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Ernie's House of Whoopass! March 03, 2011
March 03, 2011

Getting Ready To Run Windows 95 For The First Time...

Very interesting for nerds: an experiment to see the effects of installing every major upgrade version of Microsoft Windows, in order, on the same machine. Awww, I miss QBasic, twatface. Bonus? it's narrarated by a guy who sounds like Scooge McDuck.

Nine retired U.S. Air Force generals have filed a complaint with state regulators to seek disbarment of 10 lawyers who are members of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka. I looked through the list of generals, but didn't recognize anyone. i was hoping to see (Ret) Lt General Gordon Fornell, who commanded ESD for a good portion of the time I was there, but no dice.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I gave a buddy of mine some advice on what he might want to consider as his first gun purchase. The feedback was generally pretty positive, the most common theme being folks who are fans of the Colt 1911 asking me why I didn't include the apple of their eye among my list of recommended guns. You see much like the mayaonnaise vs Miracle Whip debate that's been raging in this country for generations, fans of the John browning's 1911 hate anything that has to do with Gaston Glock, and likewise Glock fans hate fans of the 1911. I dunno how the rivalry started, it just is what it is. I really don't have many things to say about the 1911 at all, because aside from shooting one magazine through a rental about four years ago, I don't have any experience with them. But for home defense -- which is the direction I was headed with the email to my buddy -- I just figured why recommend a handgun that only holds 7+1 rounds, when a Glock 21 holds 13+1. But that's neither here nor there, and isn't why I'm revisiting the subject today.

You see I prefaced that article with the disclaimer, "And far be it from me to claim myself as an expert -- five years shooting and one dead kitchen wall does not a Massad Ayoob make." Why? Because I know I'm still a rookie in this department and don't want to come off sounding like an uninformed asshole. I mean what do I know, I'm just some guy on the internet, right? But just because I'm cautious enough not to sound like an uninformed asshole myself, doesn't mean I can't spot an uninformed asshole when I see one. Behold:

Ernie, I love your site. I think you are a tool, but your site is awesome. Anybody who voted for Obama is an idiot, and your position on the mosque in NY was rooted in ignorance.

Your gun advice was pretty good, except for the part about the pump shotgun. Pump shotguns are to be used by professionals only or hunters. Most hunters who buy pumps are guys who can't afford automatics. Most home defenders who buy pumps are greenhorns who get bad advice. I own a Remington 870 12 gauge Super Magnum Synthetic. I bought it primarily because it was $200 at the pawn shop, was almost brand new, and it serves as a backup to my Remington 1100 when I go hunting (I haven't needed to use it, BTW). I have loaned it out to guys whose Benellis crapped out on them when hunting in BFE. Here is a list of reasons why beginners should stay away from pumps, and why pumps are not good for home defense.

  • Pumps are unwieldy. This guy got his arm shot off by his own shotgun.
  • Let's say you want to investigate something in your yard, in a stealthy manner, and you want to be armed when you do it. You can't do that with a pump shotgun. You can tuck a handgun in your waistband or put it in the pocket of your robe. You don't really want the whole neighborhood to see you outside your house walking around with a shotgun.
  • You can't keep a pump in a quick access safe by the bed. I like to keep a gun in my nightstand, my desk drawer, the kitchen, and my office (No kids). You can't do that with a pump. If you have kids, you should have a quick access safe by the bed with a loaded handgun in it. You can't hide a pump in a drawer. IT IS TOO DAMN BIG!
  • You can't put a pump in the glove box in your car. In Texas, you can legally keep a loaded handgun concealed in your car. Everywhere else, do it anyway.
  • It takes a lot of practice to handle a pump, and it takes a lot of practice to cycle rounds through it effectively.
  • You need two hands to work a pump. Think that through, Ernie.
  • Pumps will only hold 5 rounds, up to 8 with a tube extender.
  • Pumps generate a lot of recoil, which is bad for beginners and women.
  • The types of ammo suitable for shooting and killing people are expensive.
  • If you decide to get a concealed permit, you need a handgun.
  • Anybody who recommends a pump shotgun for home defense is ignorant and irresponsible. My advise for a beginner is to buy a Ruger SP101 .357 Mag with some Hogue grips. Here is a list of reasons why. I own one, and keep it in my desk at work.

  • Ease of use. Nothing is easier for a beginner to learn to handle, load, and shoot, than a revolver.
  • The .357 can also shoot .38 Special, which is a lot cheaper for target practice, and the lighter recoil is great for women.
  • The Ruger SP101 is tough, very stout.
  • The .357 Magnum with the right ammo will stop any attacker. You can hunt and kill bears with .357 Mag.
  • You mentioned CZs, and you retained a little credibility with me by doing so. I own a CZ 75 Compact BD in 9MM, which has the decocker and no safety. It is the same size as a Glock 19, of which I own 2. CZ makes a great gun, very accurate and reliable. They are not very common and I usually only see a few at the gun shows. The CZ I own is carried by the Czech Secret Police, so it must have something going for it. This gun would be great for beginners, as it has no safety, and it has a raised little button on top of the slide to indicate that a round is in the chamber (really handy in the dark). One reason I love the CZ I own is it has a hammer, and you can shoot it single action or double action. I keep this CZ in the console of my 2008 F150 Lariat Supercrew 4x4. 15 round clip, one in the chamber, ready to go. The one shown has a safety. Real men get the decocker version.

    I personally feel a safety is more of a hindrance for beginners and not needed by experts; it is just another step to mess with. If you follow the basic safety rules anyway, safeties are not needed. That is another reason I like revolvers for beginners, and it is one of many reasons I like Glocks. You also overlooked the 9MM round. A lot of people deride the round as weak, but trust me, you put a 124 Gr. 9MM Federal Hydra-Shok in someone, they will most likely die, quickly. Graveyards are full of people felled by the 9MM. The Ft Hood Shootings, perpetrated by a radical Islamist who should have never been in the Army to begin with but was there due to PC bullshit, were done with a 9MM. Jared Loughner killed 6 people with one in AZ recently, and that Congresswoman would not be alive if he shot her with Hydra-Shoks. That crazy Korean killed all those sheeple at that college with a 9MM. I like the 9MM because it is cheap to shoot, plentiful ammo, and the recoil is low. I am 74 inches tall and weigh 280 pounds, strong as a bull, and by golly, I like light recoil. Follow up shots are important, and low recoil really helps in that regard. You can also carry about 3-4 more rounds with a 9 as opposed to a .40 or .45.

    Please post this on your site, as you put out some bad information.

    John Bell, Texas

    For starters, if you've got the balls to act all high and mighty and barking advice to people, correcting what you perceive to be mistakes... at least get your fucking terminology right. But I must admit I didn't very high expectations after opening his email with, "Pump shotguns are to be used by professionals only or hunters." Because, uhhhhhhhhh, you know. So there you have it folks, hand an airsoft pistol to a fat guy from Texas and before you know it he's dishing out bad advice like Steven Seagal. Newsflash: you're just like every other fucking mall ninja spewing off at the mouth. After opening with that bullshit, anything that comes out of your mouth is fucking worthless, John. Well okay, maybe not totally worthless; I've gues it's worth about $2.75. And now you'll understand why Mark Twain said, "It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." So do us all a favor.

    Old and busted: Trick shot quarterbacks Johnny Mac and Alex Tanney. The new hotness? Trick shot center Zach Enyeart.

    Ernie, Here's a new story your audience will love: I took a massive dose of a boner drug an hour before I went to the airport, then opted for a manual TSA patdown ... AND I GOT VIDEO. Hope you can give it a link from EHOWA. -- John

    Men lie to women and women lie to men, but the opposing sexes go about these things in different ways. Women usually tend to lie in order to spare feelings and make herself feel better — or to keep the peace. At the center of the male lie is, most commonly, either his ego or his unwillingness to cause drama, or to get in trouble — but both parties are almost always guilty of lying to conceal something. Consistent lying can tear two people apart, no matter the intention, so we've gathered the lies all men tell their girlfriends. Watch out for these, no matter which end of the lie you're on.

    Old and busted: drifting your Japanese sports car. The new hotness: drifting your Boeing 737.

    The NHL's sexiest Ice Girls have been known to melt the ice and players' and fans' hearts. They rival NFL cheerleaders and NBA dance teams, but don't get the attention they deserve. So for all you hockey fans and men out there, here is a breakdown of the hottest NHL Ice Girls for the 2010-2011 season.

    a gallery of fat girls gone skinny skinny girls gone fat

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