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Ernie's House of Whoopass! August 9, 2011
August 9, 2011

Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

You've all heard me bitch and moan about how Hollywood seems to completely out of ideas since the only thing that seems to be rolling out of Tinseltown lately is one shitty remake after another. Normally I would take the time to again express how much this trouble me, but I don't want to remake an olt rant. You see what I did there? But I couldn't fully discuss this topic without first nothing that there have been a few -- a few -- remakes that I've actually liked. So I sat and pondered for awhile and tried to see if there was a common thread between those remakes and the ones that seem like the retarded sister, and I actually found a common thread. See for yourself:

Good Remakes: The Crazies (Lynn Lowry, cameo). Death Race (David Carradine, voice cameo). Dawn of the Dead (Ken Foree, cameo. Scott Reiniger, cameo. Tom Savini, cameo). Shaft (Richard Roundtree, supporting role) and SWAT (Steve Forrest Cameo) -- but no fair on those since they both couldn't possibly suck since they starred Samuel L Jackson. The Longest Yard (Burt Reynolds, role).

Shitty Rmakes: Walking Tall (Joe Don Baker, no cameo). Planet of the Apes (Charlton Heston, deceased). Poseidon/Poseidon Adventure (Gene Hackman, no role. Ernest Borgnine, deceased). True Grit (John Wayne, deceased). A Nightmare on Elm Street (Robert Englund no role). Bad News Bears (Walther Mathau, deceased. Tatum O'Neal, no role). Willy Wonka/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Gene Wilder, deceased). Gone in 60 Seconds (H. B. Halicki deceased). I Am Legend/Last Man On Earth (Vincent Price, deceased). The Karate Kid (Pat Morita, deceased, Ralph Macchio declined cameo).

So what this tells me is the original star is willing to have a role or at least make a cameo, the remake tends to do okay. if the original stars have died or thumb their nose at the remake, beware. So far the only exception to this rule seems to be Ocean's Eleven.

Keep this information in mind for the following: The Evil Dead (BRUCE FUCKING CAMPBELL IS DOING A CAMEO), Conan The Barbarian (unknown cameo since Arnold got caught with his hand in the cookie jar), Dirty Dancing (Patrick Swayze is deceased), Robocop (no word on a Peter Seller cameo yet), Fright Night (no word on a Chris Sarandon cameo yet), Total Recall (see Arnold comment above), Red Dawn (Patrick Swayze deceased, Charlie Sheen cameo rumored), Mad Max (no Mel Gibson cameo), and Footloose (Kevin Bacon declined a cameo role).

And as someone pointed out to me (bitch), Tron with Jeff Bridges is technically a sequel so even though it was awesome, it doesn't count. Same for this weekend's Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which is a prequel.

Oh, and Ball Drop -- the first person to complete all 24 levels was... the Chia Jesus!

At its average altitude of 220 miles and its orbital period of 91 minutes, the International Space Station is moving with an orbital speed of 17,240 miles per hour. Here's video of Shuttle Atlantis -- matching ISS's velocity -- flipping around for a safety check so those onboard the space station can visually inspect the shuttle's heat tiles. You can see the Earth moving in the background to give you an idea of just how fucking fast 17,240 miles per hour really is.

The rant about Netflix in today's post reminded me of my irritation from a couple days ago. I'm about halfway through watching the entire Harry Potter series, which I downloaded via torrent, and are streamed to my TV through my PS3 from my computer. These are full 1080p versions, with full surround sound, etc. No bullshit, just hit play and watch. Compare that to a couple days ago when I watched my Blu-ray copy of Casino Royale. Put the DVD in, and then endure 8-10 minutes of mostly unskippable FBI warnings, Interpol warnings, Blu-ray advertisements, admonitions that piracy is wrong, and previews that aren't really previews anymore because the movies they're advertising came out five fucking years ago. I resent the hell out of the fact that I'm forced to sit through that shit every single time I watch a movie I paid for. I also own Quantum of Solace on Blu-ray, but when I was reminded of all the extra crap on the DVD, I actually downloaded a 1080p copy while I was watching Casino Royale. By the time I was done watching CR, the download was done, and I didn't even bother to get the DVD I already own off my shelf. I just hit play. Same quality, same sound, several minutes less hassle. Attached is a graphic that I would wish for every movie executive in the business to see; it explains a lot of why I only very rarely buy movies. I still wouldn't buy every movie I ever watch, obviously, but I can honestly say that I'd own a hell of a lot more than I do, if it wasn't for my irritation with the extra nonsense. As it is, downloading is simply faster, cheaper, more convenient, and I don't even have to dust the boxes. matt

This was my grandmothers recipe for Knedliky: Czech Dumpling with Sauerkraut, and it has remained a family favorite... It should be served with roast pork, sauerkraut and a nice glass of beer. A very traditional way to eat the leftover dumplings the next day for breakfast or brunch is to chop them up into cubes, pan fry in a little butter; then add eggs and milk, and cook as if you are making scrambled eggs.

From the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Department -- an officer with the Fort Myers Police Department encountered some unusual suspects holding up traffic. Ten tiny ducklings were attempting to cross the road but got stuck near the overpass at Colonial Boulevard and U.S. 41 (that's about 13 miles from my house). Without help they were sure to be squashed by traffic. Officer Glenn Eppler's dash cam caught the incident on video, but the rescue proved to be difficult as it wasn't easy getting the ducks in a row. Ultimately the ducks were taken to a grassy area and reunited with their mother -- lucky ducks. Now poor Officer Eppler has to suffer through vegan chocolates.

The Women's Tennis Association is currently in Toronto for the Rogers Cup at the Rexall Center. I think it is safe to say that these gorgeous tennis rear ends are easily enough to convince any male that women's tennis is one of the most watchable female sports out there.

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