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Ernie's House of Whoop Ass!
February 27, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

why you are not as awesome as a dog.

five movies one flaw away from being perfect.

breast reduction, the hiller x-18, and obstructive sleep apnea.

thegloryholebook - theincredibledog - watchyourstep - whitesuzukiz400

anothernintendogirl - bicyclepantieflash - jeluzmeansbigtits - pickupyourbedroom


February 26, 2010

I Wonder If She Wears A Cape?

One of the most newsworthy stories of 2010 so far. "I'm doing this to demystify abortion."

I'm All you have to do is follow the clues and then you too can understand famous Blaxploitation quotes, you buttery motherfucker!

Oh my God, this fucking Windows is really getting on my nerves. So yes, based upon all the completely glowing reviews of Windows 7, that's in store for this weekend while I'm catching up on the Olympics. Hey did anyone else catch the Japanese curling team?

Hey good news! Kevin Smith quit living dangerously, took control of his weight and even came out with his own celebrity diet. Nah, I'm just kidding.

How to live to be 100. But if it doesn't include booze and broads, who wants to?

Ernie, it's not quite time to ride the bike to work here in your beloved Roc. I took this photo on my way in the door this morning, we got about a foot of snow last night. Thanks for the site - Chris

Robert Kelly talks about his flaccid penis and his partner’s love for it in this great clip pulled from the Laugh Factory’s new web series “The Kevin Nealon Show.” Watch this with your headphones on... unless your boss is cool comparing a man’s junk to the world’s saddest water balloon.

celebrities who've gone nakey in photo shoots.

sorry jeff & mike, but this jew stereotype seems to be true.

hilary duff thanks her boyfriend for proposing. wink, wink, nudge, nudge.


February 25, 2010

Now What's That Big White And Black Thing Called Again?

Adorable Whale? No. Beautiful Whale? No. Clean Whale? No. Drab Whale? No. Elegant Whale? No. Fancy Whale? No. Glamorous Whale? No. Handsome Whale? No. Long Whale? No. Magnificent Whale? No. Old-fashioned Whale? No. Plain Whale? No. Quaint Whale? No. Sparkling Whale? No. Ugliest Whale? No. Unsightly Whale? No. Wide-eyed Whale? No. Red Whale? No. Orange Whale? No. Yellow Whale? No. Green Whale? No. Blue Whale? No. Purple Whale? No. Gray Whale? No. Black Whale? No. White Whale? No. Alive Whale? No. Better Whale? No. Careful Whale? No. Clever Whale? No. Dead Whale? No. Easy Whale? No. Famous Whale? No. Gifted Whale? No. Helpful Whale? No. Important Whale? No. Inexpensive Whale? No. Mushy Whale? No. Odd Whale? No. Powerful Whale? No. Rich Whale? No. Shy Whale? No. Tender Whale? No. Uninterested Whale? No. Vast Whale? No. Wrong Whale? No. Angry Whale? No. Bewildered Whale? No. Clumsy Whale? No. Defeated Whale? No. Embarrassed Whale? No. Fierce Whale? No. Grumpy Whale? No. Helpless Whale? No. Itchy Whale? No. Jealous Whale? No. Lazy Whale? No. Mysterious Whale? No. Nervous Whale? No. Obnoxious Whale? No. Panicky Whale? No. Repulsive Whale? No. Scary Whale? No. Thoughtless Whale? No. Uptight Whale? No. Worried Whale? No. Agreeable Whale? No. Brave Whale? No. Calm Whale? No. Delightful Whale? No. Eager Whale? No. Faithful Whale? No. Gentle Whale? No. Happy Whale? No. Jolly Whale? No. Kind Whale? No. Lively Whale? No. Nice Whale? No. Obedient Whale? No. Proud Whale? No. Relieved Whale? No. Silly Whale? No. Thankful Whale? No. Victorious Whale? No. Witty Whale? No. Zealous Whale? No. Broad Whale? No. Chubby Whale? No. Crooked Whale? No. Curved Whale? No. Deep Whale? No. Flat Whale? No. High Whale? No. Hollow Whale? No. Low Whale? No. Narrow Whale? No. Round Whale? No. Shallow Whale? No. Skinny Whale? No. Square Whale? No. Steep Whale? No. Straight Whale? No. Wide Whale? No. Big Whale? No. Colossal Whale? No. Fat Whale? No. Gigantic Whale? No. Great Whale? No. Huge Whale? No. Immense Whale? No. Large Whale? No. Little Whale? No. Mammoth Whale? No. Massive Whale? No. Miniature Whale? No. Petite Whale? No. Puny Whale? No. Scrawny Whale? No. Short Whale? No. Small Whale? No. Tall Whale? No. Teeny Whale? No. Teeny-tiny Whale? No. Tiny Whale? No. Cooing Whale? No. Deafening Whale? No. Faint Whale? No. Hissing Whale? No. Loud Whale? No. Melodic Whale? No. Noisy Whale? No. Purring Whale? No. Quiet Whale? No. Raspy Whale? No. Screeching Whale? No. Thundering Whale? No. Voiceless Whale? No. Whispering Whale? No. Ancient Whale? No. Brief Whale? No. Early Whale? No. Fast Whale? No. Late Whale? No. Long Whale? No. Modern Whale? No. Old Whale? No. Old-fashioned Whale? No. Quick Whale? No. Rapid Whale? No. Short Whale? No. Slow Whale? No. Swift Whale? No. Young Whale? No. Bitter Whale? No. Delicious Whale? No. Fresh Whale? No. Greasy Whale? No. Juicy Whale? No. Hot Whale? No. Icy Whale? No. Loose Whale? No. Melted Whale? No. Nutritious Whale? No. Prickly Whale? No. Rainy Whale? No. Rotten Whale? No. Salty Whale? No. Sticky Whale? No. Strong Whale? No. Sweet Whale? No. Tart Whale? No. Tasteless Whale? No. Uneven Whale? No. Weak Whale? No. Wet Whale? No. Wooden Whale? No. Yummy Whale? No. Boiling Whale? No. Breeze Whale? No. Broken Whale? No. Bumpy Whale? No. Chilly Whale? No. Cold Whale? No. Cool Whale? No. Creepy Whale? No. Crooked Whale? No. Cuddly Whale? No. Curly Whale? No. Damaged Whale? No. Damp Whale? No. Dirty Whale? No. Dry Whale? No. Dusty Whale? No. Filthy Whale? No. Flaky Whale? No. Fluffy Whale? No. Freezing Whale? No. Hot Whale? No. Warm Whale? No. Wet Whale? No. Abundant Whale? No. Empty Whale? No. Few Whale? No. Full Whale? No. Heavy Whale? No. Light Whale? No. Many Whale? No. Numerous Whale? No. Sparse Whale? No. Substantial Whale? No. Killer Whale? YES!

You know, I never really quite noticed how homoerotic most of Maxim's advertising was. "The naked army medics in the #1 spot could be from Maxim’s gadget section, showcasing the latest in military X-ray optics. The Viagra ad in #2 is perfect for the Maxim reader whose erection got confused by six pages of lingerie girls surrounded by 80 pages of men with wet shirts and bulging junk."

Ernie, I thought you might get a kick out of this. Never get married. Bobby

Crushing watermelons? Eh. A woman crushing watermelons? Now you have my attention. But a woman crushing watermelons.... with her thighs? Uhhhh? That kinda scares me.

it's tax time: turbotax vs h&r block at home.

you want me to show you tough? i'll show you tough.

the british pow who broke into auschwitz ­ and survived.


February 24, 2010

Look Out, It's A Rampaging Vicious Weiner!

Spork is a ten year old, seventeen pound little Weiner dog ( Dachshund ) facing the death penalty because he bit a Veterinary tech on the chin last August. Spork, the ‘vicious Weiner dog’ who has been seen on animal magazine covers and is so gentle he cries for his blanket, is facing euthanasia…his fate is in the hands of Lafayette, CO., prosecutor Ralph Josephson. I can’t help but wonder if Mr. Josephson is a Michael Vick fan. The thought of Josephson, who apparently is as tenacious as a pit bull in persecuting Spork, has a whole lot of animal lovers upset. And angry.

Spork, the vicious Weiner dog needed dental work done last August. He had been to Jasper Animal Hospital in Lafayette, CO, many times for check-ups and shots, and like most dogs, didn’t care much for the visit. However, he never acted out…he had even been seen by the Veterinarian a week prior to the ‘incident’ for his dental problems. It was determined the little guy need oral surgery and the date was set. Like most living creatures facing dental appointments, Spork was a bit nervous; unusually so for him this time, according to some staff members. Long story short, when the veterinarian technician came close to his face with a pair of scissors, he nipped / bit the tech on the chin. Now Spork was being held by his “Mom” at this time and she wasn’t even aware it had happened until it the vet tech stood up.

The animal hospital and technician immediately filed reports with animal control…which lead to Kelly Walker ( Spork’s ‘Mom’ ) receiving a ticket charging her with owning a “vicious dog.” Mrs. Walker and her husband decided to fight the ticket and have spent over $6,000.00 so far in legal fees. Before you gasp and say oh no!, finish reading, please.

Ernie, It's been a while since I've written to you, but could you make mention of this article please. As a dog owner, I'm sure you can understand these situations. City of Lafayette contact information: City Council - Mayor - Thanks. Will

Odd that the timing of this worked out as it did, but when Bianca was at the vet's getting checked over, they of course muzzled her. Why? Because she's a terrible viscious dog? No. But because they're not dumbasses and realize that when they are working on a scared, wounded animal that is in pain, anything can happen. I'm sure most vet techs understand this as well, but this one that worked on Spork just happened to be a cunt, evidently. And seriously, like the city of Layfayette has so much fucking money falling out of the skies, that they have the money to pursue charges over a fucking dog that *CLEARLY* isn't a threat to anyone not holding a pair of sharp scissors right in his face? In addition to the mayor & city council's contact info, I tried to find a way to contact Ralph Josephson, but came up empty. Then I looked for an actual website for the vet clinic in question, but couldn't find one so for shits and grins here's the Jasper Veterinary Hospital contact info, too.

We've all heard Epic Beard Man's side of the story, now let's hear from Michael, EBM's victim. On a side note, my guess is the engagament is off, after Michael's fiance watched him get his fucking ass beat by a 67 year old white man.

Pro Wrestling has always held a certain fascination. You know you’re looking at a carnival that’s basically a bizarre soap opera for men and adolescent boys, but in all honesty, that’s kind of the attraction. Wrestling has serious staying power too, while it has it’s up and downs it always has a core audience that is obsessed with the product. If you’re in doubt check out any random wrestler’s inevitably exhaustive Wikipedia change. The fandom easily rivals other stereotypically nerdy pastimes like Star Trek or video games, but with wrestling you’ve got the bonus of always having some great eye candy hanging around. That’s what we’re interested in today, as we count down the all time hottest women of wrestling. My personal favorite from old school wrestling was Sable, who joined wrestling back in 1994, becoming one of the first Divas in the WWF. I am eagerly awaiting to see Stacy Keibler follow in her Playboy footsteps, but so far, because these fakes just don't cut it.

stereotypes for users of forty websites.

i quit. in the most spectacular way possible.

nascar is racist - they don't give a razor to the black guy! ha!


February 23, 2010

No, This Is Not A Repost, Unfortunately.

Ike and Bianca had their first second 'discussion' on Saturday evening last night. And by 'discussion' I mean 'knock down drag out fight' and by 'evening' I mean ten fifteen minutes before the vet's office closed for the day.'

See, here's the deal. While you'd like to think the new dog is going to be a perfect little princess, the fact is both dogs were alpha dogs in their respective homes; Ike here and Bianca at her former residence. The trouble is because they're both adult dogs, neither is was willing to surrender dominance to the other. Ike kind of ignores is now submissive to and thus has gotten along with Bianca most of the time for the last six months no problem, but and there's a lot of not much growling on Bianca's part anymore, and she just turns into the dragon lady doesn't turn into the dragon lady either, which is something I'm working I've worked very hard to break her of. Now Ike is a very well behaved and peaceful dog. And while he doesn't show aggression towards other dogs, if they start shit he tends to finish it. So Ike was on the couch side of the hot tub with his racquet ball and rough housing with a buddy of mine watching Bianca swim little doggie laps. Bianca comes up behind Ike and postures herself standing over him, very stiff and with her tail straight up in the air. For you non-dog owners -- you poor fuckers -- this is an aggressive stance trying to show dominance over the other dog. And Barker is a non-dog owner, so he didn't recognize this warning sign as the calm before the storm. Ike play growls whines with Barker. Bianca real growls with Ike gets picked up out of the hot tub by Barker. Bianca touches her nose Ike rushes up to the back of Ike's neck (more aggressive posturing) Bianca when he puts her down, and Ike Bianca has none of it. A nip from him, a nip by her and a full blown dog fight ensues. And keep in mind this is after playing quite peacefully together for about two and a half hours six months before this explosion of fur and fang.

Now normally I'd be able to break the fight up instantly with some nice Wolverine'worthy yelling and a few newspaper swats on the ass. However I happened to be outside at the grocery store, face stuffed into the new A/C condenser checkout line taking a closer look paying the bill and thus didn't hear the festivities unfolding inside a mile and a half away. And as Barker was unable to break up the dog fight -- picking up one dog and bringing the other dog in its jaws with it is not the solution -- the dogs went round and round until I happened to wander in his girlfriend called me a few minutes later and said, "Uh, your dogs are fighting." I was able to I told them to throw both entrenched dogs in the pool which got them apart almost instantly and oh boy, there will be blood and rushed home driving 70mph through some residential areas before skidding to a stop in the vacant lot next to my house. Bianca looked like she had just performed open heart surgery on someone because the front of her was a scarlet red. Ike had blood on him, but being pitch black you really couldn't see the blood directly, but rather the glistening on his coat. I get the dogs calmed down and take a closer look at the damage. Bianca is bleeding profusely from two four holes on her front left leg legs and chest. Well, not profusely like Kill Bill arterial spray bleeding, but a slow steady ooze. She of course doesn't let me touch it so I can't do any direct pressure to try and stop the bleeding. I finally get her wrapped in a towel to at least contain the mess rush her to the vet. Ike faired much somewhat better than Bianca, he's only got a three or four cut cuts over his left eye that looks more like it came from a boxing match than a dog fight. A big goop Several big goops of Neosporin and he's fine okay. Given the amount of time they had to throw down, I think they were lucky dogs that nothing was too serious they aren't fucking dead.

Bianca on the other hand required gauze pads and medical tape an emergency trip to the vet to stem the bleeding, and then of course by the time that's done, the vet's normal business hours are closed. Now I'm King Asshole and have to make a judgement call as to whether or not to call the emergency line (read as BIG $$$). Ultimately I decide not to because the bleeding stops does not stop and she can can't bear weight on the leg, although a little awkwardly because of how I have it taped up. Don't worry, it wasn't too tight, and her circulation was fine. One half of a Benadryl Several prescription medications later and each dog is resting comfortably. The next morning Bianca goes to the vet, and $338 $416 dollars worth of sedation, leg shaving, debrieding, cleaning, x-raying, pain killing and antibioticing later... I get to pick her up take her home with a big fucking Elizabethan collar on her head. The three wounds aren't are big tearing gashes but rather plus two small and deep punctures, the result of a nice clean several chomp(s), courtesy of Ike. She spent the vast majority of Sunday last night locked in a crate in order to keep her somewhat immobile, but she seems doesn't seem to be hobbling around a little any better this morning. She is now resting quite uncomfortably under my feet. is this is an insance coincidence?

Ernie, Looks like Ric Flair’s wife wanted to be the man, so she beat her man. Wooooooooooo! Too funny. Ryan

Two and a Half Men. I’m not a fan of the show anymore, since fart jokes don't work well with a kid sho can shave but I’m a fan of the guy who meticulously removed the laugh track from this scene and inserted his own reaction to the show's "comedy."

Happened this morning here in Orange County, CA. Authorities say she was taking a prospective buyer out for a test-drive. Photo gallery included in link. Guy.

Normally, this is where I would make a woman driver joke, but I'll leave that up to Sarah Silverman. Who started out with some pretty humble roots, but now the same chick who makes Holocaust vagina jokes says that fat chicks are off limits. Whatever.

how to cook food on your car's engine.

'burn notice' gets in on david caruso. BRUCE CAMPBELL RULES.


February 22, 2010

This Past Weekend, I Got Vista Fucked Again.

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

My quick little fix to get rid of the Vista Anti-Virus 2010 virus? Yeah, not so effective after all. I sat down at my computer on Sunday morning to find a C++ compiler working on something, and given that I have long since forgotten how to program in C++, elected for the good old trusty OOBE. And it's here where I'd really like to point out what an enormous raging, stinky piece of shit that Windows Vista is. Because once upon a time, back when Windows NT rules the land and Windows XP was a household name, there were Service Packs. In layman's terms, Service Packs are big collections of tiny little bug fixes, all rolled up into one gig fix. Apply the Service Pack, and you're effectively applying hundreds of tiny little fixes -- it was quick and it easy. Life was good. Then someone at Microsoft decided that he hated America, and from the loins of this black soulless pit, Windows Vista was born. With Vista it's not as easy as just applying a Service Pack to get yourself patched up to where you want to be, oh no. You've got to apply dozens of tiny little fixes first, before you can even get to the point of being able to successfully download a service pack.

And you'd think it'd be as easy as letting the "Auto Update" feature download and install all the fixes you'd need right? THE JOKE IS ON YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! because it works like this: Check for recommended updates. Find 33 of them. Select OK, install. It downloads 33, installs 22 and pukes. Now you have to reboot and see if the original ones took or not? They did. Okay, install the remaining 11. Status bar scrolls, and scrolls, and scrolls, and scrolls. Okay, cancel. Reboot. Check for updates. Find 13. (uh, I thought there were only 11 to go?). Okay, install the 13. Complete. Reboot. Check for updates. Find 4 more to install. (WTF?!). Install those 4. Reboot. Check updates. Find 2. (uhhh, Beavis?). And you have to do all this shit over and over and get all the security updates installed -- you can't say fuck it halfway through and try to get some work done, otherwise you're surfing the web with your computer exposed to attack.

I understand the concept of software patches building upon themselves but what the fuck, I also understand the concept of rollup patches, too. Evidently, no one at the new and improved Microsoft has caught on to this concept yet. In the good old days I would be able to perform a fresh install of my OS, download and apply the latest Service Pack and just like that, be awful fucking close to the latest software release. Spend another half an hour to install a few random platform specific patches and boom... after 2-3 hours from start to finish, it's go time.

There was a time not too long ago when you really had to have a lot of computer experience to work on the hardware of a computer. You had to have a good understanding of DMA channels and Interrupt sharing, and manually setting bus frequencies and such. But the technology has improved to the point to where any fucking simpleton with an oppposable thumb can add a peripheral device in two minutes flat without doing any more work than reading a four-step instruction card with bold print. The software side of the house hasn't caught up there yet. Why? Because it doesn't need to -- who is Microsoft's competitor? Apple? Sure if you want to forget the last five hundred years of PC training and start out like a fucking n00b again. And so PC software repair stays complicated. Well, that's not entirely correct. Complicated isn't the right word. I'm okay with complicated. Fuck I even enjoy it sometimes. I just don't want it to be so motherfucking tedious. You just keep playing this fucking game.... check, install, reboot, check, install, reboot... over and fucking over. And before you know it, a full fucking day sneaks by with you doing nothing more than sitting at your fucking computer clicking "I AGREE" and "OK".

So I guess my point of this little rant... you people running Windows 7 -- is it really the sweetheart that everyone says it is?

Hi Ernie, Also, in Cleurie, a small village in the Vosges area, near Nancy, I met a local in a bar who introduced me to different "eau de vie", which I methodically sampled. We were getting pretty drunk and somehow we started talking about hunting, guns and millitary collectibles and at one point he invited me over to his cousin's place to drink some more and take a look at what he claimed to be a pretty nice collection of WW2 stuff. Well he wasn't lying nor did he want to drug me and steal my kidneys... Here's the nicest personal WW2 collection I have yet to see, it's hosted on my webserver. Cheers! Keep your site rocking and caring for our boys overseas! Phil

What's that old joke? "FOR SALE: French WWII rifles. Like New. Only dropped once." Anyway, want to know why the Germans are winning the auto war? Here's a 1974 Volkswagon Beetle commercial with the car pulling a trailer with 360 degree maneuverability. And nowadays, they're squeezing 550 horsepower out of a V6. And yet Chevy can't manage to put two 12 volt plugs in their minivan unless you pay extra for it. Sieg heil.

Most of our favorite celebrities are smokin’ hot babes that are almost impossible to look away from, but they weren’t always gorgeous starlets with ridiculously amazing bodies. Whether performing in children’s competitions or simply attending the local school, every one of these Hollywood lovelies had to start out somewhere — as a kid. Some of them were super cute, while others may shock you with a unibrow or goofy smile delusive of the sexy celeb they would become later in life. Here’s a look at stars long before they became delectable babes and one unfortunate bonus.

Ernie, As I was doing more research on the Epic Beard Man. I came across this interview done shortly after the Fight Video came to light. Andrew

To catch a chatroulette predator - this is a piece of trolling worthy of Chris Hansen himself.

lindsay lohan is *nearly* topless...again.

ever wonder what a sonic boom actually looks like?

remember i said the 'shit my dad says' movie is gonna be stupid? shit just got real.


February 20, 2010

Before I Was So Ravishing Rick Rudely Interrupted.

A few people had some comments regarding Kevin Smith, and I was going to address them yesterday, before I was so rudely interrupted by that fucking virus.

Dude, you must have gotten beat up by a fat boy (or girl) when you were little. You go on about fat people a leeeeetle too much for there not be a history behind it. Fat dude sit on your head at recess? Fat girl turn you down cold when you ask her to the prom? Fat Aunt Gertie make you a man? Oh, and the only one bitching/crying about Kevin Smith being fat is you. Smith wasn't crying about it, he said 'Shit man, I'm fat. I really need to do something.' Yours is the only site I've seen kicking this around (it IS an awesome site, btw). Some people are fat. Get over it, but continue to kick ass. P.S. God. Obama. Bomb. (Just to give the FBI something to do.) -- Ricardo

as usual, you hit the nail right on the head. When I first heard it on the news my first reaction was, lose some weight you fat fuck. I have been on a plane next to a cow before. My ticket cost just as much as lard asses but I had to suffer. Well said Ernie, Steve

Go easy on Kevin. His movies are great, his Q&A sessions are funny as hell. He was mad because they threw him off a plane. Anyone who gets thrown off a plane would probably be mad, but because he is fat everyone is attacking him. Why he fly's Southwest I will never understand, but give us fatties a little room. And I think George Lopez is funny as hell. But to each his own. Keep up the good work, I love the site. Ted

the light speed dream is dead (for now).

the top ten hottest women in country music.

apollo 11, les stroud, richard pryor, and concussions.

kevin smith back in 2006 when he wasn't such a fat bastard.


February 19, 2010

Yeah, I Took One Of These This Morning.

My morning ritual is kind of set in stone: wake up, walk dogs, feed dogs, start coffee, check news, drink coffee, browse web, take crap, update EHOWA.

Now given that I'm not dead, yes I woke up this morning. Furthermore, given that EHOWA wasn't updated until now, one can surmise that something went wrong somewhere between steps #2 (walk dogs) and #8 (take crap). And if you did surmise such a thing, well you'd be correct. Truth be told, the wheels came off this wagon in step #7 (surf the web). Yep, this morning I got popped by the ever present "Vista AntiVirus 2010" virus.

And whose fault was it? Mine. I was in an all fire ass hurry to open a bunch of windows so I started clicking like a madman, and that coupled with the "Mouse Snap To" option, meant I inadvertently clicked yes to am "allow this download?" dialog box that I shouldn't have. Within ten seconds or so, sure enough, up pops this window of the awesome new software I just agreed to download, telling me I had viruses in my computer and would I like to purchase their software to clean my computer. FUUUUUUUUUUU-UUUUU!

But truth be told, it wasn't that bad and I got rid of it quite easily. Here's what I did. First I shut down my computer and unplugged all my removable storage devices (e.g. external USB drives). This is where I have all my important data stored, so worst case scenario if I have to OOBE, I don't have to worry. Then I reboot, but bring the computer up in Safe Mode. This can be done by pressing F8 immediately after the computer powers up, and before the Microsoft logo appears. Up in Safe Mode, I started the System Restore Wizard and started a restore to a point two days ago, just for goood measure.

Once that was done, all obvious traces of the virus were gone; no more popups, no more fake virus alerts, no more suspicious processes running. Now I looked at my anti-virus software -- my beloved Webroot -- and said what the fuck? Well what happens in the virus creator vs anti-virus creator war is each time a new virus is identified, that virus definition is added to the anti-virus database. In turn, the virus creators modify the code just a little bit, so now it doesn't fit the existing definition any longer, and re-releases the virus out into the world. The anti-virus guys get a copy of the new virus, create a new definition, and the whole cycle starts all over again. I just happened to catch something new, that's all.

But like the old saying goes, fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. It fool me. We can't get fooled again.

No, wait. Anyway, what I mean to say is for additional security, I installed a second anti-virus program -- Avast -- to work hand-in-hand with Webroot. The two seem to function fine together -- sometimes installing two anti-virus programs will cause conflicts as the two detect each other as viruses, haha. One thing the Avast does that I really like, is allow for a scan on bootup. And when I say bootup, I mean old school white text on a black background DOS window type scan. So, now I'm back up and safe and sound. I think I spent twice as much time going through the system to make sure it was clean, than actually cleaning it. The worst part is I had to do everything while pinching my asscheeks closed because I had to crap so bad. Anyway, this of course means I'll have to do a more robust update this weekend!

lindsey vonn? oh yeah, she's in the rolodex.

nasioc scam artist busted and charged with multiple felonies.

tiger woods press conference apology video.


February 18, 2010

It's Hot In Here. Take Off That Jacket, Honey.

Wow, someone was a little pissed off about being audited, eh?

So anyway I watched Lindsey Vonn ski to her first Olympic gold medal last night. I also watched the French chick fall on her fat ass about fifty yards out of the gate, too. That made me LOLz. So of course after her event, the reporter runs up to interview her, and you could tell this chick was really fucking stoked. She was so close to crying that she could barely formulate words, let along string them along into sentences. I actually got a little choked up watching her and it made me feel really proud of my country. Then she ran off to hug her husband. Miserable bitch. And with Shaun White just going crazy shit on a snowboard that makes people dizzy just watching it, it's no wonder the US has taken a commanding lead in the medal count. It almost seems unfair, to be honest. Kinda makes me long for the competition of the good ol USSR. At least the comrades knew how to throw down, especially when it came to ice hockey, eh?

Ever wonder what happens when a dude gets kicked in the balls by an MMA fighter and American Gladiator? Apparently, this Roy Kirby guy has been hit in the balls so many times that they've toughened up and also given up on telling his brain that it hurts. Good for him? It was all worth it for them to be able to show that kick about 200 times in a five minute video.

Hi Ernie, Andrew asked about further details and a easy Google search found this. Interesting comments at end. Cheers, SSG Mischke

It seems everyone is getting onboard the Epic Beard Man train, and someone actually tracked him down. Turns out Thomas Bruso, aka Vietnam Tom, aka Epic Beard Man, may be the baddest 67 year old man on the planet. And he's also got a checkered pas that involves a baseball game and a tazer.

The massive ranks of those who live to entertain, are sometimes thinned by the Darwinian forces of dramatic irony. Wether on stage, on screen, or on a high-wire, the cold, bony finger of Death himself has pointed at many a star. Heart attacks seem to be a prime culprit, obviously some entertainers enjoy culinary pleasures a bit to much. For others, it’s suicide, injury, and — on more than occasion — rampant stupidity. From the hilarious to the macabre, here are sixteen entertainers who died doing what they do best: attempting to entertain a bored and jaded audience.

how to argue like a girl. step 1: talk non-stop.

audi r8 5.2 v10 w/(525 hp vs audi rs6 evotech w/750 hp.

i eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast - hey it's that guy!


February 17, 2010

Yes, That's What Today Is, Unfortunately.

Think you're having trouble sleeping lately? Read the first comment on Marine Lance Cpl. Ryan S. McCurdy's memorial page.

There are dozens of reasons not to drink bottled water. According to a 2001 report of the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF), roughly 1.5 million tons of plastic are expended in the bottling of 89 billion liters of water each year. Besides the sheer number of plastic bottles produced each year, the energy required to manufacture and transport these bottles to market severely drains limited fossil fuels. Bottled water companies, due to their unregulated use of valuable resources and their production of billions of plastic bottles have presented a significant strain on the environment. And the only reason I can give you to drink bottled water is this.

Most of us have to drive through access gates at some point of our driving careers. We have had numerous incidents with gates swinging in the wind and hitting vehicles. This guy caught a gate that was probably hidden by the tree line as he rounded the corner. Share the following pictures as you see fit with your work groups. Look at all four pictures to see how lucky this guy really was. Greg

And revisiting the topic from yesterday's post, if I didn't know any better I'd swear that Kevin Smith's World of Warcraft account has been hacked! Ha!

There are a lot of things on TV that just don't happen in the real world: Nobody lives in a huge apartment in New York for a hundred bucks a month; single men don't adopt adorable moppets to sass up their lives; the ratio of fat guy to hot wife is substantially lower; and when George Lopez tells a joke, nobody laughs. But even unoriginal writing has to come from somewhere, and some of Hollywood's most outlandish plot twists didn't come from the booze-soaked mind of a hack writer; they came right from the damn newspaper.

Ernie, I'm a long time reader, since high school, which was years ago. I'm also an Army Veteran, currently a college student at the University of Maryland. GO TERPS! I found this video recently. I'm looking for the backstory but can't find it. Either way, I thought you would enjoy watching a young whippersnapper, getting his ass kicked by a 67 year old man. By the way, I want to point out, it's never good to fuck with a man who's t-shirt reads, "I am a Motherfucker". Andrew

In a prank that reminded me of that Japanese game show from a few years back, when a stunt driver took over a taxi with a hidden camera, Carl Edwards & Clint Bowyer drop an unsuspecting passenger off at the airport... in record time.

Every year around Spring Break and Mardi Gras young women contract Girls Gone Wild Syndrome at alarming rates. The GGW Clinic in Sarasota Springs, NY is doing its part to keep this terrible illness from becoming a pandemic. Boooo!

Alright big dawg, you've GOT to mention Tanitha Belbin. Her name sounds like a liver function but what a goddess!!! Chris

Good eye, Chris. Despite the fact that she was born in Canada, Tanitha managed to get ranked #5 of the 25 hottest Olympians. No word on where this girl would rank.

I’ve seen cats do some weird stuff including drink from a running tap. I had one cat that would not drink from anything except from the toilet, like a dog! But not this method! Shumpy

Presuming that this picture was taken, eh, let's say 1945'ish at the end of WWII, and further presuming that the ladies were around 25 years old at the time, that would mean their tits are around 90 years old right now. Enjoy that thought for the rest of the day.

2010 brand keys customer loyalty engagement index


February 16, 2010

Quit Crying, You Fat Bastard.

Dude, I love your movies, I really do. Well, most of them anyway. And I think you're a creative genius. Clerks was revolutionary and I don't think anyone has summed up my views of organized religion better than you did in Dogma. Now Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back? Not an Oscar contender, sure, but two good solid hours of entertainment especially with Eliza Dushku running around in a leather bodysuit. What I'm trying to say is I love you man, I really do. But you've got to stop crying like a little bitch. Or as a bg fat bitch, as the case may be.

Look. A year and a half ago you were so fucking fat you broke someone's toilet when you sat on it. An event which by the way, reminded me of that Yo Momma joke, "Yo Momma so fat she fell in love and broke it." But seriously, I was a little sad for you when that happened. But then you wrote on your blog about how breaking the toilet was an awakening for you, and that you were going to do something about your weight. And for the first time in a long time, it seemed like someone in Hollywood was actually taking responsibilty for their own problems. Dare I say, it made me kind of proud to be one of your fans. So here we are a year and a half later and while you're not as heavy as you were then, you're still a big fuckin boy. And since you routinely buy two airline seats when you fly, you're obviously not in denial about the size of your big fat ass. Now you're an intelligent person, and you're well aware of the risks of being so Goddamned fat. But that's okay, Kevin. Because if you're okay with it, then fuck man, we're okay with it too. Just keep making your awesome movies, and when by they come up with a cure for diabates I'm sure you'll be able to afford it.

But until then, when you get punted off a plane for being a "customer of size"? Do us all a favor and don't fucking cry about it. I'm sure it was embarassing for you but there were a lot of ways you could have handled what happened. Like for starters, don't be so fucking fat. Instead, and in typical celeb fashion, you chose the path of least resistance; blame everybody but yourself. Here's a newsflash, Kevin. It's not Southwest's fault that you decided to give up your two seat-wide berth in order to try and shoehorn yourself into a single seat on an earlier flight. It's not Southwest's fault that you CNN's headlines read, "Kevin Smith too fat to fly on Southwest" -- it's your own fucking fault. If they didn't have to kill seven cows to make you a belt, this wouldn't have happened. If you're embarassed that you're being portrayed as a two ton fatty in the media, then the only person you have to blame is yourself. How about you take some Goddamned responsibility for what happened? Wanna bitch about someone? Bitch about that fat guy in the mirror. Want to Tweet to your fans about a scortched earth policy? Why don't you try scorching your abs with some situps first. And suggesting that you were punted not because of your size, but because someone at Southwest didn't like your movies? Dude, get over yourself. You're not that important. God damn, Silent Bob, man the fuck up. Being able to buckle a seat belt should be an everyday event, not a fucking cause for celebration. So instead of bragging about how you can afford to always buy two plane tickets, why don't you try spending a little of that dough on a gym membership. Me thinks you're dangerously close to turn into into just another Hollywood asshole. How deliciously appropriate that your upcoming movie is titled, Cop Out.

Hey Ernie, My grandmas sister married a German Man and he was a "Nazi". Uncle Willie was without a doubt one of the most interesting people to talk to. He didn't have a anti Semitic view or view people of a different race as lesser then himself. When I was in High School I told my History Teacher who my uncle was and he asked if I could write a paper on him. I tried, but Uncle Willie would have nothing to do with it. He didn't mind sharing stories, but living here in the states and the reputation the Nazi's received I'm sure made him a little uneasy to share his life experiences with just anyone, let alone have a paper written about him. The way he always described it to me was he didn't have a choice, you either fought for the German Army or suffer what ever punishment they thought necessary. He went into the aviation field and worked on Helicopters. He was a great guy, and some of his stories were beyond cool. He was a very proud man. When I was younger he showed me his old uniform once. I was in complete awe. When he passed away I looked everywhere for that uniform in his house, I couldn't find it for the life of me. Regards, Sean

I happen to agree with you; honestly, I don't think you can blame the common soldier for what they did during a war. It's all point of view, and the military doesn't really condone thinking for yourself during times of battle. Simply put, it's a horrible situation for any man to be put into, and while we may not agree with either side (or more likely demonize the enemy), the average joe, heinrich, johan, or abdul fighting on the front lines probably doesn't want to be there either. Anyway, the real reason I wrote was to link you a book that i'd read as a kid, and was a fantastic look at how the Japanese saw WWII. Called "Samurai!", it's written from the memoirs of a Japanese Zero pilot (Mitsubishi's finest aircraft from the war), and how the perceptions of the war and the people changed from 1939-post war Japan. Worth reading, especially in light of your lastest writing. Thanks as always; I've always enjoyed EHOWA. Mason

Ernie, Just read your WWII post and would like to share my thoughts. It's not that people today are desensitized to WWII, it's just that they don't know shit about it. The average American student from 1st-12th grade spends about 9 hours of study time on the subject. Which is asinine, when you think that WWII still echos heavily on the world today. The United States, in 1941 had something like the 38th smallest army in the world. We all know what the score was in August of '45. There are a lot of sources out there that show the true carnage of WWII, which I think is important for people to see. None of this war is horrible, hide the images bullshit you see rampant through the news today. Show people what it took to fight and win a war that didn't have smart bombs and precision air strikes, armored patrol vehicles, body armor, satellite commo, GPS real-time battlefield mapping. It was men on the ground, fighting for towns, roads, islands. The pilots of fighterplanes, bombers, and scout aircraft. 1941-1945 saw some 400,000 American's lose their lives in the last war that was fought that really "needed" to be fought. As for the "Beast of Omaha" I've always found most of this story to be bullshit. I'm sure he fired his 12,000 rounds of machine gun ammo, but it sure as hell didn't take him 9 hours to do it. Not in a target rich environment, with a MG-42 (standard German machine gun for both fixed position and infantry support) in his hands. Even if he, being untested and new to combat, held to the 250-300 round per minute average to keep his barrel from warping due to the heat, that is only 48 minutes of fire time. The math just doesn't work out....it would mean, on average, he only fired 22-23 bullets per minute. With that kind of low rate of fire, his position would have been over run. It just doesn't make sense. There was never a lack of targets that would explain such a low rate of fire. It's not as if he fired solid for an hour then had an hour of not having to fire. It's just nonsensical. I, however, haven't talked to him, and certainly wasn't there. So the history books tell the story as it's believed. Thanks for taking the time to post a bit about WWII. It's a subject always close to my heart...my grandpa was a Navy veteran serving in the war. Keep up the good work, Luke.

It is no mystery that the allure of a beautiful woman is irresistible for many. It can be nearly impossible to deny the urge to stare at an amazing woman without shame. That being said, there is more to a Cage Girl than her pretty smile. Surely she has something more to offer than a face and figure that is easy on the eyes.

blake lively might do playboy, hooray!

kasey kahne & denny hamlin surprise david in the steam room.

more adventures from woody and buzz lightyear as we await toy story 3.

blue ringed octopus, rhytidectomy (facelift), saint valentine's day massacre, big mac index.


February 15, 2010

Happy President's Day.

Eight Presidents were born British subjects: Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, J. Q. Adams, Jackson, and W. Harrison.

Nine Presidents never attended college: Washington, Jackson, Van Buren, Taylor, Fillmore, Lincoln, A. Johnson, Cleveland, and Truman. The college that has the most presidents as alumni (six in total) is Harvard: J. Adams, J. Q. Adams, T. Roosevelt, F. Roosevelt, Kennedy, G. W. Bush (business school), and Barack Obama (law school). Yale is a close second, with five presidents as alumni: Taft, Ford (law school), G.H.W. Bush, Clinton (law school), and G. W. Bush.

Presidents who would be considered "Washington outsiders" (i.e., the 18 presidents who never served in Congress) are: Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Taylor, Grant, Arthur, Cleveland, T. Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Coolidge, Hoover, F. Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Carter, Reagan, Clinton, and G. W. Bush.

Barack Obama is our 44th president, but there actually have only been 43 presidents: Cleveland was elected for two nonconsecutive terms and is counted twice, as our 22nd and 24th president.

The most common religious affiliation among presidents has been Episcopalian, followed by Presbyterian.

The ancestry of 42 presidents is limited to the following seven heritages, or some combination thereof: Dutch, English, Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Swiss, or German.

Barack Obama is the first African American to be elected president of the United States. He was also born in Hawaii, making him the first president not born in the continental United States.

The oldest elected president was Reagan (age 69); the youngest was Kennedy (age 43). Theodore Roosevelt, however, was the youngest man to become president—he was 42 when he succeeded McKinley, who had been assassinated. THE OLDEST LIVING former president was Gerald Ford, who was born on July 14, 1913, and died on Dec.27, 2006, at age 93. The second oldest was Ronald Reagan, who also lived to be 93 years.

The tallest president was Lincoln at 6'4"; at 5'4", Madison was the shortest.

Eight left-handed presidents: James A. Garfield, Herbert Hoover, Harry S. Truman, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama.

Fourteen Presidents served as vice presidents: J. Adams, Jefferson, Van Buren, Tyler, Fillmore, A. Johnson, Arthur, T. Roosevelt, Coolidge, Truman, Nixon, L. Johnson, Ford, and George H.W. Bush.

Vice Presidents were originally the presidential candidates receiving the second-largest number of electoral votes. The Twelfth Amendment, passed in 1804, changed the system so that the electoral college voted separately for president and vice president. The presidential candidate, however, gradually gained power over the nominating convention to choose his own running mate.

For two years the nation was run by a president and a vice president who were not elected by the people. After Vice President Spiro T. Agnew resigned in 1973, President Nixon appointed Gerald Ford as vice president. Nixon resigned the following year, which left Ford as president, and Ford's appointed vice president, Nelson Rockefeller, as second in line.

Four candidates won the popular vote but lost the presidency: Andrew Jackson won the popular vote but lost the election to John Quincy Adams (1824); Samuel J. Tilden won the popular vote but lost the election to Rutherford B. Hayes (1876); Grover Cleveland won the popular vote but lost the election to Benjamin Harrison (1888); Al Gore won the popular vote but lost the election to George W. Bush (2000).

The term "First Lady" was first used in 1877 in reference to Lucy Ware Webb Hayes. Most First Ladies, including Jackie Kennedy, are said to have hated the label.

James Buchanan was the only president never to marry. Five presidents remarried after the death of their first wives—two of whom, Tyler and Wilson, remarried while in the White House. Reagan was the only divorced president. Six presidents had no children. Tyler—father of fifteen—had the most.

Presidents Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, and Kennedy were assassinated in office.

Assassination attempts were made on the lives of Jackson, T. Roosevelt, F. Roosevelt, Truman, Ford, and Reagan.

Eight Presidents died in office: W. Harrison (after having served only one month), Taylor, Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Harding, F. Roosevelt, and Kennedy.

Presidents Adams, Jefferson, and Monroe all died on the 4th of July; Coolidge was born on that day.

Kennedy and Taft are the only presidents buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

Lincoln, Jefferson, F. Roosevelt, Washington, Kennedy, and Eisenhower are portrayed on U.S. coins.

Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Jackson, Grant, McKinley, Cleveland, Madison, and Wilson are portrayed on U.S. paper currency.

just for fun, more presidential trivia.

golf club 0, toolbox 1 - it's toolbox pinata.

it's the five most badass presidents of all-time.

quiz: name all the us presidents in eight minutes or less.

president truman's warning to the japs that we'll nuke them fuckers.


February 14, 2010

Insert Your Valentines Day Weekend Joke Here.

will i get laid on valentine’s day?

the gemma atkinson lingerie photo shoot. emerson big tits.

2010 winter olympics: the hottest alexandra jekova pics on the internet.


February 12, 2010

Let's Talk World War II For A Minute.

Seventy years ago, the Soviet Union and Germany entered a trade pact in February of 1940, pursuant to which the Soviets received German military and industrial equipment in exchange for supplying raw materials to Germany to help circumvent a British blockade. We all know how that worked out for the Soviets. But one of the things that I have always found morbidly fascinating about World War II, is how desensitized to it we all are. And why shouldn't we be; with few exceptions, most the footage we ever see from WWII is in black and white, not color, and I think that blunts some of the horror from that long forgotten carnage. Take these photos of German pilots over occupied Soviet territory. It all looks so clean, so neat. But in real life were the explosions just as orange and the pools of blood just as red as those from Iraq in 2003? Do you really think the USS Arizona exploded in a subdued black puff of smoke, or a very angry red fireball that was just as terrifying and colorful as we would see today?

By early February 1943, the German Army had taken tremendous losses at Stalingrad; German troops had been forced to surrender and the front-line had been pushed back beyond its position before the summer offensive. In mid-February, after the Soviet push had tapered off, the Germans launched another attack on Kharkov, creating a salient in their front line around the Russian city of Kursk. Were the drying pools blood just as sticky now as they were seven decades ago?

I've also mentioned the Beast of Omaha before; for Hein Severloh the "Longest Day" meant nine hours constantly machine-gunning American soldiers as they attempted to land on Omaha Beach. One image still brings tears to his eyes. A young American had run from his landing craft and sought cover behind a concrete block. Severloh, then a young lance-corporal in the German army in Normandy, aimed his rifle at the GI. He fired and hit the enemy square in the forehead. The American’s helmet flew away and rolled into the sea, his chin sank to his chest and he collapsed dead on the beach. Tormented by the memory, Severloh now weeps at the thought of the unknown soldier’s death. Severloh was safe in an almost impregnable concrete bunker overlooking the beach. He had an unimpeded view of the oncoming Allied forces. He was the last German soldier firing, and may have accounted for about 3,000 American casualties, almost three-quarters of all the US losses at Omaha. The Americans came to know him as the Beast of Omaha. Severloh, then just 20, gasped when he saw the ocean. He was confronted by what seemed to be a wall of Allied ships. He said: "My God. How am I going to get out of this mess?" The veteran explained: "What could I do? I just thought that I was never going to make it to the rear. I thought that I was going to shoot for my very life. It was them or me - that is what I thought." As the landing ships neared the beach, Severloh listened to the final orders from his commander, Lieutenant Berhard Frerking. They wanted to stop the Americans while they were still in the water and could not move easily. But if he fired too soon - while the soldiers were still some way out in the water - he risked missing them. Frerking explained: "You must open fire when the enemy is knee-deep in the water and is still unable to run quickly." Severloh had seen little action before. His previous stint on the Eastern Front had been cut short by tonsillitis. But he was anything but enthusiastic. Severloh said: "I never wanted to be in the war. I never wanted to be in France. I never wanted to be in that bunker firing a machine gun. "I saw how the water sprayed up where my machine gun bursts landed, and when the small fountains came closer to the GIs, they threw themselves down. Very soon the first bodies were drifting in the waves of the rising tide. In a short time, all the Americans down there were shot." He fired for nine hours, using up all the 12,000 machine-gun rounds. The sea turned red with the blood from the bodies. When he had no more bullets for the machine-gun, he started firing on the US soldiers with his rifle, firing off another 400 rifle rounds at the terrified GIs. A leading German historical expert of the Second World War, Helmut Konrad Freiherr von Keusgen, believes Severloh may have accounted for 3,000 of the 4,200 American casualties on the day. Severloh is less sure about the number, but said: "It was definitely at least 1,000 men, most likely more than 2,000. But I do not know how many men I shot. It was awful. Thinking about it makes me want to throw up."

So with that in mind -- and with the exception of the Nazis/SS or anyone else involved in the Holocaust -- can anyone really point the finger at the common German footsoldier, handed a rifle and told to to fight on the front lines and call them evil men? Did the teenage German soldier, fighting thousands of miles away from home, have an of the atrocities being committed in the name of their homeland? What about the German bomber pilots who bombed England in a game of tit-for-tat retribution with their English adversaries? Are they evil men, too? Seventy years later, I dunno. Perhaps they were just poor unfortunate bastards caught up in a kill-or-be-killed scenario. Eh. Just food for thought as one of the many misconceptions on World War II.

Ernie, I was surfing around on the defensetech.com website and found and article on a possible new camo pattern being looked at. After doing a google search on the name of the camo, I ran across this site discussing it. It was pretty interesting and I found a funny Family Guy clip in the forum there. This video clip tied in with a pic of camo compaisons on the site that I thought was pretty funny. I hope you do too. enjoy, Zane

Dear Unexploded Ernie: Today in my neighborhood, a transformer explosion sent a fireball 10 stories into the air, showering the sidewalk with broken glass, and yet no one was hurt. A line of windows in the building was blown out, along with the Radio Shack, which is now just Shack. A report of smoke 45 minutes earlier caused a partial evacuation of the building, thus no injuries. Snow melt carrying road salt, seeping underground, often causes electrical problems and is the suspected cause of this explosion. The DSNY captain laughed when I joked: “I told ‘em not to plug the space heater into the same outlet with the hot plate, but they didn’t listen!” All the best, Howard [Google Maps location - Exterior of building from Google Maps - Exterior of the building with scorch mark from fireball - Exterior CU, showing scorched lamp globe - DSNY sweeps up the glass - NY1 news report]

In what can only be described as the most awesome Obama impersonation ever, here's President Obama reacting to the Supreme Court ruling on corporate sponsorship.

youtube video speed history - dynamic graph for your area.

usgs real-time map of earthquakes. we're all gonna fuckin die.


February 11, 2010

What's Karma? I Don't Know, It's Something Carson Daly Came Up With.

Well, I must have done something doos this week because just when you thought all hope was lost, Hollywood goes and does something worthwhile. Old and busted: Weapons of mass destruction. The new hotness: ZOMBIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION! Bonus: the heroine is Iranian. Ha!

You know what I still can't understand? How Zooey Deschanel keeps getting so much publicity -- she's like the Shia Labeouf of chicks. I mean sure I wouldn't kick her out of bed, I'm just saying there is a lot hotter talent out there. Remember back in December 2009 I linked the fifteen smokin hot female musicians. Now there are forty more incredibly sexy female musicians — and sure enough Zooey makes this list, too. What the fuck? Me? I got dibs on Greta Salpeter.

Hey Ernie, Love the site, keep it up. This is a link to a local story about recovering my brother's stolen Chevy Blazer. The cocksucker stole it out of his driveway when he went back into his house to get his lunch he left on the counter. I'm a firm believer in karma, and this dude's was dressed as a Jeep Cherokee. Thanks again... Gary

Hey Ernie, love the site dude. 56 degrees is t-shirt weather up here in Brewer, Maine... Durby

Two things come to mind. Well, okay, three. First, Durby, you my good man? Are fucking daffy. Second, I ride for fun, not out of necessity. And freezing my fucking stones off, ain't fun to me. My thighs actually hurt the next day from shivering so hard, and I had burn marks on gloves from trying to molest my engine for warmth. And third, it's all a matter of acclimation. Four years ago when I first moved down here, I was a full blooded New Englander; wearing shorts when it was 50 degrees out, swimming in 62 degree pool water, and had all my long pants buried God knows where in my closet. Hell, I gave away all of my jackets before coming down here. But now that I've been here for awhile and I've gotten used to the Florida weather? I'm ashamed to admit that I don't even walk close to the pool unless it's 75 and I wears jeans from November to March just like everyone else down here. But on the flip side I can be sitting on my bike stopped at a traffic light, in 95 degree weather during the dead of summer... and still be reasonably comfortable. Where as you would melt into a puddle of jelly. But all things equal, I'd rather live here and have to wear leathers one month out of the year, than up there and have to wear then 10 months out of the year. And let's be honest, the Winter Olympics are not exactly must see TV. However, they certainly do offer some must see hotties. Here are the Hotties To Watch For At The 21st Winter Olympic Games. Dibs on Tina Maze..

It seems like we'll be going on vacation yet again. -- Josh

You know, it's kind of funny. If you had told me about a new Vacation movie last week, I'd be skipping and doing cartwheels down the street. Especially since it's more or less going to follow the exact plotline I suggested late last month. But now having seen that fucking abortion, Hotel Hell vacation, I'm not so sure. Granted I know that was created to be more ad than entertainment, and obviously Chase and D'Angelo need the work so I'm sure they'll sign on if the movie is greenlit, I just don't know if the mental damage to my childhood can be undone.

A few awesome things people missed during the Superbowl. Devin

Socket Smash Experiment tests the durability of a Craftsman Socket Set. The socket set withstood a hockey stick pounding, baseball bat, a sledgehammer and a brick wall. Result: smash-proof.

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, what the fuck?

bar refaeli - sports illustrated 2010. you're welcome.

if you believe in reincarnation, don't come back as a kenyan zebra.


February 10, 2010

So Long Captain Phil, Your Grizzled Old Fucker.

Capt. Phil Harris of the Discovery Channel show "The Deadliest Catch" died Tuesday of complications from a stroke suffered late last month. He was 53. Harris, the tattooed and gruff captain of the Cornelia Marie, was a fan favorite in the reality show about crab fishing. Harris suffered a massive stroke on January 29 while his crew offloaded crab at St. Paul Island, Alaska. [more]

Anyone who didn't see this coming a mile away, raise your han -- PUT YOUR FUCKING HAND DOWN. We all saw it coming.

It's too bad, too, because I really liked the guy and he was showing some progress there for a few days and it looked like he might have this thing licked. Unlike some of the other captains, Captain Phil wasn't a complete fucking dickhead to his crew -- cough, cough Sig Hansen -- and as a father he seemed both infinitely patient with, and proud of, his two sons. Along with Capt Keith from the Wizard, Phil was one of my favorites, so I watched with great interest when he nearly died from a blood clot back in 2008. You'd like to think that after such a scare that he'd learn his lesson the first time. Nope. Because when he returned from his doctor mandated recuperation period, what's the first thing ol Phil did? Flop down in his captain's chair, and light up a cigarette. And then another cigarette. And another. And another... And then he had all that shitty luck with his boat during the 2009 season. So now here we are a year later and with a hard life on the water and by that time there's too much momentum behind him and poof, the guy drops dead. And just for the record, what is one of the leading causes of a stroke? That's right, smoking. Well, that and hypertension and yes I think we can all assume ol Capt Phil suffered from that, too.

So long Captain Phil Harris, we hardly knew ye. I'm curious which of your sons step in to fill your shoes.

Hey Big Ern! Thought you'd like to take a gander at these pics from a hanger that collapsed at Dulles after the heavy snows... apparently, this building wasn't meant to handle a snow storm such as we had recently. Enjoy! Andy

Yesterday I actually spent fifteen minutes and watched the entire Hotel Hell vacation mini-movie that Chevy Chase & Beverly D'Angelo did for HomeAway, and I have to tell you, I want my fifteen minutes back. I feel dumber for having watched it. Hell, I feel dumber for even being in the same room as that piece of shit. It's just not fucking funny. Not at all. And mark my words, after Universal took out the Back To The Future ride, if they ever do something like that with BTTF, I'll smash my fucking television.

Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."

Interesting news up here in Canada, the head 8-wing Trenton Airforce base was arrested for 2 murders, and being investigated for more. Bud

Jazmin Trinidad Siguenza (aka La Flora Venenosa) has been athletically gifted her entire life. Gymnastics, basketball, volleyball and boxing were her favorite sports. She especially excelled in boxing. In 2002, Jazmin reached the highest goal in woman's amateur boxing when she competed and won the National Championship title. She also won 3 Golden Glove titles. Jazmin has been featured in National Boxing Magazines because of her success. While visiting New York in 2002, Jazmin caught the eye of a video casting director for Sean Paul and Busta Ryme's #1 single "Make it Clap." Jazmin was featured as a model in this video and really enjoyed the experience. She felt such a rush from the experience that she decided to put down her boxing gloves and persue a career in modeling and music. Unfortunately you have to scroll through the rest of her bio to see her modeling photos.

but I'll bet even she wouldn't wear a pink cowboy hat, even if they all done up all nice with makeup.

just so i'm on record: wolfman will be the biggest flop of the millenium.

old and busted: muppet bohemian rhapsody. new hotness: beaker's dust in the wind.


February 9, 2010

And Here I Try To Entertain Your Brain Sometimes.

As a side project, I've been tinkering with Wikisnaps for what.... seven, eight months now? I've posted articles on the mating habits of the Blue Footed Booby, the physiological aspects of an aortic dissection, and the upbringing of real life Rain Man, Kim Peek. And never before have I posted an article so popular as I did this past weekend, pulling in some 4,600 views in a 48 hour period. And what Earth shattering, meaning of life topic was so engaging? Tits. Yep, that's right, my recent article on breast implants is now the most popular post ever. Way to go, you fuckin horn dogs.

Dear Saints fans: while yes, I'm glad that you guys won the Super Bowl -- thanks in no small part to these five critical plays -- please understand that when your retarded 'Who Dat' chants grow to include a dog, it's time to stop. So seriously, please stop.

Torque, also called moment or moment of force, is the tendency of a force to rotate an object about an axis, fulcrum, or pivot. Just as a force is a push or a pull, a torque can be thought of as a twist. Loosely speaking, torque is a measure of the turning force on an object such as a bolt or a flywheel. For example, pushing or pulling the handle of a wrench connected to a nut or bolt produces a torque (turning force) that loosens or tightens the nut or bolt, or in some cases, causes a person to fall.

Hey Ernie, I know how much you miss the snow. I live outside of Pittsburgh. What appears to be a car is my 2002 Blazer, The others are apartments around mine and the road we get in and out of the complex. Maybe time to checkout I.T. jobs in your neck of the woods. Bill Z

With Valentine's Day swiftly approaching and everyone's hearts aflutter, some of you in the audience may be thinking of popping the question to your beloved. Marriage is a wonderful institution, and your wedding day will probably be the happiest one of your lives. Unless, of course, you walk down the path of fail like these 20 couples.

[And this in from Puddy who is enjoying a six month tan courtesy of Uncle Sam] Not sure if you knew about this... but it caught me off guard! This is at Camp Victory in Baghdad. This place is not too bad – good food, decent security, and high speed internet access in my room! Except for the whole, “being away from the fam” part, it is certainly tolerable… Hope things are well – chat atcha soon… Puddy

While I personally think Sarah Palin a fucking loon, I just don't see what the big deal is about jotting a few notes on the palm of your hand to remind you of certain talking points. I really dont. In fact Mr. D'Ambrosia taught us that trick in 11th grade debate class, so if anything, I think it's kind of resourceful. But alas, some people don't.

Scoop explains the Hank Aaron syndrome. When Hammerin' Hank was a young player, people always used to underrate him because he never did anything spectacular. He simply had the same excellent season every year. After 20 years however, Aaron's career totals looked enormous, and people started to realize how good he had been. So it is with Jeff Bridges in acting. And so it is with Donald Trump in douchebaggery. He's never really pulled off the ultimate douche move, ala Kanye West, but day in and day out, he can go douche for douche with anyone, and over a long career, he's a hall of famer.

madatoms's guide to meeting women, broken down by location.

the complete collection of WTF body modifications. corset piercings = scary shit.


February 8, 2010

Wow, Go Saints, Eh?

I gotta be honest, I really thought the deciding factor was going to be Peyton's experience. But hey, it's always nice to see the underdog's pull one out. Go Tracy Porter. Nice retro run by McDonalds, by the way. Dwight Howard And Lebron James do a pretty good remake of the classic Jordan versus Bird commercial that aired during Super Bowl XXVII. Heh, Larry Bird is cool, just so long as he doesn't touch my Doritos. And some people got all pissy because the old McDonalds commercial was recycled, claiming the new ad company plagiarized off the old one. I don't think that's true at all, I think it's a nice tip of the hat to those of us that remember the original. Besides, let's leave the plagiarism to Seth MacFarlane who more often than not plagiarizes himself in one form or another. Listen, I love Family Guy as much as the next guy, but I really don't need to see Family Guy 2, and Family Guy 3.

Okay, time to bring Polygon Apocalypse to a close. Coming in at second place is Bobby who nudged out his closest competitor by a mere 100,000 points. But kicking ass and not even bothering to stop and take names, was Robert with over 14 million. Dayamn!

Heres a video that claims to have all the Super Bowl commercials. Scott

Howdy, You may have heard that a Polish newspaper recently mistakenly claimed that Pedobear is one of mascots for the Vancouver Olympics. Embarrassing --but thats not the first time the pervy bear has fooled the gatekeepers of reality and made its way into the real world. Best, Robert

Hey Ernie, After all these years of making your site a part of my daily quest for mindless internet entertainment (my favorite kind), I finally have something worthy to send. My girlfriend had her nails done recently and picked this color. Gotta love it! Thanks and keep up the great work! ~ Steve

Big Ern, Love your site, it's always good for meeting my quota of messed up shit, funny shit, and titties. So here I'm trying to give back a little with a pic that hopefully will get a laugh. Feel free to post it should it be deemed worthy of enshrinement in the halls of EHOWA.. Keep up the awesomeness! Dave

So I'm a little confused. I thought Spiderman 4 was cancelled, so why is there a new behind the scenes clip out? P.S. - thanks Scott, now I feel oh so gay.

hello finland, land of the naked snow boarders.

this morning's sts-130 was the last ever night time space shuttle launch.


February 6, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Superbowl Weekend Joke Here.

hottest fans of super bowl xliv.

the ten most disturbing books of all time.

the most expensive sports flip-offs of the last twenty years.

bluewhaleondisplay - fatchickshategravity - oversizedsunglasses - pinkeysspecial - whatthefuckhulk

how baltic the mongrel drifted 20 miles out to sea on river ice and survived.

gravity from a six story fall vs mannequin & cordless drill. wow.


February 5, 2010

The New Orleans Saints Superbowl Drinking Game.

1. Every time they mention hurricane Katrina, drink 1

2. If they show pictures of the City of New Orleans right after Katrina, drink 1

3. Every time they say how much the Saints mean to the City of New Orleans , drink 1

4. Every time the words “tragedy”, “flood”, or “devastation” are used, drink 1

5. Every time they talk about how good Reggie Bush was in college, drink 3

6. If they show Kim Kardashian in the stands, drink 5

7. Every time they show a picture of Reggie Bush with a bat or say “bringing the wood” drink for 5 seconds.

8. Every time Reggie Bush gets negative yardage trying to run around in the backfield a bunch and outrun the defense, drink 1 and turn to the person next to you and say “I told you Vince Young should have won the Heisman”

9. Every time Reggie Bush gets up and flexes his arms in that pose he likes to do, drink 1

10. If they mention Tim Tebow for any reason, funnel a beer

11. Every time they say that “it’s destiny for the Saints to win” drink 1

12. If they show footage of Katrina survivors at the Superdome, take a shot of cheap liquor

13. If they call Saints fans the most passionate fans in football, drink 1

14. If they say that the Saints, Saints fans, or the City of New Orleans “deserve” a Superbowl victory, drink 1

15. Every time they say how good of a story the Saints are, drink 1

16. If Jeremy Shockey pretends to be hurt after dropping a pass, drink 2

17. If they mention the Saints beating the Falcons in 2006 in the first game after Katrina in the Superdome, drink 5 and remember that we are still a better football team with better fans.

18. Every time they compare hurricane Katrina to the Haiti earthquake, funnel a beer and yell “bullshit!”

19. Every time they mention Drew Brees as the Mardi Gras king, drink 1

20. Every time they show Archie Manning, drink 1, and mention how bad he sucked. If they show old footage of him on the Saints, drink 2. If they mention how tough of a decision it was for him as for whom to cheer for, drink 3.

21. Every time they show a saints fan yelling “Who dat!” Or a sign/shirt saying the same, drink 1.

22. If they show Chris Paul at the game, drink 1 and mention to someone how much better he is than Devon Williams.

23. If they show former Mayor Ray Nagin, drink 5 and then punch someone in the balls.

Ernie, Got these the other day from a friend working in Nebraska. Fuel truck vs train with locomotive 6085 on the lead. Enjoy, Tyson

Old and busted: drunk hot blonde trying cinnamon challenge. The new hotness: TWO drunk hot blondes trying the cinnamon challenge together. Because they love cimmanon toast! With guest appearances by cayenne pepper and extra strong gravity.

Since 2004, EA games has run a simulation of the Super Bowl using the latest game in the "Madden NFL" series and announced the result. Much to everyone's surprise, the game simulations conducted by EA have predicted five of the last six Super Bowl winners (from 2004 to 2009). EA also releases a computer-generated description of the simulated game as if it were a summary of the real Super Bowl. But what about the old NFl games? How good are they predicting the Superbowl winners? In order to successfully predict the Super Bowl, someone decided to watch several simulated showdowns, forcing consoles to play with themselves for my amusement (something I'm almost certain counts as a fetish) and rating their performance on three factors: Accuracy; How valid I think the game's prediction is. For example, it's helpful to play a few warm up rounds. If a console predicts that the Rams will win anything ever, it loses all credibility. Prediction; Each game will result in a prediction on the Super Bowl. If you actually needed that sentence, I would like to bet everything against everything you do. Spectacle; The Super Bowl is about the score in the same way James Bond is about the civil services. This section will rate each game on how exciting it was.

The Onion rules - Melissa Donley, author and crazy cat relationship expert has some tips for people in long term relationships with their cats. The male host really sells the enthusiasm part.

i am in love with a girl names jessica jane clement.

a backyard roller coaster is as cool as you'd hope it to be.

little pig, little pig, let me in. not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin.


February 4, 2010

Ah, They Don't Build Em Like This Anymore.

In the National Lampoon's Vacation DVD commentary, director Harold Ramis mentions that for the scene in which the Family Truckster jumps into the air, several of the crew members had made bets against 2nd unit director Dick Ziker that he couldn't jump the car more than 50 feet (even drawing lines in the sand to measure the distance). Ziker ended up winning that bet, as he jumped the car more than 50 feet. The theme park that served as Walley World was actually Six Flags Magic Mountain. The roller coaster referred by Clark as the "Whipper Snapper" is actually called "The Revolution" and was the first roller coaster to have a 360 degree vertical loop. All of the cast members had terrible experiences when it came to filming the scenes inside Walley World where they rode all of the roller coasters and other rides. In the commentary, Chevy Chase mentions that many of the rides made him and the other cast members sick to their stomachs, especially since they all had to ride them several times each for each take. Dana Barron also mentions in the commentary that the coasters made her so sick that she had to take motion sickness pills and would pass out on nearby benches between takes. And finally Anthony Michael Hall mentions that for the coaster shots of him scared, that he was not acting at all and his fear in those shots was genuine. When Clark drives to the sporting goods store after leaving Walley World, the Truckster makes a hard left through a red light and nearly hits an oncoming Ford LTD Squire station wagon - that's the same vehicle from which the Wagon Queen Family Truckster was modified from.

And I have to be honest, I got all fucking giddy when I saw this clip because I thought perhaps they were making another Vacation movie -- you know, Russ and Audrey are all grown up, Clark and Ellen are gandparents, that sort of thing -- but alas, it's just a commercial for HomeAway.com. Man, I haven't been this disappointed since it was my birthday and I learned that Borat defiled Isla Fisher.

Hey Ernie, Don’t know if you’ve seen this, I’m involved in Fire Rescue here in Canada and was sent these photos this morning from a colleague, looks like the FD is from Cincinnati. Keep up the good work! Your Newfie connection, Jake

Kind of makes you wonder how an old station wagaon can take a jump like that but a new Camaro is nearly split in two by a teeny tiny telephone pole, eh? Oh, and the current leader in Polygon Apocalypse is Topher with 111,370.

Ernie, Don't know if you saw this yet, Australian employee caught looking at nude photos during news broadcast. Love the site! Russ

For those that missed it, the nude photos start around 1:02, on one of the monitors on one of the monitors just over the reporter's right shoulder. Something else that's getting a lot of attention is a recent interview with Mel Gibson who didn't seem to happy about some of the questions that Dean Richards had for him. Personally I didn't think Richards asked anything out fo line, but Mel's reasction at the end made me snort coffee on my desk.

While this girl could never be a model for obvious reasons -- her hat doesn't match what she's wearing -- Bullz-Eye.com is partnering with PlayerXT and the "Fish and Chips" Poker and Fishing Showdown to present Bullz-Eye.com's 2010 Bikini Model Search in the Bahamas. We will be flying 24 beautiful bikini models to The Bahamas for the opportunity to participate in the Bikini Model Search. The winners will be photographed by Bullz-Eye photographer Paul Miller and will have their photo shoot featured on Bullz-Eye.com, and all of the models will have the opportunity to be photographed all weekend with Paul and the other elite photographers attending the event. Models who want to participate will be able to submit photos to Bullz-Eye and have our readers vote on which models should get an all-expenses paid trip to The Bahamas for the chance to compete in the Bikini Model Search! The event will take place at the Wyndham Nassau & Crystal Palace Resort from May 11 through May 16, 2010.

dane cook exclusive five hour special live! buy tickets now!

photos of an abandoned cold war spy listening station in berlin.

rare home video of the challenger explosion twenty-four years ago.

katy perry at the grammy's. more like golden globes. holy hell, what a rack.


February 3, 2010

Do A Good Turn Daily.

Since January 12th more than 100,000 people in Haiti have lost their lives due to the earthquake and many others remain injured and homeless. The need for aid is overwhelming. The Chrysler Brand, in collaboration with the Hollywood Foreign Press, Dick Clark Productions and Stars for a Cause, has handed over the keys of a Chrysler 300 "Haiti" to the charitable organization Stars for a Cause. During the 67th Annual Golden Globe Awards, hundreds of celebrities singed the exterior of the car. Stars for a Cause selected Leake Auction Company to auction the Haiti 300 during our Oklahoma City auction, February 19-20. All proceeds from the auction will benefit the American Red Cross' relief efforts in Haiti. Leake Auction Company is honored to have the opportunity to auction the car and raise money to assist people in Haiti. At first I wasn't going to bother posting this, then I saw Woody Harrelson signed it, and zince Zombieland just got relased on DVD I figured what the fuck.

I also gave a little facelift to Ernie Street including set up an archives section to view past links. I have some 800 old links to add, so needless to say I'll be hard at work for awhile.

Hey Ernie, just thought you would like to know that Denzel has his son read the scripts he receives, and his son tells him what movies to make. One of those being Training Day. Haven't seen Book of Eli yet, and I hope it's not as bad as you thought it was. Keep up the good work! -Smitty

I heard that his kid urged him to take the role in Training Day, but I didn't know the son choosing his father's roles was a routine thing. Either way somebody deserves a kick in the balls for Book of Eli. How much does it suck? Well, there's an entire Facebook page entitled, "The Book of Eli Sucks," so you figure it out. And I usually love apocalyptic movies but this one was just like every other one, especially at the sixty-minute mark.

Ernie. I can totally undertsand your paranoia at riders behind making mistakes. Pictures attached are of my Kawasaki Ninja 600 trackbike (before & after) after a gentlemen on a CBR1000rr decided he was quicker than me & went for an undertake at the apex of a left hander at 100mph at a donington park trackday. He used the rumblestrip to corner on & guess what? He fell off .......taking me out......needless to say I was un-amused. Soft tissue damage to my shoulders a cut face & a destroyed set of leathers & helmet plus the damge you see in the pictures. Great site Simon M. in the UK

Ernie, I found your story about the noob dumping his Hardley Ableson interesting. I've been riding for 40-odd years, and yes, your description sounds pretty close to the likeliest scenario. I recently read a study by the NTSB & ABA that showed that a huge percentage of all motorcycle accidents happen to people in their first year of riding. With the accidents involving experienced riders, a large percentage happen to riders on new or otherwise unfamiliar bikes. The common denominator? Practice. Riding a motorcycle is complex skill that involves four-point control, coordination and situational awareness. I ride nearly every day, year round in Seattle. I have two bikes that I regularly ride, my 1999 Indian Chief. An absolute brute of a bike that just throws pure raw power at the rear wheel. The other is the wife's 2002 Honda Shadow ACE 750. A lighter more nimble & manageable bike I ride when it's crappy. (Better to drop the the $5k rice burner than the $25k beauty!) But, switching between the bikes is an issue. When I've been riding one for couple of weeks/months and switch back, I make sure to pay extra attention to the fundamentals. Actively think about your counter-steer, plan the line you're gonna take through the curve before you get there, and most of all... Leave early so you're not tempted to rush and push the speed. Riding is the most fun you can have with your clothes on, but it's also deadly serious. I'm glad to hear you have your head on straight when it comes to riding, but do watch out for the other asshats. Oh, and remember the advise my pappy gave me when I started riding, "Half of 'em don't see ya, the other half wanna kill ya, and you can't tell the difference!" On another note, I'm attaching pictures of my reasons why I, unfortunately, couldn't contribute to LBEH this year. My dumb-ass kid let a simple spider bite fester to the point where he almost lost his finger. $1600 later, it works OK, but wow was it ugly. And if the ol' lady hadn't dropped by his apartment that day, he would have gone camping for three days with it like you see in the first pic. Sheesh! BTW, the bit of white you see in the post surgical pix is bone. They filleted the finger open to relieve the closed compartment syndrome, then left it open to heal on its own. He was being tough and saying it didn't hurt, right up until I pulled the bandage off and started to clean them, then not so much the tough guy! Keep up the good work brother! --Harold

Man that looks like it hurt like a motherfucker. I think I'd sooner get kicked in the balls than bitten by the spider that did that. And just how much punishment can testicles withstand? Sports Science explores Combat Ki with the help of Rod Sacharnoski and American Gladiator Justice - part one - part two. And ladies, you're not safe, either. Have you ever have that not so fresh feeling and need a little energy boost on the side - DO NOT LOOK. Anyway, Mandy Moore has just the product for you: Red Bull Energy Douche. No tuna jokes, please.

Just because you can wear a bikini doesn't mean you know how to act or sing -- everyone knows that -- but when you can wear one as well as Vida Guerra, it's much easier to obtain the benefit of the doubt. Since her rapturously received debut in the pages of the December 2002 issue of FHM, the Havana-born Guerra has been on a tear, extending her media domination to film: she's been featured in a music video (that's Guerra's righteous booty shaking in Kanye West's "The New Workout Plan"), a notable appearance on "Chappelle's Show", and Guerra lends her pipes to a character in "Scarface: The World is Yours").

HUGE balls - (nearly) smashed balls - repeatedly smashed balls

myfreecams is the coolest webcam site on the web. definitely NSFW.

a day late and a dollar short: 101 reasons to love groundhog day (movie).


February 2, 2010

Seven To Ten Percent.

Do you know what's always amazed me about dreams? It's when little details come out that you didn't even know that you knew. For example, aside from a small nurse shark in an aquarium, I've never touched a shark before. But that doesn't stop my mind from making its best guess at what shark skin feels like, so that when I touch one in a dream there's a distinct tactile feel. I've never held the yoke of a DC-3 before, but that didn't stop me from piloting one when I was thinking about joining the Air Force, etc. And last night was no different; two fold in fact.

My nocturnal adventure began with me sitting on a Miami city bus, on the left side, two rows back from the driver. Big glass windows all around. And as I look over to my right, who do I see sitting next to me? Holy fuck, it's Nick Tortelli from Cheers! Although it's obviously not really Nick Tortelli, but the actor who played him. But fuck all if I could remember his name. But still I strike up a conversation, "Hey I always loved Cheers, big fan, blah-blah, blah." And as I'm talking to the guy, I whip out my phone because I immediately have to send a text message to Flaherty and Barker, "Hey I'm sitting on a bus next to Nick Tortelli!" Once that sends, I ask him if I can take his picture and he agrees, giving me somewhat of a half-hearted cheesey smile, and I got the distinct impression that I was starting to annoy him by doing the typical fan douchbaggery. But we're casually carrying on small talk and I'm giving half hearted uh-huhs and mmmhmm's because now I've got my phone out and I'm trying to search "Nick Tortelli Cheers Actor" because I don't want to look like a douchebag and say, "Hey it was nice to meet you Mr. Tortelli" -- I want to show a little respect and know the actor's name. But in mid conversation, the guy casually reaches over and takes my cell phone out of my hand, closes it, and slips it into his coat pocket. And he's got this look on his face like, "C'mon kid, I'm talking to you here don't be texting on your phone." I don't say anything about it, and we keep talking.

That is until the bus comes up to Natalie Portman who is riding a caster board down the right side of the street. Of course her midriff is showing and as she is gyrating back and forth, I suddenly realize that this is how she keeps her magnificent figure. But she's not alone; there are four female and two male bodyguards with her. The four women are all black, short hair, dressed in matching outfits of black and pink, and rollerblading in unison in a four-corners pattern around Natalie. None of them look up as we pass them, nor do the two male bodyguards who are on either side of the female bodyguards, and each jogging sideways so they can keep an eye on Natalie. They are dressed in black suits, like J and K. it was also very sunny outside.

Ms. Portman does look up however, and upon seeing the occupants of the bus looking at her, she waves to us with her left hand and returns her attention to her caster board. The something dawns on me -- she's riding with right foot forward and facing the bus which is overtaking her on her left... and she waved to us with her left hand. Holy shit, I just realized in my own dream that Natalie Portman is left handed! Now obviously I must have seen something to make me subconsciously realize this... the way she held a blaster in Star Wars, or carried groceries in The Professional, whatever. But holy shit, I never realized it before and wow, what an odd scrap of trivia to manifest itself in a dream. Kinda cool, don't you think?

Yeah, expect for the fact that she's not left handed. Nope. she's right handed, just like everyone else. So the entire second half of my dream? Fucking pointless. Now for some reason I feel angry at myself for making all this shit up. And just for the record, his name was Dan Hedaya and I think the fact that Natalie Portman didn't make the list of forty celebrities we want to see naked, is complete bullshit. But here is some real celebrity boob trivia - the carpet doesn't match the drapes: Christina Hendricks is naturally blonde. I'm not gonna lie - I love boobs. Big ones, little ones, real ones and fake ones. But let's be clear: there are good fake boobs and bad fake boobs. Good fake boobs are the ones that could pass for natural, only better - bigger, firmer and perkier than what God could create. Bad fake boobs, though - oh, man. Bad fake boobs are a tragedy. In this feature, I'll show you twenty racks - forty tits - that almost ruin the whole concept of breasts.

Anyway, I started off this Groundhog Day by playing Polygon Apocalypse and thus your mission is to beat my 65k. The slow time thing is neat... don't forget to use it as you progress to further levels. Feel free to respawn (I did 3-4 times) but remember it costs you half your score when you do.

With the 2010 Winter Olympics right around the corner, I'll be spotlighting certain athletes that you need to have your eye on. And I mean really have your eye on them, these ladies are as hot as they are good at what they do. First off, we'll be taking a look at snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler. A silver medalist in the last Winter Olympics in the halfpipe, she is considered one of the favorites for America this year. Click here to see this halfpipe hottie.

Oh, and do not click this.

five science fair projects destined for the internet.

may the crazy 9/11 conspiracy theorists feast heartily today.

lindsay lohan is going to be topless in machete. uhh, is this good or bad?


February 1, 2010

So I Watched A Guy Dump His Harley This Weekend.

To start off, let me begin by saying that riding in 56 degree weather? Fucking sucks. You want to talk about cold? Tough shit, because I don't want to talk about it at all. In fact, I'm cold just fucking remembering how cold I was yesterday. But alas, the cold had nothing to do with my story, so I'll continue. I consider myself to be a reasonably seasoned (retired?) ATV rider and while I realize that I've only been riding motorcycles for just under two years now, I'd like to think that I'm somewhat of a quick study and by extension, can spot my fellow n00b riders. And believe it or not, the bike of choice for the vast majority of the n00b riders that I encounter? Harley Davidson. And that's not to say anything bad about Harley or their riders, I think it's just a byproduct of every swinging dick with a motorcycle fetish inevitably arriving at a Harley as the object of their affection. "Yeah, I've always wanted a Harley," seems to be the battlecry of those those that are soon destined to go skidding down the ashpalt. Nobody wants to take the time to work up to a Harley, instead settling for instant gratification that the commission based salesman seem to be all too eager to accommodate.

Anyway. Riding this weekend. About fifteen bikes. I always stay at the back of the pack, because I get nervous having people (whom I have no control over) riding behind me. We cross a small bridge, bang a left at a stop sign and then after five hundred feet or so, come to a 90 degree right turn. Now there isn't anything magical about this turn; it's flat, there's good visibility, the road is in decent shape and there are big yellow arrows letting you know its there. As part of a group, I've been through here a dozen times and never had/seen/heard of anyone having trouble. So I was indeed surprised when I started to see brake lights light up on the motorcycles in front of me, and as I came to the turn, saw huge gouges in the pavement, leading off to a guy trying to stand up. My first thought? God's honest truth? Relief. Relief that it wasn't me. And as I slowed down to find a safe place to pull over (as the entire back half of our group was now doing), relief gave way to schadenfreude. The guy who dumped it was up and walking around, and the first people to pull over had now helped him stand his bike -- I would later find out it's a 2003 Dyna Glide -- back up to assess the damage. Thankfully this was a turn you don't take any faster than 10-15 mph, but never having actually seen a motorcycle that had gone down before, I was indeed curious as well. Here's a view from where the bike was laying, looking back to where we had come from; remember it's a right hand turn. See the two gouges? One was from his footpeg, the other the right handlebar.

And with one person redirecting traffic, a few people patted down Noob Rider to make sure he was indeed okay (he was), myself and a few others inspected his bike for damage. The first thing I noticed was the temporary license plate, issued SIX DAYS EARLIER from the local Harley dealer. Ouch. But the bike fared rather well actually. Sorry no pictures, because I didn't want to get punched in the face. The right side chrome footpeg was pretty beat up, along with a few scuffs on the exhaust. There were two small driving lights installed on the underside of the handlebars, and the right one was broken. The right handgrip controls were shifted some, but I was manage to twist them back into position. All the file, Noob Rider was telling anyone who would listen that something was wrong with the throttle: when he let go of it, it kept revving and didn't return back to idle as it should. After some initial trouble, we were able to get the bike started and continue on another ten miles or so and meet up with the other half of our group at a gas station.

As we gassed up, Noob Rider informed us that since the throttle had again stuck at a stop sigh just as we arrived at the gas station, he and two of his riding buddies would be calling it a day. But before going, Noob Rider mentioned in casual conversation that this was the second bike that this 'stuck throttle' happened to him on; the first being a Sportster 1200. This caused many of the more experienced riders to raise an eyebrow and shoot suspicious glances amongst themselves. One of them would later explain that he was pretty sure he saw Noob Rider hitting his front brake pretty hard as he entered the 10MPH Slow Right Hand Turn of Death.

Seriously, what kind of a jerk tries to ride a bicycle at the beach?

Busting an iPhone thief. The whole thing started when my plane landed in Los Angeles on Monday afternoon at 2:55pm coming from Cabo San Lucas. The guy sitting next to me on the plane asked me to loan him a pen so that he could fill out his customs form. I watched him fill out the form and clearly remember his birth year of 1984, but am a bit unsure about his name. But in this story, we will refer to him as Pinche.

Many people feel compelled to waste their money on lame things like clothing, food and baby formula. Fortunately, besides allowing us to download porn at the speed of masturbation, the Internet has made it possible for us to buy virtually anything we can imagine, regardless of how ludicrous it may be.

In this episode of The Crew, KISS bassist Gene Simmons sits down to chat with Barbara Walters, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Sherri Shepherd, and Joy Behar. Or at least some Barbie dolls that look a whole lot like them. Favorite quote? "... and that's why minorities shouldn't own guns."

The new Girls Next Door from E! premieres tonight at 10:30 PM EST. Holly, Kendra and Bridget have left the show, and Hef is sporting three new girlfriends: The Shannon Twins, Karissa & Kristina, and Crystal Harris. They’re younger, blonder and . . . . . oh well, just as boring as before.

how to feed a family of six for just pennies.

si's best woman athlete by birth state. no allison stokke?!

reliability and service: technology's most (and least) reliable brands.


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