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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 10, 2011
January 10, 2011

Listen To Me, For I Am The Voice Of Reason.

"Gun control is like trying to fight drunk driving by making it harder for sober people to buy cars." - Unknown

Right now we're being assaulted (heehee) from all sides of the media regarding the shooting attack on Arizona's Representative Gifford. In light of this, I will only make a few quick observations.

First, as much as I would love to point the blame at Sarah Palin and her now famous crosshairs campaign graphic, I cannot in good faith do that. Nice pair of tits? Guilty. Crazier than a shit house rat? Guilty. Responsible for the acts of a crazy gunman? Not guilty. In fact, not even tasteless; politicians have been using bullseyes and crosshairs in political ads for as long as I can remember. This just turned out to be bad timing on her part, that's all. Back in June 2001 when a hip-hop group called The Coup were planning on releasing this album cover later that year. Needless to say that didn't happen for obvious reasons. But if they had, could one have faulted that music group for the terrorist attacks on 9/11? Clearly not. So to any of you fucking idiots out there who believe that 'violent rhetoric being spewed by Sarah Palin and others of the Tea Party' had anything to do with this tragedy, I say get your head out of your ass. Seriously, I'd love to pin the blame on her, even if she is accidental celebrity sex icon, but I can't. Neither should you.

Secondly, let's clear up some ignorance regarding firearms so that those around us can make informed decisions. No sooner did the ambulances arrive to haul away the wounded, when the media was already reporting "what had happened". First it was an ex-soldier, then it wasn't. Then it was an automatic rifle, then it wasn't. Then she was dead, then she wasn't. It seemed the only thing more than the number of bullets in Loughner's "extended clip" were the number of bullshit assumptions being reported. Which leads me to the clip vs magazine issue. And normally, I can't fucking stand anyone who corrects a magazine/clip reference. Yes there really is a huge difference between the two when you're talking about specific firearms, but to me the two terms are virtually interchangeable for casual conversation.

A proper time to correct someone who uses clip instead of magazine: "Hey does anyone know wher I can buy some extra clips for my new AR?"

An inappropriate time to correct someone who uses clip instead of magazine: "So Rambo pulled his knife out of the one guy's skull and then emptied the entire clip into the two guys hiding behind the fifty-gallon drums."

See, correct the first guy and you're educating him. Correct the second guy and you're just being an anal retentive dickhole. Even this nice old lady knows the difference. Because we don't need any more confusion surrounding this issue, any more than we need a hole in the head (heehee). With that in mind, I'm going to try and not be the dickhole when pointing out that if you're a journalist and decide to write an article supporting gun control, you kind of have a responsibility to at least get the fucking terminology right:

"If Loughner had gone to the Safeway carrying a regular pistol, the kind most Americans think of when they think of the right to bear arms, Giffords would probably still have been shot and we would still be having that conversation about whether it was a sane idea to put her Congressional district in the cross hairs of a rifle on the Internet. But we might not have lost a federal judge, a 76-year-old church volunteer, two elderly women, Giffords’s 30-year-old constituent services director and a 9-year-old girl who had recently been elected to the student council at her school and went to the event because she wanted to see how democracy worked. Loughner’s gun, a 9-millimeter Glock, is extremely easy to fire over and over, and it can carry a 30-bullet clip. It is “not suited for hunting or personal protection,” said Paul Helmke, the president of the Brady Campaign. “What it’s good for is killing and injuring a lot of people quickly.”

Because you know, the same result couldn't have possibly been achieved by the shooter carrying, oh I don't know, TWO pistols. But anyway, let's not get bogged down with semantics. Liberals such as the aforementioned dumb cunt, immediately began to blame this attack on the lack of gun control. Conservatives immediately countered by saying if there were less gun control, others in the crowd could have stopped Loughner dead (heehee) in his tracks. Both sides are pouncing up the opportunity to further their agenda and to be honest it makes me fucking sick. I've got enough high capacity magazine in my gun safe to make that Collins whore shit in her pants -- and I'll bet many of you do, too. but we're not on the fucking news right now, you know why? Because we didn't fucking kill anybody, that's why. Listen, here's the cold hard truth: you can't legislate against crazy. It's as fucking simple as that.

And this might be an inappropriate time to tell you this, but I found some ammo that my Saiga likes to chew through so have a case of Fiocchi #4 buckshot coming in this Wednesday via UPS. Yay me! And he's Penn and Teller's BULLSHIT! episode on gun control: 1 - 2 - 3.

I did manage to make it to the movie theaters this weekend -- no I didn't see True Grit yet -- but instead got roped into seeing Season of the Witch. Given the only thing consistent thing about ol Nicholas Cage is his inconsistency, I wasn't sure what to expect. He was fucking awesome in Leaving Las Vegas, but seeing him in Next made me cringe. But no shit - I was kind of pleasantly surprised. Not because it was a good movie -- it wasn't -- but because the overall acting and dialogue were so fucking awkward that it made Cage look normal by comparison. If the script writers of Witch worked on Happy Gilmore, here's how it would have sounded:

Feed "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast" into Google Translate and you get "Yo como pedazos de mierda como tú para el desayuno."

Now feed "Yo como pedazos de mierda como tú para el desayuno" into Yahoo Translate and you get "I eat pieces of excrement like you for the breakfast."

Yeah, it was like that. And no, it wasn't some clevar attempt at Old English, it was just shitty writing. But overall, not a bad way to kill two hours. Here's a collection of personal pics from the set of Back of the Future taken by a security guard working at Universal Studios during filming of the movie.

so long major dick winters we hardly knew ye -

dilithium, adamantium, carbonite, unobtainium, amazonium, flubber - verizon to get the iphone tuesday

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So Long, Lieutenant George Herbert Walker Bus...

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