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Ernie's House of Whoopass! June 7, 2011
June 7, 2011

Hey, Who Doesn't Have A Weiner Floating Around Out There In Cuberspace?

Does anyone else remember the time when some politician fucked up and when confronted about it, they didn't lie or try to bullshit their way out of it, but instead just came clean and admitted their mistake? Yeah, me neither. Because yes, it was your cock and yes you really did fuck up about Paul Revere. So please, let's cut the bullshit, shall we? And don't stand up there and let loose your fucking crocodile tears, either. There was a time and place for a grown man crying like a little bitch, and this ain't it. Imagine you're an early Cro-Magnon man and you're compromised in some way. Maybe you've impaled yourself on a mammoth tusk or got a really bad foot cramp. You need help, but you want to keep your impairment on the down low, so your enemies don't pounce. You need a signal that tells your allies that something is wrong that doesn't involve shrieking like a little bitch, which is Neanderthal for "finish me." You could stay silent and bear it like a man, at which point no one will hear you and you're still impaled on the tusk of the mammoth that guy was riding when you killed him. But tears -- dramatic, glistening tears quietly streaming down your ashen, pain-wrought visage -- will tell the people close enough to see the shininess of your cheeks that something is wrong and you need a hand. In other words, early man's ability to survive actually depended on his ability to cry like a baby. But Twittering your cock to some 40 year old blackjack dealer looking to cash in on your downfall? Not so much.

About four years ago, pictures of a Porsche vandalized with CHEATING BASTARD keyed into the side of it turned out to be the latest viral marketing campaign by some clever divorce attorneys. As of this morning, the latest craze that seems to be spreading around the internet like herpes is this photo of a vandalized vehicle, supposedly taken in a hotel parking lot. Presuming that this isn't viral marketing round two, I say fuck Nikki for two reasons. First she doesn't know the difference between YOUR and YOU'RE. Secondly, she left an unattended dog tied to a fucking bumper. So fuck her, and the horse she rode in on.

You can never underestimate how important it is to verify such photos. For example, I tried to research the origins of this rollercoaster photo and thought I his paydirt with Gulf Scream at Adventure Island, but since that's a water slide, it can't be right. So after expanding my "island & -ream" text search outside of the US, it turns out the ride in question is the Green Scream roller coaster located at the UK's Adventure Island amusement park. And the chick on the left? Her name is Carly Whitley.

Hello! I decide to illegally grow a vegetable garden on a neglected patch of land in Brooklyn. I made a video about it. While I doubt this endeavor will lead me on a world wide search that ends in Paris (like my last video)... it's still a fun time. Enjoy! Todd

Planting a garden. That's some pretty gangsta shit man. So is attaching a camera to the inside of a hula hoop. Of course the girl with the mohawk and tats is going to want to be the center of attention.

You might piss yourself at the answer but what humor site is bigger than The Onion, Comedy Central, Funny or Die (and I suppose, EHOWA)? Well I shit you not but the answer is surprised me too. Hint: think Julie Bowen and a Trojan condom's point of view. Just not at the same time.

Brian Cox, esteemed actor and proud Scot, sips his way through more than 40 brands of scotch to help you out at the bar, the liquor store, and beyond. On a related note it's pronounced, "Glen-fid-dick."

10 things fast-food companies won't tell you - what's your cell phone's maximum radiation level?

plaxico burress released from prison - harvard university drops in on these dropouts some 40+ years later

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