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Ernie's House of Whoopass! November 22, 2010
November 22, 2010

I Know It Was You Fredo. You Broke My Heart.

Many, many moons ago, when dating sites were first in their infancy, I remember reading a list of suggested questions to pose to someone on a first date. They were generally thought provoking and I think were a primitive form of the super-double-dog-we'll-match you shit that eharmony has going now. One of those questions has always stuck in my head: Can you understand the other side of the abortion debate? I thought that was a deep and insightful question, not that I would actually spring that on some chick during our first date, lest she think I'm a fucking lunatic. But still, great question. Sure, I could understand how a person of faith could believe that life begins at conception. I don't agree with it and I don't share the same view, but can certainly empathize with those who believe it. And while I know the original author never intended to, that one question left a lasting impression as over the course of the next several years my knees steadily progressed from being ninja-quit to snapping and popping when I stood up.

As the last two years have unfolded before us, there have been many events that will have lasting effects and shape out society for years to come: illegal immigration, universal healthcare, the oil spills and environment, wars and terrorism just to name a few. Sometimes decisions were made that I agreed with, and sometimes decisions were made that I vehemently opposed, right along with all that grey area in the middle. And whenever the chips didn't fall in a fashion that I would have liked them to, I always tried to step back and remind myself to consider that opposing side to the abortion debate. I don't have to agree, I just have to understand, right?

And I'm not an alarmist, either. I can't stand people who make such illogical and fantastic leaps to conclusion that you have to sit back and wonder if they've skipped that mornings medication. I remember sitting at the ESPN bar with a couple of friends back in early 2009 and overhearing a Florida Cracker a few barstools down, "They won't take our guns man, no they're too smart for that. Won't make them illegal, no. But the bullets man, they'll make those illegal. That's how they'll back door us." I stared at him with the same dumbfounded look on my face as if he had just declared to the whole bar that the shooter on the grassy knoll was none other than Richard Simmons.

With that groundwork being laid, let me now officially address the latest hub-bub about the TSA 'enhanced pat down' procedures, and perhaps even more importantly, Obama's support for the TSA stating the invasive procedures are, "frustrating but necessary".

Every since 2001, people have been bitching about the TSA. But those incidents usually came in infrequent spurts. There was the Penn Jillette encounter from 2002. And then the Marine casualty escort from 2006, followed closely by the woman whose tits were pulled out in 2008. And right before these enhanced pat downs came into play, the TSA kicked ass and saved us from a 4 year old in leg braces earlier this year.

Which it wouldn't be so bad if these were private companies we could complain about. But they're not. They're the gov'mint. You can't fight the gov'mint. Stand up for your rights against a TSA representative, get threatened with fines. What's that, TSA guy won't stop groping your son? Better not raise your voice, better to just yank off the kid's shirt so the TSA douchebag can see that bombmaking doesn't rank up there with Sponge Bob Squarepants on your kid's to-do list. Christ, we teach these kids not to let strangers touch them in their 'special places' and then along comes the TSA doing exactly that. Sorry kid, tough shit. Now I don't know if I believe this story about soldier returning home from deployment -- carrying a rifles and handgun -- but is forced to turn over a set of nailclipers. But I certainly do believe this retired teacher left covered in his own urine and this cancer survivor had to to pull out her prosthetic breast. Sorry guys, tough shit, we're the TSA. Meanwhile, are our legislators subjected to the same invasion of privacy? Uh, no. Well, not really anyway.

As this drones on, I hope more airports follow Orlando Airport in shit canning the TSA and hiring their own private security company. Same procedures, sure but if you complain about a private security company, get satisfaction. Complain about the TSA, tough shit. Or even better yet, do the voodoo the Jews do.

How do you know our airport procedures are fucked up? I'll give you a few clues. To get spoofed by American comedians, is par for the course. But when you get spoofed by Japanese comedians along with the old ol Taiwanese treatment? it's time for some self reflection on what the TSA really stands for. But I'll tell you this. Such a blatant violation of civil liberties should never be tolerated under any circumstances, no matter what the justification. So with all due respect, fuck you, Mr. President, you broke my heart.

Had to laugh at this one! Is she speaking in tongues or Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? Personally, I think Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! But that's just me. LOL. Woody. [EXTREMELY NSFW LINK]

Why. The. Fuck. Didn't my dad build THIS for me when I was a kid? No, not one of those, I'm talking about one of these.

One of the most underrated movies of the 90's? Joe Dirt. That horse riding scene with Brittany Daniel almost made me want to change my name to Joe. And it appears she hasn't lost her touch, either.

Ernie, Saw this gem rolling around my neighborhood yesterday and pondered, what can brown do for you? Looks like UPS is making cutbacks also... Enjoy!! The Hoff

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