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Ernie's House of Whoopass! October 07, 2010
October 07, 2010

Here Are Some Things I Can't Believe Happen.

I can't believe that a Harley Davidson doesn't float. Not even a little bit.

I can't believe the number of girls who film themselves pole dancing. Now hold on just a cotton pickin minute here. This isn't just another video of a chick trying to pole dance and inevitably falling on her head in a spine crushing crumble of coconut body spray and ridiculously tall high heels. When was the last time you saw a pole dance go off without a hitch? Even better, when was the last time you saw a pole dance go off without a hitch, by the girl wielding a ninja sword? Well, if you're in a dry streak in that regard, let it be henceforth broken. You're welcome.

I can't believe this dog's owner wasn't as loyal to his dog, as his dog was to him.

I can't believe that people still go crazy over Denise Milani. I mean yes, she's absolutely beautiful and has an amazing body. But. I'd love the chance to ask her a very important question: Denise my love, when are you going to take your fucking top off for real? Enough with this teasing shit, let's see the fucking goods already. It's no wonder your domain has been hijacked -- people are pissed! Sure, you won it back in a big expensive lawsuit but that's not going to stop the animosity from the public at large. I find your lack of titty exposure very annoying. Likewise, it still amazes me that people are still all up and excited about Christina Hendricks. Oh she's a readhead, oh she's got big tits. Well two things to remember folks: first, she won't show hers either. And secondly, while yes she does have her moments keep in mind that this is how she looks before the makeup artists and wardrobe techs get a hold of her. Yeah, beat off to that, I dare you.

I can't believe anyone finds Monty Python funny, or this girl doesn't have car insurance, or this girl can be so culturally insensitive to Native Americans.

I've been going to your site for over a year now and i still love it. I have referred many people to it. Anyways I was wondering if you have the link for the guy that was killed, cut apart, sectioned off and grilled by some humanity group. Keep up the great work. Ben

(link is here and the backstory was clarified in this May 2010 email) Hey Ernie - Those uniforms are Por-Tek-Tung, they're the meat wagon in Thailand. I spent a month over there working in a hospital and got to know a few of them. Their main function is to pick up dead bodies and bring them to monasteries, sometimes that means from hospitals, a lot of the time in means from road accidents. Definitely not into eating people, they do it as a volunteer service to win merit with Buddha. That looks like n anatomy training course for the ones who respond to live victims. Those dudes roll *hard*. They brought a cobra bite victim and the cobra in (alive) so we'd know what bit him, then they disappeared with the snake. I went out for a smoke 20 minutes later and they were eating it after cooking it on their engine block. -Tony

I can't believe that it took this long for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to give up on those stupid ass Disney flicks and go back to what he was born to do -- motherfucking action movies! Because Faster! looks motherfucking AWESOME.

I can't believe that a fucking Senetorial candidate began a campaign commercial by saying, "I am not a witch." Are you fucking kidding me? How batshit crazy do you have to be to see this video play up on a conference room monitor and say, "Yep, let's green light that. That's the message we want to send." For Christ's sake this is America and the year is 2010, not Salem, Massachusetts in 1692. The only thing I find more unbelievable than this is knowing somewhere out there are people who will be even more batshit crazy to vote for her.

I can't believe that in any way, shape or form, Milla Jovovich would fuck Robert Deniro. Not in my world, anyway.

Ernie, Thought you might find the humor in this... an anchor at one of our local news stations (KDLT in Sioux Falls, SD) obviously wanted to send a message to someone, so while on air he decided to flip the double Hawaiian peace sign to the viewers. I note that his name is no longer found on their website, and was even pulled from the Wikipedia page, so I'm guessing management wasn't too impressed with his on-air antics. Later, Craig

I'll be right back, going to the hardware store to see if they have any more of these bolts. Jon

I can't believe Germans are the universal bad guys, or how much this must have hurt.

I can't believe that firefighters let a family's home burn to the ground because they didn't pay a $75 fire protection fee. Someone should send that mayor a strongly worded email.

I can't believe Nicholas Cage is still getting work. You want to talk about a guy who went from just about fucking owned Hollywood in the late 1990's to wanting to star in the action remake of Schlindler's List, called Schlindler's Fist (or Schlindler's Pissed?)

But I CAN believe that a fundamental law of human nature is that people of every color, creed and nationality want to see boobies as much as possible. In their effort to control all aspects of life in their countries, governments with too much power often seek to limit people’s access to good old-fashioned boobage. But of course what’s actually important is the porn. So here are fifteen countries and where they rank in relative tata-tacularness.

don't just define a word... let's SUPER define it!

'espn: the magazine' body issue: ranking the nearly nude photos.

the full duke university "fuck list" thesis from a former female student. mostly sfw.


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