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April Fools, Motherfuckers!

April Fools' Day is celebrated all around the world on the April 1 of every year. KIERA KNIGHTLEY GOT A BOOB JOB. Sometimes referred to as All Fools' Day, April 1 is not a national holiday, but is widely recognized and celebrated as a day where many people play all kinds of jokes and foolishness. TSUNAMI VICTIM. The day is marked by the commission of good humored jokes, hoaxes, and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, family members, athletes, teachers, co-workers, neighbors, etc. STEVE IS WORKING. The earliest recorded association between April 1 and foolishness can be found in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales (1392). AN 18-VOLT RECIPROCAL SAW. The most recent was this woman who pulled around a disabled tractor-trailer, only to meet another one head on. Surprise, April Fools! With video goodness. THIS GUY WON THE LOTTERY.



Insert Your Favorite Fingerbutt Joke Here.

So I'm checking out your website (it's a daily ritual). I'm a tad shocked when I see the main pic....Oh yeah. April Fools! You got me. I'm checking out the links, watching the videos, reading the text, and so on and so forth. Then guess what? In walks the wife! She starts freaking out. BIG TIME!! She doesn't get your sense of humor. She's not a fan like I am. Now she thinks I'm LATENT, so the only thing that halfway calms her down (about 15 minutes later) is for me to agree to go to couple's counselling. Dude! Not cool! I am so fucking screwed either way. I tell her the truth that you have some links to some nice WOMENS' bodies, and I'll get a size 10 frying pan upside the head. At least this way, she's probably thinking she'll need to fight for my love. Damn! Now that I think about it, maybe now is the time to bring up trying anal. Ohhh...better not even go there. After all this, I'm still a loyal minion and all, but it's lower-case. I used to be Loyal Minion, and even sometimes LOYAL Minion, but now I gotta lay low for awhile. -Alan



So I heard Things Didn't Go So Well For Charlie Harper.

Here's an interactive zombie survival game, based on the video game Left 4 Dead by Valve. Follow your favorite Game Station characters as they try to survive the zombie apocalypse. Remember you have to have captions enabled in order to read what to do next (the little red talk box).



I'm A Coal Miner, Not A Professional Film Or Television Actor.

Attention: the following videos contains extreme language and inappropriate behavior. Viewer discretion is advised.



Is It Me, Or Are We Seeing A Lot Of Corrupt Governors Lately?

You know one internet sensation that -- pardon the pun -- I just can't sink my teeth into? Epic Meal Time. I just can't do it. I mean they started out with some pretty creative shit at the beginning -- the Sloppy Roethlisberger, the Meatball Deathstar. But at some point, they've just run out of different stuff to eat. It's kind of like the show Fear Factor -- they started out with some genuinely creative challenges at first, like driving cars under moving tractor-trailers, jumping off skyscrapers, and eating live crickets. But soon the show deteriorated into making contestants eat whatever disgusting stuff anybody could find. I can't help but feel that EMT is following in the same footsteps. I mean I can go to my refrigerator and take out virtally everything in there, cook it and jam it between a hambuger bun, but how does that make me creative? How does that make people want to watch it and call it original? Fuck man, they were even featured on Leno awhile back. What's the draw? I just don't get it.



Sometimes You've Got To Stop And Smell The Tits.

If you have an hour to kill, and you haven't filled your BATSHIT CRAZY quota for the week, this is an EXTREMELY interesting video to watch. It's Louis Theroux's follow-up film to his 2007 original expose of the Westboro Baptist Church; "The most hated family in America". This new film a collection of four 15-minute clips

Wouldn't That Be a Really Bad Idea If You Were Ever Captured?

Sorry, I had a really rough day yesterday. I dunno if it was a bad reaction to medication or the Chinese food, but I'm a little out of it.



Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.



This Is Going To Absolutely Break Your Heart.

Especially if you're a Dodge fan, like I am. You see the heart of the 2011 Dodge Challenger SRT8 392 is a new iteration of the venerable Hemi V8, which has been upsized from 6.1 to 6.4 liters. Now displacing 392 cubic inches -- same as the classic Gen II Hemi that was introduced in 1957 and went on to become a staple of drag racers around the world. This bigger, badder motivator makes 470 horsepower and 470 lb-ft of torque -- gains of 45 and 50 units, respectively, over the outgoing 6.1 liter. And since there were only 1,492 of them made so if you're lucky enough to own one, you had better make sure you take good care of it. Man that was painful to watch, eh? But more painful than road rash? Probably not. Road rash is a term for skin and bone injury caused by abrasion with road surfaces, usually as consequence of cycling and motorcycling accidents.



The Violent Torpedo Of Truth Has Met Its Match.

There is only one person who I will allow to ridicule Charlie Sheen, all others I will kick in the nuts. But now that person has spoken... LIKE A BOSS. That's right Charlie, Betty White is tired of your shit.



For My Next Trick, I Will Need Three Wise Men.

First, I will need some assistance from those of you who like to shoot guns. You see, a few days ago the Brady Campaign released banassaultclips.com in order to drum up support of an "assault clip" ban. Now don't get me fucking started on the clip vs magazine debate, or just what in the fuck constitutes an "assault clip". But rather than give them the opportunity to correct their mistake, I went ahead and registered banassaultmagazines.com. My plan is to fill it with unbiased and compelling information that illustrates that trying to prevent gun violence by banning high capacity magazines is tantamount to trying to prevent drunk driving my making gasoline tanks smaller. My goal is to get that site into all the search engines to turn up when some idiot searched "high capacity magazine ban" and the like. Thus, if you know of any videos or articles that are relevant -- or where I can get those sweet targets the guy was shooting at -- please send them in. Paprika.



There's Nothing Quite As Classic As a True Classic Car.

So there have been a lot of Ford Mustangs making the news recently. Earlier in the year a guy listed a 2000 Ford Cobra R still coated in the original factory wrapping. Then earlier this month this guy "found" a 1966 Shelby Mustang in his garage, and only a few days later, an all original 1969 Ford Mustang 429 Boss with only 4,400 miles goes up for auction.Now the latter two are examples of a real classic car, not the recreations that have come stumbling out of Detroit over the last several years. Yes, I think the modern day renditions of the Dodge Challenger and Charger are pretty sweet, but no matter the physical similarities, they're still no substitute for the real thing. But since there were so many big numbers being thrown around with these old classic that have found their way back into the limelight, I decided to do some math. And what I found out wasn't very surprising at all; given our manufacturing abilities are now measured in the hundreds of thousands of units produced per year -- as opposed to the tend of thousands produced four decades ago -- the original renditions of these beasts are far more valuable than their modern day counterparts. Although, I'm sure they also have more mechanical pitfalls, as well.



Made For You, Right Here In The Swamp.

I remember the first time I tried a martini. Myself and three other folks went out to Outback and having no experience in the classic cocktail arena, ordered one gin martini and one vodka martini. The vodka one was pretty much what we expected; since vodka doesn't have a very strong taste and they (presumably) used bullshit well vodka, we were more or less tasting bitter olive juice. Then came the gin martini -- something I would later on learn is the classic martini. My nose wrinkled as the glass drew close. I couldn't tell if I was about to drink paint thinner, pine nuts, or both. The well gin washed over my tongue about as smoothly as a square wheeled lawn tractor. I forced myself to swallow what little I had taken in, set the glass down and pushed it away. It was settled; martinis and gin were not for me.



Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Condylomata acuminata is a highly contagious sexually transmitted disease caused by some sub-types of human papillomavirus (HPV). It is spread through direct skin-to-skin contact during oral, genital, or anal sex with an infected partner. Genital warts are the most easily recognized symptom of genital HPV infection, where types 6 and 11 are responsible for 90% of all cases. Whilst of those infected with genital HPV it is estimated that only a small percentage (between 1% and 5%) develop symptoms, those infected can still transmit the virus.



Boy, I Don't Miss This Shit.

Down here below the 30th Parallel, spring has been in high gear for the last month and a half. Should I be up north about this time, I would be getting ready for my annual trip to the doctor to stock up on allergy medication and most likely schedule my first visit to get antibiotics because of a sinus infection. yeah, I got them every year, just like clockwork. it wouldn't be but two or three weeks after things come into bloom -- fresh cut grass was the worst -- and my frontal sinuses right behind my forehead would plug up tighter than duck's ass. And the only -- the ONLY -- medication that would work was Sinutab. "But Ernie, what about..." Stop. Over the counter, prescription, homeopathic, I've tried them all. Sinutab was the ONLY thing that worked, period. It got so bad that I was considering surgery to Roto-Rooter my head (with awesome video). So I hope I don't fuck up my karma or anything but ever since I've moved to Florida? Nothing. No allergies, no sinusitis, no nothing. Well, that's not true, I have to pop the occasional Clariton maybe once or twice a year, but that's it. Well, that a fucking cats. Oh, and even though their logos are quite similar I'm pretty sure this girl isn't a Black Hawks fan, but a Redskins fan based upon the poster on her wall.



One Month To Go - It's Okay To Quit Paying Your Credit Cards Now.

"We had been taught that if the belt does not go off, we should kill ourselves with the grenade. There were three policemen standing close by, and I thought if I killed them too, I would still make it to heaven." Dude, WTF. I mean I know you'rte trying to make a statement, I just don't know what it is.



The Skynet Funding Bill Is Passed.

According to the Terminator movies, Skynet went live two nights ago on April 19, 2011 at 8:11pm. So Judgement Day is today April 21st. See you on the other side. By the way, remember the German Shepard outside of the hotel that barks at Arnold when he walks up? That's James Cameron's dog, Wolfie. He even makes a pseudo-appearance when he's mentioned in Terminator 2 when Arnold/John Connor call home to check on the foster parents. I am however, going to Endeavour's final launch on the 29th of this month, something John's parents won't be doing.



Facebook Is Like Battlefield Earth's Learning Machine, Only Backwards.

I've discovered a pretty big downside to Facebook, and that is you actually get to experience just how fucking retarded some people are. A few years ago people just seemed a lot smarter. They weren't of course, they were just as fucking dumb as they are now, only we never knew it because this was before every swinging dick with a smart phone in their pocket could post whatever thought happened to rattling around in their empty heads at the moment. Ignorance truly was bliss. But now? Now you're forced not only acknowledge society's inherent stupidity, but you've got to sit right down and have a conversation with it. More than once lately I've had to push myself away from my keyboard in disgust, after an exchange with some fucking simpleton left me sitting here actually watching the IQ points falling out of my head and run out the door. The realization that there are so many closed minded and ignorant people out there, is honestly disheartening. I feel like Cypher when he wanted to be reinserted back into the Matrix.



Insert Your Favorite Easter Weekend Joke Here.



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