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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 28, 2010
September 28, 2010

So Long, George Blanda. We Hardly Knew Ye.

George Frederick Blanda was a collegiate and professional football quarterback and placekicker. The son of a Czech-born Pittsburgh-area coal miner, Blanda has the distinction of having played 26 seasons of professional football, the most in the sport's history, and had scored more points than anyone in history at the time of his retirement. During that first 1967 season, his kicking skills helped him lead the AFL in scoring with 116 points. In two instances, his leg helped play a role in Raider victories: a trio of field goals helped upset the defending league champion Kansas City Chiefs on October 1st; in the closing weeks of the regular season, Blanda booted four field goals behind a hostile Houston crowd in a 19–7 victory over his former team, the Oilers, helping gain a measure of revenge. The Raiders went on to compete in Super Bowl II, but the following two seasons ended in heartbreak as they lost the final two AFL Championship games in the 10-year history of the league. At age 43, he became the oldest quarterback ever to play in a championship game, and was one of the few remaining straight-ahead kickers in the NFL. Blanda's achievements resulted in his winning the Bert Bell Award. Chiefs' owner Lamar Hunt said, "Why, this George Blanda is as good as his father, who used to play for Houston." Although he never again played a major role at quarterback, Blanda would serve as the Raiders' kicker for five more seasons. He played in his last game at Pittsburgh's Three Rivers Stadium on January 4, 1976, at age 48, in the 1975 AFC Championship Game, where he kicked a 41-yard field goal and made one extra point as the Raiders lost to the Steelers 16-10. Blanda retired from pro football in 1976. According to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Blanda died after a "short illness" on September, 27 2010. He was 83 years old. A moment of silence was held in Blanda's honor prior to the start of the September 27, 2010 game betweeen the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football, from Soldier Field.

Now if we can just get Al Davis to follow you, we might get a decent draft pick next year.

Steel towns throughout the Midwest and Northeast tend to have insanely loyal sports fans, presumably because the collapse of the steel industry in the 1970s means there's literally nothing else to be proud of in the area. Slap Shot was a movie designed to inspire and touch the heart of the working class man in the rust belt, but Mother Nature stepped in and said, "No, fuck that. He gets nothing." The film, released in February of 1977 was a thinly veiled homage to the Johnstown Jets who were a phenomenally good team despite their economic circumstances. Then, in July of 1977 massive floods killed 85 people in Johnstown and destroyed the ice rink, causing the team to collapse. For anyone who's not good at math, the team was destroyed just four months after the movie came out honoring them. And it gets worse.

Old and busted: Elmo breaking Katy Perry's reputation. The new hotness: Elmo breaking a guy's fingers.

Ernie, I've been a fan of your site from the first time I stumbled upon it. I have always been a bit of a prankster and enjoy a good laugh. To that end, let me share one with you. I work with a retired police officer who is working a second career. After months of trying to coordinate things so that he could work in our office, the beaurocrats won and he ended up assigned to another office across town. He was not very happy and his new co-workers knew it. To welcome him, they gave him, of all things, a rubber chicken. Not just any rubber chicken but one with bunny ears, cotton tail and a pink bikini with white polka dots...oh ya, and hooker shoes. He was elated to receive the gift. He is big on comoradere and being given a gift like this helped him feel that he was part of the new office.

Then, the fateful day came...Henrietta, as she had come to be known, was chicken napped by an unknown perpetrator. He was livid. He became so difficult to work with, people started calling and emailing me (at the time, I was not involved) thinking I had done it. It seems I had already developed a bit of a reputation for my pranks. While I did not know who did it, I quickly got onboard with the prank. From a computer, I sent him a text message to his work cell phone. I identified myself only as "The Colonel" and said I had Henrietta and would be keeping her until such time as I saw fit to return her. It was anonymous and he had no way to trace who sent it. He called (******) and told them he was in law enforcement and he needed to know where the text originated from and he needed to know immediately. He was informed that it would cost him $50 or a subpoena. Being a tight wad and not really willing to file a report on a kidnapped rubber chicken, he seethed further. At one point, someone tried to replace Henrietta with a substitute but this one had a purple one piece with white polka dots, no ears, no tail and no hooker shoes. He became crazed, trying everything he could think of to figure out what had happened. Suddenly, in the dark of night, his second chicken was spirited out of the office. Then, the anonymous pictures started rolling in (by this time, I had somehow ended up with Henrietta). First there were pictures of Henrietta at local landmarks, then out of town, then out of state. The pictures were sent via dozens of emails over a 6 month period of time. There were about 20 people, him included, who were contacted from a mysterious gmail account under the name of KFCXTRAKRISPY and signed by "The Colonel". At one point, he sent this pleading email to “The Colonel”:

Colonel, I will be out of town for 4 weeks. If you have a shred of decency left in your all white meat body then you will find a way to reunite me with my friend while I am away. I am fully aware of your prowess and stealth in these matters and am also fully aware that you could make reunification happen while I am at the school if you want. My heart has been broken for so long that it has turned to a cold, hardened mass of stone. Please help return it to the soft, mushy mess it used to be before it is too late. I beseech you to intervene with the evil perpetrators of this diabolical undertaking and help make it right. There might even be a cigar in it for you. Poder el pollo dios haber conmiseracion encendido tus animo.

This prank lasted several months. With every email he became increasingly grumpy but ultimately, Henrietta was returned with great fanfare. We frequented a Viet Namese place that served greqt Pho'. I got there 45 minutes early and let the owner in on the gag. He agreed to purposely make my friend wait till everyone else was served and started eating. Then he and his entire staff brought Henrietta out on a platter with parsley and onions (my friend hated both). Attached are some of the photos. BeirutVet

An innocent-looking fruit vendor sells a family a puppy -- a Satanic puppy! The dog kills their pious maid and transforms the entire family into devil worshipers. The father goes to Ecuador to find a mystical weapon to destroy the dog. Witness the madness AWESOMENESS of this made for TV movie, 'Devil Dog: The Hound From Hell'.

Don't know much about religion? You're not alone, study finds. But in the spirit of 'know thine enemy' I do my best to keep abreast on organized relision and managed to score a 9 out of 10. Stupid Lutherans.

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