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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 22, 2010

September 22, 2010

I Can Assure You That Bugs At 75MPH Hurt Like A Motherfucker.

Attention fellow motorcycle riders: particularly you cruiser guys. Each year Victory Motorcycles loads up three tractor-trailers with their latest and great models, and tours the country, stopping off at different dealers each day. Once there, they set up all the bikes and offer free demo rides. And when I say demo ride, I don't mean, "have fun riding around the parking lot," I mean demo ride like, "here is the key, see you in an hour or so." Unfortunately they're not coming down by me this year, but for those of you near one of the scheduled destinations, it's a great day of free riding. When I did go last year, I made it out on five different bikes, and literally pissed my pants from having so much fun. Factory reps also passed out $1,000 vouchers in case you happen to be bitten by the new bike bug. Just food for thought. Shit, if nothing else, it's a great way to kill a day.

Old and busted: Steve Miller, The Gangster of Love. The new hotness: Steve Miller, The Gangster of Divorce.

It's been awhile since we had a game challenge, hasn't it? So this morning I figured what the fuck and set out for a new game, paying particular attention to sequels to games that I've featured previously since I know they do well. And what did I find? Polygon Reloaded. L:ike the original, you're going to need two hands for this one... your left hand on the keyboard for movement and your right hand on the mouse for aiming. Remember to use your spacebar when things get shitty, as it 'slows down time'. So what's the score to beat? That would be 129,300 on the wave level.

Hi Ernie, Thought you'd get a kick out of this. The award recipient is a breakfast TV host here in NZ, and is famous for putting his foot in his mouth. Example: earlier this year he interviewed a woman from Greenpeace, and then the rest of the show discussing her mustache with co-presenters, other guests etc. You either love him or hate him (personally I think he's piss-funny), but a lot of people REALLY hate him. The link below shows his acceptance speech at some crappy NZ awards show this Sunday - funnily enough, for a People's Choice award. Go figure. Anyhoo, this is destined to go down in history as one of the greatest acceptance speeches of all time. Watch to the end and you'll see what I mean. Love the site man, keep it up. Stuart

From Grand Theft Orgy to Quantum Deep to Whorecraft, one of the most enduring sub-genres of quality pornography has always been the porn parody – paying homage to (and, ahem, cashing in on) mainstream media franchises for some naughty, hardcore action. At very least, it’s not another installment of the Scary Movie franchise. As a rule, if people are talking or acting then it doesn’t quite count as proper pornography in my book – however, for these upmarket efforts, we’ll make an exception! Here are the best porn movie titles based on original feature films. By the way, I got dibs on San Fernando Jones and the Temple of Poon, and you can have Raiders of the Lost Arse because I'm pretty sure that last one is gay.

Ernie, While it's amusing that an animal rights protester burned himself to death outside a Portland, Oregon fur store last January, your submitter missed the real comedy gold of the story. One of the first police officers responding to the scene intending to grab a fire extinguisher from the trunk of her cruiser unintionally deployed a pepper spray canister instead. Burned and seasoned. Smells like barbecue. My google skills are weak today, can't find the story to back this up. Regards, Dennis

Hi Ernie -- We at The Scores Report appreciate your links, and I thought I'd let you know that we just added another cheerleader post. Thanks again, John P.

This blond beauty here is Danish glamour model Malene Espensen, she’s the face and body of Big D peanuts (their awesome slogan is ‘big and delicious’), which are sold in the UK. She has regularly appeared in British men's mags such as FHM and Loaded as well as the Playboy Special Editions magazine. Malene has appeared on Page Three of various English national newspapers such as the Sun and making many appearances in the Daily Star. Ironically, D-sized nuts are small potatoes next to Malene's, which are size FF. P.S. I love you Malene.

Ernie, Long time reader and fan. I have attached a number of photos taken recently in our community out here in Stevenson Ranch California, a small suburb of Los Angeles. One of our young men, a neighbor of mine since he was in elementary school, did not make it back from Afghanistan. From what we have heard, he was manning the .50 cal topside in a Humvee that was hit by an IED. He was the only one killed and was usually the driver not the gunner. According to another neighbor who did three combat tours in Iraq (and is like a son to me), he and a few of his fellow Marines made such an impression on Ian at a block party our street threw honoring them on their return from the first combat tour, Ian joined up and became a paratrooper. On the day of the procession it was estimated that 5,000 to 6,000 people lined the streets for the procession. Our community totals about 10,000 and just in sight of these photos I estimated 1000 to 2000 people young and old. Here is also a link to our local paper and a story on the day. Most touching was the addition of dozens of the small flags at the community entrance and in front of the Gelig household as folks walked home. Based on your hard work on LBEH and support of the troops, I thought you might be interested to see that even in Southern California we can come together to honor our heroes. One last thought on LBEH; last year I made a donation in honor of my Dad (a proud veteran) as a Christmas gift to him. Next year maybe you could market that aspect of potential donations. He was thrilled with the gift. Thanks for all of the hard work. Hope I did this right, my tech skills leave a lot to be desired. Paul A.

Old and busted: stealing plants on your way to get a Paris Hilton special. The new hotness: stealing disability scooters to ride and get your Lady Gaga special.

i'll take two mastercards and a visa, please.

twenty-four pictures of babes eating. you're welcome, fatty.

now reggie bush is injured: are kim kardashian's ex-boyfriends cursed?

their planes and their courage was all that stood between britain and nazi domination.