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June 30, 2010

The Second Officer Kind Of Looks Like My Cousin Todd.

I know it made the national news and so everyone is aware of it, but since it's somewhat local down here the Tampa officers shooting is getting a lot of attention. Yesterday cops nailed the chick who was driving and then last night -- much to the shock of pretty much everyne -- they let her go. There were some pretty pissed off people down here in Florida, let me tell you. But in a press conference following her release, the Tampa Police Chief essentially asked the public to trust her on this one. And so, okay, we'll rest easy and see how this turns out. But I suspect this male fugitive is going to suffer the same fate as Angilo Freeland did a few years back. Yeah, Florida cops don't play.

And as a side note, I do find it absolutely shitty timing that this asshole decides to shoot two cops the day after the Supreme Court overturned Chiacago's ban on handguns. I hope the cops shoot this asshole a few extra times just for making handgun owners look stupid.

Hey man, Read through your postings today regarding the DISCLOSURE act, etc - in the 1st screen cap you posted, Marie responded with "it's a mute point". That alone should have told you everything you needed to know. Moot is not mute. Your point was not mimed, nor have you lost your ability to speak for having made it. I'm not sure when this bastardization of the English language became prevelant, and I hate seemingly like a jackass by correcting it, but it's just that bad. In any case, keep up the good fight man. Against the dumb, it's an uphill battle. Btw, go supreme court! A little disturbing that it was a 5-4 decision. This tells me there are 4 supreme court justices that have neither read, nor comprehend the Constitution. A frightening thought that anyone at that level would not grasp the significance of the 2nd amendment and the impact it had on our founding father's. One would think that by virtue of being so high on the list as 2nd, it would be kind of important. And the language used in the 2nd amendment really kinda spells it all out, huh? I like Benjamin Franklin's take on the difference between Democracy & Liberty: "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the vote." Cheers, Scott

Awesome quote buuuuut.... Jefferson didn't say it... James Bovard did. Heh.

I could understand some states have reservations about allowing their citizens to carry concealed when out in public. I don't agree; but I understand the rationale. I can understand some states have reservations about allowing their citizens to carry openly when out in public. Again I don't agree; but I understand the rationale. But I never understood any state or municipality barring law abiding citizens to own handguns to defend their homes. I mean it may sound good on paper, but it's batshit crazy when applied to real life. So long as they were kept in the home, there's no difference between a handgun and a shotgun. So yes, thank goodness it's been overturned and now there is sunshine and lolipops falling from the skies. if I had to make an educated guess as to the reasoning behind the four diussenting votes, I would imagine it to be this: The Constitution bars the Federal government from prohibiting firearms, it doesn't bar local or state governments from prohibiting them. Again, sounds reasonable on paper but apply that same logic to other cornerstone Amendments: women and blacks can vote in Federal elections, but they can't vote locally. Or imaging if your local Mayor reported that newspapers are free to print any story they want regarding national politics, but if you publish a story thats disparaging to his administration, you would be arrested. Not so funny now, are you Batman?

And to any knucklehead who says we have more gun rights now under Obama than we did under Bush, I say you're a fucking idiot. Look I like the guy, and no I don't think he's out to grab all my guns, but let's be honest: Obama didn't have any bigger hand in this decision than you or I did. Overturning Chicago's handgun ban was a Judicial decision, not an Executive one.

Hi Ernie - I thought you might find this of interest in the "Not safe for lunch" pile. The written part was a real mess. I tried to clean it up but feel free to rewrite as needed. Cheers, Mike [Please take 2 minutes to look at this. We have a shredder in our office and many of you have them at home. Some lessons learned here. Most employees think that there are very few hazards in an office environment. WRONG! There are many, the normal paper shredder being one that we find in the majority our offices today. Please understand and be aware that this is an extremely dangerous piece of equipment that can cause serious injury to a person's fingers if people operating it do not understand the hazards associated with it. Below is a lesson learned accident involving a paper shredder. Paper shredder accidents can occurs everywhere, even at the office. This picture is of a hand that accidentally got caught inside an office paper shredder. The person tried to take out the paper that was stuck in the shredder and her fingers were caught and pulled inside. Lesson learned.]

Old and busted: Paraguan fan Larissa Riquelme. The new hotness: Argentinian fan Dorismar Noemi Kerchen.

Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag, of the hit reality MTV show The Hills, first fell out about a boy. When Heidi started dating Spencer Pratt, her best friend did not approve. The girls argued, Heidi moved in with Spencer, and the girls argued some more. When rumors circulated that Lauren had made a sex tape with her ex boyfriend, she blamed Heidi and Spencer for starting the rumour. The couple deny any wrongdoing, and the girls continue to call each other names. The cattiest of catfights.

And before I go, what the fuck is this red ball?

star wars nerds - rare 1980 "empire hotline" recordings discovered.

everything you need to know about lasik, inclusing cool eye surgery video.

the smartest porn stars of all time and freakishly long-tongued girls.

June 28, 2010





Hey Ernie, I've got an Special Forces buddy who is trying to bring home a dog he adopted in Afghanistan. Knowing your soft spot for dogs and your support of our military I was wondering if you knew of any programs that help soldiers like my friend. It seems like you had some information on your site a while ago about this topic, but I can't find it. And google only returns which is no longer in operation. Thanks in advance for any help you can provide! Sincerely, Scott







June 27, 2010


I'll never forget the look on Mosher's face as we sat there in tech school, five hundred years ago. "Do while more electricity?" Mosher asked while staring down at his printout, his midwestern drawl stretching out each vowel. "Now how the helllll did I do that?"

We were in week 5 or 6 of our 13 week tech school and Mosher had just taken a printout of his programming assignment up to one of our instructors, asking help. The instructor was a Technical Sergeant, not very tall and wore a neatly trimmed mustache, but fuck all if I can remember his name. Anyway after a few minutes of looking over Mosher's code, the instructor declared, "Look right here... you have a Do-While-More Electricity loop." Quiet grins spread around the room as the rest of us enjoyed the instructor's subtle jest. Mosher had just programmed in an infinite loop; which basically boils down to [10 Print 'Fuck'] and then [20 GOTO 10]. But for some reason the joke was lost on Mosher and instead he sat staring down at the printout, his eyes searching for the word 'electricity'. It wasn't until he got back to his seat that his eyes went wide and the corners of his mouth curled up in a grin.

We went on to graduate from technical school and move on to other things, but that "Do-While-More Electricity" joke always stuck with me. It's been a long time since I've thought about that afternoon, and it wasn't until this past weekend that I recalled it in such vivid detail. Probably because I relived that exchange, only I was the instructor this time. Allow me to both explain and preemptively apologize for breaking my 'no politics on EHOWA' rule.

A few months ago a Supreme Court decision ruled to remove restrictions on corporate spending on political campaigns. Previously there was a cap -- I don't know what it was and it's not important -- but the SCOTUS said that putting limitations on corporate spending is an infringement on their First Amendment rights. And thus with a 5-4 ruling, corporations (to include actual corporations, non-profits, special interest groups, etc) were given free reign to spend however much they liked come November. This drew much ire from the Democratic party, who wanted to see the caps in place. Their response to this ruling was the recently passed DISCLOSURE Act -- which on a quick tangent -- when did it become en vogue to name a bill in such a maner that it would have a catchy acronym? Anyway, this bill more or less says, if you've been given the green light to spend as much as you'd like on political ads that's fine, but at the end of such ads you have to say who's paid for it. Thus if Pork Bellies Company wants to run a political ad telling the world why orange juice futures suck and they should vote for Randolph Duke in the Senate, they have to end that ad with the CEO of the Pork Bellies Company declaring, "This political ad paid for by the Pork Bellies Company."

Now setting political views aside, this just makes good sense to me. I understand it's not a perfect law -- there are a few loopholes which can be exploited -- but one can dream up a 'what if' scenario to make almost any law look ridiculous. But to me, the spirit of the law strikes me as being fair: if you're going to try and influence my vote you at least have to tell me who you are. Makes sense, I suppose. But, I'd like to think I'm an open minded dude and as I am not intimately familiar with the DISCLOSURE Act as some other people are, I'm allowing for the possibility that there's more to it that I don't readily see. This all comes into play when a friend of mine posted this link on his Facebook page. Now what first caught my attention is the verbiage: "Democrats voted 219-206," "a stunning act of treason," and "murder of the 1st Amendment rights." I mean treason? And murder? Really? And honestly, I'm pretty sure there aren't 425 Democrats in the House of Congress, and so I asked...

The site that she linked to by the way is here, and it seems that more or less, Congress voted down partisan lines. Not all that unexpected since it was Democrat sponsored bill, but it aptly explains why the author singles out Democrats as having committed acts of treason and murder. Now again as I'm not intimately familiar with DISCLOSURE, I decided to do a little Google search and see if I could expand my understanding of the bill. And for the most part, it seems my initial perception seemed to be reasonably accurate, so I put out there...

The point -- the emphasized point -- no less, "there are criminal provisions in this bill which include jail for expressing political views," struck me as being pretty extreme. I express my political view, I go to jail? That's not what I've been gathering from the information I've been reading on DISCLOSURE... me thinks that perhaps she was over simplifying things. Kind of when someone writes in and says, "I can't see that link you posted today." -- exactly what the fuck does, "I can't see" mean? Is your computer turned on? Are your eyed closed? Are you getting a Java error? What? But as Marie obviously has some major heartburn with DISCLOSURE, I provided Marie with a rather exaggerated example, hoping that she would correct me and clarify whatever point she was trying to make...

Okay, what the fuck just happened there? The answer I was expecting was something to the effect of, "no, that's silly. But if you were to _________ and ________ and not _______ with the _______, then you could face criminal charges." Instead I got some kneejerk reason comparing my one legged manatees to the Westboro Baptist Church. Obviously, my fictional example wasn't the right way to approach this, and I have thrown Marie off her game. My fault; so let's see if we can't get things reeled back in here...

The links she provided are here and here. I am still unsure what she meant by not being shocked she couldn't open the second link. Was she suggesting it was it unavailable because it was so suddenly quite popular, or was this a conspiracy to keep her from viewing the truth? I dunno. But the distinct impression I got from her response was, "I really don't know how the fuck the bill criminalizes free speech, I'm just telling you what I heard." I found this disturbing because I would imagine someone who was so vocal in her opposition to a particular bill would be more intimately familiar with it and thus would be able to explain it to me, an admittedly ignorant asshole. So I pressed her a little further...

Okay, now I see Marie's objections: she has incredibly high standards. Which isn't a bad thing, although perhaps a little naive. To reiterate my previous point, I'm a firm believer that there's absolutely no such thing as the perfect law. And that's not to suggest that we should tolerate violations upon the Constitution; I'm only asking for her (or any of the other 1,500 people reading that thread) to explain to me why DISCLOSURE was a violations of the Constitution. It's at this point where I began to feel like that "Do-While-More-Electricity" loop joke was coming into play. "This fucking bill is bullshit!" -> "Why is it bullshit?" -> "Because they told me so!" -> "Why did they say that?" -> "Because this bill is bullshit!" -> "Why is it bullshit?" -> "Because they told me so!" I'll admit, here's where I decided to get a little crafty and see if I couldn't paint Marie into a corner...

And here's where I have to offer that no-politics apology. As effective and well intended as they are, DUI roadblocks really are unconstitutional. I'm sure Marie's not the only one who feels, "[I] have no problem whatsoever being stopped to prove to officers that I am not impaired." Well, personally, I do. And it's not because I drive drunk -- I don't -- I just don't think le Policia should be able to indiscriminately stop a hundred law abiding drivers in the hopes of catching one drunk. But that's me, your mileage may vary. The Arizona thing we'll touch upon in a second. And I'd like to make a small point here. One can not use examples or draw parallels when talking with Marie. Because if you do, she assumes you're changing the subject. I guess this is what Adult Attention Deficit Disorder is like. Oh hey donuts...

See? I'm trying to make a comparison between the constitutionality of one law that she supports and one law that she doesn't? And she thinks I want to talk about the other law. Again, what's racing through my head? "This fucking bill is bullshit!" -> "Why is it bullshit?" -> "Because they told me so!" -> "Why did they say that?" -> "Because this bill is bullshit!" -> "Why is it bullshit?" -> "Because they told me so!" I've tried everything from excruciatingly simply 'what if' examples to real life 'as compared to this law' examples... I just can't get through to her. I'm half tempted to bring up drunk one legged manatees in Arizona, but I'm pretty sure I'd make her fucking head explode. But wait, we're not done...

Okay stop. As soon as I see 'activist judges' in her argument, a red flag goes up. Marie has no opinions of her own, she's just regurgitating what she sees on television. The reason why she can't stay on topic is because she's used to seeing so many commercials... I have no doubt her house is filled with Ronco rotisserie ovens, Slap Chops, packages of Enzyte and tubes of Magic Putty. She is a "Because they told me so!" person. At this point, further debate would be pointless as I have no more chance of arguing with her as I would my cable box. And while Shawn -- a wicked smart guy -- raises some valid points to which I would like to debate, that's a horse to ride another day. For Christ's sakes, all I'm trying to do is get some fucking answers. Am I missing something about DISCLOSURE or not? Somebody edjumacate me.

Ernie, I'm a little behind on things, but when I went to try and go to the Wired Maniac 2 game you linked from Friday, I received a warning about it being an attack site. I've attached a screen shot. I've noticed that you haven't linked to perved or proving-grounds recently - smart move and they have all sorts of things creeping around the ads. Peace and keep up the good work! Okay, last week's game challenge got fucked up. oskiller

So unlike Marie, Oskiller was able to provide me with the information that I needed and allowed me to immediately pull the offending link down and alert the owning webmaster that some ads on his site were spreading malware. Over the weekend I worked with Oneil (the guy who runs and we were able to identify and remove the offending ad. He then straightened himself out with Google and viola, the site is now clean and unblocked. And so I present to you again -- Wired Maniac 2. And yes as pointed out, there are two sites that I no longer link to -- I attempted to contact those webmasters the same as I did here and after having received no response or remedy, I no longer send them any traffic. That's how I roll.

Hey Ernie, I've been reading your site for several years now but never posted until now. I just couldn't resist this one. I live in Nashville, and I went to the local mall today to return some shorts. While I was there, I decided to go into a "home" store. While I was in there, I stumbled across this masterpiece. I was confused, mesmerized, and laughing uncontrollably all at the same time. I think it speaks for itself. Feel free to spin it any way you want. Also, BIG HIGH FIVE on the work you do for animals (the picture of that seal the other day kind of got to me) and our troops. Keep up the good work. Steve

I see the Prez ...and... Usher? ... Lil Wayne? ... Chris Brown? ... and Jay Z? Yes? No? I can't tell for sure, I still haven't sobered up yet.

Here's a video of an AR-15 being shot underwater... round goes 4 ft and stops. I suspect the .45 round wouldn't go far at all, considering its shape. mark

Old and busted: infinity edge pool facing a small retention pond in Southwest Florida. The new hotness: infinity edge pool on the 55th floor of the Marina Bay Sands hotel in Downtown Singapore.

British Petroleum set off an unprecedented ecological disaster, bungled it and then their commander appeared on TV to exposit exactly what it is they're doing: that's not an industrial accident, that's a COBRA scheme running backwards and escaped into the real world. At least Cobra Commander could read his To Do list the right side up.

Not exactly sure what this is but it's from Fantasy Fest in Key West a couple years ago. Don.

"California Girls" is a song written by Brian Wilson and Mike Love and recorded by The Beach Boys in 1965. It features contrasting verse-chorus form. The song was released as a single, reaching #3 on the Billboard Hot 100. It also appeared on the album Summer Days (And Summer Nights!!). It is one of The Beach Boys' most famous songs and has been included on countless greatest hits compilations. "California Girls" was covered by David Lee Roth on his 1985 EP Crazy from the Heat, and like the original it topped at #3 on the Billboard Hot 100. California Girls has been also heard in the pre-title sequence of the James Bond movie (starring Roger Moore) , A View to a Kill in 1985. This song can be heard at the beginning of Rush Hour 2 where main characters Lee and Carter sing along to the song as it plays on the radio.

special agent leroy jethro gibbs. these are his rules.

hunter shoots at leopard. hunter misses. leopard gets angry. WARNING: graphic.

June 26, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

i'm sorry, who do you play for again?

women claim record for longest cinematic kiss.

another emma watson fake. nicely done, too. nsfw.

englandfan - newvideocard - sexymarinebabe - twobestthingsever

June 25, 2010

And Now To Work On My Tan.

So overall the general consensus is that yes, I can safely fire a hangun straight down into my pool without (a) posing a health hazard or (b) harming my pool. In fact, I've recently received information that I should be fine with just 4' of water, well shy of the 6' that currently covers my main drain. Not that I'm in any real hurry to try it -- who the fuck am I kidding, yes I am -- so I dunno maybe if the 4th of July gets a little loud and I can camouflage the sound of gunfire amongst the fireworks. But, seeing how I happen to live in the middle of a clusterfuck, don't get your hopes up.

A special thanks to everyone who pointed me towards The Box-O-Truth, but alas I've seen it before, even featuring one of their original experiments here on EHOWA.

When young Michael Andrew Fox tried to register at the Screen Actor's Guild as Michael Fox, he found out someone had beaten him to it by about 30 years. There was a prolific veteran actor of the same name, with hundreds of film and TV roles under his belt. The Guild doesn't allow duplicates, to avoid confusion between actors. So, the future Marty McFly stuck the letter "J" in there. But the other Michael Fox guy? He debuted in the mid-50s, in the same era Back to the Future is set. In other words, if there hadn't been a Michael Fox in the 50s, Michael J. Fox wouldn't exist -- which is exactly like the plot of the first movie. Fucked up, eh?

Ernie, Read your post about whether or not a JHP would stop in a 60" pool. Mine is only 48" and it will. Incidentally, my house is about to be foreclosed on because of my pending divorce so I took the liberty of testing a few other gun questions. A .40 JHP will penetrate a kitchen cabinet and 2x6 exterior wall. It will also penetrate 4x4 porch posts causing significant damage. Five rounds were fired into my truck bed with all but one penetrating. The wall has already had it's repairs started. I love living in the country. No neighbors. Bobby Hope this helps. Bobby.

Somehow, I'm guessing this girl is South American. Next, some pics from Dr. Marc, who not only helps us out each year at LBEH time, but is the proud new owner of the Capitol flag...

Ernie, I was just sifting through some of my pics from work and thought a few were interesting. Use them as you like. You’ll be hearing from me come LBEH time. As always, you are too cool. Marc

I could never, ever, ever, ever ever ever ever be an orthopedic surgeon. Why? The bones man, they creep me out. I can watch surgery on soft tissue until the fucking cows come home. But show me one snapped bone -- or even worse, a nose job where they smack that mallet -- and I'm fucking out of there man.

Love your site man, long time reader, Just wondering, did some black guy piss you off or something because if they did I apologize for the whole race. Now can we get back to just showing tits and ass, and a few good articles. Dorian

Nah, just ran into a couple black jokes all at once. Hated to blow them both in the same post, but I was a little shy of material that day. But dont fret, this just came in.

But like I said, after some trigger time I'm going to catch a little sun this afternoon. But first I need to find my phone, and my sunglasses case, and my favorite beer koozie. Dammit, has anyone seem my green beer koozie?

drugs you can legally grow indoors and cars that got better with age.

is it better to buy or rent a home? let's run the numbers.

kristen stewart and scout taylor-compton rock their little black dresses.

June 24, 2010

And Now For Your Viewing Pleasure.

And in my occasional latest cyber-stalking escapade, this article caught my attention. Pay particular attention to the flagrant disregard to rule #1 when dealing with Le Policia -- keep your big mouth shut -- "Russek stated drugs are prevalent at Babes and that she had forgotten about the pills and that the needle was given to her from someone at work so that she could use again. She told police she is often given pills at work in exchange for dances and that she still shoots up pills with needles but not as often as she used to. Russek said she now usually snorts pills so that the track marks don’t show at work and that she needs the pills to be able to do her job." Ouch. I know someone who isn't going to be very popular at work anytime soon. And as always if you do get busted for drugs, might I be so bold as to offer some advice? It's best to set the privacy settings a little higher on your Myspace profile page, aptly titled "ILOVEMARYJANE" so the police can't see photos of you using drugs and felons posing with handguns. I'm just sayin. Lots of extremely poor firearm safety and lots of homemade tattoos, in case you're wondering.

On a side note, I ventured into Babes once. Once. And I'll never do that again. I've been to some seedy ass strip clubs in my day but let me tell you... I can describe Babes in two words.

Heya Ern, here's some more stuff from the Emerald Isle... This vid was taken by the Coast Guard Military Police in CG housing the other night. He just looks like a bigass dog until you realize that his back is as tall as the hoods of the SUVs that he's running past. He's still running around out there somewhere, just another day on the rock. FastFwd to a minute in, that's where Yogi shows up. Take Care, Chief Gus, CGAS Kodiak

Zombie Central - here you go! everything you wanted to know. they coud probably use your expertise also. tommy

You know, just because I love zomies so much, I'm not going to go all Grammar Nazi on your ass.

Old and busted: Well, not really old and busted since it's still cool to play but remember Territory War? And at the end you fight Chuck Norris? I always wanted the author to come out with a sequel and he finally did -- the new hotness. And the best part? You can play online against other people. The controls have changed a bit, so as stupid as it sounds, take a minute to read the instructions and then look for me "ErnieEHOWA" so I can grenade the living shit out of you. But as awesome as it is, it's still not as cool as Doom with a vuvuzela mod.

At first this video gave me a lot of hope. But then fuck me, it turned out to be a clever ad for Gillette. Dammit.

missing missy - a shannon production.

youtube adds vuvuzela button; apocalypse looms.

ferrari 360 owner takes hello kitty love to nauseating extremes.

June 23, 2010

I Have A Gun Question.

And no it's not, "Can the Twilight Saga Stop A Bullet" -- that's already been answered. And no it's not, "Why don't a bunch of gun enthusiasts have a better appreciation for Tarantino movies?" -- although I am wondering that myself. And on a side point, the chick I'm playing this out with, is the chick who owned my Dodge Ram for sixteen months back in the 1999/2000 era. Time flies, eh? Anyway, we're not even halfway through that scene and I'm already giggling like a little school girl at the heated responses I'm getting from people who misinterpret what's going on. "Don't tell us how to live," made me want to wrap myself up in the American flag, climb on my desk and sing God Bless America to my Facebook page. Shit, if I had known Facebook could be this much fun, I'd have joined years ago.

My question is quite simply this: My pool is six feet deep. If I were to shoot a jacketed hollow point straight down into it -- not at an angle, but straight down -- would I be able to recover the perfectly mushroomed bullet resting peacefully at the bottom, or would it have enough grunt to carry all the way down and risk damaging my pool? I remember watching a Mythbusters episode on something of this, and seem to recall something to the effect of contrary to what Hollywood shows us in the movies, most bullets expend their energy within the first few feet of water. I tried to find it on Youtube but all I could find was the .50 cal portion of that episode. But again, they were using full metal jacket rounds and since most hollow points are designed to penetrate only about 12-14", I would imagine that 60" of water would be enough to slow a mushroomed slug down to no more than a gravity fed sink?

And not that I would actually consider doing this. It's just something I've wondered about on occasion, so I figured I'd ping some folks for their input. I can't imagine standing over my pool like a fucking sociopath, firing a handgun during broad daylight, and not having my neighbors call the cops. But if I thought I could get away with it? Yeah, I would soooo do it.

In regards to what language -- might be Georgian. George (ex-US Navy Russian linguist)

Ernie, The link you posted on the bus overturning looks to be Georgian. Here is a link to their alphabet, which looks to be the one used in the video. Spencer

Yep, that's it. Definitely Georgian. I'm as sure of that as I am that this guy is Israeli. That reminds me of an old joke: What's the difference between a motorcycle and a baby? You can show your parents a black motorcycle, hahahahahaha! Yeah I know, my timing could be better so you had to grunt your way through that one like Michelle Larcher de Brito.

Old and busted: the worst calls in World Cup history. The new hotness: the worst haircuts in World Cup history.

the naked cowboy takes legal action against the naked cowgirl.

your guide to easter eggs in toy story 3 and the top ten celebrity bikini bodies.

eight year old girl makes prank call about demolishing her school. here in the us? arrested.

June 22, 2010

Brought To You By The Letters F and U.

I hate to say this because I love Bruce Campbell and I love Burn Notice but this is pretty spot on. Mmmm, mojitos!

I'm totally with the guys from Egotastic when they say that Miley Cyrus knows exactly what she's doing. But what I can't understand is how easily her father is just whoring her out there! I mean no fuckin shame, man. And can you imagine the number of pussy pics that are going to hit the net after she turns eighteen? Then she can be D'Artagnan!

Before gaining nationwide fame playing the lead role of Mikaela Banes on the Transformers motion picture, Megan Fox was a former Eagles cheerleader. No, not the Philadelphia Eagles but Morningside Academy Upper School Eagles in Florida.

Brunette girlfriend + empty bottle of Crown Royal + fat boyfriend + screwdriver ... wait, I'm not done yet... + cup of melted butter + loose banister + some futile pillows + water + flour = one funny fucking prank. And painful.

This walk-in refrigerator at The White House is huge! Rocky.

Ernie, Been enjoying your site for years but have never written to you. Just wanted to let you know about a link you posted that got me in trouble, How Secure Is My Password? I thought it would be cool to see how secure my passwords were, evidently they're not secure at all anymore. Someone got my passwords, hacked my computer and sent money to themselves from my bank account. I lost $204.99 to Alberto Lopez Ezero in Mexico via a company called Xoom that does international money transfers. My wife will be researching this in depth (she's more savvy than I) to find this guy and get our money back. Already did a stop payment and filed a claim as well as changed all our passwords of course. Bart

Hmmm. While it sucks that you've gotten some money boosted, I'm not entirely sure that is the culprit. If for no other reason, if it were true the internet would be fucking slathered with articles about it. That site is linked from about 1,500 other sites, that if it were a phishing site you'd probably be victim number 284,872,494 and there would be alerts on it posted everywhere. See Google searches on: is a phishing site and phishing. You'd have people Tweeting about it, and posting on Facebook and a big fat Snopes article. Then consider that even if I have one of your passwords, I still don't know where to use it: is it your Youtube password or your Paypal password or your porn site password or your bank password -- and even then, I don't know where you do your banking. Now having said that, stranger things have happened so I suppose it is within the realm of possibility. I'd be interested to see what you find out. I've been the victim of identity theft before and I need another bout of that like this girl needs a paintball gun. And this girl needs a paintball gun like this guy needs a hole in the head.

Here are ten ways to embarrass the groom during your best man speech... without upsetting his new wife.

Ernie, Found this today… It’s color video footage found after sitting for 60 years. It’s video taken of VJ day in Honolulu. Here’s the description: "Richard Sullivan posted this lovely color footage from August 14, 1945. 65 Years Ago my Dad shot this film along Kalakaua Ave. in Waikiki capturing spontaneous celebrations that broke out upon first hearing news of the Japanese surrender. Kodachrome 16mm film: God Bless Kodachrome, right?" -- Bill.

We've all seen the vids of insurgents getting blown up by a hellfire missile, but here are some pictures of the aftermath from a hellfire missile strike in Afghanistan. Warning: you're going to want beans and coleslaw. Also, DO NOT CLICK THIS if you like seals.

What's more awesome... this guy almosty getting crushed when they turn over a bus, or the super hot news anchor who openly laughs at him. What language was that, by the way? It sounded kind of Slavic but the writing looked all squiggley like Arabic or Hebrew.

richard branson know how to celebrate in style, and in great company.

only known photographs of french resistance fighters facing nazi firing squad.

June 21, 2010

What Doesn't Burn You Makes You Stronger?

So a friend of mine has always had a difficult time attracting guys, so of course she wants to press the Easy button and get some plastic surgery. Now for the most part, I'm generally against plastic surgery -- hell if I wasn't I'd have had the eternal bags under my eyes taken care of by now. But at the same time, I can recognize that sometimes nature just deals you a bad hand, and some people have facial features that can't be hidden by the best blush or the rosiest lipstick. Yeah, she kinds falls into the latter category -- here's a picture of her before she went under the knife. Now she's a very sweet girl, has a huge heart, is super smart but.. you know. So she and I talked it over, weighed the pro's and con's and well, anyway here she is six months later after having some surgery that I recommended... what do you think? She looks tons better, right?

Evil Ernie is a fictional character, an undead, psychotic killer with his own series, published by Chaos! Comics and Devil's Due Publishing. Ernest Fairchild is the root or core of Evil Ernie. Ernie originally had an enjoyable life, but things started to turn sour when his father became the town pariah when his superiors at the local lumber yard forced him to lay off many workers. Mr. Fairchild began to drink heavily and killed Ernest's pet rat, Smiley, in an inebriated fit of anger. This enraged Ernest and led to him drawing a picture of a car crashing into a tree. It just so happened that his mother was driving over to a local bar to pick up her husband while he was drawing this and ended up crashing into a tree just like in Ernest's sketch. Ernest's parents sought to "cure" him of his abilities and brought him to Dr. Leonard Price, who had been working on a behavioral therapy device dubbed the Dream Probe. Price, not knowing about the abuse Ernest was suffering, submitted him to his device, which sent him to the Endless Graveyard, where he met Lady Death. There, she offered to give him the love he so desperately desired if he killed everything on Earth. Once the treatment was over, Ernest pretended to be cured and went home with his parents, only to murder them the next morning along with thirty-five others before he was shot by Doctor Price, who had come to check in on him. I only mention this because Jake sent this picture in on Saturday.

We all know the unparalled dedication of Treki’s and Star Wars finatics but this Argentinian artist (not Mexican), Mark, may just have too much time on his hands. Check out this series of photos and back-strories from his point of view. Several are actually laugh out loud funny, but again, come on.

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." "Well," I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..."

Hi there, Some buddies and I created some content that you might like. It's all about high 5s...specifically over 130 video variations that border on batshitcrazy. Check out our website and iPhone app — if you like it and want to give it a mention, we'd be geeked. Thanks. Michael

Hey Ernie, The second I saw this pic I said OMFG!!! then thought of your site, my buddy decided to hop on a dirt bike after having a little whiskey...Enjoy! Les

They are thinking of closing all of the beaches on the gulf coast due to a very large tar ball washing ashore... Steve

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing. The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself. The first guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?" The second man shrugs, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him."

By the time you're 30, you'll be hit with the crushing truth of just how much the grownups didn't teach you when you were in school. And, while liberals and conservatives haggle over whether public schools need more funding or more lessons on the Ten Commandments, we think all can agree there are some very basic, useful things that our children really, really should know.

Uploaded to YouTube by emarie100 on June 18, 2010 with the following text: When the baby arrived at the Medishare Hospital in PAP, it was clear that she was septic and profoundly dehydrated. IV access was near impossible and her hemodynamics were tenuous, to say the least. Gently induced anesthesia and the surgeons prepped and draped the baby. it was an incredibly sad moment when I looked over the drape when the 2 surgeons opened this lovely baby’s arm – pus just poured out; her thigh was also filled with pus. Death seemed inevitable… And yet, there is such strength in Haiti, even among the youngest of children. This little love was extubated the following day and we found her nursing greedily in her Mama’s arms. Warning: NOT SAFE FOR LUNCH.

In today’s society, a great athlete has more than just an outstanding ability to play his or her game of choice. It takes a lot of composure — and sometimes lack thereof — for a star to be a star. Staying in the spotlight means doing as many memorable things as possible, and sometimes that entails making a scene to keep heads turned. Here are fifteen famous athletes who retired only to make a comeback. Kind of reminds me of an old joke, "How to you make Michael Jordan quit baseball? Kill his mother."

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

the top seven female celebrities with porn star doppelgängers.

beautiful and horrible: 25,000 barrels rendered in the unreal engine.

what happens when you auto-tune a vuvuzela? the final countdown happens.

good news: iphone 4 has started to ship. bad news: your order has been cancelled.

June 19, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Father's Day Weekend Joke Here.

all-time best (and worst) tv dads.

pistols are blazing - squeeze me shirt

this guy is a huge us team world cup fan.

crazydog - doyoulikepurple - ilovezoolander

2010 fifa world cup: creating the perfect wag.

megan fox is out and about and super hot in red.

katy perry legs, ass & cleavage show for vw launch.

evalongoriabendover - girlwithhairypussy - maliwikientry

June 18, 2010

I Don't Think That's What He Meant.

Obama says he will be making no more public speeches in South Carolina. Every time he gets up on stage to make a speech, some South Carolina cotton farmer starts bidding on him.

And just so we're clear, Larissa Riquelme is the Paraguay world cup soccer fan with a cellphone between her boobs. She is also a topless model. And here are some more World Cup hotties.

What's all the rage today? Representative Joe Barton sucking on some British cock. And it didn't take people long to react to this one, let me tell you. But don't worry, BP has already started maneuvering. Christ I haven't seen anything this depressing since the original ending of Army of Darkness. Man, we're all fuckin doomed.

Ernie, After a short time of mourning the loss of quite possibly one of the greatest websites ever I stumbled across what is either a competing site or the replacement site: Pervs like you and me can now continue to rate and guess exactly what these chick's beavers are like. Mike

Gee, here's a real surpise. Christina Hendricks went out in public, only this time she covered up her tits. And guess what? Just like I predicted, she looks fucking horrible. Oh and Hillary Clinton called, she wants her pants suit back.

Some organizations spend their entire history trying to convince the world they're badass. Nobody would dare mess with a bunch of Navy SEALs, for instance, and if your girlfriend says her dad is a member of the Hells Angels, you're going to watch your ass. But some of the most badass groups on the planet don't put nearly as much effort into maintaining that kind of reputation.

Greetings & Salutations Ernie. This is a train derailment that happened less than two miles from me as the crow flies. The officials determined that the cause of the accident was misaligned tracks. Unfortunately, a local man was killed during the cleanup by a falling crane. Thanx!!! Charlie

Is it me, or does this look like one of those REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT safety flags?

Final score in Death vs Monstars. Who won? Well, Robin did, duh! But which Robin? That would be Robin W who boosted his score to 103,500. Guess who gets promoted to Batman.

princess cut engagement set - $2,000.

well hooow-leee-sheyat. i tip of my hat to ford motor company.

June 17, 2010

Not So Fuckin Smart Now, Are Ya?

You know what the problem is with smartphones? In exchange for all these whiz bang applications that can do amazing shit like localized price checking from the scan of a UPC code to using GPS to find the fucking thing when you lose it; you give up functionality. Nothing is quick and easy anymore. Way back in the day of my LG8100, snapping a quick picture was a piece of cake. Sneak my thumb in between the clamshell to flip it open at the same time I press the camera button, press one button, and I'm done. it was so easy to do, I use to take pictures while riding the fucking roller coaster at Busch Gardens. Things got a little more complicated when I jumped to the Voyager, which I liked because of the advanced messaging features and took a little better photo (1.3 megapixel vs 2.0). And it took me a little while but after a few months I was almost as quick sending a photo with the Voyager as I was with the old flip phone.

And now we enter the third evolution of smartphones: My Motorola Droid. And let me tell you something... taking a picture with this is about as easy as curing cancer. Sure it takes a nice photo -- we're up to 5.0 megapixels now -- but long gone are the days of the quick push-flip-click photo sequence. Now it's fucking slide to unlock, hit and hold the camera button, wait while the camera software starts up, click button, wait for autofocus to happen, then maybe or maybe not you got the photo you wanted since the timing was all fucked up. Odds are you've got to take the fucking photo two or three more times to get one that's timed right and then you go to send it. Well Mr Ernie, how would you like to send it? We've got Bluetooth, we've got Gmail, we've got Facebook, we've got Picasa... and and of course the old standard messaging. So you pick one, and then pick an address. Well, the smart phone imported my entire address book from Gmail... you know that one that's got the entire fucking EHOWA mailinglist on it, so now finding who I want to send it to is a pain in the balls. So while I try to get that shit sorted out, needless to say things have been a little scarce on Erniecam.

On that note, I'm kind of glad I never got mixed up in the Apple iPhone craze, not that many others can say that. Despite being announced only ten days ago, Apple has taken over 600,000 preorders for the iPhone 4. Take that, Bill Gates.

Hey Ernie, Living just next to, and having to constantly drive through, a small community called Leisure World, or better known as Seizure World, in Laguna Woods, CA… this kind of driving is not unusual. We also have Little Saigon, just a few miles from us, on my way to my parent’s house. Not much safer there, either. Enjoy! Brad – Aliso Viejo, CA

Awwww, this poor ferret got crushed.

Perhaps best known for their sketch “The Front Fell Off,” John Clarke and Bryan Dawe have also tackled the mortgage crisis. Here they offer a lucid explanation of the Gulf oil spill tragedy. And taking a queue from Dominos Pizza, BP's new campaign is set to turnaround their love for baby otter smiles! It's this kind of shit that makes the internet so awesome.

Hey Ernie, it's me again! A friend sent me these from HQ (and by HQ I mean Head Quarters...jk). I don't have all the details, but I know this crew has something to be thankful for... enjoy. Skippy

This Japanese game show goes to the extreme, by testing how long a man can keep his eyes closed and off a hot model who is pushing her tits in his face.

five myths about gun control.

the top 20 sports women the maxim hot 100 forgot.

the freedom bridge spans the im jin river between north and south korea.

June 16, 2010

A Tale of Two Robins.

One of the benefits of having such a unique name as Ernie -- you know, something to balance getting my ass kicked as a kid -- is that whenever I shoot for a screen name, or submit my name somewhere, or even say meet someone for a second time and, "Hey do you remember me, my name is Erni- Sure I do, you're Ernie!" Yeah, Ernie is a pretty unique name. As is Robin. But as odds would have it this current game challenge is a dual between two Robins. First Robin B sent in their score of 69,525, which I was going to post as the winner. Until Robin W came along a few hours later with 86,560. I know, pretty trippy isn't it? So if you think you stand a chance at beating the two Robins, show me and the Monstars what you've got!

With the economy being in the shitter for the last three years, more than 10 million Americans moved from one county to another during 2008. This map visualizes those moves. Click on any county to see comings and goings: black lines indicate net inward movement, red lines net outward movement.

God dammit, how many times do I have to ask you to finish the ceiling?

And in the largest B-25 formation since World War II, B-25 Pacific Princess attends 68th Doolittle Reunion on April 27, 2010. B-25J 'Pacific Princess' and crew participates in the largest gathering of B-25's since WWII for the 68th Doolittle RaidersReunion held April 17th & 18th, 2010 at USAF Museum, Wright Field Dayton OH. 17 B-25's formed up for a fly-over the Doolittle Memorial ceremony. 8 Doolittle Raiders of the original 79 remain, 4 were able to attend the 2010 event. Air to Air shots filmed from the tail gunner seat of 'Pacific Princess', ship #2 in the 17 ship formation.

This lightning strike hit the base CO's house at Trumbo Point on Sat. 6-12-10. Greg

Ernie, Long time reader. These douche canoes thought it would be a good idea to beat a baby Alpaca to death with a board. Due to some public outcry and the nature of the crime they’re being tried as adults. Serves them right, obviously not all the gears are turning upstairs if you catch my drift. Later, Woody

I have to admit I'm a little conflicted because while I feel horrible the baby alpaca was killed, I have to admit I LOLd at the term douche canoes. So yes, hopefully these two douche canoes will be dressed up like little whores before being sent off to prison.

God dammit, who the hell left the fortune cookie on the sofa?

After a recent attempt to play the shortest game of Monopoly on record, people started to wonder about what the shortest THEORETICALLY POSSIBLE game of Monopoly would be. That is, if everything went just the right way, with just the right sequence of rolls, Chance and Community Chest cards, and so on, what is the quickest way one player could go bankrupt? After working on the problem for a while, we boiled it down to a 4-turn (2 per player), 9 roll (including doubles) game. If executed quickly enough, this theoretical game can be played in 21 seconds. Which is about twice as long as I'd last with Katy Perry's beautiful boobs in a rubber dress

views show how north korea policy spread misery.

a tribute game to america's army. test your shot accuracy.

twenty gorgeous nurses from across the world. borderline nsfw.

the ten sexiest car hoods and the steamiest celebrity girl-on-girl kisses.

June 15, 2010

I'm Sorry, I Don't Do Heavy Anymore.

So now the latest hub-bub is Congressman Bob Etheridge gives the ol stiffarm to two (presumbly) college kids who asked him a question on the street. yeah it's a super dickhead move and the old bastard is lucky the kid didn't defends himself by breaking the old guy's hip. Ethridge later apologized saying more or less, "Hey fuck off, I had a bad day." And if it was left at that, I wouldn't give it any further thought. But then some retard on the DNC suggested it was a setup by the GOP to make Ethridge look bad. So, now they both look like fucking idiots. Anyway, old and busted: Hottest female politicians. They lost me with, "Currently the youngest member of the US senate, she replaced former beauty Hillary Clinton." Anyway, the new hotness: European female athletes. Dibs on Claudia Toth.

You see, it’s always a good idea to be respectful of foreign cultures when you’re traveling. Especially when you're travelling drunk. Especially when you're travelling drunk in the culture that produced Tony Jaa. Know what I mean, Vern?

For those that didn't know, we lost our Bullmastiff Sebastian on Monday evening. He started having trouble breathing on Friday evening, took him to the vet Saturday morning. They found fluid around his lungs. Gave him a shot of lasix to try and get it out of there, but just didn't work. He was better Sunday, but started getting very weak that night. Monday he was getting worse, couldn't walk a straight line and we made the decision to make it easier for him because he was such a good and proud dog. Killing us. Only four years old. Alex, the Great Dane knows something is wrong, but is OK. She won't go near his gravesite. Yes, he is in our back yard next to Max the Rottweiller. The rest of our camping trips and vacations won't be the same, but will go on. Bryan and Peg

Ernie, I buried my hunting buddy and best friend of 4 years this past Memorial Day weekend. I regretfully left my backyard gate open after spending the day landscaping. After letting Oakley and my two puppies out one last time before bed, only one of them stayed home. I realized what I had done 15 minutes too late and went out looking for them flashlight in hand. As I drove up on the two of them standing on the sidewalk beside the main road of the neighborhood I was overcome with relief as I saw them both meandering around. Then I got closer and saw that Oakley was struggling, his mouth and nose red with blood. He had been hit by a vehicle and the asshole didn't stop to help. My relief turned to my worst fear as Oak walked gingerly towards me and then collapsed at my feet. He died in my lap on the way to the emergency vet. So good timing I guess for posting about Dillinger, as I make my donation with a heavy heart. This is not the first time I've donated to one of your causes, and it surely won't be the last. Thanks for doing what you do and championing the causes you believe in. Cory

I don't know if I've ever said it here, or only in individual emails to people, but I've always felt that one of the biggest injustices of life is the difference in lifespans between man and dog. You should be able to adopt a puppy when you're a toddler, live your entire lives together, only to pass on a warm bed away hours apart. Instead we live to be seventy years old, while our most faithful of companions are lucky to make it one fifth as long. It's scary to look at Ike and see the white hairs start to creep into his muzzle and paws, and to know he's got more sunsets behind him than the sunrises in front; but at the same time I'm every so grateful that smaller dogs tend to have longer lifespans. But of course I do have to tip the hat to larger dogs and say wow, that's a pretty big dog cock, Sebastian. But unless I have some sinister plans to make my dog immortal, that day will loom on the horizon. But it's not today. Nope, today is pool swimmin, ball chasin, ear scratchin and rawhide chewin day.

Ernie, Attached is the picture of my little doggie after she was nice enough to clean up the mess after I nicked a vein in my foot. I didn't even realize I had caused such a blood-letting until I was lying on the couch and wondered why my legs were so sticky. When I looked down I saw a small fountain of blood leaving my ankle. When I got off the couch and headed to the bathroom for some wound care I REALLY was able to see what blood pressure is able to do to an open vein. My home looked liked a homicide investigation in under a minute. For those of your viewers that think blood will not spurt out of a wound as is seen in the movies I will absolutely contradict them with my own experience (my cut only required 6 TINY stitches). Anyway, after I returned from urgent care I was resting with my injured leg elevated on the back of the couch so it could heal. After a few minutes my beloved Sera showed up with the largest smile I have ever witnessed. She couldn't have been happier to clean up the blood. Her expression culminated with the green-eye from the flash of the bulb, the bloody fur and the blood you can see on the tip of her tongue, and cock-eyed ear placement all equal a Zombie Dog to me. I am quite aware of your love of dogs, and your attention to a zombie threat so I submit the following pic for your amusement. Thanx for everything you do for the dogs in need. I hope Ike and Bianca are well and stay that way forever. Damon

Dude, if I ever woke up and saw Bianca covered in blood, I'd probably piss my pants.

Consider this: a wide-eyed and natural native of Crested Butte, Colorado moves to California following high school to study fashion, meets fledgling reality star Lauren Conrad, becomes her roommate, and is thus cast on one of the defining reality shows of the 2000s, “The Hills.” She then dates and later marries emerging reality mogul Spencer Pratt, undergoes ten plastic surgery procedures in one day, releases numerous singles before her album Superficial in 2010, and finally accomplishes what she set out to do in the first place – debuts her very own fashion line entitled Heidiwood. That's right: this is the story of none other than Knockers Montag. Hint: check out the post-surgery bikini pics.

cast of showgirls: where are they now?

any song titled "big ass titties" can't be all bad, right?

1800 tequila releases their limited edition essential artists bottles.

June 12, 2010

Seriously? Sieze Control Of All of BP's US Based Assets. Right Now.

Because this has escalated beyond personal or corporate property rights. This has outgrown the debate of what role the government should or should not play in private business. This has become a no holds barred race to stop the largest economic and environmental disaster to ever hit the gulf coast -- and yes, that includes Katrina because this is going to easily surpass Katrina's $90B price tag. Clearly BP has no interest in stopping the leak in the quickest manner possible, but stopping the leak in the quickest way possible that will allow them to keep drilling afterwards. And getting any money out of BP down the road? Yeah fat fucking chance on that. So much like a five year old that won't quit throwing their dinner on the floor, we've got to just take the god damned away from them. You'll get it back after you clean up your fucking mess. BHO better get off his ass and drop the fucking hammer tomorrow night.

Excuse me, Ms. Watson? Yes I'm looking for a safe place to store my penis for awhile, do you have any suggections. Oh you do? That's terrific, thank you very much! Emma is also on the twelth most misleading movie poster in history.

Born into a family of artists in St. Petersburg, Russia, Masha Terentieva attended the Gymnastics School of Olympic Reserve at the age of four. Upon graduating, she moved on to Acrobatic Rock-n-Roll, honing her artistic skills and participating in international competitions. In 2000 she moved with her parents to Canada and spent 3 years on the road with Cirque Du Soleil’s show Alegria, where her father worked as an artist. While doing contortion and hula-hoops training she discovered her passion for circus.

Hey Ern, We've sent some in before...we live just up state from ya.......thought ya might find this funny. Xaluvier

You know, so help me God I thought that was going to be an Obama joke. For the past 11 weeks, HBO has been gearing up for the True Blood Season 3 premiere by releasing a collectible poster every week. This marks the final week (and the last day!) before the season premiere and the final poster. And I would like to go on record as saying this chick is around seven huindred times hotter than Anna Paquin.

It's not news that this guy has to find his own stolen car. What is shocking news is that a major city like Cleveland that has had 4000 cars stolen last year - has one damn officer in it's auto theft dept. No wonder your city sucks as bad as your sports teams! I know I'm a little cranky as I've had a car stolen with in the past year. But I live 40 miles from that "armpit by the lake" (Akron PD recovered my car within 4 hours and put the asshole in prison for 2 years) - Greg

El Caminito del Rey (English: The King's little pathway) is a walkway or via ferrata, now fallen into disrepair, pinned along the steep walls of a narrow gorge in El Chorro, near Álora in the district of Málaga, Spain. The name is often shortened to Camino del Rey. The walkway has now gone many years without maintenance, and is in a highly deteriorated and dangerous state. It is one meter (3 feet and 3 inches) in width, and is over 100 meters (350 feet) above the river. Nearly all of the path has no handrail. Some parts of the concrete walkway have completely collapsed and all that is remaining is the steel beam originally in place to hold it up. One can latch onto a modern steel safety-wire to keep from falling, though it can't hold much weight. Several people have lost their lives on the walkway in recent years; after four people died in two accidents in 1999 and 2000[1], the local government closed the entrances. To this day it crossing it has been banned. However policing is extremely minimal and many adventurous tourists still find their way onto the walkway to explore it.

Hey Ernie, I just came across this and thought you might enjoy.... Keith

My father in law used to cater a lot of events for a local grocery chain. One time he got sent over to the Jimmy Dean plant in Iowa for an event that Jimmy himself was going to be at..It might have been a golf tournament as well? Anyhow my Father in law is a hard working guy, he keeps his head down and keeps moving unaware of anything around him. After a hard mornings work he slips away to the restroom for a needed BREAK..As he stood there at the urinal he turned to his side and noticed Jimmy Dean himself standing there taking a Break as well.. My father in law said Jimmy looked back at him..and before it got real awkward Jimmy just said in that trademark voice.. "Yep, its me..." at that point they both just started laughing.. Foodstick

And, I think it's about high time for a game challenge, don't you? Death vs The Monstars is an easy and addicting little game where your go is to maneuver around the screen collecting gold coing while avoid/shooting the other guys. There are several levls to complete and you earn cashola based upon your performance. So far I've scored 1,030 although my screen cap only shows 1,027 -- check the high scores to see my other one. Remember to put EHOWA in your name!

sincerely, me: what our email sign-offs say about us.

seven hottest female comedians (who are actually funny).

June 12, 2010

Insert Your Favorite GREAT FUCKING QUESTION Weekend Joke Here.

Ernie, Just a question. If Salma Hayek is fuckinging tweeterpated by snakes, how the hell did she pull off that smoking hot dance scene in "From Dusk to Dawn"? Enquiring minds want to know... Keep up the good work, brother. Hal.

do you remember captain spaulding?

ufc 115 preview, chuck lidell vs rich franklin.

now thats just gay - rattlesnake warning - weedguy

2010 fifa world cup: the 25 hottest chicks in soccer jerseys.

awesome tongue - hottie is on target - nancy BOTWIN from weeds irl

June 11, 2010

And Now For A Little Entertainment.

In the ballsiest move since someone quit their job, sold everything they owned and moved to Florida, this guy quit his job, sold everythign he owner, BOUGHT A MOTHERFUCKING LAMBORGHINI GALLARDO and drove it across the country. Three fucking times. And that's about half as ballsy as it is fucking awesome. And while he drove his Lambo do death -- literally -- read his story, he's got some good shit to say.

After all this dog discussion over the past few days we have to remember that in truth, woman is man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsom man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible ... No wait... My bad, I'm thinking of alcohol. And Red Dead Redemption.

Hey mate, I have been a fan for many-a-year, girlfriend not such a big fan, but I try to explain that much like Playboy, I like EHOWA for it's interesting articles and not the copious amounts of titties it supplies. I keep selling...she ain't buyin'... All the same, like you, I couldn't locate the "WWJD" recording, but I did locate two site with a few good recorded calls I thought ya might dig. [one - two] Bent

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair. "You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family; I was a respected member of the community. But all that's gone now. Since my memory began failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't remember my clients' names. My wife and children have left me, too; and why shouldn't they - some nights I wouldn't get home until four or five in the morning. I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!" "This is not an unusual form of neurosis," the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell me, just how long ago did you first become aware of this condition?" "Condition?" The man sat up in his chair. "What condition?"

There are no titles on the line Saturday night when UFC 115 takes place from the General Motors Palace in Vancouver. But in all likelihood, someone's career will be coming to a close. The main event of Saturday's card features two former UFC champions when Rich "Ace" Franklin and Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell meet -- that's Chucks's girlfriend Heidi Northcott, by the way. At one time, both were considered among the best pound-for-pound fighters in the world, but now, the two are thought to be past their prime.

This photo was taken in front of a Chinese restaurant in Potsdam, NY. Brent A.

I'm not a big Soccer fan, but I'm coming around. Here's a screen cap from the Nigeria Vs. Germany match..... Geo

Eh, I'm not a big soccer/football/World Cup/whatever-you-want-to-call-it fan either. But I suppose it's like any sport, one you watch it for a little while you can't help but get emotionally vested in it.

A red-light district is a neighborhood or a part of a neighborhood where businesses connected to the sex industry (sex shops, strip clubs, adult theaters etc.) exist. In the 19th century, the term "red light" was associated with the red lanterns carried by railway workers (which the latter left outside brothels when they entered). During World War I, there were many brothels in Belgium and France; authorities marked them with blue lights for brothels for officers, and red lights for other ranks. And given that prostituion is legal in the Netherlands, I don't know why this photographer felt he had to sneak his camera around.

Famous draft dodgers who became politicians and had no trouble sending other people off to war. Don't worry, there are both elephants and donkeys alike in this one.

the nine greatest b horror movies after evil dead.

salma hayek and maria bello REALLY don't like snakes.

June 10, 2010

Wow, Is Dexter Starting To Get To Me?

If you only watch one video this entire fucking year, let this be it. Well, that one or this one, either way. Thanks Chris, bonzai motherfucker!

So let me tell you about a rather disturbing dream I had last night. I was riding in the passenger seat of a tubbed out 1930's era hot rod. It was ight blue and was driven by a faceless white man, whose identitify I don't know. At a stop light, another hot rod pulled up next to us. It was assumed by both parties that it was on baby! And as the light went green, that's what we did, barreling through traffic, racing to my house. Only as we got into traffic, my driver didn't weave in and out around people, he actualy made bumper-to-bumper contact and physically pushed them out of the way. The other hot-rod was close on our tail as we approached a 90 degree right turn with a stop sign. Rather than stop and turn, my driver chose to cut diagnoally across the open field, again with the other car hot on our heels. As we fishtailed onto the new road and sped down the homestretch towards my house, I looked behind us to see the other car first skid, then the side of the wheels dig in and begin to barrel roll. I looked down and we were going well over 100mph. As I looked back at the crashed car, it was now an old open top Jeep, laying upside down. One body had been thrown clear of the wreck. And just as I was thinking, we have to call for help, a Coast Guard helicopter appeared on scene, and a paramedic started to fast-rope down. But that's not the weird part.

Back at my house I found myself in the top bunk of a bunkbed. The quarters are incredibly cramped, like inside an RV or mobile home. Looking down, I see the severed head of a dead stripper laying on the exposed plywood floor just below me. The head is somewhat decomposed, so it isn't fresh but maybe a week or two dead. Another guy -- this guy from The Wire -- tells me not to worry about it, he'll take care of it later. He leaves and I climb down to get a closer look at the head. I remember picking it up, holding this severed human head in my hands but don't remember any details about what it looked like. But that's not the weird part.

Then I snapped awake. And I had an erection. Is that bad? Do I have some fucked up karma headed my way?

Ernie, I know you love all things with big boobs, especially jessica Biel and kelly Brook -- did you know the latter just agreed to pose for Playboy? They're paying her a cool half a million. Thanks for the site. Ronald.

You know, I did hear about that and as crazy as it seems, I'm not very excited about it. Because its being reported that her pictorial will be, "arty and tasteful." Booo. Whop the fuck wants that? She's been doing topless stuff for years -- shit I posted these beach photos back in June of 2006 before she started banging Danny Cipriani. That's not to say that I don't love looking at her beautiful 32E chest, but damn man, we've all seen it before. And since I presume that "arty and tasteful" doesn't mean we'll get to see her hotbox anytime soon, what the fuck is Playboy going to show me that I haven't already seen? Now, if you were to tell me that Knockers Montag is going to do allow topless pictures, now we're talking.

Given that it's always so sunny in the Middle East and so rainy here in the States, it's no wonder why they always have the best camel toe in the world.

Big E: The truth is out, Guillaume faked the dive in the name of art. Quote: "I never pretended to reach the bottom. It's impossible and no one will ever do it," Guillaume said via email, emphasizing that the movie was an artistic creation -- "a fiction movie" -- that took four afternoons of diving "to get all the shots." Thanks for the daily posts though, I'm a big fan of yours. Later, Robb (and Shane)

Hey Ernie, I watched that fucking video of those beatnik tards at the Red & Black Café. Did you notice that the last speaker, the girl talking about Transformative Justice, hadn’t used a razor on her armpits in several months? Could you imagine trying to avoid the open sores on her face and ending up with your face in her nasty armpits, instead? Jesus… I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Thanks, Brad – Aliso Viejo, CA

Having done customer support for such a long time, anytime someone forward in a support call I find myself not paying so much attention to how stupid the end user is -- that's to be expected -- but the level of service being provided by the phone tech such as this Dell service rep. Did I post that one before, it seems kind of familiar? Anyway, I only mention this because the latest one is the woman who was confused when Google had Pacman on their homepage. While yes, the woman was stupid, the tech didn't really do shit to clear things up, either. And here are some voicemails left by angry customers, and I recommend you listen to them: British Telecom - insurance company's voiecmail - Jimmy Dean. I tried to find the "What would Jesus want you to do" hard drive guy, but no luck. Anyone have it still?

Never did I think these words would leave my mouth but these guys drivin Hyundais are pretty cool.

ceo steve jobs introduces the new iphone 4.

did sarah palin buy herself a couple of 'luxury items'?

old and busted: THE A-TEAM. the new hotness: the a-team.

June 9, 2010

Where Is Eric Cartman When You Need Him?

A few days ago I got wind of this story, in which a Portland police officer was asked to leave a coffee shop because the owner didn't feel safe with him in the store. The cop was cool about it and didn't raise a fuss -- kudos to him -- and the story would never have come to light had another patron who witnessed the exchange, not blogged about it. Of course there was some local uproar and in order to 'head things off' the tootie-frootie homo coffee shop owned decided to hold a press conference and explain why he asked Le Policia to leave. Trust me when I tell you... as much as you want to vomit for the first half -- they sure do like the word 'space' -- you'll burst out laughing once Ari PerezDiez gets a chance to rock the mic with her introduction of police-free alternatives to crime, such as transformative justice. In this process, right after Ari gets gang raped, she will tell the community what happened. Said community will comfort and support her, and her perpetrators will soon be guilted into apologizing and making ammends. Awwwww, see... there's no need for police anymore! Everyone hold my hand and let's sing Kumbaya while I eat my Tofu-Lettuce-and-Tomato sandwich!

Anyway if you can believe it, their business actually increased immediately following he incident. Here's what I think. There's no need for anyone to do anything special, as this problem is going to solve itself. Did he get a burst of business? Sure, for now. From a bunch of dirty hippies who will soon run out of money and assuming nobody burns the place down or robs it -- the cops will be quite indifferent to that emergency, I'm sure -- long term I don't think they can stay afloat forever. Besides, at some point the guys running the shop will realize that the she-wildebeasts aren't worth sacrificing their manhood for any longer, and will join us grown ups at Five Guys. But hey Portland is kind of a fucked up hippie town, so who knows.

So it's only two more days until the new A-Team is released and I dunno what to think. When Mr. T doesn't like it, something has got to be fucked up, right? So hopefully the sex scenes include Jessica Biel in some way. And then Black Dynamite and Seven of Nine are trying to get Mortal Kombat rebooted, I dunno I kind of wish Hollywood would stop with this remake bullshit.

(CNN) -- In 2006, a mechanic standing near a Boeing 737 at El Paso International Airport in Texas was sucked into one of the engines and killed Monday, officials said. Continental Airlines Flight 1515 was preparing to take off for Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston when "a maintenance-related engine run-up of the right-hand engine" was carried out, said Roland Herwig, a spokesman for the Federal Aviation Administration's southwest region in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. [Warning: pictures not safe for a vegan coffee shop]

Henry "Henny" Youngman (March 16, 1906 – February 24, 1998) was a British-born comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners," short, simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire. His best known (and oft misattributed) one-liner was "Take my wife—please". In a time when many comedians told elaborate anecdotes, Youngman’s comedy routine consisted of telling simple one-liner jokes, occasionally with interludes of violin playing. These gags depicted simple, cartoon-like situations, eliminating lengthy build-ups and going straight to the punch line. He was known as the King of the One Liners, a title bestowed upon him by columnist Walter Winchell. A typical stage performance by Youngman lasted only fifteen to twenty minutes, but contained dozens of jokes, spouted in rapid-fire fashion. Youngman developed pneumonia and died on February 24, 1998, at the age of 91. He is interred in the Mount Carmel Cemetery, Glendale, New York, next to his wife, Sadie. With the exception of a week following his wife's death, and the month he was in his final hospital stay, Henny was renowned for having worked almost every day for over 45 years without vacations or other breaks. His published autobiography is entitled Take My Life, Please!

harley davidson unveils the new xr1200x.

u.s. intelligence analyst arrested in wikileaks probe.

June 8, 2010

Welcome To Cinderella's Ball.

Okay. Finally got a hold of Judy. And here's where we're at. They usually receive 1-2 Paypal donations per day, usually in the $10-$15 range. From 6/3 (the day I did the hard push on EHOWA) to 6/4 (for you lazy fucks who don't check the site every day), she pulled in $7,000 in Paypal donations. So I'm pretty comfortable in saying the EHOWA army rocked the house on this one, given that we estimated Dillinger's care to end up being around $3,500. Now, to anyone who is thinking, "OMFG! I sent in my last $10 and she didn't really need it!" -- trust me, yes they do. Here's why. If you go to their main page and scroll down to "This is What Rescue is All About!" you'll see that Dillinger wasn't their only hard luck (and expensive) case. Thank God the others were all dogs and not cats, but that's another story.

The little 8 week old puppy Cinderella (she's the little doggie on your right) had been disgnosed with a persistent right aortic arch. Wait, what? Yeah exactly, I had to look it up, too. Judy explained that the surgery was done in front of a roomfull of veterinary students, since all of them had read about but never actually seen the procedure done before. That surgery was $2,000 and the little fucker is expected to make a full recovery.

And then came Rainey, a dog that had actually been flown in from a kill-shelter in Georgia. Rainey had: distemper, pneumonia, and was pregnant. Her supporive care was quite expensive and although they're pretty sure she's going to be okay in the long run, sadly none of her four puppies survived. Either way, her care -- along with Dillinger and Cinderella's surgeries -- were all paid for with your donations. So trust me, whether you're into playful dogs, or momma dogs, or puppy dogs... none of the donations went to waste and let's be honest we can all use a doggie feel good story given what's going on in the Gulf.

Dear Ernie: I'll bet that British Petroleum is calculating how it can declare Chapter 11 bankruptcy, corral its legal liabilities into a separate entity, and have its executives get fat severance packages once it's taken over by Exxon Mobil. BP made $17B profit last year, but its liabilities could be as high as $40B from Deepwater. It's lost a third of its pre-spill market value. If a Louisiana jury finds against them in a civil trial, how many extra zeros do you think they will put on that? And how ripe a takeover target would BP be then? -- best, Howard

Boy I bet all the oil shieks are laughing now, eh? I know it was kind of a dick move, but I had actually contemplated picking up some BP stock after it dropped to the low 30's, but you know what? I'm not that confident they're going to recover from this; I think it's too big for them to handle. And an update on the underwater BASE jumping video that I linked yesterday. Evidently it was done by World champion freediver Guillaume Nery special dive at Dean's Blue Hole, the deepest blue hole in the world, and was filmed entirely in breath hold by the french champion Julie Gautier. Here it is in high definition. One breath, huh. and it's good they filmed that on the Atlantic side... had it been on the Gulf side, they'd probably look like this.

Warning: Proper execution of the Heimlich maneuver can result in your girlfriend having a black baby. You have been warned.

Just a little morthwoods humor for you. These girls are on a local tattoo artists web page. I guess they really like Ricky Bobby. Thanks for your page. Todd K. from

The 2010 NBA Finals: Who has the hottest celebrity fans, the Celtics or the Lakers? Hint: both Eliza Dushku and Gisele Bündchen are Celtics fans. Stupid Jessica Biel, I don't care if you do look hot at the A-Team premire, you've got to be a Celtic girl.

Everyone likes free stuff, and now you can get totally free online dating as well. Many sites say that they are “free” but then you need to pay to do anything substantial that would actually lead to a date. Fortunately, there are now plenty of sites that are completely free. Others might charge for premium services, but the actual free dating websites let you access personals and interact with the opposite sex and schedule a date. Of course, many people now use social media sites as a proxy for dating sites. That’s another strategy altogether, so here we will focus on sites devoted to dating a meeting people online.

camaro vs mustang - the battle is on!

oil spill is causing bp to change their logo - $200 contest! is the coolest webcam site on the web. definitely NSFW.

June 7, 2010

Why Come To Me? What Have I Done To Deserve Such Generosity, Part Deux.

Okay, so I'm a little embarassed to admit that I'm still playing phone tag with Judy and thus don't have a firm update on the donation tally for Dillinger. I missed her call on Saturday and she left me a voicemail -- I'd record it for you but seriously, I can't -- and while she said 'thank you and God bless you' about five times, she didn't let me know the total donations. Some of you have been good enough to forward me in copies of your Paypal receipts, so I can account for about $1,800 so far that I know of. Kudos to Tyson ($200), Richard ($200) and David ($300) for taking me up on my TRIPLE DOG DARE. So as my game of tag with Judy continues, as I found more out, you'll find out. In the meantime, operating under the assumption that not everyone forwarded in their receipts (as has happened in the past), I think we can safely call off donations at this point. Many thanks to all who donated!

G’day Ernie, This story about a brave little kitty was reported in a Sydney, Australia daily newspaper. Interestingly the event happened in Texas! I have enjoyed your site for years, keep up the good work. Regards, Jeff. [Ernie says: here's a local link, with video]

Don't really know your views on pit bulls but I think that they are reflections of their owners. Obviously this dogs owner was an ass hole. Here are the results of a pit bull attack. Chris

Along with Chris' email were pictures which have been floating around the internet ever since September of 2006. They're of some douchebag who tried to kill himself with a gun under his chin, only he miscalculated the trajectory and instead of taking off the top of his head, literally blew his face off. And so now human stupidity is being used to further the negative stereotype around pitbulls. Great. Anyway, here are my thoughts on pitbulls. I don't think they're anymore prone to violence than any other breed of dog; I am completely and 100% on the side of nuture over nature on this one. But pitbulls have two things working against them: first, any dog can snap and bite someone, but pitbulls are simply capable of doing more damaga than say, a toy poodle. In this regard, I consider them no more or less dangerous than a mastiff, rotweiller, newfoundland, or any other large breed. So whenever I hear about pitbulls being singled out by legislators, I just want to pluck my own fucking eyes out. The second thing that pitbulls have working against them -- and perhaps their biggest defecit -- are their mentally unstable douchebag owners. Now, do responsible pet owners own pitbulls? Of course they do, but you don't hear about them because they don't make the news. Nobody ever reports, "Pitbull did not attack anyone at the park." But for some reason, pitbulls seem to be the preferred choice for white trash redneck and inner city gangsta alike, and neither of those two demographics are known for paying much attention to their civic duties. And it's those assholes that make the pit owners look bad. So yes an untrained, unsupervised, powerful animal can indeed cause lots of damage. But whose fault is that... douchebag dog or douchebag owner?

Hi Ernie, Marc Davidson, who is a past contributor to LBEH, won the bid. He won the bid at $495.00. The donation to LBEH was rounded off to an even $500.00, and the money was transferred to LBEH, via PayPal. Many thanks to Marc, and all the other bidders. A special thanks to you and the LBEH organization. Hopefully, I can find something noteworthy to place for auction again for LBEH. Bo

Ahhhh Marc, you sneaky bastard, good to hear from you. For those of you who've been around LBEH for awhile, Marc has been a steady contributor since ther 2004 campaign, each year ponying up his credit card to buy a ticket for an Oregon bound soldier. You sir, have my vote for President!

Old and busted: BASE jumping from a dam. The new hotness: underwater BASE jumping. Trust me, this is wicked fucking cool although me thinks the diver took a few hits of air from the cameraman at some point.

Ever hear of a Landslide Exclusion? We missed that one when we bought insurance from Kentucky Farm Bureau. So what? So 17 years later we had 9 inches of rain one day and it caused a landslide. Insurance company didn't pay a dime. 8 years left on the mortgage and the home is destroyed. I know, not your problem.......... But it would be cool if you helped get the word out for homeowners to look at their policy VERY CAREFULLY (Ernie too). Web site is here..... I'm opening my own version of whoopass and the gloves are off. Bare Knuckles now. Thanks, David B.

Ouch. Well, (un)fortunately the biggest hill I have to worry about here in Florida is when I drive about 200 miles north and get on the I-75 overpass that crosses I-4. Other than that, if it weren't for a few trees, I could see Kansas. But of course what I do have to worry about, aside from the oil, are the hurricanes -- which by the way, if Hurricane Earl comes ashore here, I'm going to throw up. So not only do I have to carry the federally mandated flood insurance, but I've got a hurricane rider on my homeowners insurance. Translation: if a named storm comes through Lee County, my homeowners deductible jumps from the standare $1,000 to 2% of my home's value. And the deductible only down to 2% since I had the hurricane shutters installed in 2007, before that it was a 5%. But you really can't do much to prevent a hurricane, so most of us just try to act natural and hope for the best.

Abercrombie & Fitch, Calvin Klein Eternity, and Britney Spears’ Curious, to name a few, contain a dozen or more chemicals not listed on their labels that have not been assessed for safety by the beauty industries self policing review panel. Many of these chemicals cause allergic reactions, disrupt hormones, and could play a role in developing cancer. Ouch.

a job application gone very, very awry.

more japanese tv awesomeness: the asian girl slip-n-slide.

ten reasons why is the most intellectual site on the web.

June 6, 2010

Operation Neptune.

June 5, 2010

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

'get him to the greek'

doggieleghumper - gingertwins

zoeyandawitch - whyweneedbeaches

newmissionblockadepor - whoisyourrolemodel

candice swanepoel bikini pictures are out of this world.

the twenty hottest ladies ever to appear on friday night lights.

now that i've seen the trailer, i can't believe this got the green light.

June 4, 2010

Why Come To Me? What Have I Done To Deserve Such Generosity?

I tried to give a jingle to Judy today, and see how we were doing donation wise but alas, she is out on the road at some adoption thing until this afternoon. The woman I spoke, Lisa, didn't have access to their Paypal so I'm to call back after 1pm and ask for Amanda. So stay tuned for an update either later today or tomorrow am. In the meantime, seriously, today is payday for a lot of people so kick in a few bucks to help Dillinger, because seeing him try to walk like this is fucking killing me. Otherwise, I will come after you.

So I was srusing around and watching one of the twelve feeds for BP's underwater ROVs and I have to say it doesn't look a shit bit different than it did a few weeks ago. Well you know, except for the birds -- WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING?!?! And with our beaches all fucked up, how are we going to possibly see Megan Fox in a bikini anymore? I mean seriously, we're one fucking step away from nukes, right? because it's all fun and games until this shit hits a little too close to home. Moving from Massachusetts to Florida? Nice call. But don't worry, it'll be there soon enough.

Hey Ern, I've loved the site for some time now. I thought I would share this with you. Today was my birthday and while I dont normally celebrate it, people at work do. Around the office I have developed a reputation of being honest and straightforward. If someone asked me for my opinion, I told them what I thought and not really cared if they lied it or not. To make the story short, this is a pic of my birthday cake. Kendall

I remember when Judy Tibbets baked me a birthday cake back when I worked at Entex. It was a perfectly round pair of tits. Ha! Hey someone help me out, as I'm getting older my eyes aren't as sharp as they used to be. Is this car the same as this car?

Old and busted: when pigs fly. The new hotness: when pigs swim. No seriously, swimming pigs.

Ernie, Just returned from the beach. I do this every year and a lot of people admire my balls and a few even ask me about them, however this is the first year that I had a bikini hottie admire my balls and ask permission to take a picture of them. Of course I said yes if I could take a picture of her doing it. I try to do something a little different every year and did this with EHOWA in mind. Regards, George

You know at first I couldn't tell if that chick was white or not, because of the way the contrast in the photo is. Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, black people talk funny!" Surely I don't have to worry too much about that chick stealing my identity.

Hi Ernie, I hope this is worthy of your great and glorious site. I took these pictures on the Grand Mesa in Colorado. Just a warning, water that doesn't look that high or fast can still ruin your day. Mark

What do nutmeg, video head cleaner, and cough syrup have in common? No, they weren't invented by Jake Elwood. The answer? Just like Chris Tucker, They all gonna get you high today.

hottest adult film stars of the last fifteen years.

these are your instructore at tv university. medieval history ftw!

June 3, 2010

In What Fucking World Would You Throw Out A Dog?

And I don't mean them "Hey you, get outta my house," kind of throwing out; I mean like throwing him out with the trash. Because that's literally what happened to Dillinger, the one year old lab you see to your right. Locked in his cage and set alongside trash cans in the hopes that the local garbagemen would dispose of him. Are you fucking kidding me? And to add insult to -- well, injury? Not only was Dillinger infested with fleas, but he has a BROKEN FUCKING LEG. Now, I get a lot of requests to help injured or sick animals, and in all honesty I end up turning most of them down. For example, a sick dog.... well hey, as much as I hate to say it, dogs get sick all the time. That's kind of the way natural selection works. But cruelty at the hands of a human? Nah, that's the shit I can't stand. It's unnecessary, it's preventable and there's no cause for it.

So after posting Paul's link yesterday, curiosity got the best of me and I called up Judy at Pet Rescue by Judy and she and I talked for a bit about Dillinger. Probably the first words out of her mouth were she couldn't believe how well Dillinger gets along with other animals and despite what's happened to her she loves people. I mean fuck, if any dog out there has a reason to hate people, it's one that's had its leg broken and was discarded like rotten food stinking up your refrigerator. But no, as true testament to dogs, she's lovable, playful, and gentle. And while she's no longer a walking skeleton and the fleas are gone, she's also hobbling. Why? He can't bear any weight on his shattered hind leg. And no money to fix it just yet. Judy explained that they were 'robbing Peter to pay Paul' and trying to drum up some funds to get Dillinger's leg taken care of. I asked her to take a wild guess how much it would cost. $2,800 for the surgery itself, Another $150 for physical therapy afterwards, and a few hundred more for post operative care (pain meds, antibiotics, bandages, etc). So we figured that around $3,500 ought to be as good a number as any.

I explained to Judy that we the EHOWA ARMY have had some success helping injured animals before -- Daisy and Gypsy to name a few -- and that I was pretty sure we could all pitch in and get Dillinger's leg fixed. Judy told me she loved me, but I'm not sure... that might be just a woman's innate reaction to money. Anyway.

Don Corleone: Call Bonasera. We need him now.

[Tom Hagen calls Amerigo Bonasera]

Tom Hagen: [on the phone] This is Tom Hagen, calling for Vito Corleone at his request. Now, you owe your Don a service. He has no doubt that you will repay him. In one hour he will be at your funeral parlor to ask for your help. Be there to greet him.

[as ordered, a nervous Bonasera meets the Don at his parlor]

Don Corleone: Well, my friend, are you ready to do me this service?

Bonasera: Yes. What do you want me to do?

[the two walk into the embalming room, where a corpse lies on a table... ]

Don Corleone: [staring at the table] I want you to use all your powers, and all your skills. I don't want his mother to see him this way.

[he draws back the sheet to reveal, to a horrified Bonasera, the bullet-smashed face of Sonny Corleone]

Don Corleone: [breaking down for a moment] Look how they massacred my boy...

And so as your Don, I need you now. Yes, this is one of the few times a year when I ask you to dip into your piggy banks and help a brotha out. So do me this favor -- make a donation to help Dillinger. Seriously. Donate what you can, ten, fifteen, twenty bucks, whatever you can spare. In fact, I DARE you to donate -- they even take Paypal so it's wicked easy. On top of that, I DOUBLE DOG dare you to match my donation. Even better, I TRIPLE DOG DARE you to BEAT me donation. Theres even a 'description block' if you'd like to note that your donation specifically be for Dillinger. C'mon, what else are you gonna spend your money on? Beer? You're fat enough as it is. Golf? Please, these women can beat your ass without breaking a sweat. Music, like the Divorce Albums of the 1980s? Please, RIAA is having their worst year in two decades and I say it stay that way. Priorities, people. there's a dog hurting and you can help stop it. So do me a favor and pony up some dough.

Ernie -- don't know if you've seen this yet or not, but this is one advertising mistake that will definitely leave many heads rolling. Josh

The pussification of youth sports -- not sure if you have seen this yet but WTF?! Ray

When Hunger Calls. When Flavor Falls. When Value=Lame. Call on Taco Bell's Super Delicious Ingredient Force, defenders of taste buds throughout the United States AND Canada. But nto France, France sucks.

no, no, no, no more pushin, i be scared.

watch these two guys kick ass at speed chess. fucked at the 1:50 mark.

old and busted: how many 5-year olds could you take. the new hotness: how many justin biebers., the world's first and only truly free adult megasite. NSFW.

June 2, 2010

A Spot Of The Old Ultra-Violence...

Last weekend I lost and maimed a friend - -but that's OK, because I learnt a moronic beer trick in the process. It's the kind of thing that you see oily twentysomething boys doing in cheap night clubs while they work on their nascent beer-guts. Lots of fun.

What you do is this: grasp your stubbie (Australasian for 12oz beer bottle) firmly by the middle, wait until your friend is deeply in the midst of a pick-up speech (this is an important point of etiquette), listen for some particularly witty line (that is, wait until the pompous git squeezes out something that obviously needs deflation), and smack the top of his stubbie, hard, with the bottom of yours. This should be done with a minimum of arm movement and a blank lookon the face; ideally the woman shouldn't notice. Your victim's beer will "cum" vigorously all over his delicate proceedings. Repeat often during larger promotions. The best way to save face when this happens to you is to jam the bottle firmly in your mouth, suck hard, and hope your eyes stay in your head. This is especially effective if you can keep a straight face while sinking vast quantities of warm, foamy beer, but does tend to come unstuck a little if you blow chunks all over the person you're trying to pick up.

John, the friend I mentioned at the beginning, taught me this in a bar. It was near the end of the night... we (John, me and a few friends) had been drinking for eight hours. Our faces were red and glistening with sweat, we were talking too loud and had somehow formed the idea that we were the funniest people on the planet. We had been smacking each others beers incessantly, so our shirt fronts, and the surrounding floor, were soaked. The bouncers had started to edge closer, trying to pick the delicate point at which we would be costing them more than they were making out of us--or maybe they just wanted to pound seven shades of shit out of us. One of them looked pretty excited; had a hard-on, even.

Being a keen spotter, and veteran cause, of the sort of bad craziness that involves large quantities of alcohol and huge bouncers, I went to negotiate peace with the doormen. As I'm a spotty little gimp, my usual negotiation technique involves lying on my back and pissing myself like a crippled dog. However, eight hours of drinking will bestow a little courage on even the lowliest little shit, and so I begged time for another round. Regrettably. By this stage of the evening we had given up all pretensions to normal drinking etiquette (no pointing, no showing of teeth, no use of consonants... that sort of pratty crap) and had started to lunge and flail wildly whenever we saw an unprotected bottle. John barely got his last beer off the bar before I hit it. He was expecting this, though, and immediately stuffed the stubbie in his mouth. Fair rammed it home, he did. Which was unfortunate, because the top had busted off.

His eyes went wide as the glass slit through his top and bottom lip, and sank into his tongue. He fell to his knees, trying to hold the bottle still, but the foaming beer forced its way into his wind-pipe and he coughed explosively, spraying us with a fine mist of blood. He dropped the bottle and clamped his hands to his mouth, letting out a loud, low wail. The whole bar went silent. Even the arsehole bouncers were staring white faced at the mess. He was bleeding rivers. In about fifteen seconds his hands had been covered in slick red gloves, and the front of his shirt, once a cheerful shade of larger, had turned a violent crimson. He just knelt there, staring at me with enormous yellow eyes, making pathetic mewling noises and letting out small coughs whenever blood ran down the back of his throat. Blood was dripping off his elbows.

Two of us picked him up and hauled him out the door, pulled him into the back seat of his car and drove to Accident and Emergency. On the way there he went into deep shock. The bits of his face that weren't dark red were white. His fingernails were showing dark blue through the coagulating blood, he was shivering uncontrollably. By the time we got to the hospital he couldn't walk, so we carried him inside.

Saturday night in A&E is one of New Zealand's national institutions; drinking and fighting is one of our national sports. When you walk through the doors of a hospital's emergency department in the weekend you're greeted by the smell of freshly processed alcohol; the cloying funk of acetone and vomit. The lobby is generally crammed with groaning rednecks and blue, spew-choked corpses. Still, John received attention fairly promptly, probably because of his cute injury.

The attending doctor soon worked out that he wasn't in a life threatening condition, but was concerned about giving him anaesthetic because he was so pissed. She did give him a few injections, but he still started whimpering and shaking when she began to stitch him up. She started mumbling a few platitudes to encourage him to stay still, but hadn't got far when, Quite abruptly, he stopped shivering and his eyes lost their focus. He burped. A weird, hollow, relaxed burp. The doctor went all quiet and stared at John, her nostrils flaring slightly with fear. Suddenly John's entire lower body convulsed, unloading a couple of litres of warm beer and clotted blood down the young doctor's front. She jumped backwards, swearing, and leaving the needle dangling from the suture in John's lip.

A few litres later, John heaved himself upright, blowing vomit out his nose to clear his airway. He gawped at me accusingly before his eyes rolled back into his head and he fainted, rolling sideways off the gurney. His head hit the ground with a sickening squeak, the sound of skull plates sliding against each other, and his arm folded under his body unnaturally. Rather than stunning him, this seemed to bring him out of his faint. He rolled his head around to look at me and vomited again. His cuts had reopened; the sutures had torn out. After a few rough breaths he fixed me with his best "fuck off and die" stare, and started to spit black blood and ill-formed words: "I'll 'ill 'ou, 'ou 'uck. 'Ou 'ick 'uck. 'Ou 'uck. 'Ou 'uck. 'Ou 'uck..." I left. -- Will

Ernie, I have a US Flag (new) 4x8, which flew over the capital. I have it on Ebay, and all of the proceeds will be donated to LBEH. So hopefully a little exposure on EHOWA, will encourage your readers to bid it up. The proceeds from this auction, will be in addition to my normal contribution to LBEH (2010). Thanks, Bo

I cannot put my anger in words when I see a story like this. Senator Byrd spoke elequently as to cruelty to dogs, and I will not cut and past his words, they are too many, but perhaps there is a quote you would grab and publish along with the story above. Paul

More on the puppy story can be found here, and Dillinger is now resting comfortably at an animal rescue called Pet Rescue By Judy.

Following a horrific crash during the 94th Indianapolis 500, Mike Conway, won’t be able to return to an open-wheel car for at least 3 months. Conway suffered a compression fracture of one of his vertebrae and will wear a back brace for three months, which will prevent him from racing. He is also scheduled for surgery in the next few days, to repair a damaged leg. You can see some high-res pictures of Conway’s crash here.

Here's a picture of Gary Coleman's casket -- it's already got his name on it. Jon

When you’re preparing to go out on a date, there’s really just one thing to remember: the little things matter. Unfortunately, since this is a column and not a motivational poster, I’m guessing that I can’t just leave it at that, so allow me to expand on the topic a bit. Tom

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a Ginger kid with two friends? Puddy

Aw man, no jokes about Gary Coleman, he was very special to me. And in a sport that Lance Armstrong would have no interest in competing in, sack tapping is when two male participants each try to hit the other one's testicles first. And it's all fun and games until someone loses a nut. No seriously, the kid had to have one of his balls removed. Not safe for lunch.

And just two quick ones for our friends at British Petroleum.

megan fox bikini photos & in talks for pirates 4?

why you should buy your girlfriend a wii fit. you're welcome.

this is the COOLEST thing you'll see all week. unless you're sarah connor.

for those of you who don’t know how big a yottabyte is.

fifteen of the worst kinds of boobs, yes, really.

June 1, 2010

Does This Make Me A Hypocrite?

But I really wish this BP thing was happening on the other coast. Because as much as I love a good disaster, it's really not any fucking fun when it happens in your own backyard. Some people over on Sanibel/Captiva islands have reported a few tar balls washing up on shore. And now that the dog days of summer are upon us, don't even get me fucking started on the upcoming Hurricane season. Six foot swells coming through your livingroom are one thing; six foot swells with an inch of heavy crude on top coming through your livingroom is not going to be very much fun. And now we have to sit back and wonder just what the fuck is really being done, because here we are six weeks after this fucking thing started and we're no closed now that we were then... the oil just keeps coming and coming. It's like aside from a few oil booms, everyone has just sat on their asses for the last month and a half. Anybody? Anything? And no more fucking straw theories, either.

I've been watching a lot of Dexter lately. Seasons one and two were available for instant streaming on Netflix, but now I have to play the DVD-hot-potato game with season three which isn't available for streaming yet. And I'm totally serious that I think Julie Benz got her tits done because she was kind fo flat chested in season one, but now it's like va-va-va-voom. But actually I read this article about her and found out she's been around a lot longer than I had thought. She was in Married With Children, she was the chick in Rambo -- how the fuck did I miss that one? -- and she was Darla in Buffy/Angel but I can't find a good video of that without some gay soundtrack playing, so you'll have to use your imagination there.

Hey Ern, Capt. Michael Clauer and his family have got to have the worst neighbors ever. While he was serving in Iraq, the Homeowners' Association (his neighbors) foreclosed his $300k home and sold it for $3500. How much were his back dues? $800. Please post this so people can hear about this. JJ

You know howto tell that the HOA knows they're a bunch of complete douchebags? Becase when you visit their site, they've removed any and all traces on how to contact them. Well, at first anyway, but then in comes a cached copy on Google and viola! An address and telephone number! Although me thinks the Service Members Civil Relief Act is going to come intop play here. I'd like to try and watch them act their way out of that one.

Celebrity offspring. Old and busted: Brooke Hogan. (That's a man, baby!). The new hotness: Brittny Gastineau. Trust me. She's got some awfully big tits.

ten reasons why dogs are AWESOME.

the ten worst sex stories we've ever heard.

how about an mma lesson... from two hot chicks.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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