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Ernie's House of Whoopass! May 23, 2011
May 23, 2011


You know, one could argue that the tornadoes that struck Joplin, Missouri were the beginning of the previously scheduled Rapture. Just sayin. But on a more serious note, aside from the blithering idiots who actually attended that church, nobody else actually believed that end of days shit, did they? I mean aren't we all a little too highly developed to be taken in by that shit that guy was trying to sell? Because everyone knows the truth is aliens love and protest us. Sixty years ago they sent their representatives to Roswell, to show us the way to live. And we killed them. But the aliens forgave us. Still to this day, they remains with her here on Earth. Through their powers of telepathy, they can hear our thoughts. All you have to do is love them and think about them, and the millisecond before you die, they will teleport you to their ships, and you will live forever with them in happiness. What, do you think I'm crazy?

Yeah I know she's drugged out most of the time. Yeah I know she can't handle her booze. Yeah I know that the hottest of her super hot redhead days are behind well her. But as Lindsay Lohan will occasionally remind you, you have to admit she has a terrific set of tits. And how she hasn't done any full frontal nudes yet, given how fast and how far her career has fizzled, I have no idea. Along those lines, I remember when Anna Kournakova was the only hot tennis player around. And even though she couldn't play tennis worth a damn, and she never won any titles, she was the hottest thing on the tennis court because she pretty much had a hotness monopoly. Then along came Maria Sharapova and ruined everything for Anna, since Sharapova was both (a) equally as hot and (b) actually good at tennis. With that same premise in mind, Natalie Gulbis has pretty much run the table on uber-hot female golfers. In fact, when you Google "hot golfer" this photo of her stretching is always one of the first images shown. But like Reggie Hammond daid, "There's a new sheriff in town, and her name is Sophie Horn. Y'all be cool.

You know, for a guy with only one testicle, Lance Armstrong sure does pull some nice pieces of ass. And he's also been accused of doping (again), only this time by a former teammate, and Shackleford ruins Animal Kingdom's bid for Triple Crown. Let's take a look back at what else happened this past week.

Boston Logan Airport: Original footage was about an hour and 10 minutes. Would of liked to record longer but local law enforcement showed up and questioned me with their "neighbors are concerned excuse". Nice officers, but I thought leaving was the best thing to do. It took about 7 1/2 hours to render this elapsed time video. Rendered the video three times in Sony Vegas to reduce the footage to 2:30 minutes long. - Chris

When the Westboro Baptist Church boasted that they would picket comedian Lisa Lampanelli's show in Topeka, Kansas, on May 20, 2011, she decided to donate $1,000 to the Gay Men's Health Crisis for every protester who showed up. Before the start of her show, she went outside to see how the protest was going... Jeff

Man, I do loves me some Lisa Lampanelli. But not in a having sex with her kind of way, because that would be gross. How cross? Gangrene gross. And gangrene is a serious and potentially life-threatening condition that arises when a considerable mass of body tissue dies (necrosis). This may occur after an injury or infection, or in people suffering from any chronic health problem affecting blood circulation. The prime cause of gangrene is reduced blood supply to the affected tissues, which results in cell death. Diabetes and long-term smoking increase the risk of suffering from gangrene. There are different types of gangrene with different symptoms, such as dry gangrene, wet gangrene, gas gangrene, internal gangrene and necrotising fasciitis. Dry gangrene spreads slowly until it reaches the point where the blood supply is inadequate to keep tissue viable. The affected part is dry, shrunken and dark reddish black, resembling mummified flesh. In wet gangrene, the tissue is infected by saprogenic microorganisms, which cause tissue to swell and emit a fetid smell. Wet gangrene usually develops rapidly due to blockage of venous and/or arterial blood flow. The affected part is saturated with stagnant blood, which promotes the rapid growth of bacteria. Wet gangrene occurs in naturally moist tissue and organs such as the mouth, bowel, lungs, cervix, and vulva. Bedsores occurring on body parts such as the sacrum, buttocks, and heels — although not necessarily moist areas — are also categorized as wet gangrene infections. The affected part is edematous, soft, putrid, rotten and dark; the darkness in wet gangrene occurs due to the same mechanism as in dry gangrene.

dear lisa edelstein: your tits are nice, but they're not that nice

bursting jennifer love hewitt's enormous, round, juicy... MYTHS - where are they now: don't tase me bro

some harley davidson motorcycles plagued by a death wobble

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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