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Ernie's House of Whoopass! June 23, 2011
June 23, 2011

It's Not A Good Week To Be A Criminal.

NBC affiliate WHEC-TV in my hometown of Rochester, N.Y., reported Tuesday on an incident in which police arrested a woman who filmed a traffic stop from her front yard and refused an officer’s order to go into her house. The woman, 28-year-old Emily Good, was later charged with a misdemeanor: obstructing governmental administration. As WHEC reports in this follow-up story, “The fundamental question being debated here is this -- should she have been forced to follow a police officer's order or was she lawfully within her rights to remain on her front lawn?" Watch the video of the incident and see what you think.

And then from Boston, looks like they finally nailed Whitey Bulger. Not that really catching and incarcerating a guy at 81 years of age is any real punishment. But Whitey was a real life crime boss that was still in power when I got to Boston back in 1992, driving around town in a new Caddilac every year. So when he fled two years later, it was big fucking news and the FBI has been on the lookout ever since. He and the FBI have been going round and round for some 17 years now, so it's very interesting to me to see him finally caught. [part 1 - part 2]

Just like a superhero team or jewel thief gang needs each member to specialize in a different skill set, a good circle of friends also needs a wide range of useful skills. While a superhero team might need a guy who is superstrong and a guy who has a lot of gadgets, your friend team might consist of a guy who can get you discounts at the Best Buy and a guy who's totally cool with feeding your cats when you're out. When I suggest assembling such a team, I'm not suggesting you go around preying upon emotionally vulnerable people who can do useful things for you and pretend to be their friend. I'm just saying that if you happen to run into some cool people you enjoy hanging out with, who also own a pickup truck, don't take them for granted.

So it's been confirmed that Ryan Dunn was completely shitfaced when he slammed his Porsche into a fucking tree, killing himself and his passenger. So what time is it? That's right, it's physics time. The speed of the car was 132mph, which equals 212.43 kph. His Porsche had a curb weight of 3,075 lbs, or 1,395 kg. I don't know for sure how much Ryan Dunn weighed, but let's guess 200lbs, which equals 90 kg. Plugging all that juicy stuff in we get...

KE = ½mass x velocity2
KE = (1,485 kg / 2) x (212.4 m/s x 212.4 m/s)
KE = (742.5) x (45,133.7)
KE = 33,511,772 joules of energy

So what did his body look like afterwards? Well, absorbing three and a half million joules of energy is the equivilent to having a 24,000 lbs dropped onto him (think school bus) from a 1 foot height. Or an unhindered freefall from a height of 2,300 meters (7,545 feet). Or cradling 14.91 lbs of TNT in his lap as it exploded. And just for the record, the poor bastard sitting in the passenger seat was Zachary Hartwell -- not that you see see Bam Margera crying for him. Oh, and the nice tits you see around the 0:45 mark belong to Missy Margera who posed for Playboy in 2006. So go eat a box of ox cocks, dude. I beat off to your wife. And I still can't remember my physics teacher's name.

Don't forget, pig fucker - you can use them for cooking as well! I remember the first time I saw one of the original Iron Chefs (the Japanese ones, not the American wannabees) use a pig bladder to cook in. Part of me said "eeeeeew!" and another part of me wanted to try the food. - Phil

Ernie, Not to detract from a great story, but at the mark 1:07 of the UCLA Operation Mend video, is that a dwarf cheerleader?! I've never seen that before! Tried to look her up, but came up with bupkiss! BTW, since dropping the f-bomb on your Facebook, my kids now are having me say "Jackleg" whenever I feel the need! Cheers, Charley

So everyone has their panties in a twist for Cowboys vs Aliens which hits theatres July 29th (trailer #2). Yeah I'll go see it, even if they didn't cast CLINT EASTWOOD in the leading role -- because he wouldn't need any more than his trusty ol Colt 1851 Navy, not some some double-wedgie double-nutshot contraption strapped to his arm like that fag Daniel Craig. Well that and Olivia Wilde -- who evidently is human just like the rest of us. She just spends more time at the gym and in front of the makeup table.

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