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Ernie's House of Whoopass! April 15, 2011
April 15, 2011

Made For You, Right Here In The Swamp.

I remember the first time I tried a martini. Myself and three other folks went out to Outback and having no experience in the classic cocktail arena, ordered one gin martini and one vodka martini. The vodka one was pretty much what we expected; since vodka doesn't have a very strong taste and they (presumably) used bullshit well vodka, we were more or less tasting bitter olive juice. Then came the gin martini -- something I would later on learn is the classic martini. My nose wrinkled as the glass drew close. I couldn't tell if I was about to drink paint thinner, pine nuts, or both. The well gin washed over my tongue about as smoothly as a square wheeled lawn tractor. I forced myself to swallow what little I had taken in, set the glass down and pushed it away. It was settled; martinis and gin were not for me.

Now I look back and ponder, ahhh, youth. What the fuck was I thinking? Trying a martini at a chain steak house? What a fucking idiot. That was stupidity I hadn't repeated until last year when I tried sushi from Publix. And yes, that ended about as well as you would guess. And so, I will part some knowledge to you my friends, I will tell you how to make an Ernie Approved martini. First, you need to chill your martini glass. And yes, you actually have to have a martini glass because a room temp glass will warm the martini quickly and spoil the flavor. Fill the glass with ice and then top it off with cold water; this will speed up the chilling process. And while that's happening, we turn to the second part of our formula: don't pick dogshit gin. A lot of people like Tanqueray, but I think it sucks. leave that to Snoop Dogg and his Kool-Aid. Same goes for Tanqueray 10, which is supposedly their top shelf stuff. It's just not for me. My gin of choice is Bombay Saphire. Put three parts of gin into an ice filled shaker. This next tip I learned from a bartender named Kat so I'll repeat her words verbatim: "Shake it until your tits hurt." Seriously. Shake the hell out of it. I don't care what Jed Bartlett says, a good martini is shaken not stirred. And after you've shaken it until your tits hurt, it's time to prep your chilled martini glass. Dump out the icewater mixture and get a small bottle of dry vermouth. A lot of people pull the, "just pass the bottle over the glass," routine for vermouth, but not me. This next dry-martini tip I learned from a bartender named Kate, no relation. Put in a splash of vermouth -- it really doesn't matter how much -- and swirl the glass around so the vermouth coats the inside of the glass. Then dump it out; that thin coating of vermouth is all you need. This is called an "in out".

Then, pour the shaken martini into the chilled and coated martini glass. If done properly, there should be itsy bitsy tiny particles of ice floating around. This is good, as a cold martini tastles notably better than a warmer one. Next for a garnish, I like two big ass queen olives stuffed with sundried tomatoes. This is where most bars go wrong, as all they have are those tiny little processed Spanish olives stuffed with tiny scraps of pimento. Just like a good olive can improve the flavor of your martini, a bad olive can ruin it. And all that crazy shit like bleu cheese stuffed olives? You go right ahead and stuff those up your ass. And with my perfect martini having been chilled, shaken, coated and olived, I am now ready to sit down and entertain. Because yes, just like tying a tie or cooking one great meal, every real man should know how to make a few perfect cocktails. Warning: don't try to drive after two, and don't to walk after three.

On that note, today is Emma Watson's 21st birthday which means she can (legally) drink here in the States now. And while I'm sure she won't be celebrating her 21st the same way Elizabeth Hurley did her 41st, I'm hoping patience will pay off with this one. And on a side note, Elizabeth Hurley still looks fucking awesome at 45, although not topless this time. Dammit.

Old and busted: Cooking backon on your German MG-42 machinegun. The new hotness? Well...

Ernie: Hope all is well. Thought your readers would enjoy this recent experiment where we tried to see if you can cook bacon on a burning Ford Pinto. Awesome video of the grease fire that ensued. Hope you can give it a link from EHOWA! -- John

Ernie, I have no idea what this means, maybe you can use it. Charles

Seriously, how can you now know the Sofa King joke? It's a classic! Oh and shit, since I'm out of the groove, I almost forgot to post an update on Ragdoll Parashooter, which is currently being championed by Jon with 3,499 points. Although I should deduct ten points from Gryffindor for using Internet Explorer. I'm going to crank up some Tony Flow and the Miraculously Majestic Masters of Mayhem, and see if I can't beat him.

Not all attempts to set a world record are entirely successful. And while it's true that not all failures end with yoru nuts being cruches into your pelvis, some of the less dangerous attempts simply end with egg on your face. But some others? Others end when like, you're dead. But on the plus side, the chick dropping those eggs had a spectacular rack, eh?

nobody bother me on sunday. nobody. for nothing. YA GOT THAT?

jennifer lawrence shows off her bikini body for gq - road rage. it's not just for fat lazy americans anymore


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