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Ernie's House of Whoopass! August 15, 2011
August 15, 2011

I Feel Like I'm Getting Pulled In Two Different Directions Today.

Yeah. Alright. Okay. I'm an open minded dude. Maybe I'll give the Conan the Barbarian remake a chance. Maybe.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said it is "urging consumers to stop participating" in the activity, adding that the commission "does not know of any safe way to use this product." The inflatable spheres are common at amusement parks, malls and fairs, and are frequently used by children. A rider climbs inside the ball via a zipper opening. The ball rolls along the top of the water as the rider walks, akin to a hamster moving a wheel. Manufacturers, for their part, say the water-walking balls are safe. "There are now hundreds of thousands of the water balls in use around the world being used safely," said Charles Jones, head of Viale Campania in Monza, Italy, who claims to have invented the water sphere 14 years ago. The 6 1/2-foot water-walking balls contain about 90 minutes worth of oxygen, he said, while a ride typically lasts five to seven minutes.

Hey look, a dog swimming with dolphins!

It was January 17, 1991, and Desert Storm had just kicked off. At the head of the opening salvo of explosions were Captains James Denton and Brent Brandon. They were piloting an EF-111 Raven, which is basically a fighter/bomber that has been modified to be a radar jammer. So all of its weapons had been removed and replaced with the equipment to send out the powerful signals that would confuse the Iraqi radar. Even though they weren't carrying bombs or missiles of their own, their job was crucial -- if they failed the Iraqis could create mass havoc for the dozens of bombers in the strike force. To up the danger level, the night time bombing mission was flying between two major Iraqi Air Bases. When the Iraqis realized their radars were being jammed, they sent up some of their best fighter jets. One Iraqi jet, a highly maneuverable and heavily armed Dassault Mirage F1, spotted the unarmed EF-111 and went in for the kill. Denton turned in an attempt to avoid the attacking Mirage but within seconds, the more maneuverable Mirage had locked onto the EF-111 and fired a heat-seeking missile, homing in on the hot exhaust pouring out of the Raven's engines. Denton did the only thing he could do -- he yanked on the stick and banked the plane into a 5-G turn, which was as about as much force as that aircraft could take without something important breaking off of it from the stress. At this point, the two aircraft are skimming along at just 400 feet off the ground. In the dark. Reminder: Jets do not have headlights. The Iraqi plane locked on again, ready to fire. At that moment, the pilot of a nearby American F-15 fighter jet finally spotted his unarmed comrade about to get blown out of the sky and was ready to try a long-range shot to save his fellow pilots' lives... but he'd never get a chance to pull the trigger. Denton, in his F-111, barely cleared a ridge. But the Iraqi pilot didn't -- he crashed and exploded into a fireball. This is known in military circles as the "Han-Solo-losing-TIE-fighters-in-an-asteroid-field" maneuver. Both Denton and Brandon were awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross, for performing the only known kill of a jet by an unarmed aircraft.

Wait, the shallow whores part I get. But uesless, filty fucking, cock sucking, cum guzzling, pass around whore, fuck toy for WHAT use? OPE? What the fuck is that?

Big Ern, A few months ago I told you I saw Bobby from 'Sons of Anarchy' in my neighborhood and that some guy told me they were shooting in the park (false). So after driving around, peering, rubber-necking, trolling, and rolling slowly past every film shoot like a child molester, I came up with jack squat. So yesterday, I was helping my daughter with her annual lemonade sale on the corner, when who walks up but Bobby "Elvis" Munson (real name Mark Boone Jr)! Turns out he lives in the neighborhood. So I'm standing there a little gobsmacked, and I try to make a little joke to calm myself a little. I wish I could take it back. "Wow, hey man, don't tell Jax, I've been dealing in Charming." He looks at me like I'm half-retarded (I never go full-retard), and say, "Huh? Uhhh, OK, I try to do that." like he has NO idea what I'm talking about, I must have the wrong guy, etc. So I'm standing there feeling like a putz, and I only have our crappy house phone that takes real shitty pics. I called up the wife and said, "Get down here with some more ice and bring the phone!" But by now he's giving me the eye and can see I'm preparing to be a fanboy, so I can't explain to her, "Yeah, Bobby Fucking Munson is here and I want to take a picture" in front of him, because the air was real real sour. He was kinda glaring at me like, "Dude, don't try it." Of course the wife never made it, and he left. So we were supposed to use the proceeds of the sale to go to the waterpark today, but I convinced my daughter to have another sale today (I know, I'm evil) so I can hopefully get a snap of Bobby, because pics or it didn't happen, I know. BTW, he liked the lemonade and oatmeal cookies . . . Cheers, Charley

Big Ern, So today no show for Bobby . . . but the guy that was with him last time showed up. So I said, yeah I felt stupid blah blah blah, and he said, "Yeah, Mark got back in the car and was like, "WTF, I can't buy a lemonade without some asshole . . ." But he said "believe me, YOU are tame compared to some people." So I said, yeah fair enough, can you tell him I'm not a fanboy, blah blah blah? So he said, "Just have your kid out here next week, and he'll probably agree to a picture with her and her awesome lemonade stand." So I'll keep you posted . . No need to post this stuff . . . Like I said, pix or it didn't happen! Cheers, Charley

Well Charley did sent in some photos, but they weren't of Bobby/Boone. What were they? Well you guys watch Dexter, right? The souvenirs from all the people he's killed -- you know, with the little drops of blood -- what're those things called? Microscope slides, right?

Jessica Vargas was discovered in Las Vegas during the Search for the Most Beautiful Latina. Here are some great bikini shots of Jessica at the pool at The Palms.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt. And so wtih taht in mnid.

only in Texas, spotted this beauty in Houston -LT

Found this at a second hand store in Toronto Ca. Rob

Well Rob, you may use the backdoor to sneak into the Glory Hole Pub, but please ABSOLUTELY NO ASIANS allowed.

Fast cars, fast tracks, and fast women are all some of my favorite things. When you put them all together, you are in store for one hell of a ride. These women have combined beauty, athleticism, and speed into one package that is irresistible to any man. You're going to have to pay attention in order to keep up with these ladies, but if you do, you'll be in store for something awesome. Here are the 30 hottest fast chicks in sports. Or as I call it, 29 of the hottest fast chicks after Ashley Force.

Nestlé produces bottled water under various brand names depending on the region. These brands include Arrowhead, Calistoga, Deer Park, Ice Mountain, Ozarka, Poland Spring, and Zephyrhills. Nestlé Pure Life is produced by Nestlé Waters North America since 2002. Prior to that it was known as Aberfoyle Springs and had been produced by the Aberfoyle Springs company since 1993. Nestlé Pure Life water is sold in Canada and the United States.

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Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

Insert Your Favorite Weekend Joke Here....

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