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Ernie's House of Whoopass! July 7, 2011
July 7, 2011

A Very Important Life Lesson.

My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to refill the empty jar with rocks 2" diameter, right to the top. She then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was. She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, settled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was. She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles. "Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box 360, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important." I was dumbfounded. Where the fuck was she going to get more mayonnaise for my sandwich?

They may have gained fame from their attorney father, but the Kardashian sisters love to pose for the camera and attract the eyes of every man on the planet. Aside from a stunning ass, Kim is known most for her provocative sex tape -- distributed by Vivid Entertainment, keep that in mind) -- while Kourtney is known as the second hottest sister, giving Kim some competition. Instead of hating, let's appreciate. Here are fifty of the hottest Kardashian bikini pics, with all sisters included. Now why is the The Vivid Entertainment tie-in that important? Because although it looks like Casey Anthony won't have to worry about making pruno anytime soon, yesterday Steve Hirsch of Vivid reached out to Anthony's attorney with an offer of a "business relationship." Oh c'mon, don't get all high and mighty, you know you would. But that was yesterday as against my advice, Hirsch has rescinded the offer, again telling TMZ, "We were ready to make an offer to Casey to star in one of our feature films. It's clear to me now, however, that there has been an overwhelmingly negative response to our offer and so we've decided to withdraw it. We now believe that we underestimated the emotional response that people are having to the verdict. A movie starring Casey Anthony is not what people want to see." Bullshit, yes I do.

Ernie, I just sent you the email with the video titled "Gas Prices", but what I forgot to tell you is that her name is Karen Alloy and she looks even better naked [better link than yesterday]! Enjoy, Your avid reader, Dan

Ernie, I'm sure you're well-aware, but the Communist goals listed by Representative Herlong in the the early 60's were taken verbatim from "The Naked Communist," a book written by a Mormon anti-Communist named Cleon Skousen. The list is a way of attacking Communists basically by putting words in their mouths, and none of the points are actually accurate in terms of Communist philosophy. In fact, they read like modern "conservative" values. Glenn Beck does this schtick on his program all the time. From your friendly Canadian libertarian, Courtland

Hey Rocco, lemme just get a pic with you and Grandma . . . Great! Charlie

hey buddy, one question: is biertijd a German term for meat curtains? Eric

Wait, meat curtains? Why whatever do you mean? And whatever you do, don't click on these meat curtains.

Kelvinator is an appliance brand. It takes its name from William Thomson, 1st Baron Kelvin, who developed the concept of absolute zero and for whom the Kelvin temperature scale is named. The name was thought appropriate for a company that manufactured ice-boxes and domestic refrigerators.

If you've been keeping notes, I recently posted about the Ed Hardy Swimsuit Fashion Show, and here are some more great photos from the event. This time we have some beautiful Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders modeling Ed Hardy swimwear and other fashions.

This joke might include a little racial profiling, but here goes anyway. An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO said, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!" The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank! The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass. One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank. "Simple" said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, 'How would you like to get a 3-day pass?'

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