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Ernie's House of Whoopass! September 14, 2011
September 14, 2011

Mr. Sulu, Get Us Out Of Here. Spock? Wake Me Up When We Get There.

So scientists have recently discovered sixteen "super-Earths", far outside of our Milky Way, including one planet that holds a chance at sustaining life. "One of these planets in particular could theoretically be home to life if conditions are right. It's called HD85512b, and scientists say it's about 3.6 times the mass of the Earth. This planet is about 35 light years from Earth." So I thought to myself, hmmm, why don't we just drop on in and say hello. So ignoring the fact that our terrestrial born scientists who have repeatedly said warp speed is deadly, let's allow our imaginations to run wild for a minute, shall we?

Step one. Just how the fuck far is 35 light years, anyway? Well, light travels at 186,000 miles per second, or 11,160,000 miles per minute, or 669,900,000 miles per hour, or 16,070,400,000 miles per day, or 5,865,696,000,000 per year (aka one light year). So 35 light years is a distance of 205,299,360,000,000 -- and for those of you who are numerically challenged -- that's over two hundred trillion miles. But as is quite common with such a large number, how the hell do we put that in perspective? To do that, let's take a look at the fastest spacecraft man has been able to assemble after having wandered out of the primordial ooze so long ago.

The fastest manned spacecraft is Apollo 10 having attained 24,791 mph during their return from the Moon, on May 26, 1969. So if we were to Charlie Brown towards HD85512b and give 'er a swift kick in the ass, it would take 8,281,205,276 hours, or 345,050,220 days, or 945,343 years for the crew to make their final destination. At almost one million years, I use the word 'crew' rather figuratively since with an average lifespan of 67.2 years, it would take 14,067.6 generations of mankind to get there so be sure to pack extra socks.

Now the fastest unmanned spacecraft is kind of a two part answer, since there are two ways of measuring velocity in this instance; in relation to the Earth or in relation to the Sun. Voyager 1 is travelling at a speed of 38,4000 mph, away from the sun, in relation to Earth. Since it was launched 34 years and 9 days ago, Voyager 1 has travelled 11,445,350,400 miles, which is right to the very edge of our galaxy. Sounds pretty fucking far, right? Yeah, not so much -- that accounts for roughly 0.006% of the trip to HD85512b. At 38,400 miles per hour, it would take Voyager 1 approximately 610,313 years to complete the entire trip. My guess is the warranty would run out before then.

What then is the fastest unmanned spacecraft in relation to the sun? Helios 1 & 2, can also be measured as the fastest objects, due to their orbital velocity relative to the Sun at perihelion. Huh? Think of it this way -- remember the slingshot scene from Armageddon? Yeah, you got it now. Anyway, if we were to slingshot a Helios probe off the sun at its highest velocity of 157,078 mph and aim that bad boy towards our new friends on planet HD85512b, it would get there in jiffy... a mere 149,200 years. or as I like to call it: over 2,200 generations of human existence. So if you were born on the day the slingshot maneuver began, your great2200 grandchild would be there when it finished. I was actually going to write out the required number of great-great-great-great...'s required, but it took up 63 screens, so perhaps now might be a good time to think about time travel, eh?

But what about Star Trek and Warp Speed and all that good science-fiction shit? Well, again we have two different answers, since the writers of the (original) Star Trek rules had a different views than the (new) Star Trek rules in regards to how fast Warp Speed is: "According to the Star Trek episode writer's guide for The Original Series, warp factors are converted to multiples of c with the cubic function v = w3c, where w is the warp factor, v is the velocity, and c is the speed of light. Accordingly, "warp 1" is equivalent to the speed of light, "warp 2" is 8 times the speed of light, "warp 3" is 27 times the speed of light, etc. For Star Trek: The Next Generation and the subsequent series, Star Trek artist Michael Okuda devised a formula based on the original one but with important differences. For warp factors 1 through 9, v = w10 / 3c. In the half-open interval from warp 9 to warp 10, the exponent of w increases toward infinity. Thus, in the Okuda scale, warp velocities approach warp 10 asymptotically." Hey don't blame me, blame the fucking Trekkies.

So a quick Google search and five minutes of my life I'm never going to get back, I was able to find an uber-Trekkie's Warp Speed Calculator. Ladies, in case you're interested, my guess is Matt is quite single. Anyway, if the original Enterprise piloted by our old friend Captain James Tiberius Kirk, were to indeed set a course for HD85512b, and Mr. Scott were to indeed push the engines as far as he dare'ta, and Mr. Sulu were indeed to get us out of here at Warp 3.... the crew of NCC-1701 would arrive a mere 473.4 days later. Certainly not a weekend trip, but much faster than the generation-busting trip we're faced with now.

Taking the later Star Trek Next Generation rules into account, last week I watched Starship Voyager crank out Warp 9.9 on Netflix, so it would take Captain Janeway and her once-cougary-knockers a mere 1.95 days to greet out new friends and create some interspecies incident thus requiring her to lambast the surface with photon torpedos. And somehow I remember something about the STNG finale where Riker rescues Worf and mentioning something about Warp 14, but I dunno if I was just drunk or not. Figure that one out for yourself.

And in related good news here on Earth: kids will now be allowed to keep their shoes on while they're getting buttfucked by TSA agents.

Hey....It is 7 am and I'm drunk....but this isn't a drunk dial....this is to let you know I posted the Scarlett Johansson alleged stolen cellphone pics and in case you didn't see them, I wanted to show you, I'm a hero like that. With Love, Jesus

If however you are concerned about the aliens shipping something back our way -- perhaps retaliating for Janeway's attack -- let us assume they have a method of travel at 70 times the speed of light, so their warheads will be here in six months. My first choice would be to pick up one of these abandoned nuclear missile bases and return it to its fortified bunker glory days. You can actually pimp them out quite nice and if you're in the market that one listed in upstate New York for 4.6 million has been reduced to a paltry 2.9 million. They've even got their own website with a virtual tour. But with six months to work with, another alternative would be to buy your own prefabricated hardened underground shelter. The Genesis Living Pod which can protect you from 3-Bars blast overpressure of 45 psi, Force 10 earthquakes in succession, 450 mph winds, Extreme gamma & neutron attenuation from a 100 megaton air burst detonated 20 miles away, Solar flares with 1,000,000 volt EMP, Flooding (complete submersion for 100 hours), Extreme external fires at 1250 F for 10 days, Magnetic pole shift, Radiological, chemical and biological weapons, Forced entry and armed assaults, 12' of snow and 10' of rain, 500 lb. hail stones or flying debris at a speed of 100 mph, muthafuckin zombies, and just about anything else a budding supervillian can expect. and those female bodyguards? Yeah, they're available, too.

While the exotic poses that are scripted and perfectly planned always please and excite viewers, it's the odd and somewhat eccentric pictures that really create a sense of chaotic curiosity. Often photographed with a sense of pristine care and iconic idolization, these WAGs and women of sports are used to the mundane daily repertoire of posing for the common crowd. But there are those special occasions when a remarkable occurrence becomes available to beleaguered fans. While the two outside cheerleaders are performing up to standards, the middle one seems to be day-dreaming about a provocative photo shoot. With her eyes closed and her hands far higher than her peers', it's clear she needs a lesson in teamwork.

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