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Ernie's House of Whoopass! June 14, 2011
June 14, 2011

Happy Flag Day. And No, He Didn't Ring Any Fucking Bells, Either..

In the United States, Flag Day is celebrated on June 14. It commemorates the adoption of the flag of the United States, which happened that day by resolution of the Second Continental Congress in 1777. The June 14 date is also when Congress adopted "the American continental army" after reaching a consensus position in The Committee of the Whole. In 1916, President Woodrow Wilson issued a proclamation that officially established June 14 as Flag Day; in August 1949, National Flag Day was established by an Act of Congress.

Man, you germans just can't get the hang of this blimp thing, can you?

You know it's funny. Hardcore liberals call me a conservative asshole. Hardcore conservatives call me a bleeding heart liberal. I guess I'm doing something right, eh?

Actually, Ernie, Sarah Palin did NOT fuck up about Paul Revere. She was correct and Paul Revere's own writings back her up. This is the second time in my memory that the media has ridiculed her for supposedly fucking up a historical account and the second time she has been right. You'd think they would learn. This second one includes an interview on NPR, not exactly members of the Palin fan club. You asked me a long time ago why I thought you were a liberal. This is a prime example. Glenn

Ring the bell, fuckface, school is in.

Of the thirteen years I lived in the Boston area, six of them were at Hanscom AFB. Right outside of the Route 2A gate, and I mean within 1/8th of a mile to the entrance is where Paul Revere was captured. There is of course a monument and a museum and a few National Park Rangers giving tours and whatnot. I've always been an armchair historian on wars, WWII being my personal favorite but with being so close to where the Revolutionary War began, I took interest in that as well. I had the chance to speak with several of the Rangers on occasion; a few times when I first got there, and again every time friends and family visited because it was the touristy thing to do. Mix in some tours of the Olde North Church, the South Meeting Hall, the old State House, Fanuel Hall... and while I'm no Cliff Claven, I'd like to think I can hold my own. So if my nieces or nephews asked me to explain what happened with Paul Revere -- and I'm doing this from off the cuff memory, no research -- I guess it would go something like this:

For starters, what you read in Henry Longfellow's poem isn't really what happened. It's nice and its romantic and it rhymes, but it's not to be taken literally. For example, Paul Revere himself never once actually saw any lanterns in the tower of the Olde North Church, nor did he ride through any towns screaming, "The British Are Coming!"

Paul Revere was also a member of a rebel group called The Sons of Liberty. He was also a 40 year man whose wife and newborn son had just died, so he was angry and bitter and had a lot of time on his hands. Typical members of the Sons of Liberty were from all walks of life, from stable hands all the way up to doctors and lawyers. Early in April of 1775, The Sons paired two 30 men (15 groups of 2) to spy on a British encampment in what is now the Boston Common. Just before midnight on the 15th they saw signs the Brits were getting ready to mobilize. Revere' brought this to the attention of his Sons of Liberty boss, named Joseph Warren, a local doctor. The next day on the 16th, Warren ordered Revere to head to Lexington so he could warn John Hancock and Samuel Adams that the British were headed their way very soon. Despite what you read in history books, this is the actual ride that warned the Minutemen of the impending British advance. It was made during the daytime, with no screaming or yelling. It allowed armed guards to be set up to protect that house where Hancock and Adams were staying, plus move some half a dozen artillery pieces out of danger of being captured.

Now back some two hundred years ago, there was no Route 1 Tobin bridge going over the Charles River, so the British had two choices if they wanted to move their forces from the south shore of the river, over to the north shore. (A) They could stick everybody on boats or (B) they could march westward where the river narrowed and could be crossed by a footbridge. Since the Boston was under British control and the Revolutionaries couldn't afford to let the Brits know we had figured out their plan, it was agreed upon that a visual queue would be used to indicate which. Lanterns would be hung in the belltower of the Olde North Church, and this is what gives credence to, "one if by land, two if by sea."

Now since Revere didn't have any home life (dead family) he was able to devote more time to spying on the British than some others. And even though he wasn't supposed to be on watch again until two weeks later, there he was on the evening of April 18 watching the British troops marching towards the north shore -- they were coming to board man-o-wars and sail to the north shore of the river (TWO IF BY SEA!). Revere alerted Joseph Warren, who made a tremendously smart move. He dispatched not one, not two but THREE alerts. He called for two lanterns to be displayed in the tower, and dispatched Revere AND another rider, William Dawes. Revere was to cross the river by boat and ride north then west to Lexington, Dawes to ride west through (what is now) Waltham and then north to Lexington. When Revere's boat made it to the opposite shore, he saw no lanterns in the tower. But he didn't need to, since he knew what to do anyway. He did as he had been ordered to and rode to give warning to Hancock and Adams. So his ride on the 16th was the real warning, "The British are coming, so get ready to move," and his famous ride two days later on the 18th was, "Okay, it's go-time, motherfuckers."

He arrived in Lexington and guess what -- the armed guards almost shot him thinking he was British. But they didn't and Revere was able to give Hancock & Adams time to escape. Half an hour after his arrival, Hawes arrived as well -- so if Revere had ridden a little slower or had been captured, William Hawes would be the name we all know, instead of Paul Revere. Anyway, Revere and Hawes started to head back to Boston, heading south from Lexington to Concord. But they only made it halfway when they were charged by two British officers. The pair rode off, splitting up and while Hawes escaped, Revere through dumb bad luck, happened upon half a dozen more British officers. Officers who by the way weren't looking for him -- but deserters from the British army. They interrogated Revere and threatened to kill him if he lied even once. This was a time when honor meant a lot, so Revere answered all of their questions truthfully, including leading them back to the house where Hancock and Adams once were. Only since both had been given time to escape, it didn't make any difference. There was gunfire at the Brits arrival, only it wasn't directed at them, but to serve as a warning to Revolutionists in the area. The Brits realized the alarm had been sent out and after stealing Revere's horse, rode away to warn their side that Americans knew the jig was up. The End.

Now that I'm done, I can actually look around online and realize I forgot a few things: Revere was chased and almost captured on his second ride out to Lexington, Joseph Warren was a surgeon (not just a doctor), that Revere was joined on his return trip by Samuel Prescott, that he and William Dawes were orignally captured right alongside Paul Revere but managed to escape, the house than Hancock/Adams were hiding out at wasn't Hancock's at all but that of the Reverend Jonas Clarke.... just to name a few. Point being, my memory is pretty good, but not perfect. Bygones. Anyway let's not trust my booze soaked memory, let's read about what happened to Paul revere, in Paul Revere's own words:

"After I had been there about half an hour Mr. Dawes arrived, who came from Boston, over the neck: we set off for Concord, & were overtaken by a young gentlemen named Prescot, who belonged to Concord, & was going home; when we had got about half way from Lexington to Concord, the other two, stopped at a house to awake the man, I kept along, when I had got about 200 yards of them; I saw two officers as before, I called to my company to come up, saying here was two of them (for I had told them what Mr. Devens told me, and of my being stoped) in an instant, I saw four of them, who rode up to me, with their pistols in their hands, said G____dd____n you stop if you go an inch further, you are a dead Man,' immediately Mr. Prescot came up we attempted to git thro them, but they kept before us, and swore if we did not turn into that pasture, they would blow our brains out, (they had placed themselves opposite to a pair of Barrs, and had taken the Barrs down) they forced us in, when we had got in, Mr. Precot said put on, He took to the left, I to the right towards a wood, at the bottom of the Pasture intending, when I gained that, to jump my Horse & run afoot.

Just as I reached it, out started six officers, seized my bridle, put their pistols to my Breast, ordered me to dismount, which I did: One of them, who appeared to have the command there, and much of a Gentleman, asked me where I came from; I told him, he asked what time I left it, I told him, he seemed surprised said Sr. may I have your name, I answered my name is Revere, what said he, Paul Revere; I answered yes; the others abused much, but he told me not to be afraid, no one should hurt me; I told him they would miss their aim. He said they should not, they were only awaiting for some deserters they expected down the Road. I told him I knew better, I knew what they were after; that I had alarmed the country all the way up, that their Boats were catch'd aground, and I should have 500 men there soon; one of them said they had 1,500 coming: he seemed surprised and rode off into the road, and informed them who took me, they came down immediately on a full gallop, one of them (whom I since learned was Major Mitchell of the 5th Reg.) Clap (doug d) his pistol to my head, and said he was going to ask me some questions, if I did not tell him the truth, he would blow my brains out.

I told him I esteemed myself a Man of truth, that he had stopped me on the highway, & made me a prisoner, I knew not by what right; I would tell him the truth; I was not afraid; He then asked me, the same questions that the other did, and many more, but was more particular; I gave him much the same answers; he then Ordered me to mount my horse, they first searched me for pistols. When I was mounted the Major took the reins out of my hand, and said by G___d Sr. you are not to ride with reins I assure you; and gave them to an officer on my right, to lead me, he then Ordered 4 men out of the Bushes, &to mount their horses; they were countrymen whom they had stopped, who were going home; then ordered us to march. He said to me We are now going towards your friends, and if you attempt to run, or we are insulted, we will blow your Brains out.'

When we had got into the Road they formed a circle, and ordered the prisoners in the center, & to lead me in the front. We rid towards Lexington, a quick pace; They very often insulted me calling me Rebel &c. &c. after we had got about a mile, I was given to the Serjant to lead, he was Ordered to take out his pistol, (he rode with a hanger,) and if I ran, to execute the major's sentence; When we got within about half a mile of the meeting house, we heard a gun fired; the major asked me what it was for, I told him to alarm the country; he ordered the four prisoners to dismount, they did, then one of the officers dismounted and cutt the bridles, and saddles, off the Horses, & drove them away, and told the men they might go about their business; I asked the Major to dismiss me, he said he would carry me, lett the consequence be what it will. He then Ordered us to march, when we got within sight of the meeting House, we heard a Volley of guns fired, as I supposed at the tavern, as an alarm; the major ordered us to halt, he asked me how for it was to Cambridge, and many more questions, which I answered: he then asked the Serjant, if his horse was tired, he said yes; he Ordered him to take my horse; I dismounted, the Serjant mounted my horse; they cutt the Bridles & Saddle & of the Serjants horse, & rode off, down the road.

Now maybe I'm taking this a little personally because I lived in that area for so long. And unfortunately, there are only a small handful of things that people remember regarding the American Revolution: the city of Boston (the Boston Tea Party, the Boston Massacre), the year 1776, and a few names (Paul Revere being among them). Anything that doesn't fit into that little box gets twisted and folded until it does. I think that if you were to give an immigration citizenship test to the average person on the street, we'd consider ourselves lucky if we maintained a C average. When was the Declaration of Independence signed? 1776. When was the Constitution written? 1776. When was the Bill of Rights adopted? 1776. What year was the Liberty Bell forged? 1776. What year was Washington elected as our first President? 1776. But it's completely understandable to not know the exact role that Revere played that night -- again, most people only know what they've heard in Longfellow's poem. But I think a much better -- and more respectable answer might have been for her to have responded, "Well you know, I'm not entirely sure of all the things Paul Revere did that night, so one of the things I was hoping to accomplish during this trip was to separate fact from fiction and get a better understanding of our American heritage, and I encourage others to do the same."

Instead? Call it a brain fart, call it a mental mix up, slip of the tongue, misunderstanding the question, whatever..... and I hate to crush your spirit Glenn, but yes, but Palin royally fucked the dog on this one. Getting that deer in the headlights look and spewing out a few key words such as: 'Revere' and 'British' and 'warning' and 'riding his horse' and 'gonna be free' -- amongst an avalanche of other mindless off topic drivel, does not make her anywhere near accurate in my book. If I gave that answer on an 3rd grade grade history test, I'd fucking fail. You know why? Because it's fucking retarded, that's why. Not in any way, shape or form can the bullshit that spews out of her mouth -- "He warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells. And making sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were gonna be free." -- be loosely translated as accurate. And any fucking clown who tries to massage a wrong answer into some thinly veiled hint of the truth is a fucking idiot and deserves their own a clown song, you included. Otherwise I suppose one could say the Titanic wasn't a complete failure because hey, some seven hundred people ultimately made it to New York, right? You fucking moron.

Hey Ernie, I'm glad you touched on the story about the excess bag fees charged by Delta airlines to a group of soldiers traveling on orders. I just separated from the Marine Corps last week after 5 years and every time the military sent me somewhere and I traveled on a commercial airline there was always a bullet or paragraph at the bottom detailing what to do if you were charged excess baggage. When it came down to it, if you were ordered to have X amount of bags and the airline said no, you're only only Y amount of bags, you paid out of pocket, took the receipt and turned it in with your travel claim and Uncle Sam would reimburse you. Now I know $200 is kinda steep but if these soldiers were just returning from Afghanistan I highly doubt they didn't have the money in their bank accounts to cover it. This isn't a knock on these soldiers or the airline but was a You Tube video really required to get their point across? Did they really have a point to get across? Another thing that this reminded me of was this article that I got from another military related forum. Basically the jist of it is the City of Wichita Falls, TX which hosts an active Air Force base has an "initiative" to allow uniformed service members head of the line privileges anywhere in the city. The topic on the other forum was "Has Support the Troops Fever gone too far?" The forum is made up of mostly younger active duty Marines and some of us recently separated and our consensus was, yes this is just a little too far. Were all able bodied young Americas and standing in line an extra couple of minutes isn't going to hurt any of us. If someone wants to show their thanks, shake our hand and say thank you, none of us are going to turn down a free beer at the bar if you offer, and heck in return we'll share with you some of our stores from the sandbox or other exotic locales around the world but, we don't need to be treated like Kings and Queens wherever we go. I'm glad to see someone taking "support the troops" to another level rather than just sticking a yellow ribbon magnet on their car and saying they do so but I am curious to hear your's and your other readers comment on this topic. BTW, love the site man, I read it before I enlisted and even 5 years later I check it as much as I can. Thanks for all you do. ~James from Wyoming

I hate those yellow ribbon magnets because the only people who benefit from them are the fucking Chinese who make them. Oh, and here's an entire article written about Natalie Portman's ass, including charts and graphs. You're welcome.

When we think of MMA Ring Girls – or Octagon Girls, as they are referred to in the wasteland – Arianny Celeste is the first name that comes to mind despite the many other gorgeous women who have graced us with their presence in the octagon over the years. But although Arianny may be sitting comfortably at the top of the MMA Ring Girl hierarchy at the moment, she may want to look out for a sexy, blond up-and-comer by the name of Kelli Hutcherson. Take a look at the images of Miss Strikeforce 2011 and you will know exactly what I'm talking about.

so long, liberty belle, we hardly knew ye - inside the officer of aol (21 pictures)

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