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Ernie's House of Whoopass! January 24, 2011
January 24, 2011

'At's Not a Pair Of Brass Bawls. 'Is's A Pair Of Brass Bawls.

It was October 2010, at the height of the fighting season in Afghanistan, and a large Taliban force had established numerous firing positions around several heavy machine guns. More than 24 elite Perth based diggers from the Special Air Service Regiment were enduring withering fire. Realising his mates were in grave danger, and with little regard for his own welfare, the SAS Corporal charged head long into the Taliban machine gun fire. The sight of the [6'7"] Australian warrior coming at them must have terrified the Afghans. Within minutes three enemy guns had been silenced and numerous Taliban fighters lay dead. During that fight, he tore a Taliban fighter off his back like an insect, stood on his throat and shot him dead. By the time the October battle had finished about sixty Taliban fighters lay dead from a combination of small arms fire, hand-to-hand combat and close air support. You can read the entire citation for Corporal RS's Victoria Cross for Australia here. For those fat, lazy Americans like me, understand that the Victoria Cross for Australia is Australia's equivalent to our Medal of Honor. Meaning 6'7" is not only Robert-smith's height, but the diamater of his enormous brass balls.

Jack LaLanne is (was?) an American fitness, exercise, and nutritional expert, celebrity, lecturer, and motivational speaker who is widely referred to as "The Godfather of Fitness". LaLanne’s success was due to a number of factors. Facing down skeptics in the 1950s who thought people who watched TV didn’t want to be lectured to about what they eat and would not get up off their sofas to exercise, LaLanne began a series of shows that featured brisk, simple exercises and equally blunt pep talks. LaLanne gained worldwide recognition for his success as a chiropractor and bodybuilder, and for his incredible and prodigious acts of strength and endurance. LaLanne died of respiratory failure due to pneumonia Sunday afternoon at his home in Morro Bay on California's central coast, his longtime agent Rick Hersh said. In his lifetime he:

1954 (age 40): swam the entire length of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, underwater, with 140 pounds of equipment, including two air tanks. A world record.

1955 (age 41): swam from Alcatraz Island to Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco while handcuffed.

1956 (age 42): set a world record of 1,033 push-ups in 23 minutes on You Asked For It, a television program with Art Baker.

1957 (age 43): swam the Golden Gate channel while towing a 2,500-pound cabin cruiser. The swift ocean currents turned this one-mile swim into a swimming distance of 6.5 miles.

1958 (age 44): maneuvered a paddleboard nonstop from Farallon Islands to the San Francisco shore. The 30-mile trip took 9.5 hours.

1959 (age 45): did 1,000 star jumps and 1,000 chin-ups in 1 hour, 22 minutes and The Jack LaLanne Show went nationwide.

1974 (age 60): For the second time, he swam from Alcatraz Island to Fisherman's Wharf. Again, he was handcuffed, but this time he was also shackled and towed a 1,000-pound boat.

1975 (age 61): Repeating his performance of 21 years earlier, he again swam the entire length of the Golden Gate Bridge, underwater and handcuffed, but this time he was shackled and towed a 1,000-pound boat.

1976 (age 62): To commemorate the "Spirit of '76", United States Bicentennial, he swam one mile in Long Beach Harbor. He was handcuffed and shackled, and he towed 13 boats (representing the 13 original colonies) containing 76 people.

1979 (age 65): towed 65 boats in Lake Ashinoko, near Tokyo, Japan. He was handcuffed and shackled, and the boats were filled with 6,500 pounds of Louisiana Pacific wood pulp.

1980 (age 66): towed 10 boats in North Miami, Florida. The boats carried 77 people, and he towed them for over one mile in less than one hour.

1984 (age 70): Handcuffed, shackled and fighting strong winds and currents, towed 70 rowboats, one with several guests, from the Queen’s Way Bridge in the Long Beach Harbor to the Queen Mary, 1 mile.

Keep in mind I played Kinect Sports for half an hour this weekend, and my legs are sore. But in my defence, I try to focus my efforts on more important things. On the flip side of that courage/strength argument, we have the Bears' Jay Cutler who is currently being called a raging pussy by everyone including his grandmother, as many suspect he the easy answertook the easy way out of the bear's loss to the Packers this past weekend by complaining about an injury. So I guess you guys from Chicago sure do know how to pick em, eh? Either way, looks like it's Packers versus the Steelers so everyone break out your bell bottoms and mini skirts, because it's the 1970's all over again.

When frenchman Louis Mantin died in 1905, he mandated that his house be sealed up for a century, then reopened to the public as a museum. And now it is, effectively becoming a time capsule for all to see.

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