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Ernie's House of Whoopass! November 08, 2010
November 08, 2010

You Know It's Bad When A Shelter Dog Recognizes You.

Just in case you haven't wept recently, here's a video tribute to Jason Wood's last minutes with Oden, his a three legged pooch who recently lost his battle with cancer.

So I swung by Pet Smart this past weekend -- yeah the one that cornholed me for $3 before -- and is the usual fare for Sundays, the local animal shelter had brought some dogs by hoping to drum up a few adoptions. And while La Casa del Ernie has a two pooch limit, I always do my best to stop by, scratch a few ears and drop a few bucks in the donations bucket. As I walked past the rows of cars parked in front of Pet Smart, you can always spot the vehicles driven by the shelter volunteers. They're big, usually SUVs or minivans, and the ass end of them is always covered with bumper stickers urging to you to ADOPT NOT BUY and RESCUE A PET TODAY and BE A FRIEND TO GREYHOUNDS and Bob Barker's personal favorite, SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS. I crossed the short two lane distance between me and the curbside step up to the storefront, and was greeted by a familiar scene. Volunteers sitting in lawn chairs, hanging on to leashes that drooped down to a wide array of different breed dogs. Those sitting in the sun had their tongues hanging out (both man and beast like), and those tucked away in the shade under the Pet Smart overhang were wearing jackets. Yes, jackets, because hey it "gets down" to 60 degrees here in Florida during the winter, am I right?

Some of the dogs already had small crowd around them, soaking up the attention from strangers as friendly human hands scratched, patted, rubbed and tickled. One woman was fawning over a tiny chihuahua that shook so badly it reminded me of an old Harley Davidson I had passed on the way here. A few feet down from her, a small girl in an Elmo jacket bearhugged a Doberman Pincher with uncropped ears. Both seemed to be smiling quite contently. And there halfway down the row of dog crates, was my Jellybean.

I say 'my' Jellybean because she's been stuck at the shelter for about two years now and has actually begun to recognize me when I walk up. She's been adopted out before, but no one really knows how to handle her. And I don't want to give you the impression that she's some fierce beast; quite the opposite actually. She's lovable, gentle, friendly to strangers, great with kids, isn't put off by wheelchairs, you name it. She's about 40lbs or so, not too big, not too small. Wicked smart. Assuming you don't have any goddamn cats, she's more or less the perfect dog. Except. She likes to run. And brother, I mean run. Jellybean has been adopted out before, with the new owner being given the caveat that she's an excape artist and likes to run. So what does the guy do? Sticks her in his fenced in back yard and goes back inside to watch TV. Of course she escapes and runs around the neighborhood (thanksfully not getting squashed by a car in the process) before turning back on the front doorstep an hour later. This happens like two or three times, before the guy finally givces up and brings her back to the shelter. What an asshole.

So help me God if I didn't have two dogs already, this post would be about the new dog I just adopted named Jellybean. All she needs is a strong personality to follow and a big yard to run in. Or maybe someone to jog with. So if you're down here in Southwest Florida and are looking for a pooch, I'll beg, borrow or steal to get you to give Jellybean a chance. In fact, if you can give Jellybean a good home, I'll split the adoption fee with you.

A coworker put this on my desk this afternoon... I originally emailed this cock & balls cheeto pic to my wife. I was thinking she would find it slightly amusing given the Brett Favre Saga over the last couple of weeks. I'm guessing she didn't like my email subject header... "My cock & balls for your viewing enjoyment". How can you be offended by a cheeto cock & balls?! She still isn't returning my calls. Curtis

Howdy. I'd like to get the info about that coupon subscription website. I'm a Publix shopper. So maybe I could save a few bucks. Thanks in advance. I love all things Zombie. I loved "The Walking Dead." I've watched the pilot three times, so far. I missed a few things the first time. Like the fact that the main guy's wife was off screwing the other guy. I don't totally understand why the show started off with the deputy shooting the little zombie. Also, I guess the deputy stayed alive during the infestation because his "partner" and wife took care of him until they had to split. I love Left for Dead 1 and 2, both Zombie games. Best Zombie book: I Am Legend. That's what the Will Smith movie was based on. Charlton Heston also had a movie based on that novel. I downloaded the original book as an audio book. It was fantastic. Give it a try. I'm sure that you have ways to get a way to download it. I love your site. I've been a fan for years. Thanks for the tits! Kevin, Plantation, Fl

Point of contact for a coupon subscription is Mike Coker, at ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED-695-3636 ext.124 - tell him I sent you and he should be able to hook you up with subscriptions for $20, instead of the usual $100. Then you can get all super stingy like me.

In my eyes, the Wheel of Fortune has long since been old and busted. I dunno if that's just because it's been on for so fucking long, or because I can never ever solve the fucking puzzles before some other asshole shouts out the answer. In fact, I always feel like this guy in the middle.

Ernie, Good looking out in regards to the AMC show "Walking Dead." My only complaints, and they're minor, is it spent a lot of time establishing the sense of dread. The scene was set and then the black guy clued main guy into what's going on pretty quickly. I enjoy the show, but I hope they can more linear formats without the pacing issues. Here's hoping and I'll be checking out the next episode(s). Thanks, J

Ernie, great site, here are a couple pics of a lower receiver i just assembled for my AR-15. it is a Spikes Tactical lower I found at a gun show, unfortunately it is not available on there website. Enjoy, Chris

Mick started his Sexy Cowgirls Hot 100 about four months ago and gave up at 60 pictures when he ran out of hotties in hats but after seeing a gang of cute cowgirls prowling the pubs and clubs on Halloween, pulled his finger out his ass and got it finished.

On August 13th 2010, Walter Breuning gave an exclusive interview before his 114th birthday on Sept. 21st. Born in 1896, He has lived in 3 different centuries. Walter recounts memories and gives his advice on a few topics including his most memorable event, inventions, WWI, and advice to youth.

the cast from back to the future: where are they now?

did anyone else not know there's a documentary on donkey kong?

old and busted: glock torture test. the new hotness: hi-point torture test.

townsfolk of weston, missouri: 1 - the douchebags from westboro baptist church: 0.

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