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Ernie's House of Whoopass! July 5, 2011
July 5, 2011

Florida: Our Murderers Are Hotter Than Your Murderers.

As for me, I went down to the Red White and Boom fireworks display that the Cape puts on each year. It was crowded as shit, the beers were $6, and the bugs were feasting on everybody. Needless to say I didn't stay long, instead electing to fall back and watch the fireworks from the roof of my house an hour or so later. But I did observe one rather disturbing encounter. Amongst all of the vendors -- Italian sausages, pizza, burgers, lemonade, glow sticks, election commission -- I was pleasantly surprised to see the Army had set up a trailer. As I got closer, there were several soldiers wearing their digital camouflage uniforms, enthusiastically meeting and greeting anyone who wanted to talk. Posing for pictures, talking about Army life, listening to tales from grey haired veterans... pretty much doing some great PR work. The booth they were working from was more of an entertainment center: a big tractor-trailer where the entire side folded open. Inside were several of the "Army of One" first-person-shooter games that were all available to play. Players were shooting mock M4's, .50 cal machine guns, and a couple more I couldn't see because it was too crowded. Complimenting the flashing screens and stereo sound effects, Katy Perry belted from the overhead loudspeakers, enticing all the penises with her accounts of her Teenage Dream.

But the interaction that really caught my attention occurred between a soldier and a young guy who looked to be in his late teens. The already-in-progress war scene that played out on the simulator was without a doubt in a Middle Eastern scenario: everything was fucking brown, dirt roads, one and two story white buildings everywhere with colorful awnings out front. I don't think it was designed to be any one specific place (e.g. Iraq or Afghanistan) but more of a locale. And as the kid was banging away sending beams of light at the bad guys, I overheard the recruiter say something to the effect of, "Yep, do you hear that radio talk? That's real stuff. And this is the same kind of equipment that real soldiers are using nowadays." Right about that time, the right side of the screen started to flash little pulses of red. "What's that mean," the kid asks. "That means you're being attacked on the right side. [Recruiter points] Point the gun here to turn right." The kid does what he's told and the screen pans right to show an enemy fighter on the roof of an adjacent building, shooting downward towards [you]. And just as the kid is bringing the mock up rifle to bear on his target, the enemy bad guy scores what seems to be the kill shot as the entire screen adopts a red tint and the rifle no longer responds to the kid's movements. "What's that mean," our clueless product of Florida's education system asked. The recruiter shrugged and reached over, "That just means you hit reset and try again."

Now I've known quite a few recruiters in my time, both the one who got me to sign on the dotted line some 500 years ago, and a handful of others when I was enlisted. I understand that recruiting is a sales job; you're essentially selling the Army (or whatever branch). And I know that part of that job is getting the people in the door, and cool shit is going to do that for you. And of course there are the standard little white lies that all recruiters tell, "What job do you want? Electric Dog Polisher? Yeah no problem, we need Electric Dog Polishers at all the bases, so you'll pretty much have your pick of where you want to be stationed." But I'm just not quite sure I'm comfortable with using video games and big titted pop stars to seal the deal.

Other than that, it was a pretty crazy weekend in the octogon though, eh? When Jenna Jameson's parents got divorced when she was young... the judge asked her which of her parents she wanted to live with. The judge asked her if she wanted to live with her father. She replied, "No, because he beats me." The judge then asked if she then wanted to go live with her mother. Jenna replied, "No, because she beats me as well." Then the judge asked, "Well, who do you want to live with then?" "Well," Jenna replied," I want to live with Tito Ortiz." "Tito Ortiz?" the judge asked, "Why?" "Because Tito Ortiz can't beat anybody." Until now.

Hey Ern, love the site. I watch this dude regularly on the youtube and he is normally a very safety savvy shooter. Goes to show it can happen to any of us if we aren't careful. Kinda glad he got it on tape though! Take care. Dave

Ernie, If you were to offer any fireworks safety tips on EHOWA this weekend, this might be worth considering for inclusion. Don't leave your fireworks in the hot car. Have a Great 4th! Steve A.

In sports, the surprise sexy moment can be a gift. Sometimes, something as simple as a wardrobe malfunction or spirited celebration can lead to an unexpectedly hot moment. In this slideshow, we honor those moments.

"Game of Thrones" debuts strong and "Modern Family" retains its place in the top three, but nothing stood in the way of AMC's freshman dramas, "The Killing" and "The Walking Dead," from sharing the spoils of the #1 spot.

[Regarding my Ryan Dunn crash calculations from 6/23] Ernie, It is true that 132 miles per hour = 212.43 kilometers per hour, but in your calculations, you have changed kph to meters per second... without doing the conversion -- 132 miles/hour = 212.43 kilometers/hour = 59 meters/second. So...

KE = ½mass x velocity^2
KE = (1,485 kg / 2) x (59 m/s x 59 m/s)
KE = (742.5) x (3,481)
KE = 2,584,642 joules of energy

Still impressive, but only about 6% of your original calculation! Have a great day. Bill

GODAMMIT. Just when I think I escaped my public school education? They pull me back in. The official Dickhouse TV tribute to Ryan Dunn. Why they didn't include this one, I'll never know.

The Middle Ages saw everything from the breakdown of Roman society to the Crusades, along with advances in Medieval technology, but birth control methods remained crude. In Europe, amulets were prescribed to women as contraception. Supposedly, a woman could wear a bone from the right side of a black cat around her neck and she wouldn’t conceive. Yeah I know, boner killer, right? And if you're out of black cats? It was also common to use wreaths made of hare anuses, mule earwax, or even dried weasel testicles.

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