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March 31, 2010

Ever Feel Like The World is Crushing Down On You?

So far in the month of March approximately 1,060,610 people have visited EHOWA. That's as if each security guard in America came in for a visit. Or if each of you sent me one dollar, I could buy an iPhone for everyone living in South Miami city, Florida. Or even better yet, send me in one of your credit cards so I can stack them all together and built a tower as high as 1.82 Empire State Buildings. Sorry, I got a little carried away trying to make my point.

Happy Birthday to Christopher Walken, Yes he's eccentric. Intimidating. Hilarious. Scary. Emotional. All these words describe Walken’s work on the big screen. His fearless ability to adapt to different genres and mediums has transformed the veteran actor into a favorite among movie watchers of all ages. So when someone compiled a list of his best scenes, i got a little worried when i didn't see the one of him and Dennis Hopper in True Romance. Don't worry, it's there, but on the second page. of course, Walken is only about half as intense as this guy.

Uh-oh. I know someone whose tit is about to be in a wringer. Looks like ol Jesse will join the long list of people whose careers were ruined by a single photograph.

A bunch of sites are reporting that Freida Pinto will be the next Bond girl. Eh, whatever. I like the talk of Olivia Wilde instead, or any of these female athletes would have been a better choice.

Ernie, Awesome site, first time writer, long time admirer, fellow vet. My buddy has a boyfriend that she is NOT happy with right now. He just created a group called "My Girlfriend said I can put it in her butt if I get 10,000 Fans!!!"on the old Facebook. Originally the boyfriend was aiming for 1,000, but he was doubting he could get that many members. She said, "Well then how about 10,000?" and now . . . here we are. I am totally supporting her boyfriend, and hope you and the fine readers will do the same. It's a pretty sweet ass, if I say so myself. Thanks! -Will

The Butter Face Test - We're all familiar with the Butter Face, but how grisly does a lady's mug have to be before you decide, "I just can't do it." Well, we decided to put the challenge to you, and we took incredibly hot bikini models, and replaced their faces, with the faces of some of today's strangest looking male actors. So, would you.. ya know... prefer Miss Busey or Miss Eastwood?

Cooking bacon? Pfft, anyone can cook bacon. How about cooking bacon... WITH A MACHINE GUN. Knock that back along with a few light beers and we'll be ready for the weekend, eh?

snoop dogg and george lopez play chatroulette bingo.

mccready spills the beans about the rocket in upcoming sex tape.

a man skating upside down, a blow up sex doll, and a rocket launcher.

March 30, 2010

So Much For Live And Let Live.

My first reaction upon seeing a photo like this is to run up and punch the person in their face. Then you sit back, realize it's a kid and hesitate. Well, for a little bit at least, I'l still punch her. But the one thing that continues to shock me about these guys -- and I'm serious now -- is that nobody has killed Fred Phelps yet. Think about it. It's the perfect crime, because there's no fucking way in hell you're going to find twelve people on a jury that would convict the shooter. A grieving parent or spouse, a war buddy diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress, a crazy Muslim extremist, whatever. And I don't care if they shoot Phelps on live primetime television in front of a thousand witnesses, you'd still have at least one juror say, "Nah, I'm still not sure that guy is our shooter." "Uh, Sir, he's wearing a name tag that says, 'My Name Is...' and we have him on camera saying, 'excuse me I have to shoot Fred Phelps please." "Yeah but still, the tape is kind of blurry, I'm just not convinced beyond a reasonable doubt."

Ernie, I know you've quite likely heard of these fucktards who show up at military funerals and hold up signs reading "Thank God for dead soldiers" and Thank God for IEDs". Are you interested in an unclassified Power Point briefing regarding their latest stunts and very near future plans? Thanks for all you do, man. Mike S. USN(retired)

I've always thought he guy looked a little the mad astromer from Howard The Duck. But I suppose he does have a decent business model going; instigate and sue:

Hey Ernie, Long time reader... etc. You reported a while back about Rev. Fred Phelps and members of his Westboro Baptist Church rudely interrupting the funeral of one of our fallen heroes. Here's a link to a website explaining about the lawsuit one bereaved father filed against Phelps and the church, which he initially won, then it was repealed in circuit court. It is now heading to the Supreme Court for a final decision. They are asking for donations to help support the legal fees. It sounds like a cause right up your alley. Here is a link to an interview with Rev. Phelps. Great job, Ernie! I don't know how you bring all your content daily... I edit several websites and there is no way I could update daily with the depth you do. Always a fan. Eric

So yeah if the mood strikes you, maybe throw some bucks out to Lance Corporal Snyder's father. I fired them off an email asking if they've considered accepting donations via Paypal, and am awaiting a reply. I would love to see this go to the Supreme Court, I would love to see the judgement reinstated and I would love to see the Westboro Baptist Church go bankrupt. Are you there God, it's me, Margaret.

I haven't made it to Chat Roulette yet, but I just might give it a try in hopes of running into this kid. Comedy gold Jerry, comedy gold. I've recently added a tags section to Wikisnaps, which should make categorized broswing much easier. I haven't had the chance to tag each article yet, so if any are unlisted, keep your panties on.

Hey Ernie. I know what a big supporter of our men in women in uniform you are, so I thought you would get a kick out of this thread. Keep up the great work. Rodger

More dogs rule: "My brother found this deer alone and malnourished when it was a tiny baby. My family bottle fed the baby, named Theen until he was eating grass. Several months later he's very socialized with people, our black lab, and our cats. He is free to wander if he likes and we've seen him with several herds of whitetail and axis deer. Apparently he fits in just fine with them. He frequently comes back to the house to eat some catfood and play with our dog, Buddy. He doesn't care much for deer corn." [see the video]

Welcome to our third annual post ranking the hottest colleges and universities in America --dibs on the girl from Oregon!

russian subway bombing - and putin looks pissed.

six depraved sexual fetishes that are older than you think.

katy perry gets slimed at the kids choice awards. green bukkake..

March 29, 2010

Ahh, If Only That Was A Joke Down Here.

Q. What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? A. It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

We all know that cheerleaders get most of the glory when it comes to looking good when you're out on the field of play. But let's not forget that there are some sexy athletes out there. If you can chase down a fly ball, or knock down a three, or smash a killer forehard, all while looking fabulous, who are we to deny you (and male viewers) that pleasure? Here are the ten sexiest (female) uniforms in sports.

My man, I don't know how many readers actually check out the phone cam pix, but I dig 'em most of the time. Got a question, the phone pic of the maroon car with the reverse-flip hood, what is it? I may be in love. I love the site, man! ~gravdigr

Well, don't get too excited, it's only a late model Corvette, if you can believe it. Me, I'd much rather have this Super Bee or this Challenger -- then I'd even have the chance to play Ships Mast with Zoe Bell. But I suppose different strokes for different folks. Which movie would you rather see? Big Trouble in Little Vagina or Midnight Meat Train? Both make me LOLz.

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again. Woman: "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me." Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Ernie, It is with great sadness, I report the death of one of my brother LAPD Officers. He was a US Marine Corps reservist and was killed while on active duty , while in Afghanistan by a roadside bomb. This is the link to the LAPD press release. Bo, LAPD Alumni

What does the health-care law mean to me? Turns out I'll be able to join The Exchange in 2014. And this coimes hot on the heels of the full tape of Joe Biden's encouraging words to Obama.

A regular walked into a bar and said, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender replied, "Wow! You're in a really good mood tonight!" "Indeed!" the man said. "I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from the parking meters. I start tomorrow!" The bartender congratulated the man and proceeded to pour a round for everyone. The next night, the same man walked back in. "Bartender, another round for everyone, on me!" he said. As the bartender was pouring the drinks, he said, "If you're this happy about your new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your first paycheck!" The man went wide-eyed, grinned from ear to ear, pulled out a handful of quarters from his pocket and said, "You mean they pay me too?"

Hi Ernie, Long time reader and fellow Patterdale owner. Anyway, I might think this is cool just because I am an art director and also into photography but check it out. She paints on people's skin to make them look like paintings, then takes photos of them to make them look like paintings. Pretty cool, thought I'd share. Keep up the good work, Chris

Ride along as Oklahoma's own Video Vigilante catches a 'John' with a street hooker. The driver wrecks his car while trying to avoid being caught on camera.

no matter where you work, this game is safe to play.

what makes brazil so cool? armwrestling babes, that's what.

March 27, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

bar rafaeli's simple black cocktail dress.

digital content providers team up to fight piracy.

ten guys that became hot chicks – a photo gallery tribute.

boobwantsbudlight - giantisopodcarnie - twohundreddegrees

art of the steal: on the trail of world’s most ingenious thief.

six bad ideas from history's greatest geniuses.

ten most ridiculous beer pong games.

March 26, 2010

Why I Never Answer My Phone.

I guess it all really boils down to, I hate my fucking phone. Not my phone persay, but all phone in general. In fact, I loathe phones. Almost as much as this polar bear hates cameras. And it took me some time to figure out why, but here's what I came up with. I've done customer support/IT work my entire adult life. Right from when I hit the ground running; a network administrator in the Air Force, all the way to voice messaging support when I hung up my headset five years ago. Now when I first started off, all of my users (losers) were within a twenty second walk from my office -- that's right motherfuckers, I said office -- so I didn't spend much time on the phone, probably somewhere around an hour a day. That steadily increased as I took on more responsibility and gradually moved away from hands on support. I figured a 20% increase per year, up until things peaked in 2003 when I was spending 8.92 hours a day on the phone -- keep in mind that includes after-hours support as well because by that time, there's no fucking way I'd spend more than exactly 8.00000 hours in the office unless you had a fucking chain around my leg. For those last two years I pretty much did everything I could to avoid customers because I found it to be a pain in the ass, and thus decreased my daily phone time by 20% each year. So what was the end number? How long did your hero spend with a phone received stuck in my fucking ear? I'll tell you -- 15,333.95 hours. That's 639 days straight talking to people, almost two full years. Hopefully you'll keep that in mind the next time you call me and I don't answer. It's not you, it's me. I just find talking on the phone to be a huge pain in the balls. if I never see another one as long as I live, it'll be too soon.

You know how most physics based games call for you to stack lots of items up without dropping any? Yeah, Imperfect Balance is kind of the opposite of that. Klutzes rejoice!

Tommy Lee Jones -- or maybe Sid Haig? -- shows us how well his boxer is behaved. As opposed to this dog in Chatanooga who evidently misunderstood the "take a bite out of crime" slogan.

Ernie, I have sent many pics in the past, but have never been posted (probably becasue I was using the wrong address). Today, I submit for your approval, fresh pictures of a coal train derailing at Horse Creek, WY, 3/25/10 at approx 1025am. 10-12 cars went on the ground, covering the snow with coal and twisted metal. From picture #2, you can see the rail rolled over, probably causing this mess. I was one of the (un)lucky ones to move the non-derailed cars to safety so the crews could start working on laying new track panels and cleaning up for trains to start running again. I hope these find a place on your site. Enjoy, Ralph Z.

Megan Jaegerman produced some of the best news graphics ever while working at The New York Times from 1990 to 1998. Her work is smart, finely detailed, elegant, witty, inventive, informative. A fierce researcher and reporter, she writes gracefully and precisely. Megan has the soul of a news reporter, who happens to use graphs, tables, and illustrations--as well as words--to explain the news. Her best work is the best work in news graphics. Personally, I found the one explaining signal calling in baseball to be quite informative. Go Sox.

Ernie: Since April Fool's Day is coming up, here's a timely prank where we dressed up a guy like the Twitter mascot, then had him crash a convention of rabid Twitter fans. I'm sure your audience would love it -- hope you can give it a link from the Hallowed Halls of Whoopass. Thanks, John

Hey Ernie, Here are some giant wallabe balls to brighten your day. Taken in Bali, by a friend of mine. Chris

Welcome one and all to another March Madness inspired slideshow, where we will highlight 16 of the sexiest female athletes, seed them, and pit them against one another to see just who is The Hottest Female Athlete of 2010. As a tribute, I decided to feature none other than Peggy Fleming to start things off which, to me, is a very fitting mention. The approach is very simple: I will list each seed competition with the listing of who won in the respective competitors slide, and then we will keep moving forward until there is only one true champion. While I declare dibs on Natalie Gulbis for obvious reasons -- hey, nice clubs -- I certainly don't agree with who they declared as winner.

incredible mountain bike run.

the somali pirates' business model.

how to be a badass: escape from handcuffs.

March 25, 2010

Don't Even Ask What She Does With The Lime.

It is the ultimate road rage revenge vehicle - a scooter that fires 12ft flames. Colin Furze rigged his 60mph bike with a rear-facing flamethrower because he was fed up with drivers cutting him up. It works by pressing a button on the handlebar. Here's some video of him building it, along with some test runs of the flamethrower.

Consider this: San Francisco has absolutely horrible enforcement of California gun laws, yet they have the eighth largest average penis size in the nation. So where does that put them on your list of places you'd like to live?

Speaking of guns, what's that old saying? Never play Russian Roulette with a semiautomatic pistol? Someone should have told this idiot. Pointing a pistol at yoru head is about as bright an idea as taking time travel tips from Doc Brown. From what I could gather from the article, the guy isn't dead, but in super-double-dog-critital condition. For now, anyway. So I guess that wedding video won't be added to the long list of movies completed post mortem. By the way, that Bruce Lee footage of him in the yellow jumpsuit is from the 1978 flick Game of Death.

In 1969, I was an eighth-grade student at Fassett Junior High School in suburban Oregon, Ohio. When the morning bell rang, it was customary for the students to rise and say the Pledge of Allegiance and a prayer, despite the Supreme Court’s 1962 ruling that such prayers were an unconstitutional exercise of religion by the state. As a protest against American foreign policy, particularly the war in Vietnam, I remained seated throughout both. My teacher, Mrs. Finkbiener, a distractingly attractive twenty-something, decided my actions were disrupting the class. She ordered me to stand in the hall when the bell rang and reenter the room after the pledge and prayer. I complied, as I was generally a good kid. However, the next year and particularly as an adult, I would regret my compliance decision.

Very early on or about the morning of March 19, 1970, my mother made me answer a knock on our door. Two men in military uniforms were on our enclosed porch asking for my parents. I told them I’d go get my mom. My mother came down the stairs and peeked through the door at the men. I lingered on the stairway to hear what was going on. “Are you Mrs. Corlett?” they asked. “Yes.” She replied. “ You have a son, Gerald Ernest Corlett, serving in Vietnam?” they asked. “Yes.” She replied again. “Ma’m, it is my sad duty to inform you that on March 16, 1970, your son Gerald Ernest Corlett was killed in the line of duty in Vietnam.” I cannot erase the memory of her horrified wail as the news sank in. My own cries quickly drowned them out. My younger sister woke from the commotion and joined in.

The men stayed long enough for us to compose ourselves somewhat. They explained that the Army always sent them out in pairs and the duty of informing families that the worst had happened were rotated among them. They explained that my brother’s best friend, Ken Vas, who was an active-duty Green Beret, would be accompanying my brother’s body home in about a week. My mother called my dad who was at work at the Toledo Jeep automotive plant. When she got him on the line her exact words were “Bill, come home.” And that was all she said. This was starting to freak me out, because you just didn’t call my dad home from work. Even when one of us kids broke a bone or wrecked a car, it just wasn’t done. But now it was. My grandfather arrived soon and when given the news, he began to sob. This was the man who could smack his finger with a hammer when he missed a nail and not cry. First my dad gets called home from Jeep and now the strongest man I know on the planet is crying as hard as I am. Two never-seen-before events in my life happen within an hour of each other. If Grandpa is crying, we are in some seriously deep poop. My world has come off its axis.

Perhaps to find some normality, I composed myself, got on the school bus and went to school. My news spread like wildfire. The week waiting for my brother’s body to come home was the longest of my life. When his body arrived, there was great debate among the adults as to whether or not I, at fifteen years of age, were mature enough to handle seeing him as there would be no open casket. I remember telling them that if they denied me, I would break into the funeral home at night. I would not be denied. Fortunately, they relented. As they raised the coffin lid, I recognized my brother immediately. There was a sheet of glass between his body and the lid. Apparently the Army embalmed the dead in Vietnam and sealed them in for safety. His hair was full of static electricity and stuck oddly to the silk pillow on which his head rested. I had never seen my brother wearing make-up until now but that wasn’t nearly as disconcerting as the way the flesh after his chin turned into flesh-colored plastic that was wrinkled unnaturally and stuffed into his collar. Obviously, his neck was missing.

Despite the visual images, I was greatly comforted by the certainty of knowing my brother was really dead. I would survive this tragedy, but my parent’s twenty-five-year marriage would not. They divorced within a year. The North Vietnamese soldier that shot my brother got three kills in one. My brother died along with my parent’s marriage as well as my adolescence. This completely adult tragedy was laid at the doorstep of a fifteen-year-old. Hoping to avert the pain for others that I was experiencing, it was also the birth of a radical anti-war protestor. As the Assistant Editor of the Clay High Eagle student newspaper, I covered the speech by anti-war activist Jane Fonda at the University of Toledo in 1972. Dr. Daniel Ellsberg, the Rand Corporation analyst who revealed the top secret Pentagon Papers, showing the government believing victory in the Vietnam war unobtainable, was given the longest and loudest standing ovation I’ve ever heard.

However, I would not have the courage of my convictions. I registered for the Selective Service System, the draft, after my eighteenth birthday on November 3, 1973, afraid of the penalty of law. The same year, Dr. Daniel Ellsberg faced a potential sentence of life in prison if convicted of espionage charges for revealing the top secret Pentagon Papers and didn’t lose his nerve. It is one of the biggest regrets in my life, second only to having dropped out of college. I will never show such weakness of character again as long as I live.

At a memorial dinner last October, my brother Thomas was told by the guy who held my brother Jerry in his arms as he died that he wasn't shot through the neck and didn't die instantly as the Army claimed. He was shot through the stomach as was conscious as he slowly bled to death, the intense hostile fire making a life-saving rescue impossible.


So Long Corporal Gerald Ernest Corlett, United States Army, We Hardly Knew Ye.

Everyone has at least one horror story about some douchebag neighbor, and if you don't it might mean you were the douchebag. Whether it's an obnoxious couple having a screaming match at three in the morning or some old guy that stinks up the entire apartment building with Ben Gay and curry, the archetypal asshole next door can make our lives miserable with an array of time tested dick moves. However, you have never truly felt the black flames of the Neighborhood Inferno until you've lived in close proximity to one of these balls of skullduggery.

the forty-eight laws of power.

the ultimate duke nukem soundboard.

sox vs yankees. time for an al east preview.

if an american did this, it would be a cause for jihad.

March 24, 2010

Misinformation And Why You Should Help Stop It.

First there was the Stone Age. Then came the Bronze Age, followed by the Iron Age. Then the Industrial Age, the Computer Age, and the Information Age. What comes next? The Misinformation Age, evidently. Nary a day goes by when I don't open my email in the morning and come across two or three chain letters of some amazing and shocking new revelation about: The Middle East, foreign oil, Obama, the Democrats, The Republicans, Nancy Pelosi, Glenn Beck, 9/11, whales, Jesse James, etc. And I always sigh. First off because 99% of the time this amazing and shocking new revelation has been around for at least a year, and two because this amazing and shocking new revelation was about someone else last week. The latest and greatest to weasel its way into my inbox?

Some have said that the stimulus hasn't saved any jobs, but here is a case where at least one job was saved. According to an unnamed source, Oregon State University Athletic Director Bob DeCarolis was considering firing their basketball coach, Craig Robinson, after an 8-11 start (2-5 in the Pac 10 conference). When word of this reached Washington , Undersecretary of Education Martha Kanter was dispatched to Corvallis with $17 million in stimulus money for the university. The source now says that Craig Robinson's job is safe for this year. Coach Robinson just happens to be Michelle Obama's brother.

Now the sender of this email assured me that, "Google confirms." Now I'm not going to address the ambiguity of that statement, but let's just assume that the sender means they had verified the story via Google. But had they really? No, of course not. Just like the sender of this stimulus rebuttal wasn't able to do some simple fucking math in their head...

Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan. There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings. Unemployment fixed. 2) They MUST buy a new American car. Forty million cars ordered. Auto industry fixed. 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage. Housing crisis fixed. It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress and their constituents pay their taxes.

Which sounds awesome at first until you touch your pencil to your tongue and figure out that 40,000,000 x $1,000,000 = $40,000,000,000,000 -- that's forty TRILLION dollars, or four times our national debt. See, here's the deal. And we're going to use out old standby Snopes as a yardstick here. Go to Snopes and do a search on "Bush" and press enter. Now you're only shown the articles in blocks of 100, so you have to click Next, Next a few times. Total number of articles with "Bush" -- 351. Now do a search on "Obama" and see how many you get? A total of 218. So with "Bush" it's 351 articles / 84 months in office = 4.7 pieces of misinformation per month. With Obama it's 218 articles / 14 months in office = 15.5 pieces of misinformation per month. My point? There's a lot more bullshit out there than there used to be. Some of it you can avoid with simple web searches, others you can debunk with some simple fucking third grade math. Spreading misinformation only serves to accomplish two things. First it makes the other guy look like an asshole when they shouldn't be. Now if you've got FACTS to spread that makes them look like an asshole, that's a horse of a different color and I'm all for it. But don't do it through misinformation. And secondly, spreading misinformation makes you look like an asshole, when your amazing and shocking new revelation is proven to be bullshit. So in the end, misinformation makes everyone look like assholes. Keep that in mind over the next few days as I'm sure with the passage of the healthcare bill, the next wave of emails will be burning up the wires. Some of what you read will be true, some of it won't. So stop, take a minute, and try to figure out which is which. Don't be a mindless sheep. Think.

Remember, just because you read it in an email, doesn't mean its true. You'd have to be on drugs to believe it all.

Ernie, I played rugby with this guy in college for 5 years before we parted ways. After surviving 2 tours in Iraq, he was killed at home in a motorcycle accident. I received the following email from one of the guys, and as I was reading it thought you may be interested in helping. It seemed to be a trifecta of things you like...... Marines, motorcycles, and motorcycle mechanics. If not, no worries. Thanks, Kevin

Some Russian naval pilot makes what can only be described as the most awesome save ever. In an... Su-27?

Ernie, Long time reader, some time contributor. I seem to remember you having a soft spot for the A-10 Thunderbolt II a.k.a. The Warthog. As a former ground-pounder, I gotta say, I share those feelings. The Warthog is a flying tank with a punch like a rhino! Michael Yon does a great piece on them. Thought you might be interested. Regards, Harold

On Monday night, Erin Andrews will make her Dancing With The Stars debut. While I can't believe that I'm actually going to sit through that ridiculous show, I feel like as a huge Erin Andrews fan, it's my duty. One thing I am looking forward to, almost as much as watching Erin get down on stage, is seeing what dress she wears. As much as we all love that Erin is the sideline princess and that part of her appeal is that she's an every-woman, you have to admit that EA can wear a dress like a champ. So in preparation for whatever sexy thing she slips into tomorrow, let's take a look at the hottest dresses she's ever worn.

national atlas of defunct amusement parks.

audrina patridge's almost wardrobe malfunction.

ever wonder what makes a fart? -- the definitive answer.

March 23, 2010

And I Do Hope It's The Original Sin.

March 20th was a day like any other day — except that it was the seventh anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq. And, for the most part, that was forgotten. It’s not that the average American isn’t aware that we still have tens of thousands or troops in Iraq, or that nearly 4,400 U.S. military personnel have died there since the war began. Scattered demonstrations were scheduled around the country to call for the troops’ swift return. But with so much else going on — a torpid economy, a climactic debate over health care reform, a mounting conflict in Afghanistan — it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that Americans are still fighting and dying in Iraq. By the way, the first photo is James Blake Miller, also known as the Marlboro Marine, and the medic carrying the kid in photo number eighteen is Joseph Dwyer. He died two years ago. Stay safe, Puddy.

Okay honest question, either for you Law Enforcement guys, tattoo guys, biker guys, whatever. The big hub-bub now with the nude pictures of Michelle "Tits" McGee is the "WP" tattoos she has on her legs, which have immediately been pointed out as standing for "WHITE POWER". Is there any truth to that, or is that purely speculation? I mean sure she did some pinups in a Nazi uniform, but does that really mean anything? By the same logic Rob Zombie is a racist, because he dreamed up Werewolf Women of the SS for Tarantino's Grindhouse. Tasteless, sure but let's be honest. In this day and age we've all seen a hell of a lot worse. I guess I'm just not entirely convinced by the immediately leap of WP = White Power. Couldn't she just as easily be a Walter Peyton fan? P.S. Sandra, quit being a prude and go buy Dating and Seduction for Dummies.

"Ernie, are you going to comment on the passage of the Heathcare bill?" Uh, no. I can't say anything that Hitler hasn't already said.

Wanted to share some photos from 101.5 JamZ in Phoenix, AZ! Lake Havasu. Spring Break 2010 was awesome! - Jason

Instant Karma: Woman bow hunting carp gets jaw broken by fish. Michael

Which of these two videos makes you more unfomfortable: these three old men dancing to Billie Jean or Han Solo realizing Leia laid one on Luke.

At 7'2" and 7'8", the Ivan Brothers have unprecedented size and otherworldly raw talent. The biggest men on any campus, they're about to storm the NCAA tournament and get Medieval on March. It's five minutes you won't regret, trust me.

Curious George didn't really die of a drug overdose. But did you know there's children's picture books about the holocaust, the Los Angeles riots, and the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center? Plus one about a court jester in a cancer ward -- with a foreward written by Maurice Sendak! And Jane Goodall even wrote one about a baby monkey whose parents are both shot by hunters! David.

Hey Man - Long time reader and one of those crappy non contributors. I saw this while searching CL the other day. I think your site is great. Thanks for the laughs. Maybe this will make you laugh and you'll share it with others. Darrell

2010 may be the Chinese year of the tiger, but as far as Hollywood is concerned it was most definitely the year of the cougar. To some, they epitomize modern feminism. To others, their existence is merely a misogynistic male fantasy. One thing, however, is certain: cougars are prowling all over the global cultural landscape, led by a host of mature Hollywood babes who know what they want and aren’t afraid to take it.

anna kournikova and ashley tisdale? yessir.

old school wwf wrestlers with the worst side jobs.

twenty-seven incredible pieces of non-fiction brain food.

the beatles: twenty things you did not know about the fab four.

March 22, 2010

Yeah This Is How I Felt After I Left The Theatre.

I went and saw Repo-Men this weekend. I found it very disappointing. Great story -- GREAT story -- great actors, great effects. So much potential wasted because of shitty, shitty editing. Probably fifteen minutes of the movie should have ended up on the cutting room floor because it contributes absolutely nothing to the story. The 'nest' on the ship? Pointless. The entire airport scene? Pointless. So I'll do you a favor and ruin it for you: When Forrest Whitaker smacks the hook into Jude Law's head - everything from then on takes place in a computer simulated world in Jude Law's mind, as he's laying on the ground, brain damaged. Yep, the bad guy wins. The end. Overall, the movie was so fucking bad I wanted to kill myself, but I never made it around to writing a note. "These suicide notes were gathered at the coroners' offices by a suicidologist/psychiatrist who asked to be anonymous. He edited identifying details out of the compiled manuscript, and we changed the names. But the text of each letter plus the age and sex given are real. All these people did kill themselves. Were they ambivalent about it? About half the hundred or so letters we read seemed to have some element of doubt." Awww, like Kermit says, it's not easy being green. feeling blue.

On January 6, 2002, former fashion writer Christa Worthington was found murdered in her home in Truro, Massachusetts, a small town on the very tip of the finger of Cape Cod. I just finished reading the book purporting to tell Christa's story, and the story of the crime, up to this point. The murder has yet to be solved. The book, Invisible Eden: A Story of Love and Murder on Cape Cod, by Maria Flook, is a troubling read.

Guy films himself outrunning the cops. Then sends the video to them. And keep in mind that 336 kph is 208 mph in American speak.

Ernie, First off thank you for having put our website link and our story on your site! I think you are to thank for a thousand dollars being raised yesterday! We have actually gone over our goal by a few hundred dollars and any donations from this point on will be to the shelter making this possible in Afghanistan. I will update Spikes website as well as her facebook when I hear from Neil next which should be here in the next few days (as I haven't heard from him since Monday). I need to relay all of the shelters contact info so he can arrange for Spike to get safely to the shelter from Marjah and to begin getting ready to come home! Thanks Again! Lauren, Spike, and Neil

See, it's always worth your while to help a dog in need. Unlike people, dogs always repay the favor.

Mallory Clark has been modeling for more than five years and she absolutely loves it! She is in the International 2010 Hooters Calendar, 2010 Dillon Aero and Dillon Precision Calendar, a Look Swimwear National Bikini Contest Finalist, was the featured model for a personal 2008 calendar, as well as many other magazines and advertisements. She is currently going to school to become a pachyderm veterinarian, but also works as a birds of prey rehabilitator, rancher, waitress and preschool teacher. For fun, she enjoys riding her Harley (Ultra Classic), going to classic car shows, fitness training, hiking with her German Sheppard, learning new languages (currently up to four), and getting her hands dirty on the farm. Oh, and she has a 32DD rack.

With the increased numbers of people purchasing outdoor garden furniture there have been a number of new and innovative designs coming on to the market in recent years. One of these is recycled plastic patio furniture. It has a number of advantages over regular plastic patio furniture, the main one being its low environmental footprint.

My prediction: Chrysler will cease to exist, or at the very least be bought out by another Eurpoean company, by the end of 2010. General Motors will never again regain the former glory it once held but Ford? Ford has been kicking ass and taking names -- they ranked right up there with Honda and Toyota (tee hee) in the latest JD Power rankings. I guess they're not all Fucked Over Repaired Dodges anymore?

watch this kid freak as he tries to answer trivia questions while on a roller coaster.

drunk driver crashes and tries to flee from police. with awesome soundtrack.

twenty-five hot boxing babes to set the mood for pacquiao vs. clottey.

twenty-five hottest cheerleaders of the 2010 ncaa tournament.

March 20, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

a picture of a man swimming side-stroke.

heidi montag talks about her boobs. you're welcome.

the five most pointless ways big budget movies blew millions.

celebrities with famously fake knockers (with before and after photos)

March 19, 2010

Well No Shit He Cheated On Her, I Would Too.

Generally I tend to look at scandals about celebrity infidelity with the same dull sense of amazement as I do executions in Saudi Arabia; the only thing I find shocking about them is that people still find them shocking. Even as late as an hour ago, news articles are being written about someone sentenced to die in the Kingdom of Saud for whatever dumb fucking reason, as if this is a newsworthy event. Because when something ceases to be the exception and instead becomes the norm, guess what... it's not news anymore. Unless I come across an article that contain the phrases 'Saudi Arabia' and 'death sentence' and 'commuted', nothing they say or do is going to raise my eyebrow anymore.

And by extension, the same can be said for Hollywood and the latest Who-Got-Caught-Fucking-Who headlines. JESSE JAMES BUSTED CHEATING ON SANDRA BULLOCK. Well no fucking shit. Anyone with a teaspoon full of shit in their heads could have called this one eons ago. Let's recap. The tattooed chick you see to you right? That's Janine Lindemulder, James' ex-wife. Occupation? Porn star. That's right, she sucks cock and has threesomes for a living. His current wife? The biggest fucking prude on two legs, Sandra Bullock, who the closest shes ever come to showing her tits on camera is this stupid ass scene from last year's The Proposal. And the chick he just got busted fucking? Goes by the name Michelle Bombshell and surprise, she looks a lot like a certain porn star we know.

Something I learned a long time ago -- and this rule holds true 99% of the time -- is that men cheat for sex and women cheat for excitement. Haven't surprised the wife with flowers lately? She's probably fucking your boss. Spent too many weekend home on the couch watching television? Your girlfriend is probably fucking your brother. And for you ladies -- ahem, Ms. Bullock -- exactly why is it that Mr. James sought refuge in another woman's arms? Two words: Raunchy. Sex. It was a simple case of: "Hey Baby, how about you give me a nice messy blowjob and I give you a nice messy facial?" "Oh my God, are you kidding? No. That's disgusting! And demeaning! Don't you think more of me than that? And my God what if anyone ever found out? Or even worse, pictures! I mean the paparazzi is always watching. What if those pictures made it on the web? My career would be over! Oh my God, I can't believe you even asked me to do that. I'm disgus -- >GAG< -- >GAG< -- see that, I'm gagging just thinking about it. Oh my God, I feel nauseous." Followed by two hours of her riding his ass about everything under the sun. Versus a simple: "Hey Baby, how about you give me a nice messy blowjob and I give you a nice messy facial?" " "Um, okay."

So I look at this whole thing as one big example of you reap what you sow. But the guys at Buzzfeed did make an interesting discovery in regards to when Sandra knew something hokey was going on. Watch the moment when her name is announced. That withering look just before she stands up! That is the look of a woman scorned.

Hey Ernie, I'm a long time reader of your site but this is my first message to you. I know the good you've done over the years (i.e. LBEH, Daisy, etc...) and I think this story might interest you. The story of Spike starts in Afghanistan where, after an explosion, a team of Marines found Spike. One Marine, SSGT Neal Kulik, became particularly fond of Spike bringing her food and water and eventually bringing her with him. She is deaf from the explosion and her ears and tail were cut off by Afghans without sedation or pain killers. Well, SSGT Kulik is coming home and wants to bring Spike with him. The costs are very expensive for him ($3000 or so) so he's reaching out for help. I think we can help this honorable Marine bring his Spike home. Here's the link. Are you with me? Best regards, Adam

You know me, dogs rule and all that. I can't help it, I've been around em ever since I was a baby. But every once in a while, every once in a blue moon, people aren't so bad either. Not often, but it happens. So maybe we can help ol Spike out, eh? it shouldn't be too tough, at last look they had already raised $2,200 and only had $800 $750 to go.

Hi Ernie, Never thought I'd see anything quite so appropriate for your site. I grabbed these with my iPhone so they're not the clearest... but you get the idea. Cheers, Mike

THAT, is the most awesome truck I have ever seen. Plus I've always found the Totally Looks Like site to be hysterical. I've never noticed the similarity between Duke Nuke Em 3d and Army of Darkness before, even though I've seen both of them a hundred times. Anyway, here's the March madness version - Greg Monroe totally looks like Deebo from Friday.

abandoned: six flags new orleans.

the history of the world in just 75 seconds.

extreme shooting by kenneth aspestrand, proffesional trickshooter.

March 18, 2010

Yeah, That's Me, What of It?

Wow, death threats? You guys don't fuck around, do you? I'm glad Spork is gonna be okay but it still kills me that first the vet tech says she wasn't pushing for the dangerous dog charge, and then two paragraphs later, the cops say, "Yeah we wouldn't have pursued it if she didn't want us to." Fucking bitch must have been high, right! Which makes me wonder, is Ron Reagan gonna have to slap a bitch? Well, he sure as hell would, if she came home with a tattoo looking like this.

So I've been catching up on my Futurama lately and I happened to catch a four-part episode about how the Scammer Aliens took over the Earth, titled Bender's Big Score. In the first part of the series, the plot is heavily centered around spam and malicious emails and I kept thinking, "Wow I guess Matt Groening got hit with a pretty good virus recently, eh?" But as stupid/silly as the plotline was, the Scammer Aliens were quite successful in their endeavours. The only part that really burned my ass is they introduced both forward and backward time travel at will, so it made any plot line pretty much a moot point. Not that I watch Futurama for the plot, but still.

Ernie, Long time fan of the site. Thought you might be interested in a video how-to on making marijuana icecream. Part 1 - Part 2. - C

Anyway, still recovering from St Patrick's Day a little bit, so I'm going to be kind of brief today.

let's take a nice relaxing drive around iraq, shall we?

i think heidi montag's new tits look fucking marvelous.

twelve hiking gizmos that make climbing everest easy.

the end of days? chevy considers four-door CORVETTE.

March 17, 2010

Happy Saint Patrick's Day, You No Condom Wearing Bastards.

Hint: When Jameson's Irish Whiskey needed a brand ambassador to be the face of their product here in the United States, they did not -- I repeat, did NOT -- pick the ugliest Irish girl they could find. Oh Paula Reynolds, how my heart pines for thee. Anyway, regardless of what you do, or do not do on St. Patrick's Day, the only thing that really matter is whether or not you survive. And so here's everything I could dig up on Jameson's Irish Whiskey and Guinness Stout.

So start your day off with a nice Irish breakfast: pour 6 ounces of freshly brewed coffee in to a clear glass footed mug. Add 1 teaspoon of brown sugar. Stir to dissolve. Next add one and one half ounces of a good tasting Irish Whiskey. Stir. Then float a bit of cold heavy cream on the top.. if you must you can use Redi-whip…but don’t put in flavored creams! Enjoy and repeat. That and other good Irish drink recipes are available here. There might be a few involving a potato or corned beef, but I can't drink those.

And while Western Michigan University does indeed throw the most rocking St Patrick's Day parties -- at least until the cops show up -- I can assure you that Florida State has the hottest March Madness alumni. Long live Jenn Sterger!

the eight most evil leprechauns.

ten interesting facts for st. patrick's day.

twelve anti-irish cartoons just in time for st. patrick's day.

March 16, 2010

English Motherfucker, Do You Speak It?

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Eduard Khil speaks to us.

I guess if that doesn't convince you the Cold War is over, nothing will. And to be honest, I kind of miss our old Soviet counterparts. At least with them, the aggression was tense but somewhat predictable. They didn't want to to destroy the world any more than we did. Even back in World War II the Japanese Kamikazes were the exception, not the norm. But when you're fighting a bunch of religious fucknuts who believe that this life not as good as the next, and they just can't wait to get that party started? Well, that's scary.

On that note, here's a quick history lesson for my fellow fat lazy Americans. After viewing this video clip of who can stuff the most people into a Smart Car, I noticed that all the English people displayed white flags with red crosses. We've all seen this before at events such as the World Cup, but it's never piqued my interest until now. I just figured white white flag/red cross is kind of a historical thing, the way rednecks down here will display a Confederate flag, or gun nuts display the Gadsden flag. I mean the English flag is supposed to be the Union Jack, right? Wrong, stupid American! The Flag of England is the St George's Cross, while the Union Jack is is the flag of the United Kingdom. I'll be honest, I only know this because I just read it on the Woodland's Junior School website. So don't say you haven't learned anything today.

Hey bud, I have to admit that my wife isn't very fond of you. You first got me interested in WWII a few years ago, and now It's pretty much all i ever read about or watch on tv. Plus side is she's letting me buy a new tv for the guest room so she doesn't have to listen to it, so....thanks! this site has some of the best (worst?) pictures of kamikaze attacks on U.S. ships i have come across. They are not propaganda, staged, or anyway altered.....just terrifying. Hope you can use them. -DW

Continuing with my 'why dogs rule' mantra, this is why I would sell my motherfucking soul to be a medium sized mutt named Chuck right about now. Because once I'm in that house? Man, it's on like Donkey Kong.

A website for a slow day - you can watch paint peeling, grass growing and other fun stuff when you are too bored to do anything else. - Dave

I suppose if you're slamming around town in either a 640hp Corvette or a 500hp Porsche, it doesn't really matter if you win or lose, eh?

remember who francia raisa is? me neither. hell of a rollerblader, though.

March 15, 2010

Don't Believe Everything You Read.

Or, "Why you should never send drunken emails at 10 o'clock at night. But either way, I have to throw myself on the sword and admit that I linked to a story without verifying it first and thus made a complete ass of myself.

yea thats Tom Cruise.... riding a $76,000 t.o.l. Italian motor bike.Ok lets say ...sum JA has all the coin in Vegas.( which aint much now.. since your boy O keeps dissing Vegas) decides to by a crotch rocket,just because he met 2 two many fags driving Harleys..... Y o Y would he buy a Ducati for 76,000 and dress up like a fag on a Harley. I NEED EVIDENCE THATS TOM CRUISE ON A DUCATI. sorry FUBR here. But anyone that is anyone would know that the tread on the outside of his tires would be worn off if that realy was Tom Cruise. Steve

But alas, it turns out ol drunken Steve was right. So while Mr Cruise does indeed own one of the Ducatis in question, turn out he was NOT involved in any crash. Otherwise how could he be out riding this morning? And Tom Arnold has a pretty fucking sweet Victory Vision. I took one of those on a test ride a few months back. At slow parking-lot speeds it was like trying to balance a Greyhound bus on two wheels but once you got up and moving, fuck it was set the cruise, lean back and eat lunch. Ahhh, how things change through the years. Long gone are the days of the "two in the pink and one in the stink" old school shocker. Come see the new and improved -- and extremely NSFW -- Shocker of 2010!

Not only are UFC events some of the most exciting in the world of sports -- with the ol ultra-violence and all -- but they are also the most pleasing to the eyes. Not the fighters—they're grotesque—but because of the Octagon Girls. In an exciting development, former Octagon Girl and current UFC All Access host Rachelle Leah will be putting on the bikini once again and strutting her stuff in the Octagon. Whether she'll be filling in for one of the two on duty right now or just coming in as a special guest, we don't know, but anytime you can highlight Rachelle and the two other fine Octagon Girls, you gotta do it. Enjoy.

What do you get when you combine a farmer, redneck and a biker all in one? Greg

The SxSW (South by Southwest) conference is underway in Austin, and the team from The Planet have added some interactivity to the company’s booth on the trade show floor with The Planet Server Challenge. Participants have a deconstructed Pentium4 server sitting on a table in front of them, and the objective is to put it back together as quickly as possible. The fastest server builder at the conference will win an ASUS Eee PC netbook. In this 90 second video, The Planet’s Phil Jackson demonstrates the process. And as stupid as that was, it still wasn't douchey enough to be among the douchiest SXSW panel list.

Hi, Ernie, you know what? Assbat is back on ytmnd! ahah? James

Alyssa Marie is originally from Minneapolis, Minnesota and she recently moved to southern Texas. She began modeling for Macy's when she was three years old and immediately it became her dream. After graduating high school, she began doing promotions for various companies around Minneapolis. While working at a Hooters Restaurant, Alyssa won several bikini contests, along with other contest titles from local clubs and venues. She has been on many "hot" lists for radio stations, college sites, men's magazines and websites. In 2009, she was chosen to be part of an amazing group of 12 girls called the Boji Babes out of Lake Okoboji, IA. As a group, they have participated in many charity events and recently, Alyssa was published as Miss August in the 2010 Boji Babes calendar.

the twenty greatest chat roulette trolls.

amazing predictions from 1958 that came true.

the top ten most expensive homes from around the world.

March 13, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Benelli Weekend Joke Here.

Ernie, I have been a long-time reader and thought it was time to contribute. Here is the story: My girlfriend's Jeep was stolen in San Diego and was recovered the next day in Mexico. The reason they didn't take the spare tire is because I put a lock on it. By the way, they stole the Viper alarm as well. Take care, Dave.


eduard khil, the trol-lol guy? enjoying his refound fame. still has same haircut.

how macgyver ripped off one of the greatest car chase ever filmed.

the fifteen hottest actresses you will never see naked.

did you know that rogert ebert wrote softcore porn? two thumbs up!

the tramp stamp hall of shame. the ten year old girl? stay classy san diego.

eastereggsforhitler - expertmuffdiver - fallenpalmtree - iraqiglockcop - penguinparty

March 12, 2010

Yeah It's Raining Here Today. Again. Again, Again. Again.

Where were you when you first saw Kevin Costner's Robin Hood? I was at the theatres on West Ridge Road, right near Mt Read Blvd, putting the schmooze on a chick I worked with at Pet World. Her name was Barbara Rettig. The movie was good, we were laughing and giggling all the way through, and as the movie was coming to an end we both decided to take a drive up by the beach. Things were looking good for our hero! Then the movie ended, the lights came on, we stood up to leave our seats and who was sitting two rows behind us? Her boyfriend's friends. Yeah. Barb wanted to go straight home after that. Goddamn cockblockers. Anyway, I only bring this up because now I'm curious what this latest Robin Hood remake will be like.

And on a world scale, it turns out that not everybody is workin for the weekend. Because here is a list of everyone who is a bazillion times richer than we are. Now compare the average age from that list, to those who made their fortunes via the internet. Yeah, shocking, eh? I'll keep thinking about that while you're strapping my kayak to the roof of my car for a little getaway because let'sbe honest, it ain't like I'm flying off to see the models of Costa Rica anytime soon.

5-Second Films was created by Brian “Boss Man” Firenzi in the Spring of 2005, after being disappointed by so many 5,400-second films. The rules are simple: 2 seconds of beginning titles, 5 seconds of film, 1 second of end titles. If you take umbrage with these 5sfs running at an actual length of 8 seconds, we can only assume you’re no fun at dinner parties. Here is a compilation of the best of the best: Magic Show Volunteer and Mr. Forgetful made me snort coffee on my keyboard, thus delaying this update by eleven minutes.

I'm not sure if I call bullshit on this one. Top Gear has been known to do some pretty cool shit, and here we have Jeremy Clarkson driving a little piece of Eurotrash through a huge sewer pipe and completing a nice barrel roll at 37 mph. The landing looks like it's CGI... yes... no?

What's better than a picture of two girls kissing? A picture of three girls kissing!

Generally I like the Coen Brother's movies but I thought No Country For Old Men was one of the most horrible movies in the history of man. During the few months of the year when every magazine did its "best of the decade" feature, Empire magazine said, "in a perfect world, all films would be made by the Coen Brothers." Well, the pair have already tried their hand at noir, gangster film, screwball comedy, romantic comedy, and musicals (to name a few), but what if the Coens had done Star Wars?

lindsay lohan shows her bra and ass in purple.

why women hate strip clubs. or more to the point, who cares?

remember the $72,000 ducati that tom cruise bought? yeah, someone hit him.

March 11, 2010

Damn Right I Do. Rockin It Old School.

I'm too short to have ever appreciated backetball, but this is balls out hilarious. At 7'2" and 7'8", the Ivan Brothers have unprecedented size and otherworldly raw talent. The biggest men on any campus, they're about to storm the NCAA tournament and get Medieval on March. Chickens in the pen! Chicken in the pen! It's five minutes you won't regret, trust me.

You know what made me laugh? Christina Hendricks -- a natural blonde, by the way -- was recently quoted as saying, "Anytime someone talks about your figure constantly, you get nervous, you get really self-conscious. I was working my butt off on the show, and then all anyone was talking about was my body!" Honey, I hate to break the news to you, but we aren't fascinated with your body, we're fascinated with your enourmous tits. The rest of you could be a cellulite, wart riddled mass, and we wouldn't care. So here's a picture gallery dedicated to Christina Hendrick's enormous tits natural beauty. You're welcome.

Where were these teachers when I was in school? - Greg

The age of modern technology has turned so many women woman with a digital camera and a mirror into wannabe glamour models. The interwebs are littered with videos of booty shaking babes in their bedrooms and self shot mirror pics of the good, the bad and the ugly in various states of nakedness and seductive poses.

Hi Ernie. Working in London last week, I looked out to see this bloke cleaning the windows on a building and well as you can see! considering the amount of health and safety rules we have in this country. This just off old bond street in central London. Neil

If you're a cat person you might want to avoid the most horrifying things found in the homes of "Hoarders". Hint: Hoarders aren't dog people.

What a trip this would be! Michael

Sooo, Chris Brown doing a commercial for Cover Girl makeup... in poor taste?

real-life hurt locker: how bomb-proof suits (are supposed to) work.

big bertha (howitzer), nasa's crawler-transporter, and the principality of sealand.

March 10, 2010

I Know A Few Girls Who Are Brokenhearted Right Now.

Everybody who is still alive, raise your hand. What's that? NOT SO FAST, COREY HAIM! Yeah, hunting vampires just won't be the same without you.

Old and busted? Rick Rolling. The new hotness? Well, you'll see.

First it was praying mantis vs goldfish. Now it's praying mantis vs a hummingbird. Note to self? Don't fuck with praying mantises. Just give up your wallet and run.

Hey Ernie I AM CANADIAN, and proud of it. I feel everyone should be proud of their country and has the right to do so. Why should some douche bag be allowed to print an article like this. Could you do your Canadian followers a favour and flame this Asshole and his publisher. Thanks Bud

You know, there was a time when I'd have flamed you just for being Canadian. Ahh, the good old days. Anyway, being a former resident of Rochester, I used to tell people that New York City wasn't really a part of New York state. They're kind of their own little animal down there. And I suppose the same can be said for Texas, in regards to the country as a whole. Yeah, they don't wrap em real tight down there, so don't take anything they say to heart. Me personally, I'm glad the Canadian teams took home gold in both men's and women's hockey. Fuck you guys hosted the Olympics and hockey is the national sport -- of course you're entitled to have a few heroes. I hope the Ruskies do equally well in 2014, because they've got hockey in their blood, too. Besides I think a lot of Olympic events were ruined the moment they started letting professional athletes play in 1988. Now when you see Pavel Datsyuk lace up his skates or Allen Iverson make a free throw, we're just watching another All Star game only with fancier jerseys and more sponsors. When it was all amateurs? Ahhh, that's what made the Miracle on Ice such a miracle.

Speaking of the good old days, remember this old internet staple, what World War II would look like it it had happened in an IRC chat room? It's been passed around via email for as long as I can remember, I posted it to the joke list on July 17th, 1999. Well it's been updated for 2010, with Facebook the medium of choice this time. You have to pay close attention to it though, otherwise you'll miss the build up to subtle stuff like the Malta conference, sinking of the Bismark, and Montgomery's landing in Sicily.

who cheats? docs and stay at home moms.

"when a guy who is 205 lbs punches a midget..."

hate paying for cable? here's where your money goes.

ten years after: a look back at the dotcom boom and bust.

March 9, 2010

Pay No Attention To That Man Behind The Curtain!

"Ernie, So wait, let me get this straight. Advertisers can tell if I can see their ads or not and pays you accordingly? It's not your fault I block them, it's like punishing CBS for every time I Tivo CSI. But it's how you get paid, and I like your site (and hate feeling like a freeloader), so I'll white-list you and most of the other sites I like, and from now on just block individual ads I don't like. It's only one pair of eyes, but I hope it helps. Chris. P.S. Just clicked around a couple of your pages, and your ads aren't that bad. Thanks."

Well, sort of. But this brings to light a topic I've been wanting to do for awhile now, one that not many webmasters are willing to discuss openly. And that is to explain how motherfuckers like me make a living running websites. For starters, it ain't as fucking easy as it used to be. Five years ago when the economy had a full head of steam, life was good. The folks running the larger sites on the internet were having contests over who could buy the biggest yacht. Now that the economy has been through the ringer, not as many people have extra money to spend on porn subscriptions and novelty tshirts, and so the internet based economy suffers right along with the brick and mortar side of the house. Back in the big fat pimpin, rollin days around 2005, one might be able to make $120 a day off a single ad run on a single website. Now you'll be lucky to make a tenth of that, so instead of yachts it's more like Pee-Wee Herman's bicycle. Lately I've been able to be very selective with who I take on in regards to advertising, but I'll admit when times were lean I had to suck dick for beer money just like everyone else. But hey, it beats doing porn like Sly Stallone, right? Besides honestly, is reading an article that's titled, "6 Soldiers Who Survived Shit That Would Kill a Terminator" really that much of a chore for you? I didn't think so.

Anyway, both safe for work (SFW) and not safe for work (NSFW) websites make their cashola in one of three forms of advertising: cost-per-click (CPC), cost-per-action (CPA), or cost-per-thousand (CPM). I'll ass'plain each.

Cost-Per-Click is just like it sounds; a set fee for each visitor sent to a website. Thus is Site-A buys traffic from Site-B, Site-B earns money for each unique visitor he sends over to Site-A. The fee can be fixed or negotiated, and generally gets cheaper as the quantity goes up. So for example, Site-B may charge $0.005 (half a penny) per visitor for 30,000 visitors, but drop that down to $0.0045 in quantities of 60,000 or more. And remember this is per unique visitor, so if you click on the same link ten times, you still only count as one unique visit. Likewise, SFW traffic tends to be a little more expensive than NSFW traffic, simply because Site-B doesn't have to work as hard to convince people to go visit a site about tits. See, even in cyberspace the golden rule is, "Sex Sells." I've found some adult CPC sites out there are willing to pay as high as $0.03 CPC (wow!) per unique visitor, but the trade off is they inundate any poor hapless bastards you send over there with so much bullshit and spam, that people get so turned off you're effectively driving away your own readerbase. I hit a few of these sites back in the 2005/2006 era, and learned that lesson the hard way. My bad.

Next on the plate is Cost-Per Action, or more commonly referred to as affiliate marketing. In this business model, you're not paid on the amount of traffic you send, but a commission based upon the sales generated by the traffic you send. Perfect example: the little banner on the right for T-Shirt Hell? That's an affiliate link. When you visit their site from my link, they "know" that I was the referring site. Thus if you buy any shirts from them during that visit, I get a portion of that sale. Previously the commission was $4 per shirt, but as of the new year they bumped it up to $5 ... woohoo! I've been an affiliate of theirs since they started back in 2002; here, let's take a look at my stats. This month my traffic quality has been pretty good, thanks to two big sales on the 4th and 5th (thank you, whoever you are!); averaging only 60 clicks before I get a sale. Over the lifespan of our partnership, my average has been higher around 160 clicks per sale. Now just how big fat pimpin, rollin can one get from selling t-shirts on the side of a website? Well, thirteen G's over eight years is about $1,600 a year, or about $125 a month. Again, it's not a yacht, but it's a cable bill.

Last is is Cost-Per-Thousand -- CPM -- think Roman numerals, and is the most common form of advertising out there today. In CPM campaigns, a webmaster gets paid a certain fee each time an advertiser's banner ad is displayed 1,000 times. Back in the big fat pimpin, rollin days, it wasn't uncommon to find CPM campaigns in the $3.50-$4.00 range. So a site that gets 10,000 daily pageviews, running a $3.50 CPM campaign could stand to make (10,000 / 1,000 x $3.50) $35 a day from a single banner placement. Given that most sites usually have 2-3 banner placements, you can see how this added up quite quickly. But as time wore on and the economy began to falter, two things happened: first champagne stopped falling from the skies and two, CPM rates plummeted through the floor. The only saving grace with CPM advertising is they're not tracking unique visitors, so if you view ten pages on a site, all ten pageviews count towards that thousand CPM rate. Over the last few years, CPM campaigns were modified to adopt a variable payout based upon traffic quality, so sites that had better traffic quality -- known as a click-through-ratio -- were paid a higher CPM than those with a lower click-through-ratio. It's common for sites that rely heavily upon CPM campaigns to break up their articles into page 1, page 2, page 3, etc, to boost their number of pageviews. Sure it might be kind of an inconvenience, but hey a brother's got to pay the bills.

So again, let's look at the CPM stats that I run on my four little SFW sites that I started within the last year. As of 5:30am this morning when I ran that report -- you were still in bed, no doubt -- Ernie Street had made a whopping $0.24 in income, second only to BendBox which was setting the bar at $0.28. I know, try to wrap your mind around these huge figures, please. Anyway, if you look at the MTD ECPM -- Month to Date, Earned Cost Per Thousand -- you'll see that Street is paid a higher rate than BendBox is, $0.63 and $0.28 respectively. From a how-to perspective, I can tell you that this is because Street is more textual and thus the ad company can better match banners to the site's subject matter, increasingly the likelihood of a visitor clicking the banner. For example, one of the articles I posted on Street this morning is, "Honda 3R-C Concept To Provide Zero Emission Commuting”, so the banner ads can be very targeted and might reflect something in the neighborhood of hybrid cars, solar panels, Honda, etc. Where as with BendBox, there’s no real text to work with, so the banner ads that get displayed are kind of all over the place. That’s how over the course of the last week, Ernie Steet has managed to earn twice as much as BendBox, with half as much traffic. All said and done, the sites combine up to average around $275-$300 a month. Again, it's not a yacht, but it's an electric and water bill.

I go into this not only to expound upon the article I linked to yesterday, but to reinforce the fact that we -- the webmasters of the world -- make our bread and butter by getting people to visit our sites. And by extension, we fucking loathe shit that drives people away -- such as malicious code that sneaks its way into what is supposed to be safe advertising. So believe me, we don’t like malicious shit like that any more than you do, but it can happen to anybody. Example. There are two HUGE game sites on the web: Armor Games and Kongregate. and when I say huge, I mean that Armor Games is the 800th most visited site on the entire fucking world, with Kongretage right behind it at 1,094. These sites generate millions of dollars in income per year. But I visited Armor Games yesterday (looking for a game, selected Demolition Dude) and sure enough one of their banner ads tried to redirect me to one of the fake “Anti-Virus” sites. Now being as big as they are, I’m sure that by the time I noticed something was wrong, the folks at Armor Games were already reaming their advertising company a new asshole... but my point is still the same. Even the most respected and secure neighborhoods will occasionally see a burglary, even the most reliable and dependable cars occasionally break down and yes, even the most giant and seemingly safe sites will occasionally get hit with malware. So when it happens, trust me that the webmaster that runs the site is just as put off by it as you are. Don’t freak, don’t spaz, just kindly fire them off an email letting them know that one of their banner ads is misbehaving. Chances are, you won’t be able to figure out which banner ad it was (remember, they’re random), but we should be able to do something on the back end. But as for the other 99% of online advertising that's clean, hey if you see something that interests you, by all means click on it. And if you don't see anything that tickles your fancy, no big deal try again tomorrow. It's as simple as that.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I can afford to keep buying Samuel Adams.

And now a word from our sponsor, wink, wink: Brianne Chanel Cox is a 22-year-old model who has been modeling full time in the Las Vegas area for the past three years. Brianne is originally from Colorado, and she has an associates degree from UNLV for hospitality management. She's interested in travel and pursuing a modeling career. She has appeared in numerous magazines and has done runway modeling in numerous fashion shows.

Seriously! Haha. A friend shared this on Facebook and it looked EHOWA worthy. Love the site! ~Shawna

Howdy, Ern - I thought I'd send you some news about Schilling - apparently his "video gaming" wasn't just a PR thing... this guy is designing a role-playing game with some of the heaviest hitters in the industry. Oh, and they mention that there's no way it'll be called "The Adventures of Curt Schilling." I don't know whether to be happy or sad about that. Keep up the good work! Jim

This list of the funniest comediennes you should know about does not contain April macie and that makes baby Jesus cry.

I-70 Glenwood Canyon Rockslide: Update March 8, 2010 at 8:45 a.m. -- and you shy away from a little ice storm. Rocky.

P.S. Here's our old pal Eduard Hill singing other songs, many with real lyrics this time. Not that I can understand the commie pinko, but still. La-la-la-la-laa, anyway let's go hunt some Jews!

second tron legacy trailer. wood! we've got wood!

i'm all in: watch a poker tournament get robbed on live television.

test your knowledge of world geography alone or against another online player.

March 8, 2010

Ohio! Ohio! Ohio!

A very interesting read: Why Ad Blocking is devastating to the sites you love.

While the French military leaves a lot to be desires, I have to admit their television isn't half bad. Now French cars such as Citroen? Eh, the jury is still out on that one. Anyway, my many thanks to the 500 million people who corrected me on this weekend's post, as the "Parma State of Mine" video was for/from Parma, OHIO... not Parma, NEW YORK. Sigh. I should have known nothing that cool could could come out of NYS. And just for the record, Dave was first:

Hey Ernie, Long time reader and first time (as long as I'm aware) contributor. The video you linked of "Parma State of Mind" is about a suburb of Cleveland, OH. Not Rochester. I'm from the area and I can attest that most of that stuff if true, Parma is a shit-hole. David

The Inverse Graphing Calculator is like a backwards graphing calculator. Normally, you enter an equation into your calculator and then get a graph of the curve. The way the IGC works is, you type something you'd like as your curve, like 'Hello World' or 'I love you'. The IGC produces an equation which has this phrase as its graph! Wait, what? Here, I'll just show you. Alsmost as cool as the Inverse Graphing Calculator? Hugh Laurie's audition tape for the role of House.

The more you know: Heterochromia is the presence of different colored eyes in the same person. Heterochromia is uncommon in humans, but quite common in dogs (such as Dalmatians and Australian sheep dogs), cats, and horses. Most cases of heterochromia are hereditary, caused by a disease or syndrome, or due to an injury. Sometimes one eye may change color following certain diseases or injuries.

[REGARDING THE TRO-LOL-LOL-LOL SINGER] Ernie, The guy's name is Edward Hill, a 60s Russian singer. He is singing about being happy that he is going home. There's a Belarusian guy he in the office who provided this info. He is quite find of Mr. Hill. John

In honor of Mr. Edward Hill, here are the complete lyrics to the melody he so graciously sang for us. And in honor of Brittney Griner, here are the worst sucker punches in sports... thirty-two years on and the Woody Hayes one still makes me laugh. he died nine years later having never apologized, either.

Chevys are not Ram tough! Rocky.

Huge wave, cruise ship, blah-blah, blah. Who cares right? I mean it's just a stupid little wave. That is until you're eating dinner and there's seawater sloshing at your fucking feet. To hell with the women and children, get my fat ass on a lifeboat!

attention computer losers (aol people), use this site befor asking for help.

erik estrada vs. crack cocaine, with the future of humanity on the line.

george romero, how do i love thee? why let me count the ways.

ten masturbatory situations. hey it's perfectly normal.

March 6, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Someone sent in this link about a British pilot who still managed to fly his Chinook helicopter despite having been shot between the eyes. The author credits the pilot's flying skills for saving the lives of the twenty souls on board, and while I'm sure his flying ability played some part in it, I think they're alive because the helicopter was the venerable Bravo November. This helicopter -- which is older than most everyone who flies on her -- has been attacked by just about every weapon man has ever devised and always brought its crew home safely; it's their Memphis Belle. Fuck, someone even tried to drown it once, and that didn't work wither. I honestly and truly believe this chopper should be pulled from service and retired to the RAF Museum; it's too fucking cool to risk losing. Long live Bravo November.

all hail the roboplow!

the 2010 oscars drinking game.

jobs of yesteryear: obsolete occupations.

the scariest whore in the history of scary whores.

OUCH -> muzzleloader rifle, savage model 10mlss .50 cal <- OUCH

town of parma is right outside of rochester and this is some FUNNY SHIT.

killer ass thread – american apparel announces winner of best bottom contest.

from wikisnaps: second biggest article ever? breast reduction. what's with you people?

March 5, 2010

Wait, Is That Apollo Creed?

In honor of Evil Dead being released on the big screen, here's Evil Dead in 60 seconds. With clay. No word on if Ash will ever beat someone to death with their own arm.

What's that you say? Stop the water from flowing over the American side of Niagara Falls and walk along the dry river bed? No thank you, I'd probably piss my pants first.

Mention the World Cup here in America, and it's, "Ho-Hum, who cares?" But as soon as you say World Cup Nude Body Painting, and suddenly it's, "Oh where have you been all my life?"

In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following: "The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so temperamental." Well, the management system and this Ocala police officer.

The rules of a wet-tshirt contest clearly state that contestants should keep their shirt on at all times. Therefore, I submit to you that each of these girls should be disqualified from this competition.

Ernie. Saw your wooden marble machince and thought you would like this.... sorry i cant spell... fuck it right... love the site... Scar

With the Oscars tomorrow night, we have a few quick questions for James Cameron’s masterpiece. And P.S. I wasn't kidding about the Deadly Prey. And who speaks Russian? What the fuck is this all about?

thou shalt not fuck with the jews.

tyra banks interviews ten vaginas.

March 4, 2010

I Shall Give Pleasure To Your Eyes.

If I said the name John Hannah you probably wouldn't know who I was talking about. But if I said the drunken, wimpy brother of Rachael Weisz's character in The Mummy, then the light would go on, eh? Yeah, passive, shy little man, right? Kind of an all around pussy, wouldn't you agree? So it's really freaky to watch him tool a big titted slave while conversing with a topless Lucy Lawless. You can see the entire clip here, presuming the universe doesn't implode by then.

This is a wooden marble machine. It is 6 feet tall, and is powered only by potential energy, a little kinetic energy and gravity. there are no motors, batteries or cranks. It uses a 3/8 inch diameter steel marble, which starts at the bottom, and goes to the top, and then returns to the bottom, making this trip about 1,300 times in 24 hours.

Anyway, I've begun my annual preparations for the upcoming zombie apocalypse/hurricane season and this year in addition to the usual food/water stockpile, I'm adding something that no modern household shoudl be without: a 12 gauge shotgun. Taking my cue from Tallahassee and hiz zombie kill of the week, my first choice was the Benelli M4 Super 90 semiautomatic. But since those guns are really fucking expensive -- the collapsible stock alone is $800 -- needless to say I had to find something a bit less expensive. A sawed off shotgun would be neat, but would quickly land me in Pound Me In The Ass Prison. Double barrelled shotguns look cool, but ultimately are impractical for home/zombie defense. So after hemming and hawing around the internet for the last month, I finally settled upon a Benelli Super Nova Tactical with a pistol grip and ghost ring sites. It should be here by the middle of this coming week and hopefully I'll be able to handle the recoil better than this girl did.

Hey Ernie, Long time reader first time writer. I read on a recent post that you recommended the free antivirus suite Avast. While this is a great overall option for free AV, however I did have an issue when I tried to sync my Ipod Nano after installing Avast. Multiple files on the Ipod were detected as threats and itunes was blocked from syncing the device, along with multiple annoying 'Threat Detected' popups appearing. The workaround is to simply add the device path to the File Scan exclusion list, in this case 'G:\'. This fixed the problem completely. Hope this helps any other EHOWA'ers that may have had the same issue. Keep up the great work and thanks for the years of boredom relief. -Paul

Along those lines, Paraben's Porn Detection Stick is a thumb drive device that will search through all the images on your computer, scan them for pornographic content, and create a report of suspected pornographic images. It even scans deleted images so there's no hiding Internet activity. Kinda scary, eh?

Ahh yes, before I go. Tidal. Current leader is Robert with 50,579 and here's your 3rd grade science textbook, as written by Gary Busey. Mmmm, nukes!

hollywood's worst kept secrets. we were almost free of wahlberg.

a dog video so beautiful, you almost forget they smell each others asses.

March 3, 2010

Small Popcorn? That'll Be $284,719 Please.

I don't know why I still care, but I found a little humor in the fact that Cop Out didn't do so well this weekend. Considering I've heard nothing but bad things about Shutter Island, and everyone hates Tracy Morgan in Cop Out, I wouldn't be surprised if my beloved Crazies come in numero uno next week. Presuming Brooklyn's Finest -- which has a great cast but almost zero marketing -- doesn't come out of nowhere.

Jersey Shore has come and gone, but the legacy of the guido lives forever. These hair-gelled warriors of the dance floor are the nadir of the American male - all spray tans, Ed Hardy shirts and attitude. We've gone into the wild to bring back pictures of the twenty worst guidos we could find. These orange goblins give Italy a bad name. Like worse than Mussolini did.

Hi Ernie. I don't know if you will be interested in this story about my ten minute trip in our company Super King Air this morning or not, but I thought I would share it with you. I had an interesting morning. We were taking the King Air to Auburn this morning and we took out a couple of Seagulls immediately after takeoff. One of them hit the pilot's pitot tube thus he had no airspeed indication on his side. Luckily the co-pilot's pitot tube was spared as you can see in the frontal picture. Had we lost both, we would have been in a pickle. As you can see the radome also got hit. We lost the yaw damper too, probably from lack of input from the airspeed indicator. It was overcast at 800 feet and Dothan's ILS is inop due to runway repairs right now. We made a wide 360 degree turn to the right in the soup and used the GPS to get back to the runway. If the ceiling had been any lower we would have had to hunt somewhere else that was VFR and who knows where that would have been this morning. Takeoff to touchdown was 10 minutes. The fire trucks were waiting for us when we got back and one followed us to our hanger. Then one of the airport guys brought us the seagulls he had retrieved from the runway. Of note, the airplanes like I used to fly only have one pitot tube and airspeed indicator. As a pilot and able to look forward and see by the instruments what was going on, I was concerned, but not frightened. On the other hand, there was a lady on board who I thought was going to die before landing due to her fright. Our pilots did a great job! LBEH again this year! Pictures I took are attached. John E, Dothan, AL

So NBC decided to open up a forum where users can share photos, ideas, and links with Jay Leno himself. It seemed like a great idea, but there was one small oversight: Leno fans don't know how to use computers. But Conan O'Brien fans, on the other hand, seem to do okay.

Ernie, Long time ready, trying to find items "worthy" of Ernie to help "pay it back". Came across this image. Outstanding in my book. Thought you would enjoy. John

Jenna LaRue has been modeling for six years. Her modeling experience includes: Miller Lite model, Crown Royal model, promotional modeling, calendars, car shows, ring girl, TV shows, commercials, print work, hair shows, hair magazines, model search winner, NASCAR, fitness modeling, fashion shows, website modeling and videos. When she's not modeling, Jenna teaches aerobics and works as a personal trainer, plus she has her own business.

tilt shift photopgraphy is still so cool.

dearest wife, this is what i want for fathers day.

the last four minutes of air france flight 447 (bottom).

March 2, 2010

Long Live Tony Gilfillan.

Many moons ago, yours truly worked for a company called Frederick Computers Plus. I think I mentioned that before in fact, as it was my first civilian job after I separated from the Air Force. Yeah, so it's been awhile. But one person there left a lifelong impression on me; he was known as The Hammer. He acquired this nickname not through being all nice and cuddly, nor from the fact that he could drive a golfball some 300 yards. No, Tony earned this moniker by coming down on you like a ton of fucking bricks whenever you fucked up. Now I don't want to give you the impression that Tony was unfair; if he hammered you, you damned well deserved it. But Tony wasn't much in the way of positive reinforcement, either. When you did your job well, it wasn't too often that you'd receive a phone call from The Hammer saying, "Hey nice job." Because Tony's point of view was quite simple -- it's your responsibility to do your fucking job right to begin with. But boy if you fucked up one of your cases? You could count the seconds until he was all over you like an angry gorilla. He once called me an hour after my shift ended and chewed my ass so bad, I had to pull my truck over to focus on the shit that was coming out of his mouth. And if you reallyfucked up? He'd think nothing of flying your ass down to Philadelphia so he could chew you ass in person.

At first, I absolutely loathed interaction with Tony, as did everyone else I worked with. The fact that he was Silent Tony when you did something right and Loud Tony when you did something wrong, seemed utterly unfair. But as time wore on, The Hammer's message became as clear as the little catch phrase he always used in our monthly meetings: Do the right thing first the right time. And as my first paycheck gave way to my fourth and then to my fiftieth, I discovered if you actually paid attention to his mantra and honestly did your best to live up to it, you rarely if ever ran afoul of Tony. There was a direct an unwavering relationship between less than perfect performance and getting your ass chewed. It taught me perhaps the most important lesson in the world of customer service: taking ownership of a problem. Only recently have I come to appreciate the Tony Gilfillans of the world and the role they play in keeping things running smoothly.

How many times have you called the [cable company|cell phone company|car dealer|electric company|vehicle registry] and very quickly come to the realization that the person on the other end of the phone doesn't give one royal shit about your problem? In fact their sole purpose is to get you off the telephone as quickly as possible: either by transferring you to someone else or saying, "Sorry there's nothing I can do." It's like that's their goal. Not to help, but to hinder. That's happened a lot to me lately and I couldn't help but think to myself, "This shit wouldn't happen with Tony in charge."

For starters, six weeks ago I picked up a used car a local dealer, and renewing the existing registration in the process. Here we are a month and a half later, when I suddenly realized I hadn't received the new title or 2010 registration sticker yet. As we've crossed into March, my existing plate is now expired so I called the DMW so see what's the story. "We have no record of you owning the new car, still see you as owning the old car." Huh, okay, call the dealer. "Yeah turns out there's a problem with the title. Former owner requested a duplicate title from California, which was issued after they initiated the transfer to Florida, so we're trying to get that straightened out." Well how long has this been going on? "Two weeks." So for the last two weeks I've been driving around on an unregistered car; something the dealer knew about but didn't alert me to. Their reasoning? "We were waiting for you to call us." Now if Tony were in charge, he would have dragged that person out into the parking lot and set them on fire. Twice. In the meantime, I've got a temporary tag until they get their shit straight, but I think this is going to turn into a tremendous pain in the ass either way.

A year and a half ago I cancelled my cable television to take advantage of a newer, less expensive package deal. When I closed the original account out, Comcast insisted there was a balance due of $7.73, and me not wanting to get into a pissing match over seven bucks, called to pay it over the phone. Which is a tremendously difficult task by the way, as Comcast charges you $4.00 for the privilege of making a payment over the phone. But the customer service representative was kind enough to waive that fee on a one time basis, thus I paid the $7.73 and the account was settled at $0.00. Or so I thought. Because ever since then whenever I log in online to pay my new bill, I see two accounts: one active (new) and one inactive (old). The old one having a credit balance of $11.73. I've never really paid any attention to it, I mean who cares, it's ten bucks. But recently I've tried to watch The Wire via Fancast and due to a billing quirk -- my television being residential class and my internet being business class -- I'm unable to watch HBO shows over Fancast even though I'm a recognized HBO subscriber. Now the dozen phonecalls I made to Comcast trying to get someone to take ownership over that problem is worthy of a novel itself, so I'm not going to get into that now. But suffice to say I finally said, "Won't let me watch The Wire online, fuck you I want my eleven bucks back."

And so I called Comcast this morning, provided them with the old account number and inquired as how to get my $11.73 credit balance refunded to me. Joanie on the other line assured me that in fact I did not have a $11.73 credit balance, but I owed them $4.00. I snorted. I explained to Joanie that I was looking at live stats of my account and have a $11.73 credit balance. Joanie retorted that she "doesn't deal with the online stuff" but promised me there's a balance due of $4.00. Yet out of the kindness of her heart, Joanie gave me a one time credit for that amount, thus brought my final balance to $0.00. Again. And with gritted teeth and white knuckles, I thanked her for her generosity and said goodbye. I then logged online to check the status of my inactive account. I now have a $15.73 credit balance. Fuck me.

This just in... U.S. Olympian Lindsey Vonn was stripped of her gold medal this morning, and it was instead awarded to Barak Obama when it was determined he was going downhill faster than she was. Greg [Ernie: BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]

I like your site but was attacked twice today and my MacAfee saved the day, will have to avoid your site now. Rich. Spring TX

When you say, "I was attacked," I presume that you mean your computer, not you were jumped while leaving a crack house. Nice. Anyway, you and a few other people wrote in and since they were smart enough to explain which specific site was the problem, I was able to remove that specific link and alert the webmaster. See, information is power. but since you have no power Rich, I suggest you use Avast instead.

By the way, your next challenge is to take a journey to the outer reach of space without crashing into any of the geometric shapes in Tidal. Your mission is to use your powerful weapons to destroy the shapes before they destroy you! Hint: The triangle motherfuckers sneak up behind you. You have to beat my 4,392.

Exclusive photos of Shauna Sand in a see-thru bikini. On a private yacht. In Acapulco. With super busty lesbian porn star Taylor Wane. You're welcome.

Sheyla Hershey is a gorgeous woman from Texas. She has undergone eight surgeries to get her 34 FFF breasts but still wants them bigger. She has also won Brazil’s version of the "Guinness Book of World Records," and further wants to make it to the real one. Hershey, a 28 year old mother and housewife resides in Texas, and has two children. But in Texas, there is a limit on how much silicone can be injected into a person’s body. So, she will travel to Brazil to have them enlarged once again. God bless her.

the ten sexiest teachers to sleep with students.

March 1, 2010

I Am One Wild And Crazy Guy.

So I went and watched The Crazies this weekend, and eh, it wasn't bad at all. Not the most terrific movie I've ever seen, but certainly not the worst. I've been a Timothy Olyphant fan ever since he had the role of Seth Bullock on Deadwood, and he was the high water mark in Crazies. The resident hotbox was provided by Radha Mitchell who was eh, kind of bland, truth be told. But the setting for Crazies was Small Little Town, Iowa, so I guess a flash supermodel like Olga Kurylenko who costarred with Olyphant in Hitman, just wouldn't work.

But of all the recent dystopic movies that have been out lately, Crazies is probably the most realistic. Or at least it sticks closely to how I would imagine an apocalyptic scenario playing out. They also frequently stray from the other preconceived notions that seem to dominate other movies. For example, it's not too long after shit starts to go sideways that the townsfolks start suspecting something is genuinely wrong; fifteen minutes into Crazies and they dispense with any, "Oh he's just not feeling like himself," bullshit; something that lets some underlying infection spread in other flicks. And another welcome facet was the government's role in the infection -- damned be the quarantine, government troops shoot every motherfucker they see. Infected? They shoot you. Not infected? They shoot you. Crossing the road? They shoot you. Helping your mom? They shoot you. So knowing that Big Brother couldn't help you was a pretty ominous touch.

The only two real problems I had with Crazies were one, boy the government sure can get their hands on a lot of tire boots when they want to. And two, some inconsistencies in regards to the abilities/memories of the infected. Some Crazies are rendered stupefied and vacant after committing their random acts of violence, while others seem quite capable of carrying on blood feuds from the beginning of the film. Overlook those two tidbits -- both of which were necessary evils to further the plot, I guess -- and it's a pretty good flick. Even if a few scenes did make me think I was watching a live action Left 4 Dead movie. Either way, it'll certainly make you want to stock up on shotgun shells.

As a side not, there's an alternate Hitman ending with Olga's character getting shot to death, and thus setting the stage for Hitman II. Me thinks they abandoned that because of the Eva Green story line in Casino Royale/Quantum of Solace.

If you are at all squeamish then perhaps it would be safer for you to proceed no further. Be warned ­ the Phuket Vegetarian Festival is nnot for the faint hearted. Every year the island in Southern Thailand attracts thousands to witness the unusual ­ not to mention painful ­ religious rites performed there. Best regards, RJ

And here's what Easy-Mac instructions look like under the influence of various drugs. That's almost as fucked up as counting one, two, ...three?

how to have sex almost anywhere -- especially in public.

ever dreamed of flying an sr-71 blackbird? here's the entire flight manual.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

... more ...


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