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December 31, 2009

The End. Fin. Kaput. Finis. No Mas. GTFO. Buffet Over. No Riquor To Go.

One of the best parts about any action movie, besides seeing the hottie get banged or the villain appropriately snuffed like a used cigar, is the explosions. Explosions are without fail, a climax of epic proportions. Nothing beats seeing a boat, human, Volkswagen or building just blow the fuck up. But not all explosions are created equal, much like women. Some are crazy, others lame, and others are the cream of the crop. These are explosions that you will never forget once you’ve seen them.

An escaped prisoner has celebrated his first Christmas on the run by taunting police with photos of himself on Facebook. On Christmas Day, Craig 'Lazie' Lynch, 28, even posted a photo of himself adorned in tinsel, making a rude gesture and holding a turkey. Lynch has been on the run from Suffolk's Hollesley Bay Prison since September but rather than hide from police he has regularly updated them on his movements via the social networking service.

Marisa Miller was born to be a swimsuit model and destined to find the beach as the key to her success. Born and raised in the coastal town of Santa Cruz, attention came to Marisa early, and by 20 she was a regular in Perfect 10 magazine. It was Mario Testino, the famed Peruvian photographer, who launched Marisa’s career as it would be known – working for both Victoria’s Secret and a regular in Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issues. Marisa has appeared in every issue since 2002, including gracing the cover in 2008.

Tiger Woods will probably never have a movie made about his transgressions simply because signing off on something like that would reveal too much about his life (Sorry, Cuba Gooding Jr.!). But that shouldn't stop us from thinking about casting a film on Woods' life ... which is why we've gone ahead and filled all the roles for A Tiger's Tale (that's a working title -- we're open to changes). As you can see, there's potential for a star-studded ensemble.

This commercial for Fleggaard, the Dutch version of Amazon.com, takes gratuitous, unnecessary nudity to the next level. The spot, advertising a sale on Siemens brand washing machines, is a symphony of bare breasts. A team of highly sexed, big-breasted women march towards a plane with a James Bond-type figure. They board the plane, it takes off, and the girls proceed to remove their tops.

Well, if you've been looking for a Delorean Time Machine, look no further. This is the most screen accurate Back to the Future Delorean Time Machine replica to ever appear on eBay. It is a real masterpiece. You might be asking yourself why it's so expensive? Well, try to build a super-accurate Delorean Time Machine yourself, and you'll quickly see how time consuming it is. That last 20% of accuracy takes 500% more time and effort.

But whether you're in a Delorean time machine or not, remember tonight is the night for amateur drunk drivers to come out of the woodwork, so let's play it safe out there, especially if you're walking on a busy road. Oh, and if you know what's good for you, you won't click this. See you in 2010, bitches!

the twelve oddest stories of 2009.

ten people we all need to fucking kill in 2010.

jfk sunbathing with naked women picture a hoax. awww.

ghostbusters 3: "plans to shoot next summer and release in 2011".

screw mike leach, here's an alabama vs. texas: cheerleader showdown.


December 30, 2009

Only One More Day To The Big 2010.

It was a year of Hope -- at first in the sense of ``I feel hopeful!'' and later in the sense of ``I hope this year ends soon!'' It was also a year of Change, especially in Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi. As a result Washington, rejecting ``business as usual,'' finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at it and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing trillions of taxpayer dollars at it. To be sure, it was a year that saw plenty of bad news. But in almost every instance, there was offsetting good news: BAD NEWS: The economy remained critically weak, with rising unemployment, a severely depressed real-estate market, the near-collapse of the domestic automobile industry and the steep decline of the dollar. GOOD NEWS: Windows 7 sucked less than Vista. Read more of Dave Barry's year in review.

A 250th anniversary is impressive to say the least. To celebrate, Guinness released a 250th Anniversary Stout. It would never do as a replacement for The Black Stuff, but this hoppier version is familiar enough to keep any dyed-in-the-wool Guinness drinker happy. A full library of beer reviews can be found here.

Here's the full HD trailer for Olivia Munn and Eva Amurri's Sci-Fi blockbuster, that blends the outstanding visual effects of 'Avatar' with the touching story of friendship from 'Thelma & Louise.' Do you remember Rebecca Romijn as Mystique? Yeah it's kind of like that, only with much bigger tits.

It's amazing how classic lines can stir ones soul. I never tire studying a classic beauty. I sent this to you because I imagine you appreciate classic lines and beauty; no there's no need to thank me --- it's what friends are for. Michael

Larry's Truck and Electric of McDonald, Ohio is most recently notable for disposing of large quantities of units from Union Pacific and CN, many of which can still be found on its lot in various stages of disassembly. Some units are in running condition and are resold or leased out. The rest are scrapped. However, LTE has been in this business for some years, there's a huge backlog of units waiting for scrapping, and the dead lines must contain hundreds of first- and second-generation units from Amtrak, UP and component roads, CN and component roads, CP, VIA, and many others.

Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us. Now we have Obama but no Hope and no Cash. George

You should get a kick out of this little jingle. Bill.

I have loads of difficulty with this post but am submitting it purely because (at the 3:20 mark) it shows the excision and expulsion of a chicken’s cyst. My problems with it? Hataw Pinoy — cockfighting. A cruel human activity. So… I know in advance that this won’t make anyone’s Hit Parade of Pus Videos. I just thought it was interesting. And if anyone speaks tagalog, maybe you can translate some of Dr. Teddy Tanchanko’s erudite observations.

great collection of fake megan fox nudes. nsfw.

the daily show's best sarah palin moments of 2009.

guy plays a balloon. no seriously, better than a fucking guitar.

high speed camera footage of a girl slapping her extremely firm ass.


December 29, 2009

I See The Holidays Are Even Rough On Supergirl.

In Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds, Eli Roth stars as Staff Sergeant Donny Donowitz, second in command of the Basterds. A "baseball bat-swinging Nazi hunter" from Boston who is known as "The Bear Jew" among German servicemen. Some of them fear that Donowitz is in fact a vengeful golem summoned by an angry rabbi. According to Roth, the baseball bat he wields is signed by all the Jews from his neighborhood in Boston. According to his decals, Donowitz is in the 29th Division. Tarantino reportedly wanted Adam Sandler to play the role of Donowitz, but he declined due to schedule conflicts with the film Funny People. Roth, a professional film director, also directed the film-within-a-film, Nation's Pride, which alludes to German wartime propaganda films.

And the current leader in the Don't Shoot Your Eye Out challenge is Kim with 9,373,036 followed by Steve with 9,075,862. Only two more days left to this annual tradition!

I was visiting Cozumel this weekend. We stopped at a restaurant to get a few drinks and some food. I walked into the bathroom and opened the lid to this. Made me wonder what my evening would be like. TJ

Dystopian films cover such a rich and wide variation of themes that picking the top fifteen is just about impossible. Pretty much every film in which the future is shitty is considered dystopian, so that means everything from post-apocalyptic to corporate control to biological viruses. It’s a huge field, but here are doubtlessly some of the best.

After the crotchbomb there has been a lot of noise about airplane security again - but what's the actual risk of an airplane attack? Here's the definitive chart.

My kinda bridesmaids! Shumpy

Looking back is easy. Hindsight can easily tell us who some of the best athletes were, but figuring out who they are going to be is the tough part. Just look at ESPN's NEXT issues. For every one they get right, they get two horribly wrong. That same kind of difficulty applies in figuring out who the hot athletes will be. There are so many, but it's almost impossible to figure out just who will blow up and who will be a name only hardcore fans know. That's why I'm here. This list is composed of names you may not know now, but you will in 2010 and names that you may know already but are poised for breakout years, which will make them even bigger. Here's an article that features Allison Stokke and fourteen other broads with hard to pronounce names.

I was recently in the hospital and I dont watch TV out of feeling dumed down when I do. Sooooo I starting reading and editing the hospital papers handed to me. I thought of you and thought you could use it. I check the site everyday and appreciate all you do. Boobies, vets, animals... you're a good man! TIII

The year is 1999. Bill Clinton is the President of the United States, gas is 94 cents a gallon, Bondi Blue iMacs are a staple in dorm rooms across the country, and Microsoft is trying to bring the desktop Windows experience to the pocket, pushing its Palm-size PC concept (after Palm had quashed the original "Palm PC" branding) on a world still feeling jilted by the failures of the Apple Newton. 3Com subsidiary Palm and its heavyweight licensee Handspring have figured out something interesting about the still-nascent PDA market, though: people like simplicity. If an electronic organizer does what it says it's going to do, keeps your information in sync with your PC, runs for forever and a day on a single set of batteries, and does it all with a minimum of fuss, people will buy. Yes, it's been ten years of Blackberry.

Ernie, I haul equipment for a construction company in phoenix. This was the sign for one of the other contractors on the same job as we were! Thomas

Like most people, you’ve probably waited till after the holidays to think about getting back in shape. It’s an annual ritual for many of us, but that doesn’t make it any less important. Step one for many of us will be joining a gym, and now is a good time to be looking, as many gyms are offering all sorts of promotions and discounts during the holiday season through January. The New York Times has a good article on getting a deal on a gym membership.

remember the head alien anna from the new tv series V? well here are her boobies. nsfw.

what makes the usa awesome? live television, for one thing.

r/c plane with onboard camera vs incoming fireworks = cool.

old and busted: dramatic chipmunk. new hotness: dramatic chimpmunk's dramatic escape.


December 28, 2009

This Week Is Going To Be Very Tough On My Liver.

Seriously, this is the most awesome thing since I watched Bruce Campbell cut off his own hand with a chainsaw. Grooveshark lets you listen to music. Anything you can fucking imagine. It's free to listen online, but you have to pay & download the somgs to play offline. So it's fuycking awesome if you sit in front of a computer for hours on end, like I do.

Each year thousands of adults of all ages and sexual persuasions visit the Olympia Exhibition Centre in London over three days for the ‘Erotica’ event in search of products to enhance their lifestyle. Exhibitors sell everything from clubwear, leatherwear and rubber to fetish, beachwear and lingerie. Here are twenty-four pictures from the three day event including the Fuel Girls – a kick-ass, fire-breathing, rock ‘n’ roll, dance and stunt show.

Hey I'm usually good at identifying what someone is drinking, but this one has me stumped. Does anyone know what kind of a drink this is?

is it almost vacation time for you? The World's 20 Best counts down the top twenty destinations in the categories of hotels, islands, family destinations, adventure, romantic destinations and cities. As there is no presenter, a top team of travel journalists guides us with insights from their own experience to help identify the pinnacles of contemporary travel and leisure.

Ernie, Here is a link you may enjoy. An Antonov-124 suck in the mud. Finally I may have found one link for you, to make up for the hundreds you have provided me. Hope you had a good Christmas, Nate

Here's a very good fake Pauley Perrett picture. And I'd like to note that while Pauley was hotter than Sa\sha Alexander, she doesn't hold a fucking candle to Cote de Pablo. But of course fakes are never as good as the real thing.

Hey Ernie... I found this photo surfing around the net. Looks like a Hasidic Jew Zombie Outbreak to me. I dunno about you, but that's pretty scary!! Dave K.

Oh, and odds are you don't want to click this.

the fifty hottest dead people of the decade.

best christmas freakouts ever. the drunk four year old rules.

thirteen new lessons in customer service from a (good) car salesman.

this year’s top celebrity legal scandals. think whorish beauty pageant contestants.


December 26, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Christmas Weekend Joke Here.

i have a confession to make.

the avatar movie summed up in five frames.

seventy famous people who suffer from zixelsyd.

you better watch out, you better not cry. grampa is coming to town.

i've always found shipbreaking to be quite fascinating. here's how they beach em.


December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas To All. Except Ryan Manning. Fuck Him.

The first truce began on Christmas Eve, 24 December 1914, when German troops began decorating the area around their trenches in the region of Ypres, Belgium, for Christmas. They began by placing candles on trees, then continued the celebration by singing Christmas carols, most notably Stille Nacht (Silent Night). The British troops in the trenches across from them responded by singing English carols. The two sides continued by shouting Christmas greetings to each other. Soon thereafter, there were calls for visits across the "No Man's Land" where small gifts, were exchanged, such as whisky, jam, cigarettes, and chocolate. The artillery in the region fell silent that night. The truce also allowed a breathing spell where recently-fallen soldiers could be brought back behind their lines by burial parties. Proper burials took place as soldiers from both sides mourned the dead together and paid their respects. In many sectors, the truce lasted through Christmas night, but in some areas, it continued until New Year's Day.

The truce occurred in spite of opposition at higher levels of the military. Earlier in the autumn, Pope Benedict XV had begged for an official truce between the warring governments, "that the guns may fall silent at least upon the night the angels sang." It was considered possible by the Germans but angrily denounced by the British who blithely ignored any further peace overtures made by Benedict - although the pope's ten conditions for a lasting peace were largely subsumed by Woodrow Wilson in his "14 Points". British commanders Sir John French and Sir Horace Smith-Dorrien vowed that no such truce would be allowed again, although both had left command before Christmas 1915. In all of the following years of the war, artillery bombardments were ordered on Christmas Eve to try to ensure that there were no further lulls in the combat. Troops were also rotated through various sectors of the front to prevent them from becoming overly familiar with the enemy.

On Christmas Day 1915, after some shouting between both trenches, the Royal Welch Fusiliers got out of their icy trench and greeted the Germans. Bertie Felstead, a Corporal in the Fusiliers, recalled that the Germans probably were already out of their trench before the British got out. He claimed that nothing was planned and that what happened was entirely spontaneous. A football was produced from somewhere – though none could recall from where. "It was not a game as such – more of a kick-around and a free-for-all. There could have been 50 on each side for all I know. I played because I really liked football. I don’t know how long it lasted, probably half-an-hour, and no-one was keeping score." On 21 November 2005, the last remaining Allied veteran of the truce, Alfred Anderson, died in Newtyle, Scotland at the age of 109. It was previously believed that Bertie Felstead, who died on 22 July 2001 aged 106, was the last survivor of the truce, until Anderson was later identified as still living and had taken part in the truce.

Remember, tis the seaon for good will towards men. Except you, Ryan Manning. Fuck you.


December 24, 2009

Ahhh, December 24th. Time To Start My Christmas Shopping.

Well, as always I find it a little difficult to get into the swing of things given there's no snow down here, but I'm slowly warming up to it, so to speak. If you stare at enough red and green decorations, sooner or later you've got to succumb to it. And this year my fucking Christmas tree didn't fall over, which really sucked last year.

Starring a Jesus like James Caan, Fran Dresher (annoying voice, great rack) and Rebecca Gayheart before she ran some kid over, here's the beginning of the Christmas classic about a homicidal, holicidal Claus. And the part of Santa will be played by Bill Goldberg, who is probably the biggest badass Jew in North America. Thanks Charles. And the best ppart? Chris Kattan dies. So don't fuck with Santa, kids.

Heya Ernie, Took this pic of my 11 year old American Pit Bull Terrier a few years ago. Brittany aka "Nanagoat" is an amazing dog, dual champion for showing and weightpull and also a breast cancer survivor. Thought you might like it. Seasons Greetings and keep up the good work. -- Regards, Jason

Hey Ernie, Merry Christmas. I sent a reply to your LBEH email but I'm sure you get ton's every day. I'm glad the LBEH turned out so well this year and I'll help for as long as you do it. I was never in the military but lived in Altus Okla where they had an AF base. This last year was probably the worst I've had in 20 years , not necessarily financially ( I've been with the PD for almost 23 years now) but other ways. Anyways, I thought I'd try to send you a link to a news story. Every year. my precinct does a gift program for residents of an assisted living center for all ages. Doing this puts things into perspective for me. No matter how bad a year I've had, I'm sure any one of these folks would trade with me. Take care and merry Christmas.. Allan. P.S. for the record, I'm the guy in the maroon polo walking at the 1:28 mark of the vid.

Well, that's it. Tomorrow is Christmas. So set out some nice treats for Santa tonight and I'm sure you'll have some nice presents to unwrap in the morning. And you poor bastards stuck over in Iraq and Afghanistan, stay safe.

Yes, 'tis the holiday season again, and back online for 2009 are the Controllable Christmas Lights for Celiac Disease. Once again, three live webcams and X10 technology allows web surfers to not only view the action, but also *control* 20,000+ lights. Heck, you can even inflate/deflate the giant 12' Santa, Elmo, Frosty Family, ifteen foot ballloon, SpongeBob SquarePants, and Homer Simpson - D'OH! The website is totally free (and totally fun) and is one of my zany ways of raising awareness & soliciting donations for Celiac Disease: my two sons have this condition, so it's personal for me. If folks are so inclined, you can make an optional donation directly to the University of Maryland Center for Celiac Research. Over $40,000 has been raised with ... holiday lights - go figure! While people around the world (152 countries last year) enjoy seeing the lights ON, environmentalists will be happy to know that they can turn the lights OFF with a click of the mouse. Better yet, this is the 6th year I'm using Wind Power and even though that is "clean" energy, I even did a Carbon Offset contribution for the 0.6 Tons of CO2 for the ~MegaWatt-Hour of power consumed - that's about the same as *one* cross-country airline trip. Finally, by providing viewing via webcam, you don't need to burn fossil fuels by driving around to see Christmas lights; Al Gore would be proud! But HEY, the couple bucks a day in electrical costs are well worth the joy it brings to people (especially the kids) when they see the display in person and/or on the web. There's even a Hi-Def option, so gather your family around the large screen and open up some Eggnog as the chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. So surf on by, tell your friends, blog about it, spread the word, etc. Merry Christmas and HO-HO-HO! Alek

Man this year flew by. Oh, and you really shouldn't click this.

worst tech movies. i call b.s. because weird science ruled.

dumbass reached for cop's taser. and the cop gives it to him, alright.

ballistic penises and corkscrew vaginas - the sexual battles of ducks. poor lefty.

the year without a santa claus and rudolph the red nosed reindeer.

even a foul mouthed santa needs the government bail out.


December 23, 2009

Wow, It's Christmas Eve-Eve, Already.

It's Christmas time. A time of year when we celebrate family and friends and yadda-yadda-yadda. And we party. Every year the women of the household get final say on the food and the decorations and the festivities. This year, it's time for us to step up as men, and reclaim this as a manly Christmas. And let's be honest. It just wouldn't fucking be Christmas without the annual Don't Shoot Your Eye Out challenge, now would it? And remember for all you sweet-spot shooters... the scores rolls over at 10,000,000 points so the goal is to get as close to but not over. And if you can't play this game, perhaps a nice game of Christmas Story Monopoly is more your speed? Perhaps playing that while watching your favorite Christmas movie? or while visiting the actual house used in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation?

The U.S. Coast Guard released its top 11 video compilation for 2009, highlighting the year's most compelling cases from the work done every day by America's Guardians. The Top 11 is a tribute to the Coast Guard's 11 statutory missions (released Dec 16, 2009).

Hi Ernie, I know you don’t remember me but I was one of the many you helped get home for the holidays back in 2002. Ironically I have a troop caught in the same boat I was. He is Airman Basic (0 stripes) Alex O. He’s in Keesler AFB right now and was caught up in a bind where he won’t be getting paid in time for the holidays and will not be able to purchase a plane ticket on his own. I don’t know if there is anything you can do at this point; I saw your web site and noticed you were all tapped out. But would you please keep this young Airman in mind in the event something does come up? I’m still trying to do what I can on my end. We even tried the Air Force Aid Society, but because it’s not an emergency they can’t assist as they feel they need to save their dollars for those in more need. I understand their stance. Thanks again for considering this, and thanks A BUNCH for the time you helped me. Take care and God bless… Daniel C, TSgt, MNANG

Now that's what I like to see. NCOs looking out for their younger troops. Especially since I was at Keesler for tech school during the Christmas season that prompted this whole LBEH thing to begin with. So did the EHOWA Army hook this Airman up with a ticket? You bet your rosey red American ass, we did. Yeah, I like to think of myself as a Robin Hood of sorts. Because spending the day in an airport is never as much fun as being in a jail cell puffing some chronic with Snoop. Leave Gilligan alone.

general vs zombie? funny. leonidas vs chuck norris? awesome.

nothing says peace on earth like a zombie themes gingerbread house.

comparing mlb teams' offseason strategies to classic board games. red sox = risk, hahahahaha.


December 22, 2009

LBEH, By The Numbers.

As the end of the year draws near, the completion of the 2009 LBEH campaigns is hot on its heels. And as I sat here with my Excel spreadsheet of donations and tickets and frequent flier fees and telephone numbers, one calculation led to another and before you know it I was staring at a plethora of interesting (and useless!) information. And so without any further ado, here is a reviews of this year's Let's Bring em Home campaign, by the numbers. Keep in mind these might change a bit as there is still a little over a week left in the year so there's going to be a few more check runs and we are working one more Okinawa to Sterling, IL ticket.

As of this morning, we have received $87,545.41 in cash donations this year, from a total of 1,024 different people. The mathematical average donation was $85.49, although this number is somewhat skewed thanks to Marjorie P's $5,000, Marc D's $3,000, Erik D's $2,500, and Mitch's $2,000 donations.

A lot of people always ask, "How much should I give?" My answer is always the same: while I don't ever want anyone to donate themselves into bankruptcy, I ask that people give what they can. If you can only comfortably afford to donate $10, then send $10. But if you can comfortably afford to part with $50, then by all means please do so. This year, 236 people did just that as $50 most prevalent donation amount, for a total of $11,800. That was followed by $25 (168 times for $4,200), $100 (165 times for $16,500), and $20 (149 times totaling $2,980). A total of 11 people donated $500 or more and accounted for $18,800 or 21% of the total. Another 57 donated what I consider to be "odd" amounts of money, e.g. $37.31 and not an even $10, $50, or $75 -- those 57 odd donations totaled up to $4,915.41. Among those was Dan V. who originally donated $337.51 to the cause, but then after finding out his ex-boss was laid off, donated another $162.49 in celebration. I also received a total of $75 from people who saved that much by following Howard's suggestion of buying bigger bottles of alcohol.

Going back to that $10 donation, for those of you wrote in and said, "Sorry this is all I can afford to give this year," let me assure you there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. As you gave $10, so did many other people for a total of 58 $10 bills. That $580 was just what we needed to purchase a plane ticket to fly a young sailor from naval Amphibious Base Coronado, located just outside of San Diego, California, to his home town in Hartford, Connecticut -- $574.40. Without YOUR $10 donation, we couldn't have done that.

Of the 153 tickets we purchased this year, 40 went to Marines just back from the shores of Tripoli, 20 went to Army soldiers who were rolling along, 63 went to Sailors weighing anchor, and the remaining 30 to Airmen sailing high into the sun. A total of 7 of those tickets went to the lowest enlisted grade, E1, and most of those were coordinated by supervisors or instructors looking out for their younger troops. An additional 23 went to E2's and 72 more to E3's. Bringing up the rear is the highest of our lower echelon troops, E4's receiving 51 tickets. Well, truth be told it's 50, as one was an E5 but I'll get to that in a minute.

But like your local grocery store we always ask our donors, "Will that be cash or charge?" because we accept not only greenbacks, but frequent flier miles as well. This year, 18 people (really, 19) stepped forward with enough frequent flier miles to secure a flight for a service member. Shorter domestic flights set back some donors 25,000 miles, while the big whammy international tickets set back some 120,000 -- and if our final Okinawa tickets goes through, a staggering 135,000 miles. Perhaps one of the steadfast faces around LBEH, besides the folks that actually book the tickets, is Ryan D who has donated frequent flier miles each and every year since LBEH's inception back in 2001. This year Ryan was the 120,000 mile donor, bringing a young Marine all the way from MCAS Iwakuni, in Yamaguchi, Japan to sunny West Palm Beach, Florida. All said and done, this year we booked 18 flights using 717,500 donated miles -- although me thinks that number will grow by this afternoon.

When LBEH first kicked off this year, I received an letter from a very nice woman named Nancy, who explained that her brother and his expectant wife were stationed all the way up in Alaska, while Nancy and the rest of their family were down here in Florida. She wrote a little about what kind of a person her brother was, how much he loved his country, and how they would very much like the chance to spend time as a family before his THIRD deployment to Iraq. Of course she concluded her letter asking if there was any way we could help bring her brother, Sgt Guzman and his wife home to Florida for one last family Christmas. Nancy also followed her letter up with an email, including her telephone number. And it's here where it falls upon my shoulders to be the bad guy. And I don't like doing it but I know I have to in order to keep this machine moving forward. Each year -- including 17 times this year -- I have to write out rejection letters to people and explain why LBEH can't fulfill their ticket request. Either the applicant is married and stationed with their family, or they've already received a ticket in previous years, or they're too high a pay grade, whatever. And most of these people aren't trying to sneak a fast one by us, it's usually attributed to overly vague emails coming down from their command, giving no more information than, "Hey these guys give free tickets to the military." Once I set the record straight with who we help and why, everyone understands and most are still quite appreciative of what we do for the military.

Nancy was one of those people. When I first called her up and identified myself, I heard her heart leap with relief, only to have me explain to her that no I wasn't calling to offer her tickets for her brother and his wife, but to explain that we couldn't help because her brother didn't fall into the guidelines of who LBEH was designed to help. And despite her disappointment, Nancy took it like a trooper. She was polite, poised, very well spoken, thanked me for getting back to her anyway, and asked if we knew anyone else who might be able to help. After hanging up the phone, I felt like a complete and total dickhead. And newsflash here folks: I didn't start LBEH to feel like a complete and total dickhead. A few curious Google searches later and I found that Nancy had been working her ass off trying to raise money to bring her brother and his wife home, trying to get the word out to anyone who would listen. Surely speaking to me was the closest she had come to accomplishing her goal, and I ended up saying no. And as the next few weeks waned on and more tickets were booked, Nancy's letter sat on my desk, staring at me from underneath my monitor, quietly whispering that I was indeed a complete and total dickhead.

Dear Sir or Madam:

This is humbling and difficult letter for me to write but I hope and pray that it will result in a miracle for one very special Army soldier. I am the proud sister of a 29 year old Army Sergeant, William Guzman, unit 472D M P Co. He is strong and courageous young man who has completed two tours to Iraq and will be sent yet again for a third tour in January 2010. William honors and loves his country. He embraces the duty to serve and to lead his soldiers to safety. He is a man of integrity as he honors God, his family and his country. I can honestly say that one of my brother’s best qualities is his laughter, which has the ability to spread like a wild fire to those who surround him.

My family and I are incredibly blessed that William has made it home safely after every mission he has been sent on thus far. Previously, we have been fortunate enough to visit with him before he leaves for combat to wish him well and say our tearful goodbyes. To our regret, William and his expecting wife, Celia, were uprooted and stationed in FT Wainwright, Alaska earlier this year; while my family remains located in south Florida. We live in two extreme opposite corners of our beloved country.

William has graciously been given the time off to visit with family for two weeks before he ships out to Iraq. It would mean nothing more than to have him home for Christmas before leaving for war, yet again. Our family has monitored airplane tickets daily for William and his wife, and sadly the $ 3,000 price tag is one that we cannot afford to pay. Our family has tried to accept the fact that we may not see our William until he returns from war. It is extremely difficult for me to accept this; I see the sadness that overwhelms my mom, dad, and four brothers to know that we don’t have the means to assist William and Celia home for Christmas. I am obliged to hear stories of communities reaching out for our military men and women across the nation and so I humbly reach out to anyone who is willing and able to provide a miracle for a soldier and his wife come home for the holidays. It will be a wonderful surprise for my Mom, Dad and Sergeant Guzman, but most importantly we would have our brother home for the holidays before he goes off to war, fighting for what he loves most: the gift of freedom that you and I share.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. Please contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx

Blessings,
Nancy

Awesome letter, right? And I told her sorry, no can do. I felt like I had just kicked a puppy. Then came an email from Eddie W, another long time frequent flier donor. We haven't heard from Eddie since way back in 2001 but undaunted by his break, Eddie opened his email with, "Give me someone difficult." And at some point you have to look down at your keyboard and ask yourself, "if I can't help out here then what the fuck am I doing this for?" So I shot an email back to Eddie and explained Nancy's request and I made a deal with Eddie: if he could frequent flier the wife, we would turn a blind eye to the fact that he was married and buy the Sgt's ticket. And so using Eddie's miles and some funds that Nancy's family had managed to raise, they did just that. And in keeping with our end of the deal, we bought the other ticket. They arrive in Miami around 10pm tonight.

Figuring in the fair market value of the frequent flier miles, and we've had $94,520.41 in donations this season -- our best year yet! And who took part in helping bring home these 153 Soldiers, Sailors, Airman and Marines? You did. Well, all of you except Ryan Parsons, of course. He's a fucking asshole.

Ernie, is it just me or does the other guy look like a meth head? Fuck him, I’d take Gypsy any day of the week; twice on Sunday. marty

Dude, you are too funny. That was freaking OUTSTANDING!. I voted for Ron to get his teefuses fixed, and always participate in your little "lessons" when I can. Noticed a few "meth mouths" in that lineup too, btw. Ron didn't seem to fit the description, so good call there! Todd

whats up man. just voted for ron baker. the other guy looks like a meth addled fuckhead anyway. also, get paid tonight (auto deposit on monday nights for some reason) so i can finally throw a few pathetic dollars towards lbeh again. merry christmas you dickhole. haha. Nick

Jesus is sent back to earth by God to clean things up a little but immediately gets a rude awakening to the modern world and the church.

mental note: when doing a burnout, the smoke should be coming from your tires, not your clutch.

interview with model and businesswoman estelle reyna... and her 36d cups.

top 10 ways to answer the question: what do you do?

spencer is searching for a woman who can lie to him better than all the ones.


December 21, 2009

He Chose... Poorly.

Ernie crawls through a small opening in the side of the cliff and enters a Temple. A vast array of chalices is displayed on the altar of this small Temple. Perhaps a hundred or more. Many sizes, many shapes, some gold, some silver, but they all glitter and shine. Ernie is mesmerized by their number and their beauty. And then he realizes that a man is praying at the altar. He has his back turned to Ernie... but he is dressed as what he is! A Grail Knight! [CLOSE ON THE GRAIL KNIGHT] But we can't see the Grail Knight's face. The visor of his helmet is down. Perhaps we see his eyes. When the GRAIL KNIGHT sees Ernie he gets wearily to his feet and, surprisingly, prepares to give combat... taking up his two-handed broadsword... he comes at Ernie, attempting to swing the huge, heavy sword but finding the effort almost too much. Ernie dodges two or three clumsy swings of the sword, making no attempt to fight back... until the Knight, exhausted, drops the sword and collapses. Ernie approaches him and raises the visor and we see that the Knight is a very ancient man. "I knew you'd come, but my strength has left me."

Making the wise choice isn't always an easy thing to do in life. But it is important that we try. I know. That sounds like something of Mrs Crest, my kindergarden teacher from 21 school, would say to us. And so today is lesson time kids. I'd like you all to sit Indian style in a half circle facing me. Ryan, would you come up here please? Good. Now, Ryan has something to say to the class...

At 02:15 PM 12/20/2009, ryan manning wrote: I was wondering if you could help me out? I have a friend who is a finalist in a contest to win dental work. If he wins he will have all of the dental work that he needs performed for free up to $15,000. Please click the link and vote for Scott Farr. This is the best thing I can think of for him to receive this holiday season. Voting lasts till the 22nd and you can vote 1 time per day. Thank you. Ryan Manning. 269-816-xxxx

Now, we all know there's one thing that Ernie hates. And what is it? Does anyone know what that is? Yes, Santa Sam? "A leech?" Yes, that's right, a leech. Someone who only takes from EHOWA without ever contributing anything in return. A selfish person. Always a taker and never a giver. And Ernie always gives us lots of opportunities to give back, doesn't he? Yes, he does. So let's take a closer look and see if Ryan has given back to EHOWA at all...

Date: Sun, 20 Dec 2009 15:29:54 -0500
From: ernie@ehowa.com
Subject: Re: PLEASE help my friend get his smile back

Looking back through 6 years of history I see three emails from you. One picture attachment, one request to help sell your car, and now this. No Happy Birthdays, no help for Daisy, Gypsy, or any of the other animals, no support for LBEH, no happy New Years, not even a Merry Christmas. Why the fuck should I help you?

Well, it doesn't look like Ryan has helped us out at all, does it? No it doesn't. But we'll wait and see what Ryan has to say.

At 04:01 PM 12/20/2009, ryan manning wrote: Fine, don't help. I was just asking for my friend. And I'm the selfish one? Ryan Manning. 269-816-xxxx

I think Ryan is a little confused here, as he seems to think that Ernie is the selfish one? Well, let's just look back and see how much money Ernie has charged Ryan for running EHOWA for the past ten years. Wait. What's that? Zero? You mean he's never charged a single dime? Why no he hasn't! No he hasn't, my little boopsi-woopsies! Maybe we should point that out to Ryan-wyan and see what the little booger has to say? Yes we will! Yes we will!

Date: Sun, 20 Dec 2009 16:11:05 -0500
To: rlm996@live.com
From: ernie@ehowa.com
Subject: RE: PLEASE help my friend get his smile back

"no help for Daisy, Gypsy, or any of the other animals, no support for LBEH" - Not even $5? Really? Yes, you are the selfish one.

Well now, I think that should settle it, don't you boy and girls. See, when you help Ernie with the things he does, Ernie is always willing to help you in the things that you... wait, I'm sorry, did you have something else you wanted to add, Ryan? Oh you do? Well okay, come back up here to the front of the class. Okay, go ahead...

At 04:29 PM 12/20/2009, ryan manning wrote: So what you are saying is that if I asked for help for a beat to hell animal, I'm more likely to get it then a person who needs it? Gypsy should have been put down to begin with. Instead people wasted thousands of dollars on an animal who died soon after anyway. Boy you are doing some good......... Think about it, I'm sure you have and have it all figured out. I do enjoy your site, but realized you really are a dick....... Ryan Manning. 269-816-xxxx

Well now! Hasn't Ryan just turned in a little potty mouth! Now Ryan I don't think that's a nice thing to... oh look kids! Look who just walked in! Yes, it's Ernie! Hi Ernie! yes kiddies, everyone give a big EHOWA welcome to Ernie! Hi Ernie! Oh, why yes Ernie, you can address the class, sure thing!

>Ahem<

My dearest EHOWA family. I do try ever so hard to keep all of you entertained. I really do. And yes, some days are better than others but believe me when I say that each day I spend about five or six hours, slaving away over a hot keyboard putting together my updates for you. And what do I ever ask in return? For myself, nothing. But on occasion yes, I do ask that you lend a helping hand towards the few causes that I support. And in return, I shall give you everlasting life. Well that, some laughs, some boobs and on occasion, support for your own causes. You see, unlike some of us, I don't mind returning the favor.

Now Ryan, we've known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for counsel, for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let's be frank here: you never wanted my friendship. And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt. I understand. You found paradise in America, had a good trade, made a good living. The police protected you; and there were courts of law. And you didn't need a friend of me. But uh, now you come to me and you say -- "Ern Corleone give me help." -- But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you uh ask me to rig a poll, for teeth.

"So what you are saying is that if I asked for help for a beat to hell animal, I'm more likely to get it then a person who needs it?" Let there be no mistake: truer words have never been spoken.

You have insulted me, you have insulted the memory of Gypsy, and most importantly you have insulted that which is EHOWA. And for that, Ryan, you must be punished. But how to punish you? Do I post the remaining four digits to your telephone number? Would that be enough? No, no I don't believe that it would. A few random phone calls, some gay hotlines, maybe an errant pizza or two. A quick sting, but then it would be over like pulling a bandaid off. Now, I want to scar you. I want to tear out your fucking heart and we're both going to watch it slowly stop beating in my hand. We will both watch with wonderment as your life's blood runs down my fingers, pools at the palm of my hand and and drips into a congealed pool under my new slippers.

Upon closer inspection of this dental poll, you will see there are two persons are neck in neck for the $15,000 in free dental work: Ryan's friend Scott Far and another man named Ron Baker. Now I don't know who Ron Baker is, but I can tell you this... it's Ron Baker's lucky fucking day. Ladies and Gentlemen of Ernie's House of Whoop Ass. Readers from far and near. Here is what I ask of you today. Please go to this poll and vote for my new friend RON FUCKING BAKER to get some free dental work. As the holiday season is upon us, surely you will agree that he is most deserving of this this charitable gift. Remember: Vote for Ron Baker To Kick Ryan In His Moneymaker. And then of course you can flush your browser's cookies, and vote again. And again. And again.

That's right Ryan. I read Scott's story. Sad how he feels pain every time he chews. Too bad his friend is such a selfish cockcucker. And so now as the years wane on and you sit across from the table from Scott and see him and his mouthful of brown Chicklets wince every time he bites down on that Royale With Cheese, you know will remember the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON YOU.

the 100 best sports photographs of 2009 - part 1.

just a quick reminder of where your gas money is going.

fifteen painfully annoying news personalities. al roker rules.


December 19, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Before Christmas Joke Here.

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "Well I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Little Charlie and little Timmy are lying in bed Christmas Eve. They can't fall asleep. Finally, at four in the morning, excitement gets the better of them, and they sneak downstairs to see what Santa brought for them. As they read the tags and count the gifts, they see that little Charlie has fifty presents and little Timmy only has one. Little Charlie then says, "Ha ha! I got fifty presents and you only got one, Timmy!" Little Timmy says in reply, "Ha ha! I may only have one present, but you have cancer."

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the Spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped "Didn't you get my e-mail ?"

The three stages of life: You believe in Santa Claus. You don't believe in Santa Claus. You are Santa Claus.

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus? A. North Polish!

Q. What is the most polite thing to do when meeting the son of God? A. Try not to stare at those fucking holes in his hands.

Q. Why do Jews celebrate Hanukah? A. Too cheap to buy trees.

Q. How do they celebrate christmas in Prison? A. They stick trees up your ass.

Q. How do you know that Santa Claus is black? A. Because nobody except a black guy would wear a bright red suit.

Q. What would happen if Santa Claus were Jewish? A. Presents would come C.O.D.

Q. What did the deaf, blind, mute, autistic kid get for Christmas? A. Stomach cancer.

Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A. Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? A. Because it soots him.

Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Santa only come once a year, but it's enough to fill your stockings.

let others share in the misery that is your christmas.

santa and bleebo save christmas with JESSICA BIEL and david koechner.

24 on 34th street - jack bauer vs. a suspicious terrorist from the north pole.

the writers at jimmy killem live are fucking geniuses. we love you lando.

the eight different kinds of drug dealers. no elf jokes, sorry.


December 18, 2009

Yeah, It's Raining Here Too. Seems Fitting, I Guess.

So needless to say, yesterday was a pretty down day for Team Ernie. But today is a new day, things start over, blah-blah-blah. Besides, Christmas is right around the corner.

Way back on August 22, 2005, I posted a quick blurb about the series finale to Six Feet Under. It was an incredible mind-fuck for me, and I presume for anyone else who followed the show. They essentially killed all of the characters. All of them. One right after the other, albeit some of them decades into the future. I literally sat there in bed that night, awake for hours contemplating my own mortality. How will I die? When will it be? Will I be old, or young? Warm in a bed with gray hair, or splattered all along the side of the road? Who would I leave behind? Who would go before me? Yes, it kept me up, I assure you.

So I guess the worst part about hearing of Gypsy's passing -- well you know, aside from the poor fucking dog dying to begin with -- was that it forced me to come face to face with my own dog's mortality. The best the shelter could guess, Bianca was about six years old, but as she is absolutely full of piss and vinegar I think she's closer to five. So barring some unforseen tragedy, I know that she will most likely outlife Ike. And while still quite spry for his age -- most people don't believe me when I tell them he is turning ten this May -- I know Ike has more days behind him than in front. He's just starting to show a little gray around his muzzle and down at the bottoms of his front paws. But other than that, he too is piss and vinegar. Sometimes I have to turn him away as he's constantly wanting to play ball, like when I'm trying to work or get all into a movie or something, and deep down I know the day that he doesn't want to play ball anymore will break my fucking heart.

And for reasons completely unknown to him, yesterday morning I got down on my hands and knees and crawled over to the dog bed he was laying, wrapped my arms around him and bawled my eyes out. He didn't know why I was doing this strange behavior, but he could tell something was wrong and did the only thing he could do, licking away my tears as fast as they came. Then both he and Bianca got to spend a little extra time chasing balls in the pool and split a big fat juicy hamburger later in the evening. I don't know about you, but I've got the best fucking dogs in the world.

Ernie, Long time reader, but with nothing valuable to contribute, i've never written until now. I just wanted to thank you for the story on this wonderful animal, even though the ending is obviously too soon. Somehow, i had missed the original story, so i caught it all today. This is also my first exposure to graphic pics of the effects of dog fighting. As a vet of both OEF and OIF, i had thought that i had seen enough death and carnage wrought on humanity by other people, but now i see that i'm wrong. I swear that if i ever find someone who fights dogs, i will kidnap them and kill their families in front of them before i kill them slowly (gotta eliminate the gene thread from the gene pool. too much risk of contamination). I've seen some shitty things in my time, but seeing that someone could do that to an animal, especially a dog who can be the best creature on the planet, well that just boils my blood. I don't have a lot of spare time, but i think what little i do have will go towards doing what i can to stop these fuckheads from hurting more dogs who should be loving families, rather than killing and maiming. On a cheerier note, love the website. Keep up the good work with LBEH. And if, for some reason, you decide to publish any of this, please don't quote my name or email, since i am dead fucking serious about what will happen to whomever i find, and i don't want to go to jail for offing some asspipe who needs it. If i do go to jail, i don't want it to be because i was too stoopid to ask to have my contact info redacted. Cheers.

Read about Gypsy. I had also read about Daisy a few years back. I was living in Arlington, Tx. at the time. I remember hearing first about Daisy on the local news. I spent the formative years of my life as a Grunt at the 101st. I've been in combat long enough to know I never wanted to go back. I've killed and maimed people and went to sleep that night. But seeing this about Gypsy, you made me cry Ernie. I'm not complaining though. A really great friend of mine named Brooke had 5 pit bulls. Very wonderful dogs! They died when Brooke's house burned down. So, yeah, the Rainbow Bridge brought back some great memories. I feel the same way you do about people. In general, I hate 'em. I have no clue why I'm writing this to you, but thanks Ernie. Woody.

While my heart has belonged to Joanna Krupa ever since she went on this tirade against Terrell Owens, I'm not exactly sure I'd include her in this list of Playboy celebrity "Guest Ring Girls" the UFC should consider.

Here are thirty women from thirty countries. I formally request that we lift the Cuban embargo immediately.

fedex kinkos won’t print our christmas card. plus, mom has nice tits.

notes from the no lone zone: a computer scientist looks at icbm security.

man shows his christmas spirit by trying to steal two trees. beatdown ensues.

old and busted: avalanches and howitzers. the new hotness: rockslides and wrecking balls.


December 17, 2009

Today Is Not A Good Day.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together. Author unknown...

As I write this post to you this morning, my eyes are red and swollen, and my cheeks are wet with tears. I have to tell you something, but quite honestly I don'y know where to begin.

When Gypsy's story was first brought to my attention, anger was the first emotion I experienced. Anger that one animal could suffer so much at the hands of human being. And over the course of the last four and a half years, than anger has slowly but surely given way to happiness. Happiness that that animal could be so forgiving to humans and despite all of her abuse, still manage to find such a lackadaisical joy in life that only dogs can.

This morning, that happiness has abruptly and been replaced by another emotion; that of sadness. I now feel such a profound sense of loss that I am sure the sun won't come up this morning. This morning, I received the following email from Tri-County Animal Rescue, the folks who rescued Gypsy and have given her a home since then.

We are devasted to report that a volunteer found Gypsy dead in her doghouse this morning. She had not shown any signs of feeling ill and we are at a loss to explain what happened. Gypsy had the heart of a lion. It's what kept her alive on the side of the road long after whoever dumped her there thought she'd be dead. Gypsy had the stubborness of a mule. It's what kept her fighting to live after her leg was amputated and the tissue rotted off her face. Gypsy had the spirit of a child. It's what drew people to her side and made them love her. Gypsy had a soul and today, God called her home. Gypsy's time with us was too brief, but her heart, and stubborness and spirit made an impact on us that will linger for the rest of our lives.

If one were to make a guess at how old Gypsy was when she was first rescued, I think probably two or three years would probably be as safe a bet as any. Despite the weight that now hangs quite heavily on my heart, I take great solace in knowing that through our generosity and compassion, Daisy lived twice as long in comfort and surrounded by people who loved her, than she did in agony and forced to fight for her own survival for our wicked amusement. I am grateful that we helped put so many sunrises between her days spent in a dog crate with her face pockmarked by stitches and surgical stents, and that of her eventual passing. I am thankful that when it was finally her time to pass on, it happened in the peacefulness of a loving home, and not to the roaring cheer of a dogfighting ring.

Whether you attribute Gypsy's death to a theological origin, or to that of just a tired old body finally giving out, I am sure that wherever Gypsy is now, she's got all four legs and a perfect doggie face. I hope there's lots of sun to be warm on her face, lots of grass to roll in, and lots of things to chase. Our world will most certainly be a darker place without her. I don't know what else to say. I haven't wept like this since my mother died. I am just so fucking sad.

So long, my little Frankendoggie, we hardly knew ye. And we most certainly, are the lesser for it.


December 16, 2009

A Touching Christmas Story.

Sometimes, life throws us a helping hand when we least expect it.

A few weeks ago, I was rushing around trying to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I queried. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" It was then that I realized that absolutely no one could hear that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and made a run to my car. Now I've got enough money for this broad, woo hoo!

If you are going to steal copper wire, make sure you turn the switch OFF first, you dumb ass. He won't do that again. Steven

Chess boxing is a hybrid sport which combines the sport of boxing with games of chess in alternating rounds. Chess boxing fights have been organized since early 2003. The sport was started when Dutch artist Iepe Rubingh, inspired by fictional depictions of the sport in a comic by French comic book artist and filmmaker Enki Bilal, organized actual matches. The sport has become increasingly popular since then. To succeed players must be both skilled chess players and skilled boxers. And no, I am so not kidding.

Thought you may enjoy, regardless of your vote. Andrew

Matthew John Serra is an American mixed martial artist and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt. He is a former UFC Welterweight Champion and an ADCC Submission Wrestling World Championship silver medalist. He began practicing martial arts at an early age, first studying kung fu. In the 1990s, he began studying Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu under Renzo Gracie and on May 23, 2000 was awarded his black belt, the first American to do so under Gracie. Here's a chat with former UFC champion Matt "The Terror" Serra. And my God, does he sound like a guido or what?

Hey does anyone know what brand of tire this is?

celebrity sex tapes nobody wants to see.

grasshopper, you too can write a hit kung fu movie.

the top ten most realistic transvestites. dibs on mimi... no, uh, wait.

why i love living in new york city. a video essay.

techniques of the professional pickpocket.


December 15, 2009

What Happens When You're Scared.

Here's a look at what fear does to our bodies. In the brain, the amygdala is the body's central alarm system. When a threat is perceived, the amygdala lets us react almost instantaneously. The reaction begins with a sensory stimulus, such as a strange shape or loud noise. Information captured by our senses is routed first to the thalamus, which sends an immediate signal to both the amygdala and to the appropriate sensory cortex, where the stimulus is evaluated. If there is a threat, the amygdala is informed again and puts the body on red alert through the release of adrenaline into the blood stream.

Your body's response to fear is hard-wired, back to the days when wild animals were chasing us. With the first signal of a threat, you stop, turn toward the source and freeze. Your heart pumps faster and harder, driving more fuel to your muscles. You generate more heat, so the body begins to sweat. Your blood pressure rises. Your skin becomes pale and cool as blood drains from capillaries near the skin's surface to control any potential bleeding. Your stomach empties and the digestive system stops (which is what makes you queasy). Your hair stands on end, in an effort to preserve body heat. Your mouth becomes dry as saliva stops flowing, as your body preserves whatever hydration it can. Your pupile dilate so vision becomes more acute; now you don't just see the lawn but you see individual blades of grass. Your eyebrows raise, giving you more peripherial vision. Your bowels or bladder may empty. Starving muscles get more glucose, thus giving the body more energy. They quiver with energy, which makes you tremble and your legs shake. The blood that is drained from other areas of your body is pumped into the muscles and other vital organs, preparing them for quick and powerful action.

In the blink of an eye, four of your five senses senses becomes sharper; hearing is actually decreased as your body experiences a phenomenon called auditory exclusion or 'tunnel hearing'. The end result is you are more aware of your surroundings and more information goes to your brain for processing. That's right motherfucker, it's time for fight or flight. And I don't know if Dee Schneider would elicit the same reaction as say, a grizzly bear, but regardless it ain't Christmas until Twisted Sister has serenaded you with their own rendition of Come All Ye Faithful.

Ernie, Going through today's post, I am looking at the sex underwater link and have come across a photo that has a litte extra in it. Tell me if you see this also. Aaron

The year 2009 is now coming to a close, and it's time to take a look back over the past 12 months through photographs. Historic elections were held in Iran, India and the United States, some wars wound down while others escalated, China turned 60, and the Berlin Wall was remembered 20 years after it came down. Each photo tells its own tale, weaving together into the larger story of 2009. This is a multi-entry story, 120 photographs over three days. Here is part 1. Please watch for part 2 and part 3 tomorrow and the next day. And as we're coming to the end of the aughts, or whatever you want to call it, this is a time where we can look back at the last ten years and see how much we've packed into this decade. It's been a lot. One thing that I keep coming back to is how this decade has been a renaissance of hot female athletes. Back in the '90s, we had to do things like try to convince ourselves that Mia Hamm was hot, or talk ourselves into Tara Lipinski. But in the 2000s, we were spoiled. And thus here are the hottest female athletes of the decade.

hey this is some pics of my house fire which happened on 12/06/09...........timmy g

Public service announcements have changed quite a bit since I was a kid. Back then they mostly consisted of some cartoon character (GI Joe was huge on this, as you probably remember) telling me to stay off drugs and in school, but now there seems to be a race towards the extreme when it comes to how shocking ad agencies can make a PSA. The goal is to make a lasting memory and agencies seem to be doing this by either horrifying us or grossing us out. Here are some of the most shocking PSA’s of all time, and I'll warn you, the statutory rape ones sure make you look twice.

things that were popular at the beginning of the decade that aren't popular anymore.

photos of honeybees setting up shop inside a glass jar. cool.

dirty tv moments that slipped past the censors.

steven seagal teaches the jimmy kimmel live security guards.

lights, action, burger! a make-up artist for fast food shows us the tips of her trade.

myfreecams.com is the coolest webcam site on the web. definitely NSFW.


December 14, 2009

Yeah, It's One Of Those Mornings.

December 10th marked the 20th anniversary of Australia's Transport Accident Commission's first drinking and driving campaign. So this Christmas they released a five minute compilation of their messages throughout these past two decades. Everybody hurts.

Well, after a very healthy start, LBEH is indeed continuing to be a smashing success this Christmas season, which to be honest, I find quite surprising. You know... economy, blah-blah-blah. Something we did smart this time around was limit ourselves to a set number of international tickets, which run on the average of $1,200 each. For the same amount of money, we can purchase three or four domestic tickets. So in the interest of trying to have as big an impact on the largest group of people we can, I think this was a smart call. We also had two more people step up and make some pretty bad ass donations in the last week -- Marc for $3,000 and Marjorie for $5,000! Thanks guys! And as always, we're running until the end of the year and will take a few more apps before then, so let's keep this party going. In the meantime, a big FUCK YOU to Stephen King for getting five times the media attention while we do five times the work!

Just when I was feeling good about my $50 contribution to LBEH, Stephen King comes along and brings home a whole battalion of Maine Army National Guardsmen. Jeremiah

Last year there were some rumors around about my brother and his fam making it down here for Christmas, but me thinks that's not going to happen after all. This of course presents me with the unique challenge of how the fuck to get presents up north for five nieces & nephews. I have the sneaking suspicion it's going to be a gift card year.

Ern, let me state first that I HATE twitter and every other social networking site, myspace, facebook, etc. My girlfriend found this and I must admit it's the first truly amusing twitter I've ever seen. A man, presumably in England by the phrasing of the text, has placed a pressure sensitive pad beneath the marital bed of his newlywed best friend and rigged it to tweet every time they start and stop doing the horizontal mambo with a rating and "judge's score". -Jack

Ernie, love the site. I made a little vid that could be construed as racially insensitive and in poor taste. So naturally, I thought of EHOWA. Whip it, whip it good. Thanks. Ray from Texas.

For some reason, Anne Heche made this list of celebrity trainwrecks from 2009, but I think that's a bit of a stretch. Yeah I know she was with Ellen for awhile but yo me, I'll always remember as having a spectacular pair of tits in this female prison shower scene.

things your mall santa won't tell you.

great moments in irish history with denis leary.

interview with sazzy lee varga, fitness model and actress.

medieval slimes: two weeks of living disgustingly. think chamberpots.

some dude's flickr photostream of universal's halloween horror nights 2009.

mud puddle + excavator x redneck = where is jeff foxworthy when you need him?


December 12, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

what an AWESOME fake

jenn sterger: football's hottest fan.

top ten stupidest things girls like - and here's part ii

ten hottest teachers to hook up with students (and the ugliest ones).

send these guys $10, they send you something. you don't know what 'till it gets there.

how we can reall measure 2009: the hottest one hundred tailgating babes. dibs on arizona state girls.

old and busted: the muppets sining bohemian rhapsody. the new hotness: the muppets ringing of the bells.


December 11, 2009

Sorry Honey, I Don't Do Those Kinds Of Tickets.

Two cool notes about this year's LBEH project so far. First, one of the guys asking for a ticket has the last name of CASEBEER. How fucking awesome is that. Surely a sign from the gods as they tip their hat to LBEH's alcohol fueled roots. Secondly, a television station in Toledo ran this piece on their evenings news. Klinger would be proud, eh? But would it be inappropriate for me to take a page out of Fight Club, and hide the image if a huge black cock somewhere in the LBEH banner logo? is that wrong? Should I not do that?

I've previously showed you Ken Block's Subaru TRAX STI -- wish I had that fucker for a snowy commute down I-93 -- and the world's fastest electric motorcycle. See this plus eight more cool ass vehicles, like this murdered out Bentley, plus dozens of booth babes at the 2009 SEMA show. Dibs on the Saleen Dodge Challenger.

Yesterday I mentioned Ethan Suplee and if you're a Kevin Smith fan like I am, you remember as William who couldn't see the hidden sailboat image. The first major role I saw him in was in American History-X and to be quite honest, he scared the fucking shit out of me. But now some ten years later, he's quite comfortable engained in my head as good ol Randy. And did you know that One Eyed Willie is his father? I didn't.

Ernie, I come to you knowing how much work you do to support our troops and the law enforcement community in general. I read your site everyday as I get ready for work, and check it again at night in case you have posted anything else to make me smile. On 11-29-09 I lost three brothers and a sister to an evil man. They were ambushed while preparing to start their day and leave behind families and nine children. Mark Renninger, Tina Griswold, Ronald Owens, and Greg Richards were my police family and friends. Mark was my team leader on the SWAT team and a mentor. Tina was a crewmate and used to joke we were so close that we were married, mostly because we could never agree on anything. Ronnie kept the rest of my life in perspective by being the most laid-back cop I ever knew, especially with his curly surfer-dude hair. Greg was the most genuinely nice guy I’ve ever met and could play a mean set of drums. They were extraordinary people and fantastic police officers. They were killed because of the uniform they wore even though it was not what defined them as human beings. The four were denied a warrior’s death but our community has rallied to show us survivors that they can be honored as protectors. I have never been approached by so many people who want to shake my hand, or just hold me and cry. It makes me realize that even though we may not hear it a lot, our community loves us and believes in what we do. I’m asking you to help us provide for the children of my friends. Our union, the Lakewood Police Independent Guild, has established a trust to take care of their needs, educational and otherwise. Everything that we receive goes directly into the trust; even the lawyers have agreed to help us for free. If you could post our website, www.lpig.us, it would be greatly appreciated. I have adopted an attitude that every day is better than the day before and hopefully that will hold true. Thank you, Matt B. Patrol/SWAT, Lakewood Police Department (WA)

That's a shit deal, man. As the story has fallen by the wayside in the news, overshadowed by such apocolyptic stories as what chick Tiger is banging this week, I don't think a motive was ever released? I did some searches and found, "The only motive that we have is he decided he was going to go kill police officers," Troyer said. Investigators also reported that Clemmons told others the night before the shooting that he was going to kill police and they should watch the news, but they wrote it off as "crazy-talk." But whether that's truth or rumor, I dunno. Be safe, Matt. It's a jungle out there.

Meanwhile if you're curious what a bag of steroids and a few Hollywood paychecks can get you, this us your answer. Where do I sign up?

I'm no expert, but it looks like the two bucks in today's post died from being shot. You can see the bullet wound on the side of the first one, which starts gacking up blood then dies. Then they make some kind of effort to pull them apart, but give up and shoot the second one. Goddamn, I should get paid for this. CSI has got nothing on me... Travis

An ATF agent and his glory hole? Here are a couple of links to a news report and an ad on Craigslist. Do you think the two are related? Back.

With the release of A Princess and A Frog, Disney broke new grouond in its first ever African American princess. So, after four years of development that are proud to present something equally special, Princess Rachel, Disney's first Jewish American Princess. And the cast is awesome, plus I wouldnt mind schtupping Sarah Silverman a time or two.

white chicken chili. you want some now.

a great soldier's story but man, that's a freaky fucking doll.

the jfk eternal flame, c-130 hercules, emphysema, mount everest, lz 129 hindenburg.

hot chick in a bikini trying to eat cheese and gets snapped in the face by a rubber band. awesome.


December 10, 2009

Aww, I Do Love This Time Of The Year.

Santa's Little Helper is a fictional dog. He is the Simpson family's pet Greyhound. In his first appearance in "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire", Homer was relying on a Christmas bonus to buy presents, but did not get it. He was relying on this bonus because the jar of Christmas money that Marge accumulates for the family's Christmas presents was disposed of to pay for the removal of a tattoo that Bart got on his arm. Homer took the small amount of Christmas money he made working as a Santa at the Springfield Mall and bet it at the dog track. Although Homer had inside information on which dog was going to win; he instead bet on the "long shot," Santa's Little Helper, believing the dog's name to be a sign. Santa's Little Helper finished last and his frustrated owner abandoned him. Homer and Bart adopted Santa's Little Helper, and everyone was so happy that it was a merry Christmas after all. Of course it's also the name you give a chick when she dresses up in the tiniest little Santa outfit you've ever seen.

The Urban Dictionary defines the ball tap as "Man's greatest fear." This definition is as accurate as it is brief, but I suppose it's all a matter of perspective. A ball tap is when someone painfully hits someone in the balls with a flick of the wrist, often followed by laughter. It's a primeval attack with a wide variety of endearing nicknames: bag tag, nut shove, krunkle, nut shot, nut check, sac tap, and sac whack, just to name a few. Inspired by scenes from Adventureland and a serious investigation, these scenes make up the most effective and hilarious ways of damaging the family jewels.

Looks like Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren have both been laid off from their careers of parking cars and since they need money to buy Christmas prseents, now we have... Universal Soldier: Regeneration. And yet there's still no Army of Darkness II.

Ernie, I got this today and had to send it on to you. Result of leaking acetylene bottle stored in plumbers van, which was accidently ignited by activating a remote door lock device. Enjoy, Tyson

I went to Wal-Mart and saw they had Obama Christmas ornaments...ain't that a bitch? Suddenly it's okay to hang a nigger from a tree again. Steve

Scrubs is an American comedy-drama created in 2001 by Bill Lawrence and produced currently by ABC Studios. The show follows the lives of several employees of Sacred Heart, a teaching hospital. It features fast-paced dialogue, slapstick, and surreal vignettes presented mostly as the daydreams of the central character, Dr. John "J.D." Dorian, played by Zach Braff. Oh, it's also got Christa Miller (of Drew Carey show fame) marking down the beach in a bikini. Not a bad body for a 45 year old broad, eh?

By the way, what kind of motorcycle is this?

never store your citric acid next to your nitroglycerin.

the heisman trophy candidates and their family guy counterparts.

you mean you don't install a nissan body kit with sheet metal screws and duct tape?

what will kevin do for ricky's money: NINJA WARRIOR CHALLENGE.

eleven asian chicks with unusually big knockers. sfw.


December 9, 2009

That's How We Roll.

Ernie, Thank you so much for helping my son make it home for the holidays!! I just don't know how to thank you enough. He is so excited!! His CO gave him the flight info and he called me late last night to let me know. I see you sent me a copy so I can plan a couple of days off. We haven't had much good news since I had to close my restaurant, but this is the best news I could ever get. This is truely my Christmas present!! I have been emailing any and all news or story website to get more knowledge of what you do out to the public. I have received confirmation from our TV station that they are going to do a story on the LBEH. I have submitted your cause to my company to be added to the charitable causes that they acknowledge. They have a matching grant program that I want you on. Maybe not much help for this year, but for next it should help. The Home Depot has if an associate gives $100 to one of their recognized charities, they also give $100. I'm sure I can get you on their list, Home Depot is very military orientated. I won't give up helping in any way I can, I won't let this go by the way side, I am a Marine Mom, and very determined as you probably already have gathered. Can't wait to see my son!! I know it will be soon because of you, and all you do. Thank you Ernie and Merry Christmas to you and yours. You're in my heart and prayers!! Will send you pics from our holiday that you made happen. All My Love, Cindy L.

This is PFC Bann____'s Mom he is in the field till Friday. I have forwarded his travel itinerary to his command. Thanks you so much for this ticket. We are a military family and it will be great to have Charlie home for Christmas. His Father and twin are deploying in May and he is scheduled to leave early 2010, We also have three smaller children that will be glad to have their big brother home , this will be the last Christmas we will be together for a little while. God Bless you and have a blessed holiday, Lorraine B.

Don't be fooled; these thank yous aren't really for me, they're for you. But there are still more tickets to buy and we'll be taking donations right up until the new year, so don't be shy!

Dear Ernie: I have figured out an easy and fun way for people to donate to LBEH. Calculate how much you’ll be drinking during the holidays, buy the larger size bottle of your favorite booze, and donate the difference in savings. For example, here in NYC, I pay about $21 for a liter of Smirnoff; but I found a store that sells a 1.75 liter bottle for only $25, a $13 savings. Times three, and my lbeh.org donation is covered. [If my calculation is a little off, it’s because alcohol and higher mathematics don’t mix. Kids! Don’t drink and derive!] Thanks and best, Howard

As Earl Hickey explains to us, Karma in Indian religions is the concept of "action" or "deed", understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect, originating in ancient India and treated in Hindu, Jain, Sikh and Buddhist philosophies. Karma is an Eastern religious concept in contradistinction to faith espoused by Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), which view all human dramas as the will of God as opposed to present - and past - life actions. In theistic schools of Hinduism, humans have free will to choose good or evil and suffer the consequences, which require the will of God to implement karma's consequences, unlike Buddhism or Jainism which do not accord any role to a supreme God or gods. In Eastern beliefs, the karmic effects of all deeds are viewed as actively shaping past, present, and future experiences. The results, or fruits, of actions are called karma-phala. So putting this all into perspective, if you do donate to LBEH, you'll meet a girl who will do this, but if you don't donate to LBEH, you will meet a girl who will do this. Understand? Good. Now we all know whay kind of girl that Howard is destined for, and he's shit faced drunk. So honestly, which of these two women would you prefer to meet? Exactly. So keep your nose clean, and donate!

When you're dating a vampire, there's never a good time to have your period. Now there's Vampax! Favorite line? "He'll never guess it's my bleeding vagina!"

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions). The symptoms of this anxiety disorder range from repetitive hand-washing and extensive hoarding to preoccupation with aggressive, religious, or sexual impulses. These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often cause severe emotional and economic loss. Although the acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and come across to others as psychotic, OCD sufferers often recognize their thoughts and subsequent actions as irrational, and they may become further distressed by this realization.

Don’t know where this happened but that must have been one hell of a fight!! Tom. [Warning, uncensored stag on stag action]

The following interview is with bikini and fitness supermodel, Julie Ann Gerhard. Julie started modeling in 1995 and in a short time turned into one of the most sought after fitness models. She has been published over eighty times including posing for the March 2000 issue of Playboy magazine. In this interview you'll find Julie to be very candid with a good outlook on life.

By the way, you can follow Randy (Ethan Suplee) on Twitter. I do. And you can touch yourself while keeping up with Jaime Pressley. I do.

one hit wonders from the 2000s.

a taco bell manager's guide to drive-thru etiquette.

golf tips for elin nordegren and other raging, club-wielding celebrities.

first person view of train vs cargo van battle royale. hint: the train doesn't lose.


December 8, 2009

Happy Birthday David Carradine! Oh Wait, Nevermind.

In 1953 a well-known therapist defined it as "an explosive discharge of neuromuscular tension". There are other definitions, but the word 'tension' comes up in most. Which suggests that when you have sex you deliberately wind yourself up just so that you can experience the pleasure of returning to normal afterwards. The technical stuff that creates all this tension is pretty amazing. Your heart pumps faster and your breathing gets heavier to fuel those tensing muscles. Hormones such as endorphins and oxytocin are pumped round your brain and body, telling you this is fun. Blood is pumped to your genitals to create the tension that will ultimately trigger a pudendal reflex (muscular spasm of the genitals). That reflex will result in your pelvic-floor muscles contracting between five and fifteen times at 0.8-second intervals. This is an orgasm as we know it. A wandering neural pathway that bypasses the spine has recently been discovered, explaining why some paraplegics say they can experience orgasms.

Orgasm in the female is characterised by rhythmic muscular contractions in the uterus - a hollow muscular organ where an embryo is nourished and develops before birth - the outer vagina and anal sphincter (the muscular ring that surrounds the anus). The muscles throughout the body also contract in response to orgasm. The initial contractions can arrive at less than one second intervals, and become further apart as the orgasm continues. A mild orgasm can contain three to five contractions, while an intense orgasm could have ten to fifteen. Most women do not ejaculate during orgasm, although some scientists claim that women expel semen-like fluid from the urethra - the tube that carries urine from the bladder out of the body.

Orgasms in men - unlike those in women - occur in two stages. During the first stage of male orgasm, contractions force semen into the urethra - the tube that carries urine and -- during orgasm, semen -- from the bladder during ejaculation. In the second stage of male orgasm when orgasm is inevitable, contractions of the urethra and penis merge with contractions in the prostate gland - the gland in men that secretes a fluid into the semen that acts to improve the movement of sperm. When orgasm is reached this results in the spurting of semen out of the body through the tip of the penis. Your wife refers to this as, "the money shot."

Historically, the practice of autoerotic asphyxiation has been documented since the early 1600s. It was first used as a treatment for erectile dysfunction and impotence. The idea for this most likely came from subjects who were executed by hanging. Observers at public hangings noted male victims developed an erection, sometimes remaining after death, and occasionally ejaculated when being hanged. Note that, however, ejaculation occurs in hanging victims after death because of disseminated muscle relaxation; this is a different mechanism from that sought by autoerotic asphyxiation practitioners. Various methods are used to achieve the level of oxygen depletion needed, such as a hanging, suffocation with a plastic bag over the head, self-strangulation such as with a ligature, gas or volatile solvents, chest compression, or some combination of these. Sometimes, complicated devices are used to produce the desired effect. The practice can be dangerous even if performed with care and has resulted in a significant number of accidental deaths. Uva (1995) writes “Estimates of the mortality rate range of autoerotic asphyxia between 250 to 1000 deaths per year in the United States.”

In 1936, Sada Abe killed her lover, Kichizo Ishida, through erotic asphyxiation, then proceeded cut off his testicles and carry them in her handbag for a number of days. The case caused a sensation in 1930s Japan and has remained one of the most famous Japanese murder cases of all time. Fifty-two years later, in 1988, Diane Herceg sued Hustler magazine for the death of her 14-year-old son, who had experimented with autoerotic asphyxia after reading about it in that magazine. Nine years after that, Michael Hutchence, lead singer of INXS, may have died from autoerotic asphyxiation although suicide was the official cause of death. And of course our tour of autoerotic asphyxiation ends with the death of David Carradine, who was found earlier this year curled up inside a closet with one end of a shoelace tied around his neck and the other end fastened firmly around his hoo-hoo-dilly. Perhaps David might have considered a stuntman for his final act, yes?

Yes, 'tis the holiday season again, and back online for 2009 are the Controllable Christmas Lights for Celiac Disease. Once again, three live webcams and X10 technology allows web surfers to not only view the action, but also *control* 20,000+ lights. Heck, you can even inflate/deflate the giant 12' Santa, Elmo, Frosty Family, ifteen foot ballloon, SpongeBob SquarePants, and Homer Simpson - D'OH! The website is totally free (and totally fun) and is one of my zany ways of raising awareness & soliciting donations for Celiac Disease: my two sons have this condition, so it's personal for me. If folks are so inclined, you can make an optional donation directly to the University of Maryland Center for Celiac Research. Over $40,000 has been raised with ... holiday lights - go figure! While people around the world (152 countries last year) enjoy seeing the lights ON, environmentalists will be happy to know that they can turn the lights OFF with a click of the mouse. Better yet, this is the 6th year I'm using Wind Power and even though that is "clean" energy, I even did a Carbon Offset contribution for the 0.6 Tons of CO2 for the ~MegaWatt-Hour of power consumed - that's about the same as *one* cross-country airline trip. Finally, by providing viewing via webcam, you don't need to burn fossil fuels by driving around to see Christmas lights; Al Gore would be proud! But HEY, the couple bucks a day in electrical costs are well worth the joy it brings to people (especially the kids) when they see the display in person and/or on the web. There's even a Hi-Def option, so gather your family around the large screen and open up some Eggnog as the chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. So surf on by, tell your friends, blog about it, spread the word, etc. Merry Christmas and HO-HO-HO! Alek

More reasons why I think April Macie really is the ultimate female: We've already learned that she likes porn and double penetration. We already know she looks damn good in a bikini. We already know she wants to beat her kids when they misbehave. Add to that the fact that she thinks Daniel Craig was the worst James Bond, and the fact that she used to work at Hooters. Now do you see my point?

Ernie. The following attachment has not been altered in any way. One of our pilots here in Iraq recieved bunch of support letters from a school stateside. This was the funniest one that we found and it gave us much levity. I didn't know 4th graders talked like this and it's my assumptin that she does not actually know the word nor the definition of the word she was trying to use. I underlied the humorous prt in blue. This was a photocopy and some of the words were slightly illegible so I traced over the words in pen so that the letter is easier to read. Chris.

Here's the Victoria's Secret commercial directed by Michael Bay. This premiered during the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on 12.2.09. Includes a lot of things Michael Bay is known for, including a helicopter and of course, explosions.

warning: what has been seen can not be unseen!

some of my favorite facebook status messages. justin rules.

martin scorsese + rudolph the red nosed reindeer = raging rudolph.

reason seven why tiger woods rules the universe: porn star holly sampson.

girl on girl: eleven misconceptions about lesbians. twelve if you count portia de rossi.

old and busted: parkour. the new hotness: barkour. starts slow but gets awesome quick.


December 7, 2009

Remember Pearl Harbor.

Doris "Dorie" Miller was a cook in the United States Navy noted for his bravery during the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. He was the first African American to be awarded the Navy Cross, the third highest honor awarded by the US Navy at the time, after the Medal of Honor and the Navy Distinguished Service Medal (today the Navy Cross precedes the Distinguished Service Medal).

Miller was born in Waco, Texas, on October 12, 1919, to Henrietta and Connery Miller. He was the third of four sons and grew up in a strong and loving household. He enjoyed playing with his brothers but was also a considerate child. He often helped around the house, cooking meals and doing laundry, as well as working the fields. Miller was a good student and a fullback on the football team at Waco's A.J. Moore High School. They called him the "Raging Bull" because of his size (5 ft 9 in, over 200 lb). He worked on his father's farm until enlisting in the United States Navy as Mess Attendant, Third Class in September 1939. Following training at the Naval Training Station, Norfolk, Virginia, Miller was assigned to the ammunition ship USS Pyro where he served as a Mess Attendant, and on 2 January 1940 was transferred to USS West Virginia, where he became the ship's heavyweight boxing champion. In July of that year he had temporary duty aboard USS Nevada at Secondary Battery Gunnery School. He returned to the USS West Virginia on 3 August 1941.

Miller awoke at 6:00 A.M. and was collecting laundry when the alarm for general quarters was sounded. He headed for his battle station, the antiaircraft battery magazine amidship, only to discover that torpedo damage had destroyed it. He went on deck where he was assigned to carry wounded fellow sailors to safer locations. When Captain Mervyn Bennion was injured by a bomb splinter, an officer ordered Miller to the bridge to help in the effort to move him to a place of relative safety. Miller picked him up and attempted to carry him to a first-aid station; the Captain refused to leave his post and remained on the bridge until his death. When directed to assist in loading a pair of unattended Browning .50 caliber anti-aircraft guns, Miller took control of one and began firing at the Japanese planes, even though he had no training in operating the weapon. He fired the gun until he ran out of ammunition. Japanese aircraft eventually dropped two armor-piercing bombs through the deck of the battleship and launched five x 18 inch aircraft torpedoes into her port side. Heavily damaged by the ensuing explosions, and suffering from severe flooding below decks, the West Virginia slowly settled to the harbor bottom as her crew—including Miller—abandoned ship.

Miller was commended by the Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox on 1 April 1942, and on 27 May 1942 he received the Navy Cross, which Fleet Admiral (then Admiral) Chester W. Nimitz, the Commander in Chief, Pacific Fleet presented to Miller on board aircraft carrier USS Enterprise (CV-6) for his extraordinary courage in battle.

Miller’s rank was raised to Mess Attendant First Class on June 1. On June 27, The Pittsburgh Courier called for Miller to be allowed to return home for a war bond tour like white heroes. The following November 23, Miller arrived at Pearl Harbor, and was ordered on a war bond tour while still attached to USS Indianapolis. In December and January he gave talks in Oakland, California, in his hometown of Waco, Texas, in Dallas, and to the first graduating class of African-American sailors from Great Lakes Naval Training Station, Chicago. The Pittsburgh Courier continued to hammer to return Miller for a war bond tour in the February 6, 1943 issue. The caption to Miller’s photo read, "He Fought... Keeps Mop", while another white hero of Pearl Harbor received a commission to officer. It said that Miller was "too important waiting tables in the Pacific to return him", even though he was already on tour.

Doris Miller reported for duty at Puget Sound Navy Yard on May 15, 1943. His rank was again raised, this time to Petty Officer, Officer’s Cook Third Class, and he reported to USS Liscome Bay, an escort aircraft carrier. After training in Hawaii for the Gilbert Islands operation, the Liscome Bay participated in the Battle of Tarawa beginning November 20. On November 24, a single torpedo from Japanese submarine I-175 struck the escort carrier near the stern. The aircraft bomb magazine detonated a few moments later, sinking the warship within minutes. There were 242 survivors. The rest of the crew was listed as "presumed dead". On December 7, 1943, PO Miller's parents were notified their son was "Missing in Action." A memorial service was held on April 30, 1944, at the Waco, Texas, Second Baptist Church, sponsored by the Victory Club. On May 28, a granite marker was dedicated at Moore High School to honor Miller. On November 25, 1944, the Secretary of the Navy announced that Miller was presumed dead.

I just applied for building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 feet tall and 400 ft wide with nine turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green. The city council told me to 'Fuck Off'. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Building starts next Monday. Steve

Downs' fitness and rehabilitative career has spanned a decade. The son of a Chief Master Sergeant in the Air Force, Ed, while born in Nebraska, lived in Germany and Japan before finally settling in New Jersey. Ed was certified by the Shape-Up Academy of the American Council on Exercise in 1992 as an accredited personal trainer and moved to Miami to become part of its burgeoning fitness market. He quickly was recruited by many of the most influential sports names in Miami. [keep reading...]

contestant 16 - contestant 17 - contestant 18 - all contestants

stuck in an airport? use twitter to find someone in the same boat. warning: by a frenchman.

woman gets her purse caught in train and drags her down platform. god forbid you LET GO.

dear athletes: please have fun trying to not get murdered during the 2016 olympics in brazil.

harry potter and the deathly hallows. or, an excuse to stare at emma watson's rack, part 2.


December 5, 2009

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

"Someone asked me what I'd do if a grizzly bear came after me in Alaska. I thought about it for a minute and said, 'Whack him with a golf club.' They asked, 'Gee, do you think that'll work?' I said, 'Why not? It works on Tigers in Florida.'" - Leon

bitchesclosingout - nachosasbigasyourass - shapedlikeataco

living the dream - here's your popular drug referenace manual.

i bet you $10 you can't walk along the top of a swingset. you're on.

and that baby we had together? can you put that back in your vagina? quickly.

flamethrower, macgyver, caddyshack, ramstain airshow disaster, ss andrea doria.

incredible gps rescue stories, including an elephant rescued from the claws of death.

who knew two small magnets could have a combined force of 1,100 lbs? this guy does now.


December 4, 2009

The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions.

I had every intention of being back at the house around 4 o'clock yesterday, but Mother Nature made sure that train quickly came off the rails. You see, yesterday the Victory Demo Tour truck was two towns over from me, in Estero. Show up, show em your motorcycle license, sign a waiver, and ride any of the twenty five demo bikes as much as you'd like. Sorry motherfuckers, but that's too good an opportunity to pass up. So myself and a few other riding buddies each took the day off from work, met up for breakfast at Perkins and were then beating on the dealer's door at 9 o'clock sharp. The catch? It was raining. And I don't know about you fuckers, but I don't ride in the rain. In fact, when the rain comes down, my skirt goes on. But lucky for me, the corporate Victory folks felt the same way as their insurance didn't cover inclimate weather, so we couldn't begin our demo rides until after the rain stopped. Which of course didn't happen until motherfucking noon. So needless to say the first three hours were spent kicking tires, asking questions, and trying to sneak peeks at the regional sales manager when she wasn't looking.

But eventually Mother Nature took mercy upon us. Aand while it was never sunny, the rain did stop long enough for the roads to dry up and we were given the green light. For my first ride I was feeling pretty adventurous so I selected a beast whose sheer size has always intimidated me: the Victory Vision, which looks like what would happen nine months after the Space Shuttle fucks a Cadillac. Is is their full dresser, equipped with a four speaker sound system, iPod hookup, heated grips, cruise control, motorized windshield, anti-lock brakes and enough storage to carry Rosie O'Donnell's lunchbox. Of course the bike is considerably heavier than mine but I figured shit, if I'm going to dump one, better it theirs than mine, right? And while I didn't go skidding down the highway on my side, I must admit that riding that big motherfucker around sure would take practice. Once you're moving, say at 10mph and above? It's a dream. As easy to handle as any motorcycle half its 900lbs. But slowly creeping around a parking lot? No thank you. I was just trying too hard. It was like balancing my truck on two wheels. But I will admit, it was pretty fucking cool cruising down I-75 at 90 miles an hour with no wind in my face and Rammstein's Du hast cranking on the stereo.

Next I fired up a bright blue 2010 Hammer S, powered by the new 106 cu in motor; slightly larger than my 100 cu in Hammer. Getting on this after the Vision felt warm and familiar. Twisting the throttle snapped my neck back like I was used to, and I felt more comfortable going over bridges without exceeding the maximum weight allowance. The motor's extra 6 cubes of displament were noticeable, but barely. It had a little more power than my 100 with the Stage 1 kit installed, but not much. Still, a great stock motor.

Of course everyone else who was there showed up to get a roll on Victory's two new models, the Cross Roads and Cross Country. The latter of which I had no desire to ride, simply because it was as big as the fucking Vision and since I'm not licensed to drive anything larger than 8,000 pounds, I didn't put my name on the list. The Cross Roads however, I wanted to get a run on, but didn't get the chance to. The first person who took it out came back noting a problem with the tranny when he was in 6th gear, and after some inspection it was noted that it was a quart low on fluid. After topping that off, there was a huge group of people waiting to take their test ride and I said fuck it.

So while everyone else was cooling their heels waiting for their turn on the Cross Roads, I made three more runs: a while 2009 Jackpot, a flamed up 2010 Vegas, and then after it started sprinkling again we snuck out one more time, this time on a maroon 2010 Kingpin low with a windshield. The Kingpin sat so low I had an unexplainable urge to play Mariachi music, but resisted. Very soft, comfortable ride. A little windier than the Vision and its full fairing, but still quite comfortable. And as the ever elusive sun began to drop lower and lower into the sky, I helped the Victory crew gas up the demo bikes so they could be loaded back onto the trailer, ready to be transported to their next destination. So long, fellers. I got back to my house around 8 o'clock last night, looked at the keyboard and said fuck it.

Eight years is a long time. Two full Presidential terms. The current lifespan of the Segway. And enough time for Angelia Jolie to deteriorate from this buxom beauty to this skeletal wreck. Sometimes I have a tough time telling her apart from the likes of Steve Buscemi. Speaking of, sorry Jim Carey, but today Jenny McCarthy gets added to the Trainwreck 100, the list of the world's most worthless celebrities.

Remember the post I did about the sites dedicated to the individual soung bites? Turns out there's a few more out there.

There have always been tons of sexy female athletes, particularly in sports like tennis and skating. Now, with the advent of Title IX in the past thirty years, we have tons of women in all sorts of sports. That’s a great thing for all the girls, and it’s also a great thing for guys who admire their beauty along with their athletic accomplishments.

Oh, in case anyone wants a little more info on the most recent DO NOT CLICK THIS photo, it's called a genital bisection and evidently it still allows for erection, though often the two halves curve into each other, making insertion more difficult. So. If you'll pardon me, I'm going to jam some Tupac and go find a pair of kitchen shears.

the original QUAKE. in its entirety. online. in flash.

the tiger woods voicemail slow jam remix IS FUCKING AWESOME.

the ten greatest moments in alec baldwin history. fuck you, that's my name.

things i learned this week: adam lambert edition. with some paris hilton, just for fun.

i don't suppose i have any readers near 38th and 5th avenue? this is REALLY, REALLY important.


December 3, 2009

Half Now, Half Later.

I gots me some shit to do today, so I'm posting half of the update now, and the other half later on.

Am I doing something important? Yes. Something like headingto the gym? Nooooo, I'm doing something much cooler than that: ice carving, piano lessons, and sabre tossing.

Ernie, I found this article about Colonel Van Barfoot, a 90 year old Medal of Honor recipient who is being ordered by a law firm from his home owners association to remove a flag pole in his front yard due to it not being aesthetically pleasing. This hero raises his flag every day and now because of some ass hole at a HOA he's being told he can no longer support his country. I'm not sure what can be done but here's the link for the attorney's contact information. A little more background on Colonel Barfoot. I'm sure you get a lot of emails everyday but I hope you see fit to link this article to your page and raise some more support for Colonel Barfoot. Thanks, Will

By the way, Tiger Woods is quickly becoming my new hero. Meet his latest transgression, Kalika Moquin. Elin Nordegren, Jaime Grubbs, Kalika Moquin... They're, Grrrrrrreat!

rachel bilson's deleted sex scene. sort of.

mr. skin's top ten nude scenes of 2009. guess what? nsfw.

could this be the perfect hl2 movie casting? why yes, i think it is, dr. house.

playboy models cassie keller, kat kohls and amanda leggett show the right way to wash a car.


December 2, 2009

I'll bet You $50 The Fire Hydrant Winds Up On Ebay.

I know a certain national chain that's going to be in a world of shit very soon. No, it's not JC Penney's, it's McDonalds. In fact, it's this one if you want to be precise. And did I mention their telephone number is 718-437-8752 and McDonald's headquarters number is 800-244-6227? Did I mention that? I'm not sure. But in case I didn't, it's 718-437-8752.

Q. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? A. Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Q. What’s the difference between Tiger’s Cadillac and his pitching wedge? A. He can back up his pitching wedge.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. I guess he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

There are more but eh, to be honest they're kinda lame. Now he has a hole in one, his wife has his nine-iron, plus lots of recycled golfer jokes. All in all, not very creative. But recreating the entire scenario in The Sims? Now that's priceless even if it is done entirely in Chinese and I can't understand a damn word of it. Of course it's all fun and games until more and more women come forward about Tiger and his travelling putter. Although in Tiger's defense, nowhere in this article about reducing your risk of injury and improving your golf game does it mention anything about letting your wife find out you've been banging a cocktail waitress. I'm just sayin. And not to beat a dead horse, but it only took Tiger 40.4 seconds to pay for that that $164 fine, which to you and me is the equivilent to $0.064 -- just over six cents.

From: Jeff Miller
To: Ernie from EHOWA

Ernie, I know you wrote an article justifying your use of the word "Jew" to describe various objects or behavior, but there is no justification for it. You are insulting when you use the word "Jew" in that manner. You can justify it all you want, but you're acting like bigoted white trash for continuing to use that term. If you want to say that you're sure Tiger's Caddy was loaded, then say it, and leave the Jews out of it. By the way, I'm sure there are plenty of Jews who have an Escalade with all the options. I know that because I happen to own one. I don't have the 2009 model, but mine is loaded, just the same. NOW CUT IT OUT! Jeff


To: Jeff Miller
From: Ernie from EHOWA

Or, you can go fuck yourself. Don't like what I write and how I write it, don't read it. Either way works for me.


From: Jeff Miller
To: Ernie from EHOWA

Will do, screw you asshole. I tried to be reasonable, but I'm obviously dealing with an idiot.


To: Jeff Miller
From: Ernie from EHOWA

Q. Did you hear about the Jewish child molester? A. He goes up to kids and says, "Wanna buy some candy?"

In the last week I've posted jokes about: pedophilia, necrophilia, and gang rape. Africans, Mexicans and (Native) Indians. Women, cops and people from Alabama. Total number of complaints from parents, surviving family members, rape victims, black people, brown people, red people, women, cops and Alabamans? Zero. I make one Jew joke and the sky falls.

NEWSFLASH: After months of struggling to find their footing, it looks like the GOP has finally found an effective spokesman. And he's got my vote. Viva Le'Reagan!

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby. "Look at the size of his cock," says the man. "It's massive!" "Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."

So today is World AIDS Day. Yeah, I don't really care. Remember, crack is whack. And thanks for the Carfax, Brad!

AND DO NOT CLICK THIS, EITHER.

now let's rock out to the sex maggots, woo hoo!

biggest movie flops of the decade. fuck you, i liked pluto nash.

i knew i shouldn't have signed up for facebook. now i'm a sex offender.

old and busted: elephants giving birth. new hotness: elephants shitting and pissing.


December 1, 2009

Lots Of Wasting Time Today.

We've all heard about people looking light their pets, in fact one dog food company build a whole advertising slogan around this idea. Now enter celebs, who do they look like? Sarah Jessica Parker as a horse is a gimme, as is Jamie Hyneman as a walrus (think Mystbusters). But Jack Nicholson as a green lizard? I just don't see it. They might be posing the same, but the resemblence ends there.

I wonder how the Tiger Woods crash will play out for Cadillac. I mean doesn't General Motors bill OnStar as being this awesome whizz bang thing that will notify 911 in the event of a crash so that you don't die? If that's so, why did one of Tiger's neighbors have to make this 911 call? Shouldn't the police have already been notified by the Caddy's OnStar? Enquiring minds want to know. And Tiger's wife, Elin Nordegren: crazy hot or just plain crazy? Either way she's a bad girl, and we all know that bad girls go to hell.

Hello Ernie, I thought you might put the murder of four police officers before Tiger Woods. If you do write something about this horrific event, here is a link to the bail bonds company which freed him. Yes, I know it wasn't their fault. But I find the name of the company interesting. Please do note this crime on your website as it is a huge blow to law enforcement in our area. I mean in a prepared firefight is one to die in the line of duty, but in a coffee shop? Harald, Tacoma, WA

Well, it wasn't that I put anything before another, it was just that one event had already unfolded and one was still being played out. Okay, serious question. Given this douchebag was shot and killed this morning, does the bond agent get his money back? I mean technically he's been returned to custody, right? I'm sure Huckabee is going to catch his fair share of shit too, for having granted him Clemency while he was governor.

This video is almost ten minutes long, but trust me it's well fucking worth it. It's titled, "The Ultimate Rube Goldberg Machine," and is a visual representation of the Big Bang and the creation of our universe. Who knew the moon was created when Mars size rock named Theia slammed into our planet about 4.5 billion years ago? That's just cooooool.

Okay, motivational posters. There's a ton of them out there, and I love them as much as the next guy. I don't even care when you politicize them. But if you're going to politicize them and quote zombie movies, I just ask that you quote them correctly. It should read, "When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth." When you quote zombie movies incorrectly, it makes baby Jesus cry.

And if anyone has an active Carfax, can you run a report on WAUML64B34N028596 and fire it off to me?

twilight new moon. all boiled down to one minute.

chick holding a huge revolver in front of her face. guess how it ends.

fitness myth busters, abs, weightloss, toning, weight training, cardio high reps.

florida stone crab, cluster bomb, yellow jacket, hells angels, united states bullion depository.


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