. Park Ridge, I think.

There we meet Chris and his family in an isolated room and for all of the genius this kid had, all he could do is stare at the floor. He didn't look up when we came in, he didn't acknowledge us; nothing. So after some paniced glances from his mother and brother, I ventured up the question, "Hey Chris, how're you doin?" Chris didn't reply. He just stared at the checkboard pattern of the hospital room floor. A few more awkward moments passed and after a nudging elbow from one of my friends I followed up with, "How long have you been here buddy?" And then to everyone's amazement, Chris looked up and replied, "Oh hey, Ernie. I'm doing okay. I guess," before looking back down at his shoes. Huh? We didn't catch on at first. "Have you had anything to eat?" Again, Chris looked up and smiled, "I guess I've been here about two hours." It took a second to dawn on me but then I realized the fucking kid was one question behind. I asked him what time it was and sure enough, "Nah I don't think I've eaten since this morning."

We carried out an entire conversation that way over the next two hours. It got really freaky when someone else chimed in and it took serious effort to keep all the questions and delayed answers straight. Yeah, I don't know how anyone made it through the 60's because acid is some really bad shit. besides, they had more important things to be worried about: "What Jimmy didn't know was that Ralph was sick. A sickness that was not visible like smallpox, but no less dangerous and contagious. A sickness of the mind. You see, Ralph was a homosexual." It wasn't just Gay Pride Week in various real world cities over the course of this month - turns out the gay community in World of Warcraft was celebrating too.

Ernie, After reading your site for years, I never would have guessed you had any French blood in ya... but you surrendered to the game right at the end when you almost had it. Man. I've lost some faith in you. Right after the dinosaur level in your screen cap, it gives you the level in screen cap 1. However, as it hints with the Japanese small wave, you can't dissect the last pixel. The second screen cap is of my entire screen, and you'll note I brought up the magnifier to illustrate that it gets down to one pixel and that's it. You can make it make the cutting sound if you go over that pixel right, but it doesn't reduce any further. No end stats, nothing fun and glamorous, just the end. Hey, you can't say the screens before the dinosaur didn't tell you that it was almost over... ;) topher

I figured you may need to use the main menu page as a stats screen for scoring purposes so I took a screenshot, managed to improve on my slices for the dinosaur too. Thanks Ernie! Dan

To some of the lesser of you -- oh yes Topher, I'm talking about you -- you might think that Fat Slice is a scoreless game. And you'd be wrong. Because as Dan explains, you've got to use the ol noggin to get your final and completed score... And this Dan is in the lead with 51 slices (lower number is better).

Who ya gonna call? No, not the Ghostbusters although you can call them on your X-Box 360 -- you're gonna call Dyro-Rod! Really stupid four year old flushes puppy down the toilet, and five other amazing animal rescue videos. Looks like somebody will be needing a bath soon. And while I'm not normally a fan of user made movies, these Jake and Amir guys are actually pretty funny. Granted, that wasn't as funny as when they do pranks back and forth, but still not bad. Well, I've got my afternoon planned out, so I'll see you all tomorrow..


fifteen christina ricci nipple exposures. eh, sort of NSFW.

using rain gutters as cable management tools. don't laugh, it works.

can't afford the $440,000 price tag of a porsche carrera gt? no problem, boxster man!

his bitch has got the biggest back zit i have ever seen. no way i'm doing her doggie style.

textxfromlastnight: thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina.

while this video is completely SFW, you're going to want your penis in your hand anyway. trust me.

June 23, 2009

Disney Sucks.

First, let me again go on record as saying the Megan Fox rose kid is going to be batshit famous. Not only is this kid the only male that Megan has or ever will apologize to, I predict that she's going to invite him to the Transformers premier as her little play date. And -- AND -- I predict Jimmy Kimmel is going to invite him on his show afterwards, so he can tell the entire world what it was like to hang with the poor man's version of Angelina Jolie. Oh, and with such hotties as Jessica Biel, Lara Dutta, and Vida Guerra notched in his bedpost, I further predict that it's only a matter of time until 'Derek Jeter' is tattooed on her other hip. You mark my fucking words. Again.

Did I ever go off on my Disney Sucks rant? I don't think so, so here goes. I guess I should start with, uh, Disney sucks. Well, not the entire company, they do put out some pretty neat movies on occasion, I'm talking about Disney World down here in Florida. Yep, Disney World sucks Donkey Balls. Totally. See, every year for the past five hundred years or so, Flaherty's family takes an annual vacation to Disney World, and each year he comes back raving and ranting about how awesome a time he had. So last month when he was down in Melbourne for a business trip, I figured I'd meet up with him and I could see what all this Disney hub-bub was about. And I'd have sooner drank a gallon of spoiled rhinoceros cum while being gored right in the dick hole by a bull. Here's why.

Over at Universal Studios, also in Orlando, things are somewhat up with the times. In fact, may of you recall me getting pissy because they pulled out the Back to the Future ride because they deemed it too dated. In fact, the lamest fucking ride at Universal is the E.T. ride -- something there's no way they'd ever pull out because it's attached to Steven Spielberg -- and it's lame because the whole ride is nothing but busted ass 1970's era animatronics. I mean this shit looks like it was new during the Cold War. But as disappointing as it is, you can at least leave E.T. and go jump on something new and modern like Men In Black, or The Mummy to wash away the lame.

With Disney, you don't have that option. Everything -- and I fucking mean everything -- is animatronics. Animatronics. Animatronics. Animatronics. The Pirates of the Caribbean ride, which you know, should be kind of updated given the ongoing movie franchise? Looks like it was new during the Carter administration, with a few rubber Jack Sparrow masks stretched over... you guess it... animatronics. And just for the record, Ariel's Grotto is nowhere near as awesome as it sounds. So grab a $7 slushie (NO BEER!) and go on a ride on the other side of the park? Yep, animatronics. You want to know why our kids are dumber than they were twenty years ago? It's because parents take their kids to Disney World and their brains get rotted by all this ancient ass technology. And that's assuming their rides are open! While I was there, Splash Mountain, The Haunted Mansion, and Big Thunder Mountain were all, "temporarily closed." How long is temporary? "Oh we don't know sir, it could be a few minutes, it could be a few hours." Fuck that. The only -- the ONLY -- saving grace at the whole shootin match was the Epcot Center ride -- and that's just a fucking gondola that floats along a stream and you can see plants growing in the open air with no soil. That's it. That's the highlight of the fucking place. Listen, I understand the park is geared towards children and I'm okay with that, but throw the adults a fucking bone here, and no I don't mean more $12 Coronas.

So here's my advice to parents: if you kid is old enough to figure out that that's not really Mickey Mouse, but some (poor minimum wage bastard stuck in a costume on a 95 degree day), then they're too old for Disney. It's a place that's been trading on its reputation for the past ten years instead of reinvesting some of its profits to modernize the park. Trust me, go to Universal instead, they're guaranteed to put a killer smile on your face.

As for Flaherty and his annual pilgrimage, I don't think that he's is in love with Disney World per se, I think he's in love with what Disney World represents. It's a reminder of a time when the only thing you had to worry about was your homework assignment being due the following Monday. And there's nothing wrong with that, but Jesus have the fucking courtesy to get me hammered first, will ya? But don't take my word for it, let's find out what the internet thinks.

I know you are a fan of RC aircraft..I usually find good airplane videos on your site as fast as the RC COMMUNTIES ! Here is a video of my WW1 Fokker D7, it is painted in the scheme of a pilot named Mox Holtzem. It took me almost 100 hours just to draw out and paint the colored lozenges or (spots) on the plane. It is all hand painted with some airbrush and chalk weathering. I believe most of this video was filmed on the day of the test flights. I hope you like the video as I have watched many good ones on your site.

Ernie, Your site has been a daily stop on my search for the end of the internet for a while now, and I finally came across something worth contributing. Here is what happens when you dump yourself over the handlebars and use your face as a surfboard. And while I'm at it I would like to make a public service announcement to your readers: Do not leave kegs near an open fire, no matter how empty they are or how drunk you are. They WILL explode and possibly remove the better portion of your nose (photos both before and after medical treatment). Keep up the good work. Dom

Jesus, Dom, maybe you should wear a helmet. You know... ALL THE TIME. I don't think they got as beat up as you but here is a video of two cheerleaders fighting and to be honest, I thought they were just joking around at first until Red & Yellow girl climbed on top of Blue & White girl and nearly drowned her in a puddle. These bitches fight mean. Oh, and so long, Ed McMahon. We hardly knew ye. But Johnny Carson sure as hell did. I guess ol Ed just couldn't live in a world where the Black Eyed Peas get to beat up Perez Hilton.

a man and his friends track down the guy who stole his iphone. good shit.

cars and trucks that are currently built in the united states. you'll be surprised.

old and busted: women trying to drive. the new hotness: women trying to park.

my life in a g-string: a round up of stripper memoirs. no not me, some chick.

seven actresses you might not know are australian. melissa george, mmmm.

if she can do this with a banana, just imagine what she could do with... a cucumber.

eight intriguing pairs (and two trios) who died on the same day. july 4th always gets me.

zombie preparedness initiative is a knowledgebase provided by a community of concerned citizens.

June 22, 2009

Apple Sucks.

You know, if Apple had approved this Commodore 64 emulator for their iPhone, I just might have gone out to buy one. But the fact that they didn't? Un-fucking-believable.

So last week I went and watched Sam Raimi's Drag Me To Hell, and it was actually pretty scary for a PG-13 movie. I mean it wasn't a Friday the 13th or anything, but it had its moments. I was able to pick up on some of the more subtle Raimi trademarks like the Ram-O-Cam and a really intense (and somewhat comical) fight scene between the main character played by Alison Lohman and the crazy old Gypsy lady. And of course, just like rule number six says, some stupid fuck brought a baby to a horror movie.

Do you remember these pictures of the failed yacht launch? Well here's a video of another unlucky boat. And I sure remember when Heather Graham and Kristin Cavallari both wore this little black dress? Which is nice because who doesn't want to get a little air, eh? Anyway, it turns out they're just the newest members of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Slutty Dress. Which of course begs the question, just where do I sign up?

I know you look at once in a while. So I was pretty proud to make the top photos of last week. They get thousands of photos and I was really surprised that my photo made top of the week. I know you can look me up, I have contributed and annoyed you both I'm sure. As always, love your site and will contribute whenever possible. This is just sharing a similar interest and I don't think most people care. I just happened to see it on the news at 11:00 PM. I said fuck it I'll try and get a photo and it worked out OK. Thanks for looking Ernie. Harald, Tacoma, WA

Sometimes it's just your time to go. Greg

Ernie, your site make even the shittiest day at work bearable. Enough with the pleasantries, I found this link on Sunday afternoon while waiting for Father's Day dinner. Nazdrovye! -Big Dave

Being attacked won't always help you lose the weight you're looking for, but add a little Vinnie Jones and it will do wonders for you.

Thank you, Ernie, for posting the unadulterated clip on "Neda." When I read about and saw her in the online media, all I saw was a pixilated scene which made the event blasé. I went straight to your sight because I was pretty sure that you would have the link available and ... I was right! Seeing the true clip makes one's blood boil and delivers the impact of the tragedies going on in Iran. Thanks again. Dave-in-Conyers-GA

Yeah Harald, I like trains and so does Michael Goldstein who likes to film people jumping their BMX bikes over moving ones. I'm too much of a pussy for that so yeah, I think he's a little touched.

Hey if you've got the balls, I've got a new Game Challenge and it's called Fat Slice. No offense to all you fat people, the game is played almost like the old time Quix game, where you have to draw lines to segment off the remaining balls. It tracks your score and percentage for each level, so I presume it gives you some stats at the end, but truth be told I can't make it past the dinosaur. So unless you're too much of a pussy, send me a screen cap and we'll get this bith rollin.

honey i'm home! a tv show homes quiz.

the evolution of space cruiser design: a gallery.

twelve awesome 80's movies that are absolutely perfect.

don't look at the arc. eight famous film villains who died by melting.

trouble stealing your neighbor's wi-fi? boost your signal theft range to eight miles!

the atari 2600, wind turbines, ibm roadunner, brain coral and the st lawrence seaway.

this deleted scene from terminator 3:rise of the machines explains how the t-800 was modeled.

leighton meester is about to face a huge problem: her sex tape has just leaked onto the internet.

June 20, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Father's Day Weekend Joke Here. Now Go Call Your Dad.

protest our government and maybe catch a baton. protest the iranian government and you get this.

two hundred of the hottest female athletes. alison stokke in there? you betcha.

the ten hottest female athletes: AS CHOSEN BY HOT FEMALE ATHLETES.

seven total badasses with totally wussy hobbies. jackie chan? teacups.

and on the flip side: six famous wusses that are secret bad asses.

don't even reply - emails from an asshole (no, not me).

excuse me, waiter...? there’s a large bird of prey in my soup.

ten ridiculous TOTALLY AWESOME psa’s about crack. number five rules.

everything you always wanted to know about female ejaculation (but were afraid to ask).

kudos to you, pixar.

June 19, 2009

So This Is One Expensive Dog.

Not wanting to be outdone by Scott's dog Lucky, Bianca went under the knife again yesterday. Back story. I used to know a girl who was a veterinary technician -- and I by "know" I mean "do". Anyway, I'd always see her running her hands all over her dogs; ears, legs, back, stomach, neck, toes... literally everywhere. I asked her what she was doing, and she explained that she did this to all of her dogs at least once a week, this way she was very familiar with their bodies so if they developed any lumps or masses, no matter how small or hard to find, she would know. This struck me as a very good idea and ever since I've incorporated this into my own pet ownership responsibilities. A lot of people think I'm just giving Ike a handjob, but I know better.

Anyway, I started doing the same thing with Bianca -- yeah the renaming to Bea just didn't take -- and I noticed a lump on the right side of her neck. Hmmm. So I called Ike over and felt him up; no lump for him. So I went back to Bianca, and felt for one on the left side (a general rule of thumb is if you find something on the other side, chances are it's supposed to be there). No dice. So, like Christina Applegate, I felt a lump and got a little scared. A few days later, we have the lump aspirated at the vet to be checked out under a microscope; while she doesn't see any of the telltale signs of cancer cells she does recommend the lump be removed just in case. And while she's under the knife, we can have a sebaceous cyst removed from her side as well.

So yesterday was the day. Dropped her off at 8:20 in the morning and picked her up at 5:00pm last night. Under a microscops, the right side was indeed a sebaceous cyst as expected, so that's no problem. The one on her neck was a little more interesting. Upon examination, it had absolutely no characteristics of cancer, so that was a relief and the most important thing I was worried about. But it wasn't a cyst, either. The best the vet can figure -- and she's a very well respected vet in the area so her good guess carries a lot of weight -- was this mass is scar tissue from a previous injury. Say....oh I dunno, from two dogs fighting a month ago? Anyway. The mass she removed -- which looked like a cooked down beef bullion cube about the size of a small pea -- now lives in a little beaker of formaldehyde at the vet's office. Should Bianca develop another mass, this preserved sample can be sent off to a lab to be positively identified. If she months roll by with no further problems, I'll pick up the cyst and keep it on my computer desk. In the meantime, Bianca and her patchwork of shaved fur and purple stitches, is getting loaded every eight hours on a Torbugesic liquid. It's pretty funny to watch a dog get high. But the real problem? No pool for at least a week. Ouch. And hey, I've got to stay on top of this Five Guys shit:

Whats up Ern! I was reading the comment on your page about the guy who got a bad burger at Five Guys. I'm a manager at the store in my area, and let me assure you, the guy must have visited on a day where a complete fucking retard was working the grill. It is drilled in to our employee's heads every day to make the patties "thick and juicy". So sir, on behalf of Five Guys, sorry. As for the prices? Feel free to go to Mcdonalds if you want cheaper food. Some of the prices are steep I'll admit, but in the long run, you're getting far better quality food than any other burger joint. The man should have told the manager his concerns about the thickness of his patties. A good, responsible manager would have promptly refunded him and made him a new one, to the Five Guys standard. BTW, if you've ever in Kansas City, drop by and take our 10-patty challenge! Long time reader, Nate

Ernie, I did some calling around to different Five Guys locations (Cape Coral FL, Chicago IL, Dallas TX and D.C.) It seems only in the upper mid west (Madison, WI and Chicago locations) are we getting the High prices. All the areas I called had prices for hamburgers of $4.69 and $5.29 for the cheeseburgers. The fries where $4.19. As for the thin patties I received this following email this morning:

Thank you for your visits to the Madison Five Guys. I am sorry that you found our price increases so out of line. We had held off raising any of our prices for over a year and then waited for the semester to end in Madison. This meant we absorbed all the product increases we had during this difficult year along with most customers watching their bottom line very carefully. We continue to buy only the best products for our stores and we will not cut back on quality to keep our prices down. The burgers are handmade into 3.3 ounces and we check on their accuracy with a digital scale. The patties are pressed down during the cooking process but that is with a special press that has edges that keep each patty the same. I will tell the manager about your patty being too thin and find out what caused this to happen. Five Guys is committed to bring you great food in a clean restaurant with friendly service. Thank you again for being a Five Guys customer.

I'll be giving them one more try to see how thick the burger is, with pictures. Here are the links to the menus if you want to see the difference in prices. [May and June] and Thank You for having a great web site. Hofy

Don't worry Five Guys, you'll always be perfect in my book, because you guys always deliver on your best burger promise. And yesterday I was holding the specimen jar containing the cyst and God fucking dammit, I forgot to get a picture. I was just so happy to pick Bianca up, it slipped my mind, shit sorry! Oh, and William Shatner flipped off Conan O'Brien last night. Denny Crane. Heh.

old and busted: tiger with a golf club. the new hotness: josh womack with a baseball bat.

the twenty most anticipated movies of 2010. why would you remake robocop?

google street view busts ford transit connect driver soliciting hooker.

the tv show theme song quiz. 11 out of 15. you're welcome.

turn your home computer into a web server in two minutes.

so you'll know what shit to yell after we invade....

June 18, 2009

So Swatting A Fly Makes Headline News Now?

Old and busted: Israeli girls with M-16s on their shoulder hanging out at the ice cream shop. The new hotness: Manly Brazilian chicks choking you out in three seconds. Boy, that's a heck of a rollercoaster ride, eh?

This next video is kind of difficult to explain, but I'll try. Helen Hunt. PCP. A cat. A keyboard. And Darryl Hall & John Oats. And your dad said the internet was just for looking at pussy. Anyway, just promise me you'll watch it all the way through. You know, because your kiss is on my list.

As much as I hate fucking Twittering, my buddy sent me this link and I can’t stop checking it…That’s right my Ernie, The Persian you love to hate is posting his thoughts for everyone. Keep up the fine work brutha, Ryan

"A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise." --Jay Leno

Hi Ernie, Just snapped this and thought you might like it. I took it in downtown Baltimore even though the plate is IL. I don’t think it’s a real Decepticon because a Decepticon wouldn’t advertise what it was. Or, that may be just what they want me to think. Hmmmm. Dave

Here's a list of things that Ben Affleck has ruined for me; paramount of which are lesbians, which is why I swear on my mother's grave that I'll never watch Chasing Amy ever again. Oh, how I pine for Joey Lauren Adams from Mallrats, but I'll admit Claire Forlani didn't look half bad in that flick, either.

This baby has to be the best break dancer ever. The best comment? "FAKE..........only black people breakdance on the floor." HAHAHAHAHAHA

Hey now that Conan Obrien is running the Tonight Show, I wonder if he's going to have some sort of a reunion with Former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich and make a sequel to their cop movie? because you've got the right to be my bitch!

Ernie, I have read about how great Five Guys Burgers are on your site for the last year. Last month (May 14th) I found one kinda close to my area. The wife and I made the 70 mile drive to it for lunch. I was everything you said it was. Great burger for a good price. I returned today for lunch since I was in the area. This is where it goes sour. First off the prices went up. Given the crap economy this is no surprise. The Hamburger went from $4.39 to $4.99 and the cheeseburger from $4.99 to $5.59. Not bad, still affordable. The large fries however, went from $3.79 to $4.99. For fucks sake they are potatoes! The death blow came when I unwrapped my burger. The patties where a thin 1/8 of an inch thick. WTF??!! This is less than half the thickness as last time. Also, the patty didn't even reach the edge of the bun. Sign me, Mocha Jesus killed my hamburger.

Nah, that can't be right! Not my Five Guys! I don't remember my last burger being like that and I can't imagine the guys at Five Guys would short change you. Maybe you made a mistake and ordered the Supermodel Burger by accident or something. Either way, I must rush to my local Five Guys to make sure all is right with the world.

herpeharmony #1 trusted singles herpes dating site - spread love, not herpes!

"i’ll allow it!" eighteen crazy (and legally unlikely) courtroom scenes.

vinegar, rinse, repeat. the ten biggest female celebrity douche bags.

twelve of the deadliest unmanned killing machines in our arsenal.

twenty horror clichés that will not die. stupid creepy kids.

celebrity careers launched by ethnic makeovers. jackie chan, sure. but rita hayworth? WOW!

top ten classic boxing knockouts caught on film.

June 17, 2009

Don't Try To Run, I Can Keep Up With You.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: a reason to join Twitter. Hello Boys, I'm BACK!

Growing up, I used to love to beat off to Madonna videos. Seriously. Now remember this was before the internet made porn to readily available so if I wanted to snap a batch out, my options were pretty limited. And without a doubt, my all time favorite Madonna video was (and still is!) Open Your Heart, but I have to warn you: beating off to that video idn't for amateurs. Reach critical mass too soon and you're likely to end up staring at one of the peep show spectators, instead of the peep show itself. That's not cool. And take too long to cross the finish line, and it's nothing but the kid dancing with Madonna -- a prospect that can keep you up late at night shivering, trust me. But if you timed everything right, ah, it was pure magic. Which is why I was a little disappointed that her video didn't make this list of videos that put hair on our palms. Stupid Erotica.

Mix one part half-breed vampire from Blade, one part flying Chinese girl from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, and one part Gogo from Kill Bill I, and evidently you get Saya, the Last Vampire. So if she's really a 400 year old vampire trapped in the body of a 16 year old... that's not statutory rape, is it? Hey, I'm just askin.

I don't know about you, but my favorite television dad never told me anything about the deaf girl in accounting. I guess I should have watched more movies instead of television, eh?

Question: If you are paddling through the streets in a boat, do you really need to "warn people of flooding" as the photo caption states? And either that dog has extremely long legs or, I question the need for the boat, the life jackets, and the helmets. I'm just sayin'.. Joe

What do ya think about that...."I-just-wrote-the-longest-run-on-sentence-in-my-life-thinking-my-day-was-done-and-what-a-good-job-I-did-setting-that-fat-father-fucking-bitch-up-to-be-ridiculed-by-the-whoopass-people-from-the-house-of-Ernie-only-to-have-the-bitch-save-her-worthless-self-by-deleting-the-video! FUCKING-CUNT-I'll-get-ya. Jack

Sorry Jack. There were actually two instances of that news report on Youtube, and they ended up removing both and instead want you to visit their site (and chew up their bandwidth) here. Personally if I were this woman, I'd hide my head in shame instead of launching a self proclaimed 'siege' against White Castle. You need to be launching a crusade against your waistline is what you need to be doing. And get this; the fat pig claims to be an ex-stripper. Yep! Stay classy, Minneapolis!

Inspired by the British charity, a United States Comic Relief charity was founded in 1986 by Bob Zmuda. Comic Relief is an irregularly held event, televised on Home Box Office , which has raised and distributed nearly $50 million towards helping homeless men, women, and children throughout the United States. Comedians Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, and Whoopi Goldberg are hosts of the event. Here are the thirteen best performances from Comic Relief comedians, and surpise, virtually none of them are from todays era.

This kid is going to be so fucking famous. Oh, and for some reason, I have the feeling Patrick Swayze is going to die this week. Cheers!

useful: a free online OCR tool. you can use this to perform ocr on any image you supply.

five films where the edited for tv version went wrong. you dumb mother crusher.

you, me, and our iphones: a demographical breakdown of who's who.

before and after: satellite imagery with nasa.

replace "oral sex" with "grill cheese sandwich" and this editorial becomes priceless.

June 16, 2009

... I Do Solemnly Swear... Cook... Iron... Clean...

So do you think this woman really has degenerative-disc-disease, or do you think she has I'm-just-a-fat-cunt-who-rides-my-scooter-everywhere-instead-of-getting-off-my-fat-ass-and-walking-to-eat-fast-food-everyday-so-I-can-live-on-social-security-disease? (FIXED!)

So I'm a little torn over this upcoming flick Year One. On the downside, it's got Jack Black in it, and my general rule of thumb is anything with Jack Black in it, is going to suck cock. Yet it was written by Harold Ramis, and another rule of thumb I have, is anything having anything to do with Harold Ramis is going to be fucking awesome. So I don't quite know what to do. Anyway, here are some clips they've released, including one with uber hottie, Olivia Wilde.

Partially hanging yourself while masturbating is a bad idea. So is jerking off in the bathtub while holding a toaster over your head, but people actually do the hanging thing. It's called autoerotic asphyxiation and we don't David Carradine doesn't recommend it. Let's rank the most embarassing ways to die.

Hey Ernie, I was just watching Army of Darkness and remembered a fond memory of mine that I thought I would share with you. Back in the good old days of H.S. I was in film class. My teacher of this class also happened to be friends or acquaintances with Bruce Campbell. My Highschool was only 4 miles away from where Bruce grew up. So my teacher convinced Bruce to stop by the school and do a little presentation and question/answer with all of the film classes. Now when my teacher announced this to us; nobody knew who the fuck Bruce Campbell was except for me (Thanks to my step father who watched Evil Dead I, II, and AofD all of the time). So Bruce did his presentation talking and then it came time for questions. Everybody took their turn asking what is hollywood like, what's your favorite movie, and other meaningless bullshit. So me and a couple of my buddies convinced my other friend (Mike) to ask Bruce a question. A little background on Mike; he kinda looks like a gremlin if you fed it after midnight and also his nickname in h.s. was Mike the retard. Anyways, Mike goes up to the microphone and asks Bruce.."how exactly would i go about getting into the adult film industry, I'm looking to become a performer". And Bruce responds without missing a beat, "First off, try to find someone else to practice with instead of just your hand" and then looks him up and down and says "but i don't think your going to be able to find a damn person thats gonna want to screw you, honestly". The audience burst into laughter at Mike and his reward for his brave question? 3 day suspension for asking an innappropriate question. Hail to the King Baby. -Chris

"... And then Al Roker went on Twitter and outed these twats, writing: "Heidi and Spencer are an interesting couple. Famous for... being infamous. Bad and vacuous behavior. I think we're at minute 11 of their 15."

fifteen classic pc design mistakes. quite an interesting read for my fellow nerds.

ten movies that great actors should be embarassed to have been a part of.

the ten most psychotic girlfriends of all time. i'm not touching this one.

a collection of bloopers from STNG. in the future, everyone says shit?

six intriguingly shaped communities as seen on google maps.

virtual breast augmentation. is the internet great, or what?

June 15, 2009

Things That Break My Balls.

Over the weekend, one of CNN's headlines read something to the effect of, "Letter posted on Moussavi's Web site requests vote recount." Sorry I didn't think to get a screen capture, so you'll have to trust me on this one. But what struck me as silly is the fact that CNN felt obligated to point out this request was made via a Web site, as opposed to some other form of communication. Like Ahmadinejad would sit back and say, "Well at first I was going to deny your request but since you made it via a Web site, well fuck, how can I say no to that?" Anyway, it was thirty years ago that a revolution in Iraq replaced the existing monarchy with the current regime of Islamic fundamentalism. Who knows, maybe this is the second coming? Maybe these protests will actually bring about reform in the Middle East? Maybe those boys really can drive Ahmadinejad from power and democracy will reign? Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot. But seriously, how long do you think util this Moussavi guy gets killed an a suicide bombing?

I don't know what's more awesome about this Judge Judy clip; the fact that a (cunt) is suing her fat friend for breaking her toilet, or that the Youtube video id begind with "Eat-". While that's a fairly short clip I was able to learn that wearing hats don't make you look skinny, instead try putting down the fucking cheeseburger. Maybe eat more fish. And that's somewhat of an annoying thing on the internet; waiting 20 seconds for a page to load, only to watch a 10 second video. That's a waste of time and I don't link to really short videos unless I find them extremnely entertaining, like this one of a guy trying to kick his dog into a frigid lake. Because karma makes us all warm. But here's another solution; string 32 short videos together for some fail goodness.

Hey just got in from slamming my head in the car door and just remembered about blind carbon copy... you are correct, and I apologize for cluttering up your e-mail. I am just a fan of your webiste and only wanted to send you links you may want to use that is all. Dean the Douchebag.

Now see, that's not the message I want to send. I'm just having a little fun with you. I welcome viewer submissions, I really do. But generally speaking if something sounds to fantastic to be true, it usually is. That goes hand in hand with the, "My brother just took these photos," versus the, "my brother's cousin's nephew's sister-in-law's postman's roommate's plumber's former teacher from grade school took these photos." Besides, if I were really angry, I'd have flamed you.

Ernie. Today, a guy grabs my wife’s boobs and even stuck his face in them! She usually handles these things with no help from me, but she thought it was cute and none of us had even been drinking. I can’t believe it. My niece, a homemaker, and her husband, a Japanese doctoral student, came to visit and take in the local Nine Inch Nails concert. They brought this guy with them. After getting married on our lawn a few years ago, they moved to Indiana. They had been anxiously expecting this guy for nearly a year and he shows up last April when I first met him. They go off to the concert and leave him here with us! This guy has never worked a day in his life, does nothing but eat, sleep, laugh, cry and fart. He’s almost always got a bottle in his hands. My sister-in-law jokingly called him a “fat little tick” which everyone thought funny except my niece who feigns indignance every time we repeat it. I’ve tried talking to him, but all he does is smile and laugh. He seems oblivious and in his own little world. What really gets me is my family is crazy about this guy, especially my niece and her husband. He can do no wrong. If you go to the mall with him, women stop and make over him. It’s driving me nuts. Here’s his picture, so you can keep your wife and daughters safe. Joe.

Ernie, I was double checking the date for Father's day online and came across this. Love the site. Kevin

Hey Ernie, I saw this posted on Fark and thought you might like to read it. This copper down in New Orleans just passed away after 63 years on the job.... after he was a discharged from the army.... who served as a medic on D-Day. What an incredible commitment to public service. Josh

Hey have you ever seen that video of the sea-plane taking off towards the guy holding the camera? The one where the plane is coming right at him and it's getting closer and closer until finally, the camera guy has to duck down just as the plane manages to get airborne at the last second and fly off into the sunset for a day willed with adventure and glory? Yeah? Well this isn't that video.

Hey Ernie...glad you had fun on your cruise. I was having a substantially more fucked up weekend as it turned out... A warning to all dog owners out there...if you think because they grow everywhere, foxtails are free, let my experience be a cautionary tale to you to keep your best friend and loyal companion the fuck out of them at all times. Playing ball with Lucky on Thurs...bad bounce, ball and dog end up in a big patch of foxtails. Dog comes out without ball - immediate concern on my part as that just doesn't happen. Ever. Dog paws at nose and sneezes once, twice, 5 times, 10 times. Fuck. I know immediately that bad bounce is going to fuck my whole world up. Call vet - appointment for Fri after work - best they can do. [READ THE REST HERE]~Scott

Hey if I made you choose between being a photographer at a Sci-Fi convention, or helping Chastity Bono with her pre-surgery To-Do list, which would you choose? I'm just glad neighter of the two have any ideous tattoos inspired by movies. Because nobody should like King Leonidas that much.

pictures: most and least expensive cars to insure. porsche? duh.

two botflies extracted from man's arm: the birth of joey and little dick.

remember that bad ass autonomous paintball sentry robot? yours for only $349.

some ge diesel locomotives, the .700 nitro express, apollo i, plasma tvs, and run flat tires.

movie production costs and profits are compared: by the second. don't blink!

if you can get past this being french, you'll get a good laugh from it.

eight starship enterprise facts every trekkie should know.

June 13, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Rigged Election Joke Here.

ten quick facts about the stars and stripes.

ten most absurd time covers of the past forty years.

does birth control make your breasts grow? let's find out. NSFW.

most over and under valued hosuing markets. go cape coral, woo hoo!

fifteen retarded monsters from dungeons and dragons. all hail the brain-in-a-jar!

brazilisthatway - dontcallmefat - dunkindonutkitty - kittyhatestheshower - puppypacifier

photos: the latest clues in the crash of air france 447. besides, you know, it being french.

the world's most awesome show just got more awesomelier. moon bloodgood joins burn notice.

awesome light heavyweight fight between keith jardine and wanderlei "the axe murderer" silva at ufc 84.

June 12, 2009

Spammers Are Energy Creatures. Don't Feed Them And They Will Die.

For some reason I feel the need to readdress the issue of forwarding on chain letters. The last time I did so, the chain letter de'jour was about sick little Billy who wanted you to send him postcards so that he could get better. Lately I've seen a little more highbrow urban legends, such as Butter vs Margarine, the Blair Holt gun bill, and the old 777 cop dial. Now. Anytime I get one of these fucking abortions in my inbox, I always write back -- replying to EVERYONE in the TO field thus make the sender look as big a fucking asshole as I can -- and refer them to Snopes. Now, if Douchebag Rob is going to preach Diamonds International, then I'm going to preach Snopes. Snopes, Snopes, Snopes. Anytime you get one of these chain letters in your inbox and you feel the urge to send it on, I want you to follow these three simple steps:

1. Slam your fucking head in a car door.

That's right. Do it. Slam your motherfucking head in a car door. Because hopefully, this will knock some fucking sense into that thick fucking skull of yours. All chain letter are bullshit. All of them. I say again: they're all fake. Complete and utter bullshit. Bull. Shit. Bullshit. Nobody wants to read your bullshit, so don't make them have to. But if you're a complete douchebag and feel that you simply must forward on this bullshit:

2. Check Snopes to see if you can find the story.

If the car door and ensuing concussion aren't enough to set you straight, then perhaps seeing it in black and white will have some effect. Since you're a complete douchebag and nobody likes you, you were probably the last person they sent it to: chances are it's old and has already been sent to hundreds of thousand of other people already, so you'll probably find it on Snopes. But in the off chance that it's not on there (or more likely, you're just too fucking stupid to find it) and you're ready to forward your useless bullshit to everyone who very soon won't be your friend anymore, please do this:

3. Put your own email address in the TO field, and all the email addresses you're really sending it to, in the BCC field.

Here's why: the last dipshit to send me one of these chain letters was Dean and the butter/margarine story. Since Dean is a douchebag and didn't use the BCC field, as did none of the people before him, guess how many valid email addresses were attached? Eighty-seven. That's right; 87 addresses all of which have undoubtedly been grabbed by special programs that harvest these email addresses to be added to lists to start spamming. Great fucking job, Dean and all you other fucking knuckleheads who've sent me bullshit chain emails over the last three years, you've helped keep spammers in business, because that's exactly how spammers get your motherfuciing email addresses.

Listen, if you've got QUALITY and ORIGINAL content to send in -- then by all means, please do so. That's how EHOWA survives, by reader submissions. But if you get something in your inbox and you have to scroll through ten pages of email addresses and FWD's and >>>>> marks -- then do yourself a favor. Delete the motherfucking thing. I don't care how sexy it is, and I don't care how unsexy it is. Just fucking delete it.

But presuming you're not a douchebag, chances are you know one. And thus you undoubtedly get spam, as do I. And guess what? It's only getting worse. In fact, over the past four years, want to know how many emails I've received? Over 1.8 million. No shit. Want to know how many of them were actually valid emails? Less than four percent -- 3.86% to be more precise, which is 72,373 emails. You want to know how much on those 1,872,732 spam emails I had to wade through? Maybe a hundred. Why? Because I'm fucking awesome, that's why. And because I use Spamarrest. Here's how it works: Right now you're checking your email directly from your internet service provider; say for example DEAN@LOVESTOEATCOCK.COM. Once that email address gets scooped up by a spammer, it's added to the list already containing million of other poor bastards like himself, and spam follows. Now each time Douchebag Dean checks his email, he's got to wade through all the spam bullshit in order to get to his real emails -- probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 96% like me -- which is quite a pain in the balls.

Here's how Spamarrest changes that: Douchebag Dean signs up for Spamarrest and provides them with the username/password to check his mail for him. Spamarrest does so, and for anyone not on his approved sender list, Spamarrest immediately replies back with a challenge email to make you prove you're a human and not a spammer. It's called a catpcha and if you don't acknowledge it within a set period of time (in my case seven days) -- an unrealistic expectation for a spammer who is sending 4,000,000 emails a day -- then your email simply gets deleted. Goodbye, spam! But for us real people sending real emails, it's no effort to complete the captcha and poof, our email goes through without a hitch. And remember you only have to complete the captcha one time to ba added to the approved sender list and you're good from then on.

Hi Ernie, Jake writing from beautiful St. John’s, Newfoundland, Canada. St. John’s is the most easterly city in not only Canada, but all of North, South and Central America. We’re also one of the oldest, at just over 500 years. We have encounters with all kinds of vessels coming and going, but one that stuck out in everyone’s mind was Le Grand Bleu. She landed here late last year when the owner had loaned the ship out to one of his friends while he was waiting on the construction of his new (and much larger) Yacht (or so the story goes). Anyways, took this shot of the vessel tied up in front of our downtown scenery. Note the mast towards the stern of the ship is actually that of the sailboat that is on board next to the Sundancer… Thanks for the site, and keep er’ neat! -Jake

Now when Douchebag Dean checks his email, he checks it from Spamarrest and not his ISP and guess what -- the only email he sees are those from people on his approved sender list. How much spam? Zero. Well, I shouldn't say that. Every once in awhile a spammer gets adventurous and completed the captcha, but his effort is wasted as I can block him with two clicks of the mouse. So if anyone on his approved list turns into a douchebag like him, Douchebag Dean can block them too. Forever. So my advice to you all is don't be like Douchebag Dean -- DON'T forward on chain letters, DO use the Bcc field, and DON'T try to fight spam on your own: it's virtually an impossible mission. Do yourself a favor and DO sign up for Spamarrest. Trust me, you won't regret it.

"no matter how hot a chick is, somewhere out there is a guy who's already sick of her shit."

endoscopic removal of a maxillary sinus cholesterol cyst. uh, huh? dude, nose surgery.

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wow, you people are honestly, truly, genuinely, FUCKING CRAZY.

the best phil specter lookalikes. pee wee herman, heh.

seven things electronics salespeople won't tell you.

June 11, 2009

C'Mon In, We're Having A Party!

I highly doubt Domino’s trains their employees for these types of situations. You know, the one where you go to deliver pizza to a hotel room full of ammunition and a gangbang. I’m just saying, it’s probably not in the employee manual.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention one of the highlights of the cruise -- you know, besides not working -- was a show put on by a guy called Jeff The Juggler. it really was like being ten years old and at the circus again. You can check out his website here. The trip also allowed me to sneak in some beach volleyball with the ladies. I love women's beach volleyball. It's a great, competitive sport featuring beautiful, athletic participants.

Hey remember a couple of years back when Danny Devito showed up hammered on The View? Well the adorable littl ebastard is at it again, only this time it's beer not limoncello. But don't worry, "it's not real beer," he assured the reporter on live television, just moments before asking how her ladyparts looked as she gave birth. I love this guy!

Hey Ernie, Big time fan, I followed you from living in Halifax Nova Scotia up till today living in Dawson Creek British Columbia. I drove by this truck (one of many where I live mind you) and I knew this would be up your alley. Geoff

I guess you have seen this already, but I just drove to Florida for the first time, so its new to me. As a good omen to start my 15 hour drive home, I was sent on my way out of Apalachicola by the Most Badass of All Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services Commissioners. Vincent.

Here are twenty photos that make steroids look bad. You know, just in case the roid rage and strangling your family wasn't enough.

Question. By digitally removing a woman's nipples, have we desexualized her? While you consider that question, check out this gallery exactly that. If that's not a conspiracy, I don't know what is.

six reasons why sam raimi is awesome.

poor phil specter. where have all the good boys gone?

thirty-five tip jars designed to make you be less of a cheap jew.

so is anyone besides me fucking salivating waiting for 'public enemies' to open?

six ridiculous sex myths that are actually true. remember this when you call for a hooker.

a sweet knockoff of cargo bridge called bridgecraft. a little kid'sy at first but it gets better.

"okay, i'll make a webcam dance for you, but you have to promise not to post it on the internet..."

harvard trained psychiatrist explains why the fast moving zombies of '28 days later' are complete bullshit.

June 10, 2009

So Where The Fuck Was I All Weekend?

Those of you paying attention to ErnieCam were able to see that I had somewhat of an adventurous weekend, and yes it most certainly involved me wearing a swim suit. But no, I wasn't getting arrested, I was aboard the Majesty of the Seas for a four day Royal Caribbean cruise sailing out of Miami. It was my first cruise ever and what can I say, aside from the weather sucking cock, it was pretty awesome. Now if I had travelled all the way down here from Boston for this vacation, the weather really would have had me bent out of shape; but since I live here now, eh I just roll with it.

In review, I'll start with the highs. There's nothing I can't stand more than ordering a mixed drink -- say a Jack & Coke for example -- and when you take the first sip you're left wondering, "Uh, where's the Jack?" I can assure you this was not a problem on Royal Caribbean. In fact, quite the opposite was true; you'd take your first sip, cough a little bit, and wonder if they can out of Coke. Not that I was complaining, mind you! So the drinks were awesome. Expensive of course, but that'd part of the hook with a cruise ship. Next time I might happen to 'forget' about that bottle of Jack Daniels in my suitcase.

The food, meh, was a letdown to be honest. It was okay. Not awesome, not horrible, but okay. I never left the table hungry - perish the thought -- but I never left it totally stunned either. But perhaps the two things food-wise that turned me off the most were (a) most of the restaurants closed up around 10:00pm, leaving me stuck with so-so buffet food. What the fuck's up with that? And (b) there were fucking up charges for everything. Want some orange juice? No problem. Want some freshly squeezed orange juice? That'll be $3 extra. Want some coffee? No problem. Want some expresso? That'll be $2.50 extra. Grabbing a burger in their new Johnny Rockets? That's an extra $4.95 plus another $4.95 for your milkshake. Keep in mind this is on top of the "all inclusive" price you paid to get onboard. There was lots of little nickel and dime shit like that. Very un-classy if you ask me. We pulled aside one of the waiters and asked him what's up, and he said these charges were something new that just crept up in the past few months. Another effect of the down economy, I presume.

But like I said, it rained when we left and rained when we pulled into Royal Caribbean's private island, Coco Cay, the following day. But since we planned on spending the day in the water, who cares? It's a neat little setup they have there. anyone who wants to go ashore is ferried over in these 100-passenger tender boats, and there on the island there's snorkeling, jet-skiing, swimming, parasailing, etc. We brought our own snorkeling gear with us but hey guess what -- their rules require each snorkeler to wear one of their inflation vests which you can rent... for a mere $6 each. Ha. Also on the island are a few shops selling BAHAMAS t-shirts and hand carved this-and-that... mostly tourist junk to be honest. So yeah, I bought a hand carved hammerhead shark to remember the trip with.

Anyway, my real souvenier from Coco Cay is on my leg. You see out in the bay, Royal Caribbean has two sunken attractions for people to snorkel up to... one is a small plane and the other a 'shipwreck'. I put the shipwreck in quotes because it's actually just part of a bow section with a few faux cannons sticking out, and not the whole ship. Well the cannons -- I scratched them really good with my thumbnail, and they were white under the sea growth, so I presume they're concrete -- were only about three feet under water so I decided to straddle one and reenact Rock Hound's nuclear bomb scene from Armageddon. The catch is, this particular cannon also happened to be the home of one Atlantic Sea Anemone. This anemone did not like me sitting on his cannon and thus proceeded to sting the ever living shit out of my right leg; I quickly vacated his neighborhood but not before taking this home to remember him by. But I suppose it could have been worse, right? Little fucker.

Back on board we turned south towards Nassau, arriving there the next morning. Yeah, it was still raining but let's be honest; I'm sailing on a boat so I'm going to complain? I think not. Oh, and real quick, let me tell you about Douchebag Rob -- he was the resident "Shopping Consultant" on the ship. While we were en route to Nassau, he held a forty-five minute seminar on where to go shopping in Nassau, and how to safely go about doing so. It was your typical don't get taken in by the locals speech: don't take taxis, don't rent scooters, walk everywhere, oh and for any jewelry shopping go to Diamonds International, Diamonds International, Diamonds International. Did I forget to say that he mentioned Diamonds International? Diamonds International. And the best part about Diamonds International, was if you show up and hand them a coupon... presto you get a free $139 gold bracelet! Now right at that, my Bullshit Detector started going off. There are 2,000 people on this boat and there were three cruise ships in Nassau harbor. Just how the fuck is Diamonds International going to stay in business by giving away some 6,000 gold bracelets a week? Diamonds International. But I remained curious right up until Douchebag Rob's final bit of advice: if you're hungry the best place to eat is the Hard Rock Cafe. At that point, I snorted so loudly people looked from two rows over. I have eaten at a Hard Rock three times in my life: the first to try it out and see if it lived up to the hype, the second to see if my horrible first experience was a fluke, and the third because I lost a bet with God. Given my choice to eat at another Hard Rock or swallow my own semen, remind me to eat pineapple first.

Back to Nassau, the first thing we did after disembarking was to break Douchebag Rob's advice: we got a cab. The cabdriver's name was Irvin Taylor, and he was fucking awesome. He drove us all over the fucking island, showed us all the historical buildings, gave us a few short lessons on Bahamian culture, and told us a good place to eat lunch at. The Bohemians economy is pretty hard hit by our recession, since less money in our pockets means less money to spend on vacation, which is what they depend on. Each of the locals we talked to were very appreciative of our patronage. Anyway, Irvin dropped us off at our destination, the Atlantis resort, and we checked out the big ass aquarium they have on display and hit their casino -- Atlantis gives free drinks if you're gambling, unlike the casino onboard the boat. Although no, I didn't have the balls to play the $100 slot machine. Wined, womened and songed we departed for Seafood Haven, a little hole in the wall where the beer was cold and the food was hot. There were virtually no tourists and a lot of the locals, so we knew it was a good place to eat. Side note: Scorched Conch, which is pretty much conch, onions and lemon juice, is pretty damned good. Anyway, a delicious meal and a few local beers later, we made our way back to the ship, because as Douchebag Rob warned us, it's a two hour process to get through Bahamian customs and back to the ship. Oh and hey Paul, on the way back to the ship I snapped this picture for you, because I know you love Obama about as much as Jon Voight does.

And DOuchebag Rob was absolutely right regarding customs, presuming you're on Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan time, where hours equal minutes. Seriously. Through customs in about thirty seconds and once you're back onboard, you're onboard. So we wasted about two hours we could have been ashore. Thanks, Douchebag Rob! Oh, and for shits and grins we did stop at Diamonds International and indeed just as he said they do give you a free $139 gold bracelet just for showing them his little coupon. If by $139 you mean some busted ass made in China thing you can pick up at a carnival for sinking a ping-pong ball into a fish bowl kind of gold. I threw it in the harbor. Diamonds International.

But as we sat there for our final two hours in the Bahamas, the sun finally came out. if that's not funny, I don't know what is. And, we were docked next to Le Grand Bleu, the seventeenth largest private yacht in the world. And just for scale, see that tiny little tender on the starboard side of the yacht? Yeah, that's a 67' Sundancer. Cheers! Anyway, the return trip to the good ol US of A was pretty uneventful other than me having a snot load of booze. Oh, speaking of which. I was pretty impressed at the Duty Free shops. Two one-liter bottles of Bombay Saphire gin -- the 90 proof, not the 80 proof crap we get here -- was only $32. A liter of Stoli vodka? $10. Liter of Captain Morgan? $10. Absolut? $10. So needless to say my liquor cabinet has been restocked.

It was definitely a good time, and I'm looking forward to my next cruise almost as much as I'm looking forward to the new A-Team movie. In closing, I want you to consider something regarding the workers onboard these cruise ships. The closest you'll get to a person from an English speaking country is a few blokes from the UK. Virtually everyone else is from Indonesia, Peru, China, and a handful of other countries where the common worker doesn't have the same rights we do. And here's why. I got to talking with one of the Indonesian girls in the Viking Lounge and I asked her how many hours she works a day? "12-16, depending on how busy it is." Huh. And how many days a week do you work? "Seven." Seven, when's the last time you had a day off? "Last month when I scheduled some vacation." Wow. How much do you get paid? "We don't get a salary, we get our room and board only, and we work for tips." Try getting that past the United Auto Workers.

Hey Ernie, let me get the obligitory ass kissing done... "Great site", "I visit everyday", "Content is great", "Women are hot", etc. Seriously though I do visit everyday and as an avid bowler get a kick out of your stories at the lanes. Just thought I'd mention that "Taking Chance" is available to all your visitors who are on Netflix. It is currently getting 4.2 out of 5 stars. Day

Here is a list of the fifteen most disturbing movies ever made. Sure, Cannibal Holocaust sounds nasty, but I immediately claim shennanigans because there's no mention of Pink Flamingos. That one was for you, Lynn.

ride along in the back seat of blue angels #7 over the us naval academy.

ten cars that seem to last forever. surprise, no gm's make the list.

sunday, monday, happy days. tuesday, wednesday, happy days.

the most offensive shirt in the world - now available in NEGRO!

thirty-six upcoming sci-fi movie you might not know about.

fifteen common drinking myths debunked. stupid coffee.

June 9, 2009

Amen To That.

Sure, I take off for a few days and Britney decides to whip her tits out. Man, I really hope those nipple tattoos are fake, because I think tattooed tits are just trashy So, a Assuming her nipples haven't been turned into a graffiti covered monstrosity, I'd sure like to have sex with her. Her Britney, I think if we had sex there would be very minimal awkwardness afterwards, so give it some thought, okay? Neither of us wants to be typecast as a prude, right?

And no, I won't be posting David Carradine's hotel scene or autopsy photos, so don't ask. That's just a train wreck waiting to happen, so show a little respect.

Caught her cheating and traded all her furniture and her engagement ring for beer. Attached is a portion of the 700+ cans currently in my house. Chad.

Hey there, Love the site, I usually try to wait until I'm bored at work to check out the daily post to help pass the time, but with this crap going on I dont know how much longer I can do it. David.

Poor Chad. Just relax and you'll survive, dude. But seriously... Miller Lite? That shit will give you a massive hangover. Speaking of which, The Hangover came out this weekend (read some reviews!) and I'm excited that one of our favorite comedians is finally getting the exposure he deserves. If you've missed out on all the fuss so far, here are the ten funniest Zach Galifianakis videos. The fuzzy little guy sure is funny when he's angry.

Winged cats, angry sheep, and Bo Obama: the eight most terrifying animals of the week. I really thought that bighorn sheep was going to mangle the fuck out of that Toyota 4Runner.

piranha-3d is gonna be the greatest movie every fucking made.

despairwear: clothes make the man. these clothes make the man sad.

old and busted: the car repo man. the new 2009 hotness: the lear jet repo man.

awesome collection of dawn of the dead wallpapers. the original, not the shitty remake.

June 8, 2009

The Weekend Is Over So Wake The Fuck Up!

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on getting more efficiency out of women employees:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

Hey Ernie, As soon as I came across this website. I thought that it fits you and your site perfectly because I know you have posted a few times about the these pirates. The testimonials are classic! Kurt

Ernie, Don’t you hate it when some Dick Head gets arrested for DUI... thought you might find this humorous. Found it while searching through the local arrests on web. Great site and great entertainment, thanks for your time and efforts. Derrek

Because it's all fun and games until someone slides backwards into a tree and is nearly impaled on a ten foot long branch. How fucking lucky are these two assholes, eh?

fifty-one ways to tell if you're possessed by demons. i'll swallow your soul.

the torture photos everyone is an uproar about. also: one of the chicks has NICE TITS.

how to mix an exploding drink using frozen mentos. this is just awesome.

forty-one girls with freakishly long tongues. or forty-one girls i'd marry.

eighteenhow to cook eighteen delicious rodents for some snacky cakes..

June 6, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Cruise Ship Weekend Joke Here.

Yes, it's the weekend, but don't forget what today is. The Normandy Landings were the first operations of the Allied invasion of Normandy, also known as Operation Neptune and Operation Overlord, during World War II. The landings commenced on June 6, 1944 (D-Day), beginning at 6:30 British Double Summer Time (H-Hour). In planning, D-Day was the term used for the day of actual landing, which was dependent on final approval. The assault was conducted in two phases: an air assault landing of American, British and Canadian airborne troops shortly after midnight, and an amphibious landing of Allied infantry and armoured divisions on the coast of France commencing at 6:30. The invasion required the transport of soldiers and materiel from the United Kingdom by troop carrying aircraft and ships, the assault landings, air support, naval interdiction of the English Channel and naval fire-support. There were also subsidiary 'attacks' mounted under the codenames Operation Glimmer and Operation Taxable to distract the Kriegsmarine and the German army from the real landing areas. The operation was the largest single-day amphibious invasion of all time, with 160,000 troops landing on June 6, 1944. 195,700 Allied naval and merchant navy personnel in over 5,000 ships were involved. The landings took place along a 50-mile (80 km) stretch of the Normandy coast divided into five sectors: Utah, Omaha, Gold, Juno and Sword. [READ MORE]

Heinrich Severloh (23 June 1923 – 14 January 2006) was a soldier in the German 352nd Infantry Division, which was stationed in Normandy in 1944. He has been referred to as the “Beast of Omaha Beach” by the media of English speaking countries. He rose to notoriety as a gunner in a machine gun emplacement known as “Widerstandsnest 62”, whose position enabled him to inflict 1500-2000 casualties while American soldiers were landing on Omaha Beach as part of Operation Overlord. No hard feelings, Heinrich. [READ MORE]


britney's body is always hit or miss. luckily, today seems to be one of those hit days.

six most terrifying medical malpractice cases ever. one involves "sorry" and "penis".

the ten greatest stand-up comedy bits about sex. with richord pryor goodness.

how to clean a chicken. the words are french but the butchery is universal.

a fucking list of fucking films that most frequently use the word "fuck".

famous movie scenes drawn with stickmen. can you guess them?

June 5, 2009

But Pai Mei Was... Inconsolable.

David Carradine is the eldest son of legendary character actor John Carradine and presided over an acting family that includes brothers Keith Carradine, Robert Carradine and Michael Bowen as well as his daughters Calista Carradine, Kansas Carradine and nieces Ever Carradine and Martha Plimpton. He was born in Hollywood but he was brought up all over the country, mostly by boarding school teachers and reform school wardens. Educated at San Francisco State College, he studied music theory and composition. It was while writing music for the Drama Department's annual revues that he discovered his own passion for the stage, joining a Shakespearean repertory company and learning his craft on his feet. He recently returned to the screen in what could be his greatest performance to date, playing the title role in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill: Vol. 1 and Vol. 2, for which he received his fourth Golden Globe nomination. Carradine has also continued his devotion to music, and has recorded some sixty tracks from various musical genres and sung in several movies. He made his home in Los Angeles with his fifth wife Annie, her four children and their two dogs. To date, he is the only actor who has appeared in films directed by Martin Scorsese, Ingmar Bergman and Quentin Tarantino. Tarrantino had originally envisioned the character "Bill" in the "Kill Bill" films as a suave "James Bond-type" man and had first approached Warren Beatty for the role. Beatty turned it down and suggested that Quentin get David for the role. Reflecting on his lengthy acting career, David was quoted as saying, "It's always seemed to me like a mission. A holy one, like the Blues Brothers. It's a marathon. You can't quit; even coming in dead last has honor. Quitting doesn't. Look, I had absolute faith in my future when I was starving in New York and no one believed in me besides me and my girlfriend. I'd be stupid to lose that faith after I've become a fucking icon. Oh, yes. And I love the work." And now David will forever be remembered as the guy who died with a rope tied around his crank. So long, young Grasshopper, we barely knew ye.

Hello Ernie, Long time your site.... My brother talk to me about a book he received as a gift... I was curious about it and do some research and.... holy shit, look what I found... All these book are available on Amazon. Thanks and keep the good work! André, Québec

One of my favorite cars burns to the ground for a total loss - this is just sooo fucked up. Scott

Ok, Gary Thomas is a retard for putting all his eggs in the GM basket, but shit, the guy drives a Dodge? How committed can he be?

So Conan O'brien is obviously moving on up on the television world, after having taken over The Tonight Show for Jay Leno. But as big as his britches may be getting, there's always someone a notch higher. Or in this case, eighteen people with better Lakers seats than O'brien.

So when someone compiled the list of the sexiest women on Capital Hill, my only though was MARCIA FUDGE?! WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY SMOKING? Somebody better get me a beer.

the schmidt sting pain index: how much could you take?

the women of old school star trek. well, kinda women anyway.

via nasa: the ozone layer if cfcs hadn't been banned. we'd all be cooked.

cool exercise ball trick - lifting weights while balancing on an exercise ball.

free floating cyst in anterior chamber after cataract surgery. HEEBIE JEEBIE ALERT.

stephen king writes his new book on super hot israeli bar rafaeli's (mostly naked) body.

clips from a british sop opera - blah-blah-blah, fuck the words, LOOK AT THE CLEAVAGE, man!

flattery will get you everywhere: baby, if you showed up on a porn site, i would definitely click through.

June 4, 2009

I Hereby Title Today's Post: Neat Shit.

Tetris is a puzzle video game originally designed and programmed by Alexey Pajitnov. It was released on June 6, 1984, while he was working for the Dorodnicyn Computing Centre of the Academy of Science of the USSR in Moscow. He derived its name from the Greek numerical prefix "tetra-" as all of the game's pieces (known as Tetrominoes) contain four segments, and tennis, Pajitnov's favorite sport. Although the first version of Tetris - built on an Elektronika 60 computer - is now 25 years old, it is still recognizable as the game millions still play today. There are also several variations on the original theme -- my personal favorite being 99 Bricks -- which always result in the same ending: me pounding on my keyboard and shouting, "COCKSUCKER, AND I WAS DOING SO WELL."

David Américo Ortiz Arias is a Major League Baseball designated hitter who has played for the Boston Red Sox since 2003. Nicknamed "Big Papi," Ortiz is a five-time All-Star and holds the Red Sox single-season record for home runs with 54, set during the 2006 season. "Big Papi" is 6'4" and weighs 230 pounds. In the academy award-winning classic Cocktail, Coughlin tells young Flanagan, "Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end." It's the single greatest yearbook quote ever. Hell, it may be the greatest movie quote ever. Either Coughlin was the Thoreau of bartending, or Thoreau the Coughlin of writing. One or the other. We reached the "ending badly" point with David Ortiz five weeks ago. Remember in Superman II when Clark Kent gave up his superpowers so he could be with Lois Lane -- lesson No. 184 on how women ruin everything -- and then a bully beat the crap out of the suddenly mortal superhero in a diner? That's been Big Papi since Opening Day. But this guy has got a pretty good theory on the real reasons behind Big Papi's collages, and no, it's not steroids. But no matter what, as a member of the 2004 World Series champion Red Sox team, Ortiz will always have a warm place in my heart. As will the entire team; except you Johnny Damon, you motherfucking traitor.

Ernie: Thought you might get a kick out of our latest: The Alli Experiment. The first diet drug to work by making you crap your pants (warning: contains photos). Keep up the fine site! John

In a world-first breakthrough, UNSW medical researchers have used stem cells cultured on a simple contact lens to restore sight to sufferers of blinding corneal disease.

Artist Elliot Burford has taken it one step further and created a series of literal and totally SFW drawings of spam mail, specifically the kind trying to entice you to "make certain parts of your body" a little bigger.

Leslie Nielsen was raised in Tulita, Northwest Territories of Canada. His father was a mountie and a strict disciplinarian. His acting career started at a much earlier age when he was forced to lie to his father in order to avoid severe punishment. At age 17 1/2 enlisted in the Royal Canadian AirForce and trained as an aerial gunner before studying at the Academy of Radio Arts in Toronto before moving on to New York's Neighborhood Playhouse. Leslie has starred in over fifty movies and many more TV films, of course the most notable being the Naked Gun franchise with OJ Simpson. But did you know he was considered for the role of Jack in The Shining? Somehow I don't think he could have saved that piece of shit, either.

Hi Ernie, I know of your love of soldiers and dogs. This is a story of a fallen warrior and the dog he loved. Thought you might like to read it. If you're not at least a little choked up, you are not the Ernie I know and love. I smile. Ron W. A big fan in Bradenton FL.

A very lucky (and very relaxed) cat fell off a balcony twenty six motherfucking stories up -- and walking away with nothing more than a few scratches. The cat was later quoted as saying, "Let's see your fucking dog do that."

And finally, former Playboy Playmate Irina Voronina has accused actors Adrien Grenier and Jeremy Piven, stars of HBO’s Entourage, of sexually harassing her and an unnamed co-star when the group shot the show’s title sequence in a limo in Hollywood. Voronina claims Grenier and Piven (a notorious douchebag), "made suggestive remarks to her and her pal, and then turned nasty when their approaches were rejected." Hey Irina, I don't want to get all judgemental here, but YOU LET PEOPLE TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR PUSSY FOR A LIVING, so I think the occasional unwanted pass is probably going to come with the territoty.

take this grasshopper from my hand. so long david carradine, we hardly knew ye.

thank god - four light alternatives to that big bloated piece of shit known as adobe reader.

six tiny nations that kicked ass and chewed bubblegum. and they're all out of bubblegum.

listen, just because you can tear a phonebook in half...

think you know movies? identify these movie senes from the last ten years.

time for seepy-seepy, or wakey-wakey? a real-time interactive daylight map.

toonopedia - a vast repository of toonological knowledge.

June 3, 2009

May I Have Your Attention, Please.

This radar station is so remote that it sees no sunlight for four months of the year. It is also so powerful it could spot a tennis ball in flight 3,000 miles away. Gordon Corera visits America's controversial missile defence system in northern Greenland, where the Cold War never ended.

For Improv Anywhere's atest mission, they picked a random couple getting married at the City Clerk’s Office in Manhattan and threw them a surprise wedding reception. The couple was treated to dancing, toasts, cake, and gifts, all with complete strangers. Enjoy the video first and then check out the mission report and photos. Complete with the Electric Slide. Boogie-woogie-woogie.

Remember the pictures of the book titled, "How To Live With A Huge Penis". Well here are the funniest reviews of said book.

People from around the U.S. share their stories about what General Motors has meant to their lives, and the impact of the auto maker’s collapse. Besides you know, unemployment, homelessness and depression. Someone should have told Gary Thomas about that don't put all your eggs in one basket thing.

Visited a science museum with the kids over the weekend. Thought this description of one of the elements in the periodic table fit its namesake pretty well, too. Regards, Todd

I took this picture at my local Wild Wings restaurant here in Canada. Eric

Fifteen of the greatest sports cheats of all time. Sixteen if you count the guy who tried to sneak twenty-nine pins past us last Friday after he stepped about two feet over the foul line and then hoped we didn't notice. Man that really burns me up.

Guys, my advice is to send this car to your girlfriend, reminding her that blowjobs are like flowers for men.

Hey hillbillies, if you think 200 mph in a fenced circle is living on the edge... try hauling ass in a souped-up Subaru at 120 mph on a tree-lined backroad! When was the last time Jimmie Johnson wrecked and almost got impaled in the face with a tree? The answer was never! We've been recently converted to Rally Car "fans" and have come up with the five ways that Rally Racing is better than NASCAR.

From a friend in Tucson: Background: My brother, Daniel, was visiting a friend in Montana and touring through Glacier National Park . They were hiking up a CLOSED ROAD when they came upon this scene. It is evident that the mountain lion and bighorn sheep were fighting on the mountain and fell to their immediate death sometime during the struggle. Pay special attention to the mouth of the mountain lion..... as it still has sheep hide in its mouth! Tyson.

Some muppets should have freaked us out as children - now I remember Professor Bunsen and Beaker, but who the fuck is Crazy Harry? Did I miss those episodes, or what?

I don't know what's freakier about this 911 tape... the fact that you can hear the guy shooting his girlfriend in the background, or that he's laughing/crying hysterically while he does it. Somebody's got a screw loose.

top tv one liners: NO SOUP FOR YOU!

how to pick a pet tarantula. i just shat myself.

a short time from now, in a galaxy far, far away... HOTH 2014.

how'd you like to pay $0.75 for gasoline and stick it to OPEC at the same time?

want some advance warning on the next school shooting? look no further.

because old school ascii art never goes out of style.

June 2, 2009

Hee-Hee? Haa-Haa? Yeah, Not So Much.

Without going off on a Will Ferrell rant -- I find movies that cast him as a supporting actor are hysterical, yet movies that cast him in the lead role are excruciatingly difficult to watch -- here are two actor/comedians that I simply can't stand.

The first is Sasha Cohen, or as many of you know him, Borat. He's just not funny. And I can't understand why anyone would find two hours worth of watching him fake bad English, as entertaining. It's not. It's not entertaining and it's not funny. He's not funny. Even his second big movie, Bruno; more of the same dull-witted shit. For Christ's, that's why episodes of Eastbound and Down are only forty-five minutes long and they mix in a bunch of different characters. Because nobody wants to see the same lame ass jokes rehashed for the better part of an hour. But having said that, the stunt that Cohen pulled on Eminem at the MTV awards was quite priceless. I give the douchebag props for that.

And the second is Seth Green. Again, another guy who tries to be funny -- as the voice of Chris from Family Guy, in the Austin Powers franchise, and a handful of other box office abortions that always manage to do well -- but he doesn't make me laugh. He's just not funny. Christ, Mila Kunis is funnier than Seth Green is, and she doesn't even try to be. Green, like Will Ferrel, does much better sitting in the producer's chair than he does in front of the camera. Robot Chicken is proof of that; nearly everything that comes out of that studio is just fucking priceless and Robot Chicken makes killing G.I. Joes funny again.

Yet somehow these guys just continue to get richer and richer while the rest of us crash and burn. We need another Bernie Madoff. Oh, and here's a repost by request: the Japanese gameshow where the goal is not to ram your face into a girl's tits. Hint: I'd lose on purpose. And now with business out of the way, we party. BITCHES, COME!

top ten celebs with deformities, with megan fox.

geography of job losses. you will say "HOLY SHIT" by the very end.

millvina dean, the last titanic surviror has died. here's some titanic trivia.

ten common phenomena explained, including the sleppy wakey up jerky thing.

jay leno and the tonight show bloopers from the past seventeen years. so long jay.

lawrence fishborne plays a good terrorist and ryan philippe won't be playing piano anymore.

June 1, 2009

Huh, Looks Like Air France Surrendered To The Start of Hurricane Season.

I know, I start the day right off with a Frog remark; not very tasteful, eh? But like I always say, "If it's not Boeing, I'm not going."

These incredible images of waves were taken by the #1 photographer of surf: Clark Little. He has dedicated his life to photographing the waves and has published a selection of the best images of his career. He captures magical moments inside the tube, as surfers call it.

Recently laid off? My advice would be to send this e-card to your (former) boss. That's right, fuck you Mike Haley.

Ernie, saw your picture of the tonka truck tied down to the big rig and thought, "hey, that looks like my picture." But it wasn't, exactly. These are a couple of pics I took on the road trip from Quantico to Dallas when I was discharged from the Corps. Must be a trucker thing, like when they've got an empty haul or something. Matt

I was at a Swap meet in Ventura, CA and saw this box full of nutsacks. DaveB

Long time lurker, first time e-mailer. Bout’ time I contribute something, I guess. Anyway, the attached screenshot comes from one of the many glorious nudie sites you follow every post with. Thought the overlaid advertisement was rather ironical. Keep up the good work. Jon

These videos explain why Kirk can't keep redshirts or women around for very long.

Boobs can either a) help you get a job/promoted or b) make the workplace more tolerable for the rest of us. Boobs are often successfully used in place of a coherent plot or acting in movies to create a great film. The power of boobs should not be underestimated.

Ernie, Saw this out it traffic today. I liked it and thought you and the rest of your readers would too. Enjoy! Travis

Ernie, love the site. As a pet aficionado, I thought you could appreciate my story. My wife & I have three long-haired dachshunds. I named the first one we brought home "Sausage," because hey, he's a wiener dog, and being a white guy who can say he has a 16 pound black sausage is just funny. Anyway, about 3 weeks ago, he quit using his hind legs. Dachshunds are genetically pre-disposed to having back problems, so we took him to the closest emergency vet (75 miles away) and after removing two ruptured spinal disks and a $5500 vet bill, he's back home. Now we have a "wienermobile" to keep him active. He still isn't using his legs yet, but the road to recovery is long (like my wiener). Here's a couple pictures of the little guy. Dave

And the final winner on Cargo Bridge is Jack with 21,455. I was going to make the next game challenge Mini M, but since they provide a walk-through witht he game, that spoils that. So stay tuned.

tub-o-war of the century: a 14,132 lb gas chevy dumptruck versus a 17,500 lb diesel school bus.

dude, you're tweeting too hard - where self-important tweets get the recognition they deserve.

six movies with far more depressing alternate endings, including army of darkness.

this neck lesion is one of the nastiest things i've ever seen. not safe for lunch.

husband wants a rusty trombone for his birthday - CAN ANYONE HELP?!

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