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Once Again, The President Is Caught Between Barack And A Hard Place.

Dont understand the debt ceiling thing? Here, let Richard Schiff explain it to you like you're Kristin Chenoweth. You're welcome.

For God and Country -- Geronimo, Geronimo, Geronimo.

So I noticed a little something about the article I posted yesterday that narrarated the OBL raid. Pay attention to these two specific parts: "James, a broad-chested man in his late thirties, does not have the lithe swimmer’s frame that one might expect of a SEAL—he is built more like a discus thrower. That night, he wore a shirt and trousers in Desert Digital Camouflage, and carried a silenced Sig Sauer P226 pistol, along with extra ammunition; a CamelBak, for hydration; and gel shots, for endurance. He held a short-barrel, silenced M4 rifle. Others SEALs had chosen the Heckler & Koch MP7." And then, "Nine years, seven months, and twenty days after September 11th, an American was a trigger pull from ending bin Laden’s life. The first round, a 5.56-mm. bullet, struck bin Laden in the chest. As he fell backward, the SEAL fired a second round into his head, just above his left eye." Armed with those two pieces of information, it must have been "James" who killed Osama, since he had the only Colt M4 (which fires 5.56mm ammunition) and everyone else had H&K MP7s (which fire 4.6mm ammunition) -- Yes?

They Sank A German Destroyer (TA-27) Using Nothing But Their Enormous Balls And Machine Gun Fire.

The Tuskegee Airmen were the first African American military aviators in the United States armed forces. During World War II, African Americans in many U.S. states still were subject to racist Jim Crow laws. The American military was racially segregated, as was much of the federal government. The Tuskegee Airmen were subject to racial discrimination, both within and outside the army. Despite these adversities, they trained and flew with distinction. Although the 477th Bombardment Group worked up on North American B-25 Mitchell bombers, they never served in combat; the Tuskegee 332nd Fighter Group was the only operational unit, first sent overseas as part of Operation Torch, then in action in Sicily and Italy, before being deployed as bomber escorts in Europe where they were particularly successful in their missions. The Tuskegee Airmen initially were equipped with Curtiss P-40 Warhawks fighter-bomber aircraft, later with Republic P-47 Thunderbolts, and finally the fighter group acquired the aircraft with which they became most commonly associated, the North American P-51 Mustang. When the pilots of the 332nd Fighter Group painted the tails of their P-47's red, the nickname "Red Tails" was coined. So yeah, he completely ruined my childhood with all those edited Star Wars scenes, but George Lucas is producing the upcoming Tuskegee Airmen remake, called Red Tails and it looks motherfucking AWESOME. I have no doubt the movie will open with the singing of the Star Spangled Banner, preferable sung by this seven year old, since she makes most celebrities sound like a bag of smashed assholes.

Will The Real Superman Please Stand Up. ... Oh Wait, My Bad.

It's been a long time since we've been graced with the presence of the REAL Superman. Almost seven years, in fact. I recall watching Superman The Movie quite fondly -- the helicopter crash, saving the airliner, stealing the nuclear missile and the ensuing earthquake -- Gene Hackman played the perfect Lex Luthor, by the way -- and even Superman turning back time. It was the perfect superhero movie. Then Superman II and III were just as big of blockbusters as their predecessor -- remember when Zod threw Superman into a Marlboro truck, and even Office Space paid homage to Superman III. It wasn't until Superman IV that the seemingly infallible franchise would fall flat on its face. And there it lay dormant for 19 years until some tool named Brandon Routh tried to resurrect the character in Superman Returns, but even Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor couldn't save that raging piece of shit. Undaunted by their failures and seeming incapable of learning a simple lesson, Hollywood is indeed trying reboot the franchise again, this time with Man of Steel due out in 2013. I'm just thinking that maybe instead of remaking the remakes that remade the remakes of the originals, maybe they ought to focus their efforts elsewhere, like a good prequel instead?

So Long, Troops Aboard That Chinook, We Hardly Knew Ye. Rest Easy.

I Killed A Lot Of Germans, And I Am Only Sorry I Didn't Kill More.

One of the most highly decorated Allied secret agents of World War II, Nancy Wake, has died in London aged 98. Born in New Zealand but raised in Australia, she is credited with helping hundreds of Allied personnel escape from occupied France. The German Gestapo named her the "White Mouse" because she was so elusive. Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard said Mrs Wake was "a truly remarkable individual whose selfless valour and tenacity will never be forgotten". "Nancy Wake was a woman of exceptional courage and resourcefulness whose daring exploits saved the lives of hundreds of Allied personnel and helped bring the Nazi occupation of France to an end," Ms Gillard said in a statement.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

You've all heard me bitch and moan about how Hollywood seems to completely out of ideas since the only thing that seems to be rolling out of Tinseltown lately is one shitty remake after another. Normally I would take the time to again express how much this trouble me, but I don't want to remake an olt rant. You see what I did there? But I couldn't fully discuss this topic without first nothing that there have been a few -- a few -- remakes that I've actually liked. So I sat and pondered for awhile and tried to see if there was a common thread between those remakes and the ones that seem like the retarded sister, and I actually found a common thread. See for yourself:

I Dunno What Made Me Think Cabbie Was Dead.

Ernest Borgnine (born Ermes Effron Borgnino; January 24, 1917) is an American actor of television and film. His career has spanned more than six decades. He was an unconventional lead in many films of the 1950s, including his Academy Award-winning turn in the 1955 film Marty, and his reprised role as "Cabbie" in John Carpenter's 1981 film, "Escape From New York". On television, he played Quinton McHale in the 1962-66 series McHale's Navy and costarred in the mid-1980s action series Airwolf, in addition to a wide variety of other roles. Borgnine is also known for his role as Mermaid Man in the animated television series SpongeBob SquarePants. Borgnine joined the United States Navy in 1935, after graduation from James Hillhouse High School in New Haven, Connecticut. He was discharged in 1941, but re-enlisted when the United States entered World War II and served until 1945 (a total of ten years), reaching the rank of Gunner's Mate 1st Class. He served aboard the destroyer USS Lamberton (DD-119). His military decorations included the Navy Good Conduct Medal, American Defense Service Medal with Fleet Clasp, American Campaign Medal, Asiatic-Pacific Campaign Medal and the World War II Victory Medal. In 2004, Borgnine received the honorary rank of Chief Petty Officer from the Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Terry D. Scott -- the US Navy's highest ranking enlisted sailor at the time -- for Borgnine's support of the Navy and naval families worldwide. Borgnine's autobiography Ernie was published by Citadel Press in July 2008. Ernie is a loose, conversational recollection of highlights from his acting career and notable events from his personal life. In the wake of the book's publication, he began a small promotional tour, visiting independent bookstores in the Los Angeles area to promote the book's release and meet some of his fans. Ernest Borgnine has volunteered to be Stories of Service National spokesman, urging his fellow World War II vets to come forward and share their stories. On October 2, 2010, Borgnine appeared as himself in a sketch on Saturday Night Live. So not only is Ernest Borgnine still alive and kicking, but he is to headline a McHale's Navy themed cruise in December of this year.

London Calling + Burning Down The House = ???.

From the Yeah-My-Saiga-Shotgun-Ain't-So-Ludicrous-Now-Is-It Department: Operation Withern is investigating the serious disorder and violence that has been affecting parts of London. Operation Withern's priority is to bring to justice those who have committed violent and criminal acts. As the detailed and thorough investigation progresses we will be issuing photographs of people we want to speak with. If anyone recognises individuals in these photographs or has any information about the violence and disorder that has occurred they should contact the Major Investigation Team on 020 8345 4142. Alternatively anyone can report crime and provide information anonymously to Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

Here's A Story, And It's True.

Stalag Luft III was a Luftwaffe-run prisoner-of-war camp during World War II that housed captured air force servicemen. It was in the German Province of Lower Silesia near the town of Sagan (now Zagan in Poland), about 100 miles southeast of Berlin. The site was selected because it would be difficult to escape by tunnelling. However, the camp is best known for two famous prisoner escapes that took place there by tunnelling, which were depicted in the films The Great Escape (1963) and The Wooden Horse. In the Spring of 1943, Squadron Leader Roger Bushell RAF conceived a plan for a major escape from the camp, which occurred the night of March 24–25, 1944. Bushell was held in the North Compound where British airmen were housed. He was in command of the Escape Committee and channeled the effort into probing for weaknesses and looking for opportunities. Falling back on his legal background to represent his scheme, Bushell called a meeting of the Escape Committee and not only shocked those present with its scope, but injected into every man a passionate determination to put their every energy into the escape. He declared, "Everyone here in this room is living on borrowed time. By rights we should all be dead! The only reason that God allowed us this extra ration of life is so we can make life hell for the Hun... In North Compound we are concentrating our efforts on completing and escaping through one master tunnel. No private-enterprise tunnels allowed. Three bloody deep, bloody long tunnels will be dug - Tom, Dick, and Harry. One will succeed!" The simultaneous digging of these tunnels would become an advantage if any one of them was discovered by the Germans, because the guards would scarcely imagine that another two could be well underway. The most radical aspect of the plan was not merely the scale of the construction, but the sheer number of men that Bushell intended to pass through these tunnels. Previous attempts had involved the escape of anything up to a dozen or twenty men, but Bushell was proposing to get in excess of 200 out, all of whom would be wearing civilian clothes and possessing a complete range of forged papers and escape equipment. It was an unprecedented undertaking and would require unparalleled organization. As the mastermind of the Great Escape, Roger Bushell inherited the codename of "Big X". The tunnel Tom began in a darkened corner of a hall in one of the buildings. Dick's entrance was carefully hidden in a drain sump in one of the washrooms. The entrance to Harry was hidden under a stove. More than 600 prisoners were involved in their construction.

Insert Your Favorite Weekeend Joke Here.

I Feel Like I'm Getting Pulled In Two Different Directions Today.

Yeah. Alright. Okay. I'm an open minded dude. Maybe I'll give the Conan the Barbarian remake a chance. Maybe.

You Know, I Put A Dollar In, I Got A Car. I Put A Dollar In, I Got A Car.

Well, one more week until ye old annual vacation. Only there won't be any swimming in the St Regis river for me this year. Nope this year I'm from Yuma, Arizona, I'm into software, and I'm going to press it because I'm a shooter. That's right. I'm Nick Pappagiorgio. So this time next week I'll be at the the Rock, Paper, Sciccors table with Clark. No I didn't go for some 5-star pimpin hotel, there will be kids abound so we opted for something that could provide both a little entertainment and a central location -- but my guess is I won't be at the hotel much anyway since I've got a To-Do list as long as my arm. You see Pops is moving back to New York from Arizona, so this will probably be the last Stewart gathering in Vegas for quite some time.

Believe It Or Not, I'm Walking On Air.

Well, if I can wrangle up the balls this time, I'm going to jump off the 829 foot Stratosphere this time. Of course I say that now, with my feet firmly planted on terra firma. Get my fat ass up to the 108th floor, and we'll see how my nerves of steel are doing. I suppose it all depends on if they'll let you jump while you're shitfaced or not. What's that, you say? From their FAQ: "Is there a bar nearby? Of course. We wouldn't expect you to contemplate a 108-story jump without the aid of some liquid courage." So booze is not only allowed, but encouraged. Excellent! But the people I really give credit to is the bunch of guys who installed this platform. Those motherfuckers must have balls of solid tungsten.

Never Argue With A Woman. Just Do As You're Told.

So evidently you guys aren't as excited about Yelena Isinbayeva as I am -- even I'll admit she's got a freaky bellybutton -- or for that matter, the the other track girls I linked earlier in the week. Something about being able to do more push-ups than you could? Then perhaps I can offer you something in a more petite size, say 5'4" Jennifer Barretta, maybe?

Yeah, I Know You. You're Snake. Snake Plissken.

If this girl had watched this video first, then she would know how to properly tie a Single Windsor knot.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here.

Holy Crap, Wayne Newton's Hittin' On Mom!

I've been telling you guys this for years, maybe now some of you will finally believe me. of course now I'm going to need you to hop on your mom and come bail me out of the Las Vegas jailhouse.

What Am I Doing In Vegas? I'm TCB, Baby. Takin' Care of Business.

Dear new gun owners: pay close attention to this and you'll thank me later when you don't shoot your cock off during a beer run. You're welcome.

Oh, Like I Travelled All This Way To Eat Delivery Pizza.

So a few people have asked me why I didn't comment on this picture of Michelle Bachman deepthroating eating a weiner. I'm sorry, but that one is just way too easy.

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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