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Ernie's House of Whoopass! May 19, 2011
May 19, 2011

I Can't Put Into Words How Incredibly Excited I Am.

"Only recently, through careful study of information found in the Bible, we now know the precise timeline of the world’s history, from the creation year of 11,013 BC to Christ's return on May 21, 2011 to the final destruction of the world on October 21, 2011. By God's grace and tremendous mercy, He is giving us advanced warning as to what He is about to do. On Judgment Day, May 21st, 2011, this 5-month period of horrible torment will begin for all the inhabitants of the earth. It will be on May 21st that God will raise up all the dead that have ever died from their graves. Earthquakes will ravage the whole world as the earth will no longer conceal its dead (Isaiah 26:21). People who died as saved individuals will experience the resurrection of their bodies and immediately leave this world to forever be with the Lord. Those who died unsaved will be raised up as well, but only to have their lifeless bodies scattered about the face of all the earth. Death will be everywhere. " - familyradio.com

Tomorrow is FUCKING Z-DAY. That's right. Evidently there's no room in hell and the dead will walk the earth. Bloodthirsty zombies as far as the eye can see. And I'm fucking stoked. Sure a nice handgun is going to come in handy, but ammunition is a finite resource; the only ammo you'll never run out of is a nice melee weapon. I've got my super penetration shovel all sharpened up -- remember the only surefire way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain. And that will quite often involve separating the head from the body and that's going to take a lot of upper body strength. So follow my advice and get your this together. And then who will be properly prepared for the Judgement Day? That's right, YOU WILL BE!

But you have to hand it to those fucking loons at familyradio.com, eh? I mean they sure have been busy getting the word out. They almost reminds me of that Johnny Cash song: I've been everywhere, man. I've been everywhere, man. Crossed the desert's bare, man. I've breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I've had my share, man. I've been everywhere. I've been to: Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota, Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow, Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa, Ottawa, Oklahoma, Tampa, Panama, Mattawa, La Paloma, Bangor, Baltimore, Salvador, Amarillo, Tocapillo, Baranquilla, and Perdilla, I'm a killer.

Saw this on the official Center for Disease Control website. We all need to be prepared for a Zombie Apocalypse! Stay safe!!! Michael

Hey Ernie! Looks like we might be in the Stanley Cup Finals against Tampa Bay, so in preparation, I thought I'd send ya a link to how Tampa Bay's players can expect to be taunted when they hit the penalty box. We Canadians are nothing if not friendly, even when we're trying to get into the heads of our competitors! Cheers from Vancouver! Scott

Fuck that, I don't want no gov'mint's help in killin zombies. I'll be just fine on my own, thank you very much. Well, okay, maybe send a Marine or two. Because in a sport that requires two sweaty men to punch and claw at each other to prove their worth, while beautiful women hold up ring cards in between matches.

Another teacher bangs a student story for you. Her mugshot isn't doing her any justice. That chick's smoking hot. Cheers, Matt F.

Well, I dunno about smokin hot, but yes she certainly looks better than some people so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on a bad mugshot. I was able to find an old Myspace page, a cached copy of her Kennedale High School page, but no luck on Facebook. As all five of the students involved were over the age of 18, eh, I can't say I'm on board with arresting her and charging her with five counts of [whatever]. Terminated for inappropriate conduct? Most definitely. Loss of her teaching certificate, sure. But arrested? Eh, I dunno. And by the way, someone should let the Brits know that when it's five guys and just one girl, it's called a gangbang not an orgy. Next! And just for the record, my idea of smokin hot goes a little something like this: Rosie Alice Huntington-Whiteley is a British model and actress, best known for modelling for Victoria's Secret and for replacing Megan Fox as the lead female character in the upcoming film Transformers: Dark of the Moon, part of the Transformers franchise. She will not also be known as the girl whose nipples can cut diamonds.

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