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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 07, 2011
January 07, 2011

Before The System Fucks You, Big Bird.

Police are on the hunt for a man who held up a Manassas convenience shop with a very large stick! In the video you can see suspect burst into the super market on Liberia Avenue just after 6:30am Tuesday. The 58-year-old clerk then grabbed a hammer. The two had a standoff for about a minute before the stick-wielding suspect jumped the counter and knocked the clerk down, hitting him several times in the face. After the wrestling, the suspect grabbed some cash and ran out the back door. Anyone with information is asked to give Benny Hill a call.

"California Girls" is a song by American rock band The Beach Boys, featured on their ninth studio album Summer Days (And Summer Nights!!). Written by band-members Brian Wilson (who conceived the song during an LSD trip) and Mike Love, the song features contrasting verse-chorus form. Upon its release as a single, "California Girls" reached number three on the Billboard Hot 100. It is one of The Beach Boys' most famous songs and has been included on countless greatest hits compilations. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame included the song in its of the "500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll". In 2004, Rolling Stone magazine ranked it 71st on its list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. In 1985, the singer of heavy metal group Van Halen, David Lee Roth, recorded a cover of "California Girls". His cover also peaked at number three on the Billboard charts.

A recent Australian court case has seen a burqa wearing woman convicted of making a false complaint against a police officer. She claimed a policeman tried to remove her burqa to check her identity, but the official video proved her claims to be false. Her claims of racist behaviour were also dismissed. What a cunt. So is her lawyer, in my opinion (as one who has been at the receiving end of such a false accusation). Ex-Commando

This is a sad excuse for a snowman. Just look at the sloppy way it was made. The pieces of snow aren't even round. No doubt the worst snowman I have ever seen. Greg

Hi Ernie, How's it goin', brother? I've been meaning to ask you, do you have a Boston accent? Every day I read your screed and try to imagine if you got a Southie accent, or a high Boston lilt, or a Kennedy? (Actually, no one talks like that family!) Should I be ignoring a few Rs in the future? Cheers, Charley

Believe it or not, no I don't have a Bahston accent. Well, at least not normally. When I still lived there and had a couple of drinks under my belt I did occasionally suggest we all head off to the bah (bar) for more drinks. But as far as the famous "Pahk yah cah at Hahvahd Yahd?" That's all bullshit. Nobody really talks that way, even up there where it's cold and snowy. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have a unique advantage when trying to speak with Massachusetts accents though; they just speak. Affleck was born in California but was raised in Cambridge, Massachusetts and Damon was born and raised in downtown Boston. And like one Youtube commenter noted, people from Massachusetts can spot a fake Mass accent a mile away. I guess the best example would be Ken Howard when he plays the chick's father on Crossing Jordan. His fucking 'accent' is HORRIBLE and I cringe whenever I hear it. I tried to find a Youtube clip, but no dice. But on the flip side, Leonardo DiCaprio has can pull off an absolutely fucking PERFECT Boston accent -- both in The Departed and Shutter Island. And I mean perfect like I had to look him up on IMDB and make sure he wasn't born there kind of perfect. Now you know why they call him 8-Ball.

Oh, and does anyone know the tensile strength of silk?

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