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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 27, 2010
September 27, 2010

Resident Evil Afterlife Sucked Major Donkey Cock.

I have seen some horrible movies in my time, but this piece of shit is in a class of its own. Fortunately, I had the common sense to NOT see the one in 3-D, otherwise the theatre would have filled with so much suck, I'd have probably suffocated before making it to the fire exit. I would begin by telling you how completely stupid the opening scenes are, when an Umbrella Corporation headquarters is overrun by dozens of replicant Alice's -- the stupidity of which I haven't seen the likes of since the Agent Smith/Neo park fight scene. But if I were to delve into that right now, I'd never fucking finish; so let's advance time a little to where the Lead Bad Umbrella Guy (LBUG) escapes by hitching a ride in a futuristic V-22 Osprey, is attacked by the one true Alice and subsequently injects her with a syringe that strips her of her super powers and reduces her back to mere a mortal human. The plane then promptly flies into the side of a fucking mountain, exploding in a huge fucking fireball. Where now human Alice simply walks away. With nothing more than a slight cough.

And then, some asshole at Sony/Columbia made the brilliant connection that if 3-D effects are cool -- they're not -- and slow motion effects are cool -- which they sometimes can be -- than slow motion 3-D effects must be the fucking balls. Guess what? They're not. In fact, they're downright laughable. Enter here, Burlap Sack Guy (BSG). An apparent mutation supergiant thanks so the T-virus, BSG is about ten feet tall and yields a huge fucking axe/hammer so goddamn big that he has to drag the motherfucking thing behind him. And yet when required, BSG has no problem mustering the strength to not only pick this one ton hunk of steel up, but swing it with enough force to smash down a reinforced prison gate, but then cleave some poor bastard in half who did nothing more than reminded me of Lloyd from Entourage. At some point BSG winds up face down on the shower floor, facing away from our two heroines Milla Jovovich and uber-hottie Ali Larter. He then pushes himself up to his knees, picks up this one ton axe and throws it behind himself -- that's the scene you see in the previews where the two chicks duck as a huge fucking axe sails over their head. Just to get the physics right, that would be the equivilent to me picking up and throwing a 625lb axe -- roid me up all you want, the shit ain't gonna happen.

I could go on more and more but suffice to say that this zombie movie didn't have much in the way of zombies. At least not in the traditional sense, unless you consider the big open faced vampires from Blade 2 to be zombies. Yeah, I don't either. As the plot stumbled slowly and mindlessly along the way a real zombie would, we're treated to a rematch between Alice and the LBUG, who we learn survived the opening plane crash as well. Of course, right? I guess they just don't crash planes like they used to. In short, Afterlife brings absolutely nothing new to the table, instead consisting of rehashed parts of The Matrix, Blade 2, and SUCK. And I don't know exactly when, but sometime over the last five years, the idea of zombies has been hijacked. Zombies used to be slow moving dead people incapable of thinking. Now they've become fast moving, rage fueled, intelligent and calculating. What the fuck? Hopefully, AMC's upcoming series The Walking Dead will restore some balance to the Force. I'm certainly cheering for them. We've all seen the previews, including the one scene where a guy vacated a zombies brains with a Colt Python. Here's a behind the scenes clip on how they filmed that, by the way.

Ernie, I was able to track down the press conference related to the "burning man" incident. BeirutVet

Well I had a great day and a very busy day we had 549 shooters come through in eight hours I stayed busy on the range the whole time. But the way it is set up it looks like you never see more than like 50 people at a time the way it is spread out. I never even got to touch my pistol today so i am going back in the morning to shoot the match. R. Lee Ermey "The Gunny" was there all day but they spent most of the the day filming footage for his tv show. The camera crew rapped up at 4:30 pm and it is a real casual atmoshere at the match and after filming Gunny was just setting on a picknic table talking to match staff. I got to talk to him for 45 minutes and we talked about are favorite shows on the history channel and he showed me pictures of his new Marine chopper and he is bulding a Glock chopper that he will debut at the next S.H.O.T. show in Las Vegas. He is really a nice Guy talks to you like he has known you for twenty years. JBP

Game challenge. Polygon Reloaded. Coming in at second place is John with 1,241,700 -- a guy that i thought was going to walk away with it. That is until I received Aakash and his whopping 1,263,500. New challenge this week!

By now we've all seen or heard the Katy Perry clip where her and her cleavage were perma-banned from Sesame Street. Fortunately for those of us who are lifelong members of the Katy Perry's Cleavage Fan Club, she followed up her appearance on Sesame Street by hosting Saturday Night Live, where she came out in a ripped Elmo shirt and bounces up and down a few times. Yeah, somtimes life treats you right.

Hi Ernie, I'll keep it as quick as possible. I have two things that may interest you, and if not, no sweat. First, woodys-smokehouse.com. They have amazing jerky (the pork jerky tastes almost like bacon flavored jerky) and a portion of all of their internet sales goes to a jerky fund where they send out jerky to troops deployed overseas twice a year. Second, vaccine-a.com. This is a book about medical experimentation done on our own soldiers by DoD. I would be skeptical as hell, except that I am one of the guys that got this vaccine, and it has caused massive medical issues for me and many others. I will try to make a donation this year to LBEH, and I will see what I can do about the animals, but as I just now got my disability pay to come through after several long years of fighting for it, and my family and I are still having to stay with family members, cash is very very tight. Keep up the good work. Joel

While Sci-Fi/Fantasy is usually well known for it’s amazing graphics, creative storytelling and outstanding special effects, there is also another component that makes this genre successful: Beautiful Women. In honor of the lovely ladies who sometimes make these films worth seeing, we’ve comprised a list. So take a journey with us through space, the underworld and even Middle Earth as we count down the fifty hottest women of sci-fi/fantasy. or as I call it, forty-nine women who aren't as hot as Kate Beckinsale. On a side note, did anyone else know that Minka Harker is really a blonde?

Hey Ernie, This is the first time I have had a original picture to submit to you. My buddy took this with his cell phone Tuesday morning, September 22, 2010 on I40W headed into Nashville, TN. A couple of miles ahead the truck to the split onto I24E which goes to Chattanooga / Atlanta, etc. I am not sure why an F16 is on a trailer; but I have to think that it is a museum piece. It looks in good shape body wise; but has no engine and is on a trailer. I would think that they could have flown it to another base if it was still an active fighter; however, I am not sure. I only know that she sure is pretty.even with her wings off and sitting in front of her. Sincerely, Richard

I have a poker question for all you poker studs out there. if three of a kind beats two of a kind, and four of a kind beats three of a kind, then what beats four of a kind? A Royal flush, right? But what about five of a kind?

Animal rights activist protests the lassoing and dragging of cattle by rushing into the ring and interrupting the rodeo. How does this end? Hint: it involves lassoing and dragging, but not of the cattle. Yee-haw!

tea party takes over comics page.

a pictorial tribute to the beautiful usc song girls.

video of nfl cheerleaders on trampolines. you're welcome.

boys and girls, is why you should do well in school. definitely NSFW.


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