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November 30, 2009

Is It Me, Or Is This Year Just Flying By?

I swear to God it was two weeks ago and I was standing in the post office, two minutes before the stroke of midnight on April 15th. And then the next thing I knew... poof... I'm wiping turkey gravy off my shirt and elbowing my way through Christmas shoppers at 3am. it's like time in our universe is speeding up or something. Where the fuck did 2009 go?

You know what's been making me laugh for the past few days? This Tiger Woods crash thing, and how three times now Tiger has cancelled his "interview" with Florida State Police to give his side of the story. And I laugh because, no shit he's not talking to you! Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, why in the hell would he? If we've learned nothing by watching episodes of NYPD Blue and The Shield and The Closer, it's this: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. And Tiger is doing exactly that. Good for him.

Consider this. Since there were no significant injuries, if this crash happened to you or I, our next biggest worry (after avoiding potential arrest) would be how in the fuck we're going to pay for our busted ass Cadillac Escalade. And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Tiger's ride wasn't the Jew model; he was probably rolling in the most expensive model Cadillac has to offer. And let's be honest, he probably didn't even pay for it, it was probably given to him as part of a photo op. But for the sake of argument, let's assume Tiger forked over full window sticker, which is $87,725. Furthermore, we'll assume the Cadillac was completely destroyed beyond repair. So now Tiger has to go out and buy himself a new Caddy -- how much is this going to weigh on Tiger's mind? Let's take a look: well on his way to being the first athlete to earn ONE BILLION DOLLARS, Tiger is reported to have earned some $127,902,706 dollars in 2008. That's $14,600 dollars per hour, every hour. Even while he's sleeping. At $243 per minute, he's earned well over $1,000 just by reading this far in today's post. Now hold that income up against the median US household income of $50,233 and comparatively speaking, Tiger going out and buying a brand new top of the line Escalade would be like you or me forking over $34.45. Think about that. Two $20 bills and you'd get change back. For a new Cadillac. Thirty-four dollars. Which he can earn back during an afternoon nap. And that one year's salary of $127,902,706, sitting in the bank at a measley 5%, earns him $6,395,135 a year in interest. That means he can afford to crash his Escalade every five days without ever having to lift a finger to replace it.

So yeah. He wasn't hurt, the cost of replacing his Escalade is a joke... Tiger Woods has got absolutely nothing to gain and everything to lose by talking to the cops. So as far as anyone knows, he was distracted by a UFO sighting and the only way the cops will be able to prove otherwise is if he opens his fucking piehole. I think the only thing he's got to worry about now is his wife opening her yap if she gets pissy again. But you're doing the right thing, Tiger: keep your fucking mouth closed. Besides, we all know black people like to say motherfucker and you're not allowed to say fuck on live television, even if all you want to do is just win the motherfucking game.

Ernie, Love the site. My brother and I have enjoyed it for years. A couple of weeks we bought a school bus to turn into an RV. When it was de-comissioned they painted it black over the district name. When we were scraping the sticker lettering off so we can sand it down we started to laugh. We had gotten "school" and part of "county" off when we discovered what we spelled. If you like it feel free to use it and post at will. Steve

Since I've packed on ten of the twenty-one pounds I lost this time last year, here's an article titled, "Supermarket strategies for the holiday season" or as I like to call it, "Holy shit, I might even start to read the ingredients from now on."


I'm sitting in front of my computer crying like a little girl. I'm now 43 and have two young girls ages 8 and 9, and a beautiful wife. I was in the army and can vividly recall a cold, rainy Thanksgiving Day away from my family in 1985. I telephoned grandma's house and the entire family was there except me. I could hear everyone laughing, singing, carrying on together, and I tried to keep it together. I really hadn't known a Thanksgiving away from my family before this. I can't tell you how hard it was to try and choke back the tears welling up inside of me, but I also realized that it was because of service men and women like myself, making this sort of simple sacrifice, was what made it possible for everyone else to celebrate with their families. I figured it was "my turn in the barrel". Hell, there wasn't even a war or anything going on, I was just away from home and missed my family - it was as simple as that.

I woke up this morning thinking of that day once again. Only this time, I woke up in a nice warm bed, holding my wife, a roof over my head, food in the refrigerator, two children who adore me, and with plans to see my family this year. I really do appreciate everything I have and have worked for, then I read the email from Cindy L. this morning and the water works start flowing. I try to explain to my 9-year-old why this is important and brings out so much emotion in me, and as much as she's freaked out by me crying, I am glad that she enjoys the freedom to not have to endure anything worse in life than trying to decide what to wear, or what toy she might like for Christmas. Anyway, I just sent $50 to LBEH, and I'm still drying my tears thinking about how I might be able to do a small part in order to get someone else who misses their family home for the holidays. I realize 50 bucks isn't a lot, but lots of small stuff adds up. I know your heart is in the right place, and you'll make sure this money gets where it can be put to best use.

Stay safe, God bless our troops,

John T. - Round Lake, IL

A friendly barbeque turns dangerous when everyone forgets to bring meat. And in case you can't place the father-in-law, that's Richard Riehle, aka the Jump to Conclusions guy from Office Space.

twenty-four prostitutes on google street view. welcome to the neighborhood, friend!

and you thought your wife had a big pussy? let's watch an elephant birth.

college student gets three tickets for driving... a shopping cart.

some shocking material cut from sarah palin's book.

November 28, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

can you name the most commonly used words in the english language?

the single hottest cheerleader from every nba team for 2009-2010.

interview with businesswoman and uber-hottie model estelle reyna.

the ultimate movie countdown - 100 movies, 100 quotes, 100 numbers.

November 27, 2009

Anyone Else Feel Like This?

I saw a billboard that read: "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787" So out of curiosity I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

So this guy goes into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants. The hooker almost faints, the guy has a 18 inch cock. She says," Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you're not sticking that in me." The man pulls up his pants and picks up his $50 and says, " Screw that, I can do that myself !"

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Vinnie and Hank are drinking, when Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank's beard. Vinnie says, "Your face feels just like my wife's pussy." Hank strokes it himself and says, "You're right."

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you fucking cunt!"

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they wont take it up the ass cause it 'hurts'.

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"

I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

the great malt liquor taste test.

the one-hundred coolest science videos on youtube.

the sacramento bee's pictorial on royal carribean's oasis of the seas.

remember the myth of boxing kangaroos? i guess it turns out it's not just a myth!

revisiting that turkey sandwich in your mouth, remember that more muscle = more sex. part ii.

November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving! Gobble. Gobble.

Priscilla Ford had a long history of psychiatric problems and bizarre behavior, marked by such quixotic acts as suing the Mormon Church and attempting to speak at the 1972 Republican Convention. The capper came on the Thanksgiving afternoon when she got even with the City of Reno. In front of the downtown casinos, she steered her black 1974 Lincoln onto a crowded sidewalk and mowed down the crowds of holiday gamblers and gambolers. She left six dead and 23 injured in her wake. Pulled over a few blocks later, she told police, "Sometimes I am called Jesus Christ." She later expressed a fervent hope that she'd nailed 75 people, and explained the voice of Joan (Mrs. Edward) Kennedy had told her to do it. Nonetheless, she was found legally sane and duly convicted of murder.

At 35, failed preacher William Simmons had found his true calling as a fraternal lodge leader. In addition to commanding five regiments of the Woodmen, he was a heavy in several Masonic orders and a Knight Templar. But his dream was to have his own personal fraternal organization. And he wanted more than funny hats and secret handshakes — he wanted to revive the Ku Klux Klan. His dream came to fruition Thanksgiving Eve when 40 handpicked men gathered to re-launch the Klan. A group of 15 stalwarts recessed to the top of nearby Stone Mountain for an early morning cross-burning. Simmons tied his first recruitment drive in with D.W. Griffith's famous film The Birth of a Nation, which opened in Atlanta the following week. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Back in the good old days of Thanksgiving Day football, the hearts and minds of Bay Area football fans were not on dinner, but the day's "Big Game" between the University of California and Stanford. The 1900 edition of this classic was, of course, sold out. The roofs of the buildings surrounding the stadium were crowded with budget-minded fans craning for a glimpse of the action. Twenty minutes into the game, the roof of one building collapsed. Unfortunately, the building housed a glass factory, complete with a red-hot furnace filled with molten glass. Turkeys weren't the only things getting roasted in San Francisco that day. Twenty-two people were killed and over 80 injured in what remains the worst — and most bizarre — disaster ever to befall American sports fans.

Early on Thanksgiving morning, Marxist Zimbabwean rebels descended on two farms run by white Pentecostal missionaries. What they lacked in Thanksgiving spirit they made up for in their revolutionary zeal. First they tied up the 16 white missionaries — men, women, and children, including two Americans. Then, as they gleefully sang revolutionary songs, they hacked their captives to death. Officials could only describe the resulting carnage as "barbaric."

At the height of the Argentinean urban terrorist fad, a band of 15 young men waylaid John Swint, the general manager of a local Ford subsidiary, on Thanksgiving Day. The Peronist gunmen, upset with the way President Juan Peron had turned on them, later claimed they'd only wanted to kidnap the American executive. But according to witnesses, it was a turkey-shoot from the get-go. The gunmen immediately started blasting away with shotguns and assault rifles, killing Swint's bodyguard and chauffeur and critically injuring another bodyguard. One blond gunner unloaded a quick machine gun blast into Swint's body at close range — just to be sure.

All five awful stories culled from 10 Zen Monkeys. But wait, before you go back for a second helping of that turkey, I need a volunteer...


God bless you and all you do!! I have a wonderful son who is in the Marines, stationed right now at Twenty Nine Palms, CA. We were trying to get him home for Thanksgiving but the airfares were running $1000-$1200 for the flight, even with 3 connections and layovers. The same flight during non holiday runs $266. This has made it impossible for him to come home, and his CO was asking him about his holiday plans, she disclosed this website and what you do, to my son. I have checked a few times this week, we know he won't be able to come home for Thanksgiving but we were hoping to see him on Christmas weekend. I have checked flights from CA to where we live, Northern Michigan and they are already running $800-$900. I have been a single mom since 1994 of five wonderful children, so 'set aside money' just does not exist. I was wondering if you were going to reopen requests for Christmas or is it closed for this year? Myself, his brothers and sister would really love to see him on one of the holidays, especially with base rumors of deployment of his platoon by March 1st. He just got PFC so his funds are not easily obtained. I was wondering if you could let me know if this list may still be a possibility or not? And if so, when should I check to see or should I just look everyday? I appreciate your time in reading this and letting me know. Again, Sir, God bless you and thank you for all the good times, memories and love you have brought to so many.

With all my respect,
Cindy L.
Proud Marine Mom!

I need a volunteer to write to Cindy and explain to her that we won't be able to bring her son home for Christmas, because we haven't received enough donations. I need a volunteer to write to Cindy and explain that buying that $6 Starbucks coffee and buying a copy of Modern Warfare 2 was more important that her having her entire family under one roof this Christmas. Seriously, look around the room; look at your mothers and fathers and sons and nieces and sisters, and draft me up an email to send to Cindy.

Finding it tough to find the right words? Me, too. So if you haven't already, perhaps maybe it's time you parted with a few bucks to help Let's Bring Em Home this year, eh?

thanksgiving feast of the damned: recipes from your favorite brands.

american history is brought to life by children in this true-to-life reenactment of the first thanksgiving.

before you're done slamming that leftover turkey in your mouth, remember that more muscle = more sex.

November 25, 2009

It's The Most Important Meal Of The Day.

An Alabama couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Husband says, "Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister."

An astronomer is on an expedition to darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when cannibals capture him. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a "GOD" and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him. The guard's answered, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal." "Great," the astronomer replies. The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so fucking excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

Q. What do you call a white man surrounded by Indians? A. Bartender.

My wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else. She said she wanted to come back as a pig. I said, "You're not listening."

Here's a nice Internet Explorer vs Firefox (or Chrome) example. A site called Findmebyip is designed to tell you your browser, its features, your ip address and try to find your ballpark location (usually to within a few miles of your actual location). Pay specific attention to the 'Modernizer Support' section and see how many features are supported by Firefox and not Explorer.

I was walking through the cemetery the other day, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. "Morning," I said. "No, just taking a shit."

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 18, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. I just want a girl with big tits.

Q. What's black and blue and doesn't like sex? A. The little boy in my basement.

"I bought a racehorse today." "Oh, really? What is the horse's name, gender, timing, and what are you going to do with him? "I've decided to call him 'My Face.' He is male, runs a mile in just under a minute. I don't care if he doesn't win a race or if he makes me any money." "Then why'nthehell did ya buy him? I just want to hear thousands of those uppity posh bitches at the race course shouting: 'Come on, My Face!' GOD I'd love to hear that!"

If I weren't so afraid of the snow I guess I whould have been an athlete. And I would have too, if I wasn't so worried about unsportsmanlike conduct.

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me." "And you're asking my permission to marry her?" "No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."

Q. What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock? A. You can't fuck a rock.

Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed, "I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his." Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers." "I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm pissing on three of them."

a zombie miscarriage

the most expensive movies ever made.

65% think black people are bad. now that's just racist.

alli from uc berkeley gets wet and wild in her campus cuties photo shoot.

here's the modern warfare 2 rick roll video that keeps getting pulled from youtube.

November 24, 2009

No, You May Not have My Last Beer.

Well, Thanksgiving is right around the corner, eh? I'm looking forward to stuffing my fucking face with as much tueksy as I can without making an ass out of myself. Are you feeling lucky? Lucky enough to eat some Squirrel A'la Goodyear? And just in case you thought that video was bullshit, like I did. Turn out nope, it's for real. I guess people resorting to that sort of shit happens every day, but Jesus some things are best left untold, eh?

Hey remember that mind fuck of a movie called The Desecent where a bunch of chicks go cave diving and get lost (of course)? Remember the ending where the lone surviving chick escapes from the cave, but then it turns out she didn't really escape after all? Yeah, it turns out there's a sequel, and of course it looks like nobody had the foresight to bring a fucking gun. Thus I predict this expedition will end in failure much like the first one did. No word on if the Blu-Ray will have any extended scenes like they did with Frank Miller's 300.

Heya Ernie; A story about Great Customer Service from Asus Canada that I figured I would share with you and maybe all the othe readers. I have an Asus G50V gaming notebook and recently came up to the 11th month of owning it. Well I started to have some graphics problems in game as well as some heating issues on the left side of the machine where the air vent is located and contacted Asus. They had me run a few things on the machine to see if it would help, turns out that it was a parts problem with the dedicated video card in the machine and that I would need to send it in. So Asus arranged to have Fedex come and pick up my machine on a Monday morning at no cost to me. I then had the laptop back by Thursday at 1pm working as it did the day I got it home. This I must say dumbfunded me as I was expecting the machine to be gone for a week minimum. I must say that this type of customer service goes a long way. On top of that Asus offers 2 year global warranty on all models of laptops, this includes accidental spill damage. This was part of the purchase and not an addon warranty. This is what makes a company better then the rest, going the distance for the customer. Regards, Fizbanic. PS, I really miss the mini dowload programs, especially the one where you get to torture the Happy face as well as yoda doing the sheep.

Yeah the little .EXE files have gone the way of the dodo bird, sorry. Between company firewalls preventing their download and most email systems blocking any type of an executable as malicious, it's not worth keeping them up anymore. Good times, man, good times. Oh and we now have fifteen contestants in the Best Tits contest. Only five more free OhmiBods to go and then we close it off for voting.

Christina Lindley is a 5-9 "dirty blonde" with green eyes, as her resume states, who was competing in beauty pageants while still in high school. Although she was athletic and involved with sports, it wasn’t until after high school that Christina really began to get into fitness. Upon joining Gold’s Gym in Nashville, Christina claims her life changed. She got herself into the best shape of her life and became a certified personal trainer. No word on if she changed her name prior to making her workout videos.

class 3 zombie outbreak simulator. crank up the % of armed citizens and watch what happens.

super glue iphone prank - 2009 wired store nyc (shot on an iphone and owle bubo).

feast of the damned: thanksgivings from around the world.

November 23, 2009

A Tasteless Thanksgiving, Revisited.

Yes Okay, so we're off to dinner at the SR's uncle's house today. Family dinner with all of the folks in attendance, especially her fuckin' parents. Go knows I can't stand them any more than they can stand me, Christian Coalition assholes. This whole tribe disowned her and hated my guts until our son, now age three was born. Now they've patched things with her and they tolerate me so as to assure access to their grandson. The hostess of today's turkey flesh grabfest requested that for our contribution to the meal, I should prepare the homemade cranberry sauce. Okay, so I have in the fridge, ready to go, a culinary masterpiece. My tribute to the bog berry includes a 6 ounce bottle of syrup of ipecac, lovingly stirred in to the berries as they cooled. My father in law loves cranberries, so do his brothers in law. The SR and my son don't like 'em so no problem there. 'Can't wait for the festivities to start. Somehow I actually look forward to going this year. Color commentary later tonight. If it works out with the video camera, I may have some vidcaps to share...

...time lapse 8 hours...

Yes An update to my earlier post regarding the syrup of ipecac enhanced cranberry sauce I took to thanksgiving dinner with the wife's family. Geez! Why didn't I think of this sooner? Five guests partook of the special cranberries. Three purged within 15 minutes, a fourth soon thereafter, and idiot Uncle Phil with the intestinal fortitude one would expect of a lower life form registered no effect at all.

The first to puke up the mix was my wife's cousin, twenty-six year old Angie. Drop dead gorgeous young thing. She began salivating it seems for a few minutes, dabbing at her mouth with a napkin. She gave off 2 short heaves lightly pitching at the shoulders. The next thing to happen was a noise something along the order of a stifled hiccup as her hand went to her mouth. Trying to push back her chair, head tilted slightly back, a smooth flowing stream of the recently chewed meal flowed from under her hand dropping into her cleavage as it rolled off her chin. A slight gagging cough as she stood placed a blob of gelatinous goo onto her plate bearing the distinctive color of the cranberry assassin. A wad of what appeared to be stuffing plopped in the liquid and began a slow drooping sag as it blended into the other contents of the plate.

This precipitated the response from victim number two - James, the eight year old product of my wife's first marriage who resides with his maternal grandparents. He's a bit of a sissified twerp, very squeamish and the sight of flying hurl made him go 'Ooh! Ooh!' then UHH_HEEEH! as a cheek-bulging load of puke tried to fight it's way past his lips. I'll give the kid points for heart, he tried to hold it. But when the runny brown gravy liquid started to trickle out of his nose the load in his mouth expelled onto his plate. He leaned forward as another stomach convulsion hit and just lightly bobbed his face in his plate from the recoil of his gag reflex. He came up wailing with the acid taste of puke in his mouth and the sting of the slime trailing out both sides of his nose, tears in his eyes and started hollering for Granpappy.

Granpappy got up from the other table and came to guide young goofy step-son to the bathroom. Cuz Angie was in the first bathroom being assisted by her husband so James and Granpappy had to make the long haul to the other bathroom downstairs. There was few minute lull and I got to savor the success of the moment. All conversation ceased except for some quiet inquiry and speculation about what on earth could be doing this. There was sort of a collective shock and psychic trauma in the air. This was pure bliss, absolutely intoxicating to behold. Ahhh, the years I've waited for this moment of payback. My wife asked what I was smiling about. Sorry says I, just kinda taken aback by the sudden bout of illness everyone seems to be suffering. Yep honey! Just abso-fucking-lutely enchanted! The thought was driven away by the sound of rapid footsteps coming up the basement stairs.

Here comes Granpappy! ... There goes Granpappy!

Right out the side door heading for the exit from the garage! He didn't make it, and the fresh wax job on Uncle Wayne's mini-van got spoiled in the bargain. I leaned over looking out into the garage and there was Granpappy holding himself up with one arm against the side of Wayne's van going through the most impressive round of tuberculoid coughing, gagging and spitting while trails of lumpy textured mess dripped off the rocker panels of the van. Pure delight! Glad to see you in such a state of affairs Paps!

Lessee hear... It was your money that paid for the attorney fees during the child custody hearings wasn't it? made my life hell for almost two fucking years..... Have a GREAT fucking day you prick 'cause I sure am. BUWAHHAHAAAA!!!! So good to see one of such pious self righteousness reduced to his more basic elements just for consuming a few mouthfuls of cranberry sauce. The old prick combs his hair with buttered toast, white trash hillbilly style and that one strand in front had fallen and was poking him in the eye as he tried to get his breath back. Lookin' good! By now there wasn't a single bite being consumed by anyone except me. I was casually munching on a carrot stick taking in the world of wonder unfolding before my eyes. The hot, acid like stench of vomit was pretty strong and the kitchen and dining room were starting to clear out. My wife asked how in the hell I could continue to eat after what had just happened. I responded that it wasn't a problem since I wasn't eating puke. That did It! the next thing I heard was Granpappy's 86 year old mother seated behind me go "OH! Sweet merciful Jesus! Help me" I missed seeing her toss but there she was in all her glory, soaked from chin to mid-thigh with vomit, a bubble expanding from her left nostril and contracting with each breath. She began to tremble and shake, turning very pale. So, I scored a direct hit on the head matriarch of this miserable clan of self-righteous fuckwads. The fact that my wife could arise from this miscued set of genetics is surely tribute to the recessive traits that surface in various bloodlines from time to time. Wouldn't figure a little bit of puke to be such a big deal for her since she routinely shits her pants anyway. Depends dear? No, not for me. I don't like those things.

Bonus round!!! Prissy James surfaces from the basement. In all of the confusion it seems the boy pissed his pants. The sight of this little fucking Orca with piss on his pants, puke on his face and shirt and pale pure white complexion made me giggle. 8 years old at 120 sway backed, knock kneed pounds seems like he's well on his way to cardiac arrest at 16. I'm smirking openly now and the wife catches it. What could I possibly see so damn funny in all of this?? I guess if you have to ask, you wouldn't understand.

Over all the day left me feeling damn near euphoric. I had a little nap and slept off a near narcotic like stupor that set in after arriving home. It's the kind of release of energy I get when a very intense event transpires in synch with my whims. What a great day it was. I am vindicated. Now I get to go to work on what to do for Christmas Day. My snotty stuck up sister-in-law and her Jewish as he needs to be husband are coming to visit for three days with a visit to our house planned for Christmas Night.

Red Rooster

brazilian guido? in case you want to know what pec implants look like on a guy. sfw.

dayum! mark maguire's wife has got some big ol titties! i'm guessing she took hgh, too?

getting ready for turkey dinner? interview with sazzy lee varga, fitness model and actress.

bank robber eats bank note upon arrest. totally awesome move, i feel bad its all on camera.

pretty cool scrollbar clock - doesn't work right in shitty internet explorer so use firefox bitches.

November 21, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

There's a passage I got memorized. "Nemo me impune lacessit." It's Latin. It means, "No one prokes me with impunity." I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you flamed his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin', it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. Keyboard here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or is could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd, and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin'. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

the five types of fuck buddies a man can have.

how to answer the 10 most common interview questions.

so who else is watching this brunette while she's in the shower?

cristiano ronaldo's little black book. aka why cristiano ronaldo rules the world.

i deliver 2 billion presents in one night to a bunch of shithead kids. i'm having a beer.

"there was only a single plane in the sky, so i assumed it was just passing by." LOL ENOLY GAY

amdprocessors - barakontv - chewbaccalikestheladies - donkeypunchtattoo - firealarmcontrolpanel
girlscouttroop15 - shadowonwall - someonestolemywallet - worldsbestpianoplayer - zombiebag

November 20, 2009

Wakka, Wakka, Wakka.

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate. I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately.

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets. The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied, "You forget, I have Jewish blood in me now!"

Q. Can you name eleven parts of the human body which are only three letters long? A. Ear, eye, lip, jaw, toe, leg, arm, gum, hip, rib & tit.

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Oh God," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then stopped. "Are you crazy," he said, "we're on the 13th floor." "Shit," cried the young lady in exasperation, "do you think that this is the right fucking time to be superstitious?"

Q. Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread? A. They both get turned down at the end of the night.

A man studied the menu long and hard, and finally turned to the waiter for help. "Well," said the waiter, "today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad." "That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?" "We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal."

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray."And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus,you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

Martin was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job center he was offered work at the local Zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Martin was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked him. "I can't believe it" said Martin "I just opened the door and then.....Whooooosh!"

Q. What do Vanilla Ice, Eminem and Barack Obama have in common? A. They all made careers pretending to be black.

Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"

Riddle: John's mother had four children. The first was April, the second was May, the third was June. What was the name of her fourth child? answer below

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Fuck off! You're on my side!"

One guy is very upset and yells at his friend, "You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for what you did." "Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I pay twice."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having SEX would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the fucking ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his scholastic work?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."

A slice of pizza is in the stomach, waiting to be digested. Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down. The pizza lets it pass in front of him. A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too. A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks they whiskey, "What's going on up there?" "They're having a really great party", says the whiskey. "Really? responds the pizza. "I think I'll go up there and take a look".

Answer. John.

ashley greene's maxim cover shoot 2009.

the world cup of hot chicks. ireland and france seen in catfight.

big tits - an informative infomercial that empowers women to reach their maximum potential.

November 19, 2009

Finally, A Good Use For A .22

Perhaps the most important thing you can remember during the zombie apocolypse is, first and foremost you need to create a barrier between you and the ravenous hordes looking to eat your flesh. I suggest using something very study such as metal, or perhaps some nice heavy oak. Then pick up an issue of Guns 'n Gardens - How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse is the number one web show for DIY tips and tricks for living through the tough times. Each episode we'll explore the in's and out's of the wasteland, including the best weapons, first aid and food production techniques that will help you and yours see another day. Stay alive with Guns 'n Gardens. So later on when zombies are gnawing through your skull, don't say I didn't warn you. Although no, I won't need anyone rubbing my bald head to calm me down. Why not? Because let me assure you ladies and gentlemen, I am awesome, so aside from Pep-Z, here's my weapon of choice. What's yours?

Al, rub my butt. Well, here's a disturbing little tidbit. As I learned in this interview, Katey Sagal is married to the hit biker themed television series Sons of Anarchy creator, Kurt Sutter. So essentially, Sutter kind of choreographed the gang rape of his own wife. Weird. Oh, and is it me or does Sutter totally looks like Jax?

Ernie. I sent a post card to your ol buddy Wayne. Lee Co. Sheriff's office says he is in the mental ward and can not receive mail, but they will hold anything they get. I look forward to a response just to stir the pot. I'll keep you posted when the silt rises. Steve

I read your comments about Wayne and went to some of the story links you provided. According to the comments link, he was arrested for murder after they found that the gun had jammed: "not in this case..there was a lot more that happened including a suicide letter and the police found out the gun jammed... That is considered murder in the State of Florida. Plus Kidnapping. He is facing about 20 years." I don't know how much truth there is in that, but it could explain things. David

Great, now I'm going to have to defend myself from zombies and Wayne. Personally I don't put much stock in the fucking no-life whack jobs that troll the News-Press forums. So does anyone have any answers on the jammed gun = murder twist?

interactive: state-by-state numbers for the 'cash for clunkers' program.

in virginia's death chamber, a rare death by electrocution. you fry em up good now.

rescue worker assisting in train a derailment almost gets runaway utility car straight up his ass.

a homemade chicken plucking machine built from the book "anyone can build a whizbang chicken plucker".

November 18, 2009

If They Don't Want You To Stop, Why Isn't It A Green Light District?

De Wallen is the largest and best-known of the three red-light districts in Amsterdam. As well of providing sexual services the area is also a major tourist attraction. Amsterdam’s ladies of the night have moved with the times and no longer just ply their trade after dark. They are on show in the windows for all to see, and choose from, during the day too. If you’re wondering how much it costs to lighten the load with one of the women then you can expect to pay upwards of 50 Euros for a 20 minute liaison behind the closed curtains and locked door. Here are twenty-eight photos from the world famous De Wallen red light district in Amsterdam. You're welcome.

My morning will be filled with trips to Wachovia Bank after someone -- ahem, Kat -- lost her LBEH credit card. Don't worry, hers is already cancelled and we still have mine to buy tickets with, so let's keep those buckaroos coming, eh?

A list of porn stars who have made the jump over to mainstream media. Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy we all know. But who the hell is Veronica Hart and why does it look like her face has been dribbled through a minefield?

What up, Ernie. The wikisnaps link on your page today was the An-225, some big ass commie cargo plane. I am not 100%, but I think that may have been the plane (the article stated only two were built?) that flew to China to recover the EP-3 that was downed on the Chinese island back in 2001. I was in Japan supporting that aircraft (the EP-3 flown by VQ-1) when the incident occurred, never saw good ol' PR-32 again, but heard from one of my chiefs that that was how they recovered the bird. Chopped off the wings and tail and loaded her up. Flew her to Vagina or some state on the East coast. Maryland, maybe? Pax River? Fuck it. I never saw the plane again. Even though we had no plane to support for a month the upper echelon still managed to put us on Port/Starboard duty answering the phone and shit. Who cares if the crew was chillin' in Chinese O barracks. They got per diem for it! And free Dominos for life (or a year, I forget), it's not like I got shit! Not even a parade. And the squadron made all of this commemorative shit for the event, and we didn't get any, way out there in Japan, answering the phones. I wanted a T-shirt, too! Bastards. And they wondered why retention sucked. Fuck them. Keep on rockin' Sean

Sorry Sean, these are not the droids you are looking for. The plane you speak of is the An-225's little brother, the An-124. In fact, pictures of your baby being dismantled and loaded onto this big ass Russian bird can be found here. On a somewhat related note, the An-225 is gaining a little fame as the cargo plane flown in 2012. You can watch the real thing take off here, or the remote control version complete with miniature Buran space shuttle, here.

Explaining an STD to your girlfriend might be kind of tough, but what about lots of STDs? Edward visits Bella with some disturbing news on how his unsafe bloodsucking decisions has given him every STD every known. Bella’s not scared to die for love, but living with an STD is a whole other story.

tv's bitchy hall of fame.

where should I eat? fast food edition (flowchart).

asus best, hp worst for notebook reliability. so long, compaq.

learn to NOM-NOM-NOM from the master. that's right? cookie monster.

two hot blonde's battle it out in the boob slapping championship of the world.

every death in oz, part i - part ii - every death in the wire, seasons 4 & 5

November 17, 2009

Cut Your Leg? That's It? Just Rub Some Fuckin Dirt On It.

Sure, I make yesterday's post at 10:47am Eastern time, and two hours later, the local NBC affiliate publishes this. So it was just attempted homicide, not actual homicide as the piece of shit News-Press was initially reporting. And just to reinforce how clueless they are, it wasn't until 9 o'clock last night that they got off their asses and managed to get this blurb posted. And they wonder why nobody subscribes to their shitty newspaper; it's like reading a day old bakery.

So in the end Wayne did indeed flip his wig, but he didn't really flip his wig. He pulled a Karen Hill, gave his wife a papercut and then popped a few Xanex. Woo hoo. I am so disappointed. But I suppose the Xanex explained the placid looking mugshot, eh? A local LEO had this to offer...

What a coward! We call that move "checking in." I'm sure he had no intention of killing her, he just wanted to step out of his shitty life for a while by doing some dumb shit to get arrested. You know what would be a great read? You should write him a letter asking what he was thinking just to see what he says. I'm sure he'll write you back. Most kidnapping charges are something stupid like that. If she didn't live there, he would have gotten false imprisonment as well. He'll beat the attempet homicide, and plea to a lesser charge, I'm sure.

So on that note, what's the police code for being a complete fucking pussybag? Anyway. I went and saw 2012 this weekend. It wasn't bad, two and a half hours of solid entertainment. There aren't going to be any academy awards coming from it, and I'm sure the folks at Stupid Movie Physics are going to have a field day with it. But wasn't bad. Kind of like Deep Impact meets The Day After, with a tip of the hat to The Poseidon Adventure -- although I thought that last part was kind of a cop out, by the way. I'd have much preferred to see the ship bust in half or become entombed in a huge crashing wave. And remember the very first teaser trailer, where the Buddist Monk runs up the hill and bangs his gong about half a dozen times? Yeah, in reality that's a pretty quick scene and he only gets two hits in before beng washed away. P.S. Don't live in Hawaii. Anyway, it's kind of a long movie, so should you have to use the pisser, my advice is to hold it until the 93 minute mark when John Cusack/Amanda Peet sit together in a car and engage in the obligatory main character/ex-wife reconciliation dialogue. Although as best I can remember, Cusack didn't stab Peet in the leg when they were done.

Ernie, Found another interesting DUI arrest here in Idaho, it seems even the Almighty Allah likes to get jacked up before driving around. Thanks again for the entertainment and enlightenment on a daily basis. Derrek

Answering this next question wrong will come back to bite you in the ass. How many inches is it from Brooke Vaughn's right nipple to her left? If you guessed eight inches, you're wrong and Shawn gets to go first, along with his black friend Barry.

goalie shows off prior to free kick. kicker gets to mock goalie.

the largest cruise ship in the world is five times the size of the titanic.

question: what are shannon tweed and erik estrada up to? answer: twisted justice.

ilyushin il-18 operated by dhl aborts takeoff from the 8202 ft long airstrip at cabinda, west africa.

suspended new mexico soccer player elizabeth lambert shows her softer side in this new dating video.

November 16, 2009

Code 187? Identify Code 187. Murder-Death-Kill.

Holy shit, I'm just as surprised as Sandra Bullock when she discovered her first 187.

As always, I began my Saturday morning with the same ritual every day: start a pot of morning coffee, walk the dogs, drink my first cup of coffee browsing the news, take a crap, drink a second cup of coffee while browsing the mugshots, courtesy of the Lee County Sheriff's office. I don't know if its the warmer weather or if they put something in the water, but the crimes down here are always much more interesting that what we had up north. And if you think the Cape is bad, you ought to see Ft Myers, especially at the local Walmart. Sometimes I find neat shit -- remember the guy who got busted fucking the blowup doll in the grocery store parking lot -- and some times I find something so shocking that it literally leaves me speechless. Saturday morning's perusal was an event of the latter form.

Okay, okay, quick EHOWA flashback, as I try to know my groceries around here in sleepy old Cape Coral. Everyone remembers Bikini Joe's, the now defunct bar that I used to frequent due to it's eye candy and NTN trivia. I believe I've also mentioned that the original owners were a husband and wife team, Debbie and Wayne. Their daughter was the daytime bartender. Well anyway, Wayne always struck me as a little, oh what's the word... off, I guess. There was always something a little not quite right about him. Aside from being a very close talker -- and I'm talking he's walk right up to within 3-4" of your face and start a conversation -- he just always gave off some kind of wacko vibe that I could never quite put my finger on. Perhaps what started it all, were all these fucking signs he'd put all around the bar; full of broken English rivaled only by the Mexican guys who planted trees in my front yard, and his CAPS LOCK key apparently welded down. And then came the questions regarding his sexuality. Yes indeed, Wayne was married and had children, but he always presented himself in a way that raised eyebrows. From the time he went out to admire Earl, wearing cutoff denim shorts, a sleeveless denim vest, socks pulled up to his knees, holding a glass of white wine with a backwards wrist, to the time he declared he wanted to have a "Gay Night" once a month. Indeed, Wayne struck me and several other people as a little light in the loafers. The denouement came with this little gem posted in the men's bathroom; the vandalism he mentioned is someone broke a mirror that Wayne had installed above the men's urinal, presumably placed there so you could admire your own cock while you took a piss.

Some time later there was trouble in paradise, Wayne and his wife called it quits, so Wayne decides to sell his half of the bar. Eventually the bar is sold not in half, but in its entirety to three brothers. None of whom know how to run a bar or hire people, and after Jen quit the bartenders and clientele just seemed to get trashier and trashier. Yeah, they had the occasional diamond in the rough, but for the most part, even though they kept NTN for awhile, Bikini Joe's was never the same.

But Bikini Joe's isn't the focus of today's post, Wayne is. From what I was told in the following months, he went off to start his own mobile powerwashing company and that was the last I heard of him. Until Saturday morning, when I found this. Now for those of you without your reading glasses, that would be KIDNAPPING AND FUCKING HOMICIDE. As is Murder-Death-Kill. As in, "Be well, John Spartan, and where are my three shells?"

So evidently, ol Wayne kidnapped and killed someone. And for the motherfucking life of me, I can't find out WHO. Now, since men kidnapping men is quite rare, can we assume the victim is a female? Like maybe an ex-wife or a daughter he was always at odd with? Fuck man, I don't know! And it's, well, killing me! I've been doing Google searches, Lee County Clerk searches, shit even the fucking obituaries... and nobody has got shit on it. Our douchebag little local newspaper seems to be mum, so it's like there's this fucking media blackout or something. What the fuck! We got us a bonified murder mystery here -- who the hell did Wayne kill? Enquiring minds want to know!

cheerleader showdown: florida vs alabama.

when stars lost their virginity. i love jamie pressly.

no seriously. installment eight of prank wars - go see it.

new roundup: fifteen free must-install programs for your new pc.

world's smartest animal is a chimpanzee. - try telling that to charla nash.

black dynamite uses his powers of persuasion to change the future of a nation.

November 14, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.


one movie. four frames. that's it.

video of the bugatti veyron saltwater crash. thanks ed!

thanksgiving is almost here, and man i do love me some deep fried turkey.

watch yer cornhole, buddy. or not. hey guys, fresh cornhole! get yer fresh cornhole here!

everything you need to know about the first decade of twenty-first century, in seven minutes.

if marijuana production were legal: projected tax revenues, by state. not to mention dorito sales.

November 14, 2009

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.

Ninety-nine percent of the time, my time spent working on LBEH is enjoyable. I mean let's face it, we get to call up people who have otherwise resolved themselves to not seeing their family at Christmas, only to tell them it looks like Johnny will come marching home after all. And our merry little band of worker bees has ballooned to a huge staff of four -- count them four, ladies and gentlemen -- so more often than not, things go quite smoothly especially once we get a rhythm going.

Of course we get nice thank you's from the service personnel, but me personally? What I really enjoy? Are the letters from the moms. I dunno why, call me a pussy, whatever. Maybe it's because my own mom isn't here anymore but somehow a thank you always means a little more to me when it goes a little something like this:

To: ''
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 2009 11:40:25 -0700
Subject: Thank You

Dear Ernie,

My son Gerry joined the Marines last July. While he was at basic training I finalized my plans to re-marry. It was never a question that Gerry would walk me down the isle. See, Gerry and I have been through quite a lot in his 18 years on earth. Through all the ups and downs, we have remained close. I was more then sad as our family (Gerry is the 4th of 6 kids) celebrated Thanksgiving without him last year. He did not have the time off to come home. Gerry had to spend Thanksgiving at school in Pensacola, Florida. By the time Christmas came around, I found myself in a terrible state. This was going to be the first Christmas I was going to spend with out Gerry. I was not looking forward to it at all.

I knew Gerry was not able to come home, cost was a factor. Little did I know that on the Friday before Christmas, Gerry and 2 other Marines and a sailor were embarking on a cross-county bus trip home. They traveled from Pensacola to Houston, Texas. There they changed busses to one heading north to Salt Lake City, Utah. They arrived Sunday in Salt Lake only to find that all bus routes to points north and northwest were canceled due to the bad snow conditions on 8 of the passes. Tired, the young travelers decided to sit a bit to figure out what to do. At this time, a woman and her husband approached the group and asked if they wanted to come home and have dinner and sleep for the night since the bus terminal was closing. Gerry and his friends left with the couple who also took a family of 6 with them. At their home, they were able to sit down to a home cooked meal, shower and get some much needed sleep in a bed.

Come morning the group headed back to the bus terminal to continue on their journey. Once at the terminal, they were informed that the weather conditions had not changed. No busses heading north or northwest. Feeling defeated, the kids decided to head back to Pensacola. None of them had the money to fly nor the time-off to take an alternate route to the Northwest. Just then, a woman sitting at a folding table with her laptop motioned the kids over. She asked their names, where they were going and their id cards. As she returned each card to the kids, one by one she told them what planes they would be on and when their flights were leaving. Gerry said he was in complete shock. He had no time to think, there were volunteers all around them to help with their bags and head out to the waiting vans. The volunteers took them to the airport that Monday night. Much to my surprise, Gerry picked me up from work the next day =)

Ernie, Gerry said the lady in the airport was angel. I believe she was. She also handed Gerry her phone number and email address incase he needed anything. This was the organizations name as it appeared on her card. I can't remember her name, but she was there, Salt Lake City Greyhound bus terminal December 22nd, 08. I told everyone this story at work. I called it the "Baby Gerry" story. So often we hear the bad news. The horrible stories of people doing terrible things to one another. Here was a situation that shows you there are great people out there, people looking out for one another. Your organization brought my son home for Christmas.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Stephanie Kenn___
Proud mom of a United States Marine

The woman in the bus station with the fold up table? That was Kat. A local radio station happened to broadcast a story about some troops stuck at the bus station and upon hearing it, Kat grabbed her laptop and off she went. The other folks helping with bags and such? Just average everyday residents of Salt Lake City. So kudos to them, right? And my first thought upon reading this email? Hey when the fuck did Kat get business cards and why don't I have any?

Anyway. What a heartwarming story, right? It's situations like this that are at the very heart of why I created LBEH. And again, ninety-nine percent of our interactions follow the same script; some are a little more appreciative, some a little less, but still people are grateful for what we do. Because shit, we're grateful for what they do, right? I consider letters from the likes of Stephanie to be THE GOOD. But as the old adage goes, there can be no good without evil, no beauty without ugliness, and no heaven without hell. So now we have to venture into THE BAD.

Subject: Plane ticket!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Mon, 29 Dec 2008 22:40:46 -0700

First of all I would like to say that if you are a LIGITIMATE organization, Kudo’s to you for what you are doing for our young men and woman that serve our country. You are doing something I wish I could do. These young men and woman have given up a lot of freedom (every aspect of their lives belongs to the military) so that we can all have freedom. They go though many countless disappointments throughout their years of service whether it is missing family and friends, holidays and various other important things in their lives that we take for granted every day. When I was informed about your organization just a little over 2 weeks ago I was so excited I was telling everyone I knew about your web site. I had encouraged each and every one I came across to consider your organization whether it be this year (so late in the season) or in future years to contribute to the awesome cause. I made sure I told them that this will be my number one organization that I support in the future. Being a military mom I know all to real how these young men and woman can’t always afford a ticket especially if they have a position that doesn’t allow them to get final approval for leave until a few days before. By then the tickets are un touchable to them.

My son signed up to have Christmas off last January. Considering he spent part of the year in Iraq we had all planned to celebrate his return over the holidays. We have looked forward with anticipation for the holidays to come. We had planned on meeting in the town his grandparents live in knowing for 2 of the 3 this could be the last Christmas we all share together. Unfortunately even with much effort he did NOT receive his signed approval until approximately one week before Christmas. Immediately we started working on securing him a ticket. The prices were completely out of range. I called EVERY airlines that flies into our town and asked if there was any way we work on a reasonable ticket. Each airline one by one told me they were sorry but that’s the breaks. Not one even seemed to really care. (Obviously they don’t have a son or daughter in the military that they haven’t seen for awhile) Our son even had enough airline miles for a free ticket but because it was the holidays they wanted double the miles. Crazy me but thinking if I called and explained the situation they would work with us. NOT Then the email came from my son saying that he had found an organization that might help us get a ticket. He said he would know in approximately 72 (from what I remember) hours. We were on pins and needles. NO WORD. More pins and needles. Then he called and said that he had contacted the organization and the only thing he got back was a short email that said (from my best wording) “DON’T WORRY YOU WILL HAVE A TICKET”. We were all so excited we called the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brother and family to let them know the good news. Then the wait with anticipation came to see the details. My son works a 24 hour shift and by the day before his vacation was to start he still didn’t know any details so he packed his bag before heading to work so he could be ready to go at a moments notice. Finally with my encouraging he emailed to ask about the ticket knowing tomorrow he was heading home. NO WORD. We waited. STILL NO WORD. Then came Christmas Eve day and we were all in a daze wondering why someone would do something so cruel. The day we had anticipated so long for was here and it was nothing but heart ache. But still having faith we figured we would hear something at the last minute and he would fly in on Christmas Day. NOT. I can tell you from a momma this has been the worse Christmas EVER. Even though this is NOT the first Christmas our son missed due to the military it was the worst because we knew he was coming home. I can’t tell you the heartache knowing that I couldn’t even get a package to him to open for Christmas day. It was him by himself all day Christmas. Nothing from home. No one to spend time with. I can also tell you that HE HAS NOT complained one time to me. He keeps being positive throughout the whole thing saying that all things happen for a reason and we all know that but we would just like to know why this situation happened. I know you don’t’ know my son but he is one of the most caring, giving persons you can know. He NEVER asks for anything in return and this is the FIRST time he has asked for assistance with a ticket home. The sad part is we did find a ticket that we could afford on Monday but he kept saying that it wouldn’t be the right thing to do to ask you guys and if you had bought a ticket burn you with a ticket that you would loose the money on. He kept telling us to wait till we heard from you guys so that he wouldn’t have put you through the trouble and expense for NO reason. I told him that I would make sure I make a donation accordingly for what we would have been able to pay for a ticket to help out the organization to make up for the ticket that they got him. I can say I am SO THANKFUL I waited to make my donation until after he came home because I would have been even more upset since he didn’t get to come. This will be a Christmas I will NEVER forget and one I hope that I NEVER have to deal with again. Okay so I’m sure you’ve well got my point I’m trying to make by now. I’m sorry that I made this so windy but I’ve contemplated several sleepless night before writing this. I just want you to be more HONEST with these young men and woman in the future. If your not 100% sure that you are going to purchase a ticket for them then DON’T make a promise you know you may not keep. Be HONEST with them so they can at least not get setup for another big disappointment. Tell them you’ll make the best effort you can but don’t say “YOU WILL HAVE a ticket if there is any possibility that they won’t. If you really did purchase tickets for the other 67 men and woman on the list then I say THANK YOU for making their holiday special.

Can you please give us some explanation as to why you did this so we can at least feel like we didn’t do anything wrong. And why was his name removed after Christmas as though he NEVER existed on your list? It would be nice to be able to put some closer to this unfortunate situation and without any explanation I just can’t seem to get it out of my head. I really don’t want to spread any bad word about this organization if you really are a legitimate. PLEASE PLEASE I beg you to NOT ever do this again to another young man or woman and their family. It was not a funny joke and was quite painful.

One disappointed parent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheryl B___

Well, says I, that certainly doesn't sound like us to leave someone hanging like that. I wonder what happened? Both Kat and Bibi are super conscientious so I can't imagine they just ignored this kid. But not wanting LBEH to get a black eye, I wrote Helicopter Mom back and tell her that I'll look into it. I mean at the time we were fast approaching the 800+ mark, it stands to reason that perhaps a ticket or two might go sideways. I give a jingle to both Kat and Bibi and the story is the same: Yep we had some questions about his itinerary, and tried calling her son at the contact numbers he provided but there was no answer at either number, one of the numbers rang to a voicemail that wasn't his and the other just rang. Then strangely enough, her son would email out of the blue saying, "Hey what's the status of my ticket?" And we'd email him back, "Dude your contact numbers don't work, email us back with this info," to which we'd receive no reply. But Kat and I discovered a little quirk on her Blackberry that probably contributed to the problem, and here's how my reply went down:

Hello Sheryl!

Well, I spoke with Kat and Elizabeth and I'm pretty sure I found out what happened. It looks like oversights on both sides of the fence contributed to the missed communication. Occasionally questions arise regarding a person's itinerary; exactly when they can leave thgeir base, if they mind having an extended layover, etc. Such a question arose with Cory's ticket request with his dates of travel; both Kat and Bibi both tried calling Corety to request clarification but had trouble reaching him. One contact number went ring-no-answer withourt voicemail, and the second rang to voicemail but the name on the greeting wasn't Cory's, although we left messages anyway. The messages weren't returned.

Contributing to trhe problem is a little quirk with Kat's cellphone, when she sends emails from her blackberry. She did indeed receive Cory's urgent emails requesting a status update on his ticket. Kat immedietaly replied via her phone, stating in not so many words, "Hey we've been leaving you messages, you need to email us back as we have questions about your leave dates and we can't contact you by phone". Those emails weren't returned either, and here's why: By default, the little email app on Kat's phone appends ".com" to the mail address as .com is the most prevalent internet extension. But we're not, we're -- so what I presume happened is Cory received her requests, replied with the corrected dates, but we never received those emails because they went to "" and not "".

At least that's what I'm 99% sure what happened. if you coudl have Cory check his through his email and see if he received any short emails from Kat (e.g. they were send via a cell phone as opposed to a QWERTY keyboard) and see if the FROM/REPLY TO fields had "" and not "", that would confirm my suspicions. Again, I do apologize for this and I hope you understand it wasn't intentional. Kat is tinkering with her blackberry to make sure the correct .org is appended to her messages to make sure this doesn't happen again. it wasn't too long ago that I was the lowly two striper walking down the jetway (or actually, it was a long time ago, eeek!) so I know what it's like to see your family for the holidays.

Please let me know what Cory finds.

(Sorry about the typos's in that, my pinkie finger was acting up.) So days turn into weeks with no reply from Copter Mom. I presume she is satisfied with my explanation and quickly forget about the incident. Until this morning of course, enter THE UGLY:

Subject: "Let's Bring Em Home"
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 2009 19:58:16 -0700

Just wanted to say "THANKS" thanks for saying that your taking care of the 4 people you turned away last year first this year. I can only hope that that is the truth after what you did to my son last year. I pray those 4 aren't still waiting for a ticket Christmas Eve knowing they've been told they have one.

Ernie, you even promised that you would get back to me with a reason why my son was told to not worry he will have a ticket and then never heard from you guys again even after he tried to email you and to date I've not heard from you since. You even said you went back and saw the correspondance with him. I know that you can't buy tickets for everyone and I totally understand that but I still feel the least you could have done last year was appologize to a young serviceman that was promised a trip home for Christmas and didn't know until Christmas Eve that you weren't coming through with a ticket or even let him know.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT promise what you can't do this year. Be honest to these young men and woman. That means more than an empty promise and many heartbreaks. And if you really truly are a legitimate organization I say "Thank You" for the ones that you have brought joy to their holidays. Not only to them but the families that never know if they will see them again once they are gone. Good luck with your fundraising this year. Unfortunatly at this point I can't bring myself to promote your organization to my family and friends anymore since I'm not really sure any of this is legitimate.

Good luck,

Now... in situations like this. I have. An... EXTREMELY.... difficult time... separating the persona of Ernie from EHOWA, from that of Ernie from LBEH. Extremely difficult. Simply put, I don't know if Ernie from LBEH has the facilities to furnish a response to the satisfaction of Ernie from EHOWA. In fact, Ernie from EHOWA desperately wants to elbow Ernie from LBEH out from in front of the fucking keyboard and reply to this bitch himself. Listen, I can understand the woman being upset but there's a condescending undertow to her emails that is really pushing my fucking buttons. I don't think she has any understanding of how much effort we put into this each year: the countless phonecalls, the hours spent on hold with the airlines, not going anywhere without your laptop for a month and a half, eating dinner over a keyboard with a phone in your fucking ear. And to have that called into question by a woman whose son was too fucking stupid to type a phone number correctly? Is really, really, really, REALLY burning my ass. Like fucking REALLY.

It results in a tremendous inner battle, me getting up from the computer and walking barefoot around my house while spewing expletives at the top of my lungs. Ernie from LBEH wants to grit his teeth, smile and gracefully take a nice bite of shit sandwich for all to see. Ernie from EHOWA wants to leap through the fucking computer monitor and deliver a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to this lady fucking face. After all, this situation could have been avoided had her dumb shit of a son actually provided us some fucking phone numbers that actually worked, or if he had the brains to say to himself, "Hey they keep sending me emails asking the same questions over and over, so perhaps they're not getting my replies. Maybe I should call Kat at the phone number she provided to me three fucking times, and see what's up." Either that or he intentionally ignored our emails, so he wouldn't have to fly home and spend the holidays with his batshit crazy mother. So after a pot of coffee with a few splashes of bourbon at 6:30 in the fucking morning, this is what I begrudgingly sent:

Why hello Sheryl, nice to hear from you again. Actually I did reply back in January but never heard back from you, so I was under the assumption that you were satisfied with our explanation. Below is the email I sent, please respond back so I know you've received it. Thanks! [forwarded copy of my previous email with the Blackberry info]

So to all you military motherfuckers out there -- especially the ones getting tickets this year -- you better fucking appreciate this. Ernie from EHOWA is sitting in the corner, tied up with a rag stuffed in his fucking mouth, and I don't know how much longer I can keep him there. If this fucking bitch writes back and gives me any more shit, it's on like Donkey Kong.

But moving on to lighter things, remember the Jake Vs Amir prank war? I stumbled upon it rather late in the game, first with the Yankees game proposal. Next came Streeter's revenge with the $500,000 half court basketball shot. And now comes Amir's retaliation: making Street think he's about to plummet to his death due to a parachute malfunction. Eh, not bad, but I still think the basketball shot one was better.

agree with his stance of not, you've got to admit the little gaywad has got some balls.

planes. watch them live. netherlands based, so you get netherlands air traffic.

dear sluts: be careful using your iphone to taking nude picture of yourself.

looks like carrie prejean got a little sand rubbed in pussy. what a cunt.

rugby cheerleaders: the hottest women you never knew existed.

nice shooting officer munley. center mass, baby, center mass.

November 12, 2009

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.

So far this year's Let's bring Em Home seems to be off to a pretty good start, we're just shy of $5k in donations at the 24 hour mark. I expect this to slow down a little following the initial burst, so if you've ever wanted to help bring a soldier home for the holidays, this is your chance. Frequent flier miles are welcome too, so cut corners if you have to, but pony up some help here!

Yeah, so today's update is going to cross over into the edgy side of the internet, so if you're surfing from work, you might want to to make a move towards some privacy. Or at the very least, turn down your speakers to a less conspicuous volume and maybe tilt your screen away. Seriously, I'm actually warning you this time, so you know there's some fucked up stuff headed your way. But if you stick with me, I'll fucking guarantee you'll have some awesome sites to send to your co-workers. Trust me; I'm from the government.

This first portion, which is quite safe for work, began when Eric sent in this link to Instant Chewbacca. It made me giggle. So clean. So quick. Suck instant gratification. And yes I know the button -> sound effect site has been done before, and I've even linked a few in previous posts. But you have to admit the Chewbacca aspect put a nice spin on the idea. So that set me out on a quest to hunt down some more sound effect sites and here's what I've found so far:

Telling a joke around the office? If it does well you have the Instant Rimshot, and if it flops, you can choose between some Instant Crickets or Instant Tumbleweeds.

Need to secretly alert your co-workers that the boss is walking down the aisle without letting him know you're putting the word out? Sounds like a job for the Emergency Yodel to me.

Co-worker just get fired? Did the boss's porno screensaver just come on during a presentation? Pregnant girlfriend just fall down some stairs? Punctuate the fail with Instant Fail from The Price Is Right, the timless sounds of the Swanee Whistle, or the new classic cornerstone of American slapstick, Nelson's Ha-Ha.

Or perhaps you're the boss? You're the guy who's going to be doing the firing? How will you savor the priceless look on your employee's face when you give him the boot? With the Instant Drama button, just before 1ou fill the room with your Evil Laugh, most likely.

Did your landscapers just showed up and you being a gracious host that you are, want to make them feel right at home? Perhaps an Instant Pinata is in order.

Whoopie cushions banned at work? No sweat, you can choose from the Instant Pull My Finger, or my personal favorite, the Poo Button.

This second portion is where things get a little weird, as it deals with shock sites such as the old internet gems, Tubgirl and Lemonparty. There is absolutely nothing funnier than tricking unsuspecting people into inadvertently going to lemonparty. I don't care about the context, it's absolutely always funny. In fact it's so popular it was included among Something Awful's Safe For Work Porn photoshop contest. Now who the fuck first dreamed up sites like this I don't know, but I'd sure like to buy them a beer. I say beer over such things as moonshine, because moonshine is typically served in a glass jar, and we all know glass jars can break... so yeah, I'll prefer a nice sterilized bottle, please. And rather than link them all individually, the folks at own a handful of those shock sites, some of which you've seen here before on EHOWA. By the way, the music with that jar squatter is still haunting me.

And while a lot of the older staple shock sites have run their course -- Goatse and 2-Girls-1-Cup to name a few, but my personal favorite that I still love to send people is Meatspin. Sure there are lots of more that I could show you, and no it wouldn't make you a homo if you checked out each one, but honestly who has the time to visit all of them?

Oh and one, they are remaking Clash of the Titans. Two, I think it looks fucking awesome. And three, holy fuck those are much bigger scorpions than they had in the original movie. Maybe this whole Hollywood-out-of-ideas thing isn't so bad after all?

Well that's my post for today, and I think it was a pretty damned good one and I'm sure it'll keep you busy for a while -- can I get a Hallelujah? You're damn right I can. Okay folks, I'm outta here. Hiyooooooo!

color photos of the german surrender.

this is how credit card numbers are generated.

moving cities for work? a handy cost of living comparison.

compilation of disaster movie destruction. we're all gonna fuckin die.

if a black cat crossed your path while you're driving your truck up a flight of stairs, is that bad luck?

November 11, 2009

Happy Veterans Day.

The Navajo language is incredibly complex, with syntax, tonal qualities and dialects that render it unintelligible to outsiders. A spoken language, it has no alphabet or symbols, and is used only in remote Navajo areas of the American Southwest. For these reasons, it was selected as a code language during World War II by the U.S. Marines. In 1942, Japanese translators and codebreakers were regularly intercepting U.S. military communications and sabotaging U.S. plans in the Pacific. Philip Johnston, a white man who was raised on the Navajo Reservation, convinced Major General Clayton Vogel, commanding general of the Amphibious Corps, Pacific Fleet, that the Marines should recruit Navajos to transmit important military communications. From the Naval Historical Center:

“In May 1942, the first 29 Navajo recruits attended boot camp. Then, at Camp Pendleton, Oceanside, California, this first group created the Navajo code. They developed a dictionary and numerous words for military terms. The dictionary and all code words had to be memorized during training. The developers of the original code assigned Navajo words to represent about 450 frequently used military terms that did not exist in the Navajo language. Several examples: ‘besh- lo’ (iron fish) meant ’submarine,’ and ‘dah-he- tih-hi’ (hummingbird) meant ‘fighter plane’. Once a Navajo code talker completed his training, he was sent to a Marine unit deployed in the Pacific theater. The code talkers’ primary job was to talk, transmitting information on tactics and troop movements, orders and other vital battlefield communications over telephones and radios…Praise for their skill, speed and accuracy accrued throughout the war. At Iwo Jima, Major Howard Connor, 5th Marine Division signal officer, declared, ‘Were it not for the Navajos, the Marines would never have taken Iwo Jima.’”

For decades after the war, the contributions of the Navajo code talkers were not publicly acknowledged, because of the continued value of their language as a secure code. The code talkers were finally honored at the Pentagon in 1992, and the Navajo code talker exhibit is now a regular stop on the Pentagon tour. Of the approximately 400 Navajos who trained as code talkers, only about 50 are still alive, most of them living in the Navajo Nation that includes part of New Mexico, Arizona and Utah. Today, for the first time, a group of 13 code talkers will take part in the Veterans Day parade in New York City. [culled from neatorama]

Thank you to all those soldiers that have proudly worn the uniform of this great country. From Bunker Hill to Baghdad your courage has shined freedom's light onto places where only the darkness of tyranny once ruled. Through the years you have been asked to make many sacrifices. When your country asked for your help you were there. With valor and honor you went into harms way and some of you never came home. Please remember your sacrifices have not been in vain. Over two hundred years ago, you brought freedom to a fledgling country. Through your blood, sweat and tears America was born. You gave the citizens this country the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. However, you did more than bring freedom to the citizens of the original thirteen colonies. Your efforts planted the roots of democracy for the rest of the world to see. When other countries have been in peril you came to the rescue, and freedom took hold all over the world. Many of us are too young to remember, or too self absorbed to care, but our weaknesses have never been yours. You have always been there to answer the challenge. You have always been there to defiantly stand against any evil, any foe that would try to remove the freedoms which you secured.

Ernie, Well, it's been a while since our home burned down on August 8th. I wanted to give you and the rest of EHOWA a final update. USAA, our mortgage insurance let us down big time. It took them entirely too long to get the adjusters out to the site. They never get back with us in a timely manner when we have questions. They messed up the issuing of the structure settlement check not once, not twice, but THREE times. Not to mention multiple other minor issues we've had during this whole process with them. Unfortunately, they have always been within their legals rights, right to the very letter of the law...but just barely. Needless to say, we are not staying with them after this process comes to an end. For over ten years we've had nothing but good things to say about them. This was the first claim we ever had to make with them, and they let us down big time.

For the first two months after the fire, we stayed with my parents. However, on October 6th, we closed on a new home. The fire had been a total loss. Since my husband had been laid off since last January, and I had only been able to find temp jobs to make ends meet, we felt this might be a sign that it was time for a change. Rather than rebuilding, we have moved back to our home area. We have family and friends here, a lovely new home, a nice school for the kids, and even some job prospects. My husband and I have obtained our state substitute teaching license and have that for temporary/part time work for now. It's not much, but without a house payment, we can still pay the bills for now. The insurance settlement may have paid for our new home, but it's been through the generous donations from EHOWA that we've been able to furnish it. We now have all the basics covered in the home.

It was a dark hour for my family and me when we left our home in the middle of the night, as it burned down, but we can now begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We were very lucky to have gotten out safely, and then doubly blessed when you and the rest of EHOWA came to our aid. With your help, we were able to cover the cost of our basic needs while we waited for the insurance to come through, and then to slowly put the pieces of our life back together in our new home. You also helped to cover the cost of all the vet bills for the surviving dog and two cats. We wish to thank each and everyone one of you who has helped us. And of course, as always, I'm ready to help with another season of LBEH. Looks like we might actually have a happy ending. Thank you, (Bibi) Elizabeth & family

And with that, the official site for this year's Let's Bring Em Home campaign is in full muthafuckin effect! I know the economy is still kicking some of us in the balls, but please, every little bit helps. Ten, fifteen, twenty bucks... whatever you can spare will definitely help get a soldier home for Christmas. Don't put it off until tomorrow, because you know you'll forget. It's real easy to help and a simple mouseclick can get you started. Donations, in any amount, can be sent in one of two ways: The first (preferred way) is via Paypal to This lets us access the funds immediately and provides for electronic accounting. Or if you prefer to send a check or money order, please make it out to "LBEH.ORG" and mail to:

PMB 192
1616-102 West Cape Coral Parkway
Cape Coral, Florida 33914

Remember folks, donations are tax deductible -- all this information along with a snot load more is readily available on the website. Please don't be afraid to ask questions. Folks, today is Veterans Day. Fly your flag proudly and Let's Bring Em Home!


top takeaways from the nfl's veteran's day salute.

DOOM boxart artist don ivan punchatz, died of heart attack.

i've warmed up to him: the end all be all list of mitch hedberg quotes.

the world's most unique golf courses - legend golf & safari, is that even possible?

world's smallest mother to risk giving birth for third time. Or, SOMEONE ACTUALLY FUCKS THIS.

November 10, 2009

Nothing But Blue Skies. Smiling At Me.

Many moons ago I had a little email conversation with a guy named Chris, regarding the auto industry bailout. Or loan... or bailout... or loan... depending upon who you asked. In fact, Chris's exact words were, "It's not a god damn bailout if it's a loan. The banks got a bailout, GM and Chrysler got loans. They have to pay them back. There's a big fucking difference. So stop being like the ever so non-biased national "news", and stop calling a loan a bailout." I reiterated my contention that we (the taxpayer) were going to get fucked in this deal. Chris went on to explain, "Hey, well I'm a little biased, I live near Detroit, where we've been fucked around here for years now. At least here, a few times, the CEO's have taken a $1 salary, and only take bonuses if the company makes money. And honestly, if the worst thing that happens is that money goes from the government to companies that employ thousands of people, maybe it won't be that bad."

Well here we are three months later, and after reading this article yesterday, I sent a copy off to Chris with a little snicker in my voice. I do love being right all the time. Chris's response just came back, "I've got a friend, an electrical engineer, who's been laid off from Chrysler for almost a year now. That must be why he stopped hearing all the talk about being called back recently. What's the unemployment rate? 50%? The mid-west is well on it's way to being a 3rd world country. Shit fucking sucks right now."

Two thoughts on this. One good, one not so good. On the upside -- and this is in regards to the economy as a whole, not specific to the auto industry -- I've started to see a turn around. People are buying up the foreclosed homes and starting repairs. The plunge in home values has stopped and in a few neighborhoods even eeked our meager gains. I actually had to drive around the mall for ten minutes to find a parking space, when six months ago there were tumbleweeds rolling by. I'm not saying champagne is falling from the skies again, I just think the worst is over. My friends back in Boston reports the same thing there as well, and since Florida's economic slump followed a few months behind the Northeast and that momentum cascaded westards, perhaps the bread basket will see a little sunshine by the end of the year.

My second point is for Chrysler; Jeep to be specific. Have you seen their latest commercial? They don't try to get you to buy a Jeep because they're the best in class towing, or best in class braking, or five star safety rated, or best resale value, or quietest interior, or most reliable, or have the best warranty... no they don't do that because they're none of these things. They try to get you to buy a new Jeep because you hate your job. That's it; that's their sales pitch. "Hate your job? Buy a Jeep!" If that doesn't epitomize why Chrysler is failing, nothing will.

On November 10, 1775, a Corps of Marines was created by a resolution of the Continental Congress. Since that date many thousands of men have borne that name Marine. In memory of them it is fitting that we who are Marines should commemorate the Birthday of our Corps by calling to mind the glories of its long and illustrious history. The record of our Corps is one which bear comparison with that of the most famous military organizations in the world's history. During 90 of the 146 years of its existence the Marine Corps has been in action against the Nation's foes. From the Battle of Trenton to the Argonne, Marines have won foremost honors in war and in the long era of tranquility at home generation after generation of Marines have grown gray in war in both hemispheres, and in every corner of the seven seas so that our country and its citizens might enjoy peace and security.

In every battle and skirmish since the Birth of the Corps, Marines have acquitted themselves with the greatest distinction, winning new honors on each occasion until the term "Marine" has come to signify all that is highest in military efficiency and soldierly virtue. This high name of distinction and soldierly repute we who are Marines today have received from those who preceded us in the Corps. With it we also received from them the eternal spirit which has animated our Corps from generation and has long been the distinguishing mark of Marines in every age. So long as that spirit continues to flourish Marines will be found equal to every emergency in the future as they have been in the past, and the me of our nation will regard us as worthy successors to the long line of illustrious men who have served as "Soldiers of the Sea" since the founding of the Corps.

Lieutenant General John A. Lejeune
13th Commandant of the US Marine Corps
Published on November 1, 1921

Hey may not be a Marine but he was shot down by Maverick and Goose in Top Gun. He had an arm ripped off in Starship Troopers, and both arms cut off in Total Recall. So since he has none to give, let's all give a hand to everyone's favorite antagonist, Michael Ironside.

Ernie, I'm always looking to contribute. I hope you like this one, too. Keep up the great work. Cheers, SSG Mischke.

Ernie, Wasting my day, up in the Great White North, came across this. Keep up the good work, eh. Adam.

Eve Menendez celebrates her most recent trip to the red carpet by letting her cute little Cuban nipple enjoy some much deserved sunshine.

I have railed and railed on how unfunny I find Sacha Baron Cohen/Bruno to be. But having said that, this interview with the Hit King, Pete Rose, was pretty funny. I won't spoil the surpruse but I'll admit when they brought out food, I snorted coffee out of my nose.

Ernie, with all of the talk about Internet Explorer vs Firefox, I just felt I had to contribute. Regards, Robert

Hey Ernie, I really enjoy your daily blogs and all the hot chicks you always post, good stuff bro. I came across this dating graphic I thought you'd enjoy. Thanks man, keep up the good work! Guillermo

From the This-Just-Keeps-Getting-Better-And-Better Department: Megan Fox rumored to be signing an endorsement deal with a breat enhancement company. Uhh, about fucking time.

two words for you: roomba. pac-man.

what's after the credits? well, let's take a look.

truck driving at its best worst. soundtrack warning.

one hundred things restaurant staffers should never do (two parts).

November 9, 2009

You Texas Bitches Sure Can Shoot.

Two in the turban, I presume. Anyway, I've held off on commenting about the Fort Hood shootings, knowing that as time allowed for shit to be sifted through the rumor mill, the actual facts of the tragedy would come to light. Of course when the shooter's name was first released -- Nidal Malik Hasan -- he might as well have been named MUSLIM ISLAM MUSLIM of the MUHAMMED ARABIC ALLAH CLAN. Indeed, the news of the shooting had barely made headlines and the weasels at CAIR was already at hard work, busily drafting up their official condemnation of the shootings. And if you can believe it, I actually felt a little sorry for my ol' pal Ibrahim on that one. For the simple reason that just because a person of [Demographic Group-X] commits an unspeakable act, it doesn't necessarily mean that all people of [Demographic Group-X] are cut from the same cloth. Although there are those out there quite eager to make that connection, of course. Yes, I wanted to reserve judgement and not jump to conclusions. I was pretty sure that Hasan was just your average everyday guy, who just happened to freak the fuck out, who just happened to start shooting people, and just happened to be Muslim. Not that I would consider this normal behavior, but I think we've all seen instances proving that this sort of shit can happen to any race, creed, or religion -- as the residents of Orlando found out a couple of days later. Personally, I think CAIR's time would be better spent trying to distance the Islamic faith from this sort of shit, rather than the acts of one lone gunman who seems to have flipped his fucking wig. I didn't think Hasan's actions reflected any more upon Islam, than Timothy McVeigh's actions did upon pasty white guys with flat top haircuts.

But then the fun started. Then the other shoe dropped. Then maybe Hasan wasn't just a guy who cracked after all. Then there were multiple accounts of Hasan shouting, "Allahu Akhbar|God is Great!" began to surface. Now Muslims in the military really are coming under fire. Then heap on the fact that yes while I'm sure the guy has heard some horrific shit in his tenure as a military psychologist, the bottom line is the guy has never actually been deployed to a sandy war zone so I can't see PTSD being a viable excuse.

The ironic part is Hasan's biggest complaint was the anti-Muslim backlash immediately following the 9/11 attacks. And now that a good portion of that hostility has faded away and the country has almost gotten back to it's regular melting pot of apathy, Hasan has just single handedly set the hate clock right back to the morning of 9/12. Way to go, dickface.

Hey Ernie, I managed not to kill anyone on the range. Tell you what though, should I ever be attacked by sheets of paper with circles and numbers on them, I know what to do! I chose a package they call Super Trev's. I thought I would let you know what I thought of each pistol. The trouble is, I could hardly tell the difference between the 9mm and .45 auto pistols. Both were angular, slightly unpleasant beasts to hold. The .45 was a bit louder. I found the .45 a bit harder to reload, but that could be the condition of the particular weapon. of course, while I was shooting, I had to contend with the spent shells of the guy on my left - hot brass raining on me from above was a little distracting. The .357 revolver was a dream. Every shot other than my first (low, left) was in the centre ring or the black dot. Ok, it was only 6 metres, but it was my first try. It was a guided missile launcher. Lovely thing, put satisfying holes in any offensive bit of paper offered up. The "Dirty Harry .44 was hilarious. I have held lighter rifles. It was like a cartoon cannon. I have no idea how I shot with it, I struggled to keep my eyes open as I squeezed the trigger after the first shot. There some frigging big holes in the target at the end, so I must have got some in. I always knew Clint was a better man than me. I strolled out of there having shot better than my mate, had small burns on my hand from the .44, black powder up my arm and felt rather manly. Yeah, I see the attraction. Still don't want one strapped to me when I am down the shops though. Cheers, Iain

Taylor Swift on Saturday Night Live and I have to admit she looked pretty damned good. Who ended up paying the ultimate price for breaking the rules? Why that would be Kanye West.

P.S. Julie, if you happen to be out there reading this, your ex boyfriend still misses you very much.

rare footage of bill hicks interviewed by chicago radio personality on his worst gig ever.

today marks the 20th anniversary of tearing down the berlin wall.

"i love you, mr. star wars" and other famous movie quotes.

mom, dad... your tuition money has been well spent. sorta nsfw.

cool, pretty cool, lame, pretty lame: social hierarchy org charts through the years.

levi johnston (knocked up sarah palin's daughter) gets his tweets read by william shatner.

November 7, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Go Out And Shoot A Bunch Of People Weekend Joke Here.

herd of elk vs nissan murano.

who said it: sarah palin or anna nicole smith.

i'm sorry, did someone order a three pack of thong videos?

man skydives. parachute doesn't open. bonus: he's got a helmetcam.

if you ain't cheatin, you ain't tryin. melissa lambert is my new fucking hero.

nicolas cage is broke because of cobra venom and dinosaur skulls.

once you switch to firefox, jesus can help you block porn, too.

what did the last lehman brothers employee do all day?

hidden secret inside the balloon boy story.

November 6, 2009

Yarrrrr! I Guess She Be A Butt Pirate, Me Matey! Yarrrr!

Here's a really cool computer animation of how a virus invades your body. It's good to know while you're on your deathbed from THE SWING FLU OMG, or in prison getting buttfucked by a guy with full blown AIDS or some other STD.

Reason number 490,284 to keep an eye on your local newspaper: you catch gems like this. Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Sorry guys, I'm just back from a flight from Dallas, so in celebration of THE FIRST UPSIRT/NO PANTIES PICTURE FROM MEGAN FOX, Ford has unveiled the car of the future to suit the needs of every American: introducing the 1993 Ford Taurus. "I like it because it has heat and air conditioning, so my family can live in it year round." Ahh, it would be funny if it weren't so true.

Hey remember Debbie Gibson? Yeah, the Shake Your Love Debbie Gibson, aka the Mega Shark Debbie Gibson, if you prefer that. Well anyway, it seems she's turned into some piece of ass, eh?

I can't tell you how many emails I've gotten that follow the same script: "Like you, I resisted jumping on the Firefox bandwagon, thinking it was more of a fad than functional. But since you wouldn't shut the fuck up about it, I decided to give it a try and holy shit, you're right. Now after trying another web browser, I really can step back and see Internet Explorer for the raging piece of shit that it truly is. Cheers, INSERT YOUR NAME HERE."

Ernie, Thank you for recommending Firefox. I just downloaded it 15 minutes ago and already love it. I didn't know that it was IE fucking up my system. I was about to throw the thing out the window and buy a new one. Again thanks and keep up the good stuff! Rudy

Ernie.... Thank you for the link to Firefox and the wee bit of prompting to switch to it. I did not realize how bad that IE 8 was until I switched to Firefox......for that, I thank you. Love the site...... Regards, Stephen

Attention Oskiller, this Bud's for you. And by Bud, I mean how to resolve your no-image issue, sent in by no less than fifty people. They're probably all nerds, but that's okay. Anyway, it's actually an extremely simple procedure that at first may look a little daunting, but trust me it's a piece of cake. Even this doll could so it.

Step 1. Open Firefox. Duh.

Step 2. In the address bar type "about:config" and press Enter. And that's without the quotes, dumbass.

Step 3. You will be greeted by a humorous message that warns you may be violating Firefox's warranty. It's funny because there is no warranty. Click "I'll be careful, I promise" to continue.

Step 4. You will now see a long ass list of parameters and the one we're looking for is "network.http.sendRefererHeader". Don't worry, they're alphabetized so scroll down to the N's and find "network.http.sendRefererHeader". Notice that the value for this parameters is something other than 2 -- I don't know what the fuck your is set to, but know it ain't 2.

Step 5. Double click on the "network.http.sendRefererHeader" line and a small popup box will open, allowing you to change the value. Make it "2" and press Enter.

Step 6. That's it. You're done. There is no Step 6.

Step 7. Oh, okay.

Fucking great, is there anything this asshole can't do? Next thing you know he'll be rescuing puppies from a burning building. Between these assholes and the Philly fan that fell off the cab, I don't know who's douchier.

Great Scott! it looks like Doctor Brown's time machine is on ebay! Oh don't worry, the real one is safely tucked away at Universal Studios.

The hottest babes at ESPN: Erin Andrews was a gimme but Shannon Spake in a firesuit trackside was an nice unexpected touch. Boy I'd sure let her blow into my breathalyzer, if ya know what I'm sayin.

steak house or gay bar? you make the call.

saudis issue 'culture clash' guide for travelers abroad.

fhm's comprehensive buyer's guide to lingerie. with video evidence.

interviewing with google? you might want to brush up on these brainbusters.

can someone tell me how that short little insignificant fuck keeps pulling such quality ass?

November 5, 2009

Wow This Daylight Savings Is Fucking Me All Up.

There are heroes everywhere. The person who calls 911 on their domestically abusive neighbors. The mentally challenged kid who bags your groceries. The person who rings up a $700 bar tab at 7 in the morning, who also goes by the handle "Kiefer Sutherland".

Ernie, Ernie, Ernie are you so ever right. Just as soon as I dumped that turd of a web browser Internet Explorer my computer exploded with greatness. Mozilla Firefox is by far the better of the two. Keep those tips flyin' brotha. Yours faithful forever, 'Billyboy

Ernie, I've tried several of the softwares you've talked about and liked them, but have always been hesitant about Firefox for some reason. Well after your review I tried it this morning and all I can say is "I've been a dumbass!!". Much faster. Thanks for the tips and details on it. John in MI

Honestly John, I was quite hesitant to jump on the Firefox bandwagon at first, too. Internet Explorer had such a comfortable feel to it that I wasn't too keen on giving up. It's like when you've been driving the same car for ten years, you know where all the buttons and dials are and can find all of them without even taking your eyes off the road. Then one day you find yourself sitting in a new car and right before you round a corner, you turn your windshield wipers on when you mean to put your turn signal on. It definitely takes some getting used to. I figured shit, it doesn't cost anything to download, so I did and slowly but surely made the switch. But hey, I'm not forcing this on anybody, I'm not one of these douchebags who doesn't understand that no means no. But after you've used it for a month or so, you'll find it's pretty perfect.

Ernie, I have to wholeheartedly agree, Firefox kicks IE's ass. There are some specific sites I use IE for 'cuz the webmasters there are dumbasses and they don't work quite right with Firefox, but I use Firefox for everything else... even at work. However, I have to take some exception to your claim that there aren't "splash all over the fucking screen" ads in Firefox... evidence the screenshot I took of the splash up ad covering Pink's tits on the site you linked to today. It's possible I have one too many add-ons, or maybe you've been extremely lucky not to have the same problem in the past five months you've been using Firefox, but it's not immune to annoying ads either.... topher

Heya Ernie, Hate to break it to you but Google Chrome allows those annoying expanding banner adds too. Took a few refreshes to bring one up on but eventually one came up. Brian

Huh. Well, sucks to be Chrome. I guess I was talking out of my ass on that one, eh? I presume it's still a hundred times more stable that IE. As for Topher's ads? Hey man, it's a way of life with porn.

Old and busted: $50k to turn your garage into a Pan-Am first class cabin. The new hotness: $100k to turn your garage into a wrecked submarine. Complete with a working periscope, because hell, what good would it be without that.

Ernie, I definitely agree that FireFox is a great browser, however something on your site is driving me nuts when I use FireFox. For some reason, the pictures for the links never show up! I have double checked all the settings and cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell I'm doing wrong. I searched your archives and could not find what I was looking for (I know you probably posted a solution, so I feel like an idiot not finding it). I've attached a screen shot so you can see what I'm talking about. Keep up the great work! Oskiller

I know what that is, someone wrote in once with a solution (some configuration change), and I'll be fuck all if I can find it now. It's got something to do with the way Firefox is all super into privacy and not showing the referring url, so you're running into the htaccess issue I've mentioned before. So if any of you little Asian guys out there know what setting to toggle, let me know so I can post it.

There is actually very little known about what exactly causes a knockout but many agree it has to do with minor trauma to the brain stem. This usually happens when the head rotates sharply, often caused by a strike. There are three general manifestations of such trauma - the typical knock out which results in a sustained loss of consciousness (comparable to general anesthesia - where the recepient emerges and has lost memory of the event), a "flash" knock out where a very transient loss of consciousness (<3 seconds) occurs where the recipient often maintains awareness and memory of the combat, and lastly a "stunning" where consciousness is maintained despite extremely distorted proprioception, visual fields, and auditory processing. Here are some examples.

Hi Ernie: Funny you wrote today's posting on browsers. I have tried to discipline myself not to go to erniestreet or wikibits since that fucking stuff comes up and most usually locks up my browser. This happens at work since I always tune in when I think you will have an update to your site. What a pisser to have to close windows and sometimes restart my work computer to get rid of the stuff, and yes, I have muttered cuss words about you including that junk in your links. Now, O wise one, I understand. I will try Firefox tonight if I don't get bitched at by the wife for being on the computer too long. I am good for at least another $100 for LBEH again this year. Remember, last year I finally signed up for PayPal so you wouldn't have to hassle with my check as in previous years. Keep up the good work Ernie, and the dogs away from the other's throats. John, Dothan, AL

Hey Ernie long time reader first email. I tried Firefox for the first time thanks to you. Now I can actually scroll down and see all of Before all I could see was the first link or two now.. well you already know. Thanks for the motivation. Roger

Ahh, yes, one more thing I forgot to mention about expanding banner ads and IE. For some fucked up reason, whenever there was an expanding ad loaded anywhere on the page, the vertical scrollbars disappeared. Fucked up, eh? So for example with Wikisnaps, the only article you could see was the top one. So if you went there today you could read all about the Claymore Antipersonnel mine, but would have no idea that just below that, Traci Lords was waiting. That was a tremendous pain in the balls for me. Oh, and I keep meaning to make a 'suggest an article' link on Wikisnaps, so if anyone would like to see a particular topic featured let me know. In the meantime, try not to be a douchebag.

these are two of the most awesome dudes to have ever walked the earth.

jason bourne + iraq / weapons of mass destruction = green zone.

how to order a beer... in seven different languages.

things you did in high school but still talk about.

a tribute to awesome mexican airbrushed tailgates

the brazilian pygmy gecko has a pretty unique defense against drowning.

November 4, 2009

Let's Talk About Internet Ads Today.

First the big ass John Deere combine attacked a Chevy, then a runaway train went after a gaggle of them, and now a crazy bitch takes her turn. Boy, Chevy is catching hell lately, no? Oh, I'm sorry. She's not a crazy bitch, she's just a very passionate person. But I would like to know what brand golf club that was; it's a durable fucker.

But now I'd like to ramble for a minute or two about how internet advertising works, specifically our old friend the banner ad. You see within the past few months, an (annoying) new form of internet advertising has crept up, building upon what has been the staple of online advertising for years, the banner ad; and hence expanding banner ads were born. What's that? Ever been sitting in your mancave, thumbing through a magazine with a couple of thick pages in the middle, forming this little gap and like it or not, the fanning motion always seems to wind up stopping at some obnoxious cologne ad? I really hate that. Not because the magazine is doing advertising -- it's how they pay the bills -- but because that particular piece of advertising is so in your fucking face. That's kind of how I feel about some of the expanding banner ads that are out there right now. Not all of them mind you, hell even CNN has expanding banner ads now, just the ones that fuck up the site you're trying to read. Now your first instinct would be to blame the webmaster that owns the site, for putting up such shitty ads. God knows, I've made many such a complaint in the past. But since I started Ernie Street, its really opened my eyes as to how the whole online advertising machine works because every time I get a complaint I feel like a complete douchebag. So I'm going to give you a quick what's what on how internet advertising works. For starters we should understand a few terms.

The Advertiser is the company looking for customers and whose banner you actually see: Ford, Dell, Pizza Hut, Playboy, Adult Friend Finder, etc.

The Publisher is the guy whose site you're actually reading and displaying the banner ads: Ernie Street, CNN, USA Today, Fark, Stile Project, Comedy, etc.

And finally the advertisers and publishers are brought together by the Ad Network: Google Adsense, Casale Media, Burst Media, Underdog Media, Tribal Fusion, etc.

When a Publisher signs up with an Ad Network, they don't go through and individually pick and choose which of the Advertiser's ads they're going to display... you're either all in or you're all out. The only real customization that can be performed is the size: long flat horizontal banner, tall tower style banner, square banners, etc. Once that's selected, you get one tiny snippet of code to install on your website, and that code pulls the corresponding banners from the Ad Network's website. And those banners are displayed according to some algorithm that tries to match it up with the site's content and does so indiscriminantly; very few Ad Networks will allow a Publisher to say, "okay I'll display that one, but not that one." Because of this, the Ad Network has an obligation to screen the Advertiser's ads; make sure there's no malicious code (which they sometimes do, the rat bastards), to make sure there's no errors that would cause a Publisher's web page to be displayed incorrectly, to make sure the ads are of the correct dimensions, etc. But occasionally, something sneaks through and fucks everything up. So when you come across something like this, there are two ways to address it. The first is easy, simply F5 to refresh the page and chances are you'll pull a different banner. This isn't so much a solution as it is a temporary work around, much like stepping over a thumbtack on the floor instead of bending over to pick it up.

The real solution is this -- and I'll admit it's a little hard to swallow for some of you like me, who are set in their ways -- ditch that piece of shit browser Internet Explorer. You see, expanding banner ads? THEY ONLY FUCKING HAPPEN IN INTERNET EXPLORER. Do they happen in Firefox? Nope. Google Chrome? Nope? Apple's Opera? Nope. It's only that piece of shit Internet Explorer that renders expanding ads and fucks it up for everyone else. Listen, I resisted switching to Firefox, too. Internet Explorer was so easy and familiar, I was like why bother? Well hear me now as a person who has been using Firefox for the past five months, and have come to the conclusion that anyone still using Internet Explorer is out of their fucking mind.

Another reason to switch away from Internet Explorer is because it's an unstable piece of shit. Wanna see a spectacular pair of tits? Go here. Now if you're running IE, after a few seconds you'll suddenly realize that your browsing session just locked up; your computer isn't frozen, it's just Internet Explorer. Why did this happen? is there something wrong with the web page? Nooooo, I can show you a hundred different pages on a hundred different sites that do the exact same thing. The problem is Internet Explorer is a piece of shit. Do a CTRL-ALT-DEL, go to processes and see how much CPU time Internet Explorer is chewing up. That's right, the whole fucking thing! And if you wait thirty seconds, Internet Explorer will realize it's fucking retarded, and ask you, "Hey should I stop being retarded?" OF FUCKING COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO SAY YES, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY EVEN ASK YOU? But view the same page in Firefox and guess what -- NO PROBLEM. You know why? Because Firefox isn't a piece of shit like Internet Explorer. I've walked away from browser sessions and left Explorer on overnight, only to find my computer locked up tighter than a drum the following morning, due to the processor overheating. Seriously, Internet Explorer sucks.

In short, if you're having any kind of browsing issues; pages displaying incorrectly, blind forward to bullshit anti-virus programs, browser lockups... it's not that easy to identify the true source of the problem. But I'll bet you a dime to a bucket of shit you're using Internet Explorer. Do me a favor -- do yourself a favor -- give Firefox a whirl. Remember, you can have two browsers installed at the same time, so if you don't like Firefox (which you will) you can always switch back to Internet Explorer (which you won't). Just fucking try it. That or Google Chrome, I don't care. Just try anything besides Internet Explorer. Do that, and if you still have problem browsing the sites I link to, I promise to kiss your balls (or vagina) and give you an hour to draw a crowd.

Here's an example of a Halloween prank that went wrong, and one that went right. MSgt Myers was a little early on his return and I'm a little late on this one, but of all the folks who robbed of Nobel Peace prizes and ending with, well, you know.

It's not the Summer of '69 anymore, and I didn't know Bryan Adams was an accomplished photographer, either. And by 'accomplished' I mean, he got to take pictures of Pink's pair of tits, which actually are quite spectacular as well. Of course you can follow Bryan Adams on Twitter, should you choose.

jack satin’s calculations of the bill from the hangover.

what do these celebrities have in common? warning, vomit inducing.

three cheers for the houston texans for having the most patriotic cheerleader outfits.

the jake/fart jokes have gotten old on two and a half men. but fortunately, the boob jokes still work.

November 3, 2009

Remember, Today Is Twenty-five Cent Tacos At The O!

Step 1: Build a motorized La-Z-Boy chair, powered by a lawnmower engine. Step 2: Get arrested for DUI while operating said chair. Step 3: Profit!

What the hell? I guess this guy was just as pissed as I was that Kentucky didn't rank a little higher in this list of Hottest Student Bodies of 2009.

Ernie, Check out this meth addict before and after getting into meth. Keep up the fine work, Justin

Wow, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that 8/6/2009 picture is a girl who's ready for some help. I'm ready for some help myself; I need help in identifying this snake. You know, sometimes I sit back and wonder, just what the fuck are some white people thinking?

Become a guru of gravity and a master of motion! Addictive, cool and original - Inertia is a challenging physics based game with a polished look, great gameplay, and is quite addicting. Use the arrow keys to move, keep your wheel on the screen and collect the circles for points.

Ernie - Here's a video from Fox News I thought you might like. It's about a Navy Reserve LCDR who rescues a dog while on deployment to OEF. Apparently, the dog was lost in transit between Afghanistan and Chicago. So his sister got involved and got the dog back here. She ended up writing a book about the whole deal afterwards. I know there are stories about rescuing dogs every day, but not too often do they go to this extent. It seemed worth the effort to drop you the link. Pretty much the polar opposite from the ball'less cockbites who have to prove their manhood by beating dogs or whomever. Keep up the ass-kickin'! Mike

Michael Myers never says a word for the entire movie of “Halloween.” In fact, according to his doctor, he never said a word for the 15 years leading up to the events that take place during “Halloween.” So, like we did for Daniel LaRusso before, we decided to take a crack at figuring out what Michael Myers would’ve Tweeted throughout the course of the movie. We’re thinking it would’ve gone down something like this... OMG, my sister is making out with some guy. I’m watching from outside the window. I’m totally gonna spy on her. 9:32 PM Oct 31, 1963 from Tweetie. Nope, changed my mind, I’m gonna kill her instead. 9:33 PM Oct 31, 1963 from Tweetie.

Hey Ernie, Was trying to find the story behind the destroyed revolver that was on the site a couple days ago, and came across this. Looks similar to the pictures you posted, but I believe it's a different gun. The guys story is scary - at least he was a man about it and didn't blame the firearm. And here's a thread that claims to be the original guy from the pictures the other day - second round thru the gun ever he claims with factory loads. Rick.

That's just fucking crazy. Novice gun-boy that I am, I just don't think that I could ever warm up to the idea of handloading my own rounds. All it takes is one slip of the hand when you're measuing out the powder, double load one of them and boom! Everything comes crashing down around you the next time you're at the range. No thanks. I'll just as soon shell out $30 a box and keep my face.

Hey ernie, long time reader. Saw this and immediately thought of you... it will be the greatest Halloween ever! ...Ok, gotta finish downloading My name Is Bruce. Danny.

The replaying of the Evil Dead Trilogy, I await with baited breath. The remake of Evil Dead, I dunno man, the jury is still out on that one. Sometimes it seems that no matter how well intended, some directors just don't know when to leave their best works alone. It's like a painter and one more brush stroke spoils a masterpiece. For example, George Romero has another zombie flick coming out, Survival of the Dead, and uh, I dunno. Somehow it just seems to lack that late 70's charm that's to prevalent in his earlier works that we all know and love. But at least he's still smart enough to work exclusively with slow zombies. Anyway, we'll see how that turns out.

Greeting Ernie, The USS Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum was another crazy adventure. Seymour Grazoo wowed the crowds as the warm weather caused him to slowly liquefy, literally rotting as fast as I carved him. He was getting mighty gooey when I left this afternoon. I told Zee and Daphne that they better pull him into the Dumpster tonight cause when he collapses putrid pumpkin is going everywhere and you'll never get it out of the guts of that helicopter! I love being Lucky Ernie, I'm down on 55th at the Shoreham at what is not more than a 100ft from my door, but your personal favorite, a Five Guys Burger! You're right sir, best damn burger out there. Patrick

Ahhh, Five Guys, how my heart pines for thee. My heart also continues to pine for April Macie, as this week she reveals she's into porn and double penetrations. Woo hoo!

one two three, four five six, seven eight nine, ten eleven twelve, ladybugs, came to the ladybugs' picnic.

the original V television series in its entirety. marc singer looks like a poor man's kevin bacon.

wow, and i thought growing up an ernie was tough. try being a harry potter.

ten year old boy takes his wile e coyote costume way too far.

how to really browse the web without leaving a trace.

the bloodiest adult swim moments of 2009.

November 2, 2009

Universal's Halloween Horror Nights Was, Eh, So-So-This Year.

Well, I can all but guarantee the economy is recovering, because the average wait to get into the attractions at Universal's Halloween Horror Nights was around 30-40 minutes each, as compared to 10-15 minutes last year. In other words, there a shitload more people this year than I remember there being last year. So next time? Express Pass.

For those of you who haven't been, Universal Studios in Orlando puts on a hell of a Halloween bash. Well truth be told, all of the theme parks down here do it, I just happen to think Universal's is the best. The park is large enough to where it's not too crowded, although like I said it was more so this year than last. They've usually got four or five big attractions based upon movies that Universal has put out in the past year; I thought last year's was a better crop, with mohawk wearing guys chasing at you with chainsaws at the Doomsday exibit, but I guess they cycle the themes each year. This year was Wolfman (very lame), Dracula (I didn't make it), Chucky (downright stupid - who the fuck gets scared by a 2' tall doll?), and Saw IV (didn't waste 90 minutes in line). They had a few other haunted houses set up that weren't too bad: the Spawnings and Leave it to Cleaver, but they still weren't in the same league as last year's House of Zombies. The random costumed characters walking around with machetes and face fungus and a long walk down a path illuminated only by jack-o-lanterns, completed the nice spooky effect.

The one attraction I make an effort to hit each year is the Bill and Ted's Excellent Halloween Review. Trust me, it's a hundred times cooler than it sounds; it's a thirty five minute show that spoofs all of the top internet memes of 2009. If you've got half an hour to spare, it's an extremely entertaining show and you can watch it on this Youtube video, but remember to watch all four parts. You even get to see the occasional boobie. The one I saw had the blonde dancer was in a different costume for the opening dance sequence I saw, dressed up as The Bride from Kill Bill. She's a little curvier than Uma Thurman is, but she still wore the costume quite nicely, big tits and all.

So yeah, I was a little disappointed this year, I definitely plan on going back for next Halloween. But like I said, it's Express Pass time, baby.

I think someone should cock punch nate. maybe if he wasn't such a raging doucher, he'd know what it felt like to have somebody (or somedog) love him unconditionally even though he's obviously a giant doucher. luke

Just in case Earl gets stuck in the sand while at the beach. Karl.

The late model Chevy pick-up was towing the trailer (notice the hitch is ripped from the truck). The driver ran a stop sign and drove into the feeder house of the combine. It is a wonder the driver of the pick up survived. He got through this with fairly minor injuries (I'm told). Would have been a different story for any passengers. Note how far the combine pushed the truck into the ground!!! The driver of the combine was not hurt. Incredible. Chris.

Wow, pretty graphic photos there, Chris. They would almost make a good commercial for Chevy, eh? Question: Exactly what does "graphic dog vomit" look like? Answer.

home of cool: kids bedroom design with 100" ceiling tv.

the pregonaut - a non-breeder's journey into the unkown.

bikini chick comes full force with a kick to the reporter's nuts.

creative uses for after halloween pumpkins, starting with a bra.

sloppy seconds: the sexiest women who can't say no to athletes., the world's first and only truly free adult megasite. NSFW.

this is a robbery. put all your money in here, no bait, no alarm and I have a gun.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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