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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 18, 2011
January 18, 2011

Just When I Thought I've Seen it All.

You. Have. Got. To. Be. FUCKINGKIDDINGME. That is -- and I'm not kidding -- some of the scariest shit I've ever seen on the internet. We are fucking doomed.

But as fucked up as that was, I did have a more fucked up dream last night. I was John McClane in Die Hard. No shit. But it was also a combination of Die Hard 1 & 4, as the villain was Timothy Olyphant, not Alan Rickman. I started off on Die Hard 1's Nakatomi Plaza and had stolen a keycard that Olyphant needed to start all the chaos he caused in Die Hard 4. Thus I spent the first part of the dream hiding from the building's security teams, who worked for him. Then at some point -- I don't really remember the transition part -- I was in a one-floor office building with lots of cubicles and windows on all four sides. I could see the bad guys coming from another building and headed towards the one I was in. They were dragging Holly McClane along with them, and I knew that once they got there, Olyphant was going to put a gun to her head and force me to hand over the key card. So I encouraged everyone the in the office to call 911 (they did) and I escaped out the back, hoping they would see no point in killing Holly if they couldn't force me to watch. Outside, I made my way down a small hill and was confronted by Carl, who was accompanied by lots of other black officers. They had an APB out on me, but they knew I was a good guy so I wasn't arrested. Instead, a bunch of white police officers came over a hill and started shooting at me. In order to play along, Carl and the rest of the black officers started shooting at me too, but they were just trying to make it look good, not actually trying to hit me. The white officers chased me across a field and down into a river, which happened to be Marlow Street, where I grew up. And when I say 'happened to be Marlow street'? I mean the street was gone, and the river was in its place; the riverbanks were where the sidewalks once were. There wasn't much water, slow moving knee deep puddles in some places, faster moving ankle deep water in others. But I somehow still got soaked from the waist down, eventually emerging in the driveway of the Sardo's house (whom I haven't seen in like... 20 years). Sammy Sardo was in his back yard and offered to let me hide out in his basement, saying I could climb in through an open window. I wanted to, but refused knowing that the wet trail I was leaving would them right to me. I instead continued on and meant to climb up onto another neighbor's garage roof, but woke up before I could. ... My heart was racing and I was breathing heavily. Fuckin weird, man. Especially since I haven't seen either movie in about a year.

But in honor of Carl and Martin Luther King Jr Day (a day late, sorry) here is Richard Pryor reminding us to please not use the word nigger anymore, regardless of what color you are or where you're from.

As an afficiando on the subject, I can attest that World War Z is possibly the greatest zombie novel ever created, accurately portraying the immense damage a tide of the living dead would cause. Set after the end of a zombie war, it’s a collection of tales from survivors, under the guise of a report to the UN. It deals with people attempting to understand the causes of the attacks, struggling to leave their homes, the military attempting to deal with an enemy unlike anything ever seen before. Half the book is a broad historical discussion of the events, but scattered throughout are interviews and stories from individuals that bring home just how terrifying a zombie war would be. The eventual choices that had to be made are harrowing, but at the same time logical. It’s a terrifying, touching, and balanced look at a world at war with the undead. Remember Yonkers.

I was skiing in Brooklyn's Prospect Park and I found a roll of film. I had the film developed and this is what I found. Please blog about this and share it so I can eventually find the owners. Thanks, Todd

This is why dogs are better than cats. Doug

Do you have any information about this girl? I believe she is from Belgium? and I know she did at least one porn movie. There were about 20 pics of her on the website www.totallynsfw.com about a year ago. She, obviously, is big into working out and has the body to show for it. I had all the pics and my computer crashed. I'd like to get those pics back. Anything you can do will be appreciated. thanks... Edward [Ernie says: Nope. Anyone? Anyone?]

The North American International Auto Show (NAIAS) is an annual auto show held in Detroit, Michigan at Cobo Center. It is among the largest auto shows in North America. The first auto show was held in Detroit in 1907 at Beller's Beer Garden at Riverside Park and since then annually except 1943-1952. It was renamed the North American International Auto Show in 1989. Since 1961, it has been held at Cobo Center where it occupies nearly 1 million square feet of floor space. The show is particularly important because the Metro Detroit area is the location of the headquarters of the Big Three American automakers, Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors.

Most of us are familiar with movie metaphors. We all know that the Narnia movies are full of Christian allegories, that Alien is bursting with rape symbolism, and so on. But it's easy to forget that almost every movie has some kind of subtext. Writers love that shit, so they work it in wherever they can -- even if they're writing about a cyborg that punches people. As a result, these half-coded messages turn up in movies you'd never expect.

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