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Ernie's House of Whoopass! July 11, 2011
July 11, 2011

It's A Motherfucking Mosquito Holocaust Out There Right Now.

And no, I'm not talking about the British ones.

There's a small pond behind my house and even though it's fairly stagnant water because it isn't fed from any running source, the mosquito population never gets too bad. There are a lot of small fish along the shallow water near the banks and they do a pretty good job at controlling the mosquito population when they're still in the larval and pupal stages. And sure there are a few that manage to sneak out and survive to adulthood, but those are kept in check by these little black dragon flies which I very quickly learned to recognize as being one of the good guys around here. But last week we had a couple of really heavy downpours back to back, and that allowed some standing water to gather in a vacant field next to my house. And a pretty healthy amount of water -- enough to let a family of ducklings ducks paddle around for a couple of days. So with all that standing water and no natural enemies to keep their exploding population in check? It's a Motherfucking Mosquito Holocaust out there right now.

Taking the dogs outside has become an almost intolerable chore -- I'm outside no more than ten seconds and I'm swatting mosquitos off of me and the dogs. They're easy to spot on Bianca because she's white, but they're almost impossible to see on Ike (black) until its too late. And the mosquitos that I miss? They end up making it inside the house and becoming an even bigger nuisance. As if Bianca wasn't scratching enough because of her skin allergies, now she's got a few mosquito bites to contend with as well. First Bianca scratches, then I yell at her to stop scratching, then she stops. Then we repeat the whole process over again less than a minute later. Every hour. Of every day. For the last week. Some quick research tells me that female mosquitos have a lifespan of (about) one month, I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks.

I had honestly considered going all high tech in my war against these little winger motherfuckers, and started looking for a nice infrared/carbon dioxide system to help me out but according to the American Mosquito Control Association, "these devices will, indeed, trap and kill measurable numbers of mosquitoes," but their effectiveness in any particular case will depend on a number of factors such as the size and species of the mosquito population and the type and location of the breeding habitat. They are useful in specimen collection studies to determine the types of mosquitoes prevalent in an area but are typically far too inefficient to be useful in reducing mosquito populations.

In the end, I elected to hire hire Ice-T to sit outside my house and many this mosquito shooting laser system. But until that gets delivered, I'm going to put on a biohazard suit and go pump bug spray for a quarter mile radious of my house. Wish us luck.

Hi Ernie, This is what a 2010 Ferrari California looks like after it is stolen and burnt out,it was taken from a local billionaires house during a break in and found later looking like this. love the site. Matt

Ernie, On yesterday's the bottom...the blonde from the Bullz-eye link. Her name is Lisa...her dance group (The Purrfect Angelz) is competing on America's Got Talent. Put a shout out for people to vote for them! Why? Because in the last 8 years, that same group of women have done no less than fifteen 2-week tours to Afghanistan and Iraq to entertain the troops...and that is including Fallujah in 2004 (not a nice neighborhood at the time). All that "hotness" puts on kevlar and goes where we go! They bleed red, white and blue, and they are VERY easy on the eyes! Tell your readers to vote for them....they have earned it. Dan

Ernie - today's site update on pruno reminded me of, a site I used to check all the time for the author's hilarious writing, but had forgotten all about until your pruno link. He did a series of articles titled "Steve, don't eat it!" - among them was his experiment with pruno. It's laugh-out-loud funny. Other great ones were the potted meat, beggin strips, breast milk (where he also makes chocolate breast milk), Cuitlacoche and my personal favorite, Natto. Really funny stuff - check it out. Scott Z

Supremodel Irina Shaykhlislamova (Shayk) was born in Yemanzhelinsk, Russia. Shayk says that she got her unusual looks from her father, and she has said that people often think she is South American. "My father was dark skinned, because he was Tatar. Sometimes Tatars can look Brazilian," she says. "I get my light eyes from my mother." Shayk's mother was a pianist who was the music teacher in a kindergarten, and her father was a coal miner. Her father died of complications of pneumonia when she was 14, leaving her family with little money and forcing her mother to work two jobs to provide for the family. After high school, Shayk studied marketing but was bored by it and entered a local beauty school with her elder sister. While there, she was noticed by a person from a local modeling agency who was struck by her unusual beauty. She was urged to participate in the "Miss Chelyabinsk 2004" beauty contest, and she won. On the February 14, 2011 episode of The Late Show with David Letterman, it was revealed via billboard that Shayk was the covermodel for the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Since spring of 2010, she has been dating footballer Cristiano Ronaldo. Shayk and Ronaldo allegedly met through their Armani Exchange campaigns.

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