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Ernie's House of Whoopass! October 18, 2010
October 18, 2010

Please, No "You Were A Little Hard On The Beaver" Jokes.

A little bit of Barbara Billingsley that I didn't know until today? Remember the, "Oh stewardess I speak jive," scene from Airplane? Yeah, that was her. Huh. So long June Cleaver, we hardly knew ye.

The Cleaver family reminds us of times when good wholesome American families were the norm. You know, like A Christmas Story: "Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind." And as a purveyor of profanity -- especially the f-word -- I found this video to be completely fucking awesome. Warning: you're going to need eye bleach for about 0.5 seconds around the 1:13 mark, but it's worth it to see a ten year old say, "Don't fuck with my queer daddies." And if you didn't think someone had to work hard to string those two subjjects together, just think about porn and dead babies.

Anyway. While doing my best not to jinx anything, it looks like the 2010 Hurricane season is going to come to a close without any major storms making landfall. I know that it isn't officially over until the end of November but so far so good, especially since a big storm in the Gulf of Mexico could have caused a lot oil damage to our beautiful coastlines. So barring a dramatic change for the worst, we should escape this season unscathed. One thing has always troubled me though: given Florida is one of the most storm-frequented spots in the country, why the hell didn't they bury the utility lines underground to make them a more hurricane proof?

Hey Ernie, Not sure if you made it over to Daytona for Biketoberfest but here's some pics from the wet t-shirt contest at Dirty Harry's you might be able to use. Rob

Hey uh, is that Mandy Moore on the cover of this month's Glamour magazine?

Michael J. Fox and Lea Thompson hang with the DeLorean 25 years later. Plus, memories of shooting the film, and Thompson tears up at Fox's tribute to her performance. Man, I had such a hardon for Lea Thompson.

Old and busted: Billy Zane slipping into a deep depression after getting dumped by Kelly Brook. The new hotness: Jim Carey throwing himself into a volcano after getting dumped by Jenny McCarthy. Now with MILFy video goodness. I'm sorry to have to tell you this Mr Carey, but you are not the father.

Hi there Ernie. I thought you might like this one! The Astonishing City of Sciences and Arts. There are not many places you can visit on Earth that enable you to imagine that you have been transported to a city of the future or, indeed, to an alien culture many light years away from our third rock from the sun. However, the City of Arts and Sciences is just that sort of place. Thanks! RJ

Not that DeSean Jackson is going to remember any of this but Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Marisa Miller is teaming up with the National Football League. The supermodel has signed on as the spokesperson for the NFL's 2010-2011 season. "I'm so excited to have this incredible opportunity to partner with the NFL," Miller says. "I've grown up watching football my whole life." Which is ironic, since I've grown up watching Marisa Miller my whole life.

Thanks to a prank double-cross, an attempted headshot is converted to a nutshot as one member of this trio quickly learns that he’s the unnecessary one in the group.

Hey Ernie, love the site. I saw in today's update the pics of your site being banned in Saudi Arabia. It showed up as banned in Kuwait and Iraq too when I used Internet Explorer or Firefox, but for some reason if I used AOL while there it slipped past the ban somehow and I was able to follow your site the whole year I was there. Thankfully!! SGT Dave

This is a good reason to break out the bomb disposal suit. This is not a good reason to break out the bomb disposal suit. Of course, there's no need wither way just so long as you're riding in either Cadillac One or the EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle.

Oh. And ladies always shave your armpits, otherwise this will happen to you.

the legendary saga of officer bubbles.

u.s. cities with the most drunk driving offenders.

beyond the table: tipping properly in every food scenario.

'the horde' has been described as the 'die hard' of zombie flicks.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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